Chapter Text
It’s well known among Shinobi that their ancestors had access to stores of chakra that are unimaginable in today’s times. As the gene pool of clans varied and mixed, as families expanded, villages grew, the chakra stores available to a single shinobi became limited.
However much new abilities came forth, kekkei Genkai developed, the ability, the stores required to use those to their limit decreased coming to a point where the families started to divide in main and branch families where only the main families consisted of enough chakra stores to achieve their true potential.
This deficiency or drawback led to the invention of Artificial chakra. Different nations, villages developed chakra based on their own affinities and abilities, the types of clans that resided there and the potency required by their respective Shinobi. It was taken as understood that such a product was not to be marketed freely and it became a secret among the medi-nin and Shinobi of highest clearance only.
Tsunade-sama in her one of most glorious discoveries brought Chakra Vials to Konoha, the secret of which is guarded possessively by Konoha Shinobi. Even after her departure Chakra vials were used by Konoha Shinobi even though at limited stores and were kept only for those engaging in A and S rank missions and by ANBU. Clearance was always given at the Hokage’s disposal. No exception.
Kakashi, as happened to be the case with most things in his life, was given clearance for use of Chakra vials as soon as he had made Jounin at 11. Being a prodigy during times of war had its perks.
Minato sensei had been unaware otherwise Kakashi is quite sure that he would have thrown a tantrum at the Sandaime. He was always angry at Kakashi’s precocity.
The first time he used the chakra vial however hadn’t been during the war. It had been when he had went to rescue Rin from the hands of enemy nin, his chakra already depleted from his previous solo A rank mission. He frequently wished he hadn’t used any as even a death from chakra depletion then would have been enough for him. Better even.
However it isn’t that he doesn’t like the power they provide. The immediate relief, the spark of his lightening affinity flowing through his chakra coils at a rate that was unusual, the ability to follow through on a mission even when he thought he would be disposed otherwise was exhilarating to Kakashi. He had loved the feeling of being invincible in those moments. He had loved the feeling that he could be useful even when exhausted and depleted.
Rin’s death and his joining ANBU subsequently had provided him access to Chakra vials at a rate that had been impossible before. It made serving his village and atoning for his mistakes easier. He could be on missions as much as he desired.
His white lightening affinity chakra was special, it required him to go to medi-nins frequently depending on how much he was using his supply to restock the artificial form.
It stopped being a big deal when he could save his teammates on his second mission.
It stopped registering when he was made captain of his own team at 15.
For 10 years Kakashi persevered, enjoyed the sparks that lit his body on fire as he stuck needle after needle in his chakra points and spent less and less time in the village. He burning brightness of the white fang’s chakra as it flowed In him made him feel closer to his father. He felt useful and appreciated when teammates thanked him for rescuing them, ignoring the side eyes from concerned acquittances born of childhood ease.
Kakashi considers those 10 years the best most fruitful years of his existence. He protected konoha, he saved fellow shinobi, he completed unseemly missions, he copied a variety of jutsus and he was useful!
And then, one chilly evening as Kakashi had been between missions, the chakra vial safely tucked in his vest, Sandaime pulled him off of ANBU and thrust the role of a mere Jounin Sensei on him.
Well, there’s nothing mere about handling a team of inexperienced, hyperactive, super excited, overconfident gennin, Kakashi wanted to classify the task as S-rank minimum. The sparkly white vial weighed heavy in his chest pocket.
The Sandaime also pulled his clearance.
“Kakashi this will be your last mission with ANBU, I am pulling you off ANBU roster. It’s time for you to take a role in teaching the new generation of Konoha.”
Kakashi was too indebted to the hokage to ever question his judgement but he wanted to right now. Kakashi as Jounin sensei? Minato sensei would be laughing at him right now
“Uh…Hokage Sama I’ll always follow your orders and judgement but I am sure there are much better Jounin sensei available on roster than me?”
