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Once upon a time, Bucky was a little drunk. Not that he would’ve behaved any differently if he’d been stone cold sober, but it’s important to get the facts straight. And while we’re being honest, it should also be said that Tony Stark is one of the easiest people to mess with, and Bucky is not one to let that opportunity pass him by.
This being said, Bucky’s innocent query didn’t start with Tony Stark, that’s just where it ended. It started with Clint and Shark Week.
“All I’m saying,” Clint insisted, “is that the great white shark is a majestic creature whose romance remains a mystery.”
“It’s the twenty first century, we’ve got surveillance out the ass.” Bucky’s PBR bottle became a pointer for emphasis at this juncture. “There’s no way – no fucking way – they haven’t caught a couple great whites going at it.”
Clint shoved the beer bottle away from his face. “They’re notoriously shy, dickface.”
“Steve is notoriously shy, doesn’t mean I haven’t caught him once or twice.”
“Dude.” Clint got his serious face on, which, considering how much alcohol he’d already consumed, wasn’t all that serious. “First, you live up Steve’s ass, of course you’ve caught him. And Steve’s not a shark. Definitely not a great white.”
Bucky was silent for a moment, waited until Clint went for another sip of his own beer, then asked, “Who do you think would be harder to sleep with, Captain America or a great white shark?”
Clint spluttered beer all over himself pretty satisfyingly.
“You can’t ask that,” he choked out. “Oh, fuck, now I’m thinking about it.”
“Well, what do you think?” Bucky asked, grinning like he wasn’t discussing his best friend’s hypothetical and sadly lacking love life. “The killing machine or the shark?”
“You know, I’m gonna have to go with Steve,” Clint replied. “Because it might actually kill me to think about it too hard.”
“Aw, come on. Steve’s an attractive guy.” If possible, his grin got wider. “What, are you not up for the challenge?”
Clint’s eyes narrowed. “Fucking no. Now get me a refill as penance for the horrible sex nightmares I’m gonna have tonight thanks to you.”
“Baby.”
He got up anyway, partially because Clint was in fact a baby and would whine until he got his refill. Said drink came in the way of Bucky balancing a beer on his head and making his way back into the crowd.
Evidently five year anniversaries were a big deal for super hero teams, because fucking everybody and their mother had showed up, including Johnny Storm whose team was supposed to be on call in New York for the night. Not that the Avengers wouldn’t drop everything if they were called out anyway, but it was the principle of the thing. And if anyone deserved to be faced with a deadly assassin with a stupid question, it was that kid.
Bucky didn’t have much trouble tracking him down. Follow the scent of smoke and axe body spray to the circle of giggling women. Supposedly they were all some combination of agent in training, scientist, or other actual job (modeling didn’t count, anyone could stand around and pout in a wet shirt, Bucky could attest). The way they were fawning over the Storm kid made it a little hard to believe, however.
“Hey, Storm.” Bucky didn’t bother with keeping his voice down. The music was too damn loud anyway. “Got a question for you, buddy.”
“Sure thing, Robocop!” Johnny kissed two of the girls on the cheek and made his way over. He was about two feet away when Bucky grabbed him by his shirt front and very quietly pushed him into a corner.
Johnny looked more surprised than anything, up until Bucky consciously turned up what Stark called ‘the laser death eyes.’
“Now that I have a minute of your time,” he started, watching Johnny get more unsettled. “I have an important question for you.”
He let the silence hang for a moment, let Johnny sweat through his stupid body spray and visibly consider going all Human Torch.
“Who do you think would be harder to sleep with, Captain America or a great white shark?”
Johnny blinked at him a few times and then gaped. Bucky only managed not to laugh because he was very good at keeping the scary face on when the time called.
“Are you fucking insane?” That was a fair question, and Bucky started actually laughing, so Johnny was successful in shoving him away. “That’s your important question?”
“I’m doing research,” Bucky answered easily. “Would the twin face thing make it weirder? Cause you look a lot like Steve pre- and post-serum had a baby.”
