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Everyone in Shadyside High knows Deena Johnson is a bitch.
And she’s proud of it. She worked hard building her tough exterior up to make sure no one would even think about fucking with her. It kept the airhead cheerleaders and the cavemen football players away from her, and if anyone was ever dumb enough to try and pick on her, a carefuly chosen set of words and a less than kind glare would make them run away in fear for their safety.
So, given her reputation, she’s unpleasantly surprised when Samantha Fraser approaches her near her locker and greets her with the familiarity of old friends.
"Hey! Deena, right?"
Deena can't control the scowl that takes over her face. She looks at Sam up and down, trying to figure out what her deal is.
Clad in a blue and white cheerleading outfit, Sam Fraser stands before Deena with a friendly smile that lets her dimple show. Deena is momentarily distracted by her eyes, so blue and pretty even under the ugly fluorescent lights of the school.
"I'm Sam," She continues after an awkward silence— had anyone else been in her position, they would already be down the hallway with their heads ducked. Apparently, Deena's scowl isn't an effective intimidation method with Sam, because she’s still there, balancing on the balls of her feet and outstretching a hand for Deena to shake.
Sam Fraser is… weird. She's a cheerleader, but not the bitchy kind. She’s well liked by everyone in the school, but doesn’t have a solid group of friends. She's intelligent enough to pass all classes with ease, but never enough to get diplomas at the end of the year. And most importantly, so far she’s been smart enough to not talk to Deena at all. Until now. Naturally, Deena questions what her intentions are.
Sam puts her hand down, seeing that Deena isn’t shaking it. She awkwardly holds the straps of her backpack with both hands. She tilts her head and smiles, an adorable dimple on display again. Deena briefly thinks she looks like a puppy.
"I was wondering if you and I could talk for a minute?"
The bell saves Deena. She shoulders her bag and kicks her locker closed. Without saying a single word and sparing one last glare, Deena turns on her back and leaves Sam standing there.
The last thing Deena needs is someone meddling in her life.
Deena waits for Josh in the school parking lot, sitting in her car, blasting music from the speakers. She drums on the wheel, closing her eyes and imagining she’s playing in front of a huge audience, adoring fans screaming her name, girls throwing their bras at the stage—
A knock on the window startles her and makes her jerk her knee. She hits the wheel and grunts in pain.
“So sorry!” Comes Sam’s voice, muffled through the glass. Deena glares at her with clear annoyment in her eyes, frown deep and jaw set. She opens the door and steps out, admittedly acting more angry than she is to try and scare Sam away. But she still stands there, nervously fiddling with her fingers in front of her skirt.
“What the hell is your problem?” Deena spits out, slamming the door. Sam flinches but doesn’t move. Deena realizes this is the first time she’s talking to Sam, and it’s to cuss her out. If she looked like a puppy before, now she looks like a kicked one. Deena almost feels bad about it.
“I didn’t mean to do that! I’m sorry. I really need to talk to you, and you weren’t being cooperative earlier…” Sam mumbles the last bit under her breath and Deena scoffs.
“I don’t owe you anything—”
“I know, I know! Jeez, she said you’d act like this but I thought she was exaggerating.”
Deena raises an eyebrow and blinks in confusion. “Excuse me, who ? Who’s talking about me?”
“N-no one! just… people in general, you know.” Sam grimaces a little, feeling guilty even though it’s common knowledge. “You know, you have a reputation…”
Deena smirks at this, glad to know that her reputation is still a thing. Which only makes Sam wanting to talk to her that much weirder.
“What do you want, then? Shouldn’t you be at cheer practice or—”
“You’re a lesbian.” Sam blurts out, a little too loudly.
Even though there’s no one around them, things seem to go quieter. Deena stands completely flabbergasted, mouth open in shock and eyebrows knit in confusion.
“I…”
“Sorry,” Sam covers her mouth with her hands. She looks around, afraid that someone might’ve heard them, but the few people left in the parking lot are too far away. “Sorry.”
Deena sees Josh exiting the school building and walking towards the car. Even from a distance, she can see Josh’s head tilt in confusion at seeing Sam and Deena together.
“Deena, I— God, this is really hard to say. I— um.”
“Hi?” Josh finally gets to the car. He tosses his bag inside and gives Deena a questioning look, although she can only shrug.
“Bye.” Deena tells Sam, giving her a tight-lipped smile that’s more awkward than anything.
Sam grunts, embarrassed, and doesn’t even try to stop Deena from leaving. She watches the car drive away and once it’s out of sight, she frustratedly groans and stomps back to the football field.
“What the hell was that?” Josh chuckles.
