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“I think we should break up.”
That was it. She had just said it, like she told him his shoes were by the door. Louis looked up at her, soft brown eyes and bits of hair hanging in her face, the rest of it braided and casual over one shoulder, as she sipped at her coffee. He liked times like these. Getting to be at home, spend time with El, not have paps or fans hounding them wanting to know their every move and motive. Tour was just a couple weeks away. If they broke up…well, this certainly couldn’t get out now.
“W-what? I don’t understand.” He stuttered.
Eleanor licked the coffee taste away from her lips, her eyes still fixed on him. She looked sad, but Louis felt it was more of a sympathetic sadness for him than for herself really. She sighed.
“I don’t know what’s happened, but you’re not you anymore Louis. You’ve not been for a long time. You’re cold, you make jokes at the worst times, pat me on the back like I’m one of your mates, pull away like you don’t want to kiss me.”
“That’s not true.” Louis frowned.
“It is. You act like…” She stopped, hesitating, “Like I’m your job.”
It was the last think Louis wanted to hear. Rumours about the validity of his relationship with Eleanor had been questioned for years, and to hear her say it was knife in his heart. Because it meant Louis had to face something he’d been running from for a long time. Louis’ truth was right in front of his face, everyone saw and everyone knew. Now even Eleanor was pointing it out.
“We don’t have to tell anyone. I mean not yet. It’s not their business anyway, but at some point…we will have too. Still, I know it might be bad publicity before the tour.”
“Thanks.” Louis muttered, what could he say? Last night they had shared a bed and this morning her stoic expression said that she had been thinking about this for a long time.
“How long have you thought about this? Did you just stick around for the cushy lifestyle?” Louis was trying so hard to read her right now, but she had always had that face. That ‘I don’t care’ face. She always looked bored. Honestly it always got on his nerves.
“Doesn’t matter does it?” She finished the last of her coffee, “I am really sorry Louis. I can be moved out whenever you want.”
“You in a hurry?”
Eleanor shook her head, “No, but this is for more for you than it is for me.”
“Wait, wait, wait!” Louis reached across the table and grabbed at her arm, “Eleanor, I’m not gay. I’ve told you, I’ll say it again. Is that what you need to hear?”
“Oh Louis…” She reached back, taking his hand in hers and squeezing gently, their eyes met and she could only see how scared he was, “I never said you were.”
~~~
(1 month later)
“Wake up Tommo! We’re here!”
Niall’s voice cut through Louis’ somewhat awesome dreams. Not that awesome, but anything was more awesome than the way he had been feeling lately. He’d told the boys about his breakup, and they were all acceptably sympathetic, at times a little more-so. The tour had kicked off, and they were starting in Australia. Louis loved Australia. Surfing and sun and some of the most chill people. The mobbing came, but it was sort of low-key mobbing. The interviewers were usually on point, and gave him a break from some of the nonsense he often got asked. At least he wouldn’t have to hear any pitiful I’m sorrys about Eleanor yet.
He didn’t know what time it was. Planes and time zones and all the rubbish just got rattled up in Louis’ head. He slept when he was tired. As long as he was awake when they needed him he didn’t bother about it.
They got to the hotel, and of course fans were already there. Louis could hear the building screams as he gathered his bags. He was not in the mood. They would probably tweet about his rudeness later but he just couldn’t care. He felt like he hadn’t slept at all, dizzy and vision fuzzy. They had come a day early, and he was very glad because putting on a brave face was not an option right now.
He was quiet in the lift.
“You alright mate?” Zayn asked, “You look terrible.”
“Honesty was always your strong point Zayn.” Louis huffed, the five of them marching out in the hallway, and all piling into Liam’s room for the time being. Louis curled up on the couch. He could sleep, but didn’t want to be alone right now.
“Are you sick?” Harry asked, looking up from the duffle bag he was rifling through.
“No Haz. M’not.” Louis mumbled his reply.
“Is it about Eleanor?”
Louis sighed loudly at her name, “No.”
“Sorry.”
“Do you want us to leave?” Niall asked.
Louis folded his arms over his chest, hugging himself, laid down and staring up at Niall with wide eyes, and then over to the other boys. He didn’t want to be a mood-killer just as they had gotten here. But he’d felt such a shift lately. Among themselves, and him especially. Harry and Niall were nearly inseparable these days…like he and Harry used to be. Liam spent so much time with Zayn lately, and Zayn and Niall would hole themselves up for hours playing Fifa and not tell him. Even Harry and Zayn seemed to have bonded more lately. Louis felt…left out. He was always there, but he wasn’t.
“I think I just need to sleep some more. You don’t have to stick around. Go do something.”
“Actually…” Liam yawned, “A nap doesn’t sound like a bad idea.”
“Yeah, alright.” Harry agreed.
So a nap it was. Louis stayed where he was on the couch, Niall, Liam, and Harry crawling into the large bed to share the space, and Zayn sat at the window sill. Which was a very Zayn thing to do.
Louis mind was awake before the rest of him. He reached down to where he had wedged his phone between the cushions, pulling it up to get a look at the time. He’d hoped he hadn’t slept the day away, but there was no telling. He also couldn’t hear anyone else, so he didn’t know if the other boys were still here. But someone was sleeping right next him, and he pressed into the warmth just a little, hoping they wouldn’t mind.
“Shhh…they’ll hear.” Harry’s voice comes in a loud whisper.
Louis didn’t move, but his ears perked up.
“Nah, they’re all asleep.” Niall’s voice replied, “None of them have moved for like 20 minutes. We’re okay.”
It went quiet again…and then Louis heard that sound. Kissing, soft breathing, giggles…he knew without turning around what was happening. It seemed like Harry and Niall had gotten closer than he expected.
“You’re being loud.” Harry said.
“Are not. Stop talking.” Niall said, following another kiss.
Liam was curled up on one side of the bed, and on the other side Harry was straddling Niall, one of his sheer button-ups hanging open, bent down and kissing the blonde boy with a generous amount of tongue like he was an ice cream. Niall’s hands tangled in Harry’s curls, so long now they fell and tickled his face, and kissing so so gently, as if he might break him.
“Hey…” Harry had switched positions so he was completely laying on top of Niall now, kissing and nipping at neck. Louis had angled himself just so he could peek at them, which he felt a bit creepy about, but it was hard not to. It wasn’t like two of his friends making out though, it was sort of like watching a film. Louis felt oddly disconnected from it. He had also realised now that it was Zayn who was sleeping next to him.
Harry however, was not tired at all anymore and was sliding down Niall’s torso and mouthing at his cloth-covered dick.
Now Louis had to wait…
~~~
The shows were magnificent. Australia was always a good crowd, they sang along loudly and brought some fantastic signs and threw funny things on stage. This time someone had thrown a hat shaped like a crocodile, and Liam chucked it on and started making “general Australian noises” that mostly consisted of the words ‘aw yeah mate’. Niall also attempted to make up a rap about Australia, while Harry stood behind and acted as his hype man. Louis laughed a lot during that show.
It was when they were leaving Melbourne that Louis again noticed Niall and Harry paling around. On their way to the bus, when Zayn came up behind him and slung an arm around his shoulder.
“What’s up Lou?”
“Nothing.” Louis smiled, shaking his head.
“Well it’s good to see you feel better.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m alright now. Just one of those days you know.”
“You want to follow Harry and Niall, or you want to come with me?” Zayn asked.
Louis didn’t know if he really wanted to get high tonight, not with the way he’d been feeling lately. But then maybe that was the best answer. And he always had a laugh with Zayn.
Louis replied by putting his arm around Zayn.
“Brilliant.” The older boy replied.
