Work Text:
Seungmin was shaking as he hurried through the streets of Seoul, moving on autopilot. He knew that it wasn’t a good idea to be out on his own; he’d only been on hiatus for a couple of weeks, and Seungmin was supposed to be meeting with his nutritionist. But things hadn’t been going well, and he’d just needed to get out.
The nutritionist that Seungmin had been sent to had seemed fine at first; she’d seemed to listen to what Seungmin had to say about what he could and couldn’t eat, and she’d seemed to want to create a plan that he felt comfortable with working on. But by his second appointment it had been clear that she didn’t fully understand Seungmin’s condition, and she had begun to push Seungmin too hard in his recovery. The plan that Seungmin had been presented with during their initial appointment had disappeared, and he had struggled all week trying to stick with the new plan in order to meet the new goals she had set for him without his input.
It had all resulted in Seungmin losing more weight, which was obviously not what they wanted given his current situation. The nutritionist had berated him for not trying harder to get better, without giving Seungmin a chance to explain why he was uncomfortable with what they were doing and how difficult all of it was for him. He hadn’t been able to get a word in, and eventually he had simply stood up and run out of the room to just get away from all of the noise. He’d just kept going even after he’d gotten out of the building, letting his feet just carry him without really paying much attention to where he was or what was going on around him.
Seungmin had lost all track of time by the time he found himself in front of the JYP building, but he found himself instantly starting to relax as he walked through the doors. Even if he wasn’t working, Seungmin knew that he was safe inside those walls; he could calm down there, knowing that he was surrounded by people who knew him and who would actually want to help him.
“Minnie?” Seungmin looked up as he heard someone call his name, sobbing softly and hurrying forward into Changbin’s waiting arms as the elder man seemed to be trying to figure out what was going on and why he was there.
The rapper immediately began stroking Seungmin’s hair, making soft noises to try and calm Seungmin down. “Hey, hey… you’re okay, aegi,” Changbin commented softly. “Let’s go someplace quiet, okay? We’ll get you calmed down, and then we’ll talk about what happened…”
Seungmin let the elder man guide him through the halls of the JYP building, until they arrived at 3RACHA’s production studio. The room was small, but it was much cozier than the practice rooms that the group usually hung out in and there was a nice couch. The room was empty, and Changbin was quick to grab a blanket and wrap it around Seungmin’s shoulders before he gently guided him to sit down on the sofa. “I’m going to get you some water, and I’m going to text Chan-hyung, okay?” Changbin asked, once Seungmin was sitting down.
“O-okay,” Seungmin replied, nodding slowly as he pulled the blanket as tight as he could around his body. It really wasn’t enough to calm him down, but without the weighted blanket it was the best pressure stim Seungmin could get in that moment.
Changbin was back a moment later with the bottle of water, which he’d already opened for Seungmin. “Take a sip, okay? Then we’ll talk,” Changbin commented, moving to gently rub Seungmin’s back.
“Ch-Chan-hyung?” Seungmin asked softly, as he took the bottle of water and took a slow sip.
“He’s on his way… we can wait until he gets here, if you don’t want to have to say it more than once,” Changbin replied. The older man gently massaged the back of his neck, obviously trying to help Seungmin calm down. “Is there anything I can do to help you calm down right now?”
“Can you… can you hold me?” Seungmin asked.
“Sure,” Changbin replied, moving closer and wrapping his arms around Seungmin so that Seungmin could lean against the rapper’s chest. “Do you need me to hold you kind of tight, or do you just want me to stay with you like this?”
“T-tighter, please,” Seungmin replied.
“You need the pressure?” Changbin asked, as he did exactly what Seungmin had asked. Seungmin nodded slowly, closing his eyes and trying to just focus on the weight of the rapper’s arms around him. It helped much more than just the blanket, although it still wasn’t quite as good as having the even pressure of his weighted blanket over his whole body.
