Chapter Text
After years of fighting it, Tyler realized that it always led back to something. Something about a midnight kiss. Something about love. Something about losing it along the way, along the years that he and Josh had shaped this band into what it was. Something about realizing that the love was never gone, but it had merely changed shapes. It had altered over time and space, in vans and dressing rooms, with public eyes and private conversations. But losing love and watching it change felt like one in the same to him, and not knowing if it had faded completely haunted him to no foreseeable end.
He could lie to himself and say that he didn’t know when it had started, but he knew exactly when it had. After the band had finally gotten signed, and when their album Vessel took off with ease and speed, sickening paranoia took hold of Tyler’s body until he was nothing more than bones. It was easy to be in love when nobody was looking. It was easy to be free when there was nothing to hold them back. But not knowing how all this would affect their image, or how seriously they would be taken as a band, scared Tyler into submission.
He tried to convince himself that he was doing the right thing, and that in the end, this would be a good call. But year after year, as the relationship dwindled back to just “best friends”, Tyler kept finding himself at the conclusion that he had made the biggest mistake of his life. But he didn’t know how to say any of it. Even if he had grown physically, he still was emotionally the same anxious, 21 year old kid who took way too long to realize the capacity of his feelings until everything seemed far too late. Sometimes, no amount of lyrics and melodies strung together would make any of this feel okay.
That’s why he was so afraid of Josh finally coming back.
After a few years of making his own way out in LA, he was finally moving back to Columbus. Why Tyler said he was “finally” moving he didn’t know. Maybe he had been waiting for this day from the moment Josh left.
The news of hearing of his plans for departure was supposed to shock him, but all he did was feel a bitter acceptance. Tyler had thought about moving out there after all their success from Blurryface. It would make sense. That’s where everybody who made it big was supposed to go. But Tyler couldn’t handle being surrounded in a plastic synthetic world no more than he could stand the occasional fake person he interacted with. His creativity would be completely gone.
But Josh had no trouble uprooting himself, or at least didn’t show any signs of it. And Tyler had just silently cursed himself for letting his best friend slip away another time.
They still kept in touch, still made music. Still saw each other when they were touring. Still secretly yearned for a flame that they both had convinced themselves had long gone out. But the agonizing notion that Tyler had permanently altered their relationship for all these years kept him up at night, and always kept him at a safe distance. Sure, when they saw each other in secret moments on tour, or when they came home, or during the holidays, or even down time spent between the two of them, they would always fall back into the easy rhythm of their friendship. That’s what everything between them was essentially based on. They were best friends before anything else. He just didn’t know that the “anything else” part would have to end.
It was still easier to be around him in person, still easy to joke around in interviews and hold him when he needed and pretend that all of this was normal. It was only in the times away from him that he realized that something about this just wasn’t right. Every sleepless night where Tyler wrote lyrics in his head, muttered melodies into his phone, and involuntarily fell back asleep with his pillow in his arms imagining that it was Josh, proved this to be true. Some things still hadn’t changed since then. Much like most of the issues plaguing Tyler’s life, he was caught in a cycle that he needed to break, but one that he always fumbled with completing at the edge of the finish line.
So when Tyler finally got the text from Josh that he was here, in Columbus on this overcast, mid-April day, finishing up moving everything he had taken from LA into his house, he was frozen in place. He had barely registered that Josh had sent another text saying he was heading over, and barely heard his name being called from the kitchen. His body was locked onto his couch, his feet stuck to the ground and stomach dropping further and further down. He heard his name again, only this time, the voice was coming closer, and he felt a warm set of arms wrap from behind him and give him a bit of a hug over the back of the couch.
Jenna always had a habit of making everything brighter for him. Everything that he dreaded, she seemed to have a logical and optimistic outlook on. It was something that Tyler loved about her. She always seemed to bring the color out in his monochrome world.
“Ty?” she asked, face faltering slightly at the sight of Tyler’s weary expression. “What’s wrong?”
He turned around to face her fully with troubled, guilt-ridden eyes. He struggled a bit with the words before finally pushing them out. “It’s Josh. He’s...he’s in Columbus. And he’s staying.”
“He moved back?” Jenna said, matching a look of genuine surprise with the way Tyler felt.
“Y-yeah.” Tyler couldn’t bring himself to say anything else.
Jenna walked around the side of the couch and joined Tyler by his side, leaning over to gently steady his shoulders before continuing. “And you aren’t happy about it?”
It wasn’t so much of a question as it was a statement, and the intonation made Tyler unravel. “There’s such a huge part of me that’s happy, and another part that feels so scared and guilty, and I don’t know which one to listen to.”
“Tyler,” Jenna said sweetly, “why on Earth would you feel bad about it? He’s your best friend. You guys love each other so much.”
The way she said those words made Tyler relax a bit. Jenna of course knew about his history with Josh, even though calling it a history sounded so ancient and far off that it felt like something that had aged to dust. But the truth was that he thought about their relationship so much sometimes to the point that he’d be unable to decipher the truth anymore. That was what was currently happening in his brain now, so he tried to confirm what he knew.