Louis was opting more for the alcohol tonight, chugging down a bottle and passing it to Zayn to have a swig in between hits of the joint he had, leaning back to rest his head on Zayn’s lap.
“Can we talk?” Louis asked.
“No. I’m not buzzed enough yet. Gimme a minute.”
“No, Zayn, really, I need to ask you something.” Louis said, tugging at Zayn’s shirt.
“Hold on.” Zayn leaned down as Louis parted his lips, breathing the hot smoke into his mouth. “Ok. Shoot.”
Louis had to catch his breath for a moment.
“Before you ask me, whatever it is, there’s actually something I need to get off my chest. It’s not really a secret or anything, but we weren’t sure what you guys would think so we’ve been keeping it under wraps. Um…” Zayn scratched at his neck, “I’ve been fucking around with Niall.”
Louis sat up, slowly.
“You…what?”
“Is it that shocking really? I don’t know. Joking around, just sort of happened once. And we liked it, so we kept doing it. It’s not as weird as I’d imagined.” Zayn laughed, “But then, its Niall innit? You’d let him suck your dick if he asked too, wouldn’t you?”
Would he? Louis asked himself. The thought didn’t repulse him, but didn’t exactly make him shiver with anticipation either. His body was more or less neutral on the idea. What did that mean?
“I guess… I would…maybe? But what about Harry?” Louis froze. Was Niall cheating on Harry? Or Zayn? What were the rules in their relationship? Was it a relationship? Louis was not out to be a home wrecker.
“Niall’s a big boy Lou, he can do what he wants.” Zayn said.
“Oh.” Louis relaxed a little then. Whatever it was, it seemed there was some sort of open policy. So three of their band members were fucking each other. Well, not Harry and Zayn, as far as Louis knew, but with the way things were going that could change at any time. And they still had months and months of tour left.
“Hey Zayn…can I kiss you?” Louis asked. Zayn’s eyebrows rose. “No, no, I’m not trying to…I’m just curious is all…”
“You want to see why everyone is jumping on the Zayn train?”
Louis rolled his eyes, “Never make that joke again.”
He wouldn’t, because quick as Louis’ heart could jump Zayn’s lips were on his. It was a good kiss Louis thought, as far as kisses went, warm and soft and not too forceful. Zayn holding to his neck to keep him there, but Louis felt he could stop whenever he wanted. He heard Zayn make a noise, they parted for a breath, and then Zayn dove right back to where he was. Louis yelped a little.
“Is this okay? Should I stop?” Zayn asked.
“No, no keep going.” Louis said, this time pulling Zayn into him. He deepened the kiss, hands grasping. Kissing Zayn was great, there was absolutely nothing bad about it. It made his pulse quicken, and his stomach flutter, he wanted to kiss him more.
But he felt so still inside.
~~~
Louis slept almost the whole way on the flight to Thailand. He started to stir awake, and could hear scuffling nearby, and then a soft moan, that sounded suspiciously like Zayn. Louis opened his eyes, letting them adjust to the light, the window visor at his seat pulled partway down. He turned and looked to the seat beside him, and indeed, it was Zayn, and someone under a blanket sucking him off by the way it seemed his eyes were going to roll back in his head. Louis couldn’t see anyone else from here, so he could only guess at who it was.
“Your idea?” Louis asked in a hushed tone.
“Kind of.” Zayn replied.
His pupils looked so dark, the way he looked at Louis, it was almost frightening, but it intrigued Louis in some way, like he wanted to be closer to it. He wanted to know who was downing Zayn’s cock because they seemed to be doing a marvelous job.
“Gonna come…fuck…Lou...” Zayn caught his breath reaching out across the aisle toward Louis, his fingers curling. Louis watched a moment, and then reached back, grasping Zayn’s hand. Zayn clutched at Louis’ arm, shutting his eyes as he rode out the body shocks, and came down the throat of the other. When he relaxed and his fingers loosened their grip, Louis pulled away, still watching. Zayn tucked himself back into his pants and did his jeans up, the blanket being tugged away to reveal Liam. His lips freshly wet and pink from the activities.
“Liam?”
Liam looked down at Louis, making to wipe his mouth, “Sleep well Tommo? I’ll go tell the others we’re landing.”
Louis looked back to Zayn who had started to search around for his sketchpad that he always kept nearby on long flights and whatever other trinkets he had carried on with him. Zayn turned back to see his friend still gawking at him.
“You so surprised?” Zayn asked.
“What happened to Niall?” Louis asked.
“Nothing. We’re still on. Liam was just there.” Zayn smirked, “I told you offers on the table.”
“No thanks.” Louis pulled his blanket tighter around himself. It wasn’t that he was uncomfortable. He didn’t hate the idea of sucking Zayn off, and that time they had made out was nice. But it was this voidance of feeling. Louis saw it on TV all the time. Passion. Desire. Two people who could barely keep their hands off each other pushing each other against furniture and sweaty writhing bodies. Louis was waiting for a spark of that. Kissing Zayn was like eating an ice cream. Enjoyable, but no one wanted to have sex with ice cream.
Maybe that’s what Eleanor had sensed.
Louis felt the plane touchdown, his seat shaking as the landed and he heard the gears grinding to a halt. Harry rushed back to grab his things as the door was opened, and the blinding sun beamed in.
~~~
Nowadays, they each got their own rooms. Often adjoining, because sometimes Niall got lonely or Harry had a nightmare or Zayn was homesick, and being able to go right into another room without the worry of security cameras was nice. This time Louis’ room was joined with Harry’s. Back when they first started touring, Louis was hardly without Harry. That’s when they were still figuring things out.
There was one thing the fans were always right now. Louis loved Harry. And Harry loved Louis. Maybe more than they had ever loved anyone. There was a connection between them and it was something they couldn’t explain. But after over a year of their loved-up behaviour, Louis had realised that what Harry wanted was not what he wanted. It wasn’t like they had broken up, for all accounts they were never really together. But there was a shift, and they whole fucking world could see. Louis didn’t want to make Harry think he was sending him signals, because yes, Louis knew the way he looked at him, the little touches, and the stolen glances. He’d dare anyone in close proximity to Harry to not gaze at him and go starry eyed.
And Harry, Harry did his best to not make Louis uncomfortable. It broke his heart. Louis told him time and again it wasn’t necessary, but Harry was a people-pleaser. Louis loved this new more confident Harry. He’d seen that in him all along.
It was midnight, their second night at this venue when Louis heard a soft knock at the adjoining door. He scooted out of bed, rolling his eyes.
When he opened the door, Harry stood there stripped down to his pants, clutching a pillow.
“You have a key Haz, why are you knocking?”
“Polite innit?”
Louis sighed, “You’re right. Come in then.”
Harry looked very pleased about getting this invitation.
Louis let his eyes scan over his friend for a moment. The tall lean form, nice biceps, and back muscles, but not too much. He still had the tiniest bit of tummy and thighs you could probably get a nice handful of. Harry turned around, catching Louis mid-stare.
“What are you doing? Are you sizing me up?” Harry asked with a grin.
“No!” Louis scoffed, sure his face was turning red. “Look did you come in here to cuddle or not because you look really cute and I want to cuddle you, like, fucking hard.”
“You know the way to a boy’s heart Lou.”
The blankets on the bed were pulled back, and Louis more or less flopped down, spreading his arms out as if he were claiming his space. Harry had a different approach, pulling his side of the duvet back and climbing in, nestling down into the strange feel of a hotel bed, his own pillow providing a comfort.
“You good?” Louis asked.
“Yeah.”
“Well…scoot closer then.”
