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The skyline was absolutely gorgeous at sunset. The bright colors mixed with the darkening silhouettes made for a beautiful sight for the many Parisians that wandered the streets. Paris was almost always bustling with life towards the end of the day, as restaurants were still flourishing and sights were better than ever. No matter how many times one saw the city at a time like this, it was always just as stunning as the first time.
Ladybug was still amazed by it as well. Even if she was slowly losing patience at the lack of diversity in her day-to-day life, the setting sun was the one exception.
She took in the sight with a soft sigh. Although she couldn't bring herself to smile right now, Ladybug still felt better than she had in a while. The subtle sounds that rang out beneath her served as a distraction from her thoughts. It gave her a welcome sense of solace. Even the quiet thump behind her didn't disturb her content feelings. In fact, it almost encouraged the feeling.
Her partner sat beside her, legs swinging over the edge of the building, without a word. Silently, the two of them watched the sun slowly disappear over the horizon. It wasn't often Ladybug got the chance to simply exist like this. Every day was movement, constant anxiety, and the lingering feeling that she wasn't doing enough. She was always just a step behind everything and it never failed to trip her on the way. There were just so many things that she had to focus on; all of them leaving her with a terrible sense of dread.
But here, in this moment? Ladybug got a break. She got a chance to breathe and do nothing. God knows she needs to just do nothing sometimes.
As the sun finally slipped beneath the city and the stars appeared, she felt herself slump. Nighttime was definitely her second favorite time of day but as of late all it was bringing was akumas and responsibility. Two things Ladybug could live without right now. Night meant she has to go do things, like patrol, planning, homework, design if she had time, and literally everything else. It was honestly so exhausting.
There was always something burdening her mind. During the day it would be the constant anxiety that she'd have to leave class to risk her and her friends' lives to fight a terrorist's new pet project. Then at night, it would be the nightmares and memories that plagued her as she slept, blue eyes and white clothes that wouldn't leave her alone. The stress of her secret and her responsibility as the Guardian was driving her insane. She felt completely alone, despite having so many people who cared around her. Maybe that's why she felt so alone. Because Ladybug - no, Marinette had to lie to those people every day. Nothing she did was ever enough. Hell she couldn't even keep her identity secret without breaking down and telling her best friend.
She doesn't regret telling Alya, but it made her feel guilty sometimes. Not only did she place a horrible burden on her friend, but she also broke the rule that she held in place with her partner.
Ladybug took a deep breath to try and dispel the loud voices screaming in her head. Looking over at Chat Noir, she gave a small smile. He was still peacefully looking at the stars, oblivious to her mental anguish. But she was fine with that, after all, Ladybug was the one to make sure he didn't know. Just another secret she kept.
Her partner turned to face her with the same look of adoration as always. It filled her with warmth and an indescribable amount of guilt. She didn't deserve that admiration.
Looking away, she let out another sigh.
"We...we should start patrol."
Ladybug moved to stand, stopping when she felt Chat's hand on her wrist. She looked down at him.
"Or we could talk," he said. "You look like you need it."
She shook her head. "I'm fine Chat. We don't have time to talk, let's just get this over with."
Hurt flashed across his face but he immediately replaced it with an understanding smile.
"You're the boss M'lady. Lead the way."
They walked away from the ledge and Ladybug could feel the feeling of peace slowly leave her. Just a reminder that those moments were fleeting, she had more important things. She always did.
Letting out a huff, she threw her yo-yo towards a neighboring building and lept. Each toss of her weapon became more and more aggressive as she felt all of her emotions bubble up. As they approached a rather tall building, Ladybug glared and let everything she felt surface, just for a moment. She let out a yell and threw the yo-yo as hard as she could, relishing in the burn that it gave her shoulder. Then she was on a building again, looking over every building of Paris.
She didn't know how long she stood staring out at the city catching her breath. All she knew is that her strange daze was interrupted as a hand was placed on her shoulder. Ladybug didn't bother turning to look at her partner, she was too focused on sorting through the emotions that she let slip.
"City looks clear, I think we're clear for the night."
