Chapter Text
-Mondstadt’s Most Wanted-
Venti: lmao are you alright Diluc?
Diluc: no.
Kaeya: Oh? What happened?
Venti: An accident I’m afraid- I’m already thinking of funeral tunes for our bartender here.
Kaeya: lol did Diona do something?
Barbara: Oh no! Should I make my way over to you Master Diluc?!
Barbara: How serious is it???
Jean: Is he hurt? Should I come over too? Master Diluc, please confirm that you’re alright.
Diluc: I’m fine.
Kaeya: You deadass said ‘no’ to the ‘are you alright’ question. How about you stop contradicting yourself?
Diluc: How about you stop being an asshole?
Kaeya: Lmao, bitch ;) @Diona, what did you do?
Diona: I shot him in the fucking knee. Saw him walking past Cat Tail’s and that’s a federal crime.
Venti: Lolol I wish y’all could have seen it. The way his eyes widened- the way he screamed silently.
Venti: It is a tale to commit to memory.
Kaeya: Bested by a 10 year-old? Master Diluc, you’re really letting yourself go.
Diona: I’m 11 so stfu.
Venti: Fucking get him Diona.
Diona: I hate him ALMOST as much as I hate Diluc. Maybe I should ‘arrow to the knee’ him too?
Diluc: You probably should.
Kaeya: Nah. I’ll pass, thank you ;)
Jean: So you’re alright Master Diluc? Are you sure you don’t need any medical attention?
Kaeya: Lol he may not need medical, but I’m sure he’d appreciate YOUR attention, Jean dearest.
Jean: ??
Diluc: Please, ignore him. I am truly fine, Barbara already found me.
Venti: What’s this I hear?! Blooming Romance?! Please let me sing at your wedding!
Lisa: So we’re just gonna ignore the fact Barbara just so ‘happened’ to find the ever elusive Diluc?
Lisa: Also, Jean, are you going to join me for tea on your break?
Jean: Apologies Lisa, I’m afraid my break is just ending, maybe another time.
Lisa: Alright sweetie.
Kaeya: Lmao, look Diluc, Lisa has more balls that you!
Klee: Oh!!! What does that mean Mister Kaeya?!?!
Kaeya: To have ‘more balls’ than someone means being braver than them.
Jean: Kaeya-
Klee: Thank you!!! Do I have balls for going fish bombing despite being told not to????!!!
Jean: Klee!
Klee: Oops!!
Kaeya: Lmao yeah- and even more to straight up admit to it ;P
Klee: It’s ok to be in solitary confinement then!!! Because I got balls in return!!!
Jean: Guts. Please, say ‘guts’ instead.
Kaeya: Ah, please. The kid is curious is all, and I’m not one to lie.
Diluc: Yeah. You NEVER lie, do you?
Kaeya: Never ;)
Albedo: Can we kick the kids out please? I’m rather uncomfortable knowing what kind of topics you all like discussing.
Klee: Albedo!!! Hello :D PLEASE don’t kick Klee out!!!!
Kaeya: Albedo!!! Hello ;D PLEASE kick me.
Albedo: What? And hello Klee, I’m afraid we have to.
Venti: Man, suddenly I smell a masochistic simp around.
Venti: And yeah, let’s yeet the kids.
Klee: Oh ok. Bye bye :(
- Venti Kicked Klee and Diona from the group. -
Venti: No more knee threats tho. Can’t say if that’s a good or bad thing.
Albedo: Thank you. I’ll get back to work as soon as Klee stops crying.
Lisa: Oh dear. She’s crying?
Albedo: Yeah. I can hear her approaching my lab.
Albedo: I’ll make some bombs with her or something- it’ll make her feel better.
Lisa: You’re such a good brother, cutie. I’ll be sure to treat you to some sweets and a few alchemy books later.
Kaeya: I can come over and take care of Klee for you if you’d like?
Albedo: Thank you, Lisa. You’re much too kind.
Venti: Lmao, ignored your ass.
Kaeya: Damn ;(
Venti: Why do you wink in every ‘emote’ you send?
Kaeya: Because I only have one eye you insensitive fuck-
Kaeya: Also, @Diluc, do you see what a good older brother should be like? When was the last time you comforted me when I was crying?
Diluc: 1. We’re not brothers anymore, 2. You were a little bitch as a kid so stfu and 3. Fuck you.
Kaeya: @Barbara, can you heal emotional wounds? My brother doesn’t love me ;(
Barbara: Ah, my apologies Sir Kaeya, I don’t think that’s within my capabilities.
Kaeya: A shame. First I am ignored by a Prince and then, as though a nail to a coffin, my own brother disowns me.
Kaeya: Why am I still here?
Venti: Just to suffer? Lmao.
Diluc: Yeah. I’ve had just about enough of this for today.
- Diluc Muted the Chat.-
Venti: The man. The legend. Is gone. F’s in the chat.
Venti: I hate to see him go, but man do I love to watch him leave.
Kaeya: Fucking what now?
Lisa: I dunno Venti, I think Diluc isn’t attracted to minors-
Venti: Excuse you! I’m the oldest here, by far.
Venti: And shut up, it’s just a meme.
Kaeya: ;|
Lisa: My thoughts exactly.
Venti: Wow. I feel like, really attacked right now.
Venti: @Mona, tell them what I’m thinking.
Mona: What? I’m an astrologer. Also, what’s happening?
Venti: Irrelevant! Tell them they ‘suck ass and are wrong”.
Mona: erm. I dunno.
Venti: I’ll give you 5 mora.
Mona: The stars spoke, they told me these words: ‘Cavaly Captain Kaeya and Librarian Lisa, you can suck ass and are wrong’.
Mona: Do consider this higher message with care.
Venti: Lmao.
Kaeya: For 5 mora?
Kaeya: I’ll buy some food for you to say something else ;)
Mona: Food?! Would it be of my choice?!
Lisa: Alright there everyone, let’s act civil. Call it truce and move on.
Venti: Yes, thank you Lisa. I knew you were the brains between the two of you.
Kaeya: Ah, but of course.
Kaeya: I’m always civil. Though, I do have an inquiry.
Venti: ??
Kaeya: Let’s say I carry some… valuable information about a certain red head. Would you be interested in hearing it?
Venti: … What is your price?
Kaeya: Why, true gentelmen do not speak of ‘prices’ in a group chat. Meet me by the fountain in 5, we can discuss this little… arrangement then.
Venti: I understand. I’ll be there.
Lisa: Oh dear. I’m not sure if Jean will like the sound of that.
Lisa: Besides, didn’t you speak of some man you met in Liyue before?
Venti: I have a big heart is all.
Lisa: That so? From what little I know of the two of them their own hearts are rather small. Doubt one would take kindly to the other.
Venti: I see what you mean. I shall consider all things.
Lisa: I’m glad to be of help.
Mona: :
Mona: …. Anyway, about that food…