“That may be indeed. But you have served Konoha very well in your ANBU carrier kakashi. It’s been 10 years however and now I want you to take a different role”
In short the Hokage was afraid that Kakashi was well pass the prime time of going off his rockers as a Black ops operative and needed to take some time to get his head back on.
Kakashi sighed and bowed low to his hokage, this was long coming. Just yesterday Tenzou had been teasing him about his long years in ANBU ( not to say that the kid probably has been in Root/Anbu for longer than Kakashi.
“Anything else Hokage-sama?”
“Yes Kakashi. I am also pulling your clearance from use of Chakra vials. Your medical scroll will be replaced after this mission, you’ll of course have to visit the hospital for your regular appointment still but that can be arranged according to your schedule.”
Kakashi’s heart thumped wildly in his chest. The chakra vial stored in his breast pocket felt like it was burning a deep hole in his vest and just wanted to embed itself in his veins. Kakashi felt the need to protest and he did,
“ Hokage-sama, what about s-rank missions? I am frequently sent on those and as a Jounin sensei I won’t be expected to immediately pass a team.”
“Yes I know that’s what you are counting on but I hope you won’t restrict someone’s development just because of that. Regarding missions, I am hoping you won’t be required to sent to high rank missions and we will be able to manage without your skill set, we are in better relations with other villages after all.”
But Kakashi wanted to be useful to his village in ways he knew how! This teaching business isn’t meant for Kakashi! He’s already killed two of his comrades (friends) and that too when he had just become a Jounin.
Kakashi glared in the direction of his ANBU black slippers.
“ kakashi-kun”
“Hokage-sama?”
“You have placed your trust in me for years now, I can assure you that it won’t be misplaced now. This is for your as well as Konoha’s good Kakashi. Please leave for your mission. Your squad must be waiting.”
“ yes, Hokage-sama”
This time when Kakashi took the medical scroll from the mission desk he took the time to take the chakra vial present in it and store it in a scroll specially sealed with a hatake blood seal at his apartment. If he could help it he won’t be using the one vial in his breast pocket either, he could take the time to recuperate after his mission this round, he’ll have enough time to anyways.
However he would need these vials in future for protecting his fellow shinobi and serving his village to his utmost capacity and more. Kakashi’s been prioritising his missions, his comrades since he entered ANBU and one never leaves the black ops.
The mission is particularly gruesome and long and Kakashi was forced to rely on the sharingan when two of his companions went down early in the fight. They had been unlucky, misinformed and outnumbered. Despite all the odds that were stacked against them, Konoha shinobi are not feared amongst other nations for nothing. Not to mention ANBU.
So they came out alive of the whole ordeal worse for wear but alive and mobile nonetheless.
Kakashi even managed to preserve his chakra vial even though they had to make frequent stops in their journey for him to rest. Nobody questioned anything having gained the understanding that he was just bidding his time reaching their village where he’ll be relieved of duty and they’ll have to find a new captain for the team or would be assigned to new teams, which honestly nobody was keen about.
“ senpai?” It was largely understood that Tenzou had to be the one to disturb kakashi whenever he was in one of his moods.
“Mhmmm?” Kakashi was not in the mood for any words even for his most beloved Kouhai. Not that he’ll ever acknowledge that to Tenzou.
“ are you going to appoint someone in your stead, senpai?”
Ah, Tenzou, always so serious and always coming to the point of discussion. It might be Kakashi’s fault that the kid is even more socially inept than himself.
“ mah, I have been hoping you had be the one to take up the mantle Tenzou” Kakashi drawled, unable to pass the opportunity to tease his dear Kouhai and see him make weird expressions. From the sound of the shocked gasps and barely concealed laughter and coughs, kakashi knew he succeeded.
“ Senpai!” Tenzou shouted indignantly. Kakashi was however happy that he managed to get away with calling his Kouhai Tenzou!
“ and don’t call me by that name senpai” apparently not. Tenzou is too stuck up about rules for Kakashi to get away with this one thing he indulges in.
“Mah, Tenzou you always try to sabotage all my fun” he gave Tenzou a eye smile conveying that he clearly had been joking and wasn’t offended with him. Tenzou could be quite sensitive about these things.
