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Seeking comfort was new the Wanyin. His sister of course had always don’t the whole “you know you can always come to me with anything” speil, and while he knew she was being honest, it was always just easier in his mind to let himself deal with it alone. Easier to lock himself away in the bathroom where his family wouldn’t bother him and cry for 5 minutes before coming back out like nothing was wrong.
He thinks the worst part is that no one noticed, but he’s never quite sure what’s worse, that no one noticed or they did but never said anything. Then again, would he have wanted them to say anything anyway.
There’s no such thing with Xichen around though. He’s so sneaky about it too. He, like his family, doesn’t say anything when Wanyin come out of the bathroom perfectly masking his little stint into tear town, but he does make a point to not leave Wanyin alone afterwards. He’s never overbearing though, simply just shares the space. Doesn’t initiate contact (which would have driven Wanyin up the wall), doesn’t invite him to speak (which would have earned him an excellent deflection and possible avoidance), he just makes sure to be in the same area. Same space, but still doing his own thing. Eventually Wanyin will come to him for contact, once his skin has stopped crawling, and Xichen seems happy with that.
Slowly, oh so slowly, the time between his bathroom cries and seeking physical comfort from Xichen starts to get smaller. What used to last roughly an hour has now whittled down to about 7-10 minutes. It’s progress Wanyin knows, and he once again isn’t sure if he hates it or not.
Before, when Xichen wasn’t always at his apartment (which is more than welcome even on bad days) hell, before Xichen was in his life at all, it was easy for Wanyin to get lost in the stew of self-deprecating thoughts. Easy to HAVE to overstimulate himself in order to stop doing something he’d regret when the fog passed. Now though, he had a support system, a horrible knowledge that he could indeed turn to Xichen when his shit got scrambled. Thus the coping got harder. He had to double down on stopping himself from smashing his head into a wall or breaking anything and everything around him just to feel something else. It was progress he knew, but it was also so hard.
All this is in Wanyin’s head when IT hits. He’d had a decent day, even made it through work without wanting to run into the forest and never come back, he’d come home, gotten a decent amount of kisses from his boyfriend, he was excited to start dinner. Then his phone pinged. The tone from the family group chat that contained his parents. He’d ignored it at first, choosing to focus on not burning the veggies or getting overwhelmed thinking about what steps making dinner entailed. Once he was done though, a simple very mild curry over rice sitting plated, he checked his phone.
It was a short conversation started by Yanli regarding Sunday’s family lunch. There wasn’t much to it, just a perfunctory who’s all coming (now needed that both Wanyin and Wuxian had boyfriends), if anyone wanted to bring anything. It was the last message that hit him though. “Maybe your brother can finally do something this time”.
He didn’t even check which parent the message came from, at that point it didn’t matter. The words were there, already taking up space in his head, already telling him how much of a failure he is.
But he’s good at this. Good at acting like he’s okay. So he sits down to dinner with Xichen, he tries not to look too tired, listless and aching. He isn’t sure if Xichen notices. Like always though, his boyfriend doesn’t say anything, just continues to eat while sending little smiles across the little table.
After dinner, Xichen offers to clean and Wanyin takes the out for what it is and says he’s going to shower. To be fair, he does shower, if he spends most of that time forcing himself not to scratch his arms open through the headache brought by tears, that’s his own business. He fails and adds that to the list of other failures as his nails rake over his shoulders. He’s not sure if it hurts anymore, so he continues. You’re not hurting yourself if it doesn’t hurt right? (He knows that’s a lie, but how else is he supposed to reason with it)
It turns his usually short showers into one that lasts an extra 7 minutes. When he gets out he’s shaky. He stands in the cold bathroom and shakes his hands out, rubs his face a few times before sliding his fingers into his hair and pulling. Pulling his own hair doesn’t feel like anything anymore other than an unhealthy comfort, but he knows its wrong. He’s trying so hard not to fall back into old habits, but todays mood had been shattered in in 9 words that he keeps going over again and again and again and again-
The knock on the door just barely manages to pull him out of his head. “I’m making tea, would you like a hot chocolate?” Xichen knows, and Wanyin is both angry and in awe. “Yes please” he answers in a perfectly even tone. He doesn’t really, but he says yes anyway because he knows even if he doesn’t want now, he’ll want when he comes down and then Xichen will want to make it anyway and it will be a whole thing. He’d love to switch off his brain in that regard, but he’s trying so hard to never be a problem.
