Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was great really, having the super pal trio back together again, even if the name was probably the dorkiest description of them she could fathom. It was inaccurate now too, no longer a trio. Scorpia finally made a move. They’d been together for two years now, after pining after each other all through college. Guess once Catra was out of the picture, she finally gathered the courage. It probably would have happened right after graduation if Scorpia hadn’t been dealing with the walking disaster she called Wildcat. 

Entrapta found someone too, Catra never liked him, but with Trapta, he was nothing but a perfect angel. He was a complete surprise to everyone, not just Catra. When Hordak boarded the plane with them, Scorpia and Perfuma had no idea Entrapta was even seeing anyone, let alone married.  

Even though Catra was a fifth wheel now, it was so nice of them to fly out to celebrate her birthday after not seeing them for three years.  She walked behind the four, watching the happy couples stroll arm in arm, the caress of elbows, of reassurance and joyful whispers. It made the knot that took root in her stomach sinch even tighter. The elation at the crushing hug from Scorpia at the airport this morning caused an ember in the back of her mind to form. Now, with every heard laugh, shot, seen kiss, mixed drink, and reminisce of college, the ember had caught the kindling she failed time and time again to bury six feet under.

The last time the super pal trio was together, she’d just broken up with Adora, her arms and car full of hastily packed boxes and the unwarranted fury of the self centered prick that she used to be. 

That wasn’t entirely fair to herself. She’d managed, undiagnosed, unmedicated, and a lifetime of mental abuse she turned into a spiky armor in the form of a sharp tongue and toxic bog of a brain. It was just that her managing, being armed to the teeth, and ready for battle, made everyone else's autonomy sometimes look like an attack against her, Thusly, Adora not immediately wanting to move for Catra’s job the moment she asked, meant that the one person she loved more than anything in this world, was the one that pushed a dagger up and through her ribs. If she hadn’t let anyone get that close, it wouldn’t have happened. Except it didn’t happen, not really, there was never a metaphorical dagger, well there was but Adora wasn’t holding it. It was Catra that broke her own heart.

Catra looked up from the pavement just in time to not bump into Scorpia who had stopped, her and Perfuma side eyeing her for the umpteenth time that night. “You okay, Wildcat?” 

Catra’s ears flicked as she pondered what to say. No, she wasn’t okay, and while she’d gotten better at talking about stuff, that didn’t outweigh the guilt she felt for not just enjoying her friends' company. If it were about anything else, maybe. She spent enough time already thinking about Adora that she hadn’t even considered it could possibly get worse. Perfuma, one of her ex's best friends, wouldn’t say anything to Adora if she did take this opportunity to vent, but that also would mean telling Fuma that her presence was absolutely reminding Catra of every game night spent at her house. That Perfuma’s voice was being drowned out by Adora’s smug laughter as she made Catra draw four every time she almost had Uno. Catra was done shoveling her problems onto other people who didn’t deserve it. “Yeah, just tired.” She lied, forcing her tail to untuck. “Get a few more drinks in me and I’ll perk up. Don’t want to waste this time with you all by sleeping.”

——

Catra was proud of herself because even ten drinks in, the mantra look happy was still echoing in her mind. They asked about how her new position at the gallery was going even though Catra had previously explained everything months ago. It was the whole reason she moved out here. Nearly two years as the assistant, training, waiting for Netossa to step down from owning and managing. Catra had submitted her portfolio on a whim, never in a million years thinking she’d land a job at Etheria. It was an astonishing place, constantly changing. Even if you weren’t there to buy art, the building itself was an interactive exhibition, each room a new world to get lost in. Not only did she get the job, but now at 26, she was running the best art experience in the northwest. It was voted as such ten years and counting.

Objectively, It was pretty fucking cool, getting to plan out dreamscapes, find hidden talent to display, and the paycheck was amazing. While Catra was there it was easy to throw herself into orchestrating all the moving pieces involved in keeping the gallery running. When she came home though, all that hard work felt hollow. Not always, but most days. It wasn’t because Catra wasn’t strong, independent, no she sure as fuck proved Shadow wrong about that. It just felt like there was a piece of the puzzle missing, and it started and ended with the letter A. Some puzzles still paint a whole picture from far enough away, but with these pieces from both of their lives sharing a booth with her, it was all she could think about. 

She should be over it by now, moved on. Her therapist could get the devil to forgive himself, so Catra was a close second on most difficult patients. In theory she forgave herself. She was content, sort of. What Catra couldn’t shake was the ache from what could’ve been. Adora sitting next to her, instead of just being a picture on her phone. Ten drink Catra was apparently the Catra that unblocked her Instagram again. It wasn’t even that many, for a magicat anyway. 

The first on her feed was a picture of Glimmer, Bow, Adora and the gallant, best service pup, only dog Catra would ever love, Swifty, on one of Mystacor’s many beaches. They must be visiting Glimmer’s aunt again. Fuck, she missed them. She missed Sparkles , of all people. Catra smiled to herself, the bikini top and swim trunks Adora had on were the same ones she wore the last time they went together. That girl would wear a thing to rags before trashing something or turning it into patch fabric. When you grow up as poor as they did, it’s hard to let things go, or buy something new. No matter what Adora was wearing though, she was beautiful, always. 

She swiped right and that smile immediately withered. Adora had her arm around a girl she didn’t recognize. She was… gorgeous. Hips for days, muscular, and somehow taller than Adora. In fact she kind of looked like Adora if she squinted. Catra wanted to rip her to shreds. Nope, no, not that person anymore. 

The text underneath horrifically read: 

@chelle 6 months and counting 💗 you Shelly #She-Ra #iknowitsasillymashup #Gimmermademe #revenge4GlimBowapparently

ArcherBoy: it’s cuuuute!!! Y’all areso cuuuuute! 

Glimma_Moon: Embrace it. If we’re GlimBow, you’re gonna live with She-Ra

Catra gave them that nickname, now she’d wished it was something worse, and in Glimmer’s stupid naming scheme, like trait-tor.

She joined in the laughter from Scorpia’s joke or story, she had no idea which but, even Hordak chuckled, so it would be weird if she didn’t. She shoved the phone back in her pocket, sneering. She-Ra, stupid. Her tail lashed a few times before she caught herself. Guess she hadn’t grown, not really. One thing she’d wondered about often, something she hoped for, was if Adora was happy. She was, and that should be that.

“You good, Catra?” Perfuma asked leaning around Scorpia, and it was then that she realized she was growling. 

“No.” Catra said confidently, picking up her mostly empty glass. “My drink’s gone far too soon.” 

——

Maybe it was the light dinner, maybe it was that she didn’t drink much anymore, but fifteen drink Catra was cut off Catra. Even on the toilet she couldn’t stop growling. Shelly, what fucking kind of person is named Shelly. And that screen name was totally hard ch, like cello. Who did she think she was, fucking with letters like that? Did Adora call her Shell? Take clam diving to a whole new level. 

“What the fuck is that noise?” Rudely interrupted her growling. Catra glared at the stall door. Many patrons have come and gone without a word at this point, a few even disgustingly skipped handwashing to flee the grumbling from the far corner. 

“What the fuck kind of name is Shelly?! Who would call a couple She-Ra?!” 

“Umm… those are both bad?” 

“Thank you!” After finally getting some validation, she stumbled out and headed to the sinks. The beast in stall 6 was slain, no more pee and flee for her fellow drunkards. With clean hands, she looked up into the mirror and boy did she look like shit. Her hair was poking up every which way, the face she saw was scowling at her, her shoulders bunched like they were ready to punch someone. It was someone familiar, someone she didn’t want to see. 

At times like this, Adora would wrap her arms around her and leave soft kisses on her ears until the angry rumbling turned into content ones. Adora was never scared of her snarling or claws like the other kids in their foster home were. The goof was always so proud when Catra let go and kneaded those “deadly” claws. Catra wrapped her arms around herself, projecting Adora in the mirror behind her. That’s all she wanted, to feel loved, or at least not hated by that beautiful buffoon again. 

That was beyond Catra’s control though. What was within her right to change, was that she could be happy for Adora.

 “I love you.” 

Catra still knew exactly what those words sounded like coming from her perfect lips. She still knew what those perfect lips tasted like. Those words, that taste, was gifted to someone else now. Someone who actually deserved them. She knew what she had to do. She leaned over the counter, pointing aggressively at the mess in the mirror.

“You’re gonna call her, You’re gonna leave a voicemail. You’re gonna tell her that you’re happy for her, with your own stupid mouth.” She finished her pep talk by poking the reflection on the forehead with a middle finger.

“Im… I’m sorry, what am I doing?” 

Catra whipped her head around, narrowing her eyes at the voice from stall number 3. “Not you, me . I’m calling my ex.” 

“Uh.. No, don’t do that. Not a good idea, stranger. It doesn’t sound like that this is the best time for you…” 

“Pfft, what do you know? What are you, some magic 8 ball toilet genie?” 

“Fine, enjoy your Sunday scaries.” The intrusive, know nothing bathroom entity barked back.