Louis knew the look on Harry’s face so well, could tell when he felt shy. Like they were teenagers again, cuddling in the X-Factor and listening to all the teasing jabs from the other contestants. He opened his arms and it was the perfect place for Harry to fit, tucked into Louis side, with Harry’s hair that was nearly in tendrils tickling at Louis’ bare skin. The older boy hugged him tightly.
“This. This is good.” Harry said, squeezing across Louis’ middle with his one hand.
“It is good.” Louis agreed.
There was a hush, and it would’ve been easy to fall asleep just like that. But Louis’ mind was toying with him again lately. Weighing down his thoughts. While he had Harry here, alone, which was a rare thing for them anymore.
“Hey Haz can I ask a question?” Louis proposed.
“Hmm?” Harry mumbled a sleepy reply.
“So…what’s the deal with you and Niall?”
Louis felt Harry tense up, but he didn’t move. They both just lay there for a moment.
“There’s no…deal.”
“Harry, I saw.”
Harry moved away then, sitting up to look down at Louis.
“You saw what?”
“Saw…heard…whatever. In Melbourne that day in the hotel. I wasn’t like spying or anything, I just woke up and you guys were…and then, Zayn told me.”
“Told you what?”
“About him and Niall, and you, and I caught him once…with Liam. I don’t know how many different ways it goes.”
“Liam and Niall too. Zayn and I don’t really…but sometimes you know…if he’s there.” Harry looked down now, almost as if he were embarrassed. “But it’s not complete. Not until…” Harry gestured toward Louis, sat in the middle of his big fluffy duvet, fringe flopped down into his face. “We never meant to leave you out.”
“Harry will you do me a favour?” Louis asked.
“Anything.”
“Kiss me. But nothing else.”
“You sure?”
Louis thought about it a moment. He didn’t want to have sex with Harry. Or any of them. He wasn’t sure he wanted to have sex with anyone. But he wanted that feeling that came with a kiss, like someone had crawled into your shadow to be near you and they got as close as they could possibly get and somehow it felt more real to Louis than sex ever had.
“I’m certain.”
It was all the permission Harry needed.
~~~
The other boys noticed Louis’ sudden influx of cuddles. Anytime he could, it seemed he wedged his way against someone’s back, into a lap, one of them was always holding his hand or petting his hair, letting him fall asleep next to them. They were only doing one show a night in several places in Europe, so they had been driving a lot and it seemed every day one or another of the boys would crawl into Louis’ bunk with him. They had almost created a rotating schedule. And while one of them kept Louis company, the others carried on this arrangement they had. Who knew what to call it? It was just enjoyable sex with a friend…if that was a thing.
This night they were all on the couch in the back of the bus. Niall between Liam and Harry, Louis between Harry and Zayn. Harry was starting to nod off before the film even started.
Louis was clinging to him. Zayn noticed.
“You alright Lou?” He asked, gently rubbing the other boy’s back.
“Yeah. Ok.”
Zayn moved closer just in case.
The other boys seemed engaged in the film as they watched. Laughing at parts, making remarks to one another, all except Louis, who was uncharacteristically quiet through the whole thing. Zayn squeezed his arm.
“Are you really ok?”
“Hmmm…yeah.” Louis unfolded himself from Harry’s arms, “I think I’m going to turn in.”
“Oh?” Niall perked up, “You want one of us to come with you? Me? I’ll come.”
“No, it’s okay Nialler. You lot finish the film. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Louis left the others, climbing into his bunk, drawing the curtain around him. He pulled his phone out to post something to twitter, and ended up staring at the screen for the longest time. Finally he settled on a simple tweet. “Quiet in bed” It was barely a tweet worth sending really. He just wanted to remind the world that he was here.
The curtains shuffled and pulled back, and Niall was there peering in.
“Niall I told you…”
“I know.” Niall went ahead and pulled himself the rest of the way into the bunk, “But I came anyway. I was worried.”
“You don’t need to be. I’m just going to bed. Go on.”
“Louis you’ve been way to quiet lately. For Louis. You’re always loud. Did you know that? It’s like a trademark. When you’re not loud you’re either sad or sick. So which is it?”
“Neither. Or both. I’m not sure.”
Niall leaned back on his heels, watching his friend, “Why won’t you tell me?”
“Because I don’t know what it is I need to tell.” Louis exclaimed, still keeping his voice low. “I just…” He sighed, pulling his phone out again. Niall waited and watched as Louis pushed buttons, tapped at his keyboard, and then finally handed him the phone. “Read it. I’ve been looking over it for a while now and I just…”
Niall glanced down at the title of the webpage Louis had pulled up. How Do I Know If I’m Asexual?
“You think you’re….?” Niall started the question, but stopped as he noticed Louis’ eyes.
“I think. I don’t know. Some of it sounds like me. Some of it doesn’t. Like I’ve had sex before, and I didn’t hate it. It was fine. Wasn’t as mind blowing as I expected but then I thought that’s just what films want you to think. I thought everyone was having ‘fine’ sex. But then I’d hear other people talk, you guys, and everyone else seemed so much more enthused with it. I thought maybe I was gay but I…”
“Did you ever fuck Harry?” Niall interrupted.
Louis chuckled, like he knew that question was coming. “A few times. But it wasn’t….like…I knew he always wanted more than I could give him.”
“And this?” Niall asked, holding up the phone.
“After I found out about the thing you guys had going on, I was jealous. But not of the sex. Of the attention. I didn’t care about the sex. I just wanted someone to sort of…coddle me. Some day? I feel like I keep a lot of shit together, and you guys pulling some romance novel level moves on days like that, sounds so good.”
“But you don’t want sex?”
Louis shook his head, “I don’t.” he took a deep breath, “I think I’m asexual Niall.”
Niall reached over to pull Louis into a hug.
~~~
Niall was the worst at keeping secrets. Back in the early days, it was his lovey-dovey eyes at Louis and Harry that so many fans caught on too. Now, Niall had a secret a different kind, but it wouldn’t be one for long if he didn’t keep smiling at him in this way.
Louis pulled aside as they were only about 20 minutes away from their show tonight, a screaming crowd heard just beyond the curtains.
“Will you stop?” Louis said it sternly, but smiling, “You’re looking at me like I’m pregnant or something, it’s creepy.”
“Well you do have that special glow.” Niall laughed, “Do asexuals glow?”
“Shhh…” Louis hushed him.
“You are going to tell the others right? You said you were.”
“Yes, I am, I just need time, ok Nialler?”
“Ok. Smash it tonight.” He held his hand up for a fist bump, and Louis shook his head as he returned the gesture.
The lights were dimmed, all of them gathered for their usual backstage huddle, Zayn smacked Harry’s ass, and everyone was good to go. The music started and Louis strutted out on stage like he always did, hearing the room explode into cheers when he came in view.
“Hello Pittsburgh!” Harry shouted, “Are you ready to have a good time?”
The crowd screamed in response, and the chords to Steal My Girl kicked off. They were going to be on fire tonight.
Throughout the show as Louis chatted up the boys, jumped around, and made that face he made at cameras he spotted, he couldn’t help but also wonder about the people he was performing for. The fans crossed his mind often, but not usually while he was on stage. He tended to go into performer zone. But now he wondered, did anyone out there feel the way he did? Would knowing that he was asexual help them feel better about themselves? Louis had to remind himself on more than one occasion that it wasn’t his responsibility to look after everyone, the boys told him that too, but that’s who Louis was. Always the big brother.
Tonight when Harry spat his water into the air, he took another drink right after, turned and with a mischievous gleam in his eyes, spit a tiny stream directly at Liam’s face. Liam stayed stoic but the crowd went nuts, and Niall laughed.
“That was amazing. Do it again.” Niall urged.
“Don’t do it again.” Liam said, “I’ll have your tail Hazza.”
Harry had to bite his tongue for that one.