“Nothing, she’s just a weirdo.” Deena huffs, although the blush covering her neck and face is too obvious. Now, Josh is a smart kid, and even if he doesn’t know what that was, he sure can tell it was something .
“Sam Fraser, huh?”
Deena’s head turns so quick it might’ve given her whiplash. She glares at his brother threateningly before returning her eyes to the road.
Deena has never been so uncomfortable in her entire life. Math class was never anything interesting, just the most boring two hours she wastes twice a week. But now Deena’s nerves are standing on end, because Sam is sitting two desks away and she won’t. stop. staring .
She might think she’s being discreet, but Deena can feel her eyes on her, can hear her foot unrelentlessly tapping against the floor and her pen continuously hitting her notebook. Sam’s nerves rub off on Deena, who hates feeling watched. She tried sending Sam one of her classic death glares, but Sam was staring so intently that Deena ended up blushing and looking away. Stupid blue eyes.
When the bell rings, Deena springs from her seat and beelines for the door. She needs to find Kate and Simon, maybe convince them to skip the rest of the school day, or even skip the city and move to Mexico. Anything to get away from Sam Fraser.
Turns out, Sam is one determined person. Deena still has no idea what her deal is, why she’s following Deena around school and staring at her like a creep. By the time school ends, Deena decides it’s a good idea to hide under the bleachers, and then when cheer practice is over, she can grab her friends and flee.
Bad idea.
Deena walks in to find Sam and Kate talking in hushed whispers. Sam has her arms crossed over her chest, as in retreating in on herself, and Kate has her arms on her hips, voice too loud to be reduced to a simple whisper.
“Just try harder!”
“Why can’t you just ask her for me?” Sam whines.
“Because she’s gonna kill me if she knows I’m in it.”
“Who’s gonna kill you?” Deena speaks up, startling both girls. Sam looks like she’s seen a ghost and Kate puts on her fake cheerleading grin.
“Dee! Good thing you’re here, Sam actually has something she really needs to tell you.” Kate’s voice is a pitch too high, and she all but pushes Sam towards Deena before running away. “Don’t be too long! You still need to be at practice!”
With a tired sigh, Deena flaps her arms and steps closer to Sam. Better get this over with, so she can go back to being unbothered and Sam can go back to whatever it is she usually does.
“Hey Stalker.” Deena greets softly, voice a little raspy.
“I’m not—” Sam argues, pulling her shoulders back in an attempt at facing Deena without cowering away. “I wasn’t stalking you.”
“Sure you weren't.”
Deena kicks a can and then leans against a wall, crossing her arms.
“So?”
Sam gulps and moves to stand in front of Deena. Her arms are tense and straight at the sides of her body, and her fists are bunching up her skirt.
“You’re a lesbian.”
Deena rolls her eyes, nerves washing over her again at the mention of her sexuality.
“If you’re gonna hate crime me, do it quick.”
“What? No,” Sam is seriously taken aback. She shakes her head and chuckles. “No, I… See, the thing is… I am one, too.”
Now that piques Deena’s interest.
Sam’s eyes are glued to the floor, and Deena takes the chance to look at her. She looks scared, and nervous about saying it aloud. Still, Deena has to ask.
“Is this some kind of joke? A prank?”
“No. I just…” Sam finally looks up, and Deena’s breath catches in her throat when they make eye contact. “This is all very new to me, and there are some things I don’t understand. And you… I don’t know, you seem to know what you’re doing. I thought maybe you could teach me.”
A beat of silence. Deena can’t believe what she’s hearing.
“Teach you what?”
“How to be a lesbian.” Sam shrugs, like she just asked Deena to lend her five dollars.
Another beat of silence. Deena’s jaw is on the floor.
“You’re joking.”
“I’m not!” Sam’s shoulder slump and she starts pacing back and forth. If she was shy and nervous before, now it’s like a faucet broke and it’s all spilling in front of Deena. “All my life, I was always trying to be a certain way and like certain things. But, like, a couple of months ago I figured out I’m not how I thought I was. And since then I’ve been trying to be more... lesbian, but I don’t know how. I don’t own any plaid shirts, I don’t know what music to like… oh my god , how to ask a girl out…”
“Okay, okay, I’m gonna stop you right there.” Deena grabs Sam by the shoulders to stop her pacing and rambling. However, she quickly drops her hands back to her sides and pockets them— they burn from touching Sam’s skin. “There’s not one way to be a lesbian. You just have to do whatever you feel like. Be yourself. Where did you even get that from?”
