Chapter Text
Tyler could remember the moment as clear as anything had felt to him since who knows how long. When he finally had the inevitable talk with Chris about him leaving the band, Tyler was a bit taken aback, but he still knew deep down that this was coming. He knew that Chris was just trying to do what was best for himself, and he couldn’t hold him back for that. This was, after all, just Tyler’s dream. He had strung Chris and Nick along because he needed their roles to be filled, and not necessarily because he saw them doing this for the rest of forever. Sure, he liked them both as friends, but the dream of playing music forever just didn’t seem practical with them.
But it did with Josh.
Tyler had been playing at the Newport, one of his favorite local venues. The atmosphere was filled with aspiration and ambition, the lights and the stage providing an ambience he couldn’t feel anywhere else. But again and again, each time he played there, he wished that he could make it reach its full potential, force its hand to get to its limit. He wanted to sell the place out one day, however unrealistic it seemed. That was one of many dreams that seemed unattainable and too outlandish to be considered something accomplishable. But when he met Josh after one of his shows, standing near an exit sign, all of that doubt vanished into white noise. Here he was, talking to a drummer who was wide-eyed and more enthralled by the show that Tyler could’ve ever imagined. He could instantly feel a connection to him, like both their hearts had an invisible, unbreakable string. From that moment, they were tied to each other forever.
Over those next few months, Tyler just grew closer and closer to him. Josh’s genuine passion, his wild dreams, his smiles and laughs and pure, unstoppable talent...it was enough to have Tyler devoted to him for the rest of time. Josh was funny, and sincere, and so, so loyal. He understood things so complex about Tyler that he didn’t even know someone could even be that way for someone else. They would talk and ramble for hours, and go out to eat, and sit on grocery store rooftops and playgrounds and the most random places. No matter where they went or what they did, everything was interesting.
Music, however, just seemed like something they both loved, but almost still forbidden. Like if either one of them played with each other, they’d be betraying their own bands. But the temptation was becoming too much to bear, and after the long awaited day of Josh filling in for Chris and playing a show, Tyler had never been more sure about anything in his life. He had to play with this boy. The ferocity in which he played and with which he understood this music was setting Tyler on fire, and he loved every second.
So when Chris finally decided to pull the plug on his involvement with twenty one pilots, Tyler felt the expected shock, but still didn’t feel remorse. Instead of feeling torn up inside, he had to bury his own excitement. But Chris didn’t try to take it personally. He already knew what Tyler was really thinking about. It was painted on his face as clear as day. So, as a final note before taking off for work, Chris gave Tyler a reassuring pat on the shoulder and told him to have Josh take his place. And as much as Tyler tried to act like that wasn’t what he was planning on doing, it was. And he was too happy to hide it anymore.
After hurriedly texting Josh to come over, he was so excited that he kept the message vague and neglected context. Josh had rushed over, unsure of how he didn’t get pulled over for speeding. But he stood there in Tyler’s door, chest heaving, eyes sparkling with that signature glow of affection, and he had asked what was going on.
“There’s this cool band I know. Sort of up and coming. Could be huge with the right people involved. I heard they’re looking for a new drummer,” Tyler had said, trying so hard to act nonchalant, but struggling to keep up the act.
“Oh?” Josh asked back, his voice faltering a bit. He was in need of an opportunity to get back into playing more, because that’s what he loved. He just thought Chris would tell him about it, and not Tyler, who seemed so happy to be playing with him the other night. “Have I heard of them?”
“Yeah. You saw them a couple of times actually. Pretty sure you’re best friends with the lead singer.” Tyler couldn’t help the wry smile he was holding back from creeping on his face, his hands shifting in his pockets and feet swaying back and forth.
Josh just stood there frozen for a minute, suddenly processing the pieces all coming together. Tyler was asking him to be in his band. It was what he had dreamed of ever since the first day they met.
Josh had practically tackled Tyler into a hug, picking him up and spinning him around the room. He kept saying yes, over and over, in between laughs and screams. Tyler just pulled himself further into Josh’s arms, feeling the happiest he had ever felt in his life. Things were finally coming together. After months of waiting, here he was with his best friend in the entire world, pledging themselves to their music for the rest of forever.
