Chapter Text
Orihime sips her coffee and is surprised to find it has gone cold. She can’t remember being engrossed in her book for very long. But then again, she has finished two stories already and she set out to read just the one she read before those two.
She smiles, satisfied. They were worth it. Plus, it’s not as if she dislikes cold coffee. All her friends think it’s disgusting, more so if it’s made of the instant stuff but Orihime secretly thinks none of them have functional tastebuds.
She gets up from her perch by the window and sets her book to the side. It is an anthology by an Urdu writer named Manto. She first came across a story by him called ‘Khol Do’ or at least the English translation of it. She had felt touched, but also like if she were to write a Japanese translation of the story she probably could make the punch line more effective than the English translator had. That was the beginning of a journey and now Manto is one of her favourite authors.
She can’t much relate to his work, she hasn’t lived through the conditions he describes. It always feels like she has been punched in the gut, however, when the twist, the climax arrives and she can’t seem to get enough.
She is a greedy person, Orihime thinks. She can never get enough of anything she likes. She refuses to count that as a fault though. There’s nothing wrong with trying to make yourself happy, is there, and if all the Manto and unintentionally cold coffee do it for her, then that’s on that.
She hums as she finishes her coffee and places the book back on her bookshelf. She notices a gaping, empty space on her second to last manga rack and reminds herself to ask Uryuu if he would like the next volume of the series. He’s had the ones he borrowed from her for long enough that he ought to be done with them.
She will have to do it in secret though. Uryuu doesn’t admit to anyone else that he likes manga.
Orihime places a finger on her nose when she notices another empty spot on the shelf and takes a moment to remember it is that of a poetry book that Rukia borrowed from her for Byakuya, possibly. Rukia doesn’t read poetry (I hate literature, I would rather read a good book, she likes to say) and Renji would have asked Orihime himself.
If there’s anyone in her group of friends who understands her love for books at all, it is Renji. It was not something Orihime had known to expect but true nevertheless. He’s quite well-read too even though their tastes in literature are wildly different.
She thinks he might enjoy Manto, though.
She grabs her phone to text him about it and hopes he has already read some of it. She is dying to discuss the stories with someone and when she asked Tatsuki and Ichigo, they both somehow made the exact same face and then took a minute to get the pronunciation of ‘Manto’ right.
The memory makes her smile. The two of them can be so silly and somehow, they only get worse when they are put together but then she supposes that’s true for all of them.
As stupid as they come across to everyone else though, the giddy sensations of friendship are not to be equalled by anything. She loves her friends so much sometimes it feels like she might burst with all of the emotion she can barely contain within her body. Her skin feels like it has been stretched tight across her frame, all of the affection and devotion in the world just simmering underneath. Rukia once told her the intensity with which she loves is the prettiest thing about her. Orihime has been called pretty so many times it rarely feels like anything, anymore but she blushed so much that time Ichigo and Tatsuki teased her about a ‘crush’ on Rukia for days afterwards.
… and that … didn’t that make her feel a type of way.
Ichigo really is silly. Orihime doesn’t know how he doesn’t know.
For a brief period in time, Orihime had wondered if Ichigo was gay and it wasn’t solely because of his disinterest in her. Of course, just because he didn’t like her didn’t mean he didn’t like girls. He had never seemed to like any girls though except Rukia, for a bit, and really, hadn’t that been terrifying? How was someone like Orihime ever supposed to compete with someone like Rukia?
Then, Ichigo started seeing Sado and Orihime tried to be happy for them, she did, even though her chest felt so tight she had to hang up the phone, when Ichigo told first told her, just to catch her breath back before redialling Ichigo and telling him her connection was faulty.
Except then, they broke up and said they wanted to remain just friends. Tatsuki came out to everyone that very day and Ichigo said he was starting to think he was bisexual. He wasn’t sure.
Orihime should have been upset for her friends and for a bit she thought she was greedy, vile, and selfish for only being able to feel butterflies and cotton in her stomach when she realised she might have a chance with Ichigo after all. Ichigo and Sado seemed perfectly fine, though. It truly was an amicable break up so she didn’t beat herself too much.
If she is to be honest, she doesn’t know how she could ever compete with someone like Sado either.
Orihime feels a sigh fall past her lips. Her phone pings, Renji has replied. He hasn’t read Manto sadly but he says he has a day or two off and that he can talk Byakuya into letting him use the Kuchiki senkaimon. He promises to visit and she gets all breathlessly excited over it.