“Fuck off.”

—-

It took less pleading than anticipated for Catra to escape outside for a few minutes. Not that she was entirely surprised given how her friends all had someone to buzzedly fawn over and talk to. Their loss. Her whole spiel that she’d whipped up in five seconds about being a grown ass that could take care of herself for a bit, was really quite good. 

Shuffling away from the crowd of smokers she found a comfortable looking patch of brick wall to lean against. She pulled out her phone, attempting to unlock it at least a half a dozen times to key in the correct numbers. She wasn’t that drunk, she was just shaking. 

“Hope you’re happy.” No, fuck that sounded mean. “I’m glad you found someone to be happy with. ”There, there it was. It wasn’t a message she could delete before it was read, just say it, be genuine. “And I’m sorry.” Yup, beautiful, poetic even. 

It took a minute for her to pull up Adora’s number. She knew it by heart but didn’t trust her fingers to type it correctly. The contact name was just, X, because once again, very poetic. It was too painful to see Adora’s name at the top every time she opened it. 

Regret, was what she felt for not accepting the water hoisted toward before stepping outside. Her mouth felt incredibly dry. Both the regret and dryness intensified when after one ring a sleepy “Hello?” tinned through the speakers. 

The first time Catra saw a first one’s painting in person, she hadn’t expected to see it. Netossa was showing her the museum collection they had on loan at the off site office. It was just there, half covered by a sheet, the colors and swirls unmistakable. Catra carefully pulled the cover off and froze. She’d seen the images of them a thousand times, but nothing compared to seeing the eerily haunting glow from the source. There were only a handful of pieces left intact and here she was, orphan Catra D’rulth, standing in front of one of the most beautiful things she’d ever seen.  It made her fur stand on end, tingles shoot down her spine and took her breath away. She did nothing but stare at that painting for a good twenty minutes. The first and second mumbled “Hello?” Was far more intense than that. 

“I-“ Catra swallowed and gave thanks to the wall holding her up as her heart rate reached a dizzying new height. “I should hang up.” 

“Catra?” She whispered in disbelief. “No, just… give me a minute.”  There we’re faint noises in the background, a voice she didn’t recognize. Shelly, probably. She wasn’t supposed to fucking answer. Quick, drop the phone into that puddle and go back inside. “No, everything is alright. Go back to sleep, I’ll be back in a few.”  Why wasn’t her arm moving? Ah yes, fear, old friend, welcome home. 

“Hey, Catra. Is… is everything okay?”

Nothing in this world was okay. If she wanted to talk to Adora, all she should have to do is roll over in bed, but she just had to go and fuck it up. “Yeah, I, um, didn’t expect you to answer. I just wanted to, I was...” Congratulations, the first honest thing you’ve told her in three and half years and she couldn’t even get the second part out. 

“Oh, well… uh… happy birthday.” Adora said just as the silence started to get awkward. Catra wasn’t surprised she remembered, they spent nearly twenty years together. Also, a decent chunk of her friends were out here visiting for that very reason. There was a jangle of metal that Catra would recognize anywhere. The more anxious she was, the louder the dog tags on Swifty’s collar would clack together as she pet him. 

“Thanks. How’s Swifty?” That big oaf was probably on Adora right now. If they were at home she could picture the big lab strewn across her lap. Getting pet and cuddling as a job was sure hard work, and he took it very seriously. He did more than that, like herding Adora away from overwhelming stressors. He did it to her too, that morning. Laying on Catra as she decided what she could pack in time before Adora returned from her run. 

“He’s good. Had a lump scare last year, just cysts apparently so, yeah he’s just as you remember, but more lumpy sometimes.” 

“Ah, we’ll, that’s good.” Catra didn’t miss how shaky her voice sounded. No, she wasn’t going to cry. 

“Is there… you said ‘I  wanted to’ and then cut off. I mean, we can just talk for a while if you want.” 

She did want that, to actually hear her voice again, for her to saw new words that weren’t just the ones she heard on short videos on her phone. Catra could listen to Adora talk forever, actually listen , like she should have years ago. 

“No, it’s okay, it’s like 4am where you are.” Fuck, it would be 3am in Brightmoon. It was 4 in Mysticor. The beaches were only two hours away from their old place, but the time change always screwed with scheduling things. Great, now Adora knew Catra was snooping online. Get it out, get it over with and hang up. “I just… I wanted to apologize. For everything.” 

From the corner of her eye she caught Entrapta walking toward the door. She zipped around the corner into the ally. The last thing she needed was questions about who she was on the phone with. Oh god, Adora on the phone, just say it, finally, make it at least worth her crawling out of bed for. “It not an excuse but, I got help. I’m on meds now, and I have a therapist and everything. I need you to know that not a day goes by that I don’t regret what I did. What I did to you, us.” 

“Thank you Cat. I -“

“Let me, just let me finish Dor. There’s one more thing. Shelly, I-“ There was a loud sigh. 

“Perfuma told you?”  Her heart was hammering, the pavement was spinning from liquid courage, and she took the easy out.

“Yeah, look. I’m- I’m so happy that you’re happy with her. That’s all, just thought you should know.” The words were bitter on her tongue but it was smoother than the alcohol it took to say it. 

Adora waited, making sure there was truly nothing else. After a few breaths she finally freed Catra from her agony. “Thank you. I hope you’re-“ 

“That’s a lie.” Fuck, shut your mouth Catra, you did it, drop it, hang up. “Not all of it, just that last part. I found out from your insta and I am happy that you’re happy, just not with her.” 

“Cat-“

“You’re everywhere Adora. Everywhere. Every time I open my door I miss you. I was stupid, so stupid. I still know what you taste like, smell like. I can’t go grocery shopping without pricing your stupid smoothie ingredients. Cherries were on sale last week, why should I know that? I can’t even eat them. It’s been three goddamn-“

“Cat.” 

She put her hand over her eyes, trying to stop the tears from falling. 15 drink Catra was dumbass Catra. Bathroom genie was right. She’d done it, and then completely ruined it. “Do you- do you think about me when you kiss her?” Her stomach roiled. “Every date I go on-. No- I’m sorry. I’m so sorry Adora. That was a really fucked up thing to say. This was a mistake. I fucked up again. I just- I- l still want you.” 

Her thumb had no problem finding the end button this time, or the second time when her phone rang again almost immediately. The third time she stared at that green button. She had no right to do that to Adora. She hadn’t meant to say it, but she had to tell her. Adora had done enough placating and comforting when Catra should be the one making it up to her. She declined the call again. It didn’t ring a fourth because she blocked it. Sober Catra needed to apologize. She’ll unblock it Monday, after her friends leave, and text her. 

——

Catra peeled her face off the hardwood floor with a groan, faintly aware of the puddle of drool smeared across her cheek. With a few rubs the shape returned to the left side of her face and she looked around, relieved to find that she was in her room, just hadn’t made it into the bed. Because dared to open her eyes, there was a little swipe at her ear, followed by a loud , demanding meow. 

She sat up the rest of the way, scooping bossy pants Melog up in her arms. “Yeah yeah.” Catra grumbled, stroking the back of his head. “Give me a second bud, momma went to hard last night.” Very hard apparently. Slept on the floor, she was still in her clothes from last night that reeked of cigarette smoke and alcohol. There was a plate of half eaten toast on the floor with her and an empty pitcher of water. That was probably the reason she didn’t feel like complete garbage. She felt like wet bags of sand and bees had been dumped in her head and limbs but, could be worse. 

Melog screamed in her face and she sighed. It was probably well past breakfast time if he was this angry. She found her clock on the nightstand. 7:35, a whole five minutes late. With a groan answered by another “feed me asshole” mewl she lifted them both up and onto her feet.

The scent of bacon wafted at her as she fumbled out of her bedroom, that and sweet, heavenly coffee. Catra followed the trail into the kitchen, barely able to lift her hand in a wave at Scorpia who was hard at work scrambling eggs. Perfuma pulled another coffee cup down for her as Catra stared at the cupboard containing her hungry beast's food.

“How you feeling?” Perfuma asked as she poured steaming life source Catra couldn’t wait to get her hands on just as soon as she figured out how to get that door open with as few movements as possible.

“Could be worse.” Melog wiggles in her arms until he slid claws first down her side. Arms now free she reached up and pulled down the house cat proof container. Melog didn’t even give her a leg rub, eager to get a move on with this food business. Catra understood, she was too. “I assume the toast was you, so thanks.” Now that she’d managed to pull her arms up past her shoulders once, she managed it again, giving Perfuma a half hug before snatching up the coffee. 

“Where’s Whoretrap? I mean, Trapdak.”

“Yeah, they ended up getting a hotel. Hordak insisted because they actually needed to sleep. They have a business meeting here today, but they’ll be with us again later.”

A little bit of soul returned to her body at the first sip and she plopped down on the chair. “How bad was I?” Surely, it was better than her college years. No waking up handcuffs at least, not even the kinky kind.

