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"How many days? Nights?" Keqing reiterated, more sternly this time. "How many days and nights have you spent sleeping instead of–“
"Fourteen."
The adeptus’ rather brusque answer took her by surprise, given how unwilling he’d been to share the first twelve times she’d asked.
"Fourteen days," he elaborated monotonously. “And fourteen nights.”
Keqing sighed, shaking her head. “I don’t understand. All this time, I was under the impression that adepti didn’t need to sleep…and that doing so was difficult, if not impossible. Why would you willingly put yourself through this?”
Initially, Xiao was quiet. He opted to instead cast a blank stare her way, to which she cheekily replied, “Your words, not mine.”
The answer was simple. But the delivery? Not so much…
…Which was to say, it was Xiao’s turn to sigh and shake his head. He had to force his voice to stop trembling when he spoke up.
“Because it is the only way I’m able to see you again.”
Keqing exhaled a breath she’d been oblivious to holding.
Today marked three months since she’d first visited Xiao in his dreams – three months since she’d breathed her last, since she’d died not in his arms, but in a pool of her own blood.
Unfortunately, the afterlife, while bereft of violence, wasn’t any more peaceful in comparison. How was her spirit to rest, light and carefree, if the greater part of her was weighed down by the heart she used to have?
How was she to bury the very essence of her old self when Xiao insisted on unearthing it, on keeping it afloat?
Not that he’d admit to that, or at least not directly. “Because it is the only way I’m able to see you again” was akin to a confession - the most he had offered her emotionally since her passing. Anytime Keqing tried to prod any sort of sentiment out of him, he’d pivot. Quickly. Blatantly.
So, of course, she no longer bothered asking...that is, until just a few moments ago. She yearned to express relief, or perhaps gratefulness toward his admission. Instead, her once beating heart sank lower.
“Surely, you’re joking,” she countered. “You must be. What happened to partaking in all of the hobbies we’d once shared with each other? Cooking and reading? Going out on walks and making jewelry?” The former Yuheng scoffed unwittingly, shaking her head for what felt like the umpteenth time. “There has to be something you prefer over living vicariously through these...dreams of yours.”
Dreaming? Hallucinating? Xiao was never sure which, and quite frankly, he never cared. That day, the both of them were sitting atop the highest pillar in the Huaguang Stone Forest, one adorned with a field of qingxins and perfumed with the smell of violetgrass in the distance. All the while, a warm breeze filled the air, toying with the lush, lilac locks he’d once run his fingers through. He fixed his undivided attention on the sight...the serenity of it all.
"Xiao, please." In a flash, Keqing had snapped him out of his reverie. Xiao forced his gaze to return to hers. Normally, he was so alert - ready for anything. His title of “Vigilant Yaksha” hadn’t been coined for naught, after all. Yet, there were moments when he wished he hadn’t been so observant - when he wished that he was numb to the concern furrowing her brows and the desperation in her voice.
He shut his eyes and exhaled deeply. "If such a preference exists, then I’ve no knowledge of what it could be."
"But you loved baking cakes,” Keqing protested. “And you loved reading Liyuen history books. And taking strolls along the shoal. And -” A pause. Her gaze briefly retreated downward, boring a hole into the grass before reuniting with his. " - You loved making little trinkets for me.”
"No,” Xiao dismissed, more harshly than he’d intended. And before she could argue, he added more softly (more sadly), “I loved doing those things with you.”
“I did, too.” Her heart sank several layers, bordering the equivalent of an ocean’s abyssal zone. “I did. I really did, but...there was also a greater purpose for it all.” Keqing lifted both hands to quell her temples. “These activities were meant to serve as quality time between us, yes. That was important. They also, however -” She gulped down a lump forming in her throat. “- Were meant to keep you entertained and more importantly...comforted in the event that I…died.”
Another gulp, another second of staring misty-eyed at the grass she sat on. “Of course I would consider something like that. I’ve never been good at minding my own business, but I figured I’d start there…better late than never, hmm?” Keqing drew a hand toward the adeptus, lightly setting it on the dip in his shoulder. She noticed him shiver the instant they touched.
“In other words, I set the stage for you to move on, but Xiao…” Her hold on his shoulder tensed. “…It’s up to you to perform on it.”
"...Respectfully, you have placed too much faith into the hands of someone unfit for the limelight.”
"Mmm, respectfully, practice makes perfect."
Xiao scoffed, rolling his eyes. "You have also placed too much importance into honing that rashlike persistence of yours."
"Thank you."
At last, he moved to fully turn his head toward her. Keqing was the zenith - a bright (the brightest) spot amidst even the golden glow of the sun, the qingxins’ pristine petals. Her tired eyes and windswept hair and tombstone be damned, she remained as she was - as nothing short of the woman he’d fallen head over heels for.
If time allowed the adeptus to spend his eternity in this place and in her company, he would.
Only in sleep would she visit him.
But beyond that slumber, he couldn’t help but wish that she’d stay just a moment longer.
Unsurprisingly, Keqing knew what he was thinking. She repositioned her hand, reaching it further forward to caress his face. “Xiao…”
"Hm?"
"I can only imagine that you remember our last conversation before I died. Is that right?"
"Yes."
"I'm sorry."
"What for?"
Keqing exhaled through her nose. "I said 'if' - if I would survive. I should have made that more of a priority."
"You vowed to protect Liyue no matter the cost."
"And that’s exactly what I’ve been saying to myself, trying to justify it. But I just barely succeeded, if you can even call it that, and I also lost my life for it."
