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Y/S/N: Your superhero name
When you landed on the ground, you absently glanced up to the Quinjet flying away over your heads. It brought a gust of wind that rustled your hair and clothes. The loudness of it nearly overpowered the sound of the heartbeat resonating in your ears.
You took a deep breath, exhilarated at the thought of proving yourself. That mission was important because you were going to help people, of course, but also because you could show everyone once and for all what you were made of.
Once you were all outside, you took a moment to evaluate the situation. The environment was silent and calm, but you knew it wouldn’t last long. You needed to act before things became hectic and protect the civilians from the incoming attack.
All of the Avengers crowded together in response to Tony waving his hand asking you to. Once you were all close, you exchanged glances and waited to hear his plan.
“We should split up” Tony told the group, turning to Pietro and Wanda. “The new kids and Point Break here are coming with me”
Thor playfully rolled his eyes at the nickname, but wielded Mjolnir and followed after Tony when he lead the way. Wanda and Pietro did too, with Tony winking an eye at the rest of you that stayed there.
“Let’s move” Steve announced, taking a few steps.
“I’m going that way” Bucky told everyone, heading for the right since the others had went to the left. Your heart skipped a beat as you stepped behind him.
“I’ll go with you” This was the perfect chance to be with him, to finally start getting along with him by fighting together and protecting each other and…
Bucky turned around, glaring daggers at you. His long hair fell on his face with the movement, but he didn’t bother to move it out of the way. It gave his expression a grim appearance.
You cautiously glanced at him, closing your hands into fists at the realization that it wouldn’t be so easy. No matter how much you wanted to be with him, he wouldn’t let you.
But you were willing to try again and again. After spending some time together in the Avengers tower, you had grown fond of Bucky. Perhaps that soft spot you developed for him was explained by the fact that he had suffered so much, and that you wanted to protect him and help him because none of it had been his fault. Maybe it was just that you had seen how kind he was, how genuinely good Bucky was and how loving and sweet he was towards his friends. Even if never towards you.
Reinforcing his dislike for you, Bucky looked you up and down in that way that made you shiver. Like he was above you, like you were nothing to him. Not because he was better than you, but because you were awful in his mind.
“You stay away from me, Y/S/N” Bucky told you, bearing such coldness in his voice that you shivered again.
You cringed, feeling everyone’s eyes on you. But you were stubborn, and as Tony had told you many times, you could use this to your advantage. Like now, refusing to give up on the relationship you wanted with Bucky. You weren’t even expecting him to reciprocate your feelings, but you hoped you could at least get along.
“What’s your problem?” You asked, not really expecting a reponse. But you got it nonetheless, even if you knew the answer already.
“What’s my problem?” Bucky replied, staring at you with the utmost disgust. “You’re just like them, that’s my problem”
You were used to their behavior already, as short time as it had been, but it didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Gulping to swallow the tears, you peered at him as well. Bucky didn’t avert his eyes, defying you with his gaze.
“Just because my father worked for HYDRA doesn’t mean I’m like them” You made a titanic effort to make your voice sound strong, but you weren’t sure if it worked. “You don’t know anything about me and my life or-”
“What’s there to know?” He dryly replied, wrinkling his nose and pursing his lips. “You’re just the same”
Bucky shook his head and walked away. As he left you standing there, mouth agape, he continued muttering things about how he had no idea what Tony saw in you and why they allowed you to fight alongside them. You closed your mouth, knowing it was futile to try and convince him. No matter how hard you tried, you could never earn their trust.
Being the last person you would think would do something like that, Steve passed by you. He didn’t say anything to you, or even look your direction, but he did push his shoulder against yours on his way to follow Bucky. More tears arrived to your eyes, and your throat hurt from holding them back.
Steve, inevitably, was on Bucky’s side. Still, he had never openly showed any signs that he disliked you. He might not have been too interactive with you, but he was always polite even if a bit distant. It hurt all the more to know that a person you admired so much deep down despised you just as much as Bucky did.
“I can’t believe it...” Natasha muttered, rolling her eyes. She kindly passed a hand over your arm as she angrily stomped over to where Bucky had left to.
Your grit your teeth, trying to repress the resurging urge to cry. It was best to focus, you had gone there for a mission after all. You had to put all that aside to help those people.
“Don’t listen to them, kid” Clint told you, fondly squeezing your shoulder. “You’re pretty great and we’re happy to have you”
“He should know better than anyone what it’s like to have no control over certain things” Bruce was talking to you, but his eyes were fixed on Bucky up ahead while his jaw was tightly clenched.