Sam bites her lip and looks down at the floor. “I didn’t know who to ask initially… and I figured if Kate was friends with you, then that meant she could help me. And she’s trying but— I don’t think she knows what she’s doing.”
Kate. Of course.
“Did she put you up to this?”
Sam shrugs apologetically. “She said you could help. But it’s okay, you don’t have to… It’s just that Kate said being around people like me might help, and you’re the only lesbian I know in the entirety of Shadyside.”
Deena throws her head back slightly, wondering what kind of sick karma she’s dealing with right now.
“I’ll just go back to practice. Sorry for being weird and wasting your time.” Sam sounds defeated, and she gives Deena one last sad smile before leaving.
“That was a bitch move, and that’s coming from me.” Deena complains as she opens a can of soda. She’s in her basement with Kate and Simon— who, turns out, also knew about Kate’s scheme. “You two are the worst friends in the world.”
“You’ll be thanking us later.” Simon chuckles and Deena punches his arm.
“Outing me was not cool!”
Kate and Simon share a look of disbelief, and then they snort at the same time.
“Closet made of glass, Dee.”
“Still not cool!” Deena grabs a cushion and throws it at Kate. “Why on earth did you tell Sam I'd help her?”
“I mean, you don’t have to.” Kate walks over to a shelf on a corner where some dusty pictures are, mostly of Deena and Josh as kids and pre teens. She grabs one and blows the dust away. “Seeing her, I was reminded of a girl I once knew. Sweet, innocent, inexperienced…” Kate plops down next to Deena and gives her the picture. “That girl really needed help back then, don’t you think? Some guidance?”
Deena wants to punch the smirk off Kate’s face. She also wants to burn the picture she’s holding. She looks at it with a disgusted scowl.
It’s fourteen years old Deena, wearing one of her dad’s old flannels, standing in the bathroom after she had chopped off all her hair. It was a terrible haircut, and a pain to grow back, but it was an attempt at expressing herself. Simon was the one who cut it— bless his soul, his fifteen year old self really tried his best with the kitchen scissors that were available. Kate was the one to take the photo. Deena is smiling it in, young and nervous and still untouched by all the hatred she faced in later years.
“You wouldn’t want Sam to chop off her hair too, right? It’s not gonna look good in our routines…” Kate adds, bumping shoulders with Deena.
Deena groans and throws the picture frame on Kate’s lap.
“I’ll think about it.”
After the awkward conversation with Deena, Sam expected things to go back to normal: She’d spend her days quietly, sitting alone at lunch and stealing glances at Deena across the cafeteria. She’d finish her classes— most of which she shared with Deena —and then head to the football field to practice the routines and maybe run a few laps.
What she was not expecting was for Deena to show up to her locker, lean on one arm and slip her a piece of paper with her phone number on it.
“I’ll wait for you after school, we’ll talk then.”
Sam can hardly hide the big smile on her face.
Sam spends an extra ten minutes in the locker room when practice is over. She washes her face repeatedly and applies enough deodorant to last her a week. She makes sure there’s not a hair out of place, and she smooths her uniform best as she can. After a brief pep talk, she goes to face Deena.
Deena is waiting for Sam, which surprises her. She was kind of expecting Deena to regret ever approaching her and leaving without a second thought. But no, she’s there, leaning against her car casually.
“Took you long enough,” Deena mutters when she sees her, not really annoyed but wanting to be annoying. Sam blushes and gets in the car.
They drive to Sam’s house in relative silence. Deena puts on some music, which Sam seems to like judging by the bobbing of her head. But they don’t talk.
Sam’s house is big and pretty, probably the prettiest in all of Shadyside. Deena feels out of place walking in, seeing as everything is clean, maybe too clean, but Sam is welcoming and she leads her to her bedroom, not minding that Deena’s boots are leaving footprints on the carpet.
Sam’s bedroom is… Deena remembers what Sam said about only pretending to like things, and it makes sense.
“I’m redecorating right now,” Sam explains with a nervous smile. There are some boy band posters up, contrasting with horror movie posters and a picture of a female soccer player. She has a shelf with some books, a stereo and cassette tapes of bands Deena doesn’t recognize.
“I’ll lend you some tapes so you can… expand your horizons.” Deena says with a grimace after the fifth boy band album she sees.
When she turns around, she sees Sam nervously sitting on the edge of her bed, hands gripping her knees tightly.
“Alright… uh, did you have any questions or…?”
This is the first time they’re alone in such a private place. There’s no bell or little brothers to save Deena this time.
“I really like the way you dress,” Sam blurts out, looking at Deena up and down and making her blush.