Scorpia turned around, joining her girlfriend’s very pointed stare. Instead of shriveling she swallowed more scorched bean juice. “Well, what’s the last thing you remember? 

“Uh” Catra felt the heat rise to her ears. Oh boy. There was a big, big gap missing. How did she get home? What time did they get home? WHAT HAPPENED? “ I remember asking people to buy drinks for me because y’all cut me off, and that's about it.” At least she knew why that gap was there. Thank you strangers for your generosity. Being a decently handsome woman and saying “it’s my birthday” can get you far in gay bars.

Scorpia dolled out breakfast onto the table with a shake of her head. “So that’s how….” She just sighed, exasperated. “Why didn’t you tell us you were struggling? We get it you know, last time you saw all of us, you and Adora…”

Catra winced. Oh god. Oh no. That phone call. Why couldn’t she have blacked that out. Sweet Jesus, and she must have told them about it. Being in a long term relationship throughout college had spared her walks of shame, but the talk of shame she’d had a time or two. She wasn’t that person anymore. It was supposed to just… closure? Adora wasn’t ever supposed to answer. “I didn’t mean for it to happen like that , I should’ve never called her last night.” 

Forks clattered against the table, making Catra wince once more. No pounding headache but loud noises were likely to change that until further hydration could be acquired. “Excuse me? You did what?!” Perfuma said, wide eyed.

Oh shit, so it wasn’t that? Then.. She swallowed hard. “I mean uh, that’s what I assumed, how else would you know I was missing her if I didn’t do the stereotypical drunkenly call your ex thing?” Haha, nope. Didn’t do that at all. 

Scorpia crossed her arms, leaning back thoughtfully. “Might as well tell her, I doubt she won’t hear about it dear.” Perfuma said as she handed Catra her food. After a moment Scorpia nodded in agreement. 

“I mean, you were kind of mopey all night, but we all realized it when you dragged us to karaoke down the street.”

“I did what?” Catra stilled, precious egg not even making it to her mouth. Not karaoke. Of course it was karaoke. Get any three parts of either side of the gang together mixed with alcohol, and that’s usually where they end up. She hasn’t done that since, since the day before she left Adora. It was that night she got the email about her Etheria, that she’d gotten the job. The night Catra had decided to ruin everything.

“You practically held the place hostage with your mike hogging for a good twenty minutes. It’s a good thing you were entertaining and the crowd seemed sympathetic to your wailing.” 

“I did what?!” Catra lowered her fork back down.

“Let’s see, there was A Thousand Years, by Christina Perri. And I hate to break it to you Wildcat, but someone posted it online. Mermista found it on her feed this morning.” She shook her head with a deep breath as she pulled out her phone and placed it in front of a stunned magicat. “Powerful stuff, and I was there. You really sang your heart out. After that you floored the bar with an absolutely wrenching Whitney Houston. I even cried.” Much to Catra’s horror, Scorpia pressed play. 

She buried her face in her hands as the music and cheering started. It was bad enough to hear it, she didn’t want to see it. “AND I———-  HOLY SHIT- I——- WILLL ALWAYS LOVE. I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THIS TO ME GOD DAMN IT! I—-hooope”

Catra was going to die, right here and now and no one could stop her. Never again. She was never going to drink again, sing, nothing. It was time to quit her job and take the cloth. A vow of silence too. But wait! There’s more! 

“And if at that point it wasn’t obvious, we did try to stop you by the way, on your last song, you did the one Adora always did.”

“Noooooo” She groaned with fistfuls of hair. That song was always so embarrassing, but it was a song she knew by heart, listened to when she truly wanted to wallow. It was a game of sorts they played on karaoke outings, who could embarrass who more with cheesy devotion or lewd lyrics. Adora had found her winner. It was disqualified from ever winning again, but she loved how flustered Catra got, so Adora serenaded her with it every karaopertunity. Sure enough, broken with sobs, Catra heard herself singing once more. “I’ll be your dream, I’ll be your wish, I’ll be your fantasy.”  Catra was truly, madly, deeply, horrified.

“Why must you keep playing them?” Revenge probably. What a shitshow she’d been. She deserved this.

“Well, the heart broken drunk girl with pipes video already has nearly half a million views, so I thought I’d prepare you.” 

Catra snapped her head back up, hackles raised and suspicious. “It wasn’t one of you that posted it, was it?”

“No, no, no, of course not.” Perfuma countered quickly, waving her hands about. Suspicious. “It was…” She leaned over, peering down at  Scorpia’s phone. “DreamofGenie234”

“But I do have a private video of your ‘Do you believe in life after love’ performance in the living room.” Scorpia offered her placating smile at the continued wilting. “Anyway, that’s better than having called her right?”

“Yup” Catra said quickly, finding the fortitude for mouth to finally meet food. That would be a better solution to a lot of things, just keeping her mouth busy instead of blurting out shit. She had to talk eventually though, and make a few apologies. “I’m really sorry guys. It won’t happen again. I uh, yeah. I still miss her. A lot , but that’s no excuse. I was hoping to take you to my favorite restaurant and bar tonight, if you’re still up for it. I’m buying of course, the food’s magical.” 

Scorpia ducked her head down, claws awkwardly tapping together as her stinger dipped down. 

“Or not! We can not! That’s fine.” 

Perfuma wrapped her arm around Scorpia’s shoulder and they stared at each other for a moment in silent conversation. After a confusing few minutes they both eventually nodded and Perfuma turned back to Catra. 

“I don’t know if you noticed, but Scorpia didn’t really drink last night. She can’t. It’s not really a fun environment with her uh… status .” 

Catra’s tail dropped so hard against the floor it hurt. No, she hadn’t fucking noticed. She was too caught up in her own wallowing. Did she really just take an alcoholic to a bar? Why didn’t they say anything? Why didn’t Catra ask if that was okay for them to begin with?

“You see… we’re expecting.” 

Expecting what? Scorpia’s smile grew as Catra’s confusion did. Oh! “Oh!” She stood up abruptly, all sluggishness forgotten. “Oh my god! Congratulations! That’s- that’s fantastic!” Catra found herself matching the red faced smiles across from her. “Well, definitely the restaurant then! We have to celebrate!” 

——

She tried, she really tried. Catra kept saying that too as she pinballed back and forth between her friends on the sidewalk. This wasn’t like her actually, a new thing to address with her therapist. A few glasses of wine in, the feelings for her blonde ghost came back to the forefront, and then she used more glasses to bury it. At least things weren’t as crazy this time, and Scorpia had a fun time. It was just Catra being, well, messy and that wasn’t entirely unfamiliar for them. 

They got to the designated spot for the rideshare pick ups, and Catra hadn’t done anything really stupid, so not all was lost. “You can stop apologizing Catra, it’s fine sweetheart. We’re your friends. We don’t deal with you, we love you.” 

She purred as arms wrapped around her, opening an eye to ensure Hordak wasn’t a part of this hug circle she was caught up in. He shifted uncomfortably at her stare and stepped out of view. Catra’s self satisfied purr at making him move dropped into a whine as the neon lights he was in front of came into view across the street. 

The encircling arms dropped and their owners followed her gaze. “Catra.” She didn’t look away, her ear flicking toward a horrible screeching of a pour soul's idea of singing. Don’t ruin Queen dude, just do Bohemian Rhapsody like everyone else. No one can keep up with Freddie, she barely could. “Catra, do you need to sing your heart out again?” 

“Yes.” She said quietly. Hordak groaned and she turned to hiss at him. 

“Just don’t yank the mic out of someone’s hands again, okay?” Perfuma moved in front of her, giving her very intense eye contact. She was so close Catra was tempted to grab her face and lick her to teach her a lesson about personal space, but she didn’t. It never worked with Scorpia, but that didn’t mean the temptation faded. 

It was about twenty seconds after she opened the door when the singer stopped and everyone in the bar stared at her. Then the room filled with loud cheering. “IT'S SAD GIRL. GIVE HER THE MIC.” Some dude in a dorky polo that Adora would totally wear shouted and the cheering came back with a roar. 

Her chest puffed up and her tail danced around behind her. Fuck yeah. She was Sad Girl, and she did it so well people were cheering.  A microphone was shoved into her hands and the previous singer dragged her onto the small stage. The song that had been previously playing faded into silence. The bar quieted with it, ready to be blown away by the overnight YouTube sensation. Honestly, she was hoping to use the restroom before going up, but it could wait for after. One song. She promised her friends one song and then they’d leave. 

Catra blinked, the karaoke master repeated his question. “What song?” What song? If she had just one, what one would it be. It didn’t take her long, it was one that she avoided. She leaned toward him and whispered her answer. Catra took a deep breath, and found polo man again. Adora definitely would wear it, because she owned the same one, with its baby blue stripes that matched her eyes. He was much uglier than she was, but it’ll do. 

The guitar barely started before the crowd exploded in whooping again.