The rest of the show went off perfectly. And when it came time to get off stage, there were five very loud boys running through the backstage of the stadium area, being hurried to the buses. They were all so on tonight, everyone piled onto Bus 1.
Harry collapsed onto the couch, Niall following him. Louis curled up by the window, and Zayn joined him closely, while Liam stayed standing.
“Sit down Li.” Zayn said.
“Can’t. Too much energy still.” Liam replied.
“Could put that to good use.” Niall smirked.
“Now? There are people here?”
“Gee thanks Liam. Nice to know we’re special.” Harry said in his sarcastic tone.
Niall jumped and kissed Liam hard, causing him to topple a bit.
“Come on. Do something. Wank me off. I’m so jittery like I could really use it.”
Liam looked around at the others, like he was waiting for someone to protest. Harry looked all too eager, and Zayn had already lit up a joint and passed it to Louis, whose head was resting on Zayn’s shoulder.
“No one’s stopping you.” Niall teased biting at his lower lip, “Come on Payno.”
Liam took the bait, kissing Niall back forcefully, pushing him back toward the couch. Harry moved as Niall stumbled from his feet, Liam following as their lips barely parted. He continued to kiss down the line of Niall’s jawline and neck, listening to the noises he made.
“S’good Liam…”
“Shhh…did I say you could talk?” Liam palmed at Niall’s soft cock through the fabric, eliciting a soft moan from the blonde boy. “Everyone’s looking at you right now. Does that get you hard Niall? Knowing they’re watching.”
Niall didn’t speak, just nodded. Liam let the tip of his thumb drag down over Niall’s lips.
“That’s good. So good for me aren’t you?"
Harry was on one side watching Niall’s face so intently, almost as if he were studying it. While Louis and Zayn were curled up in the corner, Louis taking hits off the joint as he leaned against Zayn’s shoulder.
Liam unzipped Niall’s jeans, reaching a hand into his pants to wrap around his cock, bending down to mouth hotly at him through the fabric. Niall’s head lulled back at the sensation, feeling himself thickening up. Liam kept on with slow strokes, Niall making tiny whimpers. Harry was tempted to palm at his cock, but that felt a bit wrong and he was so involved in just watching.
“Niall’s pretty when he’s all blissed out, isn’t he Lou?” Zayn asked.
“Yeah.” Louis replied.
He was pretty. Eyes glossy and face flushed and beading sweat, it fascinated Louis in some way he couldn’t explain. He kept being witness to his friend in their most vulnerable moments. He couldn’t believe they trusted him this much.
Niall’ cock was out and fully hard by now. Liam had tugged his pants all the way down so they hung at his ankles and now he had to room to really get himself between Niall’s thighs and see to him properly. He licked tentatively at the slit, and watched Niall’s whole body shiver.
“Fuck, get your mouth on me Liam I swear…”
“You swear what?” Just for that, Liam stroked him a bit more, kissing around his thighs, nipping at the skin there. From his spot, Harry looked up, across the room at Louis. Their eyes met, and then Louis looked down. Harry’s cock was also pushing at his jeans now, but he still hadn’t touched himself. Louis nudged Zayn in the side.
“Harry looks like he could use some help. Why don’t you um…lend a hand for lack of better phrasing, and I’ll see to Niall.”
Louis peeled himself away from Zayn and crawled the short distance over to Liam and Niall. Niall watched him, unsure of what he was doing. Liam had taken him all the way in his mouth now, making noises in his throat, sucking at his cock like it was the best thing he’d ever tasted. Louis noted how dark Niall’s eyes had gone as he got closer.
“What’re you…Lou…you don’t have too…” Niall tried to speak through the sensations flowing through his body.
“Don’t worry.” Louis scooted up behind him, taking his hands, “I’m not doing anything I don’t want to do.” Niall realised what Louis’ intention was, and so he let himself fully relax into Louis’ lap, safely holding his hands and let Liam keep on. Zayn was doing just as Louis intended and was beside Harry wanking him almost in time with Liam.
“Are you thinking about what Liam’s mouth feels like?” Zayn whispered into Harry’s ear, “I’ve had him, and I promise you Haz, it feels so good.”
Harry moaned loudly.
“Damn Haz, you alright over there?” Louis asked.
“Yeah..I just need to…come…fuck…” Harry turned to meet Zayn’s eyes and they kissed, Harry shuddering through his orgasm. He came quicker than he wanted, but the feeling of Zayn’s fingers working over him and watching Liam with his lips wrapped around Niall’s dick and Louis’ reassuring words all made the perfect combination, sent him over that edge.
Niall was still there, barely clinging.
Louis tightened his grip.
“I can tell you’re close Nialler. Such a good boy for us. Isn’t he Liam?”
Liam pulled off, the tiniest bit of cum dripping from his lips, “So good.” He said and kept on.
“Yes Liam, yes Liam, fuck yes…yes!” Niall gasped far too loudly as he came and the driver probably, definitely heard, but by now he’d probably heard a lot of things. Niall held Louis’ hands as his come hit Liam’s t-shirt, and Liam knelt to lap up the tiniest bit that clung to Niall’s skin. Niall nearly yelped again just at that.
“Ok, enough, let me catch my breath.”
Niall rolled over to put his face into Louis’ lap and Louis patted his hair.
Liam stood up, looking all too smug.
“Your shirt.” Zayn muttered.
“Oh. Oops.” Liam looked down at the black shirt, streaked with the sticky white mess. “Better clean up. Coming with Nialler?”
“Yeah, I should.” Niall pushed himself to his feet, “But we’re only cleaning up. If you try anything I swear…”
“There you go swearing again.” Liam draped an arm across Niall’s shoulders, patting his friend’s back.
Harry yawned loudly and Louis looked over at him.
“Sleepy?”
Harry nodded, “Ready for bed. But don’t want to get up.”
“Well we could sleep here.”
Harry looked amused, “You and me?”
“Or all of us. There’s room.”
“Sounds nice.” Zayn agreed.
“And you know I’m a pro-cuddler Harry. Come on.”
Louis grabbed a pillow, though these were not really meant for sleeping on, and fluffed it best he could. Harry quickly pulled off his cum-stained jeans and t-shirt, and moved over and into Louis’ space and Louis hugged him close, head on Harry’s chest. Zayn got up behind Louis and let an arm rest across his stomach. It was silent for a full minute.
“What are you doing?” Niall asked.
He and Liam stood looking down at their three bandmates, curled up together like baby possums.
“Are you joining?” Louis asked.
“I’m in.” Niall crawled up, looking at the space between Zayn and Louis, and Harry and Louis. In the meantime Liam had nestled behind Liam, face buried in the other boy’s neck where he kissed softly. His question answered, Niall went to wedge between Harry and Louis.
“Hey!” Harry protested.
“Sorry Harry I just…I really want to be by Louis, please?”
Harry wanted the spot by Louis. But he chalked it up to the fact that Louis had just held Niall’s hands through his orgasm and it was probably some special intimate thing he felt now, afterglow or something like that, so it made sense he would want to be next to Louis. So Harry complied.
Louis smile as Niall snuggled up close, like he knew this was the best place to be. Harry curled up on the other side of Niall, still reaching across for Louis. Louis let a hand reach out as well, finding Harry’s fingers, and lacing them into his own.
~~~
No one brought up the incident the other night. They had woken up still tangled together, and at some point during the night, Liam had left to his own bed. Zayn followed, then Niall, until Louis woke up with Harry completely wrapped around him like a tall sexy Octopus.