“Thanks…”
Deena didn’t think it was anything special; her ripped jeans were a little too big and had to be cuffed, the jacket belonged to her dad and had holes in the pockets, and her doc martens were covered in a fine layer of dust.
“It’s really cool.” Sam adds, nodding her head. When she meets Deena’s eyes, she blushes and looks away.
“We could get started on your style, then.” Deena runs her sweaty hands down her jeans and shyly approaches Sam’s closet, taking a peek inside through the ajar door. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you wear something other than the cheer uniform.”
“I don’t think I have any clothes like yours though…”
“That’s okay, you don’t need to dress like me. I’m no standard,” Deena chuckles. She’s not a standard, but she’s well aware she’s sort of a stereotype. “Do you mind if I…?” Deena points to the closet and Sam gestures that it's ok.
All of the clothes are a little boring to Deena’s taste. There’s some girly blouses, flower patterns and tight-fitting jeans. She picks out some stuff that thinks might go well together, but when Sam sees them she scrunches her nose.
“I kinda see why you always wear your uniform…” Deena mumbles, picking up a bright pink tank top. “Do you like these clothes at all?”
Sam shrugs, kneeling on the floor at the feet of the bed and folding some of the clothes Deena picked out. “My mom always buys them for me. I don’t mind them, but I don’t love them either.”
“Hmm…” Deena looks around the pile of clothes, practically everything Sam owns in display, and yet she likes none of it. “Do you have any money saved?” Deena asks with a smile, which isn’t something Sam is used to seeing.
“I think so, why?”
Thirty minutes later, Deena has a pile of clothes in her arms and she trails Sam towards the changing rooms. Deena thought a good first step would be updating her wardrobe, just to pick stuff that felt more like herself. So she brought them to a thrift store.
It was like Sam had walked into paradise itself. Her eyes shone bright as she ruffled through the hangers, picking out shirts, pants, and sweaters. Deena mostly let her choose, but she also gave her input when she deemed it necessary (she was not gonna let Sam walk around in a faded rainbow t-shirt).
While Sam tries on the different outfits, Deena waits for her outside the stall. Sam shows each outfit proudly, smiling from ear to ear. And god is it hard to keep frowning when Sam’s smile is so pretty and contagious. Deena finds herself not only smiling, but genuinely laughing when Sam strikes poses.
After the sixth outfit or so, Sam calls for Deena from inside the stall.
“Deena… I need help…”
“What’s wrong?” Deena shyly approaches the door, not daring to open it.
“My earring got stuck in this shirt… and also my elbow…”
Deena freezes. Is she about to see Sam Fraser without a shirt? This was not part of the plan.
“Ouch— please help me, just come in.”
Fuck.
Deena opens the door barely and slides in. She keeps her eyes on the ceiling, barely drifting down to the top of Sam’s head sticking out of a shirt with a neck too small.
“Help with the earring, please?”
“S-sure.” Deena clears her throat and lifts her shaky hands to detangle the mess. The tip of Sam’s ear is red and warm to the touch. Deena hurries to be done with it.
Once that’s solved, Sam tugs her shirt all the way down. Her hair cutely sticks up in all directions, and her eyes seem to stare right into Deena’s soul. The space is way too cramped, and there’s barely half an inch separating them. Deena wishes for a bolt of lightning to strike her down.
“I, um, this shirt would fit you nicely, I think.” Sam grabs a black t-shirt from the pile and hands it to Deena. She takes it, but their fingers brush together, and Deena jumps back as if shocked by electricity.
“T-thanks I’ll try it on!” She exits the stall and takes a deep breath once she’s out.
Sam ends up buying a ton of stuff, including the shirt for Deena. Although she insisted it wasn’t necessary, Sam was adamant on paying her back somehow for helping her out.
Deena drives Sam back home, and this time they do talk.
“I can’t believe you were ever worried about dressing gay enough . Judging by your picks, you’re a natural.” Deena jokes, stealing glances at Sam.
“Hey, those purple shorts I picked are super cute, okay?”
“I didn’t say they weren’t cute, I said they’re gay,” Deena taunts, but she has a big, stupid smile on her face.
“What’s this song?” Sam asks, once again seeming to like Deena’s music.
“Uh, ‘Hey’ by the Pixies. One of my favorites.”
“I like it.” Sam smiles, more to herself than anything.
Deena can’t help smiling too, looking at her out of the corner of her eye.
When they arrive at Sam's house, Deena doesn’t go in this time. They can see the silhouette of Sam’s mom through a window, so Deena simply drops her off.
“Thanks for today. It means a lot.” Sam says sincerely, a cute shade of pink dusting her cheeks.