It was Yugao who asked this time,
“ Cat is correct senpai. If you don’t appoint someone yourself then we’ll either be disbanded or appointed a new captain”
Kakashi could detect a hint of pout in his usually stoic female companion. He smiles her way and said trying to reassure his team,
“ I am sure whoever is chosen by ANBU commander to be your captain would be more than capable of the position. I’ll request with Sandaime sama to not to dismantle the team for now though. And I was actually not just teasing Tenzou” he said pointedly in Tenzou’s direction.
“ I don’t think I am ready for that Senpai.” Tenzou said quietly.
“ well, sometime you’ll have to be” Kakashi pointed out, not trying to be mean but not wanting to let Tenzou degrade his own capabilities.
He was more than ready to escape from this conversation however,
“ mah, let’s make pace, we are not much far from the village”
“ as if you haven’t been deliberately delaying the inevitable” their most silent companion, boar, who is also closest to Kakashi in age teased openly this time.
“ mah, you all are just busy with teasing me it seems, you know I can still write a bad report”
“Senpai, even if you did bother to write one I am quite sure that your minimal account won’t be accepted at the mission desk.” Cat teased Hound respectfully. After all he’s the one who’s swamped with writing reports every time.
“Mah mah all these negative feelings against me. I am not really feeling the love” kakashi drawled pouting exaggeratedly behind his mask so that it could be seen.
“There isn’t any” boar agreed. Cat and Bird snickered from behind and kakashi as a punishment to his undisciplined subordinates increased his pace by bounds.
He’ll miss his team. He doesn’t want to accept that he’s formed bonds with them and would do anything to protect anyone of them even after leaving ANBU but he’s not delusional either.
He had accepted and stayed in ANBU so that he’ll be able to distance himself form his feelings and all the hurt that his heart contained in the aftermath of Minato sensei’s death but ultimately it’s ANBU that gave him strong friendships while also giving him somewhere to focus his grief on.
Kakashi would miss this.
But it was not just the thought about leaving his peers of 10 years behind that was making Kakashi feel nauseous nor was it the impending chakra exhaustion, it was the thought of not having any access to chakra vials and not being able to stand at his comrades side without a thought going to his extremely unstable chakra levels due to the ever draining sharingan in his head. Kakashi respects this momento Obito trusted him with while dying but Obito’s always been a thorn to all of kakashi’s plans in life.
Kakashi however has contingency plans.
Not that he gets the chance in three years when at the most he’s sent on only A-rank missions, he sometimes manages to bribe the mission desk workers ( never Iruka!) into giving him solo ones however Sandaime sama is determined to keep his reckless self alive by any means necessary until he takes on a genin team.
But Kakashi would rather suffer from chakra depletion and an ever encompassing guilt than subject himself to the antics of newly graduated genin. Hence they both come at a standstill for a few years.
It’s also around this time that Kakashi meets Iruka sensei other than the time he’s spent messing with the man (and getting scolded over bad reports) in the mission room, one of the most promising seals and traps specialist Konoha has seen after Minato and Kushina who unfortunately chose academy teacher as his profession after a mission gone wrong.
He’s surprisingly good at it too. Someone Kakashi wished he had had during his own short year at the academy. He’s the one who pushed Neji Hyuga’s graduation to later citing believable reasons and antagonising Hyuga clan alongside. He’s also the one upset over not being able to understand the jinchuriki of the demon who killed his parents.
Precious really if kakashi would say so. And a naïve young individual who believes in the sandaime’s principles. It isn’t that Kakashi doesn’t trust the old man, it’s just that Kakashi believes that the Sandaime in his old age has different priorities than a hokage should have. It doesn’t matter to Kakashi though.
Back to naïve Iruka. The enfolding incident sparks a sort of not friendship between them and Kakashi couldn’t help a genuine smile when Iruka thanked him. It was all so anticlimactic but Gai shed some manly tears over kakashi making new acquittances in the prime of his youth. Shinobi as always are terrible gossips.
