Work Text:
Today I will wear my white button-down
I'm tired of wanting more
I think I'm finally worn
The U.A uniforms are tailored fit, a white button-down, a blazer, slacks, and a tie. Shouto wakes up everyday and he puts on the white button-down; he never stumbles on the buttons. It is ironed and pressed and ready to be worn. The uniform smells of his laundry soap, lavender, it’s a little too powerful for him. People on his way to school stare at his uniform. U.A the top hero school in the country
When he was a child, Endeavor bought him a mini U.A uniform. He covered it with ice, he was so angry he couldn’t breath. But here he is in his white button-down, he is still angry but he’s wearing a white button-down. He guesses that he must of lost some of his resolve in the years since those days, it must have all worn down. He remembers thinking that he would never be a hero like his father, but here he is at the gates of U.A, a hero in training. He wonders if he didn’t become a hero what would that make him? some civilian with too much knowledge, or wasted potential with the perfect quirk. And if he didn’t become a hero what would make his childhood? Wasted time and effort for a dream, an endeavor, that would never come to forwishen. Shouto will become a hero because what else can he do, want more?
For you have a way of promising things
And I've been a forest fire
I am a forest fire
Midoriya promises that things would get better if he tells someone. Midoriya promises that he will help and that he will be there for him and that people will help him. And Shouto can’t help but wonder if Midoriya really plans on keeping all these promises. Shouto has made few promises but out of them he’s broken most. The promise to himself to never be a hero, and to never use his fire power. He promises Fuyumi to be careful and his mother to always smile. Shouto has a way of breaking promises but Midoriya keeps making them. Small one too. He promises that he’ll buy Shouto soba, and that he’ll take him shopping. He wonders if he would ever be able to make promises like Midoriya does and he wonders if he could ever smile like Midoriya does.
Shouto doesn’t tell anyone because he doesn’t have too. His father says he will be better and Shouto will believe him. He will believe him until he can’t. And even if he is lying, Shouto doesn’t have to see him much anymore anyway. Shouto is fine with the schedule, they seem to have worked out, Shouto will come and have dinner on Saturday with Fuyumi, his father will come home at around seven and Shouto will leave. At every dinner Fuyumi will tell him about how their father is trying to get better and Shouto will nod. And at every dinner Fuyumi will ask him to stay and eat with their father and Shouto will say he can’t.
Although his father is trying, the anger doesn’t seem to go away and Shouto doesn’t want it to. Shouto wants to be angry, he knows anger and rage and he knows what comes with it, he knows how to handle it. Shouto has been burning since he was a child and how does one put out a fire that no one knows the size of. A fire that burns and leaves charred trees and ash on the ground. Shouto has been burning since he was a child but the ash doesn’t stain his clothes anymore, he wears his perfect white button-down.
And I am the fire and I am the forest
And I am a witness watching it
I stand in a valley watching it
And you are not there at all
Shouto is burning and High End doesn’t change that. Shouto watches and he wonders what he would do if Endeavor died and he questions how his life would change if he did die. Shouto doesn’t want his father dead but he doesn’t know if he could ever forgive him. Shouto cares whether his father is alive or not, maybe for his sister and maybe for himself but even though he cares he knows that it doesn’t really change anything. Shouto is burning and his father dying won’t change that. Shouto is watching. Shouto is standing in U.A’s common room and he is watching his father, he is watching Endeavor and he hopes he doesn’t die. Endeavor never will be his hero, but Endeavor is a hero and the world needs heroes. And maybe the hero he knew from his childhood is gone and maybe he is watching that hero die.
When the battle is done Shouto goes up to his dorm room and he lays on the tatami mats not even bothering to get the futon out. The mats feel like they always have, woven and delicate, easy to burn. The room is exactly how all of his rooms have always looked, there is no need for trinkets or posters or anything of the such. The gifts he gets from friends he puts in the wardrobe, so no one can find them. Even back in his old room he used to do this he would place anything special to him under layers of clothes and he would hope no one would care enough to look.
All of the rooms in the Todoroki household have floors made of tatami mats. The tatami mats are special, they don’t burn. They always stay exactly the same, ash or soot may fall on them but they don't burn. They even had tatami mats in the training rooms. Endeavor used to send fireballs straight at his feet but the fireballs never burned the mats. Somedays Shouto wondered if Endeavor was trying to burn the tatami mats away, burn them to a crisp. Shouto doesn’t train with Endeavor anymore, he wonders what Endeavor burns nowadays. Shouto is burning but so is his father. Endeavor is burning but there is ash on his hands and on his clothes and the smell of it surrounds him even on days where he smells just a bit more of lavender.
So today I will wear my white button-down
I can at least be neat
Walk out and be seen as clean
The day after the High End fight Shouto gets up and puts on his white button-down. There is no ash on his finger but he can’t help but feel like there is a smudge of it on his shirt. The shirt smells of lavender and today he thinks it’s quite pleasant, maybe it will cover up the scent of ash. He goes to the common room and nobody's there yet. So he sits alone in his uniform at the table and he eats his breakfast. Bakugou is the next one up. He stares at Shouto for a second before going to the fridge. They don’t talk and Shouto is fine with that. Shouto leaves after that, he’s going to see his father.
A driver picks him up, Fuyumi is already in the car. They don’t talk, they don’t need to. Maybe Fuyumi smells the ash on his shirt and if she does she doesn’t say anything.
The hospital is like any other, cold and smelling of disinfectant. Their father isn’t awake yet and the doctors say that he might be asleep for a little longer. They don’t really talk much in the hospital either, both are okay to sit in the silence.
After a while Shouto decides to leave. Fuyumi tried to get him to stay longer so she could drop him off but he doesn’t think that he can stay much longer, the smell of the disinfectant is giving him a headache. The walk to the train station isn’t bad, there’s a nice breeze. Shouto can feel people looking at him, he’s wearing his U.A uniform. He didn’t have to wear the uniform, but the routine of it all made him feel better. His U.A uniform is clean and neat and when he is seen in his U.A uniform that is what people see: a clean and neat boy who isn’t burning and doesn’t smell of ash.
And I'll go to work and I'll go to sleep
And I'll love the littler things
I'll love some littler things
Shouto goes back to school and Endeavor goes back to work. They are both still burning but maybe a little less. Shouto goes to dinner with Fuyumi, Natsuo and his father and watches. He watches Natsuo storm out and he watches his father's reaction. He doesn’t get angry, he doesn’t lash out and Shouto wants to laugh. He doesn’t know exactly why but sleeping is a little easier that night.
Shouto has friends and he thinks he quite likes it. Izuku keeps the promise he made and he takes Shouto shopping and even buys him a bowl of soba. Bakugou is loud and he is burning but Shouto is too. Yaoyorozu is smart and he enjoys going over lessons with her. He has friends and they do not burn with him.
Shouto connects with his family more and it fills a gap in him that he doesn’t know was there. He texts Natsuo and he visits his mother and he spends time with Fuyumi and he sits just for a bit next to Touya altar. He even calls his father back a few times and they have conversations, awkward and stilted but conversations.
Every day Shouto gets up and puts on his white button-down which smells of lavender and maybe a little of ash. He has friends and he has family and he loves them. He makes promises he plans on keeping and smiles a bit more. He’s still burning, but maybe when the fires clears there will be room for new growth.