Johnny eyed him, then apparently decided Bucky was more drunk than a threat (the idiot), and shrugged.
“I mean, if I weren’t a beautiful specimen of heterosexual manhood, I might be down. Definitely straight though, and I know I can win a fight with a shark, so.”
“A great white.” Bucky felt the need to specify.
“Look, not that sushi usually has any place in my sex life,” Johnny said, “but yeah, I’d take my chances with the great white. Can I go now, or did you want to ask me about Widow, cause on that I have some actual opinions.”
Bucky gave him a pitying look. “You’d definitely be safer wounded in shark-infested waters, kid.”
Johnny took that well enough, so Bucky had to begrudgingly give him credit for having a little bit of a self preservation instinct. He waved the kid off back to his harem and looked around for his next victim.
Bucky spent a good twenty minutes posing the shark question, mostly getting back answers confirming Steve was more intimidating than a great white, which was absurd. Bucky had seen Steve take down all sorts of serious shit (including himself), but he’d also watched Steve get knocked on his ass a bunch and make stir fry in his boxers, so maybe Bucky was biased.
By the time he worked his way to Stark, Bucky had also worked his way through a good half of the bottle of Grey Goose Natasha had presented him with in passing. Tony clinked his glass of…something against Bucky’s vodka when he sat down.
They passed a few moments in silence. Bucky suspected Tony was only quiet because he’d already shouted at everyone, twice, how insanely proud he was of his team and how not-dead they all were and how not-destroyed the world was. He’d even slapped Bucky’s shoulder a few times in a row, beamed at him, and told him he was glad Bucky was one of the good guys.
“Random question,” Bucky started after a while. “Who do you think would be harder to sleep with, Steve or a great white shark?”
Tony laughed, probably a little more than sober Tony would have. “Did someone put you up to this?”
“Nah.” Bucky shrugged. “Just occurred to me Steve Rogers might be too much of a challenge for some.”
“So you’re comparing him to a shark?” Tony eyed him warily. “You do realize there’s no contest, right?”
“That’s what I’m getting. Seems everybody thinks the shark’s the easier route.”
“Are you kidding me?” Tony boggled at him. “Sharks don’t even speak English, how are you supposed to manage that?”
Bucky returned the weird look he was getting. “I don’t think they talk at all, Stark.”
“Even so, you’d have to try to get it up for a shark, which would be no easy feat,” he started. “Then you’d have to hold your breath long enough to manage the actual, you know, fucking, however you do that with a shark, and. Know what, let’s just stick with I’d rather try to sleep with Steve than a shark. That’s stupid.”
“So you think you could talk Steve into sleeping with you?” Bucky asked after a moment.
“Way simpler than a shark anyway,” Tony muttered into his drink.
“Prove it.”
Tony fully put his drink down to stare Bucky right in the face. “Oh, Barnes, I know you did not just dare me to fuck Steve.”
“Pretty sure I did, actually,” Bucky said easily. “Unless it’s too difficult for you.”
“Have you even met me?” Tony’s eyebrows were climbing alarmingly high on his forehead. “I’m a god damn catch. Anyone would be blessed to sleep with me.”
“I don’t know how there’d be room for anyone else in bed with you and your ego, honestly.” Bucky smugly ignored the choked noise Tony made. “But by all means, prove me wrong, otherwise I expect to see a sound plan for bagging yourself some hot great white.”
“Fine.” Tony stood abruptly and brushed imaginary dust from his front. “Fine, Barnes, you wanna see me sleep with Steve, fine.”
He paused for a second and turned to see Bucky making an equally horrified face.
“That came out wrong.”
“I hope so,” Bucky said.
“I’m gonna go…seduce Steve, I guess.” Tony stopped long enough to down the rest of his drink. “Wish me luck, not that I need it.”
Bucky rolled his eyes straight into another swig of vodka.
And that was the story of how Bucky Barnes talked Steve’s future husband into sleeping with him for the first time.