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Usually, Eric wasn’t the type to get too drunk for his own good.
Well, that was a lie.
He totally was the type to do that, the problem was that he hardly had time to. Preparations, practice, photo shoots, promotions – Eric loved his job, he really did, but as he always had to be at his best, there wasn’t much time to do things that were probably not good for him. Which was exactly why he had to make use of every opportunity that presented itself to him.
He had just finished the last day of his Japan promotions – he had been to more interviews and music shows and photoshoots than he could remember, they all became blurry in his mind the moment he sat down in the backseat of the car.
His body was strained and tired from the lack of rest, he had once again spent way too fucking long staring at his bodyguard in the waiting room for the last interview, and he didn’t know what day it was – the 25th? 27th? – in Eric’s eyes there was no better moment to buy his staff, and himself, more than just a couple rounds of soju.
They sat in the backroom of a chicken place in Tokyo that Sunwoo had recommended to him. Eric, still with his make-up on and product in his hair, sat at the end of the longish table, a shot glass of soju in his raised hand.
He was not good at making toasts or holding speeches, but now that the burden of the last weeks had fallen from his shoulders, he just said what came to his mind.
“To all of you.” He let his eyes wander over the small group of people he saw the most in his day-to-day work life, giving them a grateful smile. “Thanks, guys, for working so hard.”
Four bottles of soju later, he could hardly sit straight on his chair. He sat slouched forward, supporting himself on his elbows, his cheek, glowing red and hot from the alcohol, resting in the palm of his hand. He was half listening to Chanhee ramble about some book he read, half lost in his own thoughts.
Except for Chanhee, Haknyeon and Kevin, most of the other staff members had already excused themselves for the night. It was late, they had to stand up early the next morning, they had to get back to their rooms, Eric didn’t blame them.
“Eric. Hey, Eric.” His manager had to snap his fingers in front of Eric’s face to get his attention. Eric looked over at the man. “Your flight leaves at 9 tomorrow – we should all go back to our hotel rooms soon. Especially you.”
“But—”
After over three years, he knew that there was no use in arguing with his manager, but nevertheless he tried every time again.
“There’s no schedule tomorrow, right? We can all sleep during the flight!”
Eric reached for the still half-full bottle of soju standing in front of Haknyeon, who was having a very agitated discussion with Kevin about the best dip for fried chicken, and wanted to refill his glass, when someone behind him swiftly took the bottle from his hands.
“Hey—”
Eric’s head whipped around in search for the culprit who had stolen his precious soju, a displeased pout already on his pink lips, swollen from the spicy chicken, but when he saw who was standing behind him, he fell silent.
“Hyung,” he mumbled, cheeks suddenly even hotter than they already were.
Sangyeon placed the bottle on the table behind him before also taking the glass out of Eric’s hand.
“Your manager is right, you should get some rest before the flight tomorrow,” he said.
Sangyeon was probably the only person in this room who wasn’t drunk right now – as Eric’s bodyguard, he was also the only one who was strictly speaking still working.
Unlike with his manager, Eric didn’t speak back, nor did he try to change Sangyeon’s mind. He could have blamed it on the amount of alcohol flooding through his veins, but Eric knew that the sudden heat blazing up in his lower stomach and the rush of adrenaline-like feelings that flared up when he saw Sangyeon stand right there, just like the desire to do anything Sangyeon told him to, had nothing to do with how drunk he was.
“Mhm.”
Sangyeon gave him a smile, faint but kind. “I take that as a yes.”
Eric gazed up at him. He didn’t catch his manager and Sangyeon exchanging a look, neither did he hear what he said. He just saw the slight chuckle on Sangyeon’s lips, and heard his gentle, deep voice that made his spine tingle.
Eric’s vision blurred as the older one helped him up. The room spun and he felt like he was going to fall over at any moment, but despite all of that he felt just great. He felt feather-light and carefree and being wasted gave him a perfect excuse to cling to Sangyeon. He heard Chanhee laugh amusedly and wish him a goodnight’s sleep before he was led outside.
The restaurant staff eyed them curiously as they exited the place – big, broad Sangyeon in his white button-down dress shirt with cuffed sleeved, holding up small, drunk Eric with his cotton candy lavender-purple hair and Sangyeon’s large coat around his shoulders, whose feet seemed to move too slow for Sangyeon’s wide steps.
The air was very cold, it was late November already, and their breaths formed little clouds wafting away into the city air.
Sangyeon looked around. There weren’t many people, it was late, a Monday night, in a rather quiet part of the large, loud city, but nevertheless they should get back to the hotel room quickly.
Eric wasn’t hard to miss, he stood out in any crowd, and in this state, he should rather not attract too much attention. Sangyeon hailed a taxi, and one arrived soon later. Before they got in, Sangyeon pulled the hood of his coat over Eric’s head, deep into his forehead, to at least attempt to hide his vibrant hair and pretty face. A giggle escaped Eric’s lips that Sangyeon acknowledged with a faint smile.
“A taxi?” Eric asked after Sangyeon had told the taxi driver, a middle-aged balding man – who, to Sangyeon’s liking, probably had never heard of Eric in his life – the address of the hotel. “I haven’t been in a taxi in so long.”