Having said that even with his slight acquittance with Iruka sensei who’s the most loved sensei ever born in the history of sensei and someone whom kakashi likes ( loves! Shut up Genma) to antagonise deliberately in the mission room with bad reports, kakashi is still reluctant about taking up a genin team. Or nobody manages to pass really. It isn’t his fault.
It lasts up until his sensei’s legacy-Nine tailed fox’s Jinchuriki ( kakashi’s heart aches thinking about the young boy and the life he has led) graduates from the academy alongside the only living Uchiha heir they have left in their village (another one of Kakashi’s failures. Itachi uchiha) and Sandaime sama gleefully informs kakashi that he’s the Jounin sensei for their team.
Then Kakashi realises that the previous years were only Sandaime sama preparing him for this very scenario quite cunningly. Kakashi respects genius and reluctantly as always accepts the challenge. There’s no choice here though, he’s aware. He’s getting the chance to test them just to gauge their abilities, he always knew he had to be the one to lead them on their paths. Especially Sasuke. Sooner the better he supposes.
He didn’t expect to actually like the kids.
Naruto’s boisterousness (so much like Kushina’s) and his ever inquisitive blue eyes (just like Minato sensei) grows on him quickly like Minato sensei had done in those days. He’s unpredictable and annoying but kakashi regrets not having been a part of that kid’s life. He regrets a lot of things he’s done or not done. It’s only Naruto he allows that bit of physical affection kakashi usually keeps stocked up for Gai’s unexpected visits.
Sakura is mostly a Fan girl but Kakashi recognises that at base level she’s also a fearsome kunoichi who hasn’t yet recognised her own strength. And is too loud and emotional. Kakashi is confused about her and it makes him dubious and he doesn’t like it.
Sasuke is a version of him he would have liked to avoid at any cost. Loosing his whole clan at a young age and facing anger towards someone who had been supposed to be his hero. He’s filled with anger and a loneliness that Kakashi recognises too well but is unable to do anything about. It had been combined efforts of his team and his friends (reluctantly gai) that had given him the strength to live and be the tool he’s supposed to be. He doesn’t think Sasuke is driven by the same ideals as he was and thus he doesn’t know how to deal with it. It’s also surprising for him that he doesn’t want sasuke to be a tool for the village.
Not Naruto nor even Sakura. Kakashi believes he’ll just have to be competent enough to be a tool for all four of them.
The following few weeks are a mess of D-rank missions, pranks and avoiding his students at any cost. And of course a few simple A-ranks that Kakashi manages to snag so as not to completely drown in boredom and keep himself fit and fine. He’s also realised, now off of chakra vials that these are a good way of increasing his chakra stores for long term!
Kakashi’s respect for his sensei has suddenly increased a thousand folds after having to deal with the rivalry between Naruto and Sasuke.
Kakashi knows Naruto is getting more and more frustrated with the level of their missions and he is sure they are going to have to deal with a tantrum soon enough. He however hadn’t expected for the Hokage to give in to it. That old man sure has a soft spot ( or perhaps a guilt complex) for Naruto.
The mission didn’t seem like much at first glance but something about it bothered Kakashi. He’s heard of the land of waves and he’s aware that their political situation isn’t that great. There was something larger at work here. Kakashi on a whim secured one of his limited supply of chakra vials with him. He won’t ever let anyone get hurt in his presence.
It proved to be a good decision after all. Kakashi is well aware that with sharingan although he’s managed to increase his chakra reserves over the years they are still not at par with the uchiha and certainly not enough for a continuously draining sharingan eye. He’s just glad he had had the foresight to save these vials while in ANBU.
Nobody suspects anything except when Sakura gives him a suspicious look when he’s suddenly fine during Zabuza’s attack. However she isn’t yet a medical ninja and Kakashi barely has any skills in that field so he doubts she’ll ever suspect anything beyond dirty tricks.
Kakashi learns never say never again is a bull shit excuse for ignoring skills and intelligence.