Lately, she is starting to think it doesn’t matter who she feels like she can or can not compete against. Love isn’t a competition, after all.
… and Ichigo…
He never was a prize, she always knew that. It is why she never struggled for his attention. She has always felt satisfied to exist by his side, to be counted amongst the people he trusts and cares for. Orihime has known she loved him since before they first talked, before Rukia showed up, before he had his near unbelievable glow-up, and before he even knew her. That has been enough, always. She is a little too smitten when it comes to him, she forgets to expect returns.
Kurosaki Ichigo has always been an experience all in himself, a truth plucked out of the most intense currents of undefinable emotions and a dream Orihime felt like she could never wake up from. She still feels the same, her heart still beats too fast, and her face still gets too red.
Lately, she is starting to think maybe that isn’t enough though.
It hurts.
She doesn’t know if it has to do with how long it has been or if it’s the fact that she has watched a friend of hers receive the love she has always craved all her life. Her heart hurts so much lately and she doesn’t want to let the pain overshadow everything that is good (and intense, and invigorating, and lovely) about their friendship. The prettiest girl in the world thinks Orihime looks the prettiest when she is filled with love and she doesn’t want to let this dull ache fester and colour the beautiful parts of her.
Lately, she is starting to think she needs to wake up.
…
Rukia and Renji visit together the next day. They stand closer, they smile softer. Orihime jumps up and tries to hug both of them at the same time, and fails. They are just too far apart in height. She is right in the middle though, so she doesn’t cause them to fall over which is good.
She crushes Rukia against her chest and then is crushed against Renji’s. He blushes when she congratulates them and Rukia winks. Ichigo makes gagging noises but the smile he shares with Renji makes a knot come undone in Orihime’s stomach. Ichigo looks truly happy for them and she, for a second, was afraid he would be hurt, if he still carried the feelings she had once thought he did for Rukia.
Ichigo and Rukia decide they want to spar and go back inside the shop. Orihime giggles because she knows Rukia is going to talk Ichigo’s ear off about Renji. Those two are always like that, neither of them is a big talker when it comes to feelings but when they do, they only do it to each other. It is kind of cute.
A huge hand smacks her back, in the middle of her shoulder blades, and she is driven forward a little, eyes wide in surprise.
“So, how about you show me that book, huh?” Renji grins down at her.
“You should offer to buy me ice cream first,” she tells him. “As a celebration. Come on.”
Renji groans. He hates wearing a gigai and Orihime knows that so she gives in and decides to order ice cream at home instead. Renji sprawls across her couch, shovelling spoonful after spoonful into his mouth. Orihime decides to turn hers into a soda pop and Renji shifts to make space for her when she returns with her drink.
“ So …” she grins.
“No,” he places a hand on her mouth. “Book.”
Orihime pouts. He can’t see it but he can feel her lips jutting out against his finger.
“I’ve already told the entire story in detail to Taichou, Ikkaku-san, Yumichika-san, Kira, Hinamori, Hisagi-san, and Matsumoto-san. Give me a break!” He groans. His head falls back but some strands of his hair get caught between his shoulder and the backrest so he hisses in pain and straightens again.
“This is what happens when you withhold information from your friends,” she teases.
“Just show me the book, okay!”
Orihime laughs.
…
Renji lazes about her house and speed reads through the collection. Orihime makes food, tries on the three pairs of shoes she ordered recently and sends pictures on the group chat, then draws on his knees where his hakama has rucked up on his legs and wonders when he will notice.
He doesn’t.
She notices something, though. It’s a sharp black spike of ink higher up on his thigh, vibrant against the sparse but noticeable red hair on his skin. Her eyes widen.
“ How far down do your tattoos go?”
That catches his attention, even though Orihime literally stomping her feet next to him to show him her shoes hadn’t. He sits up, his face red and his hands flying to hold down the ends of his hakama and then hastily pulling it down. Orihime sits back on her knees and blinks in expectation of an answer.
“What the hell?! Were you peeping?!”
“No!” She waves her hands in front of her face because that’s just a gross thing to be accused of. “I was just drawing on your knees!”
“You were- what?!”
Renji lifts his pants again to look at the blue squiggles she has put on his knee.
“Why.”
It doesn’t even sound like a question.
“Are you not wearing underwear?” She asks.
Renji’s face reddens even more.
“Of course I am!”
“Then show me your tattoos!”
Renji rubs his temples, the book carelessly dumped on the couch so that it has shut on itself. He had no page markers either.