“Oh really?”
“Mhm, always in the company car. I like taxis.” He slurred his voice, was barely audible anymore. “Makes me feel like I’m in a movie.”
Eric rested his head against the cool car window and stared outside, looking at the neon signs, hazy and blurry and so bright it almost blinded him. Sangyeon next to him looked out of the window to his side, eyes occasionally glancing over to Eric, always a bit wary, never too relaxed, always keeping an eye on the situation.
“Eric, we’ve arrived.”
“Hm? Oh? Already?”
Eric blinked, confused, as Sangyeon opened his door for him. The large “hotel” sign above the entrance gate glared down at him as Eric crawled out of the back seat. The hotel was quite the fancy one, with a large front yard which you had to pass to even get to the building. It was late, and the front yard were completely empty except for a bored gateman.
Sangyeon had already approached the door, reaching out to open it, when Eric, still in the middle of the pave walk, stumbled to a halt.
“Hyung,” he babbled, “w-wait, I—”
“What’s wrong?”
“I, uh, dunno if I can walk. Don’t wanna walk all the way back. Legs – my legs feel so heavy, hyung.” He wasn’t even trying to whine or look at Sangyeon with pleading puppy-eyes, he wasn’t doing any of that consciously. It came naturally to him.
Sangyeon tilted his head.
“Okay, then.”
Eric squeaked in surprise as Sangyeon promptly wrapped one arm around Eric’s torso and lifted his legs up with the other. Eric slung his arms around Sangyeon’s neck in automatic response, still with that scorching heat in his stomach and his heart beating so fast it made him dizzy.
Sangyeon carried him with ease, across the front yard, past the reception, towards the elevators.
Eric was starting to believe that this was a dream, one of those pathetic dreams fed by his unfulfilled desires, and as this was a dream anyway, he let his head fall against Sangyeon’s chest and fully gave in, became pliant in Sangyeon’s arms.
“Can’t you jus’ carry me everywhere?” Eric muttered into Sangyeon’s shirt. “Mm? Please.” He felt sleepy, which made him slur his words even more, almost to the point of unintelligibility. The alcohol not only robbed him of his ability to walk and speak properly, but also got rid of any filter whatsoever.
“I like you so much, hyung—” he sighed, “I feel all tingly when you touch me, or when you look at me, or when you – when you do anything, fuck.”
Sangyeon didn’t respond. Didn’t even look at him. Eric wanted him to look at him so bad. He knew he was unprofessional. He shouldn’t be saying any of this, and he knew that Sangyeon was super professional, was always careful to not overstep any boundaries, to do his job diligently.
Eric was so close to begging him to overstep those boundaries. And if he had to get onto his knees for it. He planned on doing that anyway.
So he kept going, blabbered out everything he kept thinking about whenever Sangyeon was anywhere close to him. He didn’t know if Sangyeon was listening, maybe he wasn’t paying attention to him at all, shrugging it off as mindless drunken rambling, or maybe he was listening and already writing out his letter of dismissal in his head.
“Alright, we’re here.”
Eric only realized that they stood in front of the door to his hotel room as Sangyeon let him down onto his wobbly feet.
“Hyung, do you want to—”
“Goodnight, Eric. I’m sure your manager is going to wake you up in time tomorrow.”
With that he turned around and left Eric standing in the empty hallway, still swaying, with the keycard to the door in his hand.
“Hyung, you’re so mean,” he muttered weakly, knowing that nobody heard his words but himself, before he unlocked the door and slipped into the awfully quiet hotel room.
He realized that he had fucked up the moment he woke up the next morning.
Oh no.
First of all, his head was killing him.
Second of all, he wanted to bury himself in the heaps of hotel blankets and never go out, never face anyone again, especially not the person who he knew was already standing in front of the door, who would accompany him for almost the entire day today, always somewhere around him, always having an eye on him.
And as he sat in the middle of the huge bed, pillow wrapped around him like a little miserable Eric-burrito, out of all people Chanhee skipped in.
“Good morning,” he chirped. “Get your ass out of bed and into the shower, I need to have your makeup done in twenty minutes.”
Eric scowled at him. “Leave me alone. I want to disappear.”
“I don’t think you have the time for that, Eric,” Chanhee replied, unfolding his makeup bag at the desk across from the hotel bed.
Barely twenty minutes later, Eric tried to slip out onto the hallway without looking at anyone, hurrying towards the car and not acknowledging anyone except for chatty Chanhee perhaps. His plan didn’t quite work out. He bumped headfirst into Sangyeon the moment he opened the door.
“Oh, sorry—” Sangyeon’s deep voice again, just like always, sent shivers down Eric’s spine.
“H-hyung,” he stammered, “good morning. I’m sorry because of, uh, bec—”
“Did you sleep well?”
“Uh, y-yeah, I guess—”
“You should get to the car quickly. You’re behind schedule a bit.” Eric, a bit dumbfounded, blankly blinked up at Sangyeon.
Had he really not heard all of the things he had said to him? Or… had it really been a dream? Or did just Sangyeon just act as if nothing had happened?
