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Every so often, the light in Cloud’s eyes would go away.
The first time Denzel noticed it was shortly after the whole Geostigma incident. He had been helping Cloud fix Fenrir, and attempted to hand Cloud the wrench. But Cloud didn’t take it. Even when Denzel called out his name a few times and nudged him, Cloud was staring at nothing. His eyes were unfocused. After several minutes of wondering what to do, Denzel rushed inside and got Tifa.
Tifa had come into the garage, gently pulled Cloud to his feet and murmured something in a soothing tone of voice. Cloud nodded and walked inside, completely oblivious to Denzel’s presence.
“….What happened?” Denzel asked.
Tifa let out a long, deep sigh. “Sometimes Cloud gets...stuck.”
Denzel had a feeling of what caused it. Every so often there were days when Cloud didn’t come home from deliveries until very late. There were whispered voices late at night, him and Tifa’s, with names like Nibelheim and Aerith and Sephiroth and phrases like my fault, can’t escape it, don’t know what to do.
“I’ve never seen him like that,” Denzel said. Seeing Cloud – whom Denzel always thought of as brave, courageous and strong – in a state like that frightened Denzel in a way he couldn’t describe.
As if sensing his distress, Tifa walked over to him and bent down to his height. “Hey,” she said softly, brushing his bangs out of his face, “Cloud is okay. I promise. Sometimes his thoughts just get the better of him.”
“Why, though?” Denzel blurted. “What happened to him?”
Tifa let out another sigh. “Denzel...you know how I sometimes tell you and Marlene stories about the adventure Cloud and I had?”
Denzel nodded.
“Well...there are some parts of that story that are really sad. And there were some things that happened that were really scary. Cloud...he hasn’t quite moved past those things yet. They still make him sad, and they still scare him.”
“What kind of things?” Denzel pressed. Were those the things that made the light in his eyes go away?
Tifa never answered his question. Maybe those sad and scary things still affected her, too.
Over time, Denzel observed quietly. There were periods of time when Cloud was his normal self, or even better. Sometimes the light in his eyes stayed for days. In those times he smiled more often, hugged Tifa, and even helped Denzel or Marlene with homework. It’s like he had a solid floor to land on instead of falling into that fog of heaviness.
Denzel had also heard Tifa and Cloud talking about things like therapy and trauma and mental health. Knowing that “mental” meant something to do with the brain, Denzel assumed that they were talking about ways to keep Cloud’s brain healthy.
Did that mean his brain was sick?
Aerith, Sephiroth, things somehow being Cloud’s fault, therapy, mental health...it all had to connect somehow. But no matter how hard Denzel thought, he couldn’t think of anything. He had even asked Marlene’s dad, Barret, when he came to visit.
“Barret,” Denzel asked quietly, when no one else was around, “who’s Aerith?”
For being a large, burly and tough-looking man, Denzel was surprised to see Barret’s face soften considerably. “She was...a friend of ours. Cloud, mine and Tifa’s. She died not too long ago.” He cocked his head. “Why do you want to know?”
Denzel shrugged, as if playing it off. “I just heard Cloud and Tifa talking about her.” He could feel his heart beating through his shirt. It was pounding so fast it hurt.
After that, he went to Tifa. Tifa confirmed that Aerith was their friend, and that she had passed away. “Remember when it started to rain that one day and everyone’s Geostigma went away? Aerith did that.” She pointed to the pink ribbon tied around her bicep. “Cloud, Barret and I wear this to remember her by.” She had a fond smile on her face, but her eyes were sad. As much as Denzel’s curiosity was eating at him, he didn’t ask any more questions.
It may have gone on like that, with Denzel never really knowing the whole story, except that Cloud’s eyes lost the light in them more and more often. It was those days that Cloud got really quiet, drew into himself, and was often gone all day on deliveries (whether they were actual deliveries or not, Denzel didn’t know).
It was the time Cloud was gone for much longer than usual that Denzel decided he needed to act.
Cloud had been acting strangely the few days before: his mind far away, flinching at loud noises, the light in his eyes gone again. He barely ate anything that morning. Tifa sat next to him for a while and held his hand, suffering through whatever it was with him. But the more time went on, the more tense Cloud became. He stood up, mumbled something about going for a ride, and left. He didn’t come back until late evening. Tifa had greeted him at the door and simply hugged him. Denzel tried to stay up longer to listen to them talking, but he fell asleep.
Denzel knew he had to do something. He had to know this...thing. Had to understand why the light in Cloud’s eyes went away.
When the moment came, Cloud was sitting at the kitchen table. He had light in his eyes, and his overall countenance was calm. Taking a deep, deep breath and praying to whatever higher power existed, Denzel sat across the table from Cloud.
Cloud looked up and gave Denzel a small smile. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Denzel repeated.
This could be the wrong time…
But then again, if he didn’t do it now, he never would.
“Cloud...I was wondering if...you and I could talk about something.”
Cloud raised his eyebrows. “Uh. Sure.” After a pause he added, “You look awfully serious. You okay?”
“Yeah,” Denzel lied, ignoring the pounding of his heart.
“…..it’s not girls, is it?” Cloud asked, a trace of a smile on his face.
Denzel felt himself blushing. “No! It’s...something else.”
Oh, man. I can’t do this. It’s not too late, I could just back out now –
“The light in your eyes goes away!” he blurted out. There. It’s gone. It’s all out in the open now.