No one asked questions or tried to piece together what exactly had happened, and no one asked Louis why he made no mention of someone getting him off. It wasn’t like he didn’t get off. Probably not as often as the others, he had heard them in their bunks far too many times. He knew what Zayn sounded like when he was trying not to be loud, or how Harry would grip the sides of his bunk under the curtains and all you would see would be the knuckles of his fingers slowly going whiter. Louis took care of himself when he felt the need, but it wasn’t like some compulsion he had.
There was another piece of this asexuality puzzle. Louis wasn’t sure if he was sort of ashamed, or if he wanted to spare the others from being ashamed. He didn’t want them to treat him differently or to think they should tone down their own sex lives for him. Louis just wanted all of them to be happy.
He should’ve sensed it was coming really. This time it was after the show in Chicago and once again they had hurried back to the bus, and they all piled on to the same bus again. Bus 2. Louis found himself a comfy spot on the floor and pulled several pillows down and scattered them around him, like a nest.
“Let’s build a fort.” Harry suggested.
“Yeah! Let’s! Here, pull the blankets off your bunk Zayn.” Niall encouraged, climbing up to his own bunk to grab the sheets down.
“No. Leave mine alone.”
“Fine. You’re not allowed in the fort then.”
Harry and Niall continued to gather their fort building materials, stretching Harry’s duvet up to tuck it into the sides of Niall’s bunk, while Niall let his blanket hang down, creating a lean-to effect.
“You want in the fort Louis?” Harry asked.
Louis smiled at them, “I’m alright here Haz, thanks.”
Harry ducked to go inside their blanket creation, found he was too tall to stand upright, and promptly sat on the floor. “Feels like a sleepover.”
Louis giggled, Liam just shook his head.
“I do love you Harry, really I do.” He said with a grin.
“Thanks very much Liam.” Harry returned, “I love you too.”
They were quiet tonight. Louis found himself looking between them, everyone sort of adrift in their own world. He didn’t know why he felt it was the time, but it felt like the right time.
“I’m asexual.”
Louis looked up through his fringe. The silence suddenly seemed to crowd around him as he waited for their response. He looked to Niall first, who was just watching him with a look that at first Louis worried might be pity. But that wasn’t Niall, no, Niall was the one who kept them going. Louis figured it was more he was proud.
“Oh.” Came Zayn’s uncertain response.
“Um…” Liam spoke up, “I don’t think I know what that means.”
Louis sighed, this wasn’t unexpected. “It means I don’t feel sexual attraction. Like…I don’t really like sex because it doesn’t do anything for me. Sort of luke-warm.”
“Oh…”
“Louis, did we make you uncomfortable the other week with what happened?” Harry asked. He had his knees up against his chest and his arms wrapped around them, his puppy eyes wide and concerned.
“No. I like seeing you guys like that. I like that you trust me. And…” Louis looked down, as he felt he was blushing, “I appreciated that you didn’t make me feel like I had to participate but you still made me feel included. That really made me happy.”
“As long you’re happy with yourself Lou, that’s what matters.” Zayn said.
“I think I’m learning to be.” Louis answered.
“So like…” Harry started again, “You’d tell us if we ever did anything you didn’t like right?”
Louis nodded, “I’ll tell you.”
“But you still like it when we kiss you yeah?” Zayn asked.
“Yes.” Louis was sure his face was beet-red by now, “I like kissing very much.”
The other boys’ eyes shifted to Niall, who was just sat beaming like a proud dad the whole time.
“What’s with you?” Zayn asked.
“Oh…I uh…well, Louis had already come out to me a while back.” Niall said with a sheepish grin.
“Before us?” Liam asked.
“I didn’t mean to, he was just there.” Louis said.
“Thanks Lou. Make a guy feel special.” Niall frowned, sarcastically giving an eye-roll.
“Does being asexual make you really blunt?” Liam asked.
“That would explain a lot.” Harry retorted.
“Hey!” Louis mocked a pouty face.
The boys all laughed, and Louis felt that stupid warm fuzzy feeling in his chest. Zayn moved closer to him and draped an arm around his shoulders, squeezing tight. Louis nestled in for a little cuddle.
“You’ll be patient with us yeah?” Zayn asked.
“If you’ll be patient with me.” Louis answered.
Zayn wrapped his arms tighter around the smaller boy, “You know Lou, you’re not some problem to be solved. You need to stop acting like it. You’re completely fine.”
“We all are. Right lads?” Niall looked for reassurance, and the others muttered their agreements.
“We’re still figuring things out same as you.” Liam said.
“Not that we’re trying to compare. Not a competition.” Harry stated.
They heard the bus stop, and their driver yelled back that they had reached the hotel. Harry and Niall pulled themselves away from their make shift fort, everyone gathering up their few belongings and filing out to go up to their rooms.
Louis slept alone that night. But it was his own choice.
~~~
Louis suddenly found himself bombarded with kisses. Slow kisses and chaste kisses and giggly kisses and he felt so loved and safe with the other boys. Their shows were more on point than ever. The tweets and posts online seemed to be full of even happier fans than usual. The photos people posted usually showing all of the boys smiling and playful.
Idk is it just me or are all the 1D boys really smiley lately? Esp @louis_tomlinson-@1Dgirlalmighty
BEST SHOW TONIGHT!!! @louis_tomlinson-@horan4you
@louis_tomlinson was smiling all night. What’s that about???-@harryslittlewhitelie
Louis beamed as he scrolled through his mentions, most mentioning how much they had enjoyed the show or how cute and happy he seemed. Louis liked that other people could see his happiness. If they only knew why.
“What are you so happy about?” Zayn asked, catching his grin.
“Everything.” Louis leaned back in his chair, looking up at Zayn, hand coming down to caress Louis’ cheek.
“Stay that way. I’m going to shower.” Zayn gathered up his towel and bathroom accoutrements, walking in and shutting the door behind him.
It was moments later when Harry tiptoed in, shushing Louis when he looked up and saw him slyly sneaking into the bathroom. Louis shook his head bemusingly. Niall followed in after, and Louis felt warm arms snake around his neck and breath at his ear.
“Hi.” Niall greeted him.
“Hello yourself Blondie.”
Louis happily welcomed one of Niall’s kisses.
“Harry went in with Zayn didn’t he?”
“Yep.”
“Figures.”
“You wanted a turn?” Louis asked, all the while Niall clinging to him, turning his chair back and forth.
“Nah…like being here with you. Get in bed, let’s snuggle. Bring the laptop, I’ve got some fan comments I have to show you.”
To that Louis willingly followed.
Elsewhere, Harry was stood in a foggy bathroom, listening to the slosh of water and the just-visible outline of Zayn’s body, curves all the way down. He stood at the mirror and drew a cat face and a small heart, writing ‘H’ next to it. Then he tapped on the wall.
“Harry?” Zayn’s voice came.
“How’d you know it was me?” Harry asked.
“Instinct.” Zayn poked his head out the curtain, “Well? Coming in?”
Harry shed his clothes in a minute, shaking his hair out and climbing in the shower behind Zayn, sliding right up to his wet slick body. Zayn turned around, hands to Harry’s face and Harry sucked a finger between his lips, slow, eyes locked on Zayn’s.
“Fuck you.” Zayn said grinning. He knew exactly what Harry was up too, and so did his dick.
“You first.” Harry replied with a cheeky grin.
Zayn grabbed Harry’s arm, pulling him in close, kissing over his jawline and back to those plush lips. Harry’s hands were everywhere, but Zayn smacked them away.
“Did you ask?”
“No, but I….”
“Harry…what have I told you? You have to ask. Now…do you want me to fuck you?” Harry moaned the tiniest bit, “Or…” Zayn continued, “Do you want to suck my cock? God knows you’re so good at it.” Harry nodded, “Want to show me?”
“Yes can I please?”
