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Josh hugged Jun closer to him, unnerved by the quiet stillness that had taken over the other man. He hadn’t been himself recently. It was hard to tell with Jun, a wild combination of hyperactive and quiet, but the years together had been a quick teacher for the rest of Seventeen. Josh had taken it upon himself as the oldest of the foreigners to check in with them, make sure they felt at home. Of course, Hansol really didn’t see anywhere but here as his home anymore, and Minghao had become a chameleon of mindfulness and adaptation.
But Jun.
Josh always kept an eye on Jun. He took being away from home hard. Not on the surface. But in the little things. And right now, Josh could tell that there was something troubling him.
“It’s stupid,” Jun mumbled, not pulling away from Josh, but not really making any move to reciprocate the hug. Josh kept his arms loose around him, ready for him to push or pull as needed.
“Maybe it is. Maybe it isn’t. Won’t know till you tell me,” Josh smiled at Jun’s sigh. He loved that sound of proving someone right.
“They don’t make it right,” Jun mumbled.
“What was that, love?” Josh asked, leaning down to hear him better.
“No one can make my mom’s soup. It doesn’t taste right,” Jun mumbled, pulling away from the hug to fiddle with the pulled string of his sleeve.
“Have you tried asking her for the recipe?”
“I don’t want the recipe!” Jun snapped, letting his hands hit his lap in frustration, “I just…I don’t want to make it. I just want to taste it. If I make it, I know I made it. I want…I want someone else to make it for me,” Jun struggled, frustrated tears welling in his eyes that appeared as quickly as he swiped them away. “I know it sounds stupid and selfish a-and childish. But I just. I miss soup, you know? I miss just, just having it.”
Josh felt a pang in his chest as his own feelings were spoken back to him from someone else. The older man placed his hands atop the youngers, prying them from where they bunched anxiously against his legs. “You know, I cried the other day because nowhere sells good milkshakes?” He giggled at Jun’s expression, “Seriously. I just…we used to go out for milkshakes sometimes, on the pier. And I didn’t want to make one. I just wanted to go and buy one. In English. From someone I knew, somewhere I knew.”
He watched Jun’s expression lighten as he continued, “It’s not stupid, and it’s not selfish. We…we grew up somewhere else. There are things engrained in us. Its experience’s and tastes and smells and you forget how precious they are. Until you can’t get them.”
“I would never want to leave any of you,” Jun hurried out and Josh shushed him gently.
“Of course. I wouldn’t either. But we can still miss things, okay?” Josh waited until Jun smiled, linking their arms together tightly, hands now clasped in Jun’s lap. “And I know you have Mignhao, and I have Hansol, but it’s still different. It’s being surrounded by just…different people. Reading Korean takes energy. Talking in Korean takes energy. It’s okay to be tired, Junhui. It’s okay.”
Jun continued to nod, squeezing Joshua’s hand back, “Yeah. Yeah. It doesn’t stop me from feeling guilty.”
“Hey,” Josh hit him lightly, “Never, never feel guilty about this. We got to visit L.A. I’ve gotten go home. You haven’t been home in years. So never feel guilty for feeling alone or lost or homesick, okay? I don’t blame you. No one would ever blame you. We know how hard it is. Not everyone may be able to fully feel it, but we know. You aren’t alone.”
Jun nodded again, breathing finally calm and nose only a little pink from crying, “I think…I think it also scares me. Knowing that because of all of you…home may not be home anymore? I miss…I miss everything I used to do. But I know that if I went back there, I’d miss you all even more. I’m sorry, that doesn’t make sense,” Jun trialed off, heels bouncing vigorously. Josh smiled gently, and as softly and slowly as he could, turned to the other man, gently cupping his face.
“No. I think I know exactly what you mean. I feel the same.”
Jun sighed in relief, “Okay. Okay, that’s good. I mean, not good, but…nice.”
Josh smiled, pressing a kiss to Jun’s forehead, politely ignoring the other man’s blush, “If you ever want to just talk about home, I’m here okay? You can use google maps or something, give me a tour of your hometown.”
Jun grinned, “I’ll take you up on that,” he mumbled, dropping a quick kiss on the other mans shoulder before standing, offering a hand to pull him up. “We should go inside. Get some sleep.”
Josh accepted his hand, grinning to himself at their interlocked fingers as they made their way back home.