“I don’t blame them” You showed them a bitter smile. “I would hate me too if I were them, they’re right to hate someone close to the people that ruined their lives”
“Y/N…”
“Besides, as far as they know I have no value in the group, I don’t have any powers”
You walked away, avoiding their gazes. Head low, you absently walked over to the place you were hopefully needed at. A heavy weight sunk your shoulders with the secret that you were too ashamed to tell anyone, that you were too scared to share in case it damaged your relationship with the few allies you had left.
What would happen if the Avengers knew you had powers? That your father had used you for HYDRA and experimented on you too? Those powers felt wrong, and you refused to use them. You wouldn’t tell anyone about them either. Not even Tony, who had called for your help thinking you were just a good fighter, knew about your secret. You preferred that it stayed that way. What if they didn’t believe you? What if it made everything worse?
Maybe it was better to go, to leave the Avengers and never return. Hopefully that way everyone would be happy...
_
You breathed heavily, exhausted from the exertion of the battle. The innocent people were safe, and the bad guys were defeated. The silence from before returned, but this time it had an eerie edge to it.
“Hey” You pressed the earpiece. “Is everyone okay?”
“All in one piece” Tony replied, even if he groaned. He might be mildly hurt. “And you, Y/S/N?”
“I’m fine” You lied just like you had been lying to yourself during the entire battle. Once again, you tried to shoo bad thoughts away as well as the heavy feeling of loneliness in your stomach. With a sigh, you focused on your conversation with Tony. “Who’s with you?”
“Thunder and the twins, Banner passed by to give us a hand” Tony replied through the com. “We’re all safe, I think everyone else is too”
You heaved a sigh of relief. Knowing everyone was okay, it made it easier to carry that obsessive thought. After that, you would leave them without saying goodbye to never return, convinced that it was best for everyone. But then another voice came through the com.
“No” Steve’s voice suddenly interrupted, carrying a hint of panic. “I can’t find Bucky”
“Isn’t he answering the com?” Bruce made a pause. “Barnes, are you there?”
You expected to hear Bucky’s voice through the com, but you had no response from him even after several seconds of expectant silence.
“Wasn’t he with you?” Natasha asked Steve, worried just as he was.
“We had to split up…” Steve trailed off, fearing what might have happened to him.
“We’ll look for him, Cap” Clint reassured him. “Don’t worry, he’ll be close by”
“I will find him” Pietro briefly said, and you assumed he had sped off right after.
The group slowly dissolved as many voices echoed Bucky’s name. Walking away yourself, you began looking for him too. As worried as the others might be, you doubted they felt the same heavy weight dropping in your stomach as your mind raced with horrible scenarios of what might have happened to him.
_
Minutes stretched like hours. Every once in a while, you pressed the ear piece hoping to hear news from someone, anyone. But you didn’t. Bucky’s fate was still a mystery, and just when you started to fear no one would find him, you came across a figure lying on the ground, motionless.
“No…” You gasped, running to him and falling to your knees. “Bucky…”
You had found him, but your stomach painfully stirred at the sight he presented. Bucky was unconscious, with his eyes closed and his features frozen in a pained expression. Blood trickled down his right eyebrow and stained his temple all the way down to his jaw, also staining his long hair. His metal arm was damaged, but the more worrying injury was the one in his torso. His suit had been torn along the ribs, and blood poured out the deep looking wound. It explained why he was looking deadly pale.
“H-Help!” You croaked out, pressing your finger against the ear piece. “Guys? Anyone, please!”
“What is it?” Clint was the first one to speak up, holding a concerned tone that seemed to spread over to you and fill you with even more restlessness.
“I... found him, I found Bucky!” You made an effort to speak up again. Your mouth was dry. “We’re… we’re by the big building, hurry! He’s... he’s very hurt!”
“On our way, Y/N!” Steve told you, and for the first time since you knew him there was nearly gratitude in his voice when talking to you.
You waited for several seconds, but you couldn’t hear anyone yet. Not Tony’s suit soaring through the air, nor any rushed footsteps as they ran to you. The Quinjet would take some time to arrive to, and that was hoping they did call it. They might not arrive on time.
With shaky hands, you pressed two fingers against Bucky’s neck. A vein throbbed under your fingertips, but his pulse was very weak. He might be dying.
“Don’t do this to me, Bucky” You whispered, taking his metallic hand and tightly holding on to it. “How are we gonna get along if you die on me?”
You felt powerless, unable to do anything other than sit and wait. Wait until the others arrived, until the Quinjet returned so you could take him to the tower and look after him there. But it might be too late by the time you arrived. He was losing a lot of blod and was already unconscious.
And suddenly, feeling silly for having forgotten it because of your fear, you remembered. You weren’t powerless, you weren’t helpless. Your power… You could help him. Something good could come out of it.
You glanced at him, fixing your eyes on him as you considered it. Bucky looked worse by the second, and you might be his only chance. Only taking a few seconds more to prepare, clinging to his hand, you gulped in preparation.