Harry knelt down in front of Zayn, cock half-hard, rested against his thigh, water dripping down into every crevice and Harry wanted to chase and lick all the tiny droplets away. He leaned in and placed a kiss to the hollow of Zayn’s hips, feeling Zayn’s fingers card soothingly through his hair. He tilted into, softly mewling like a cat, and Zayn watched through hooded eyelids.
“There you are….go on.” He encouraged.
Harry’s pert pink lips looked like artwork on Zayn’s dick. Harry fluttered his eyes closed, sliding down the length of Zayn, his hands making up the slack. Harry went slow and teasingly, loving the tug of Zayn’s hand entwined in his curls. Harry moaned low in his throat, and Zayn swore it made him vibrate from his core.
Harry looked up to see Zayn tilt his head back into the water and shake off the droplets. He nearly came right there.
Niall and Louis were intently watching the door, pulled up in the bed, Niall’s arm slung loose around Louis’ shoulder.
“Can you hear anything?” Niall asked.
“Nope. Just water.”
“You want to listen?”
“Not really.”
“Oh come on then.” Niall tugged at Louis’ arm, crawling toward the end of the bed.
Louis grabbed at Niall’s ankle, pulling him backward
“Niall! We can’t do that!” Louis shouted in a whisper.
“Why not? If the shower was bigger you and I’d both be in there. Well…I’d be in there. You’d be like one of those Greek statues in a bath house, holding our towels.”
“Hey!” Louis shoved his leg away, “I’m not your towel holder!” He laughed. Niall flopped down on the bed in defeat, rolling over and looking up to Louis over him. “You’re such a fuck head.”
Niall giggled, “Love you too Tommo.”
Inside the bathroom, the water sloshed as Harry knelt on the tub floor as Zayn fucked his throat. Harry moaned hotly around his cock, gasping for air when the orgasm hit, pulling off for sticky white stripes to paint his chest, and Zayn mouthing breathy silences at the air.
“Damn it…” Zayn panted, “You’ve been practicing.”
“Was I good?” Harry asked.
“Very. Now, stand up, let’s see you.”
Harry got to his feet slowly, head bowed, bashfully wiping at his lips. Zayn grabbed his hand away and Harry looked up, his eyes still dark.
“You’re so pretty Haz.”
Zayn took Harry’s face between his hands, pressing their mouths together, flavours of himself still lingering on Harry’s lips.
“So fucking pretty.”
Harry was turned around and pushed back into the shower stream, getting drenched. Zayn’s mouth was still moulded to his own, hi fingers digging into fleshy bits and leaving tender bruises.
Outside the bathroom door, Louis and Niall were cuddled up and snoring.
~~~
The boys had a few well deserved weeks off for a break back home before they would finish up the tour in the UK and Ireland. Louis felt nervous walking up the path to his Mum’s house, his fingers clutching at his duffle letting it weight his feet down. The windows were open, and he could already hear the delighted screams and laughter of his siblings. He’d barely made it to the door when Daisy spotted him.
“Louis! It’s Louis!” She shrieked, bolting out the door and jumping into his arms. He dropped his belongings to hug her tiny frame, his heart melting into the shape of her. Phoebe was on him just as quick, both of them squealing happily. Fizzy calmly wandered up to put her arms out and she was pulled in close and he kissed her forehead, marveling at how grown she was starting to look. Lottie lingered at the back, the last to see him as Lou was schooling her in hair and makeup and she had joined them a bit at the start of the tour. She finally came to bury her nose in Louis’ hair, smiling at the familiar scent of him.
When they parted, Louis looked back to Jay, stood in the doorway somehow holding both the twins, which was probably some superwoman Mum thing, he thought. Fizzy and Lottie each took the twins so she could hug him, always beaming with pride for her eldest and the things he had accomplished for himself, and then he grabbed Ernest from Fizzy and lifted his little brother up high.
“Hello little mate. Haven’t you grown.” Louis cooed at Ernest.
“Mum shows them pictures of you.” Fizzy said, smiling in a way that she looked exactly like Jay, which Louis marveled at. “So they’ll know who you are. She talks about you all the time, and tells them stories.”
“Mum…I’m not anything special.”
“Shush, yes you are.” Jay pulled him in again, Louis still hugging Ernest. “Come inside then, the girls have been helping with dinner and I think everyone is ready to eat.”
“We made your favourite.” Phoebe said, grasping Louis’ hand.
“You didn’t have too.”
“It’s alright.” Lottie chimed, “You’re the one doing the washing up.”
A wave of girl giggling flooded Louis’ ears, and that truly felt like home.
The youngest ones were tucked into bed right after dinner, and after Louis had helped Lottie put the babies down, he returned to the kitchen where Fizzy was drying dishes with Jay.
“Alright Fizz, hand me the towel.”
“You don’t actually have too.” Fizzy laughed, “We were teasing you know.”
“I’m lending a hand, come off it! I need to have a conversation with Mum anyway.”
“Oh? One of those is it? Alright then.” Fizzy flung the dish towel at him, giving him a smile and kissing his cheek as she walked by, “Good to have you home Lou.”
Louis tentatively stood next to Jay as he grabbed a plate for drying.
“Alright, what’s this about? Trouble with the boys?”
“What? No. No not at all. We’re great, everything’s great.” Louis whipped, sure his eyes were wide and nervous more than he should be. “It’s…um…it’s about me actually. And if you could not, mention this to the kids…”
“I’m your mother Louis. Strictest confidence, you know that.”
Louis took a deep breath.
“Big deal?” Jay asked, a hand on her hip. “Do we need to sit down for this?”
Louis shook his head, “No no, it’s not really…well I mean…it sort of is...” He sighed, “I’m getting ahead of myself. Mum…I’m asexual.”
Louis bit at his lip waiting for the reaction. Jay just seemed to stand there for a moment, taking in his statement, her hand slowly coming up to cover her mouth. Louis put his hands behind his back, looking down at the floor, and then back up at his mother’s face.
“Could you say something?”
“Don’t really know what to say.” Jay replied, “Asexual? I’ve heard the word Lou but I don’t really understand it.”
“It means I’m not sexually attracted to anyone.”
“Not anyone? But…you and Eleanor were dating for…”
“Dating Mum. Dating doesn’t mean…you know.”
“I do support you in anything you want to do Louis, you know that, but it just sounds like a very lonely life. Aren’t you meant to fall in love?”
“Sex isn’t love Mum. I can fall in love. I still want all those other things. The only thing I don’t want is sex. And I’m not lonely. I’m really happy in fact. I want you to know that.”
“Well that’s good…I guess…as long as you’re happy. I do worry about you Louis.” Jay’s lips pouted and she held her arms out, Louis moving into the hug. “Just be safe. You know not everyone accepts this sort of thing.”
“I’m being safe Mum I promise. I’ve got lots of people looking after me.” Louis said, his Mum’s small hands ruffling through his hair. He stepped back to smile at her as she cupped his face.
“Maybe someday I’ll be able to better understand. But your happiness is what’s most important, so, I’ve got your back.”
“Thanks Mum.” He hugged her tightly again.
~~~
“Harold!” Louis flung his arms around the curly-haired boy, grinning ear to ear, Harry returning the embrace tightly as he eeked out a happy squeal into Louis’ ear, practically lifting him off the floor as he held on. “Fucking missed your stupid lovely face.”
“How did things go with your mum then?” Harry asked, releasing his grip and smoothing out the stray bits of hair that fell loose from the headband he was wearing. He tugged at his own shirt nervously. He’d been worried about Louis the whole time they’d been apart. They’d barely texted.
“Good. Better than I expected.” Louis hand, shuffling hands into his pockets.
“But not…?”
