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The incessant buzzing of his doorbell had Barba cursing it under his breath. He shot out of the bed and rushed to his front door. “Coming!” he hailed, a hand rubbing his heavy-lidded eyes. His thoughts had yet to gain their natural speed, the awakened world a mystery to him still.
Huffing, the former ADA swung the door opened. The buzzing ceased, and Barba missed a step when he tried to catch the figure that threatened to fall to the ground. She shifted on her feet, regained her footing, shaking her head. Her brown eyes met Rafael’s widening ones.
“Olivia?” he questioned.
Her answering grin was unconvincing. “Rafael Barba,” she said. The SVU captain raised a half-empty bottle of whisky. “Up for a drink?”
Rafael gave her space to enter. “Liv, what’s going on?” His heart pounded, his gaze searched her features as she missed steps on her way in.
He pushed the door closed and scooted to her. He touched her arm, she faced him. “Hey.”
“Olivia, what’s wrong? Did you drive here?” he frowned.
She denied with her head. “I can’t, took a cab. You know, I have the sweetest boy now,” her smile held bitterness. “He can’t be without his mom, he has nobody else.”
“Where is he now?” questioned Rafael.
“With Jessie and Billie and ‘Manda,” joy reached her eyes. “Amanda is great.”
“She is,” he answered. “Come here, let’s sit down, okay?”
Olivia escaped his grip, she kicked her shoes off. “These are annoying me.”
“Alright, now let me help you sit down.”
“I don’t want to,” she shot, stepping back, away from him. She shook her head. “I don’t want to, Rafael.” His name cracked in her mouth, her eyes watered.
“Liv, it’s alright,” he showed his hands.
The captain watched him, head to toe. “You were sleeping.”
“It isn’t important now.”
She scoffed. “Always Rafael Barba,” she declared. “How can you be real?”
He frowned.
“Don’t be like this,” she said, “perfect feminist icon Rafael Barba. Saint Rafael. Holy Barba.”
“Talk to me, Olivia,” he tried.
Benson tipped her head. “It’s awful and amazing how you get kissable doing this, being nice.”
“Olivia…”
“It’s awful because, you know, every man should be an upstanding citizen like Holy Barba. But it’s amazing because…” she regarded. “I don’t know, you’re… Strange.”
He swallowed.
“The worst is that it also means you won’t kiss me, the best is that it’s good because this can’t be a good idea.”
Rafael stepped in her direction.
“I don’t want to be trapped, Rafael,” she said. “I know what you’re doing, but I want this,” she gestured around the apartment. “I need to stand. I’ll sit if I get tired.”
He sighed. “Please, will you tell me what happened?”
She smiled, her eyes watered. “God, we could have good sex right now.” She pressed her lips together. “But this isn’t fair to you, is it?” She avoided his eyes. “Elliot is back. Elliot Stabler. His wife died, his kids are back, and…” Benson held her eyes closed, tears rolling down her cheeks. “I’m…” she gulped. “Ten years, ten years . He was gone for ten years of my life, not a word!” Her hands covered her face. Olivia let them fall after a moment. “I tried to understand, I was sad and angry and I lashed out on Nick and Rollins… I became him for a whole year. Angry, defensive, arrogant.” She leaned against a wall. “It took me a long time to get over it. Now he’s back,” she shrugged, “and I have to be good to him because he was my partner and he meant a lot, but… God, I hate him. I hate him for leaving, I hate him for coming back. I’m relieved to see him again, but I wish he would disappear.”
“Liv,--”
“Stop!” she shot. “Please, stop.” Benson met his eyes with her reddened ones. “Don’t be nice, not now.”
Rafael furrowed his brows, he fought the urge to walk to her, hold her. “You can’t ask me not to--”
“I can! And I’m doing it. You don’t get a say here, not now.” Fire in her irises. “ You left.” She chuckled, her voice cracking. The noise lost between a chuckle and a sob. “You left me, you were my best friend and you left.” A humorless laugh. “You loved me, so you left.”
Barba his lips parted, his mouth dry.
“Don’t,” she said.
“You know I had to,” he whispered.
More tears on her cheeks. “Yes, and I get it. I’ve been there, but…” she shook her head. “Why? Why would you do this to me? We were a team… Why does this keep happening?”
He swallowed the lump on his throat, stepped her way. “Olivia, please.” She kept her eyes on his. “ Please , I can’t see you like this.”
A weak nod.
Rafael had his arms around her in a blink. Tremors shook her entire body as sobs left her. She grabbed at him, hugging him back.
“I miss you so much,” she cried.
He ran a hand through her hair. “I’m here, I’m here now. I missed you too.” He kissed the side of her head.
The shivers died down, her hold easing.
“Come on, let’s sit down, okay?”
She didn’t fight him, let him take her by the hand to the couch.
“Noah will stay with Amanda tonight, right?” he asked.
Olivia nodded, sniffing.
“Okay, you’re staying here tonight. I have a spare bedroom for when my mother comes over. We’ll get you settled there, okay?”
Benson licked her lips, shook her head.
He took her hand, squeezed it. “I’m here, Liv. I’m not going anywhere.”
She held his gaze, leaned against the cushions. “I don’t want to go through this again, Rafa. This thing with Elliot, I can’t do it. I’ll start seeing my therapist again, but…” she squeezed his hand back.
“You’re not alone,” he assured. “I got your back. I’m not leaving until you want me to.”
She beamed. “We made a deal, remember? You’re staying until I’m eighty-five.”
Barba smiled. “It’s a deal then. Until eighty-five.”