“He’s right,” Chanhee said in that moment, gently nudging Eric towards the elevators. “We are behind schedule. Quick, quick, I told the others that we would take you downstairs in time, don’t you dare get us in trouble.”
Roughly a month after the Japan promotions, Eric found himself in a hotel room once again. This time in Busan, for a cover and magazine panel shoot which would take place over the span of two days.
Half of the job he had already gotten over with, and after standing in front of a camera for hours on end, changing into one complicated heavy outfit after the other, he could not wait for a long shower and the hotel bed. He wasn’t necessarily tired, but after intense days like these, Eric often found himself clueless about what to do with himself, alone in the hotel room. In moments like these, none of the possibilities spoke to him – he had all the options, could read or watch a movie or order all of the food on the room service menu, but he knew that all of that only bore him.
The water took a little while until it warmed up, and while Eric stood in the bathtub, letting the water of the shower head trickle over his hand, testing the temperature, he found himself lost in thought – pondering over upcoming schedules and events, his birthday next week, Christmas, the new year. It had been a little while since he had seen his family. He should visit them over the holidays. He should meet up with his friends again as well, except for the ones working around him he hardly found the time to see them.
Once the water was hot enough, Eric went onto his tiptoes to put the shower head back into the clamp above his head.
Not long into letting the hot, almost steaming water run down his body, Eric started to feel weird. A bit queasy, strangely weak. With a frown between his eyebrows, he reached for the shower faucet, thinking that maybe he had been a bit excessive with the water temperature, when suddenly his legs buckled beneath him and his vision blacked out.
He fainted for a split second only, but that was enough for him to topple over and fall onto the hard bathtub surface, accidentally taking his shampoo and body wash bottles with him.
He groaned in pain, hands automatically flying to his knee which had first hit the protruding tap and then the edge of the bathtub and now hurt so bad that Eric grit his teeth. Slowly, blood trickled down his lower leg, mixing with the water disappearing into the drain. His head spun, and he sank against the bathtub wall, breathing heavily. The water was still running, but the tap was behind his back and he couldn’t reach it without moving his knee which he didn’t feel capable of just yet.
Just in that moment, he heard the door to his hotel room shut close, and footsteps approaching the bathroom.
“Eric? Is everything okay? Did something happen?”
Sangyeon’s voice.
Of course, it was him. He had stood in front of his hotel room and had to have heard the dull thump of Eric falling down, the loud clattering of the bottles tumbling down.
He sounded uncharacteristically tense.
“I, uh, I fell. I dunno wha—”
“Can I come in?”
He stood right outside the door.
“Y-yeah,” Eric said, painfully aware that he was soaking wet and naked. “It’s unlocked.”
The door opened, and Sangyeon came in, with a look of genuine worry on his handsome features. He hurried to the bathtub as soon as he spotted Eric sitting there.
“What happened?”
“I fell,” Eric reiterated. “I think I blacked out for a moment, m-maybe the water was too hot, or—”
Sangyeon’s eyes wandered over him, widening as they found Eric’s bleeding knee.
“Oh Eric…”
Eric flinched a little as Sangyeon bent forward, but he reached past him to the faucet to shut off the water. Some speckles of water painted his white shirt darker and dampened his hair, one brown strand fell into his forehead.
“Is there a first aid kit around?” Sangyeon asked.
“Oh, uh, not sure…”
Sangyeon had already stepped away from the tub again, eyes flickering around the room.
“In that cabinet over there perhaps,” Eric said, voice suddenly meek, feeble. The way he sat in the bathtub made him seem smaller than he was, helpless and vulnerable, all naked and freezing a little now that the hot water had subsided and cooler air wafted through the opened bathroom door.
“Here.”
Eric winced once again, this time as Sangyeon spread out one of the yet unused hotel towels, and wrapped it around Eric’s body, then lifting him up with ease.
Ignoring the water dripping down from Eric’s feet and drenched hair onto the carpet floor, Sangyeon carried him over to the bed, carefully setting him down on the edge.
“Stay here.”
Eric froze as Sangyeon’s hand lingered on his thigh a little longer than necessary before he walked back into the bathroom, probably looking for a first aid kit. Eric quickly adjusted the towel slung around his body, trying to breathe as calmly as possible.
Sangyeon came back soon later, unboxing the kit, which indeed had been stored in the cabinet above the sink, on the tidy nightstand, together with a small towel and a small container with tap water. Eric mustered the first aid kit curiously – a bunch of bandages, different kinds of band-aids, antiseptic ointments, aspirin, everything you would need.
Sangyeon knelt down in front of him and pulled Eric’s right foot towards him, placing it on his thigh. Eric froze, convinced that his brain short-circuited for a moment there as Sangyeon’s fingers reached around his skin.
“Hm. It doesn’t look that bad,” Sangyeon said quietly. He was calm as ever again, the sliver of panic in his voice from before had already disappeared again. How he regained his composure so quickly was a riddle to Eric. “I don’t think you’ll need any stitches. Does it hurt a lot?”
“Mh?” Eric cleared his throat. “Mh, well… yeah. A bit. I-it’s tolerable though.”
