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“I’m going to kill him,” she hissed, walking into the music room. Behind her, she heard the door to the room she shared with Kaz -- only as of recently -- slam closed, but she couldn’t entirely bring herself to care in the midst of her absolute fury.
It was only after she let the doors behind her fall closed that she realized Jordie was lying across the room on the couch, a book held in front of his face. She was almost surprised with how quickly he’d become acquainted with the house, seeing as he was lying there in the most casual pose she’d seen just about anyone take on any piece of Wylan’s furniture.
Either way, it didn’t really matter that he was there, because she was going to start talking, anyway.
“He wants to get the ship checked again before we leave. Again,” she huffed as she walked over to the armchair across from the sofa and flopped down onto it with as little grace as she could manage.
Jordie had already heard the basics of that debate, as had everyone else, seeing as Kaz brought it up at dinner the night before. She hardly had an issue with bringing it up in front of Jordie again, though; in fact, the few times she’d brought up any sort of issue in general with Jordie, he offered advice that just about made the world start turning again.
He appeared to be gearing up to do that again. Despite the arm she’d thrown over her eyes, she could tell that he was moving. She heard the book he was holding close, accompanied by the ‘thump’ of it being set on the coffee table beside him.
“Do you have a reason not to get it checked?” he asked.
The question alone sent prickles of annoyance spiking throughout her entire body. Spite, she thought. Spite, and to prove that I know what I’m doing when we make it back in one piece, anyway.
She threw her arm back away from her face, turning her head to look over at him. He’d sat up, partially, propping himself up on an elbow and grabbing onto his mug. “Because I’ve already had it checked,” she said. “It’s a waste of time to get it checked again. It doesn’t need it, he’s just being…” she threw her hand up in the air, gesturing with angered fervor.
“Overprotective?” he asked, setting his cup back down and leaning into the couch once more.
“Punctilious,” she grumbled, leaning into her own chair and putting her hand over her face. Jordie just nodded and hummed in acknowledgement, allowing a tense silence to take over the room. Two different sides of a battle, maybe.
She shook her head after a while, sitting up to turn and face him. “It’s just that he’s not usually like that. He’s done things before, but it’s always been within reason. He’s trying to micromanage it, but I can handle my own ship. I don’t need him to tell me to get it checked, especially not after I’ve already had it checked,” she rambled, anger seeping into her words.
Was it fair to be ranting about Kaz to his brother? No, probably not. Would she continue? As long as he’d listen, she’d keep talking. Saints knew that Kaz wouldn’t be hearing it.
Jordie nodded in understanding as she finished talking, eventually sitting up as well and turning to face her. “He used to be that way when he was little,” he mentioned casually. She realized he did that a lot, as if any information about Kaz Brekker wasn’t treated as gold in the Van Eck mansion. “Not get protective, really. Just try to help when it wasn’t necessary and stuff. He’d get yelled at by Da for it all the time,” he said. “I’d bet he’s just trying to help, though.”
She could imagine that. A little Kaz running around, trying to fix everything for everyone. It wasn’t too far off from how he was now, really.
The most frustrating part was that it made sense. If that was his way of showing that he cared -- the little act of love that she’d been searching for in him for so long -- then of course, she wanted it. But the lack of explanation and compromise… she’d sooner separate their rooms once more and move onto her ship than let him tell her what to do with it.
“I wish he’d say that before arguing about it,” she grumbled, leaning back against the chair and throwing an arm over her face once more.
“I don’t think you’re going to be getting that from him anytime soon,” Jordie said, a bit of weariness in his tone.
Immediately, it was alarm bells going off in her head. Kaz told Jordie so much now, more than he’d ever told her, she’d wager. “Why?” she asked, panic rising. If Kaz had told Jordie something, if there was anything truly wrong beyond a childish argument over the ship...
“I mean, he’s doing this, right?” he asked, moving to sit against the armrest, leaning against it. “He’s sharing that he’s worried by asking you to check the ship again. In his own way, but still,” he said. He looked like he was done talking, which made no sense at all to Inej, because what he’d said still didn’t make sense. Those things didn’t connect, no matter how hard she tried to piece them together.
