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0. Prologue
Touya restlessly paces the living room, eyes glued to the TV. This isn't the first time Hawks has been in a life-threatening situation since Touya came out of prison, but there's something about the sheer scale of this one, about the maliciousness of the damage and the amount of casualties that sickens him, and Hawks - Hawks had been one of the first to arrive on scene, and none of the fucking news footage had showed him once since. It's been hours.
He paces three more times, then can't take any more of the reporters focusing only on the involved Heroes from the top 10 and ignoring anyone else.
Where the fuck is Hawks?
Going to the fight location would be the worst possible idea. He's barely been out of prison for two years. His face is too recognisable, even after reverting to his natural hair colour and spending over a decade behind bars and out of the news. If he were to be spotted in a mess like the one on TV, where confusion reigns supreme and most of the responsible villains remain at large...
Yeah. This could backfire so bad.
Fuck it.
He grabs his jacket, leaves the apartment and waits for the elevator. When the doors open, Toga is there. She doesn't look all that surprised to find him on his way out, and Touya isn't all that surprised to see her here either.
She only ever respected the terms of her plea bargain for Touya's sake, because Hawks personally vouched for her. If Hawks is in danger, well, there isn't much point in staying out of trouble.
"Hey, Dabs," she greets him, holding down the button that keeps the doors open.
His grin is feral when he steps into the cabin beside her.
They start looking, ignoring the battle that rages.
It's days later when the two of them find the body, a few streets away from the rubble of the front lines.
In the end, they were still too late.
1. Denial (Hunting)
Touya won't rest until he finds out who did this. Even though it's been four days, and anyone responsible who hasn't been arrested yet probably won't be for a long while, if ever.
Even though his phone is nothing but a long list of missed calls, most from the former League members, then from his sister, his brothers, even his mother. Another few from the funeral home and even two from the fucking Commission.
He never answers.
He should sleep.
Even if he finds who did it, or anyone else... Touya is shaking from exhaustion and grief, half-blind with vague afterimages of Hawks' body lying prone on the ground. The quirk-suppressing bracelet still rests heavy on his ankle. He'd just get himself killed.
Maybe he wouldn't mind.
Home isn't safe anymore, he can't go back. Fuyumi made a traitorous use of the key he gave her after moving in and cornered him there while he was taking a couple hours nap on the couch. It's not that he's never slept alone on the bed he and Keigo shared before, but there's a finality to it now that he isn't ready to face yet.
It wasn't like Hawks to get taken down this easily. It has to be some kind of quirk. Betcha it could get reversed. They just have to find the bastard responsible for it first, understand how the quirk works.
Fuyumi had been crying, saying something about Keigo not having any family, no one beyond Touya and who was going to take care of the funeral arrangements if he didn't?
So what. He hadn't asked for her or anyone's help.
If anyone wanted to help, they could do like Toga and Shig and help him uncover who did this.
He can't go home anymore, because it stinks of incense and there's a body on their bed for people to say their goodbyes to.
It's too early to say goodbye.
Too fucking early.
2. Anger (Preparations)
The next day is the funeral, and he doesn't have it in his heart to miss it. Who knows who the fuck will show up for it? What if no one does?
This is wrong, though.
Everything about this is wrong.
He doesn't really remember what Hawks looked like when he and Toga found the body, only vague flashes and images that leave him lightheaded.
But he can tell that Keigo looks wrong, right now. He looks off. Waxy and doll-like, all peaceful and still like he never was in life. Not even when asleep, the drooling bastard.
There's a weird noise and Touya realises he's stopped beside the coffin and is blocking the way. Also, the sound was a sob and quite likely came from his own throat, and no, no. That won't do. He's not showing weakness in front of anyone today. Ex-Commission fuckers will likely show up, and the thought makes him angry, nearly as angry as the thought that they might not come at all and give the funeral of their old pet a pass.
He wonders if fans will show up. The details of the ceremony were kept private, to respect the "privacy of the family" even though Keigo doesn't have any. Touya doesn't know which would be worse. People showing up in troves despite the request to respect their grief, or the details leaking and no one showing up anyway because who the fuck cares about a hero with a low ranking in the 70s?
"He deserved better," he grits between his teeth, looking at the too small amount of flowers and wreaths. "He deserved better." He deserved a fucking procession.
"This isn't about him, love," his mother says gently. "Funerals are for the loved ones left behind."
Touya forces himself to glance at the body again for the last time before tearing himself away.
This corpse doesn't look anything like Keigo.