“No problem.”
Deena watches her enter the house, carrying all the bags, before driving away.
“Cute shirt.”
Deena looks up from her bland lunch with a lopsided smile. Sam, bright as always, smiles at her as she sets her tray on the table and sits across from Deena.
“This old thing?” Deena plays along. She didn’t think Sam would notice her wearing the shirt she bought for her. (Or maybe she did, and that’s the whole reason she decided to wear it).
“Right…” Kate, who was sitting next to Deena all along, interrupts their moment, looking between them with fake disgust and a knowing glint in her eyes.
“Mind your business.” Deena mumbles, kicking her foot discreetly.
It’s been two weeks since the day at the thrift store, and since Sam started hanging out with Deena and her friends. It felt natural, like she fit in right away. Deena wasn’t sure how to feel about it.
Sam was full of curiosity, always asking things Deena never thought she’d be asked. But all in all, it seemed to be going well, and Sam looked more comfortable with herself with each passing day.
Simon joins them and sits down next to Sam, fist bumping her in greeting.
“You guys excited for the big game tonight?”
“Very,” Deena rolls her eyes. “I can’t wait to see those Sunnyvale pricks destroy the football team again.”
“At least our routine is way better than theirs,” Kate adds, sprinkling salt on the tasteless smashed potatoes. “Sam has the best part.” Kate smiles proudly, making Sam blush.
Deena realizes she’s never seen Sam cheer before. An unfortunate blush creeps up her neck at the thought.
“You came up with it, anyway. Besides, it’s a team effort.” Sam shrugs, trying to brush away the importance of her part.
“Exactly, and the most important part of that team is me.” Simon comments, making Kate and Deena roll their eyes.
They continue talking about the game and other stuff, but Deena is distracted. She keeps glancing between her plate and Sam, who’s engrossed in a conversation about horror movies with Simon.
Deena tries to hide between her bandmates, a little embarrassed about her uniform (the hat was way too much for her). Sam has never seen her in it, at least not since they became friends, and she’s feeling a little insecure.
But Sam is away from her, paying attention to Kate as they get ready for their routine. Deena should be doing the same, but the band leader is boring and Deena could play the whole set with her eyes closed.
Turns out, Kate was right about Sam having the best part. The whole thing is amazing, and Deena can’t wait to congratulate Kate about it. But Sam’s part is what really gets Deena. They tossed her in the air and she spun, landing perfectly on someone’s hand. She smiles, bright as the sun, and waves her pom poms around. The field lights make her glow in a way that has Deena feeling breathless.
Alarms start blaring in her brain and Deena realizes the fondness she’s looking at Sam with is dangerous.
Her dopey smile is quickly replaced by her usual frown, and her palms get sweaty. She has to look away, and try hard to convince herself that she’s not feeling what she thinks. It’s just a silly, stupid misunderstanding between her heart and her brain.
No, she does not like Sam Fraser.
The game ends as everyone knew it would, with a devastating loss for Shadyside and yet another victory for Sunnyvale.
After her realization, all Deena wants to do is leave. She can’t stand to look at Sam right now. She can’t face her big smile, her dimple, her blue eyes that always look at Deena with kindness even when she’s being a bitch. No, she needs to leave.
But luck is rarely ever on Deena Johnson’s side.
It’s impossible to miss the blobs of red approaching the Shadyside cheerleaders. The sight of the asshole Sunnyvale captain is enough to make Deena set her jaw in anger, but seeing him near Sam?
Deena’s feet move with a mind of their own, and soon she’s marching over to them.
Kate is trying to make them go away, but the guys aren’t listening. They’re making everyone on the team uncomfortable, just for the sake of being assholes.
Deena makes it there just as the main prick, Peter, is tucking Sam’s hair behind her ear. Sam recoils in disgust, and with perfect timing, Deena is standing between Sam and Peter before he can try touching her again.
Deena hates being so short, because he’s a head taller and towers over her. He sneers and Deena grimaces.
“Well, well, if it isn’t Shadyside’s number one dyke.”
“Fuck off.” Deena pushes Peter, successfully making him stumble back. She revels in the surprise in his face.
“What, is this one your girlfriend or something?” Peter smiles with malice, looking at Sam who’s scared and grabbing onto the back of Deena’s uniform.
“Fuck. Off.”
Everyone else’s eyes are on them now, but Deena couldn’t care less. She stopped being scared about them ages ago.
Peter looks down at her defiantly, and with a simple flick of his fingers, he hits Deena’s hat, making it fall to the ground. Deena looks down at it, and then back at him. Sam has never seen her so angry.
