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Seokmin curled up tighter into his jacket, cursing his past self for not grabbing gloves or a scarf in his dramatic exit from the dorms for an impromptu nerves-walk through the neighborhood. Curse him. Stupid kid. That was an hour ago. He had been a child. A youth. He’s learned so much since then.
He’s learned his hands get fucking freezing when he doesn’t have Jeonghan holding them in his own pocket. Or Seungkwan’s mittens to steal.
He’s learned that snow the early in the year becomes a thick gray slush that oozes into his shoes and socks and makes his toes tingle and numb through.
He’s learned that sulking on a hard cold park bench after a pointless emotional outburst is not as cathartic as it may seem in the moment.
It had only been ten, fifteen minutes since he stormed out of the dorm, declaring that he was taking a walk with great anger and flare. What a fucking idiot.
This was the stupidest thing for him to get riled up about, the stupidest thing to then go and do, and the worst part was that he knew it. They had all spent too much time together, the littlest things rubbing everyone else the wrong way. Communication skills only went so far, and they were all talking past each other. Seokmin didn’t even know why he was angry really. Words were thrown carelessly and looking back, he didn’t even know what was wrong. The other men had just been existing. But they had been existing just a little to loud and a little to constantly and just, just, just-
He let out a sigh, arms crossed to keep whatever warmth he had in, and as a physical demonstration of just how pissed off he was. He had to stay angry. That was the only thing keeping him warm at this point.
The cold seeped in easily. Seokmin wasn’t like Wonwoo or Jeonghan who became cold at the mere thought of a breeze, but he wasn’t a fucking human space heater like Jihoonie or Mingyu either. He tried breathing into his hands but the moisture from his breath stayed after the warmth dissipated and it just made it worse.
He wanted to cry. Maybe the heat from his tears would at least warm up his frigid face, nose and cheeks pink and wind buffed, lips already chapping. Seungkwan was gonna loose his mind he thought with a huff of a laugh, but it died quickly in his throat as he huddled down further into his self-pity bench, the reason for his frustration becoming stupider the further he got from it.
He stared at the ground, mind numbing over like his extremities, like he didn’t have the energy to look anywhere but the slushy puddle in the crack in the park path, black booted feet scurrying past him without so much of a pause as everyone continued about their day, ignoring the man with the bright red ears and too light coat sitting holding back angry tears.
Until a pair of yellow neon sneakers appeared in his line of vision and resolutely stayed put.
Seokmin’s eyes drifted up the form, taking in the baggy pants and familiar black puffy jacket before arriving on Hansol’s calm, neutral face, bundled up under a patterned scarf, Seungcheols hat, and a hoodie with the strings pulled as tight as possible.
“Hey,” Hansol said, staring down at the singer. Seokmin pouted, anger fizzling back to life in some desperate attempt to justify him sitting here sulking like a god damn child. “You wanna talk bout it?” Hansol asked after a minute of silence, snow drifting aimlessly down, settling in Seokmin’s hair. Someone else would have cooed and brushed it away. Hansol simply waited. Frustration built up in Seokmin as he finally sighed, white breaths billowing out.
“No! No I’m done talking okay? That’s all I ever do is talk and that’s all people excepted me to do and I just don’t want to right now! Why? Cause I’m fucking angry, I’m so goddamn…I don’t even know! I don’t know and I don’t want to talk to you, or Hannie, or Hoa, or…or anyone! I just want to sit here and freeze without anyone fucking talking to me!” Seokmin finally finished in a huff, hot tears ricking his eyes as he worried at the dried skin pulling from his lip, looking anywhere but the younger man.
“Okay,” Hansol said evenly, brushing off the seat next to him with the same calm mildness he did everything else.
“Okay?” Seokmin repeated, astonishment clear on his face as his friend settled down onto the bench, watching the people bundled up against the cold make their way to their trains and busses and homes.
“Yeah, okay,” Hansol waited a minute, before sighing at Seokmin’s incredulous stare, “Look, clearly you are in the mood for arguing and I know that you hate yourself after you get out of that mood. And I’m not about to go dragging you home because it’s just going to end worse. So, I’m just going to sit here, with you, until you are ready.”
Seokmin stared at him, tightness in his throat morphing from anger to…to something softer and sadder, and while frustration is hard to let go of, he found himself asking “Ready for what?”
“Whatever,” Hansol’s gave him a look, lips quirked in a something like a smile before pulling his scarf tighter around his neck and turning back to the view of the park, glancing up at the dull winter clouds.