Sangyeon acknowledged his answer with a nod, reaching for a gauze pad to soak it in water. “I’ll disinfect the wound a little, just to make sure, it might sting a little. Keep still.”
“M-mhm,” Eric mumbled. As if his body was even physically able to move.
The wound did sting a little as Sangyeon began to dab the cloth around the corners of the lacerated wound, carefully wiping his leg clean from the blood, but Eric didn’t mind. Sangyeon was so gentle that Eric felt as if he was made of porcelain, something precious and fragile.
Fuck, he was going to faint again.
This couldn’t be actually happening. He was not actually sitting on a hotel bed, naked with merely a towel loosely around his hips, with Sangyeon kneeling in front of him, he couldn’t be.
“I think that’s all we can do for now,” Sangyeon said, smoothening out the edges of the large plaster on Eric’s knee. He still held his leg in place by having one hand wrapped around his ankle, occasionally moving his hand to his thigh, right above the hollow of his knee, if he had to adjust the angle.
Eric was going insane, so close to closing his eyes every time he felt Sangyeon’s fingers on him.
“Are you hurt somewhere else?”
Eric withheld the fact that his ass hurt and shook his head. “Nowhere else. Thanks, hyung,” he piped. “J-just my head, but you can’t put a band-aid on that unfortunately.”
Sangyeon smiled. Eric swooned.
If he were drunk right now, he would say that maybe a band-aid didn’t help but a kiss would. Sober Eric stayed quiet, keeping all his thoughts to himself.
Sangyeon looked unreal. Maybe it was that special ambience of hotel rooms at night, inherently charged with tension so heavy Eric thought he could physically feel it, maybe it was Eric’s massive crush on him, but the man in front of him looked like had just come straight from heaven.
“Y-you’re done?” Eric asked, almost unable to hide the disappointment in his voice.
“I guess so, yeah. In case it bleeds through the plaster we should probably bring you to the hospital, but if the bleeding has stopped it should be fine. How did you even manage to do that?”
“I already told you, hyung – I fainted. Dunno why.”
“Eric?”
“Yes, hyung?”
“Be honest with me – have you eaten anything today?”
Eric hesitated, suddenly feeling both caught and abashed. “Now that you mention it… I didn’t find the time to,” he whispered after a moment. “I—I drank water, though, and quite a lot of coffee!”
Sangyeon nodded, once more gently smoothening down the band-aid before he looked up into Eric’s wide eyes. “You should eat now, then.”
“Have you eaten dinner yet, hyung?” Eric asked back. “I-if you haven’t, eat with me, please.”
Sangyeon hesitated, raising to his feet after placing Eric’s foot back onto the ground. “I should rather—”
“Please, hyung. Let’s eat dinner together.”
“I have to—”
“I hate eating alone in hotel rooms. Please. Stay here, let’s eat together. Not as Eric and his bodyguard, but Son Youngjae and Lee Sangyeon.”
Eric noticed how Sangyeon’s eyes flickered over to the door, and for a moment it was as if he could read his mind.
“Don’t worry. You’re not neglecting your duty or anything like that – technically, by being in the same room with me, you’re protecting me even more than just by standing in front of my door. What if someone comes through the window, hm?”
A chuckle slipped Sangyeon’s lips, and he tilted his head as he looked down at Eric. “Fair point,” he said, instantly conjuring a blinding smile on Eric’s face. “Do you want to order something? We can use the room service.”
“No need.” Eric shook his head, still beaming at Sangyeon. His face had regained color again, and a slight hue of red painted his cheeks. “I just want to eat ramen. I took a whole dozen of ramen bags with me.” He gestured over to his suitcase which lay to the foot of his bed. “Everything else we need is at the minibar.”
Sangyeon laughed. “You brought ramen with you? You can buy ramen at every corner, Eric…”
“I know, I know, but you never know… it’s convenient now, isn’t it? We don’t even have to leave the room.”
“Alright,” Sangyeon laughed. “Fair point again. You can go and put on some clothes before,” he said, “I can leave the room in the meanwhile.”
“Oh, uh, I… It’s fine, I’ll just get changed in the bathroom,” Eric replied quickly. While holding the towel in place he hopped over to his suitcase on only his uninjured leg to grab some clothes before he disappeared into the bathroom.
Inside, hidden from Sangyeon’s eyes, he sank against the closed door, letting the towel fall to the ground. His heart was thumping against his ribcage. He had agreed. He had really agreed. Sangyeon had actually agreed to eating dinner with him.
Eric peeked into the mirror. He didn’t look quite like pop star Eric – his still damp hair was all over the place, he was bare-faced and the shirt and shorts he had quickly grabbed weren’t matching at all. There was nothing he could do, really – and if he thought about it, Sangyeon saw him like this on a regular basis.
When he returned, Sangyeon had already unpacked the ramen cups and placed them on the small table by the window overlooking the skyline of Busan’s port. The sea glistened, reflecting both the moon and all the million city lights.
“Is, um, is the water boiling yet?”
“I set up the kettle earlier, it should be ready any moment,” Sangyeon answered. He had cuffed up his sleeves again, Eric noticed immediately. He limped over to the mini bar. Aside from the water boiler there were different sorts of tea, a small bowl of fruit and a bunch of sweets.