“This better work, Barnes” You told him as you pressed a hand over his wound, even if he couldn’t hear you. “I’m not gonna let you die, you hear me? Oopen your eyes... wake up!”
Your face contorted with pain as your powers began working. At first it felt like heat exuded from his wound, burning your hand. But you lingered, staying strong and fighting through it. Then a pang of pain started at your palm, absorbing his, and slowly spread up your arm until it traveled down your torso and settled on your ribs. Wincing at the nasty feeling as it intensified, you yelped. You would never get accustomed to that sensation.
“Y/N? Hello?” Steve’s voice called out to you, joined by another one. Sam’s voice surprised you, but it was the proof that the Quinjet had arrived. “Y/N, where are you?”
You gasped when you tried to speak up. Squeezing Bucky’s hand with your shaky one, you clung on to consciousness. Your surroundings were becoming dark and blurry, and a profound unwell and nausea were taking over your body. Even if you were kneeling, your body felt weak and unstable. Too much so to let you call for help.
The world started spinning around you. The air was taken from your lungs.
Opening your mouth in a desperate attempt, you intently listened to the sound of footsteps growing closer. They were still too far away. You tried to call out. Couldn’t. Giving in to that sudden sickness that you stole from Bucky, you limply fell on your side, landing on the hard ground as the world became black.
_
The world felt too bright and overwhelming when you opened your eyes, long before you even grew aware of what had happened or where you were. Your entire body hurt, and your hand instinctively flew to your side.
Although a strange numbness started on your ribs, mildly spreading through all of your torso, you grimaced as soon as you touched the sore spot. You didn’t dare to look down, only feeling your clothes a thick bandage under your clothes that covered your wound. In any case, you felt too weak to even tilt your head to the side.
“This is all your fault!” Natasha’s loud voice woke you from your stupor. “Do you have any idea how much Y/N cares about you?”
The haze that clung on to your brain dissipated a little more, and you feebly glanced in the direction her voice came from. She was only a few rooms away. You didn’t know who she was yelling at, but she sounded really angry.
“Y/N could have died, just to prove something to you!” A small ruckus occurred, of things falling to the ground, and you assumed she had pushed whoever she was angry at. “None of this would have happened if you didn’t behave like that!”
“It would have been Bucky who could have died if Y/N hadn’t healed him” Steve’s voice intervened, calm and soothing. “You’re right to be angry, Natasha, but the last thing Bucky needs right now is more guilt”
“I’m…” A voice, soft as a whisper among the other loud two, interrupted their argument. “I’m going to see Y/N, look after-”
“You better do that” Natasha replied, even if her tone was slightly softer. “It’s the least you could do”
“Okay, okay” Tony spoke up over the hubbub that broke out. “Everyone calm down, there’s nothing to see here!”
A door opened, making it easier for the loudness to reach you for a moment. When it closed again, the voices muffled and died down until they grew silent. Footsteps echoed around the hallway, and you tensed up at the thought that someone was coming to your room.
It was then when you realized you were lying down in a bed, in the medical room. Just then, the door swung open to reveal Bucky. He froze at the threshold, staring at you with his eyes wide with surprise. They were red and puffy.
“You’re awake…” He muttered, but gasped when you tried to sit up. “No, no, don’t move!”
“I just…”
“You don’t have to say anything, I’ll never treat you like that ever again”
He had rushed to the bed and now towered over you as you lied down. Holding his gaze, you waited in silence. Bucky couldn’t look you in the eye, and so he averted his gaze.
Contradictory feelings battled within you. On the one hand, you were glad to see he was alive and unharmed now. On the other hand, and only for a second, you wondered if your sacrifice had been worth it. Now your secret was out, and he might still hate you after all.
However, seeing his expression of regret and guilt caused all your negative emotions to disappear. Bucky looked small and vulnerable, like a puppy. You had never seen like that, and all you wanted to do was hug him.
“Are you okay?” You whispered, unable to speak any louder.
“You’re asking me if I’m okay?” Bucky showed a sad smile that was more for himself than for you. “You’re incredible, even after all I’ve done to you… you still ask about me”
“Well…” You began, bearing sadness and concern in your voice. “Last time I saw you, you were bleeding out”
Bucky gulped at your words. He looked exhausted, almost like he had aged ten years in a matter of hours. A heavy silence settled in the room, until he dared to break it.
“How did you do it?” He asked, faking an interest on the marble ground to avoid locking eyes with you. “How did you heal me?”
“I have... powers” Your voice broke, but you gathered enough courage to continue speaking. “My father... he... he took me for HYDRA and...”
“I’m sorry” Bucky hurriedly interrupted you. “Y/N, I... I had no idea...”
He was now staring at you, although he had turned several shades paler. Now he was almost as pale as he was when you found him however many hours ago.