They were best friends. That was true. They loved each other. That was also true. But the kind of love that was between them seemed to change every day, and Tyler had no patience for trying to figure it all out anymore.
Before he could say anything else, his phone buzzed in his pocket. He broke away from Jenna’s gaze to pull it out and look at it. It was Josh again.
a wild drummer has been delivered at your door. glad you used express shipping. smart!
A sigh Tyler didn’t know he was holding back escaped from his lips, and his demeanor was instantly shifting. Every time he worried about Josh, he would become pensive, angry, and reserved. But every time he was with Josh, and didn’t overcomplicate what was going on, it was like he was finally himself again. Jenna could sense this. She seemed to understand what they were feeling better than they did most times. She always could. And she would also let Tyler have his space with Josh, because if Tyler needed the one person who saved him, she would let him have him, always.
Jenna could tell from the way Tyler was holding back his smile at his screen that Tyler was feeling better about this alright. She gave him a reassuring nudge on his shoulder. “C’mon! Go see him!”
With a laugh of disbelief, Tyler just shook his head as he gave Jenna a look of gratitude and typed back his response to Josh.
i’m just glad amazon didn’t run out of stock. what would i have done without my drummer?
And with one last look to Jenna, with eyes sparkling and blonde hair framing her cheeks, Tyler headed out of his front door. Turning back around from closing it, the wind blew softly across his face as the atmosphere around him sunk in.
And then there he was.
Josh was running toward him faster than he could process. Time seemed to pass in fragmented seconds, with Josh all the way at the end of the driveway, then halfway there with his graphic tee and jeans getting closer, until finally he was leaping towards Tyler and picking him up off the ground. He spun him around in circles before they slowed, Tyler taking in everything about him. He hadn’t seen him in so long. Their new album had been made completely apart, with phone calls and Zooms and Facetimes to pull this whole thing off. Now, Josh was here, wrapping him in his arms, and everything never felt so right.
Josh was even better than he remembered. The feeling of his heartbeat against his, his arms so strong they could protect him against the world, the smell of his hair which was curling even more wildly than before. His body was so warm and comforting and safe. His skin felt perfect against his own. Every doubt Tyler had about this seemed to cease in an instant.
They slowed down, Tyler burying his head further into Josh’s shoulder, holding on like the world would stop spinning if he didn’t. Josh just sensed how much he needed this, how much they both needed this, and had been waiting and aching for this moment for months on end. For the longest time, it seemed that they were always playing emotional catch up, one of them always trying to trail the other just to figure out what they were feeling. But now, with their bodies connected like they were always meant to be, the tension from that ceased in an instant.
Josh pulled away to take Tyler in. He had filled out a bit, looking stronger and healthier than the last time he saw him. He had really been taking care of himself, and he seemed a lot better mentally. But he could also tell that Tyler was still dealing with taxing, internal battles, some of which Josh knew, and some that he could only guess at. Nevertheless, Tyler was Tyler, and no matter what he looked like, Josh could always find hints of his younger self always peeking through.
Today, he was wearing a loose-fitting t-shirt and flannel with comfortable pants and his moccasins. The colors brought out his eyes and made them shine like he hadn’t seen in so long. But above all else, Tyler was taking small little risks in wearing what made him comfortable, and happy, and free, and Josh could tell that the seemingly tiny victories with his identity were so monumental to him. He was so proud of him, and he gave him a delicate smile that he hoped would convey the sentiment. It did, and Tyler couldn’t help but feel so full.
The one last thing that surprised him the most was the detail he saved for last. Josh brushed his hands over Tyler’s head behind his ears and let his smile turn into a full blown grin. “Your hair! I love it!”
He gave Josh a smile and a blush, silently whispering his thank yous. Tyler had been growing out his hair longer recently, and he loved how it made him feel. He liked pulling it back, and putting certain headbands or hair ties in, or simply just letting it fall over his face over his eyes sometimes. That and his clothes and his wellbeing were all things he was working on to try and help his emotional state, and it had been working phenomenally for most days. He finally felt like himself again. And seeing Josh like it, no, praise him for it, was enough to make him break. Here he was, in his best friend’s arms, feeling so unsure of why he was so worried in the first place.
Tyler felt tears well in his eyes. He tried so hard to bury them down and pretend they weren’t there. But he had spent so long shielding them both from what he was really feeling, and now, he was finally ready to let go of the act. His tiny sniffles were muffled a bit as he leaned in and rested his face in Josh’s shirt sleeve, but he instantly picked up on them and leaned back. He could recognize every sound and signal Tyler made when he was feeling a certain way. He knew them by heart, just like every song they played, every lyric Tyler wrote, every breath he took.
Josh’s eyes glimmered behind his aviator glasses. He placed his hands on either side of Tyler’s cheek, and that was enough to make his tears stream harder. “What’s wrong, Ty?” he asked, voice silently asking if all of this was okay.
Tyler just cried harder, everything finally starting to make sense again.
“You’re home Josh. You’re finally home.”
Josh held on tighter. “Yeah. I’m home.”