“Careful with the hot water,” Sangyeon said next to him as Eric lifted up the rumbling water boiler. “Don’t burn yourself.”
Eric hid a smile. “I like that you’re so protective of me,” he said quietly while he was filling up the ramen cups. “I know it’s your job,” he added soon after, “but sometimes I like to pretend that it’s not just because of that.”
Sangyeon didn’t answer – Eric hadn’t expected him to.
“What do you want to drink? Soju?”
“Ah, no.” Eric fiddled with his chopsticks while Sangyeon crouched in front of the cooled beverages. “I’m not going to get drunk today. I’ll stay sober. L-last time I got drunk, I… I said some stuff, didn’t I? I’m sorry for that. Don’t get me wrong, I meant what I said, it was the truth, but… I guess I shouldn’t have…” He looked up to find Sangyeon looking at him with something in his eyes that Eric couldn’t decipher. All courage left him. “W-whatever. I want some juice.”
“Maracuja-mango or grape?”
“Maracuja-mango, please.”
Now as the initial scare and pain of the fall had left and Eric was fully aware of the situation, he felt like on cloud nine. He laughed too hard at Sangyeon’s jokes, stumbled over his words when he became aware of the other’s eyes on him whenever he talked, kept his eyes on the ramen in front of him whenever he became too shy.
The next time Eric glanced at his phone, it was half past twelve, and he felt full, exhausted, happy and nervous at the same time. They had finished the ramen cups long ago, and by now a small pile of candy wrappers had formed between them.
Sangyeon was on his second beer, he sat leaned back in his chair, a serene smile on his lips, and Eric got dizzy every time he looked at him for too long.
After Eric’s third yawn, Sangyeon raised an eyebrow at him. “Tired?”
“Mh.” Eric nodded, stretching his arms into the air. “They want me to be ready by 8 – cruel, right? Inhumane.”
“You should go to sleep soon if that’s the case,” Sangyeon said.
“I should.” Eric pouted. “While I brush my teeth, could you maybe—”
“Sure.” Sangyeon smiled. “I’ll clean up. How’s your knee? Do you need help?”
Eric hesitated, flustered. “N-no, it’s fine. It doesn’t hurt that much anymore.”
To be frank, he had forgotten about his injury for the last hours. Leaning against the doorframe to the bathroom, Eric sneakily watched Sangyeon as he tidied up the table. He was humming along to the music coming from Eric’s speaker.
It seemed like weariness, which had slowly but surely washed over him and had him sinking onto the hotel bed the moment he finished brushing his teeth, got rid of Eric’s filter just like alcohol did.
“Hyung, don’t go yet,” he mumbled, looking at Sangyeon across the room, cheek squished against the mattress. “Stay here until I fall asleep.”
“Huh?”
“Please,” Eric whined, weakly patting the other side of the bed. “Lie down. Just until I fall asleep.”
Sangyeon approached the bed, tentatively as if he was still thinking about it. A strange, taut feeling bloomed in Eric’s lower stomach as Sangyeon let his fingers trail over the bedding.
“Why?”
“Wanna look at you when I fall asleep,” Eric said. Some part inside of him was shocked that he was saying these things so shamelessly while being stone sober. That part was weak and quiet in comparison to everything else of him that was craving for anything Sangyeon was ready to give him.
Sangyeon let his eyes wander across the room. Their empty ramen cups in the trash can, the half-full beer bottle in the glass-doored mini bar, the first aid kit which was still by the nightstand, the speaker filling the room with low, calm music, and eventually Eric, who lay on his side facing him, one arm curled around the pillow he always brought with him on flights, his bandaged knee propped up on the spare blanket placed on the end of the bed, whose lavender hair was tangled and hung into his handsome face, whose rosy lips were still puckered in a pout, whose eyes blinked heavily, dreading to shut for the night.
“Hyung…”
Sangyeon let out a silent sigh and lay down where Eric had patted the mattress, pulling a pillow closer to rest his head on it. A tired smile settled on Eric’s lips.
They lay there for a while, looking at each other, the only sounds being their calm breaths and the music. Suddenly Eric, who was struggling to keep his eyes open by now, furrowed his eyes.
“Hyung?”
“Hm?” Sangyeon adjusted the pillow, slotting his arm between his pillow and his head.
“Do you maybe hate me?”
“You’re asking me if I hate you?” Sangyeon asked, audibly surprised.
“Mhm. Yeah.” Eric nodded, bottom lip pushed forward even more.
“Why would I—”
“Last month in Japan… after that night, why did you act like nothing happened? Because you want nothing to do with me? Is that why? ‘s okay if you do, I jus’ wanna know.”
“Eric… If I hated you, would I be here right now?”
Eric hesitated. “M-maybe you’re just doing your job and can’t wait for me to fall asleep so that you’ll be over with it for today.”
Sangyeon chuckled. “Didn’t you say yourself that tonight, we should be Son Youngjae and Lee Sangyeon instead of Eric and his bodyguard? I’m not working right now. So no, I don’t hate you. Not even a little bit.”
Eric smiled. “That’s good,” he mumbled. “I’m glad. Don’t want you to hate me.”