Fortunately, Renji has an uncanny ability to find the page he was on within the first two tries so Orihime isn’t too worried.
“I can’t show you them.” He tells her.
“Why?” She tilts her head in confusion.
“I promised myself when I started getting them that Rukia would be the first person to see the whole thing.” He explains.
“Haven’t you guys,” she lowers her voice a little. “Done it, yet?”
Renji blushes again. He blushes so much that even Orihime can’t deny it is kind of embarrassing. A grown person just shouldn’t blush so much. Ever.
He shakes his head but refuses to comment more. Orihime lets up because he looks a little uncomfortable.
“When did you start getting them?” She asks instead.
This is information he is far more willing to offer.
“Academy days,” he shrugs. “I decided to shave off my eyebrows cause I didn’t like them and I tattooed them on but then I got so excited I sat down with the artist and came up with a design I thought would look cool and got it done.” He sighs.
“It did not look cool at all, not by itself. So I started filling it in. Getting more. This part here,” he points at one of the parts where his hairline is weirdly lifted. “Burned it off during kido. Have no idea what I fucking did but they just didn’t grow out. So I went in, shaved off the other side, and got it tattooed too. I guess I just kinda kept going till I was satisfied with how I looked.”
“You look very good.” She assures him. She does that any chance she gets. It must be difficult living with such a weird hairline and eyebrows, she thinks, even if he makes it work.
He nods in thanks.
Orihime can’t believe he would do something like that though. It just seems way too reckless for Renji. He is not like Ichigo, rushing in head first and then thinking later.
“You don’t approve,” he notes, and there is a smirk on his lips as if he has caught her in an act she must be ashamed of. She kind of is. She tries her best to always be non-judgemental and kind. Who is she to decide what was wise or unwise when it came to someone else’s life and body?
She has very strong opinions about everything, though, had them for as long as she can remember. She just doesn’t express them as often.
“It just seems kind of risky,” she shrugs. “Tattoos are permanent and you don’t sound like you gave it enough thought.”
“Tattoos are fun,” Renji amends. “And I had recently discovered I was allowed to have fun. I see it now that I was getting kind of addicted, then but I love the end result so it’s fine.”
She nods. He is clearly becoming way too good at reading her, though for he elbows her a little.
“Like you’ve never done anything risky.”
“I take calculated risks,” she states with a finger up in the air because it is true. All of them are risk-takers, that is a fact but some of them are just smarter about it. Rukia has experience on her side and Renji is naturally cautious. Uryuu is way too smart to make reckless mistakes and Sado doesn’t seem to be capable of making mistakes at all.
Only Ichigo and Tatsuki are meatheads who move first and think later. Orihime has nothing to say in complaint though for it is kind of charming.
“Sure,” Renji rolls his eyes. Orihime feels just a little offended but he is losing himself in the book again soon enough so she doesn’t get the time to really kick up a fuss about it.
Plus, she can’t wait to hear his thoughts. The speed with which he devours story after story speaks in his favour anyway.
Her phone rings and she leaves him alone to attend to it. It’s Tatsuki and she’s grinning before she even picks up.
“Hello, Tatsuki-chan!”
“Orihime,” Tatuski’s voice sounds crunchy like she’s chewing something. “Are you home? I was getting bored.”
“I am home but I have a guest,” she informs her. “It’s one of my friends from Soul Society. I don’t think it will be a problem, though so you can come on over!”
“Oh … Is it that pretty blonde lady?” She asks. She doesn’t sound excited like she usually does when it comes to Rangiku, though.
Orihime giggles anyway and holds her phone tighter.
“No, it’s Renji-san. You should come over anyway, it will be fun!”
“I’ll pass, then.” She announces, bored. Her voice sounds strangely flat and Orihime is immediately frowning.
“What happened?” She questions.
She can picture Tatsuki shaking her head on the other end.
“Nothing. Talk to you later, bye.”
When she turns around, Renji is staring at her, eyes expectant.
“Just Tatsuki-chan. She wanted to come over cause she was bored but said no when I told her I had company. Did you guys fight or something?”
Renji snorts, informs Orihime he barely knows Tatsuki and looks too amused for comfort.
“What?!” She nearly snaps in indignation before catching her tone and giving him a soft smile in apology. Renji waves it away. Orihime still remembers how Renji had informed her she’s one of his handful of friends who actually bother with apologising for stuff.
Orihime isn’t sure she believes that. Rukia always apologises to her no matter what Renji or Ichigo wants to say about it.
“Don’t you get it?” He asks.
