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Ladies and gentleman, today we end our 7th season of Hotman, the Fire Nation’s #1 dating show, with a very, very special announcement. We’ve just gotten word that Season 8 will be one for the ages. The Firelord herself is here in Avatar Studios to give you the exciting news. Otherwise you might not believe us!
“No,” Iroh said firmly. “Absolutely not.”
There were six of them together in the outer chamber where his mother typically received visitors: Varrick, Asami Sato, Bolin, Tenzin, Tai, and of course his mother herself. Iroh tried to remember how many conspirators there had been in the 465 BG attempt to overthrow Firelord Bunzo and recalled it was about the same. Conspiracies seemed to work like that. You had the idea person, the financier, the enthusiast, the diplomat, the idealist, and the insider. Treachery on repeat. Just swap out the victim.
“Honey—” Izumi placed a hand on his shoulder that he promptly shook off.
“No. I’ll not be paraded around on television like some piece of meat.”
“It’s hardly parading,” said Tenzin. “I’ve seen the show. It’s very tasteful.”
“Plus the girls are way hot,” chimed Bolin.
“And technically it’s them parading,” Asami added. “The Hotman just has to stand there and pick one.” Then she frowned. “Come to think of it, that’s terrible. Maybe we should change that part.”
“It’s all terrible,” Iroh said.
“And by terrible, you mean a terrible mistake not to participate!” Varrick beamed at him with all the compassion of a lion shark. Iroh groaned. He should have turned and run the other way as soon as he saw the man. Nothing good ever came of working with Varrick. “Our show reaches thousands. It’s the perfect way to boost your reputation.”
“And find you a girlfriend!” Bolin cheered. Then he furrowed his brows. “You do like girls, right?”
“My reputation is fine,” Iroh snapped. “And yes I like girls, that isn’t the point—”
Tenzin cleared his throat politely. “You lost ten ships, Iroh. No one blames you or doubts your abilities, but public opinion regarding the United Forces’ effectiveness is not what it should be. And that hot mic incident didn’t help. You’re nothing but professional, but you said some things off-camera that were, shall we say, less than diplomatic. A show like this is a lovely, lighthearted way to highlight your softer side.”
“I don’t have a softer side,” Iroh grumbled. For some reason Asami snorted.
“And it’s good for us, too,” Izumi continued. “I want the royal family to feel accessible. I understand Hotman pulls contestants from all over the Fire Nation, and for this season we’d do a worldwide search. Think how inspiring that would be! Any girl, from anywhere, has a chance to be the future Fire Lady. We’d carefully manage the process of course, I’m not letting just anyone waltz into the palace, but it would give the appearance of access.”
Varrick threw up his hands. “Because who doesn’t love hereditary monarchy?”
“Lots of people.” Iroh started ticking off his fingers. “Red Lotus, Equalists, the Si Wong tribes, those eastern pirates…”
Varrick’s smile widened. “Not if they think they can marry into it.” Then he looked thoughtful. “Zhu Li!” he called. A thin woman in large round glasses poked her head in the door. “Remind me we should have some Red Lotus contestants. And pirates.”
“Yes, sir.”
“But why me?” Iroh asked desperately. “I’m busy, I have a job to do. I don’t have time to be fluffing about pretending to date on TV. I’m too important for this.” His gaze searched five impassive faces for any sign of support before finally settling on his sister. Surely she wouldn’t do this to him. “Tai? Isn’t there somebody else?”
“But aren’t you lonely, Ro Ro?” Her amber eyes were huge and concerned. “You work so much. I know it’s for show, but wouldn’t it be nice if you found somebody?”
His last defense crumbled. He had no allies here, not even his sister. Iroh ran one hand through his hair and sighed. “I’m not getting engaged.”
“Of course not!” Izumi said quickly. “I mean, if you did find someone suitable I’d be all for it, I’d love to see you settled but—”
“Hardly necessary,” Varrick cut in. “The engagement is just for show. I promise you won’t be marrying anybody.”