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Reki woke up, staring into the darkness of his room and wished he was anywhere else.
His head felt heavy on his shoulders as melancholy thoughts began to sluggishly crawl around, stretching their shapeless limbs, forcing Reki to retreat under his covers. His mind limbered up as he lay back down, succumbing to the knowledge that he wouldn’t be getting out of bed anytime soon.
It was inevitable that a bad day would hit, especially following stretching himself so thin – making Langa a new custom board, attempting to catch up with his neglected schoolwork, and desperately trying to fall back in love with skating once again. His mind had been scattered; his friends and commitments each holding a piece of him that they had forgotten to return, slowly letting the dark fog seep through the spiderweb of cracks in Reki’s mind. The same fog that misted his eyes as he lay motionless clutching his duvet, curled up like a small child taking refuge from the monsters under their bed.
His monsters were in his mind though, and no one could fight them off.
He sniffled, surrendering himself to the sleep that was weighing on his eyelids. His dreams that were usually colourful and busy, filled with exciting tales to tell Langa on the way to school, faded to grey, his brain rolling over and leaving his thoughts to seep through. The shadows were expansive and rolling, lazily tainting his body with unjust fatigue and unexplainable sadness. Though the bad days were inevitable, it never made it easier to pull himself through them.
Fleetingly, he wished someone could save him – that someone would swoop in and slay his demons, holding him tight and never letting him go; that he would be alright one day. He would make it through the night to see every tomorrow. He’d trace the difference in his face and think about how much he’d grown from the days he couldn’t even get out of bed.
That ‘one day’ kept him here during the times when he felt too much, during the times when he lost the fight.
Though he was growing tired of waiting for that ‘one day’.
As time trickled on, he remained routed in place, waiting for that sweet promise. His friends and family grew up and he fell apart, missing out on life – watching from behind the bars constructed by his inner psyche. The light was dimming, and he had no fuel left anymore.
He was tired of fighting the darkness alone.
A soft rhythm called out from his door as knuckles met wood. A gentle, “Reki?” met his ears.
He made no attempt to answer, sure his voice would betray his pain.
The thought of Langa seeing him in his sorry state filled his mind with sorrow. Langa was untouchable, a ray of light from above, blinding Reki. He was good and Reki didn’t deserve someone like him – someone willing to drop everything to stay. Anyone who stayed long enough would drown in the darkness polluted by his insidious mind. Reki couldn’t allow that.
Langa was too light. He would be stained irrevocably.
“Reki? I'm coming in, okay?” Langa paused, waiting to hear an answer, but was greeted by the sound of silence. Sighing to himself, he nudged open the door, allowing a brief dribble of light to pierce the room before closing the door behind himself, once again overwhelming them in shadow.
The lump on the bed shrunk in on itself.
Langa sat down on the edge of Reki’s bed, making no move to touch the distant form. Reki lay curled up under the covers, making no move to bridge the gap between them.
After a few moments of bated silence, Langa caved first, anxious to hear his best friend’s voice. “Reki it’s dark in here. Let’s open the blinds.”
Reki merely whimpered, poking his head out of the bedding and shaking it. His voice came out wobbly and hoarse when he spoke next. “No! Please just... no.”
Langa frowned, distressed at the state of the other boy. His eyes were swollen and bloodshot, his hair drooping forlornly over his face. “Okay.” Life was not kind to dreamers. “No blinds.”
Reki nodded and slumped back onto his flattened pillows. His bed was a twisted mess, the result of writhing around in his sleep and cocooning himself away from the world.
“Do you want to speak about it? I won’t force you to but… I’m scared Reki. Let me be here for you.” He pursed his lips at Reki’s lack of answer, adding an imploring, “please,”, seconds later.
Moments passed with only their breathing filling the still room.
“I have bad days. You don’t deserve to be sucked into them too. It’d be best if you just left now.”
Langa’s face crumpled and his throat seized. “Reki, I will never leave you. My heart is so full of you, it doesn’t belong to me anymore. I don’t even think I can leave, but I know I don’t want to.” He dropped his voice, allowing it to weaken to a whisper. “I want to stay. Please let me stay.”
Reki shook his head, seemingly expecting Langa’s resistance. “My mind is dark. You can’t want that; I know you can’t... and I don’t blame you for it.” He had rolled over to face his ceiling, willing his tears to stay pooled in his eyes, not giving his thoughts the satisfaction of letting them fall. Langa shouldn’t see them fall. He should be far away from Reki’s darkness. He should be safe.
Langa let his head fall into his hands, his voice coming out in a broken breath: “it’s us against the world. Don’t let your mind take that away from us – don’t let it take that away from me. I need you.”
“But I’m not worth it Langa.”
His voice swelled frantically. “You are!” Pausing to collect himself, he spoke his next words softly. “You are. It takes bravery to be kind in cruel situations; you are my courage. Please, I can’t lose you as well.”
Reki screwed his eyes shut, rubbing his fists against them. “You– you’re not listening to me. My mind is dark and scary and cold and, and I–” A wracked breath ripped its way from his trembling body. “I can’t let you see it. I don’t even understand it myself.”
“We’ll learn to understand it together.”
“I don’t want you to understand it!” Reki’s voice cracked. “It’s so messy and you’ll hate me for it. I can’t let it be the reason we fall apart. I… I can’t let it.”
“I couldn’t hate you even if I tried. I need you like the sea needs the moon. I could never hate you.”
Reki had long relinquished control over the tears that began to fall, wetting his face with the evidence of his grief. He shook his head. “You will.” His eyes stung. “You will.”
To that Langa simply reached forward, wordlessly pulling Reki to his chest and adjusting their position to rest against the headboard. Langa felt his heart clench as Reki fell apart in his arms, catching the shards and holding the pieces together, muffled sobs filling the air between them.
As Reki curled up closer to his chest, Langa threaded his hands through Reki’s unruly hair, massaging his tired mind. He refused to let the tears threatening to spill fall – Reki would think he had caused them and shut Langa out again. When Reki sealed Langa out, the world seemed to darken, rain falling to the ground as the heavens mourned. The two apart went against the nature of the universe; the sun and the moon may not be next to each other, but they remained interwoven, relying on the certainty the other carried. When Reki sealed Langa out, the world fell into darkness.
Langa’s love for the broken boy was all consuming. It filled his body with purpose and life, and he hoped one day Reki would believe him when he said he wouldn’t leave. Leaving would be to split his soul in half, gut-wrenchingly painful and pointless: he would always carry Reki with him – one could not simply snuff out the sun. His world would end before he got the chance.
Reki pressed his forehead into the crook of Langa’s neck; his bottom lip was wobbling. “I just want to be happy.”
The sobs quietened to sniffles and though the air became still once again, the anguish of today remained fresh in the eyes of both the boys. Words hung heavy in the air, as they basked in the only constant in the turbulent world around them.
Langa stroked Reki’s back. “We’ll survive. We’ll make it through this, you and I.”
They lay holding onto each other; they would weather this storm and they would one day dance in the rain.