“If I could turn back time.” It was one stupid day, one stupid, hastily made assumption that she’d made that ruined everything. “If I could find a way-“ If that day never happened. “I'd take back those things that've hurt you and I’d stay” 

Catra stepped off the stage dramatically slow, head dipped down as she walked toward stand in dude Adora. “I don't know why I did the things I did. I don't know why I said the things I said. Pride's like a knife, it can cut deep inside. Words are like weapons, they wound sometimes.” And boy did she know it. It wasn’t just that night she regretted. It was partially her bipolar disorder, she knew now, but that didn’t mean she hadn’t hurt Adora, their friends time after time. With growth came realizing your mistakes, even if it hurt. But she’d rather erase it all if she could. 

“If I could reach the stars, I'd give 'em all to you. Then you'd love me, love me, like you used to do. If I could turn back time” Catra stepped onto the stool and stood staring at the man the crowd was quickly turning against. She ignored his pleading and “I don’t know her!” yells as all eyes glared in his direction. Catra looked around briefly during the instrumental break. Even the barkeep looked ready to toss this schmuck out. Sorry, Dude Adora. Better him than Catra having to call Adora again. 

She leaned down and grabbed his chin, turning him face to face with her. With all of her heart n’ soul, she sang the words she desperately wanted to tell Adora. “If I could reach the stars, I'd give 'em all to you.” Adora loved the stars. How many nights did they spend in the back of that pick up? Adora would wrap her in a blanket and there they would lay, curled up close, making up stories much gayer than the original constellation mythos. “Then you'd love me, love me, like you used to do.” 

She let him go, stepping down and setting the microphone onto the table and headed to the bathroom door. What, she had to pee. It’s not like she could turn back time, no matter how hard she sang it. 

Hopefully the man would make it out of there in one piece, but all she cared about right now was sweet relief. Catra made it to the corner stall, the best stall and seated herself. That was that. She sang, her friends had a good time, now it was time to go home and cry herself to sleep. They had to be at the airport by noon and maybe once her friends were gone, Adora would go back to being behind her thoughts, instead of smack dab in the front.

She was mid stream when a voice a few stalls over piped up. “So, that call didn’t go well I take it.” Catra reeled, not believing she heard correctly. 

“Bathroom genie?” The laughter sent chills down her far too drunk to handle this spine. “Are you stalking me?! I have claws you know!” 

“Oh yeah sure, I wait in bar restrooms for sad sacks.” Catra scoffed and fixed her mind on the clever bathroom scrawling. The usual, call for good time. Alexis is gay, good for her written underneath. She was halfway down the toilet wisdom scroll when the voice spoke up again. “Would you? If you could? Turn back time?”

Yes, in a heartbeat. Catra was stuck, stuck on what could’ve been. If there was one moment Catra could undo, it would be the day she left without a word. They’d fought before bed the night before. It wasn’t really a fight, since Catra didn’t say why she was mad, but she’d given her the cold shoulder all night after that email. As months went by she just grew angrier, angry at all the voicemails, the pleading. It wasn’t until she started therapy that she unpacked what actually happened. All that anger had turned into dread, pain, and Catra hated it. But she carried it, nursed it until it’d become something like acceptance. Still working on completing the last part, forgiveness. 

“Yes” she said quietly, her eyelids heavy. God, would her bladder ever empty? She was so tired all of a sudden. 

“You sure?” 

“Yes.” She hissed again, fighting to stay awake. Oh hell no, she wasn’t about to pass out on the toilet in a bar. Some things were too low, even for her. 

——

Catra was warm, so warm. This bed was so cozy. That weight across her lap was so comforting. Light seeped through her eyelids and she groaned, grabbing a pillow to put over her eyes. At least she made it into bed this time. 

“Five more minutes Fuma. The airport isn’t busy on Mondays.” Stifled laughter filled the room and the weight across her disappeared with a jangle of metal. Weird, but whatever. Five more minutes before she had to face last nights choices. Got emotional again, sang, again. At least she made it out of that stall, somehow. Oh shit, did they have to drag her out? Five minutes might not be enough. “At least some coffee, please.”

“Auuu, still dreaming babe?” 

Catra’s heart skipped going to her throat and shot straight out of chest. “I’m making breakfast, you don’t want to miss that. Making those waffles you like. I suppose I could shower alone… but I was hoping to make it up to you, whatever it was I did last night.” 

She ripped the pillow off her head and sprung upwards. It took agonizing seconds for her eyes to adjust to the light. Adora was leaning against the dresser, peeling off her running shorts, glistening with sweat in a red sports bra, looking every bit the goddess she was. Adora raised her brows suggestively. “What’d’ya say? Wanna get clean -“ She sent her an exaggerated wink. “with me.” 

The room was spinning and a big yellow lab leapt back up onto the bed, whining and licking at her face. Her hand found its way to Swifty’s head, shaking in disbelief. “What do I-“ she choked, half a second away from passing out or crying, maybe both, she could both. “What- what- the fuck is happening.” 

Chapter Text

All it took was one concerned head tilt from the woman that she thought she’d never see again, and Catra burst into tears. 

“No, no, no. Wake up, I can’t do this.” She’d dreamt about Adora before, obviously, but not like this. This looked so real. There were dreams about vague dates she re-lived. There were dreams where all she was trying to say was “I love you.” and “I’m sorry.” but instead the words that came out were laced with venomous accusations, false ones as she’d come to learn. Catra could never decide which was worse, ones where Adora held her again, or the ones where she repeated the same mistakes, unable to stop herself. 

She sobbed through the lab’s incessant licks. Each soggy lap at her face made her cry harder. They felt so real, his fur felt so real. Catra wrapped him up in her arms and pulled away from Adora as she rushed toward the bed. “I can’t- this isn’t.” Adora started to reach out to her and she flinched away. 

“Hey, shhh it’s okay. It was just a bad dream, babe. I’m here.” Adora laid her hand down next to Catra instead of reaching out again as she settled on the mattress. It dipped down as if there was actual weight on it. Good job dreaming brain, nice little detail there!  

Swifty’s tail thumped against her leg as she attempted to catch her breath. Each lungful brought with it Adora’s rich scent, only made more potent by the sweat on her body. Catra eyed her, waiting patiently with concern on the edge of the bed as Catra tried to recede into the headboard. In panicked eye flicks, she glanced around the room. It was their old bedroom. It was just like she remembered. The Abba poster was even starting to peel off the wall again from the humidity. They never used thumbtacks, paranoid that any little scratch would burn that much needed security deposit away. Catra’s laptop was on top of her dresser, her phone plugged in on the nightstand. 

She moved slowly, leaning and maintaining eye contact on the dream/nightmare in front of her.  With a quick motion she snatched up her phone. See, this was a dream this was… no this wasn’t her phone, not her new one anyway. Just how many details was her brain going to kick up? Still keeping sure that Adora didn’t disappear by keeping her in the periphery, she looked at her lock screen. June 28th. The day she, the day she… no, it was October 29th or 30th, depending on the actual time of her drunken pass out. 

Catra tossed her phone aside and looked at her, really looked at her. Little fly always were sticking out from the tight binds of her ponytail, just like they always did after Adora ran. Her cheeks were rosy from the recent exertion, and looked every bit as kissable since the first shy peck Catra placed there years ago. Those beautiful blue puppy dog eyes even outdid the look from the actual dog who was now licking her ear. With a deep breath, Catra reached out and pinched Adora’s arm.

“Ow!” Adora jerked away, shaking her arm out with a disbelieving laugh. “What the hell was that for?!” 

“You’re… you’re real?” Catra mumbled as she leaned in toward her. Her tail was lashing now, thumping even louder than Swifty’s who finally relented on her now soggy ear. This… was actually happening? The last thing she remembered, which felt like just minutes ago, was that question from her nosy bathroom stalker. If she could… if she could turn back time, would she? Then she had passed out. No fucking way. Nuh, uh. This is insane, she’d lost her mind.

“Yes!” Adora said with another exasperated laugh. She brought her hand up slowly again, giving Catra a chance to shy away if she wanted, but she didn’t. Tingles shot through her body when her cheek bunched up between Adora’s thumb and forefinger. Insane people don’t question their sanity right? This felt too real, her cheek was definitely being pinched. Was her face wedged on the stall door? “You’re supposed to pinch yourself, silly.” The squeeze relaxed into gentle touch. “You okay? That must’ve been one hell of a-“

She pounced, not able to control herself as her lips beelined for the ones she missed so much. Adora nearly slid off the bed from the force of Catra launching herself at her. Her lips were so sweet, sweeter than any memory could ever compare. Even if she was kissing the dirty tile of the bathroom right now, that grout grime tasted just like Adora, and she wasn’t about to stop. Catra paid no mind to Adora’s surprised squeak as she kissed her as if she hadn’t seen her in a thousand years. She kissed her as if the fate of the universe depended on it, as if she were running out of time. She might be, because any moment now Scorpia was going to drag her out of the bathroom and this would all disappear, she wasn’t going to waste a second. 