Deena doesn’t waste another second before suckerpunching Peter square on the nose. She hears a crack, and she hopes the damage is a lot. Making the most of his shock, she goes for another hit, stepping away from Sam’s grasp. She manages to land another hit, this time to his jaw, but then he and the rest of his team react and a fight breaks out.
As the football teams fight, Peter punches Deena on the face, and she feels hot blood run down her face. She tries to land another punch on him, but Sam is dragging her back and Simon is swooping in to hit Peter with his mascot boomstick.
Deena doesn’t want to back out, though. She wipes the blood from her face and hits another Sunnyvale dude. She has no idea who he is, but god it felt good to punch him.
With Kate’s help, Sam manages to drag Deena away, all while she spews insults and curses the guys’ entire bloodlines.
Deena sits on the hood of her car, waiting for Sam to be back. She’s embarrassed, but doesn’t regret what she did. She tries to reason that she would’ve done the same if it was someone touching Kate, but deep down, she knows her anger came from an entirely different place.
Her latest realization is driving her mad. She doesn’t like Sam. She shouldn’t. Sam is only starting to figure herself out and Deena doesn’t want to add any pressure.
Sam shows up after a few minutes with a first aid kit and a bottle of water. She gives it to Deena, then starts soaking a ball of cotton with antiseptic.
They don’t speak. Deena takes a gulp of the water while Sam dabs her face with the cotton ball. Sam is standing between Deena's legs, one hand cradling her jaw while the other cleans her up. Really, it’s the last thing Deena needed, all things considered.
“You shouldn’t have done that.” Sam mumbles, breaking the silence.
Deena arches an eyebrow and looks at her defiantly. “You’re welcome? I saved your ass.”
Sam smiles, but she tries to conceal it. “You didn’t have to punch him.”
“I should’ve killed him.” Deena rolls her eyes. Sam finishes her task and places a bandaid over Deena’s eyebrow. “That’s another lesson for you. Stay away from guys if possible.”
Sam gently cups Deena’s face, running a thumb over the darkening bruise in her eye with a feather-like touch. It makes Deena gulp and blush. Realizing what she’s doing, Sam retracts her hand.
“You shouldn’t have punched him, cause he hit you back and now you’re hurt.” Sam sighs, chastising Deena.
Deena only shrugs, bottom lip jutted out.
“He shouldn’t have touched you, then.” Deena says quietly.
Her voice comes out deep and raspy, and paired with her nonchalant expression, it makes something bubble in Sam’s stomach.
“Come on, I’ll drive you home.”
“Just let me return this,” Sam grabs the first aid kit and runs back to the school.
Deena gets in her car and looks at her reflection in the rear view mirror. The bruise is gonna get nasty, but at least she’ll look cool with it.
There’s a cassette tape on the console. Deena’s throat dries up when she sees it.
It’s a tape she prepared for Sam, with some Pixies songs and others she thought Sam might like, since she had shown interest in Deena’s music.
When she sees Sam jogging back to the car, Deena pockets it.
“So, how are you feeling?” Deena asks one afternoon, a couple of weeks after the fight. They’re in Deena’s basement for a movie night with Kate and Simon, who are in the kitchen preparing the snacks.
“What do you mean?” Sam chuckles, because Deena asks with such care that it throws her off. Not that she’s not caring, it’s the complete opposite, but she’s usually better at hiding it behind snarky comments and eye rolls.
“Well, you know, the whole being a lesbian thing… is it going the way you wanted?”
Deena feels silly for asking, and Sam looks surprised by the question.
“I hadn’t really thought about it…” Sam bites her bottom lip in thought, as if she really had forgotten. “I guess you were right and all I had to do was be myself. I don’t know, ever since we started hanging out, I don’t feel like I have to try to be anything, you know?”
“Yeah, I get it,” Deena smiles, shy and lopsided. “That’s good.”
“I still have things to learn, though,” Sam chuckles, suddenly shy and blushing. She grimaces a bit, regretting her words.
“Like what?”
“Oh, um… I don’t know, I guess I wonder what it’s like to ask someone out. Or get asked out.”
The mood shifts and everything turns a little too uncomfortable. Sam sets her shoulders back, which she only does when she’s nervous, and Deena fiddles with the hem of her shirt.
“Deena wouldn’t know anything about that,” Kate interrupts, saving Deena but at the expense of making fun of her.
“How come?” Sam asks, shoulders relaxing.
“If you value your life you will both shut up.” Deena threatens, but the evil smiles on her friends’ faces tell her she’s out of luck.