Eric would have lied if he said that he didn’t think about that night in Busan a lot. A lot. How could he not? Everything started to remind him of it – the playlist he had put on, the plaster on his knee, the brand of beer Sangyeon had drunken, even white towels.
He was thankful for the one and a half schedule-free weeks that followed, icy cold days that he spent in his apartment mostly, watching movies, sometimes meeting up with Sunwoo, visiting Juyeon and Hyunjae in their new apartment. Calm, normal days that took him out of the hectic schedule of a pop star, but somehow still wouldn’t let him forget about the burning feeling coiling in his tummy when Sangyeon had pulled him closer by the ankle.
That was how he ended up standing in the back of a small corner market close to his apartment, in the front of the ramen isle, staring at the bright red packaging as if it had personally offended him. Eric couldn’t believe he had even ruined his favorite kind of ramen for him.
He was about the reach for the ones in the front row, when a familiar voice called his name.
“Eric?”
“Hyung?”
Eric had to tilt his head back to look at Sangyeon’s face, the bucket hat he wore blocked out half of his vision. It really was him, smiling down at him. Eric dropped one of his grocery bags. He still hadn’t moved an inch after Sangyeon had bent down to pick up his bag.
After a silence that was one moment too long, Eric managed to open his mouth. “What, um, what are you doing here?”
“I was visiting a friend nearby.”
Dumb heart for beating so fast, Eric thought to himself, dumb brain for making him aware of how good and how buff Sangyeon looked. He could throw him around like it was nothing with those arms.
Eric shuddered.
“You’re buying a lot—”
“Huh?” Eric looked down at the many plastic bags in his hands which were rosy from the cold. “Oh, yeah. I sort of ran out of food, so…”
“Should I help you carry these back home? They look heavy.”
Out of habit, Eric was about to say that it was fine, he could carry them, but he caught himself just in the right moment.
“Really?”
Sangyeon shrugged. “I have some time to spare.”
Eric blinked, forcing himself out of the trance he had found himself stuck in, grabbed a handful of ramen packages – the red ones – and handed another one of the grocery bags to Sangyeon before he could change his mind.
“Thank you, hyung,” Eric muttered, half mumbled into his scarf, as they stepped outside.
“It’s nothing. Is your knee alright?”
“Oh? Oh, yeah, it’s almost healed. I’m still making sure not to bend my knee too much, I’m scared that it might rip open again, but otherwise it’s fine.”
“I’m glad about that,” Sangyeon smiled.
“All, um, all thanks to you.” Eric looked at Sangyeon from the side, almost running into a parked bike. “You patched me up so well.”
They walked together in peaceful silence for a while, with Eric glancing up every few seconds, as if he wanted to check that Sangyeon was really there, that he was really carrying his grocery bags to his apartment.
“I’m curious about something,” Eric said tentatively. “How did you recognize me? You can hardly see my face – if I had been that cashier earlier, I would have probably thought that I had come to rob him.”
Sangyeon smiled. “Eric, let’s say you had to go to the airport and the crowd would carried away and I lost sight of you – wouldn’t I be doing a horrible job as your bodyguard if I didn’t recognize you, even if you, let’s say, hid your hair?”
“So… you’re saying—”
“I’d recognize you in any crowd, in any clothes, no matter the circumstances.”
Eric almost toppled over. Fuck, that was hot. That shouldn’t be so hot. Fuck, this really, really shouldn’t be so hot.
“Why are you so quiet?”
“H-hm?” Eric was so glad it was winter, no matter how much blush crept up his cheeks he could always blame it on the cold. “O-oh, I… j-just lost in thought. We’re here.”
He gestured towards the gate to the apartment complex he lived in.
Eric’s countenance changed the moment he stepped into his apartment and turned on the lights. He was home now, this was his place and his alone, not a hotel room or a broadcast waiting room or the inside of a stuffy company car. He at least had the illusion to have some sort of control.
Sangyeon, after casting off his shoes, took a look around the room. Eric suppressed a smile. He was proud of his apartment, it seemed so much more grown and sophisticated than he was, all stylishly decorated and furnished as if he had his life together.
Eric, still standing by the shoe cabinet, watched Sangyeon. This was one of the few times that he had seen Sangyeon in regular clothing, not his usual black pants and white shirt. Eric liked him no matter what he wore, and he wanted to see what was underneath no matter what he wore.
“Could you help me store those away?” he asked, holding up the grocery bags.
Sangyeon agreed readily, stepping beside Eric, between the kitchen island and the counter, putting the ramen into the cupboard above the oven and his juice boxes into the fridge, asking where to put the fruits and the wine.
Did he really not notice how tense Eric was? It almost didn’t seem like it, if it wasn’t for the short glimpses, the lingering hands when they reached for something at the same time, the tilted head and that something in his dark eyes that made Eric dizzy.
Eric reached a decision. He took a deep breath, ran his pretty, manicured nails through his purple hair and then placed his hand on top of Sangyeon’s.
“Hyung, why don’t you stay for a drink?”
He felt Sangyeon’s hand twitch under his, but he didn’t pull it away. Eric shifted, half intertwined their fingers, letting his nails very lightly graze over his skin.