But she didn’t come to, mortified and embarrassed. No, bathroom genie was actually a genie of some sort, a magical wish granter. She wasn’t about to question it, it could be a demon tricking her out of a soul and she’d take it. Catra’s squeezed into Adora’s shoulders, moved a few inches up, and did it again. “You're real.” She pulled back just long enough to say it again before continuing this weird massage/self assurance of the impossibility beneath her. 

“Yes, I’m real Catra, what’s gotten-“ 

Cut her some slack, she hadn’t kissed her in three goddamn years, and this time it was with tongue! The dizzy ferrousity of her kisses relented eventually, ten, twenty, maybe thirty years later. Adora’s firm and gentle strokes on the small of her back made sure the roaring purr didn’t die down for a second. She tried to stop actually, trying for a moment of clarity, but she was just too unbelievably happy. 

It seemed that there was no use in stopping the rumbling so Catra embraced it by embracing Adora as hard as possible. Catra covered every inch of her as possible. She settled her face into the crook of Adora’s neck and kissed there fervently too. Her scent was so strong and welcoming, even if Adora wasn’t really sweaty anymore as most of Catra’s fur had swept up the droplets. They both stank now, and it was delightful. 

“Well.” Adora cleared her throat. “You’re definitely getting in the shower with me now.” While seeing her beautiful, fantastic, love of her life naked was a sight Catra sorely missed, that would involve separating. Adora could try, to remove her, that is, it wasn’t going to happen. 

“I’ll stink, I don’t care, I'm not moving.” 

Delighted, Catra leaned into the soft touch of Adora’s fingers rubbing on the tip of her ear. “I have to go to work. I don’t think we have time for breakfast now. I was hoping we could talk about that job offer you got. I was a bit too drunk last night to plan. I’m so proud of you! We just need to figure things out until my internship ends. They want you there next week right?” 

That finally killed the purr. Catra sat up and looked down at her. Etheria, the place Catra dreamed about merely visiting since it opened when they were teenagers. She was right, this whole time. Adora just wanted to slow down, plan things out. It’s happening, she could take back the wrong she made, the hurt she caused. No longer an atheist, she was going to sing a million praises to the gods of barrestrooms. “Yeah.” She choked out. “You have four months left right? Then you’re officially licensed?” Adora nodded, smiling up at her. 

“We can figure something out. You could always move there first and -“ 

“No!” Her heart did a big ole ‘fuck no’ clench at the thought of being apart again. “I mean, uh, I’ll see if they can’t wait at least a little bit. It’s very short notice, I’ll uh, give them a call.” Netossa was intimidating at first, but turned out to be the best boss Catra had ever had. She would totally understand, and if not, oh well. Catra had that incredible experience already, and look where it got her. She was hyper aware of the idly tracing fingers along her legs. Like hell would anything part her from this again, this casual affection, those eyes that Catra called home, the little ways Adora loved her. Adora loved her, loved her again. Goddamn it, her eyes were starting to burn again as she fought back tears.

“Hey- hey we can talk about it later, okay? If you wanna call, that's fine. We’ll figure it out. How about we go to Razz’s after I get off work? Celebrate and plan?” Adora leaned up, nuzzling into the soft fur of Catra’s somersaulting stomach.

“Yeah.” Catra leaned down and pressed yet another kiss on her lips. “We’ll figure it out.” She offered little aid as Adora stretched to reach her phone, huffing playfully as Catra’s legs tightened, making it even more difficult. Eventually she plucked it up and frowned. 

“Shoot, I have to eat before work or I’ll be cranky all day. Might not have time for that joint shower after all.” 

“I can make you a smoothie if you want? While you get dressed after? Would that work?” Adora looked genuinely surprised, and she had every right to be. It was such a simple, little thing to do. They’d had their patterns of care, as long as they’d been together. It was hard not too, but even though they did everything together, Catra took for granted just how much Adora did for her. It had basically become an expectation. 

It was easy to see how all the little things built up and disappeared over time, once Catra got some distance. They’d known each other since they had memories, and dated for nearly a decade, even if four of those years were in secret. There were countless times Catra could have done just a small thing, to make Adora’s life just a little easier. She’d just forgotten that she could. Many pebbles does a mountain make, for better or worse. This time, if this was actually happening , Catra was going to be mindful of the pebbles. 

“I mean yeah, that would be great.” Adora arched a brow and adopted a sly smile. “Does that mean…” She trailed off, making her eyebrows bounce suggestively. Catra was on cloud fucking nine and she laughed like it too. Just one more brief kiss first, because she could, she could and would forever and always. She gave Adora a pat before squishing her cheeks together. 

“Yes, Dor. Shower.” 

——

Catra sat completely boneless on the floor of their tiny shower. Holy hell. Absolute-goddamn-banger. Even Adora was breathless and shaking as she toweled off. In fact, Adora looked a little shook. “Hhhmmm ha, I’m seriously considering calling into work now.” Adora stared at the wall with wide eyes. “That was…” She huffed loudly before breaking into giggles. Catra was far too dazed to do anything but continue to stare at her naked … GIRLFRIEND SHE'S GIRLFRIEND AGAIN !

Catra finally snapped back to (reality? Was this reality? ) when Adora cleared her throat. Their eyes met as she worked to wrap up her long hair in a towel. Adora had been staring at Catra staring. Adora’s face was as red as the fresh claw marks on her skin, she even looked a little shy. “You’re so beautiful.” Catra said wistfully. Her stunning form turned away, grabbing a towel for Catra and tossed it at her. 

She caught it before it fell to the watery basin and finally gathered the strength to slide her way up the tile. “You are, and sweet, wonderful. I-“ Catra stopped. If this was really happening, if she was getting a second chance, she could say it, and Adora could actually say it back. “I love you.” 

Adora shook her head, her face a little strained. Nerves started to fire up to get the panic engine roaring at that hesitation, those tight lips, but then Adora laughed. “What’s up with you this morning? That must have been a terrible nightmare. Not sure how taking Perfuma to the airport would fit into it but…” 

“No, Dor. I just… it was a pretty bad dream I guess. It reminded me…I don’t think I show you enough. I’ve always felt it, but, I just always assumed this-“ Catra stepped out and grabbed her arm. “-would always be, but that’s not really how life works. So, this time, I’m going to do it right. I’m going to put you first Adora, always, because I love you.” 

“This time?” Adora said, her face soft but eyes still searching, worried. 

“I mean from now on.” She still wasn’t completely convinced that this was real. Any second now Swifty was going to barge in, suddenly a talking unicorn, and then this will all have been a pleasant dream. But saying something like “Oh, I passed out on a toilet and woke up three years in the past thanks to a wizard woman in another stall.” , probably would ruin this wonderful- whatever this was- just as quickly. I mean,  Adora would totally believe that. “Like I should’ve been doing already.” 

Dark brows furrowed further until she kissed Catra’s forehead, lingering there. “Okay, you don’t have a fever.” She mumbled. 

Catra’s heart wilted a little. Was she really so bad before? There had been plenty of arguments, started by her, but she was a  decent partner at least more often than not, right? That last few months together had been rough for her, searching for work and taking her frustrations out on those around her more than usual. The hurt crept its way up. “Is it so unbelievable that I want you to know how much you mean to me Dor?” Catra said quietly.

“Cat, no of course not, and  I don’t feel like you’ve been putting me last or anything. Last night you were acting like… and this morning, you’ve just been a bit…” Adora stopped there, chewing her lip nervously. 

“Weird?” Catra finished for her and she nodded. “I’m sorry.” She didn’t think she was being weird, given the circumstances, she thought she was playing it at least 3% cool. If this was actually the June, 28th of three years past, Adora probably came back from her run expecting a moping, irritable, ass. That would’ve been better than what actually happened. “I love you, and I just want to make sure you know that.” 

“I do.” Adora kissed her temple and Catra relaxed, just a little. 

“Um, I’m being a bit needy right now? Could you like… say it back… if you do?” She swallowed hard, heart thumping loudly in her chest. What if that was the catch? Go back in time but Adora wasn’t in love with her anymore? Or worse, what if by this point it was too late, and her younger self had sensed that and…

Catra’s worried brows were stopped on their way to furrow town as her face was peppered in little pecks, interspersed between many earth shattering “I love you”’s. The purr was back and it was extra loud in the small space. “Thank you.” 

“Are you sure you’re okay? I can call in if you want me to, Cat.” Her initial response was to give a delighted merp and tuck under Adora’s chin, but she took her time to think. Yes, absolutely. She wanted Adora here, it’s all she’s wanted for years, however a couple of hours to wrap her mind around this whole time travel or extreme delusion thing would be a good idea. It would give her a chance to try to act somewhat normal around Adora too. 

“Yeah, I’m okay. You go get ready while I dry off, and then I’ll get your breakfast and pack your lunch.” She didn’t initiate the kiss this time and it had her claws curling into the floor. 