“The...what?” Cloud asked, puzzled.
“The light in your eyes...it goes away sometimes. Like the time we were fixing Fenrir, and the time you were gone all day and didn’t get back until late.”
Cloud didn’t say a word, but there must have been some sort of mental connection, because his eyes widened.
“Tifa says sometimes you get stuck,” Denzel continued, seeing that he wasn’t being shut out, “and I overhear you and her talk about things like Aerith and Sephiroth and -”
Cloud held up a hand. “Enough.”
“But, Cloud -”
“That’s another part of my life. A part I’m trying to move past. I don’t like to think about it.” Cloud averted his eyes, as if stating this made him feel ashamed.
As much as Denzel wanted to think, well, at least I tried, he knew I was far from over. “It just...seems to bother you. A lot.” Denzel looked into his lap, his voice quiet. “I thought that...maybe if I knew what it was and understood it better I could...help you.”
Cloud didn’t answer. I shouldn’t have brought it up, Denzel thought sadly. I ruined it. I blew it all up. “I’m sorry, Cloud...”
But Cloud didn’t seem to hear him. The light in his eyes was gone again. In that moment, Denzel had felt smaller and lower than the dust coating the windows. I did this. I made the light go away.
“You can’t know.” He finally heard Cloud say. Denzel looked up. “You can’t know, Denzel. Not because you’re not mature enough, but...” Cloud sighed, running a hand through his hair.
“The things you want to know, and you can’t really know it because you...didn’t experience it. Not like how me and Tifa and everyone else did. People want me to talk about it, or how I feel about it: Tifa, my therapist, you...but to even know a part of it is...too awful.” Cloud looked at Denzel. “I can’t tell you, and you can’t know, because I can’t tell anyone what it was really like.”
It was more than Cloud had ever said, and there was an anguish in his voice Denzel had never heard before. In one last attempt, Denzel made his voice as soft as he could.
“I can try,” Denzel whispered. “I may not get all of it, but...I can try to understand.”
The smallest trace of light shone in Cloud’s electric blue eyes. The two of them sat, staring at each other for a few moments. After about five minutes Cloud reached out and put a hand on Denzel’s shoulder. “I’m going to tell you some of it, but you have to promise me you won’t tell anyone else.” Cloud’s tone was so small, vulnerable and open. It was unlike anything Denzel had heard from him before.
“Not even Tifa?” Denzel asked, amazed.
“Tifa already knows,” Cloud explained. He paused for a moment, then began. “Denzel...do you know why my eyes are this color?”
“Yeah, cause you were in SOLDIER.”
“Well..that’s part of it. But the truth is, I….I underwent Mako poisoning.” Cloud’s voice was very quiet. “I almost lost my mind. And my friends. If it weren’t for Tifa I’d be living a lie.” He let out a sigh. “Do you remember when I told you about Zack?”
“The hero?”
“Yeah. Unlike Zack, I was a victim of Sephiroth’s torture.” There was something about Cloud’s tone of voice regarding Sephiroth that made Denzel not want to ask any more questions about him.
“Of course, there’s so much more to it than that. My memories are still sketchy,” Cloud finished quietly, “which is why sometimes the light in my eyes goes away. Not just because of the Mako, but because of Sephiroth – my memories of him. And Aerith, with her death...” He swallowed hard. “Trying to remember everything that’s happened is...painful.”
“What do you remember?” Denzel asked quietly. His question was two-fold: in the hopes that Cloud would open up a little, and that he could understand and know how to help.
Cloud was silent for many minutes, as if having a serious battle with himself. He looked at Denzel in a way that Denzel had never seen before: a deep affection, mixed with doubt and uncertainty. But he seemed to come to some kind of resolution, for Cloud spoke again.
Denzel’s eyes widened and his heart seemed to stop as horrors flew past Cloud’s lips: the burning of his home by Sephiroth. Waking up and finding his mother dead, not knowing where Tifa and Zack were. Not fully knowing what happened after he got out of the Mako tube. Seeing his best friend get shot to pieces before his very eyes. Not knowing who he was. Feeling ashamed of who he was. Feeling hopelessly, aimlessly lost no matter what he did.
“After Aerith died,” Cloud said, his voice dull and heavy, “I had...I guess you could call it a breakdown. For weeks I couldn’t move. Couldn’t speak. Couldn’t do anything. If it weren’t for Tifa and everyone else...” Cloud shook his head. “I don’t know what would have happened.”
Cloud’s anguish seemed to pierce Denzel’s soul. All at once, he understood. He understood that he may never truly know what Cloud went through. He would probably never fully understand. And maybe the light in Cloud’s eyes would still go away sometimes. Tears filled his eyes.
“I’m sorry you had to go through all of that,” he said in a shaky voice, wiping his eyes.
Cloud looked surprised at Denzel’s reaction. He gripped Denzel’s shoulders again and looked at him intently. “Hey, listen to me,” he said, in a very soft voice, “you may not know it, but...it means a lot to me that you asked.” He paused briefly. “I know I’m not the best at talking about things, and I’m sorry I worried you.”
Denzel wiped his eyes again. “I just want to help you, like Tifa does.”
A small, true smile came across Cloud’s face. “Thank you, Denzel. That...means a lot.”
The lights in Cloud’s eyes would go away sometimes, but Denzel had knowledge now. Maybe not enough to know the full story, and maybe not all that he needed.
But it was a start.