Jordie took one look at her and continued talking. “That’s a big thing, isn’t it? He’s probably shitting himself just over that, but to ask him to admit that’s what he’s doing? You might as well ask him to tell you his entire life story.”
And then, the pieces clicked.
If Jordie Rietveld was good for anything, it was the advice. It was the little insights he could provide on people and how to interact with them.
“You could approach him, maybe,” he started. “Come up with a compromise. But I think he’s doing his best, here.”
It might have been the look of quiet, soft pride in Jordie’s eyes, or the way that he sounded close to pleading that she’d give his brother a chance, but any remnants of anger or panic melted right away. “I know,” she said. “I’m proud of him. I just wish it were different -- that he could tell me those things, you know?”
Jordie nodded, smiling that warm smile that he’d had on for most of the time he’d spent there. “I’m proud of him, too. But he’ll get there eventually.”
She nodded, albeit slightly reluctantly. Days like today, where there was very little real communication in return for a whole lot of anger, she wasn’t exactly sure how close to ‘getting there’ he was. It made her question if he had truly understood when she’d asked him to take off that armor for her.
Jordie tilted his head to the side at her reaction, the same way Kaz sometimes did when he was confused, and he looked up at her from the mug he was very clearly contemplating picking up.
“Do you want to know what I think?” he asked, moving to pick up the cup as he waited for a response -- that was another one of the nice things about talking to Jordie; he asked if she wanted to know something, and then he actually waited for a response instead of telling her anyway.
If she’d learned anything, though, it was that she could only really benefit from hearing what he had to say about Kaz.
So, she nodded, and he started talking.
“Did you explain why it was upsetting for him to be so pushy about it?” he asked, not a hint of bias to his tone; merely a question to be answered, regardless of what she’d say.
She shrugged, looking down at her lap. In hindsight, there were things about that argument that she wasn’t particularly proud of; particularly, her lack of patience. “I told him that I didn’t like being treated like a liability. I’m not his investment,” she said. “Not anymore, at least,” she mumbled under her breath as an afterthought, feeling a twinge of annoyance at the memories brought back from their argument despite her slightly new perspective on it.
Jordie tilted his head once again, this time in careful contemplation mixed with a slight hint of judging. “Do you think that you could maybe go into more… detail?”
And, yes, fair. That was fair.
“If he’ll let me,” she said. She still wasn’t certain exactly how their next conversation would go, seeing as the last one had ended with him saying that she could ‘just go and see what happens, then’ and her saying that she ‘would love to.’
“If he lets you,” Jordie said in a slightly teasing tone, “which I doubt you’ll have an issue with getting him to do,” he added, and Inej smirked just a little bit before he went on. “Explaining things always helped when he was little. He always needs to know how things work, why they operate the way they do. He’d probably try harder to be less like that if you explained.”
Which made sense. The concept of needing to explain why his absolute overbearingness was an issue again made her almost want to throw a knife in the wall, but it made sense. Especially if it really was as Jordie said, and he was just trying to show that he cared for her.
“I could try that, yeah,” she agreed. “It’s frustrating that he won’t just explain himself, though. It’s not me who’s doing this,” she grumbled.
Jordie nodded in understanding, offering a little sad smile. “I think it’s just that he’s spent so long afraid of getting -- what does he call it, pigeoned?” he asked softly, and Inej couldn’t contain her sudden laughter at the sight of his confused, almost entirely lost expression.
“Plucked like a pigeon,” she corrected easily, now pulling a knife off her belt and twisting it around in her hands. She watched as Jordie stiffened just a bit out of the corner of her eye, still unacquainted with both her and Jesper’s fidgeting habits. Apparently, the casual openness of handling a weapon wasn’t something so common to people from Lij.
Jordie nodded once he snapped out of his semi-shocked daze. “Yeah. He’s spent a long time worrying about getting… plucked, by the Saints, I’m sorry,” he said, letting out a loud and absolutely rioting burst of laughter.
“That’s so stupid, why do they call it that?” he asked, wiping his eyes before shaking his head. “Anyway. Worried about getting screwed over, essentially. Now he’s trying to let that fear go, right? But it can’t be easy after ten years of it, so he’s attempting to do Old Kaz techniques with New Kaz demeanor, which doesn’t mix,” he said.