“Holy shit, holy shit, holy fucking shit.” Catra let out with a shaky breath once Adora slipped out. She kept having to remind herself that she needed to hurry up and dry off to get into the kitchen. Her stupor was pushed to the side successfully, but as she made her way to the door, Catra caught sight of herself in the mirror. There was something glowing faintly on her chest. She tucked her head down and sure enough an almost ghostly, glowing thing was floating just above her fur. When she tried to touch it, her hand went right through it, completely unaffected. 

She bolted to the mirror, taking in the strange light that took shape into something that she has never had forgotten. It was a First One’s sigil, it was the symbol on that painting she’d stood in front of, stunned and in awe at the Etheria office. The glow from the canvas had been intense, brighter than any photo of the painting had ever conveyed. The civilization’s work has been studied relentlessly, and no one could figure out what made it glow. On her chest, was the same symbol on the painting back dropped with countless swirling, speckled stars. Heart, she was carrying the sigil of the heart just above her flesh. The fuck? 

Catra rushed out of the bathroom and ran up to a startled Adora, almost making her trip as she slipped on her slacks. “Do you see anything here?!” She rushed out, chest puffed up. Adora’s eyes landed on… they landed on her tits. 

“I see two good friends of mine.” Catra rolled her eyes and poked at the faint glowing on her sternum. Adora’s hand came up and she ran her fingers self indulgently through the tuft of fur. “It does look fluffier than usual.” 

“Thought so.” Catra said quietly. If Adora could see it, and hadn’t said anything about it already, it would make this whole situation even more confusing. 

“I kinda wanna put a little bow in it.” Catra bit her lip, trying to contain a smile that came through in spite of the glowing, floating mystery attached to her. Holy hell did she miss this dork. How could she have ever left her.

“So not happening.” Catra leaned in for another kiss when Adora’s hands grabbed onto one of her “two good friends.” and they both pulled away with a groan. If the price to pay for this was carrying around an invisible to everyone else glowing sigil from her favorite painting, how would she ever go on? What a terrible, awful, burden to shoulder. Catra grinned wildly at her dork. “Alright, breakfast, and you need to go.” 

“But Do I?” 

Unfortunately, yes she did. Catra had barely been able to finish her tasks in time because the fact that she was actually in their old tiny apartment continuously stunned her. If she wasn’t convinced that she wasn’t a dream before, the dream-like daze that overcame her helped. You don’t typically get that ‘dream-like’ feeling if you’re in one, you’re just in it.

Catra watched from the window as Adora and Swifty got in the car. She stayed there until the vehicle was well out of sight. After she turned around, Catra sank into the couch, looking around the living room. The piles of dusty, untouched DVD’s in the tv stand were there. The messily made “live, laugh, fuck” embroidery Catra had done when Perfuma had tried to teach her was on the wall. The coffee table had the same countless rings on it when they’d dragged it out of the dumpster. It was all coming back to her, this was the home she made with Adora. If she checked under the kitchen sink, Hank, the spider would still be there. This was real. 

She shot up off the couch fists in the air and started to sprint around their apartment. “THANK YOU TOILET GENIE! OR WHOEVER THE FUCK YOU ARE!!!” She would’ve done cartwheels if there was room for it. After three or so laps Catra dove head first onto the bed, their bed, and snatched up Adora’s pillow. Her scent was everywhere, not just the ghost of it. Still clutching it, she rolled off just as quickly and moved to her dresser, pulling out an old t-shirt that didn’t make it in the coward dash years ago. As she pulled it out she wondered if Adora had tossed it back then. Nope, doesn’t matter, not anymore. 

Three years seemed so long ago. She felt like an entirely different person than who she used to be. This apartment was so familiar and yet felt like a museum of what she had taken for granted. Well, she was here now. This place and Adora wasn’t all she had failed to cherish. There was time to kill before it was late enough in the day to call Netossa, and that meant she had time to appreciate other people too before she would be embracing the love of her life again. 

After slipping on a pair of jeans, searching like a madwoman for a set of keys she tossed somewhere over three years ago, she headed for the door. Before she left though, Catra opened a cupboard to check under the kitchen sink. 

“Carry on, Hank.” The hairy, eight legged roommate stilled at the sudden influx of light.

——

Compared to the city, Brightmoon was quaint. She hated it, or at least she thought she had. It was too big to be considered a small town, but it had felt so suffocatingly familiar when she used to walk these streets. There was always a face she’d seen before around every other corner. It was full of people that thought they knew her, judged her. In the city with its hundreds of thousands, no one gave a fuck about her, nobody knew anything about her to judge. At least that was the idea. Well, ignoramus Catra, guess what? That old lady you ran into constantly at the market, she was actually just waving, not waving with pity because your cart was filled with groceries marked down for quick sale. Those coupons she offered you? She did that to everyone when she had ones she wasn’t going to use. She was such an idiot, and when she realized what her malfunctioning brain had done, the meaning of the city changed. There was no one who gave a fuck about her, there was no one who cared. So many people, and not a one knew Catra D’ruth.

There was still a sliver of hesitation as she headed outside. Catra was going back and forth on whether or not to believe this was happening, and could anyone blame her? She walked around, observing building signs (you can’t read in a dream) so that relaxed her a bit, and when she made it to her destination without any giant shrimp falling from the sky or hitting an invisible wall, she was feeling pretty good. 

Catra held the door of Salineas Cafe open for the Star sisters as they finished their usual morning run for coffee. Every morning that the bookstore across the street was open, one or more of the siblings made their way over to get their work day started.

Catra had worked here for a few semesters before Seahawk bought the place with insurance money from his suspiciously burned down house. A bit of accidental arson worked out for him, because now the pyromaniac could roast beans instead of residential buildings. 

They waved and said their thank you’s with a groggy haze. She was thankful that they had probably seen her around recently, unlike Catra who hadn’t seen them in years. So there was no “Oh wow! I haven’t seen you in ages!” where Catra likely would have to once more, ask who they were beyond the fact that they shared the same last name. She didn’t remember their names, but time wasn’t the problem. She’d written their initials and names on cups hundreds of times, but couldn’t be bothered to remember them. Customer service had never been her strong suit, coupled with being bipolar making a second's hesitation in ordering a cue for her blood to start boiling. It was a good thing she was hot, or she wouldn’t have ever gotten any tips. 

“Nuh-uh” Mermista said flatly as Catra walked in, and greeted the second most attractive woman to ever work here. An accusatory finger was pointed at her as the blue haired woman behind the counter ignored the customer who looked like he was in the middle of ordering. “You don’t get to walk in here, smiling so innocently after wrecking all of us last night.” 

Catra balked, her mantra to play it cool after not seeing her after so long went right down the drain and instead she was one confused magicat. “What are you talking about Merms?” 

Mermista scoffed, yanking the cash out the man's hand and waving him off. Why did people come here? People must have a thing for mean baristas. “Don’t give me that shit. I know you can sing but that , was just rude. Seahawk cried the entire rest of the night. I’m glad you’re not allowed to sing it again. Poseidon help me, even you looked like you were about to burst into tears, like Adora was just going to up and vanish on you.”

Catra’s ears were twitching a mile a minute in confusion. Uh, what? She vividly remembered her passive aggressive, droll performance of The Proclaimers’ I’m on my way , about Adora (perceived) refusal to move for Catra’s dream being the song of the night to go along with her icy demeanor. 

“Just get what you’ve come for and leave before Seahawk gets back and starts bawling again.” Catra definitely didn’t remember anyone crying that night. Maybe they were just drunk and lost in their own little worlds. Whenever Mermista started downing them she stopped denying her undying love for her husband instead of pretending not to know him. She chuckled to herself, remembering nights where the man’s sea shanties on the mic had a hardcore audience of Mermista and Bow, arm in arm as the sailor wannabe “sang”.

“I have no clue what the hell you’re talking about but uh, I was actually hoping to hang out here a bit today. I have a call to make later and I don’t think I’ve had my fill of your warm, welcoming demour recently.” 

“Oh, so you were wasted then?” Catra just shrugged. She wasn’t but maybe that night went differently than she remembered. Catra had been wrong about quite a bit pertaining to Adora anyway, it wouldn’t be the first time she tuned out the world in her unnecessary wallowing. “Could’ve fooled me. Are you drunk right now? I don’t think you’ve spent more than five minutes at a time here in the last few months. If you miss it that bad, why don’t you get behind this counter.”

“Hell, depending on this call, I might take you up on that. Having a hard time finding people to put up with your charming personality?” Honestly, Mermista was one of her favorite of Adora’s acquisitions to their lives. From the beginning she could go toe to toe with Catra in snark without getting heated like Sparkles used to. The back and forth flirting was empty but it always got both of their partners extra jocky and competitive for some reason. Getting flattered and watching Adora flex? Yup, Mermista was always a good time, when Catra could be bothered to actually spend time with her.

“I know I’m obviously too cool for most people.” Mermista said dryly as she grabbed a cup and drew a cat face on it. “The problem is my husband is just too…” She trailed off, and started pulling the espresso shot for Catra that she definitely didn’t order. Tea, to calm her down from this whirlwind, was what she was going to order. The few years of managing the huge staff at Etheria told her that yup, sure, Seahawk was totally the problem.

