Work Text:
And if you go, I want to go with you
And if you die, I want to die with you
Take your hand and walk away
System of a Down, Lonely Day
They were sat in a corner of the Library together, studying. Barriss was studying for an anatomy test that she’d be having in a few days, but it wasn’t going well due to... Several distractions.
“Come on Barriss” Ahsoka sighed. “You’ve been studying for the past three weeks! Let’s go do something fun together!”
“This test is very important, you know” Barriss replied. “And maybe I’d be done sooner if a certain someone” she looked up at Ahsoka teasingly, “Wasn’t constantly distracting me.”
Ahsoka sighed again. “Well I only get a week of shore leave and I intended to use that time to catch up with my friends” she said. “Yet here is my best friend, to busy with her school-work.” She put on her best pout. “It would be a waste if I couldn’t actually catch up with her while I’m here, who knows how long it’ll be until we both have shore leave again.”
Barriss looked up again. “Are you trying to manipulate me?” she said. She tried to look serious, but the twinkle in her eyes betrayed her. Ahsoka really enjoyed it when she could bring Barriss out of her shell like this.
“Is it working?” Ahsoka asked, smiling mischievously.
Barriss sighed deeply, then slammed her book shut. “You’re lucky you’re so irresistible, you know?” she said. Ahsoka smiled at her, with that smile Barriss absolutely adored. “I suppose I can get back to studying later” she said. “I assume you have some crazy, over-the-top idea of what we could do?” she continued teasingly.
Ahsoka’s face screwed up in mock indignation. “my ideas are not “over the top”, just... Very creative.”
Barriss nodded. “If that’s what you want to call it” she said, still teasing. “Anyways, I assume you had an idea?”
“We could go down to the food stalls on level 1405” Ahsoka said. “There’s food from lots of cultures there, all bite-sized and ready to eat. And honestly, I haven’t had good food in a while.”
Barriss hummed. Then her stomach grumbled at the prospect of food. She blushed.
In Ahsoka’s humble opinion, that blush was incredibly endearing. “Sounds like your body agrees” she said.
“Well, I might have forgotten to get lunch while I was studying” Barriss replied, blushing still. “I guess we can go get some food.”
-0-0-0-0-
They sat down in a quiet corner of the marketplace, eating their respective foods.
Ahsoka hummed as she shovelled her food into her mouth. “This is even better then I remembered” she commented between bites.
Barriss chuckled. “You might enjoy it for longer if you slowed down a little, don’t you think?” she said.
Ahsoka mumbled some protest, but slowed down none-the-less.
They ate in silence for a few minutes. When they’d finished, they looked out over the business of the market in silence.
After a moment, Barriss spoke. “Its almost difficult to imagine there’s a war going on out there” she said.
“It is” Ahsoka agreed. Both of them were quiet, for a moment. Barriss studied her friend’s features as they sat there. The frown on her face. The gentle curve of her Montrals and lekku, framing her facial features. Her mouth, curved in a gentle smile. And lastly, those wonderful light-blue eyes, like the shallow waters of a tropical ocean, full of life. “What do you think it would’ve been like if the war didn’t exist?”
Barriss thought for a moment, before answering: “I imagine I would’ve been a much more qualified healer by now” She said. Ahsoka could feel the longing in her words. “I wouldn’t have had to kill so many. Not anyone, if I could have helped it.” She sighed. “But unfortunately, that’s not the world we live in.”
It was quiet once again as Ahsoka thought. “I can barely imagine what my padawanship would’ve looked like without the war” she said.
“Do you enjoy it?” Barriss suddenly asked, intensely. “The fighting?”
Ahsoka stilled, bowing her head. “No” she said quietly. “I don’t. Sometimes, there are moments where I think I’ve found a good rhythm, and then I can only watch as one of my soldiers gets torn apart by some explosive or the other.” Her breathing shuddered. “Sometimes I wonder if there is a future for me, or if I’ll die somewhere on some planet. Sometimes I wonder if this war is right, or if the Separatists actually have a point.” She stopped for a moment to breathe, her exhales shuddering. “Sometimes I feel like the war is just... Never going to end, that it’ll always feel like this.”
Barriss sighed as she laid her arm on Ahsoka’s shoulders. “I understand that” she said. “I feel it too.”
Ahsoka wrapped an arm around Barriss’s midriff, squeezing it.
Barriss squeezed back with her own.
After a moment, Ahsoka had her breathing back under control. “And here I was, trying to cheer you up, and instead we manage to dredge up our misery.”