She flipped her knife around as she spoke, letting out a sigh. “It seems like Old Kaz techniques never worked, though,” she said. He’d said earlier that he’d get yelled at for trying to help, right? So there clearly wasn’t much benefit to the Old Kaz ways. Especially not with the New Kaz demeanor.
Jordie let out a chuckle, shaking his head. “Oh, the Old Kaz techniques worked perfectly. He was the little joy of the neighborhood, that kid. Always running around taking things from place to place for Da,” he said. “It was more when Da was working on building that it didn’t work, ‘cause Kaz would hurt himself. One time he dropped a hammer on his foot after he was told not to touch the tools and Da had to carry him all the way to the medik.”
Inej smirked, because yes, that sounded like her Kaz. He’d do whatever he wanted, then he’d suffer the consequences. Usually, he managed to get around those, too.
“It worked better because he was eight, though. Same sentiment now, but without the big baby eyes,” he said.
And Inej could picture it, at that moment. Little Kaz, running around with his wide eyes and flopping little arms, trying to carry a basket of butter while he went as fast as he could across a little farm town. She could imagine him doing his very best not to drop the basket, but forgetting he was carrying it and letting jars tumble into the grass.
She smiled a bit at the mental image, knife stilling as she took in the picture. “If he was an eight-year-old, I imagine that it would be a lot cuter,” she said, and Jordie let out a snort, nodding.
“Most definitely,” he said. “I really am proud of him for trying, though. Even if his methods are skewed.”
“Me, too,” she whispered with a small grin. He had tried, and he had been trying for a long time. With all of the progress he’d made in being able to hold her hand and accept hugs and brief kisses. “He’s trying,” she said confidently.
“You know, even since I got here,” Jordie started, “he wouldn’t say a kind word to me for the entire first month.”
Inej hadn’t known that, really. She’d heard about the unrest between the two toward the beginning of Jordie’s time in Ketterdam, but not that it had gone on for so long.
But, still, she knew where this was going before Jordie even got a chance to say it; “Now, he’s my best friend and he’s only mean to me once a day,” he joked. Inej knew that wasn’t exactly true -- usually, if Kaz was having a bad day, he was mean a lot to everyone. If he was having a good day, though, she suspected that someone would have to pay him to be intentionally rude to Jordie.
Something about the beginning of Jordie’s statement, that he was his best friend… it made her almost want to cry. That, if anything, was a true marker of the progress he’d made. He’d gone from not admitting to caring for anybody at all, to staying with his friends more often than not and spending most of his free time with them.
It made her hurt for his younger self, who she’d watched push everyone away so much that he hardly spent time around the others when he could manage to stay away.
She nodded at Jordie’s statement with a small smile, tears almost forcing their way out. “He’s come a long way, hasn’t he?”
Jordie’s expression changed from mostly playful to thoughtful, still smiling. “He has,” he agreed. “Speaking of, we’ve been here for almost a half-hour. Do you want to maybe…?” he asked, nodding towards the direction of the doors to the music room.
As if on cue, she heard another door close softly on the other side.
“Yeah,” she said quietly, looking toward the door as she stood. “Thanks, Jordie,” she grinned, and walked away right after he nodded, going back to the position he’d been in on the couch before she’d interrupted his reading time.
Surely enough, Kaz was out in the hallway, walking in the direction of the music room as she walked outside.
They met each other halfway, standing a few feet away from each other in silence for a moment. Inej would not be the one to speak first, not when he had been in the wrong, not when he’d been on his way to see her, anyway. He had something to say, so she’d wait for him to say it.
It took a while, really. Probably longer than it should have. But after almost an entire minute, he looked down, avoiding her eyes. “I didn’t mean to make you upset,” he said simply. “I’m sorry.”
And that was enough, at least for then.
“Let’s talk in the other room,” she suggested, and he nodded. So, she led them back in the direction he’d come from back to the room they shared, and she explained. He visibly had to hold back from interrupting at certain points, but he listened.
In the end, they compromised; they’d check the ship on their own, not take it back to the Fabrikator they knew.
When she told Jordie that it had gone okay when he asked later, she could’ve sworn that she was not the only one close to crying happy tears.