“Don’t I get what?”
Renji makes a weird crowing noise. There is very little Orihime categorically disagrees with Tatsuki on and she strikes ‘boys are fucking weird’ off that list, too.
“You really don’t get it? What do you keep bragging about your woman’s intuition for, huh?”
Orihime places her hands on her waist and considers whining at him till he spills but turns out, she doesn’t have to for once Renji has had enough of a laugh at her, he flashes her a glimpse of his disturbingly white teeth and declares,
“She obviously wanted to hang out with you, one on one, like a date!”
Orihime can’t even help the snort that escapes her, embarrassing as the sound is. She immediately covers her mouth, cheeks flaming red. Renji takes no notice of her.
“Are we talking about the girl I think we’re talking about? Arisawa? Spiky-haired lesbian? Talks to Ichigo like she knows ten thousand and one ways to immobilise, cut, cook, and then feed him to stray dogs?”
Orihime nods. It’s mostly on autopilot. Her brain is taking a break from the very strenuous endeavour of active thinking.
“ How did you not know?! She’s had the hots for you since you were all wee idiots back when we first met. Even Ichigo knows that much.”
Orihime can feel her eyes bulging out and she thinks she must look very stupid.
“ How can someone like Tatsuki-chan like someone like me?”
Renji narrows his eyes, imperceptibly. There is no other way for him to narrow his eyes though, considering how they are already quite narrow and angled, placed high on top of strong cheekbones that make Orihime feel vaguely jealous. She will never admit to how many different types of contour palettes she has wasted money on to get her cheekbones to pop as Renji’s do.
“You don’t have to phrase it like that you know?” Renji frowns a little. He looks very severe whenever he frowns. “If you don’t think she likes you, just say you don’t think she likes you. You don’t have to keep putting yourself down every time you open your mouth.”
Orihime does open her mouth again but this time no words come out, self-demeaning or otherwise.
She is confused if she should insist she doesn’t do that or insist Tatsuki doesn’t like her like that. Both of them are points well worth making but before Orihime can figure out which goes first Renji has stood up, crossed her living room, and placed his giant palms on her shoulders.
Orihime winces. He clearly has no idea how much strength he carries in his limbs even when he isn’t actively trying to. All of the rest of Renji’s friends are battle-hardened and muscled to hell so they probably don’t feel it but she makes a note to herself to bring it up to him at some point because if he keeps patting people like this, he’s going to severely injure his and Rukia’s firstborn.
“Have you and Rukia-san thought of baby names yet?” She asks out of nowhere and Renji scowls.
“I don’t understand how your brain works and it’s terrifying. Anyway, your self-esteem, it’s shit and Arisawa wants you about as desperately as Aizen wanted to fuck us all over in the ass because he was bored. ”
She pauses and then,
“That was essentially it, wasn’t it?”
Renji shakes his head.
“I can never understand smart people. Except you. I get you. Sometimes.”
“You’re smart, too. Oh, and thanks.”
She blushes a little because she doesn’t think anyone has called her smart outside of school-related things. Oh, they give her plenty of compliments, kind, sweet, generous, all things that have to do with how she affects other people. ‘Smart’ is a new one.
She would like to be smart, she decides.
Renji grins.
“Thanks.”
His big palm ruffles her hair and Orihime realises she wants to be hugged, too. She doesn’t know how to ask for it though so she doesn’t. Instead, she lets Renji walk away and sprawl across her couch again, and tries to come up with the right words to tell him she wants a hug. She hasn’t thought of any by the time Rukia calls Renji and asks him and Orihime to meet her and Ichigo at this pastry shop Rukia has decided they need to try out stat.
So, Renji steps into his gigai and they both leave and Orihime thinks, she would like to learn to ask for what she wants just as much.
…
Pastry shop hangout turns into a walk across the park. Renji holds Rukia’s hand and blushes. Ichigo and Orihime trail behind them and exchange grins like proud parents as if they are the ones two hundred years old.
“God, this is so cute. Embarrassing but cute. Why are they like this?” Ichigo mutters.
“Like you never took Sado-kun on walks and held his hand?” Orihime prompts.
Ichigo flushes and rubs the back of his neck.
“We tried that once but we quickly figured out that wasn’t our scene, you know?”
Orihime hums.
It doesn’t feel like it would be her ‘scene’ either.
“What did you do on dates then?”