“Deena never asked anyone out. Don’t be fooled by her tough exterior, she’s a baby.” Kate teases, scrunching her nose and poking Deena’s cheek. Deena slaps her hand away.
“Not a baby. It’s just that the dating pool in Shadyside isn’t exactly big.”
“What about that girl you liked freshman year? You could’ve asked her out.”
“She was a senior and had a college girlfriend.”
“What about the time I set you up with my cousin?”
“I’m not gonna date your cousin,” Deena makes a face, and in turn Kate gasps, offended. “What if we end up together and I have to stand you for the rest of my life? No thanks.”
“Excuses…” Simon says playfully.
“I could get a date if I really wanted to.” Deena shrugs, usual frown back on her face.
“Prove it.”
Kate’s smile is all too knowing. Deena never backs away from a challenge.
“Fine, I will.” Deena sits up, annoyed. She squints between her friends, and then looks at Sam. “Sam, you want a date, right?”
Sam blushes deep red and Kate and Simon look at them while eating the popcorn.
“Uh… Yes I… I guess?”
“Then I’ll get you a date. And you two will see.”
Kate and Simon deflate on their seats.
“I thought she had finally figured it out,” Simon whispers through gritted teeth.
“Shh, she just needs a little more time.” Kate whispers back, praying her words are true.
Deena finishes her band practice, and when she exits the music room, she finds Sam waiting for her in the hallway.
“Hey Stalker.” Deena smirks and Sam rolls her eyes.
“Ha, ha, very funny.”
They walk together towards the exit.
“What are you doing here?”
“Well, it’s raining, and I was wondering if I could get a ride,” Sam teasingly pokes Deena’s arm, batting her eyelashes to convince her. “Come on, you can stay at my house. I have ice cream.”
“Fine, but only for the ice cream.”
“Something happened today.” Sam coyly says through a spoonful of ice cream.
Deena raises her eyebrows and hums to show interest. Sam’s smile falters a bit, but soon it’s back on her face as if nothing happened.
“Cindy Berman asked me out.”
Deena gulps down her ice cream and sets the tub aside. She whistles and tries really hard to not show how miserable she’s feeling right now.
“Wow… score, I guess.”
Sam frowns and tilts her head. “Huh?”
“She’s pretty,” Deena shrugs, and doesn't say anything else. She doesn’t think she can without choking up.
“Hm. I didn’t even know Cindy Berman liked girls.”
Deena gives her a funny look that says are you serious?
“That girl likes girls more than the entire football team combined.”
“I never noticed…” Sam shrugs. She doesn’t look very thrilled about it, even though just some nights ago she was talking about wanting to be asked out.
“Shouldn’t you be happier?”
“I’m just surprised, that’s all. I didn’t think she’d like me,” Sam chuckles humorlessly, shaking her head as if the mere thought of it was dumb.
“Hey, she’d be stupid not to.”
There is, perhaps, too much conviction behind Deena’s words.
“I mean, of course she likes you.”
“How did she even know I’m gay…”
Deena snorts and gives Sam a look. “Those shorts…”
“Oh, shut up.”
“You said yes, right? When Cindy asked you?”
Sam hums, pressing her lips together.
“Okay, great. If Kate or Simon ask, I was the one to get you the date, alright?”
“Sure.”
When Sam smiles at her, it’s not her usual grin, kind and bright. It’s more of a grimace, really, but Deena tries not to think too much about it.
It’s a friday night, and while Sam is on a date with Cindy in the movie theater, Deena is at home drinking a can of beer and wishing she was dead.
Her angstiest tape is playing, and she's laying in bed looking at the mixtape she made for Sam. Despite the loud music, Deena is keeping an ear out in case the phone rings. She told Sam to call her if something happened, and she’d pick her up in a minute.
Part of her hopes the phone will ring and part of her hopes it never does.
Cindy is nice, and she’d be good for Sam. Not as good as Deena, but still. Tears well up on the corner of her eyes and Deena has never felt more stupid than she does right now. She should've said something earlier, should’ve done something.
The phone rings and Deena jumps up. She absentmindedly puts the mixtape in her hoodie pocket, and she runs barefoot towards the phone.
“Hi! Sorry, hi.”
“Hey,” Sam’s voice comes through the line. She sounds okay, so Deena wills her heart to slow down. “I just got home. I was wondering if you wanted to come by?”
If Deena wanted to spare herself the heartbreak, she’d say no.
“Yeah, I’ll be there in a minute.”
Sam is sitting on the curb when Deena arrives. The lights in the house are off. Deena trips on her way down the car, and only calms down once she’s face to face with Sam.