“Eric…”
“Yes, hyung?”
“It wouldn’t be right…” Sangyeon said, with an almost pained expression.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about, hyung.” Eric came fully around the kitchen island, looking up at Sangyeon with a questioning look in his eyes. He pushed his bottom lip forward, just a little bit. “I personally think that it would be just right. Just for a bit. I’m lonely. Do you really want to keep me begging forever?”
“I told myself to not let personal issues interfere with my work,” Sangyeon said.
“Personal issues? Sure, if that’s how you want to describe you wanting to fuck me.”
Was Sangyeon blushing?
Eric liked to think he was. In any case, his cheeks were hot when Eric reached for Sangyeon’s face to pull him down into a kiss, stumbling backwards until the small of his back pressed into the edge of the kitchen island.
Either Sangyeon just completely threw all of these boundaries and principles out of the window the moment Eric pressed his lips against his, or they had already been hanging on a thin thread waiting to be cut, but in the blink of an eye Sangyeon had spun Eric around and lifted him up onto the kitchen counter.
The whiny noise Eric let out was half a sigh, half a moan. Fuck, finally. He wound his arms around the other’s neck and hooked his legs around him too, clinging to him as if he was never going to let go. He wasn’t planning to, at least not for tonight.
Sangyeon kissed him all the way to heaven, soon sneaking one hand under Eric’s shirt, tugging his hair with the other.
“Bedroom,” Eric mumbled against Sangyeon’s lips, so breathless he could hardly speak. “At the end of the hallway.” Sangyeon hummed against his lips in response, sending shiver after shiver down Eric’s spine, before he lifted him up into the air.
Halfway across the hallway, Eric suddenly giggled, threw his head back in laughter, breaking apart a kiss that had gone on for longer than Eric thought he could ever kiss someone without getting bored.
“Why are you laughing?” Sangyeon asked, a little surprised, nipping at Eric’s skin wherever he could reach.
“I just realized that you’re always carrying me everywhere,” Eric said. “When I’m hurt, when I’m drunk… and now…”
Sangyeon chuckled, eyes flickering over Eric’s face which was so close to his own. “I can let you down right now if that’s what you want.”
“Oh, don’t you dare—”
Eric tightened his arms around Sangyeon, pulling him back into a kiss.
“Carry me everywhere, okay?”
Sangyeon tossed Eric around in the way he had imagined. He undressed him, got rid of his shirt and pants and his own clothes just in the way Eric had dreamed of. He touched him in the way that he craved.
Eric wanted to capture the memories of that night permanently. He wanted to tattoo them onto his skin, burn them into his mind.
He wanted to never let go of that feeling when he lay in the middle of his bed that had been so excruciatingly big for just him alone, looking up at Sangyeon on top of him, being able to claw at his skin, sweet and sticky from sweat, and to kiss him whenever he pleased.
From then on, car rides were a lot more fun. Eric had never appreciated the tinted windows of his company’s minivan more. If he was being honest, everything was more fun. Waiting for interviews and going to red carpets and flying to schedules.
Eric was as happy as he could have been when the door of the silver van opened and Sangyeon smiled down at him.
It was the last day of December, less than twelve hours before the clock struck midnight and a new year began, and he had a day packed full of schedules, starting with a national TV interview and ending with one of the most prestigious red-carpet events of the country, and Eric was trembling with excitement.
“Hat off,” Sangyeon whispered. Eric smiled at him, pulling the large bucket hat of his head and tossing it onto the backseat. His hair had faded slightly over the last days and become more and more pastel instead of vibrant. Sangyeon, shielded from the eyes of the public by the black car door, carefully fixed a couple of wayward strands.
“Do I look okay?”
“You look very pretty.”
Sangyeon stepped to the side and Eric climbed out of the car, showing himself to the frenzy of flashing cameras. He felt Sangyeon’s presence behind him as he waved at the people waiting for him. He saw the entrance to the TV broadcast building, large glass doors with a bunch of security gathered to both sides.
Eric’s smile broadened. It would have been a lie to say that he didn’t enjoy it. He enjoyed the cheers, the attention, and knowing that Sangyeon was always there – so much that he didn’t notice the chaos in the crowd to his left, his eyes didn’t catch sight of a man elbowing through the people waiting behind the barrier.
He didn’t realize any of that, until the sound of a gunshot ripped through the excited cheers and clicking of shutter releases, and he felt someone, Sangyeon, the only person standing close to him, yank him from his feet, into a hug. No, Eric thought dully, it wasn’t a hug.
Screams went through the crowd, sirens, shouting, and an overwhelming ringing in Eric’s ears. The overload of noise and movement going on everywhere around him kept him in shock for a moment, kept him from realizing the situation, until something tugged at his sleeve, and he realized that Sangyeon, who was still holding onto him, sank to the ground.
Eric stared at him with widened eyes, him and the dark stain on his white shirt that spread fast, tainting Sangyeon’s hands pressing to the side of his stomach in red.
It clicked, and Eric’s world began to spin.
Everything went so fast and slow at the same time.