And now, getting lost in the memories of that day almost a month prior, Tyler was standing in his kitchen, zoning out and staring at the sink. It was only when he heard footsteps coming in his direction that he perked up and noticed what was happening. Nick, the third member and bassist of twenty one pilots, was walking into the room with his bags and keys, probably going out for groceries or for other errands. He was moving fast, almost like he wouldn’t even stop to talk to Tyler, but he suddenly slowed when he approached the door and turned around, having a sudden change of mind.
“Hey man,” he said, trying to keep his voice even.
“Hey,” Tyler returned, noticing the stress behind Nick’s figure. “You alright?”
Nick immediately tried to loosen the tension in his shoulders and jaw. “Sorry. I’ve just...I’ve had a lot on my mind.”
Tyler leaned against the granite kitchen countertop and took a deep inhale. He had a sneaking fear he knew what this was about. “What’s going on?”
Nick let out a huff of air before continuing. “Well, I guess I should just come out and say it. I’ve been thinking about this...for a while, actually. It was only until Josh joined the band that I really knew where I stood with all this.”
“Okay…” Tyler said, trying to follow Nick’s train of thought.
“I just...I was filming with Mark the other day, talking about the band, and what I wanted out of my future. When I see you and Josh playing, I know this is what you guys really love. But I just don’t think I can keep this up. I’ve decided on what I really want, and I’m sticking to it.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that I’m leaving twenty one pilots.”
Tyler felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. “You’re...you’re what?”
“I’m sorry Tyler. This just isn’t what I’m really passionate about. I helped you start this, and gave you the tools to keep going, but now I think that it’s best that I take a step back. You and Josh are already so amazing. You’re going big places, the two of you.”
“I...thank you,” Tyler managed to get out. “I know there’s good things in store for you.”
“Thanks man. I just didn’t want you to think it was anything personal against you,” Nick reassured.
“I’d never think that,” Tyler lied, his throat feeling like it was collapsing in on itself. “We’ve been friends since high school. I knew you wouldn’t just bail on this without a reason.”
Nick suddenly got a bit more serious as he leaned against Tyler’s front door. “Truth is, even though this was fun, it was never really my dream. It’s your dream, Tyler. You want this more than anything. I’ve seen it ever since we started playing together. And Josh wants it just as badly as you, even more so than when he was playing in House of Heroes. I have no faith that you two will set this in motion together.”
Together. Tyler didn’t know why that small implication made his entire stomach flip. He just tried to stay calm, push away his bitterness, and focus on wishing Nick well. He was right. This was his dream. It was just him and Josh against the entire world now. Why did that somehow manage to scare him?
“Thanks Nick. That really means more than you could know,” Tyler said honestly, and he walked over to give Nick a small, reserved hug. Nick patted Tyler’s back a few times before pulling away. “I’m wishing you all the best.”
“I’m doing the same for you. You guys are gonna change the world,” Nick said simply, almost like it was a known fact, before walking out of the door and driving away.
Tyler just stood in the doorway, watching him leave as he shook his head. Could they really do this, just the two of them? Josh was more dedicated and driven than anyone else he had ever met. He played with such a fervent, tenacious drive that Tyler would sometimes forget to breathe. It was like their show was so much more than a setlist, and songs played in a particular order, and boring technical logistics. It was an indescribable experience. It transcended the bounds between time and reality. Playing with Josh felt like they were transporting themselves and their audience into another world. Tyler didn’t even know that a feat like that could be possible, or that he even had the capability to do that, but Josh pulled it out of him every time. That fact alone was enough reassurance that told him they could really make this work. A two-piece band. Just then, it never sounded so right.