She looks pretty. She’s always pretty. She’s wearing a jean jacket, and a dress and the converse she stole from Deena once.
“Sam… Is everything ok? Do I have to punch Cindy Berman?”
Sam chuckles and shakes her head. “Everything’s fine. Cindy drove me here, actually.”
“Oh.” Deena lets out a deep breath and sits down with Sam. Their shoulders and knees bump together, but neither moves away. “How did it go?”
Sam shrugs, puckering her lips cutely. “She’s nice, but I don’t think either of us enjoyed it too much.”
“Sorry about that.” Deena bites her lip, looking anywhere but at Sam. “You’ll find someone else you like.”
Sam swears her heart wants to beat out of her chest.
“Deena.”
“Hm?”
Deena turns her head towards Sam and has to hold her breath when she realizes how close together their faces are. Sam licks her lips and lets out a shaky breath.
“Sam?”
Sam cups Deena’s face and kisses her. Deena blinks a million times, not expecting that at all. Sam’s lips are soft, warm, and taste vaguely like fruity lip gloss. Whatever Deena had dreamed about, it doesn’t come close to the real thing.
Deena is barely coming to her senses enough to reciprocate the kiss when Sam pulls away. She knocks their foreheads together, and her piercing blue eyes send shivers down Deena’s spine.
“Sorry. I had to.”
Deena keeps on blinking, opening and closing her mouth without any words coming out.
Sam takes it as a chance to ramble.
“When I was out with Cindy I realized that I didn’t really want to be there. Or, well, be with her. I always knew it, ugh, I don’t know I said yes in the first place. The thing is, I wanted to be there, but with you , because I knew you would’ve laughed at the same parts of the movie I did and you would’ve hated the love interest too, and I really wanted to be holding your hand and—”
“Sam.”
Sam stops abruptly, flushed and out of breath.
Deena laughs nervously. She doesn’t know what to do with her hands, and Sam is staring at her so intensely she feels like she’s gonna combust.
So Deena kisses her. Because her lips are tingling ever since Sam pulled away and if she doesn’t kiss her again she’s gonna die.
They both melt at the touch, relaxing and falling together like puzzle pieces. Deena’s hands move to Sam’s waist, and Sam’s free hand rests on Deena’s thigh.
“I’m sorry I didn’t say something sooner.”
“I’m sorry I let you go on a date with Cindy Berman.” Deena chuckles, feeling lighter than ever.
“It’s okay. She ended up giving me some girl advice.”
“Oh?”
“You’ll see eventually.” Sam giggles and kisses Deena again, because she hoped for this moment for months, even before she got the courage to talk to her, and now that she's kissing Deena, she never wants to do anything else.
Sam sneaks Deena into her room, which might be the most rebellious thing she’s ever done. They put on some quiet music and lie together on Sam’s bed, just holding each other and relishing in the warmth they share. Sam’s head is on Deena’s shoulder, arm slung over her stomach. When Deena shifts, Sam feels something poke her arm. At the same time, Deena remembers the mixtape in her pocket.
“This is really embarrassing…” Deena pulls the mixtape out and looks at it once more before giving it to Sam.
Sam takes it and sits up, trying to read what it says in the dimly lit room. Deena feels her heart beating in her throat. “ Hey, must be a devil between us. ” Sam looks at the cassette over with a small smile. “Is this for me?”
“Uh… yes. I wasn’t sure if you’d like it but…”
Sam bites her lip in a smile and leans down to kiss Deena again.
“Took you long enough,” Kate tells them the next time she sees them together. They’re on the bleachers before cheer practice, being as close together as they can without being too obvious. “I was starting to worry I’d have to spell it out for you. You’re welcome, by the way.”
“You didn’t do anything,” Deena scoffs.
“Deena, please, do you seriously think I couldn’t handle helping another lesbian? I could write a book with all the things I learned dealing with you.”
Sam gasps, but soon she starts laughing and buries her face on Deena’s neck.
“You little shit!” Deena gasps too, a hurt look of betrayal in her eyes.
“Sorry. But she was honestly helpless. I could not stand the way she looked at you so longing and shit. And I knew she couldn’t easily approach you without you biting her head off.”
“Wow… it really is your own friends.” Deena sighs, pretending to be mad although she never removes her arm from around Sam’s shoulders.
“Again, you’re welcome.” Kate rolls her eyes and leaves them alone.
Deena looks at Sam, who has a sly smile on her face.
“I didn’t think I was that obvious.”
Deena shakes her head and kisses Sam’s cheek. “Don’t worry, I’m just as oblivious as you’re obvious.”