Ichigo frowns in consideration. In the soft glow of the sunset, the harsh orange of his hair melts into a softer ochre and Orihime desperately wants to run her hands through the strands and maybe cup his face and peck his chin, which always wobbles when he thinks too hard. It isn’t very prominent and it has a dimple but it’s not in the middle of it. It just might be Orihime’s favourite feature of his.
She tears her gaze off of him with a sharp reprimand directed to herself inside her head. None of this! She’s supposed to be moving on.
“We did a whole lot of things, some generic stuff some not so generic stuff.” He glances at her and his cheeks have only gotten redder. His eyes skit away from her face and Orihime frowns because that’s new. New and weird.
“What about you?” He asks. “What do you like to do on dates?”
Orihime gives herself a few seconds to think about her answer but can’t come up with any.
“I don’t really know,” she admits, sheepishly. “I have never been on one before.”
“Really?!” Ichigo’s eyes widen and he actually stops walking. He stumbles a little and it’s all so comical that Orihime laughs even as she reaches out to steady him.
She wonders if she should be offended or flattered by his reaction.
“How come you have never been on a date?! You must be drowning in offers! How are you not drowning in offers?!”
“I do get a lot of offers,” she admits even if it’s embarrassing. “That doesn’t mean I want to accept any of them.”
Tatsuki has never made an offer, she thinks, and surely, she would have if she liked Orihime. Tatsuki isn’t shy. Renji is just a very weird man.
She wonders how she would have reacted if Tatsuki had asked her out.
It’s not that Orihime doesn’t like women. They are fairly attractive, she can admit that. They are soft and they have sweet voices and when they are not soft, they are strong and it makes Orihime feel dizzy. There’s something decidedly impressive about muscular girls, anyway. She came to that conclusion when she first saw Rukia, and then Yoruichi, and then Rangiku, and Harribel, oh god, Harribel.
Tatsuki is fairly muscular too, she remembers. Orihime doesn’t exactly blush but her stomach does a weird rolling motion and she knows facing her best friend the next time is going to be an experience.
So really, it’s not that she doesn’t like women. It’s just that she has only ever liked Ichigo.
Ever.
If she can’t remember being into a woman, she can’t remember being into a man either except Ichigo and it has never been in her nature to be hasty with assumptions. She likes the idea of knowing herself and so she pries every action, every thought, every emotion, right out of context to examine in isolation. Knowing herself means she knows her strengths. Younger Orihime just wanted to remain on top of them all because she thought she had so few but the older she gets, the more she realises that learning things about herself is all sorts of fun.
She smiles when Ichigo says he gets that.
“What would your ideal first date be?”
The first image that assaults her is of her and Ichigo, sitting on her couch and watching something while eating pork cutlet bowls from that takeaway joint that they all love.
Her heart hurts a little. She gulps.
“I… wouldn’t want to go out with a stranger,” Ichigo nods at that again. “I don’t think I could date someone I don’t trust and if I trust them, I won’t mind having them over,” she explains. “I think for the first date, I would just like to stay home and talk, as much as I want to. As much as they want to. There will be no time constraints, no interruptions, no self-consciousness because there are strangers around. I just want us to be comfortable and feel safe.”
Ichigo smiles a little.
“That sounds fun.”
“Please!” She waves a hand in front of her face and now her cheeks are decidedly red. There’s something disarming about Ichigo’s eyes. Orihime can’t look at them for very long when he drops his voice and starts speaking all softly like that. “It is very boring, I know that! We could be doing so many other things! I bet you and Sado-kun did way more interesting things!”
“Yeah well, we still broke up,” Ichigo shrugs and kicks out with his sneakered foot. There’s nothing to kick, no pebbles, no sand, and Orihime doesn’t know why but she can't help smiling at that.
“So clearly, I didn’t think all those things were all that fun.”
Orihime doesn’t want to ask Ichigo if he would like to talk about it because she is not sure her heart can take it but she is about to, anyway when they are interrupted by someone karate-chopping Ichigo between his shoulder blades. He screams and begins dancing around in pain. Orihime reaches out for him and offers to help. It was Rukia, who then screams at them to stop dilly-dallying because she has already figured out where they are going to eat.
Orihime didn’t even know they were going to eat out.
“Pocket-sized control freak!” Ichigo screams. Rukia tries to karate chop him again but Ichigo starts running. Rukia begins chasing him. Orihime begins chasing her to stop her. Renji refuses to partake and calls out that he will meet them there, wherever 'there' is.
Breathless, with her lungs burning just a little, Orihime thinks her life would be lots of fun if her heart stopped hurting whenever Ichigo was around her.