Seungmin was much calmer by the time there was a soft knock on the door, prompting him to open his eyes as Chan opened the door and stuck his head in. “Hey… can I come in?” the leader asked. Seungmin nodded, thankful when Chan immediately shut the door behind himself and moved to sit on Seungmin’s other side. “Are you cold, aegi?”
“He asked me to hold him,” Changbin replied, when Seungmin didn’t answer the question. “We haven’t talked about what’s going on yet… I thought it would be better to give him some time to calm down first.”
“I think that’s a good idea,” Chan replied. “Drink some more of your water, Minnie. Do your parents know you’re here, or do I need to call them?”
Seungmin felt sick as he suddenly realized that his mother would be very stressed out when he didn’t arrive home on time from his doctor’s appointment. “I forgot…” he began softly, starting to sit up and trying to fumble through is pockets for his phone.
“It’s okay,” Chan interrupted, stopping him as Changbin readjusted their positions to make sure that Seungmin was still comfortable. “I’m going to call her and let her know that you’re with us and you’re safe. I can get a manager to drive you home in a couple of hours, when you’re calmer and ready to go.”
Seungmin nodded slowly, taking another sip from his bottle as Chan pulled out his phone to make the call. The leader had saved phone numbers for everyone’s parents in his own phone fairly early on after they had been chosen to debut together, just in case Chan ever needed to contact them in case of an emergency.
Seungmin zoned out as the older man spoke softly with his mother, closing his eyes and leaning his head against Changbin’s shoulder as the elder man continued to hold onto him tightly.
“Minnie… are you calm enough to talk to your mom right now, or do you need a little more time?” Chan asked a few moments later, holding out the phone towards Seungmin. Seungmin hesitated, before he reached out to take the device from the older man.
“Eomma?” Seungmin asked softly.
“Are you alright, aegi?” the woman asked, keeping her voice fairly soft.
“The hyungs are taking care of me,” Seungmin replied.
“But everything is okay right now?” his mother asked again, pressing for more information. “Do you need me to come pick you up?”
“No… no, I’m okay right now,” Seungmin replied. “I think… I think I need to stay here for a while. Just until I calm down.”
“Okay, aegi. Just let us know if you’re going to be home for dinner, okay?”
“Okay,” Seungmin replied, handing the phone back to Chan so that the leader could finalize the arrangements with his mother for Seungmin to stay with the group for the rest of the afternoon.
Seungmin felt better as soon as the phone call was over, knowing that his parents weren’t worried about him and that they were okay with him being with his members instead of at home. Although he was still upset, Seungmin could feel himself calming down in the presence of the two older men.
“Mianhe…” Seungmin began, once he felt calmer.
“You have nothing to apologize for, Minnie,” Changbin replied, squeezing him gently. “We’re worried about what just happened, but we’re definitely not going to be mad at you for coming to us when something has upset you. Especially when it’s obviously bad…”
“It was stupid…” Seungmin began, shaking his head.
“No, it’s not,” Chan replied, stroking a hand through Seungmin’s hair to comfort him. “If it upset you that much, it’s definitely not stupid. Whatever you’re feeling right now is valid, Minnie.”
“She just… it was too much. And she got so upset when she found out I lost more weight…” Seungmin closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. “I didn’t mean to… I really did try last week. But it’s hard, and it was just too much all at once and it only seemed to make things worse…”
“Oh, aegi…” Changbin commented, squeezing him a little tighter.
“Who was this, Minnie?” Chan asked. Seungmin felt the leader’s hand gently taking his own, squeezing it gently.
“The nutritionist,” Seungmin admitted.
“She got upset with you because you lost a little more weight?” Chan prodded. Seungmin nodded slowly. “But… that’s hardly your fault, if she was pushing you too hard too quickly. You’ve barely started this whole process - it’s still too early for you to be pushed this far out of your comfort zone.”
“She’s supposed to push me…” Seungmin began.
“There’s a big difference between exposure therapy and traumatizing you,” Changbin interrupted. “If it’s too much and she doesn’t understand that, then she’s causing you more harm than good. I don’t think that you realize just how scary it was seeing you walk in the building like that, Minnie. You had been crying, and you were shaking and looked awful. I didn’t know what was going on, but I knew that it was bad just from how upset you looked in that moment.”