“It was something she said. She said, ‘what about falling in love?’ and I told her it wasn’t the same thing, I brushed it off, but then I kept thinking about. What you and the other boys have…isn’t it more than what you have with me?”
“Are you seriously asking if we love you less because you’re asexual?”
Louis didn’t answer, just slowly looked up at Harry through lidded lashes, cheeks blushed and bashful.
“You’re the stupid one.” Harry shook his head, pulling Louis in to kiss him, hands buried in his hair. “You’re so so stupid Louis.” Harry kissed him fully, capturing Louis’ mouth, nipping and sucking at his lips so that Louis whimpered into his mouth. “Every time you think that, I promise one of us will remind you that you’re wrong.”
Harry gripped the sides of Louis’ face as the older boy stared at him, a soft blink, picking out all the colours of his eyes and the freckles on his cheeks, and he smiled.
“Hey. What did we miss?”
Louis’ perked up at Liam’s voice, both of them turning to see his happy smiling face.
“What’s up lads?”
There were hugs all around, more as Zayn and Niall also filed in and joined the group, laughter and kisses and recounting the weeks they had been apart. It got quiet once Lou showed up and started pulling them one by one into a chair for their hair styling and Caroline dragged them away to find their outfits, but as soon as they were sent out on stage it was a free for all of energy combusting all over the stage. Louis was like a firecracker. He nearly let Niall swoop him up during ‘Midnight Memories’, forgetting himself momentarily. There were would be posts on Tumblr saying how they ‘swore Louis and Niall almost kissed once’. They wouldn’t be wrong.
~~~
After the show that night, they had all gone back to Liam’s for a boy’s night in, doing their fair share of drinking. They were all sat around now, draped over each other watching a film. Harry was the first to start yawning.
“ I called it!” Niall piped up.
“Called what?” Harry asked through his yawn.
“I said you’d fall asleep first. You always do.” Niall said, his head resting on Liam’s thigh as he peered over at his bandmate.
“Mm’not asleep yet. Just yawning. Not a crime to yawn.” Harry yawned again.
“Maybe you should go to bed Haz.” Louis said, giving Harry’s curls a playful ruffle.
“Aww but I like the film.” Harry pouted.
“I’ll go to bed with you. We can have a cuddle if you like.” Niall offered.
“Ok.”
And so Harry and Niall went off together to the spare bedroom, followed shortly after by Liam who dragged himself up and mumbled goodnight in Zayn and Louis’ direction without another word. Louis and Zayn sat in silence, immersed in the film. Zayn was still drinking, a bottle of something Louis forgot the name of, but Louis knew he was definitely the more sober of the two of them. He patted Zayn’s leg affectionately. When the film ended, Louis stretched out, looking over to his friend.
“I missed you, you know” Louis said. Zayn just smiled back in his direction. “It’s nearly 5am. How drunk are you?”
“Mmfine.” Zayn said, stumbling a bit as he moved to stand up.
“You should get some sleep.”
Louis stood, hugging Zayn, but Zayn was quiet. Louis humming absentmindedly as he leaned against his friend with happy contentment.
“Lou, can I kiss you?”
“Oh?” Louis exclaimed, a bit surprised, “Yeah alright.” Louis puckered up, placing a playful kiss to Zayn’s lips and going to move away. But Zayn held him there a bit longer than he anticipated, it made him a bit uncomfortable. He tapped at Zayn’s shoulder and let go. “Easy mate, not so rough okay?”
Zayn didn’t ask this time, just pushed forward and kissed Louis, grabbing his shoulders, trying to push his tongue into Louis’ mouth. Louis whimpered and pulled back.
“Zayn! Ease up will you?!”
Zayn didn’t ask this time, just pushed Louis back onto the couch, his hand down against Louis’ crotch, eliciting a gasp from his friend as Zayn’s palm rubbed over him through his pajama bottoms. Louis looked up uncertainly, moving to push Zayn’s hand away.
“What are you doing?”
“I just want to fuck you once Lou.” Zayn said in a heated breath, “Just once. I’ve been thinking about it for months, ever since that first time in the van. I know you’re not into sex but couldn’t I be your exception…Louis…” Zayn was moments from shoving his hand down Louis’ trousers, and Louis felt his whole body tense up, Zayn’s lips wetly pressed against his neck.
“Zayn, stop.”
“It still feels good Lou.”
“But I don’t want too.”
“Louis…”
“Get off!” Louis pushed away with his knees, moving further back onto the couch and pulling his pajamas up. He panted heavily as his heart shook a bit inside his chest. His shouting had woken the other boys, and he looked up to see Harry and Liam standing in the doorway, and Zayn still in front of him, hair mussed and looking confused.
“You ok Lou?” Liam asked. He looked at his friend, timidly scrunched into a ball on the couch, and then to Zayn. “What happened?”
Both Louis and Zayn were quiet, avoiding eye contact with each other, and with Liam. Liam and Harry looked to each other, but neither of them knew what was going on.
“Harry is there space in the bed for me?” Louis asked in a soft voice.
“Yeah, we could fit…”
Louis didn’t even let Harry finish before he was up and walked past him into the bedroom, saying nothing to anyone. Harry watched him go by, then looking to Zayn for answers. Zayn sat down on the now vacant couch, reaching for the blanket.
“I’ll um…I’ll go check on him. Good night guys.” Harry pittered off, still confused. Liam started to follow, but before he did he turned back to Zayn again, his head down.
“You don’t touch him you know.” Liam said in a serious tone.
“I didn’t.”
“Not what I heard.” Liam frowned.
“If you heard why are you asking?”
“I’m serious Zayn. You do anything like that again, and I will make sure you stop.”
Liam walked away then, taking all the heat in the room with him. The blanket left still smelled like Louis, and made Zayn’s head hurt a little as he hugged it around himself, alone in a house with his four best friends.
~~~
The next day, Zayn had left by the time Louis got up. Once again, the actions of the previous night went unmentioned, which Louis figured was probably unhealthy, but he didn’t want to create tension in the group right now right when they had come back. He could speak to Zayn in private later. Unfortunately Zayn decided the time to do that would be right before they went on stage.
“Louis I am so sorry.” Zayn’s face was sad, his tone soft. “I’d been drinking and I just…I was being stupid I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it.”
“Yes you did.” Louis replied, trying to follow Harry down the corridor. “I know you Zayn. I’ve told you all my secrets. I spent hours on a bus with you, booked in miles of airline time, and I know what you look like when you’re getting fucked. But that’s where the similarities end.” He took a deep breath, “Sorry to disappoint you."
Zayn shook his head, “Stop it. You’re not a disappointment. I was a dickhead.”
“Yes you were.” Louis wouldn’t even turn around, walking into the area right behind the stage and putting in his in-ears. He felt a hand close on his wrist and he immediately pulled away. Liam was standing there when he turned around.
“Sorry. Thought you were Zayn.” Louis looked behind him, “Where’d he go?”
“With Lou. What’s wrong?” Liam asked.
“You were there last night. You saw.”
“He apologised.”
Louis frowned, “Whose side are you on Li?”
“I’m not on anyone’s side. What Zayn did was shitty, yes, I agree. But he knows that, and he told you he was sorry, and he loves you a lot Louis. We all do. You’re important to the band, you’re important to us as a friend. You know how serious Zayn takes his relationships. He needs to know you forgive him. I don’t want any rifts between us on stage. People will notice.”
“He should’ve thought about that before he tried to fuck me.”
Liam sighed, rubbing at his temples, “Look, we’ve got a few days off before the next show. Give you both some time to sort this out. Do you want to come back to mine?”
“No.”
“Well then spend some time with Harry or someone. Just call someone Louis, don’t be alone, ok?”