“Himself?” Catra finished for her. “I love him but damn is he an acquired taste.” Mermista gave her a raised brow as she slowly handed her the drink she never ordered. After a few seconds Catra felt the heat bloom in her cheeks. Right, the whole casual admission of fondness wasn’t her . She cleared her throat. “Well, I’m gonna take a seat in the back. When the morning rush calms down I’ll head up here, keep you company.” Mermista’s eyebrows reached their vertical limit. “If you want.”

“Someone’s got to admire me while I keep this place afloat, might as well be you.” 

——

Catra spent most of the morning distracting herself from the situation she’d found herself in. Her and Mermista were able to slip into casual conversation as she watched the clock for the timezones to at least be on a not-ass-early equilibrium. 

They would be shooting flirty or snide comments back and forth as Catra reacquainted herself with the current news, and then she’d get dizzy at the thought it wasn’t current news at all. Catra even requested a song that she liked to focus on that wasn’t out for another year and half.

Maybe she should have just stayed at home and waited for Adora to get back. It was just before the gallery should open for the day now though, and she wasn’t even sure if she wanted it anymore. If Netossa could wait four months (fat chance), Catra wasn’t sure she wanted to leave this town at all. She had Adora, she had her friends, and while the job was everything she’d wanted, it wasn’t here. There were a few people she would miss, Spinnerella and Netty of course, the lesbian ‘moms’ her gay heart didn’t know she needed. Then there was Double Trouble, who lived up to their name. Nine times out of ten when she went out for a drink, the drag performer was there. They saw each other enough that they started to hang out and… yes, she has woken up in handcuffs before when DT was involved. So becoming the local “sad girl” singer hadn’t been all that bad. The throuple that worked under her had also become sort of friends. It was a fuzzy line that she toe’d with them but the occasions outside of the gallery that they had found themselves all in the same spot, Lonnie, Kyle, and Rogelio were easy company. They reminded her of the people she left behind here. All those people though, wouldn’t be any worse off without her, and who knows, they might make their way to that part of the country someday anyway. The important thing was that she had Adora, and to cherish that like she always should have. 

Melog was the big if here, but he wouldn’t even exist for another two months at least. Catra intended on adopting the mom after the kittens were all grown up, but someone else beat her to it, which was fine because when that kitten opened its eyes and they were just like hers, it was a done deal. She had time, as long as tomorrow would come and she wasn’t having the world's most vivid drunk dream.

When Catra eventually stepped outside the conversation went about how she expected it to go. For one, she almost called her Netty, not a good start, the woman would’ve balked at the familiarity coming from a hire prospect, especially given the position that she’d applied for. 

It wasn’t much of a surprise either when Netossa said the most she could give her was another week. Spinnerella, Netty’s wife, had been happier with Catra’s arrival than Netossa even was. For years all of her wife’s free time was pulled into the gallery. It was just a few weeks after Catra’s arrival that Netossa took her first vacation in years, even then she’d called daily Catra to make sure her plans for the gallery’s transition for the next show was going smoothly. 

It was with a much lighter heart than she expected when she thanked Netossa for the opportunity but was turning it down. 

“I can’t leave my family.” 

Catra stared down at her old cellphone, the words she’d told Netossa spinning around in her head again. Family. Adora is hands down the most important person in her life, but there was more here than just her here. Catra should have spent more time with Scorpia, Entrapta and even Adora’s dorky friends. It was better this way. Adora always seemed hesitant to move whenever Catra had talked about getting the hell out of this town. There was no doubt now that she would have left for Catra, retrospection showed that Adora had and would do just about anything for her. So, Catra was going to do this for Adora, as well as herself. 

Mermista eyed Catra’s easy smile suspiciously as she walked back into the now quiet cafe. “So, when are you moving out of here? I’ll be glad to not have to fight for most attractive person in a 100 mile radius.” 

Catra’s smile only grew wider as she laughed. Shaking her head, she pointed at the ‘Now Hiring’ sign taped to the door. “I’m afraid you’re going to still have competition, here even, if you’ll have me.”

—-

Catra had forgotten just how piss poor broke they were when she went to buy flowers. It was a big beautiful bouquet she had Perfuma arrange for her. Pink roses and carnations, bright yellow lilies, perfectly framing a large and delicate sunflower in the center. Sunflowers always reminded her of Adora, even before everything reminded her of Adora.

She didn’t bat an eyelash when the total came to over one hundred dollars, her card did though. Catra felt herself flush after her initial confusion waned. It wasn’t like Perfuma could un cut the flowers. She just had to wait around for something worthy of her labor, hadn’t she. Catra had been unemployed for months, waiting for the right position to keep from marring her postgraduate resume. God, why did Adora stay with her? More importantly, how had she let herself become this person after high school? It was one thing to go over her past in therapy, it was another to come face to face with consequences in real time. 

Perfuma let her have the flowers anyway, because she was the good person Catra strived to be. So now she sat patiently waiting for Adora and Swifty in what had become their booth at the diner. Third from back, where they would pour over homework together for hours nursing coffee refills and nibbling on shared pancakes. 

“Special occasion, deary?” Razz asked as she placed two mugs down and the steel coffee pot. 

“Not really.” Catra replied with a flush, shifting the flowers awkwardly in her lap. It was though, it was the start of a better future. Flowers today, but hopefully a few months later, a few months of getting things right, she was going to do what she should have done already, and ask Adora to marry her. She’d spent enough time without Adora to know that she never wanted to do that again. “It’s good to see you again. I don’t think I’ve been in for a while.” 

The crazy old bat, to which Catra always referred to as such lovingly, stared at her, really stared at her. The ridiculously thick glasses that enlarged her eyes to a cartoonish level lifted for a moment, but Catra didn’t have time to recover from the shock of seeing her perfectly normal looking eyes underneath before the bug eyes returned. 

“Ahh. I see. Well, good luck dear.” 

“You see what?” Catra asked, confused. Razz waved her off, mumbling incoherently as she walked away. Catra was about to ask again when the bell on the door rang, announcing the arrival of her beautiful scrub wearing dork and her service hound. 

There were dark bags under her eyes, her cheeks sucked in, obviously still chewing on them. It must have been a rough day. Catra didn’t think that when Adora went into physical therapy as a practice that it would be this draining on her, not like nursing or being a doctor. Adora didn’t typically see patients terminally ill, or dying, like those professions did, but she still took it really hard watching the people under her care at the practice struggle to find their feet again. Kids were the toughest for Adora, even when they didn’t snap in frustration like some of the adults did. 

Hopefully Catra could make today better for her though with this news and a night of snuggling. 

“Hey, beautiful. Come here often?” Catra said slyly as she stood up, pulling the flowers out with her. The tired smile Adora gave her as she walked in turned up full force enough to pull at Catra’s heart strings.

Catra arched to keep Adora from crushing the flowers as she leaned down to kiss her. She didn’t bother to quiet her purr when they slid into the booth, Adora smiling as she dipped her nose into the bouquet for the fourth time already. “You like em?” 

Adora rolled her eyes, and set the flowers down onto the table. “Yes, of course, but you already know that. What’s the occasion? Is this to celebrate your job? I should’ve gotten you flowers!” 

“No, no occasion. I just wanted to get you something as nearly as pretty as you are.” Catra knew she was laying it on thick, but she also didn’t plan on stopping any time soon, especially with the way Adora side eye’d her with a flustered huff. How she missed that. “Rough day at work?” She asked softly once both Adora and Swifty got settled. 

“Yeah.” Adora sighed. “But I want to talk about your job offer first, I’m so excited for you. We can start looking for places if you want, if you got that later start.” 

Catra had to stop her tail from twitching. She’d definitely made the right choice. Adora was always supportive and patient with her, even when she shouldn’t have been. There were many times that Catra was out of line in an argument, but Adora flexed anyway. The tone of her voice held excitement sure, but there was also a layer of fear there. Adora didn’t want to move, she would though if Catra asked. Well, she wasn’t going to ask. 

“About that. I do I have a new job, I start back at Silenias next week!” You know, the kind of job she swore she’d never work again. Adora nearly choked on her coffee trying unsuccessfully to hide her surprise, given that there was liquid dribbling down her chin from it.

“Oh really? That’s great! So they did let you put it off? That’ll make moving easier, with you bringing in money too.” 

Catra’s smile grew even bigger toward the dork. They could stay here, Catra could have Adora back and actually get to love the place she so stupidly only saw as a shitty steppingstone. “Nope. Actually, I turned it down. She couldn’t wait.”

Adora stopped mid wipe of her face, face scrunched in confusion.

“I uh, didn’t want to leave you.” Catra explained, sipping joyfully from her own mug.

“It’s just a few months, Catra.” 

She was about to wave her off playfully, but there was a wavering desperation in Adora’s voice that curtailed Catra’s grin. She reached across to Adora’s hand, pulling herself to lean closer as she did so. “I know, but I know that you don’t really want to leave here either.” 

