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”I… I don’t understand…”
My voice cracked with anxiety. I was confused, currently in a state of extreme mental distress.
“I know. It’s alright.”
Ruben had been holding me for about five minutes now, covering my arms with his own. When things like this happened, when my mind turned against me, it felt like an eternity had passed, yet no time at all. It was hell, my own personal purgatory.
“Why does this happen? My skin… It doesn’t… it shouldn’t ever… this doesn’t make any sense.”
Most of the words barley left my lips, I was stuttering.
“It’s because of that beautifully unique brain of yours, Love.”
He slowly planted soft kisses, trailing up my neck to my ear lobe.
“There isn’t a thing wrong with you,” he whispered, his gravel filled voice taking over my ears, “I know it can be scary, but think of all the advantages in life you have over others because of it.”
He was right as usual, being… different, did have its advantages. Gave me an almost unheard of perspective on most things. Most of the time I loved my mind… but right now? Far from it at this moment.
I thought about the state of my arms and my breathing started to pick up pace again.
“Shh… focus on my own.” His lips left my ear and he looked over my shoulder down at our arms. Interweaving his fingers with mine.
His arms, covered in burn scars, were honestly very intriguing to me. I could stare at his skin for hours, making out odd patterns that weren’t there, something most people may do most often with clouds. Luckily my paranoid mind already looked for pre-existing patterns and meanings that simply didn’t exist, a natural part of having such an odd brain, so it was easy to do here... Or, at least it usually was.
“What do you see?” Ruben was in my mind of course, I didn't have to say anything for him to know my every thought… but he was trying to create conversation and distractions. Hard to do when I was so aware of it…
“I’m not sure…” my mind was too blurry to actually make out anything at the moment. All I could think about was how my skin was... not how skin ought to be, like a wrongly rendered game character, void of all texture. My thoughts were racing. Just an odd amalgamation of thoughts, images, and sounds. None of which were under my control.
I was panicked mentally, although I didn’t show it outwardly. A skill I had picked up over a lifetime of pretending that I was mentally sane to fly under the radar. A skill to survive.
“Close your eyes.” His rough voice hovered somewhere between commanding and caring. I glanced at him over my shoulder, unsure of what he had in mind, “Don’t you trust me?” Looking into his eyes, all I could make out was a sense of gentle concern.
I closed my eyes after letting out a short sigh. Not a second passed before I felt his arms leave my own. The spaces in between my fingers felt oddly empty now. He must have felt my disappointment, as he chuckled lightly, an action I felt fully, given that his chest pressed up against my back. However a second later, that pressure had vanished as well.
“Ruben…?” My voice trembled a bit, scared of being left.
“I’m here, Love.”
I felt my left hand being picked up with his own, he was positioned in front of me now. His skin, very rough in stark contrast to my own, sent a slight chill down my spine.
“Relax.” Once again, the commanding, yet gentle tone echoed in my ears.
I took a deep breath, albeit rugged and uneven. He had moved my hand into an upright position facing him. I felt his thumb press deeply into the middle of my palm. He put enough pressure to make me hyper aware of it, yet not enough to be painful, as he moved it downwards to my wrist in a repetitive motion.
Was he… giving me a massage?
He chuckled again, in response to my curious thoughts. Well then… I suppose he was.
I could tell he was probably studying my face with his intense gaze, the way he usually did when trying to gauge my reactions and comfort level in regards to things.
He had flipped my entire arm over at this point, working his way down the underside of my forearm with the same level of pressure. He did this for a few minutes before picking up my other arm and repeating the same process, almost methodically.
I could feel my body starting to relax the way it usually does under his touch. Each and every one of my muscles losing the tension they held only minutes ago. My mental state slowly fading from stressed and overactive, to muddled. Almost entirely void of thoughts.
He let go of my arm and moved once more. Sitting behind me again in the comfortable position that was very common as of late. His legs framing each of my own.
“So, _____...”
“…Hm?”
“Feeling better, Love?”
“…..better?”
I struggled, trying to grasp the meaning behind his question.
He chuckled again, “Perfect.”
I was barely able to form a coherent sentence. It was obvious by the gentle smirk plaguing his lips, that he had accomplished what he intended to.
I leaned back into him, letting my head and neck rest back against his right shoulder. I opened my eyes slightly and let out a relaxed sigh.
He placed more soft kisses on my neck, the last one lingering behind my ear.
“Let’s get you to bed, you need sleep.”