Barriss chuckled, smiling a bit. “it’s always good to know that there are other people who think this war is senseless” she said.
“I suppose it is” Ahsoka said, chuckling a little as well. “But I think we’ve talked enough about the war for today.” She was quiet for a moment. “Can I ask you something weird?” she asked.
“I think you already did” Barriss answered cheekily. “but what is your question?”
“Can you...” Ahsoka looked away shyly. “Can you meditate with me, please?”
Barriss smiled at her request. “Of course, Ahsoka” she said. “I would be glad to meditate with you.”
-0-0-0-0-
They were sat in Barriss’s private room together, postured in a normal meditative position, facing each other. Barriss became aware of the rythm of her breaths, then slowly let that awareness fade, clearing her mind. She almost drifted into memories, but focussed on the wonderful light of Ahsoka’s presence in the Force to bring herself back to the present. Slowly, she dropped her mental shields, focussing on the awareness the Force brought her.
She noticed that meditating was... Easier, somehow, while Ahsoka was here. Lately, she’d found she had a hard time not slipping into memories when trying to connect to the Force, but Ahsoka’s presence gave her... A focal point, as it were.
And so, they both float on the stream that was the Force, both basking in its presence, strengthening their connection, and admiring the greater awareness it brings.
Ahsoka faltered, momentarily, before regaining focus. But Barriss can sense that something is bothering her companion. “Something is bothering you” Barriss says. “What is it?”
“Nothing” Ahsoka says, as if startled that her counterpart had noticed. “I’m sorry if I disturbed you.”
“It’s quite alright Ahsoka” Barriss reassures. “Just know that if you ever need to talk, I’ll be here for you.”
Ahsoka sighs wearily. “I know I can” she says. “ and thank you” she paused for a moment. “You know you can talk to me too, right? If you ever need to?”
Barriss smiled. “I’ll keep that in mind”
They continue meditating. Or try to, anyway, but Barriss can tell that Ahsoka has lost her focus.
Not too long after, Ahsoka releases a frustrated breath, and opened her eyes. “I’m sorry” she said. “I just can’t focus right now, I just...”
“It’s alright, Ahsoka” Barriss said gently, opening her eyes. It was quiet for a moment. “do you want to talk about it?”
“It’s just...” Ahsoka sighed, not rising from her position, merely laying on her back and stretching out her legs. “I have to keep fighting. It’s my duty, to protect the innocent, to protect my troops.” She sighed again, suppressing a shudder. “But I don’t know if I can go on like this.”
Barriss lied herself down next to her friend. “You’re not alone, Ahsoka” she said. “I...” she sighed. “I often feel the same. Sometimes...” she hesitated for a moment. “Sometimes I feel like I should leave, because I could do more good on my own than with the Jedi. I can’t keep fighting in this war.”
“But we can’t leave” Ahsoka objected. “We have a duty to protect the innocent, don’t we?”
“We can’t protect the innocent and side with the Republic at the same time, Ahsoka” Barriss replied. “Or side with the Separatists, for that matter. I don’t think there’s a “good” side in this war, not anymore. Just a bad side and a worse one.
Ahsoka nodded, propping herself up to look Barriss in the face. She studied her friend’s features. The gentle yellow-green skin. The geometric pattern of tattoos that gently split her face in two parts. The gentle curve of her lips. Ahsoka wondered how those lips would taste, then startled a little at her thoughts. Trying to bring her mind to something else, she looked at the deep, sapphire eyes of her fellow padawan, those wonderful, gentle pools of dark blue.
“If you go” Ahsoka said with steady conviction born from the firm belief that she was right, “I will go with you. If you’ll have me.”
Barriss’s eyes widened in surprise. “Why?” she asked.
“Because I think you’re right” Ahsoka answered. “We can’t both fight for the Republic and protect the innocent, not while we’re under their power. And because...” she hesitated. “Because I love you.” It came out as a confession, yet it was the truth, nothing more and nothing less.”
“oh” Barriss said, almost to soft to hear. She stared into her friend’s eyes, her lover’s eyes, and found many things. Conviction, pleading, and a thousand other emotions fought for dominance in those wonderful, beautiful light blue eyes.
“can I kiss you?” Barriss asked, quietly yet surely.
Ahsoka smiled widely, her face lighting up with happiness.
The first press of their lips was soft, and gentle, not quite steady. Neither of them had experience, but that didn’t bother them. They separated momentarily, before connecting again, surer this time.
They stayed together like that, Ahsoka half over her now-partner for a very long time.