Seungmin took a deep breath, closing his eyes. “I just want to get better…” Seungmin began.
“And you will, aegi,” Changbin replied. “You just need some more time - and a nutritionist that actually understands your eating disorder. Being on the autism spectrum… it makes things different, and your team has to understand that part of who you are in order to make sure that they’re treating you in the way that’s actually right for you.”
“And that is something we’re going to help you make sure you get,” Chan added.
Seungmin nodded slowly, closing his eyes and letting himself relax into their arms again. “You’re tired… do you want to just try to sleep for a little while?” Changbin asked softly.
“I… can I just stay and watch whatever’s going on today?” Seungmin asked. “I know that I can’t participate or anything… but I feel like I just need something normal today…”
“Yeah, we can do that,” Chan replied. “Everyone is doing individual things right now, so you can take a nap for a little while if you need to. Have you had anything to eat for lunch yet, or should I see if one of the managers can get something for you?”
“I… I don’t think I can right now…” Seungmin replied, shaking his head.
“Okay, then. Just drink your water for now, so that you don’t get dehydrated,” Changbin replied. “We can try a snack or something later, once you’re calmer and feeling a bit better.”
Seungmin nodded slowly, taking a few small sips from the water bottle and trying his best to just focus on relaxing in Changbin’s arms. It was really easy to relax in the rapper’s arms; Seungmin felt safe there, knowing that his hyungs were there to protect him. Even though he wasn’t usually a fan of skinship, given his current mental state he actually felt as though he needed the sensation for a change. “I’m going to get some work done… let us know if you need anything, okay, Minnie? You know that we’ve got your back.”
“Thank you.”
***
Seungmin leaned into Chan’s side as the leader kept his arms tight around Seungmin’s shoulders, providing as much pressure as he could under the current circumstances. Although he knew that he shouldn’t be nervous about going back to his family’s apartment, Seungmin couldn’t help worrying about what his parents would say when he had to explain to them what had happened that morning.
Seungmin had delayed going home as much as he could, even staying with his members for dinner despite the fact that he really couldn’t get himself to eat much of the meal that their managers had picked up for everyone. Thankfully, the other members had all been more than willing to share what Seungmin could convince himself to eat from their own plates - Minho had even jokingly fed him like a small child for part of the meal, just to make sure that Seungmin actually ate something. While it had been awkward at first, the other members had done their best to pretend as though it was completely normal.
“Want me to come up with you?” Chan asked, as their manager pulled into the underground parking garage associated with the building Seungmin’s parents lived in.
“Can you?”
“Of course I can,” Chan replied, nodding. “You can wait for me for a little while, right, hyung?”
“It’s not a problem… we have a later start in the morning, anyway,” the manager driving them replied, as he pulled into a parking spot designated for visitors. “I can answer some e-mails, while the two of you take care of this.”
Seungmin nodded slowly. “Thank you, hyung.”
Chan stayed close to Seungmin as they made their way to the elevator, always keeping at least one hand on his arm almost as if the leader was afraid that Seungmin was going to run away from him. Not that Seungmin blamed him; considering what had happened earlier in the day, Seungmin knew that he was probably going to be considered a flight risk any time he was obviously uncomfortable at least for a little while.
It still felt a little strange to type in the code at his family’s home, given the fact that Seungmin hadn’t lived at home for quite a while before he’d gotten sick. But he was surprised when his mother was almost immediately at the door, hurrying to pull Seungmin into a tight hug. “How are you feeling, aegi?” she asked quietly, gently stroking his cheek as she looked over him to make sure that he was physically okay.
“I’m just tired, eomma,” Seungmin replied, shaking his head. “Today was hard…”
“Let’s go sit down, okay? We can talk about what happened, and see if we can figure out how to fix it,” his mother replied. “Do you want Chan-ah to stay for a little while?”