“Okay Love” He can hear the comfort in Xichen’s voice. Wanyin is so soft for his boyfriend, he’s so fucking in love it makes him dizzy sometimes. Then Xichen is walking away and Wanyin has to force himself to get dressed, he makes a point of not looking at his reflection in the large sink mirror’s, he doesn’t want to know if he’s managed to leave marks. (he ignores the angry red in his periphery).
He steps out of his bedroom, dressed, hair wet and just stands in the door way. His hands flex and curl, flex and curl, the shaking itch under his skin needing him to move, to scream, to hurt, to break. As he watches Xichen move from the kitchen, mugs in hand, to sit on the couch, his head is so loud. Its loud and he has a headache from crying that’s only being made worse by the chewing of the inside of his cheeks and everything is such a mess he’s such a mess-
“I have a few e-mails to answer” comes Xichen’s comfortable voice. “Then we can watch something if you’d like?” Xichen already his tablet on his lap and Wanyin decides then and there to change his routine. Slowly he pads his way over before settling on his knees, on the floor where he can rest his head on the couch but still have his forehead touch Xichen’s thigh. He feels Xichen’s horribly large and horribly comforting hand rest lightly on his head before carding his fingers through Wanyin’s still wet hair.
This must be what meeting a God is like, think Wanyin. That first touch had already near wiped his head clean. The thoughts linger of course, but the fingers in his hair are like a shield, a barrier keeping him safe. “You don’t want to sit up here” he hears Xichen say, an offer to be polite so Wanyin shakes his head. “Feels” his voice is so croaky, he knows if he says what he means he’s going to start crying again, so instead he says “good” and hopes Xichen hears ‘safe’.
“Okay baby” with that Xichen works on his tablet, one handed as he keeps petting Wanyin. They sit like this for a while, Wanyin is drifting, has been drifting for a while. His mind his so empty, so quiet, soft and fuzzy in a good way, a way he’s not sure he’s ever experienced.
When Wanyin finally comes up its because the ache in his calves had began to twinge in an uncomfortable way. Xichen still has a hand in his hair, but he’s moved on from work to reading from what Wanyin can see. He lifts his head and Xichen looks at him, a loving smile on his face. “Hello my love, welcome back” there’s nothing but unbridled affection in his tone and it hits Wanyin like a ton of bricks. Good, soft bricks though.
Wanyin crawls up onto the couch, into Xichen’s arms that willingly hold him close, hold him tight. The tablet was moved, Wanyin isn’t sure when, but it doesn’t matter because he can now sit on his boyfriend’s lap and just cling. Xichen strokes him back with one hand, the other once again in his hair. Neither of them say anything about it then, Wanyin is too raw still and Xichen is considerate.
He does however, once Wanyin nuzzles into his neck and delivers a soft bite, say. “I love you too, so much” and Wanyin thinks he might go fuzzy all over again. To a degree he does, but it’s not as deep. He’s lucid enough to whisper out “you can continue”. He feels the little kiss to him temple before the hand on his back is moved to handle the tablet, the hand gently carding through his hair at his nape stays though.
Xichen reads, Wanyin breathes, collects his thoughts now with a barrier in place so they don’t all rush him at once. Its some time before Wanyin trusts himself to speak, and somehow understanding what he needs, Xichen doesn’t put his tablet down when he starts (it’s like he knows it would be too much to have ALL his attention). “I do so much for them”, he whispers. “Sometimes I wish I could stop so they’d notice how much, but I just…” Wanyin nuzzles Xichen’s neck again. “I don’t want to make them right”.
He receives a hum before Xichen speaks quietly. “You are very good my love”. His words warm Wanyin’s chest. “I am so proud of you and everything you do”. This is something Wanyin loves about his boyfriend. He doesn’t offer advice Wanyin has heard before, doesn’t give opinions said like truths. Doesn’t give answers unless asked. He just listens and loves. Its good. A change from how everyone else acts on the off chance he does unload.
“Thank you” Wanyin’s voice creaks with the words and Xichen kisses his temple again. This will be brought up again, not by Xichen because he’s patient and kind, but it will come up again. Idly he snuggles closer, receives another kiss, and settles. Xichen goes back to his reading and Wanyin plants a little kiss to his neck.
That’s a problem for future Wanyin. For now he just basks in this comfort and knows he’s loved.