Oh, right. She was supposed to actually look at the places she was swinging around. Ladybug was too dazed and distracted to do the thing she insisted her partner do. What a fucking hypocrite. Wouldn't be the first time.
"Yeah, sorry." She finally turned to face him, "We can head home now."
"Right."
Neither of them moved from their position. After a few beats of silence, Chat sighed and dropped his hand from her shoulder. She missed the warmth almost immediately.
"I know you can't tell me much but if you do want to talk or vent, I'm here LB."
She gulped.
"I know you are Chat, I just," God why couldn't she just say something? "I don't want to worry you."
Great response Marinette.
"Ladybug..."
"It's a lot Chat. More than I want to burden you with. I can handle it."
Moving to walk away, she unhooked her yo-yo and prepared to throw it.
"Are you handling it?"
"I really don't want to talk about it. Let's just go home ok?"
"My lady please-"
"No." Ladybug whipped around. "Chat, I appreciate it but seriously, I can't just talk about it."
He stared at her, looking almost disappointed. Why would he be disappointed? This was about her not ranting about her problems and he's upset?
"What?" She demanded, feeling defensive. "Why are you looking at me like that?"
Chat sighed and walked over to her. He took her hands his own, making her drop the yo-yo.
"You're allowed to fall apart a little."
She let out a dry laugh.
"You'd think that, wouldn't you. But no, we don't get that luxury. You know that Chat."
"Who said we didn't? Just talk to me, I want to help." He sounded desperate now.
Her voice broke, "I can't."
"Why not?" His voice was so soft and kind it almost hurt. "You can tell me that right?"
No, Ladybug couldn't. But she had the feeling that her heart would break if she had to tell that to her partner. The sadness she knew it would bring him outweighed her guilt.
He continued before she could respond. "How much pain do you have to go through before giving up is ok?"
Oh hell. If his somber eyes weren't enough, those words definitely were.
She sighed and said, "I can't give up, because I'm supposed to be able to do this. I shouldn't be stressed, I have to be able to handle everything. If I can't then," she had to take a deep breath, "then I'm not enough."
Chat didn't respond, instead he pulled her down so that they were both sitting. He moved to her side and pulled her into a hug.
"I'm supposed to be the Guardian and that means I have to be perfect. I don't have time to stop. I don't get to relax or calm down. It's been two months since I've even cried! I can't even let myself have a breakdown 'cause I'm so worried about fucking Hawkmoth with his fucking butterflies!"
Her breaths were coming more rapidly and she felt her emotions start bubbling back up again. This time she barely had enough self-control to reign them back in.
"Why am I always freaking out over the next psychopath that attacks me when I should be freaking out over the next math test I get?! I'm so busy trying not to die and trying to learn a bunch of ancient texts I don't understand that I can't even worry about all of the teen girl things I want to do! I've been lying to my friends, my family, and my god damn crush for almost two years for nothing!"
The more choked up she got the tighter her partner hugged her. When she finally couldn't form a coherent sentence, she let herself sob against her friend. Her entire body shook as she gasped for breath, only to waste it screaming in anguish. She just felt so many things, all of them weighing down on her like a building (which she has felt the physical weight of by the way). Ladybug screamed and sobbed her throat sore as she clung onto Chat Noir's arms. The foundations that kept her emotions in check came crashing down the moment she heard him whisper 'I'm here'.
They sat like that for maybe 45 minutes before she finally calmed down to a soft hiccup and gasp. Tears were still slipping down her face but she couldn't find the energy to wipe them away. She would necessarily say she felt ok, but she felt better. Thoughts still raced throughout her mind as she practically laid against her partner, but they quieted each time he hugged her a bit tighter.
Chat tensed for a moment and she felt his hand move from her back. Had she not been completely silent, she probably wouldn't have heard.
"Cataclysm," he said quietly. The soft sound of ash hitting the ground made her curl further into him.
She knew it would happen eventually. Akuma's came at the worst possible time, so of course, they came now. Of course she couldn't even let herself feel without the threat of becoming a supervillain.
Chat's hand slowly returned to her back and pulled her in closer.
"It's ok My Lady, you're safe. I won't let him hurt you."
For the first time that night, Ladybug gave a genuine smile. Of course he wouldn't. He's here.