There was still a small part of Tyler that didn’t want to believe any of this was real. Like somehow, this wouldn’t work out with just the two of them. Most bands that he knew had at least three members. It just didn’t seem like some things would work logistically. What was he supposed to do? Make bass tracks for all of Nick’s parts? He would have to learn to play one day, he was sure of it. Out of his own ambition to play it or the obligation, he didn’t know. Maybe it was both. Even though it really felt like this was the way things were supposed to be, Tyler couldn’t help but feel a certain kind of emptiness. It wasn’t like Nick was abandoning him on purpose. It’s not like Chris did either.
But the poisonous notion that their burnout would eventually reach Tyler, and he would give up on this too, seethed into his veins and made him shake. He could just leave this one day, broken and tired and having nothing to show for it. Or worse: Josh could leave him before Tyler had the chance. Not that Josh was the leaving type. He would stay by Tyler no matter what, or at least, that’s what he had proven. His loyalty was enough to keep Tyler up into long hours of the night, thinking thoughts about him that he couldn’t decipher because they were so conflicting. But he knew he valued Josh more than anyone else. He just hoped that Josh wouldn’t ever let the curtains fall.
Slightly chilled raindrops started to fall from the sky, landing on Tyler’s shoulders and in his hair. He scowled slightly, the weather not being the nice type of rain he enjoyed. He loved the summer rain that sizzled against pavement and suspended in the motion of the air. It was a feeling he was always chasing after, and saving for later in his back pocket. But today’s rain was bitter, and cold, and filled with remorse.
Huddling his small arms to his chest, Tyler trodded back inside and made his way to the basement. He closed the door behind him, letting it slam with a dull creak, not caring about the noise shattering the air. No one else was home to tell him not to do it. He dragged his feet down the stairs and plopped into his desk chair in front of his computer. With the lifeless glow of the screen turning on, Tyler pulled up Ableton and mulled over what to work on. He had plenty of unfinished projects, bits and snippets and messes of demos collaged together. He didn’t want to try and work on any of them right now, though. He’d kick himself if he went into fixing them and coming out of it just as stuck as he began. Letting out a heavy sigh and rubbing his eyes, Tyler opened a new project.
Rolling his chair over to his keyboard, he fumbled with turning it on. Normally coming into making a new song, he’d already have some sort of idea for a melody, or a leading lyric, or just a beat or instrumental he could hear in his head. But today, right now, he had none of those things. His mind was incredibly foggy, trying to stay happy about the new direction of the band, but still faltering. Why couldn’t he just focus on the positives? Why was he looking at this like a death sentence when it was really a blessing?
He just hated the way his brain twisted everything until it was mangled and unrecognizable. He had been keeping it at bay for a while, especially with the distraction of the new album coming out soon. But somehow, every time he was around Josh, and could feel his warmth and honesty...it was like he didn’t have the heart to lie anymore. Something was wrong with him. He could just tell. Because every time he looked into Josh’s eyes, everything was perfect and horribly wrong all at once. And he didn’t know how to fix it.
Dejectedly gathering every broken emotion he was feeling at once, he tried to piece them all together to make something new. A haunting piano melody escaped from his fingertips, its sound like a horror movie, or a melancholy ache, or a feeling of survival and not living. It was all of these and more, and Tyler was suddenly drowning in the sound, tearing open old wounds like wrapping paper on Christmas day. He recorded his playing, then added a chilling synth, before finally stumbling upon the need for lyrics. Crafting the most intricate sentences was something that was almost as easy as breathing for Tyler. But now, his chest was constricting, and he was struggling for air. Writing something profound out of the mess he’d made seemed like an almost impossible task, even for him. So, cursing himself with a stinging fire, Tyler began to sing the first words that eased into his temples, branding themselves into his headache.
He thought of the band, and it’s imaginary sentience, and what it would think if it could see him now, making a mess of everything. He should just accept that being a two-person band is a good thing. This would finally give him an excuse to always be around Josh even more, just like he secretly hoped in every hidden smile and buried desire for his best friend. But the deed of somehow letting himself have untouched happiness always seemed too good to be true. He was afraid of letting himself have this. And he knew the spirit of the band could sense it, too.
He cleared his tight, constrained throat and sang through watery eyes.
I’m two. Begone. You see rain.