3. Bargaining (Wake & Vigil)
The wake passes in a blur, Touya following the motions. There aren't that many people. The HPSC fuckers stay at the back and say nothing. Fuyumi and his mother mostly deal with the guests, and he should feel embarrassed he's forcing them to do that but it's hard to feel much of anything right now.
The two of them stay with him that night, as well as Rumi and the ex-members of the League bar Twice, who wasn't allowed out of the institution (if he even knows Hawks is dead) and Kurogiri, who excuses himself and leaves after the wake. He never really knew Hawks, but he respects him. He distanced himself from the League a long time ago.
Someone - Fuyumi? - booked them a lodging at the funeral home for the night vigil. Tomorrow, the same spectacle repeats except it'll be the proper funeral. The accommodation is small but comfortable. There's a light meal already prepared for them in the room and they sit down to eat. Someone starts a conversation. It's subdued but light. Touya isn't listening.
"Our last conversation was a fight," he suddenly blurts out. He feels like crying even though he can't, eyes agonisingly dry, but just as quickly the feeling recedes and he's left only with the same painful numbness gripping his chest. "I just want to talk to him one last time."
It had been tough for them ever since Touya had come out of prison. He'd never have thought it would be so tough. Not when Keigo never gave up on him, even when Touya refused his visits for five long years in the middle of his prison sentence. Try to let the bird fly free, be a dick so Keigo could get rid of his guilt and move on with his life.
But Keigo still showed up, month after month.
And when Touya's will crumbled and he allowed the visits again, the feelings sparkling in Keigo's eyes still reflected the ones in his own heart.
But it was tough, figuring out how to be together after twelve years separated by tall barbed walls. After moving in together maybe too quickly because Touya struggled to find a job, with his criminal record and recognisable features. It was tough, with Keigo's guilt and apologies for only being able to afford this small apartment on his much reduced hero salary due to the lower ranking. As if Touya gave a shit after spending twelve years in a two-by-three-metre cell.
They talked past each other a lot.
But little by little, they were getting better at it, because they both cared, so much, and wanted to make it work.
"We would have figured it out..."
Arms come around him and while he can't see who they belong to through his painfully blurry vision, he only knows they're not the ones he wants to feel.
4. Depression (Cremation)
The moment Touya feared is coming.
"I should be the one doing this," he says as they watch the coffin slowly make its way into the cremation chamber on the other side of the wall-sized window.
He closes his fists, and paces, and comes back to watch.
"Do you want to?" Natsuo asks.
As if Touya wasn't still wearing his quirk-suppressing ankle bracelet. But no, this isn't even the issue.
"No. This isn't him," he says.
He knows this makes no sense but he can't help it.
The coffin disappears and burns.
His mother comes to embrace him. He doesn't feel as numb as he expected to be. It doesn't hurt any more or any less.
There are woods beside the crematorium and they walk through them at a snail's pace for two hours, chit-chatting. The weather is nice. That should make things worse, but it doesn't. His mother asks Toga how life is going for her at the beauty salon where she works, and Toga shares funny stories about customers. Birds are chirping. Even Touya smiles a few times.
Then it's time to return to pick the bones out, now that the cremation is complete.
Keigo's ashes are lying on the middle of the table, metal chopsticks carefully placed beside each seat, and Touya sits down and takes a pair together with the people who stayed for the vigil.
They pick the bones, and pass them around all the way to the urn.
"They look so different," Toga marvels.
Touya doesn't say he expected the bones to be lighter, but he hasn't handled that many in his life. They do look different, denser. Tears flow freely on the faces of the people who can cry. Touya isn't one of them, but it tears him apart to have no outlet for all of this grief, to have it stay stuck inside like this.
Whenever Touya shook through the unbearable need to cry, Keigo used to kiss his eyelids. This won't ever happen again.
They share stories.
They even laugh, at times.
Touya learns it's his mother who organised all of this for Keigo. He knew they'd talked while he was in prison, but he didn't realise how much she had come to care for Keigo too.
Sometimes, Touya manages to feel a little bit lighter.
But mostly, he feels like he loses something more every time they add another bone into the urn.
Then it's over, and the urn is closed, just like something else closes in his chest and throat. The exhaustion is crushing. Touya feels like he could sleep forever.
Everyone exchanges tired goodbyes and he manages to say thank you this time, before going back home for the first time in a week.
He changes his clothes, goes into the bedroom, and lies onto their bed. His bed, now.
Touya sleeps.
5. .
Life goes on, unforgiving and unstoppable. It was never fair to begin with anyway.