“But you do?” Adora said, and unless Catra had completely forgotten her best friend, the love of her life, her soulmate, the words sounded almost accusatory.

“I mean sure, I did, but I don’t anymore. I missed… I’d miss this place too much. Our friends.” Catra shrugged, trying her best to act like it wasn’t the easiest decision she’d ever made . It was the truth, but only a sliver of it. Can’t really dig her heels into the “been there, done that.” She needed a little bit of the old her mixed in, the one who didn’t think she cared about that stuff.

Adora sat up, and took a deep breath, her hand gripping Catra’s firmly. Swifty whined under the table. Catra could feel him wiggling as he shifted to stand up.

“What do you mean-“ Adora shook her head, and continued with a lot less bite in her voice. “-you don’t want to leave here? Just last week you were talking about how you could wait to leave this dump .”

Catra’s mouth hung open, searching for something to say. How the hell could she explain this?

“I know-“ Adora cut her off with a short laugh, the kind of laugh you give when you’re running late for work only to walk outside to flat tire, one of disbelief.

“You’ve wanted to live in a city since we were kids, you’ve wanted to work there for years.” Adora wasn’t even looking at Catra anymore, she was staring at the tabletop, obviously trying to make sense of her sudden change of heart.

“I know, Dor.” Catra said calmly, watching Adora’s throat bob uneasily. “-but look… I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to leave you, okay? I changed my mind. What’s so wrong with that?” Catra said this all calm and evenly, as if Adora were a deer she’d stumbled on in the woods. This wasn’t a fight though, or at least Catra thought. They’d had their tats before, both of them flying off the handle, each of them ill equipped for conflict. It’s not like they had the best teacher in that department. They usually fought together in that home, but when it came to each other, it had been a learning process. 

The continued silence from Adora made her fur stand on end. With more deep breaths and Swifty’s support now that he’d made it onto the booth, Adora finally looked at her again. “And what about a few months from now Cat?” She said shakily. 

She looked so hurt, and Catra couldn’t keep her ears from pinning back in fear and confusion.

“There’s nothing wrong with you changing your mind, but what about when you change it again? When get upset about something again and you hold it over me that you stayed for me?” 

Catra cringed, taking that hard to swallow statement but choking it down anyway. Yup, not always the best partner, or a good person. Mental illness or not, she did some horrible things. Nothing absolutely awful, but toxicity compounds. She knew it came from that foster home now, Shadow using each of them to control the other. They were kids, both doing the best they could, but Adora’s way of handling it all back then still rubbed her raw sometimes, even with years of therapy. The person who Adora thought she saw across the table didn’t put in that work yet though. “That’s not going to happen Dor-“

“I know it’s…. I know you can’t always help it but that shit hurts Catra. I can’t-“ 

Her heart was hammering as Adora stood, but Catra held on to that hand that was still in hers, the beautiful and powerful fingers that caressed and calmed her through so much. “I can’t have you throw away your dream for me . I can’t handle that kind of pressure.” 

“It’s not just for you Adora. I-” Catra stood but her words fell short when Adora pulled Catra’s hand up to her lips, kissing the back of it between shaking breaths. “I love you so much, Catra.” Catra’s heart fell to the floor as Adora dropped her hand and blinked back tears. “I need some time. I think…… I think I need to take a break .”

“Are you…”

“No- I… I don’t know. I just can’t, can’t keep doing this. I can’t be responsible for your…throwing your dream away. A dream that was in reach. I can’t be the reason Catra.” Swifty whining grew louder, and his pawing more incessant. “I think I'm going to stay with Glimmer tonight. I just… I need space to think.” 

As soon as a noise of panicked protest left Catra’s lips, Adora's chest started to heave, so she clamped her mouth shut. One thing Catra had always been proud of, was not being a source of a panic attack. No matter how bad their arguments got, she never pushed Adora that far. Not that she knew of anyway. 

Catra could do nothing but watch in stunned silence as Adora made her way to the door with the hand not holding the leash whip back and forth in anxious stimming. She knew that their relationship wasn’t the best in the world, but she hadn’t really considered that a decision like this could warrant a response like that. There were things from their past that Catra would never do, say again, but the two of them together had always seemed right. It was them against the world, no matter what happened between them, but that was a part of the problem.

When Adora kissed her back this morning, said “I love you.” Catra really, foolishly thought that she could have this again, that it would be easy to love Adora the way she always deserved to be now that Catra was aware of the toxic ways her brain and the scars left by the evil witch of a foster mother prevented her from being her true, loving, empathetic self most of the time. 

The door closed behind Adora after a heartbreaking sob reached Catra. Catra had thought she’d forgiven herself, but in the face of what wasn’t an unfair accusation from Adora, it was clear who she really needed forgiveness from. She sat back down as Adora walked out of view, holding one arm tight across her chest as her tail lashed and vision strained. 

Did she really get a second chance to just be basically broken up with? Was leaving without a word in the night really the best thing she’d ever done for Adora? Their relationship hadn’t been that awful had it? Sure, there were moments, from both of them, that after her therapist talked it out with her had obvious roots in their childhood but that didn’t really excuse them now did it? Did they only stay together as long as they had because- no. That was Weaver talking. Yes, Catra had gotten worse, but there was nothing so terrible that Catra could remember that could outshine all the good her and Adora made together. Perhaps Adora felt differently but it’s not like she could ask at this moment. Speculation and assumption is what tore them apart in the first place. 

What was this then? Why did Adora not even want to hear her out? Catra swallowed hard and reached out for the flowers left on the table. For the first time today, after all her leariness and hoping, she wanted this to have all been an awful dream.  A cruel karma for that out of line, drunken phone call. Wake up. Catra squeezed her eyes shut. The flowers smelt so real, so present. Wake up. Her ears twitched at a clicking behind her, but she pressed on. Wake up. The stems leaked between her fingers as she squeezed. Wake up. Catra ignored the whirring, clicking and the fall of footsteps. Any moment now, lesson well learned. Surely she didn’t need to stay in this nightmare where she got to taste Adora again only to have fucked up even worse somehow. 

“Gah! Cursed first ones, always meddling. I want a different song.” 

Catra opened her eyes, turning slowly in her seat in time to see Razz smacking the jukebox on the back wall with a broom. 

“What did you just say Razz?” 

The old woman let out a frustrated growl and turned around, broom now threateningly held toward Catra. Her eyes unmistakably flicked toward Catra’s chest that set Catra lurching forward. “This is why you don’t mess with the first ones. Mara, I swear. Now my jukebox is broken. You better fix this young lady.” 

You bet your ass Catra followed Razz behind the counter, dodging every swipe of the broom as she begged the old coot to stop and talk to her. She pulled on the door to the office until Catra’s muscles strained but that doorknob wouldn’t budge. Her ears didn’t pick up any response every single desperate plea Catra shouted at the door either. In a daze she shuffled back into the empty dining room, and the moment her gaze landed on the jukebox, the sigil on her chest blazed to life with a bright and brief flash of brilliant light. 

There was a wide selection of songs, but the machine would only flit back and forth between two. “I Will Always Love You.” and of course “If I Could Turn Back Time.” So, two of the songs she epic sad girled to. One of which got her into this situation. Catra held her breath and hit play. 

She held her breath until her lungs were screaming because as Cher belted, nothing happened. The final notes rang out and Catra was still standing there. She hit play once more, and once more Catra stood there like an idiot for four minutes waiting for something to happen. Maybe it was something else? It really was all she wanted, to fix this, to make it right. It wouldn’t be easy, there was a lot Catra needed to make up for.

“I didn’t really mean to hurt you.” Catra mumbled the lyric, tasting the truth of it on her tongue and the heart flared out a flash of light once more. Catra blinked repeatedly, finger hovering over the play button. 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” She glared down at the sigil. “Are you serious?” There were still no other signs of life in the diner, but she looked around anyway while her cheeks burned. This was ridiculous. Sighing she pressed play again and cleared her throat. 

“If I could turn back time

If I could find a way

I'd take back those words that have hurt you” Catra was muttering and the heart was glowing but with a meek light. 

“Oh come on!” The heart’s light faded to near nothingness. Growling, Catra closed her eyes. She closed her eyes and thought about why she was here. She thought about her jaw dropping smile, the warmth of her arms and earnestness in every kiss. She thought about every sunset and sunrise they shared, and how she didn’t want to miss another one without Adora.

Catra picked back up easily where Cher had sung on without her. This time, she poured herself into the words.

“I didn't really mean to hurt you

I didn't wanna see you go

I know I made you cry, but baby

If I could turn back time.” 

The light behind her eyelids grew brighter, and a heavy gentle warmth covered her torso. She blinked against the light as her eyes adjusted. Swifty was waging happily as he laid across her. Adora was sweating, one hand was on the dresser as she balanced herself, kicking off her running shoes. “Morning.” Adora said breathlessly with a smile. “Wanna join me in the shower?”