“Louis…” Niall stepped in, “Don’t be so hard on him. We’re still figuring it out you know? It’s not like he’s your boyfriend.”
When the music started and they were signaled to go on, Louis and Zayn went out on opposite sides. Louis’ head was suddenly a mess, thinking about Niall’s words. “It’s not like he’s your boyfriend.” Niall was right. Zayn wasn’t his boyfriend. None of them were. So was Louis putting his heart into something that would only disappoint him? Louis and Zayn managed to avoid each other for the entire show, Louis always making sure there was someone in between them. Liam’s frustration was evident throughout, and Harry and Niall constantly looked concerned. The next day the internet would be full of rumours of ‘tension in the band’, several fans on tumblr pointing out the lack of ‘Zouis’ interaction. Everyone went home that night in separate cars, Louis staring at his mobile. He needed to talk to someone. An uninvolved party. He pulled up his contacts, selecting a name and began typing out a text.
‘Need to talk. Important. Come over tomorrow?’-Louis
~~~
Louis jumped up when he heard the knock, making his way to his front door. When he opened it, the morning sunshine gave him quite a cruel greeting, he didn’t even see anyone walk up the steps and step inside until a hand was on his shoulder, blocking out the light.
“Phew! It’s some trip here from Manchester you know.”
He turned around as Eleanor walked past him, bag over her shoulder.
“Thanks for ugh…gracing me with your presence then.”
“You asked me love.” Eleanor said with a shrug. Louis followed her back, into the kitchen where she went immediately to grab a mug out of the cupboard and started to turn the kettle on. Louis sat down at the table as she got out a second mug for him and placed the tea bags in them. He didn’t say a word until she sat down across from him and folded her hands together, staring at him. “So…why am I here?”
Louis fidgeted in his seat, looking away, then back up at her, “Tea’s not done.”
“Louis! You texted me at 1 in the morning and told me you needed me to come see you. Right away. So I’m here. Now what is it?”
“I’m asexual.”
Eleanor nodded, “Alright, that’s a start.”
“Did you know?”
“No…..well….I knew something, didn’t know what it was.”
“I told the lads…and mum…and it was really good for a while. It got intimate.” Louis watched Eleanor’s eyebrows go up, “Mine was more of an emotional intimacy.” He shrugged, “But then, last night Niall said something and it just really bothered me. He said Zayn wasn’t my boyfriend.”
The tea kettle started to whistle, but Eleanor stayed where she was, concentrated on Louis, “He’s not though.”
“No but…” Louis sighed, “I love Zayn. I love all of them. And Niall made it sound so disposable. I got scared. I don’t want him to be right.”
“He’s not right Lou.”
Louis sighed, “Get the tea.”
Louis followed Eleanor into the kitchen and watched her pour, then reaching for the sugar dumping two spoons into her own cup and leaving his as is. He smiled as she turned to hand him the cup.
“You remembered.”
Eleanor shook her head, like she was marveling at him, “Three years Louis.”
Louis sipped at his hot tea, “Am I stupid El?”
Eleanor fondly reached over and stroked his face, petting at his chin with a smile, “You’ve got three more weeks of this tour Lou. Spend it with your best friends. They’re the biggest idiots I’ve ever met, but they love you. I know, because I did too.”
Later that night, Zayn was reclining on the couch in the green room, scrolling through some new fanart on his twitter. He got ready quickly and was relaxing before sound check. The noise of the crew and the other boys fading into the background. Zayn thought about having a little nap, when he felt two arms hug around his shoulders.
“I’m sorry”
“Lou?” Zayn looked up at him.
Louis let go, a heavy sigh and his shoulders slouching as he stepped around and Zayn curled his feet up so he could sit down.
“Lou I should be the one apologizing. I crossed a line. And drunk or not, that’s no excuse. I know I can’t fix this with comics and cigarettes but, I’ll do anything you need me to do to make this up to you.”
Louis tried to hide the smile on his face, “I forgive you Zayn. I don’t need any grand gestures. Just give me your word okay?”
“You have it.” Zayn said.
“You have it from all of us.” came Harry’s voice.
Harry, Liam, and Niall all stood in the doorway circled around each other. Liam’s hands in his pockets, Harry’s chin on Niall’s shoulder. Louis stood up, glancing back at Zayn and then over to the others. Zayn jumped up and wrapped Louis in a tight hug, enveloping him right before the others rushed over and Louis found himself in the middle of the greatest band hug ever, that no one else would ever see. No. This one was just for them.
~~~
Louis yawned, stretching out on the fold out bed as he put his headphones in, pulling his hoodie down.
“Tommo!”
Louis looked up at Niall’s voice.
“What are you doing lazy ass? It’s like a 4 hour drive.”
“I’m going to sleep.”
Niall nudged Louis’ shoulder, cueing for him to make room, and Louis moved over so Niall could join him. The blonde boy burrowed into an empty pillow, forehead against Louis’ shoulder. Louis scrolled though his iPod and settled on Mumford and Sons for the journey before closing his eyes.
“What’s this?” Liam asked. “We’re only going to Glasgow you know.” He said, having walked over and looking down at them.
“I’m tired!” Louis groaned, rolling over, “You lot talk too much you know? You want to hang out then lay down.”
So Liam obliged, got on the opposite side of Niall, who reached back to squeeze his arm in a friendly gesture. Louis closed his eyes once more, thought he could really fall asleep this time. And then someone sat down next to him. He didn’t even need to look. He just sighed.
“What Harold?”
“You guys are sleeping without me.” Harry said, pouting his lips.
“I’m trying to take a nap. I think Liam is trying to subtly wank off Niall and it’s not working, I can feel that you dick!”
Niall giggled, elbowing Liam.
“You guys leave Louis alone.”
“Thank you Harry.” Louis thought he was in the clear now, but it seemed he spoke too soon, as Harry was now toeing off his shoes and wiggling out of the skin tight jeans he had chosen to wear today. “Harry…what now?”
“Well I can’t lay down in those.” Harry said, as if it were obvious. “We should get Zayn.”
“Get Zayn for what?” Zayn yelled from his bunk.
Louis groaned, “Get in here! May as well join us!”
Zayn could hardly keep the fondness from his face. Louis lay staring at the ceiling, wiggling around in the now much smaller space since his 4 bandmates had decided to join him. It was like being part of giant puppy pile Louis imagined. And the way Zayn was fidgeting.
“Zayn! While we’re young!”
Niall laughed.
“It’s not funny. I’m sleepy.”
“Liam could sing you to sleep.” Niall suggested.
“Don’t you dare!” Louis snapped.
“It’s okay Liam, Louis’ always grouchy when he’s tired.” Harry said.
Zayn was the one who laughed this time.
Louis sighed, expecting to never get to sleep. But eventually the chatter and giggling stopped and they all nodded off for the short drive.
Louis woke up with about an hour of travel left, and found that he couldn’t move. Harry was on his right, hair falling around his face, arms folded across his chest. Louis traced the contours of Harry’s face with his eyes, smiling to himself as he marveled at how pretty Harry was. Niall was on the left, back turned, arm draped across Liam and nuzzled against him, snoring softly. Liam was on his back, one hand on Niall, one hand off the side of the bed, fingers slightly curled. And Zayn was nestled between Louis’ legs, resting on his thigh like a pillow, curled up so his feet wouldn’t hang off the edge. Louis reached down to pet at Zayn’s hair and Zayn made a soft noise.
As the bus continued down the road, Louis closed his eyes again, finding a rhythm in Harry’s breathing and squeezing his hand close. This was good. Whatever it was. Were they his best friends? His partners? Only they could define themselves, that was something Louis had learned over the course of this tour. Louis had learned he could trust them and depend on them and fight with them and break them and love them.
And that really, really, was ace.