Seokmin sat stewing, simultaneously frustrated and impressed at his reaction. His anger slowly boiled down, fizzing out into embarrassment. The longer he sat, snow now melted and seeping the cuffs of his jeans, hands now raw and chapped, and quite coldness instead of stifling hot loudness pressed down on him like a determined, fat lap cat, the electricity that had been making it impossible for him to calm down finally flickered out. Exhaustion began to tug at his body, weighing him down. It didn’t even seem stupid now, just silly. Sad, maybe. He took a shivering breath, letting his head fall to Hansol’s shoulder. The younger reacted slowly, shifting so he could unzip his outer layer, Seokmin now able to rest on the warm dry hoodie and not cold, wet jacket he wore. Hansol wrapped an arm around his waist and anyone passing them by may have thought that he was the older one of the pair.
“I didn’t mean it,” Seokmin mumbled, throat all tight, like a wad of paper was stuck in it.
“I know,” Hansol murmured back, continuing to count snowflakes drifting down from the sky, a bit fluffier now than they had been a few minutes prior. Some landed on Seokmin’s eyelashes and the disappeared as tears finally began to drip down his cheeks, slowly like melting frost.
“I…I just got overwhelmed. And then I got mad. And then…” Seokmin took another shuddering breath and Hansols hand moved up and down his back in comforting rhythm, “I got scared I think. I don’t know. I suddenly had to leave. I had to get away from all of you because…because sometimes I just get so overwhelmed that I don’t want to be around people, but if I am the one to say it…then something is wrong with me. That if I stopped being happy, and making you all happy, what would be the point of me.”
“Oh, sweetheart,” Hansol’s heart broke at even the concept that the pother man would view himself as useless. As only worth the love he gave and not the love he received. As if his only purpose was giving up his comfort to fit some preconceived part he forced himself to play.
“That’s so stupid right?” Seokmin laughed, crumpling further into Hansol. He sniffed, rubbing his face with his hands, and Hansol gasped, immediately pulling off his gloves to grab onto Seokmin’s hands.
“Hyung, Jesus fuck, did you even prepare to stay out here this long?” He asked, holding Seokmin’s hands with his own warm dry ones, He pulled Seokmin closer, pulling his gloves onto the others number hands. Seokmin let out a confused half sob half giggle as Hansol shifted to face him, pulling his hands into his sweatshirt pocket, fingers still wrapped tightly around wrists.
“Hyung that’s not stupid,” Hansol said after a minute of silence, Seokmins hands now returning to feeling, stinging a little, “Coming out here without a hat and fucking gloves is stupid okay? But how you feel is never stupid. You’re allowed to be angry and grumpy sometimes. You are allowed to tell us to leave you alone. You are worth so much, and we…we respect you too much, and love you too much, to think you are only worth the positivity you bring.”
“I just…I know, I know I can feel things but I feel so fucking guilty every time I’m not happy. Every one…they all look to me to be happy and cheerful and to support them.” He sobbed, flushing in embarrassment and cold.
Hansol sighed, letting his head sink down until his forehead rested against the singers, “I’m sorry. We should never be putting that pressure on you. It’s our fault if we ever, ever made you think that you were only allowed to be happy around us, okay?” Hansol waited for Seokmin to nod, letting his cold nose brush his for a moment.
“I-it’s not your fault, okay? It’s no one’s fault, I just…” Seokmin sighed in defeat, words leaving his mouth, how cold and wet and tired he was crashing down now that his tears had finally stopped. “This is something that I need to work on, okay?”
Hansol stared at him silently, hazel eyes searching dark brown ones for something. He didn’t find it, or maybe he did, but regardless he sighed after a moment, squeezing his wrists still encased in his hoodie.
“Let’s go home. We can talk about this later, okay?” Hansol said and Seokmin sighed, pulling back to stand. Hansol stood after, pulling off his shat to press it down over Seokmins ears, unwrapping his scarf to then wrap it even tighter around Seokmin’s shoulders and cheeks.
“I get it, you know,” Hansol said quietly once Seokmin was bundled up and prepared for the trek home, “For what ever its worth. I think…don’t be scared to tell people. We love you too much to…yeah.”
They stared at each other for a moment, unfinished thoughts and sentences and feelings swirling around them, white and fluffy and cold.
“Thank you Sollie,” Seokmin finally settled on, voice cracked and raw, but his eyes were a little brighter now, and he leaned forward to press a kiss to Hansol’s cheek.
Hansol gave him a small smile, blushing furiously, “Its nothing, Hyung,” He shook himself, “C’mon, you’re fucking freezing, you should come home before you get sick.”
Seokmin pulled off one of the gloves, handing it to Hansol who slid it on quickly, grinning and blushing as they naturally joined ungloved hands, sticking them back into Hansol’s hoodie pocket.
“So embarrassing,” Hansol whined, but he grinned as Seokmin gave a small giggle, and they fell into comfortable step, making their way home.