The adeptus bowed his head, intent on looking at anything except her. It took an admittedly large amount of effort for him to keep his voice steady as he responded.
"You may not be alive to share and reflect on your experience, but your sacrifice was far from futile. Liyue would have fallen completely had it not been for you. What are the chances of anyone else being able to say that?"
"But what does it matter?” The late Yuheng retracted her hand, using it to coax the phantom ache in her chest. “There was much I’d yet to accomplish in that life, and more importantly...our adversaries are still at large, what with the Fatui rising in power and the Abyss entertaining the role of divine judgment." Here, he noticed that the fire in her eyes had been put out - lifeless, purposely blinded.
Had it not been for his emotions running rampant, Xiao would have barked out a laugh. Instead, he opted to reach his own hand out, weaving it together with one of hers. "You have spent much of our time tonight running yourself ragged over my complacency, yet...it would seem that you haven’t moved on from this twist of fate, either.” He claimed Keqing’s chin with his other hand, carefully tilting it upward in tandem with his own head. A chill coursed down his spine once their gazes reunited. “You’re the same as me, unable to part ways with the ‘Keqing’ you once were. But what you must realize is that there is no ‘old self’. There is no ‘old life.’ You have always been and will always be just as you are." Xiao leaned ever so slightly to press their foreheads together. “Beloved...how do you expect me to come to terms with your death when, in my eyes, you remain full of life?”
Keqing allowed herself to indulge in a contemplative silence, squeezing his hand as she pondered his sentiments. "I understand and, to some extent, even agree with some of what you’re saying." She raised their joined hands to gently press her lips to his knuckles before surrendering her grip on him completely. "But ultimately, it doesn’t matter what we think or how we feel. The reality of it is that we’re presently communicating through a dream - spending time together in some astral plane outside of the corporeal world because I was slain in battle.”
"Well, it feels real enough,” Xiao argued, uncaring of how defensive he likely sounded. He reclaimed her hand in his, tangling and untangling their fingers together as if to prove a point.
"I wish I could tell you it was real. But what good will it do you if I placate you with a lie?” Keqing grazed his thumb with hers, a note of melancholy in her tone. “How many times must I remind you that, outside of this ‘dream,’ I'm dead?"
"Rest assured, I need not be reminded," he said coldly. Golden eyes flitted away from her features, sulking at some arbitrary point in some arbitrary distance, once again unwilling to even glance her way. "Nothing has been more defining of my life."
"You know I’d apologize again, if I thought it'd help."
"You being here helps."
“But all dreams come to an end eventually, Xiao.” A wan smile flickered on Keqing’s lips, her eyes pleading with his to reconnect. "You can't linger here forever."
Xiao knew that. Of course he knew that - and better than most to boot. But it was as she had said all along: he was unwilling to let go and unwilling to recognize that as harmful to his well-being. Why should he coerce himself into following that line of thought anyway? Was there really so much harm in him willingly spending hours asleep, if it meant being able to see his beloved?
Surely, it was better this way. Juggling a double life couldn’t be that cumbersome, not if it was for Keqing.
"Xiao. I know you're listening."
Xiao withdrew his hand with a groan, rolling to his side so that an ample amount of space separated them. To his chagrin, she picked herself up to close the distance he had made.
He sighed, still refusing to look at her. "What am I supposed to do with you?"
Keqing coiled her arms around his waist. She scooted a hairsbreadth closer to rest her chin on his shoulder. "You tell me."
Another sigh. Xiao mustered the courage to prop his head against hers. "I've never been good at relaying my feelings, have I?"
"No, and you're still terrible."
"Huh.”
"What?" Keqing demanded, a hint of agitation clear in her voice.
That alone was enough to elicit something more - something vulnerable - from within him.
"I love you, Keqing." And suddenly, he had laid the bewildered Yuheng over onto her back, hovering over her, regarding her with a tenderness he had misplaced three months ago.
“I love you, and I always will. There are no words in any language capable of describing how enamored I am with you…and how happy you make me.” The adeptus then laid himself down right beside her, carefully gathering her in his arms. “When I saw what had been done to you, I couldn’t believe my eyes. I could have died myself, and then died several times over again, if it meant trading my life for yours…if it meant granting you the chance to live as you deserve.”
"Xiao..."
"Beloved,” he pressed on. He clung onto her more tightly like a lifeline, burying his face into the crook of her neck. “Please do not abandon the life you lived nor the legacy you created. Do not abandon our history nor our prospective future together -“
It was then that Xiao loosed a particularly curt sigh, so to conceal a sob he’d failed to choke back. “- Do not abandon…me. I'll strive to be perfect for you - to be whoever you need me to be…no matter the cost, just as you had done for Liyue. Simply tell me what you want. Tell me what you need.”
Blinking back tears, Keqing cupped his face with both of her hands, her thumbs running across his cheekbones. "You’ve been suffering, love,” she stated. "We both have. And that is exactly why we have to move on.” She craned her neck to briefly capture his lips in hers before moving to adorn the rest of his face with chaste kisses.
“Xiao,” she implored. Her voice was small and muffled against his skin. “I love you, too. But we can’t keep hurting each other. This…this is goodbye.”
Xiao did not reply, or at least not verbally. Instead, he pressed himself closer to her. Keqing swore she felt tears soak into the back of her neck.
They stayed that way until morning came, awakening him with a start.
He no longer knew how to sleep after that.