Just when Eric had fallen to his knees to lean over Sangyeon, who was panting, beads of sweat forming on his temples, pale, ashen color spreading over his handsome features, someone pulled him away. Who was it? His manager? The police?
Just when he was sat down in the back of an ambulance and a paramedic held a breathing mask against his face, telling him to try to breathe slower, he was already led inside a hospital.
Eric was crying, kept crying even as Chanhee hurried towards him and hugged him, patting his back in that brotherly way he had gotten used to from him. He asked for Sangyeon, every medical staff that passed him he asked about Lee Sangyeon, if they knew how he was doing, where he was, if he was going to be fine. Nobody gave him an answer, and Eric thought he was going to mad.
“He just got out of surgery. Your bodyguard.”
Eric stopped still, after pacing around the small room they had put him in for what felt like hours and rushed towards the nurse that had just entered so quickly he almost slipped.
“W-where is he? Can I—”
“You can speak to the responsible doctor. I’ll take you there.” The nurse smiled at him politely. The was led to the end of a corridor, where a handful of doctors were talking with hushed voices. They fell silent as Eric approached them. He was trembling, if again or still he wasn’t quite sure.
“Lee Sangyeon – i-is he gonna be fine?”
One of the doctors turned around to him. “He was very lucky – the bullet wasn’t close to any vital organs; his condition isn’t life-threatening. Once he wakes up, we’ll see how long he has to stay here.”
“He’s going to be able to fully recover, right?”
“There can always be unforeseen complications so I can’t tell you anything with certainty, but from what we know now, a full recovery is very likely.”
Eric sank down onto the bench on the wall behind him, his breath was a little calmer now, still shaky but at least a little steadier.
“When can I see him?” he asked weakly.
“Oh, you can visit him right now if you like to.”
Eric almost burst into tears again as he stumbled towards the hospital bed that Sangyeon was in. They had placed him in a single room, which Eric was more than grateful for. He reached for Sangyeon’s hand as he sat down on the stool right by the bed.
“Hyung…”
More he couldn’t get out. That was all he could say.
He stared at Sangyeon, the steady movement of his chest, the IV inserted into his arm, the bandage around his torso peeking out from beneath the grey hospital bedding. Carefully, Eric brought Sangyeon’s hand to his lips before he let his head sink against the outer part of Sangyeon’s pillow, not averting his eyes from the other.
“You idiot,” he whispered, “throwing yourself in front of a bullet for me.”
“Eric?”
“Hm?” Eric glanced over his shoulder, not letting go of Sangyeon’s hand, not raising his head from the pillow. It was his manager, approaching the hospital bed with cautious steps.
“About, um, about the schedule—”
“Call if off.”
“Excuse me?”
“Please call it off. I won’t go, neither to the interview now, nor to the fashion show tonight.”
“But Eric, you weren’t hu—”
“You heard me. I’m not going anywhere until he wakes up. Say that I’m not feeling well after what happened in front of the broadcast building if you will, I don’t care. I’m not leaving.”
“Alright, if you wish. I’ll let you alone, then.”
As Sangyeon opened his eyes, the first thing he saw was Eric’s face.
“Hyung? Can you hear me? Hm?”
Sangyeon nodded. His body hurt terribly, the pain slightly increasing as Eric flung his arms around him, burying his nose in the crook of Sangyeon’s shoulder, babbling about how glad he was, how scared he had been.
Sangyeon, still weary and weak, slowly wrapped his arms around Eric’s waist. Eric’s hair tickled his face. Sangyeon could smell his strawberry shampoo.
“Eric? Shouldn’t you be at your schedule right now?”
Eric leaned back to look at Sangyeon, a deep, very cute frown between his eyebrows. He was still clinging to Sangyeon’s hospital shirt, one leg hooked around the other’s thigh.
“Hyung!” Eric exclaimed indignantly. “You were shot because of me – why should I… how could I ever… I was so worried about you that it felt like I couldn’t breathe, I canceled it all right away.”
“Today was so important to you, though.”
“Oh, shut up. You’re so much more important. Hyung – how could you do that to me? Y-you shielded me from the bullet, didn’t you? It wouldn’t have hit you, they told me that the gunshot came from my left.”
Sangyeon’s lips broadened into a smile.
“Eric… It’s my job to protect you, remember?”
“Y-yeah, but… hyung, I was so worried for you.”
Sangyeon brought one hand to Eric’s cheek, wiping away some tears still clinging to his skin, and before he could even prop himself up on his elbows to kiss him, Eric dove in to catch Sangyeon’s lips himself. Uncharacteristically cautious for stormy Eric, but still hungry, brisk, demanding.
Without breaking the kiss apart, Eric climbed onto the bed, straddling Sangyeon, legs to each side of Sangyeon’s thighs – careful to not come anywhere close the shot wound on his stomach.
Sangyeon knew that they could easily be seen, and so did Eric – the door had a glass panel, there was a large window right across the hospital bed, a doctor could come in at any moment. Neither of them cared.
So what if they were seen?
So what if someone managed to snap a shot of them, of teen idol pop star Eric straddling his bodyguard on a hospital bed just when the latter had woken up from a hours-long surgery after taking a bullet for the other?
That would make a great headline.