When they get back from the long mission, It’s easy to skip the training with his students when he’s chakra depleted and essentially on vacation as per hospital orders. He won’t develop their relationship anything beyond a captain and his subordinates. Kakashi knows what attachment does and he’s not yet ready to loose someone else precious to him.
It just might be too late for him however.
The Chunin exams come and go and Kakashi is reminded why he’s never been suitable for being a regular Jounin much less a Jounin sensei who require a much more heightened sense of vigilance and care then anyone else in the village having the lives of young generation in their hands.
And it’s not just about skill development or fighting techniques.
Kakashi certainly doesn’t understand the concept because somehow it’s his students goading others into being injured and it’s his students only suffering life threatening injuries or situations.
It’s only their tenacity and their ideals that they come out of it alive.
Gai supports Kakashi at that moment but he lets Kakashi know later, in no uncertain terms that what a colossal fool he’s been. Pushing his students into being soldiers like he’s been all his life. It’s the exact opposite of what he had thought for his students in the beginning.
It’s Naruto’s success that brings a fool like kakashi back to the land of living after his foolish confrontation with Itachi and Tsunade’s rough comment and Gai’s lack of care (much less Naruto and Sakura’s who are obviously more concerned about sasuke) hurts something deep inside Kakashi which is indescribable.
It makes him miss the rush of chakra flowing through his coils which used to warm his heart quite successfully when he had had the luxury of taking it. It had made him feel useful and powerful while at this moment he just felt…helpless. The endless cycle of being vulnerable and at someone else’s mercy looping back around in Kakashi’s head.
It’s a relief that Tsunade sama believes that Kakashi’s just plain incompetent and tired and is capable of handling a two day short mission.
Kakashi is once again reminded that he has never been good at keeping promises when he comes back.
So when Sasuke leaves, when the only reprimand Kakashi receives is in the form of sad and grief stricken faces of his young students and disappointed looks from his fellow Jounin all Kakashi can think about doing is taking that scroll of S-rank mission from Tsunade sama, stock up his medical scroll with the chakra vials from his own stack and leave the village. He doesn’t like feeling useless even though that’s what he’s been most of his life.
Useless despite being one of the best Shinobi’s.
It’s the reason he doesn’t protest when Jiraiya decides he’ll take up Naruto’s training and take him away from the village. He has no right to when all he’s taught his students has only ever put them in further jeopardy.
When Sakura decides she’d like to train under Tsuande sama, Kakashi doesn’t produce the sealing scrolls he had been carrying with him, doesn’t give her the scroll with all his painstakingly acquired collection on fuinjutsu and genjutsu which he had been thinking about focusing on with her. It’s then, seeing her excited smile and hopeful expression that kakashi realises he’s made mistakes at every turn of this new job that Sandaime had trusted him with. Most of which stemmed from his lack of attention.
He had never thought that he’ll be too late to preserve something so precious to him after loosing once already.
Kakashi smiles at her and gives her his best wishes.
With the Godaime taking over and correcting all the ways Hiruzen was laid back, there are many S-ranks lined up these days and with all his students gone to learn from the Sanin, Kakashi’s more than happy for being sent on missions left and right.
The compulsory recovery period shortened to one day if the Jounin returning is un-injured and not chakra depleted. Kakashi has learned to hide his injuries from her well enough in his younger years, it’s the chakra depletion that had become a nuisance yet again, leaving kakashi often frustrated with his situation.
The loneliness of the white walls of the hospitals get to him when there are no rambunctious kids to interrupt his rest.
It’s after his second S-rank in a row which lands him in a hospital for 4 days straight that Tsunade-Sama calls for him and tells him in no uncertain terms,
“ Kakashi, I see here that Sarutobi sensei had taken away your chakra privileges, I am going to reinstate them, do you have any objections to that?”
She lifts her eyebrows clearly not expecting him to protest.
Kakashi feels a thrill go down his spine, his heart rate spiking and his body already thrumming with the anticipation of feeling the power of a body high on chakra. He certainly has no objections.