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An early evening breeze and the buzzing sounds of insects’ callings blew in through the window of their bedroom, still cool in the fading orange sky before the heat of the summer season. The gentle light of the coming evening had always been his favorite time on Cardassia. He remembered laying there together, as now, over the years, arguing over something, over nothing maybe, making love both slowly and with reckless abandon, reading books each of them insisted the other needed to know. And he lay here still, as he had many times before, but this time, the man he looks upon with love, looks upon death.
All the chances, all the opportunities, all the things I should have said. You saved me a million times over. Yes, you knew, I showed you, but the things I didn’t say, so many things have been left unsaid. As always, I beg you to know my thoughts, my intensions. Somehow, you always could even when I was rendered speechless by you. I was never able to put you into words.
He lay there, caressing his lover of many decades over. Where had the time gone, he wondered? It could have only been a few years ago that they were sitting in the replimat, one a fresh young Federationer, the other a lonely exile, arguing the intricacies of literature. Just months ago, they were parting ways after a long and bloody battle with the Dominion. And just moments ago, that Julian was returning to Garak, joining him on a ravaged Cardassia Prime, then choosing to stay, trying to set right the horrors of mass death and destruction. Though it seemed to him in memory as fresh as it was yesterday, and it also felt every bit the lifetime ago that it truly was.
I remember one of your first visits here, walking with you, the sand crunching beneath our feet, your hand fitted perfectly within mine as I helped you up the mountain’s side; everything was still ahead of us. I’d brought you to the northern continent after the war, the quiet little place I had written to you about, hoping you’d join me sometime. And then, there we were. Just us, together. Sitting with you that day, watching the way your eyes shined in the sunlight, your skin, pink and flushed from heat, I made an unspoken promise to you, forever Julian and always, never thinking it could come to an end. I’ve kept that promise still. It is still the best thing I’ve ever done. I knew I could never live without you. You said I’d never have to, with your enhancements, you’d outlive me by fifty years, and I was always selfishly grateful for that. To live an existence without My Dearest Julian. That would not be a life worth living for. But here we are, what I came to fear the most, not war, not the Order, not the Dominion.
As the sun set, a chill stole into the room. He went over to the windows to close them a bit more to retain what was left of the warmth from the day. It really had been a beautiful day. Returning to the bedside, his eyes followed the shape of his figure, his hands traced every edge and corner of the resting face as if to memorize it one more time. But who could forget such beauty?
I remember lying beside you in our bed, if it was one time then it was a million times, running my fingers through your hair, so soft and fresh, just gazing at you as you slept. “You always had me; my lies have always been truer when I’ve told them to you.” I whispered. You didn’t hear me. Everything for you at any cost to me; My life, I thought as I cradled your lovely face in my hand, my thumb tracing the bow of your lips. And It’s been a good life together. And for all my failings, all my regrets, I wouldn’t change a thing, because for those things, for better or worse, I had you. And that’s all I ever needed. And now I’m losing you; it’s over for a while. I will find you again.
Elim shifted into his partner’s warmth as Julian lay down next to him, the shape of their bodies fitting perfectly together as always.
As he opened his eyes he asked softly, “You’re… what’s this, you’re up? It was a dream. I was losing you.”
“Elim, I’m here, love. I’ve been here. It’s alright.”
“Thank the guls, Julian, I couldn’t bear to live without you. I couldn’t...” Remembering, his smile tensed as he swallowed hard and reached for the hands that were holding his face. “My dearest, I… you need to know…”
“I know, Elim, you’ve never needed to say anything. You always made sure I knew. Not a single day has ever passed that wasn’t made brighter and easier because of your love.”
“It’s always been you. It could only have ever been you for me. I love you.”
“I know.” Julian leaned over him, a kiss on the chufa, a kiss on the nose, a kiss on the first cheek, then the other, finishing with a lingering one on his lips, holding his hands. He watched the breath rise and fall in Garak’s chest, his silvery scales didn’t seem to reflect the moonlight the way they once did, but even now, they were no less beautiful for it.
“You gave me everything, you were everything. You made my life whole. I wouldn’t have changed a thing about it for fear it would have changed us. We’ll meet again in the next life and do it all over again. We always have and always will. We still have forever.” Julian squeezed his hand but for the first time, he did not find it squeezing back.
I remember you with me, carrying your memories along with mine. Past and present intertwined, looking forward your hand still in mine.