Seungmin nodded slowly. “Please…” he began.
Seungmin was thankful that Chan was with him as they all sat down in the living room, with Seungmin pulling his knees up to his chest pretty much immediately. “It’s okay, Minnie…” Chan began, gently massaging the back of Seungmin’s neck. “You can tell your eomma… she’s going to be on your side.”
“I can’t go back to that nutritionist,” Seungmin began, taking a deep breath. He didn’t look up at his mother, instead closing his eyes. “I don’t think she understands, eomma… she changed the whole plan, and when I lost more weight last week she was just so angry…”
Seungmin bit down on his bottom lip as he waited for his mother to respond to his explanation, feeling incredibly tense. “Oh… aegi, I’m so sorry,” she finally commented. Seungmin felt his mother moving to sit next to him, wrapping him in a tight hug. “We’ll call your psychiatrist in the morning and let him know what’s happened, so that we can get you a referral to a new nutritionist.”
Seungmin let out a shaky breath, leaning into his mother’s embrace and letting the tears that he hadn’t even realized were building up start to fall. He could feel Chan gently squeezing his shoulder as he just let his emotions spill out. “You’re okay now, Minnie… we’ve all got your back,” Chan reassured. “All we want is to make sure that you’re okay.”
“Chan-ah is right, aegi. Whatever we need to do… we’re going to make sure that you have the right team to help you through all of this,” his mother added.
“I just… I want to get better,” Seungmin began softly. “I wanted so much for all of this to work. But it was all too much too fast, and it just made things worse…”
“Hey… hey, we all know that you want to get better. No one is questioning that,” Chan replied. “That’s all anyone wants here, Minnie. We’re going to do whatever it takes, okay? Whatever you need in terms of time, or support, or whatever - everyone is on your side here.”
Seungmin took a deep, shaky breath to try and calm himself down. “We all love you, aegi, and we want what’s best for you,” his mother reiterated, pressing a kiss against the top of his head.
“Speaking of which… if it might help, and if his doctor says that it’s okay, we’re more than happy to have Minnie come hang out with us on the days that he doesn’t have therapy or doctor’s appointments,” Chan commented. “Even if it isn’t completely normal, since you can’t work right now, maybe just the routine of being at the company building might help? Once you got there this afternoon and we got your mind off what had happened, you seemed to calm down and really relax, Minnie. You seemed happier.”
Seungmin felt his mother stroking a hand through his hair. “Do you think that might be helpful, aegi?” she asked.
“Maybe?” Seungmin shrugged. “It was nice, being able to just be there for a while with everyone else. To feel like things were still kind of normal, even if I couldn’t actually do anything.”
“Then let’s try it,” his mother suggested. “Maybe having some kind of structure to your days outside of going to your doctors will be good for you… and it might make it easier for you to get back into the swing of things when you are doing better and you’re ready to go back to work.”
“I can text you our schedules, so that you know what’s going on every day and you can figure out if it’s something that you would feel comfortable hanging out with us during,” Chan added. “Even if you just want to come hang out in the studio, while the rest of the group is off doing other things, that would be okay, too. Like I said, whatever you need.”
“That… that could work,” Seungmin replied, nodding.
“We can talk over the details more tomorrow, after your doctor’s appointment,” his mother added, stroking his hair again. Seungmin could feel himself relaxing under her touch, and all of the day’s stress began to melt away. “I think it’s time to go get ready for bed now, aegi. You’ve had a long day, and I’m sure that you’re exhausted…”
“I need to head back to the dorm… but I’ll talk to you tomorrow, too, Minnie,” Chan added, as he stood up. “Please, don’t hesitate to let us know if there’s anything else we can do to help. We all just want what’s best for Seungmin-ah, and we’re willing to do whatever we can.”
“Thank you, hyung,” Seungmin replied.
“We really do appreciate everything that you’ve all done, Chan-ssi,” Seungmin’s mother added. “It really does make all of this a bit easier, knowing that he’ll have a good support system when he’s well enough to return to work.”