None of you said anything for several seconds. All you did was look at each other. Bucky’s eyes were teary, and his jaw was tightly clenched. After a long pause, he dared to pipe up, even if in a whisper.
“I... I’ll understand if you want me to leave”
“You don’t have to leave”
“Can I... sit down? I’d like to talk to you” When you nodded, Bucky dragged a chair along the floor to settle down next to you. Now you were at eye level, and he silently peered at you for a moment before adding. “But you need to rest, okay? Everyone’s already mad at me, and I don’t blame them”
“I’ll take it easy” You assured, even if your racing heart dwelt on the anguish and the anticipation of his next words.
“I… I was wrong.. I was wrong and I feel awful ” Bucky suddenly blurted out, averting his gaze and holding it on his hands on his lap. “The people at HYDRA don’t care about anyone but themselves… but you’re kind and selfless, I just failed to see it”
Your stomach flipped, feeling strange at his praise. Any lingering resentment you felt towards him had completely disappeared. But he wasn’t done.
“I don’t know how I didn’t see that before, and I’m really sorry, Y/N” Bucky bit his bottom lip. Your heart hurt when you saw tears glowing in his eyes, now more present. “I was blinded by the hate of what HYDRA did to me and to other people, and I blamed it on someone innocent. I blamed it on you, and I couldn’t see how amazing you are until you… until I thought you were...”
When he began sobbing, still refusing to make eye contact, you reached out to take his hand. He had been fiddling with his hands, squeezing his metal hand so hard that for a moment you thought he wanted to break it.
“What…?” He uttered, slowly lifting his gaze until it landed on you. “What are you doing?”
“I forgive you, Bucky” You tiredly said, clinging on to his metal hand. At least now he was squeezing yours back, even if very gently. “And you want to know why?”
“W-Why?”
“Because I have feelings for you…”
Bucky gawked at you. The tears froze on his eyelashes as he watched you, mouth agape. After a few more seconds of shock, he took a deep breath and looked away once more.
“I think I do too…” He admitted, struggling as though he had refused to admit it even to himself. “Maybe that’s why it hurt so much to think you were from HYDRA”
“I’m not” You insisted, leaning your intertwined hands against your side to feel his warmth.
“I know” Bucky forced himself to smile at you. It was the first time you saw that beautiful smile directed at you, and it brought butterflies to your stomach. “Now I know”
When he gingerly brushed his free hand against your wound, trying to caress it, you tensed up and breathed in through your teeth. Bucky immediately stood up, startled, and stepped away from you.
“I’m so sorry” Just when he was taking another step back, you held on to his hand.
Reading the look in his expression, you could almost hear the thoughts that boiled in his mind. All negative, toxic and filled with hate towards himself. You could see it in his eyes, the fear that he had hurt you. That he would continue to hurt you just like he had hurt all those people in his past.
You were all too familiar with thoughts like those, being the daughter of one of the worst people at HYDRA. That feeling was painfully similar to what he had been struggling with for years. But maybe you could change his mind, and he could change yours. Maybe, together, you could right some wrongs. Starting with each other.
“Can I steal your pain away?” Bucky said after a long pause, tenderly cradling your hand.
“You don’t have my powers”
“Still, maybe there’s a way I can make it up to you”
“Maybe...”
A lump formed in your throat when he approached you again. He took a step closer, and then another. Breathing as heavily as you were, Bucky leaned down closer to you. Trying to meet him in the middle, you sat up. Before you knew it, your lips were mere inches away from each other.
A heartbeat. A second. A pause. A hesitant silence. When it passed, the two of you moved at the unison until your lips connected. If your heart had been racing before, now it was beating so wildly that you worried it might jump out of your chest.
Bucky’s lips moved against yours with such a passion that you shivered. It felt like he was pouring all his emotion onto the kiss, filling it with an apology and a promise. An apology for all that had happened, for all the pain he had caused you. A promise to steal it away, to work hard every second from then on to make up for it, to steal your pain little by little until it was completely gone.
When you broke away, your mind felt fuzzy and light. Exhausted and overcome with emotions, you collapsed back on the bed, gasping like you had just run a marathon.
“Get some rest” Bucky said in a hoarse voice, strained with contained emotion even if the worry stood out. “I’ll look over you”
You lightly nodded your head, feeling your eyes closing themselves. The effects of all that had happened in the day crashed down on you like a tidal wave. Too many events, too many emotions, too many changes. But all for good.
As tired as you were, a mild anguish lingered in your gut. It only faded when you felt Bucky take your hand. You sighed, relieved that everything turned out alright. When you felt his lips gingerly brushing against your forehead, followed by a loving and comforting whisper, you sank into a peaceful darkness that promised a well deserved sleep.