Chapter Text
"This was a bad idea."
"You're going to have fun, trust me."
"I want to go home."
"It's a little late for that."
Abeno clenched his jaw and glared out of the window. Ashiya smiled. The Master of the Mononokean was fair of features and only just sixteen, but on the inside, he was a crotchety old man.
The school bus trundled down the dirt-packed road like a tipsy caterpillar, swaying and dipping over the uneven terrain. In the row beside them, Fujioka had their head tucked between their knees and was making ominous groaning noises. Apparently, they had motion sickness quite badly and had forgotten their medicine. The girl beside Fujioka kept reassuring them that they only had ten minutes more until they reached the ryokan, but she was poised on the edge of the bench and angled slightly toward the aisle, ready to leap if the sickly floodgates opened.
Ashiya felt sorry, but he tried not to pay too much attention; he was a sympathetic puker. Part of the curse of being Class 2’s Hanae-chan of the Nurse's Office, he supposed. He focused instead on the surly teen beside him.
"It's just the weekend. Ryokan are fun. They have kotatsu, and traditional dancing performances and meals—and hot springs! Doesn't that sound fun? Or at least relaxing?"
Abeno's gaze flicked to him, his golden eyes slitted and assessing as a snake's. "Does it? Spending two nights and three days cooped up in a room with Saga and Fusshi, eating tiny bony fish for dinner, and bathing with your classmates sounds fun to you?"
"...Yes?"
Abeno pursed his lips. "I shouldn't have come."
"Don't be like that," Ashiya sighed. "We'll be at the ryokan in a few minutes, and once you see how peaceful it is, I'm sure you'll change your mind. And if you don't, you can stay in the room and...do whatever it is you do when I'm not around. It's a field trip; you don't have to participate if you don't want to."
Abeno sank down in his seat and returned his gaze to the evening greenery streaming outside the window.
The bus and Fujioka arrived safely at the ryokan a few minutes later, to the relief of all the passengers. The children shuffled out, chatting excitedly with each other and marveling at the classical look of the building. Words like "lovely" and "romantic" flew between a few of the girls with many shy and meaningful looks.
The chaperone climbed up onto the first step of the entrance and announced the rules and room assignments for the students. Ashiya only half listened, since the announcement was just a rehash of what they had already been told. He was far more interested in the beautiful dogwood tree planted alongside the entrance of the ryokan. The white blossoms were plump and soft-looking in the fading light and the sight warmed his chest. The charm of the rural location and careful landscaping felt like positive omens; Ashiya immediately felt like something good was going to come out of this trip.
Abeno studied the face of the inn with his usual gravitas. He was hard to read at the best of times, but Ashiya thought maybe some of his moroseness had faded in the face of such natural beauty. Abeno, however, twisted his mouth mulishly when Ashiya raised his eyebrows at him.
"Hello, room buddies," Fusshi said cheerily, throwing an arm around Ashiya's shoulder. He flashed Abeno a grin. "Where do you want to hit first? Food? Hot spring?"
"I'd like to unpack," Abeno said. He pivoted and walked over to retrieve his duffle from the line of baggage the chaperones unloaded from the bus.
"Is he alright?" Saga asked.
"He gets fussy on long rides." Ashiya shrugged and Saga and Fusshi mirrored the action before retrieving their own bags.
Their room was cozy and quaint. The doors were modern and wooden, to allow the necessary locks for privacy, but the rest was in the traditional style: tatami floors, a mid-sized kotatsu in the center, and a number of futon folded neatly out of the way in a side closet. The room even had a small wooden balcony that looked out over a peaceful zen garden. Ashiya could see wisps of steam off to the right, where the hot springs must be. The trip had barely started, but already Ashiya felt the muscles in his body loosen, his brain fuzzing over into tranquility.
Ashiya turned to check on how the rest of his group was settling in. Fusshi and Saga were poking around their bags, unloading snacks and drinks they'd packed for the trip. Abeno had settled himself under the kotatsu's embroidered blanket. His gaze was fixed on the view through the open door to the balcony, and his expression indicated that he may finally be surrendering himself to the prospect of having fun. Or at least, not being totally miserable. Ashiya kept the balcony door open and settled down under the kotatsu across from his friend.
Abeno peeled his eyes from their study of the wind rustling the tree branches and faced Ashiya, as if expecting him to say something. But Ashiya had nothing to say, so he just stared back. They sat facing each other, eyes locked, for a handful of moments, but it didn't feel awkward. Just quiet.
Ashiya smiled. Abeno's brow furrowed.
"Let's get something to eat," Saga called. He and Fusshi had finished unpacking and were now hovering by the door.
"Sure." Ashiya jumped up and crossed the room. "Abeno-san?"
Abeno stayed at the kotatsu, but he twisted around to answer, "I'll stay here. I'm not hungry."
Ashiya frowned and said many disappointed things with his eyes which Abeno chose not to interpret.
"Alright. C'mon, Ashiyan." Fusshi grabbed Ashiya by the sleeve and tugged him out into the hall. "He's in a bad mood, huh?" he asked once they'd walked a little down the hall.
"He's just tired," Ashiya defended weakly. Once again, the other two shrugged.
"Maybe we can liven him up later."
Saga and Fusshi shared a mischievous look, but before Ashiya could ask about it, Saga gasped, "Thank god! Food!" and hurried through the open door to the dining area.
The options were buffet style or a sit-down traditional course meal. The three boys went with the buffet, which seemed to be the most popular choice among the visiting students, but Ashiya was able to peek at the offering of the traditional meal and he thought that it looked to be just Abeno's style. None of the tiny bony fish Abeno seemed so disgusted at the prospect of eating. Ashiya wished he could bring a tray back for him.
What's with him today? He seems even gloomier than usual...
They'd had plenty of jobs lately, but none had gone badly, and Abeno hadn't seemed overly fatigued. He had been his normal self, actually even in a good mood most of the time. So it wasn't work-related.
Could be school-related, but Ashiya doubted it. Abeno did better in class than he did most of the time, with the exception of English—they both sucked at that.
Something must have happened right before the trip, then. And that could have been anything. What Abeno experienced outside of school and work was a mystery to Ashiya—he was not privy to that part of his life.
Well, he wouldn't know the source of Abeno's unhappiness unless Abeno told him, and that wasn't likely to happen, so the only thing he could do was try to cheer Abeno up.
Ashiya horked down the rest of his food and told Saga and Fusshi he was going back to the room.
"We're going to the hot springs after we've finished," Saga said. "We'll meet you there. See if you can get Abeno to join."
Ashiya wandered down the halls, looking for the way back to his room. He was about to panic, since every door looked the same, but then the door at the end of the hall opened and Abeno's golden head peered out. Ashiya blew out a breath and smiled.
"Good timing," he called as he approached.
"I sensed your panic," Abeno said blankly.
"...You can do that?"
Abeno rolled his eyes. "No. We're a futon short. I was going to ask the front desk for another."
"Oh." Ashiya considered. "I can text Saga and Fusshi to get one on their way back? They're going to the hot springs after dinner. You wanna come?"
Abeno's expression flattened. "No."
Ashiya frowned. Okay... Change of plan.
He squeezed his way past Abeno into the room and sat at the kotatsu. The air underneath the blankets was fireplace warm and Ashiya made a note to take a long nap tucked up beneath it later. But at the moment, he had business to sort. "Can we talk?"
Abeno studied him a moment, still holding the door ajar, as if weighing whether to bolt out into the hallway. At last, Abeno closed the door softly and slipped under the blankets of the kotatsu. They were directly across from each other as they were earlier, only in opposite places.
Ashiya decided it best to cut to the chase. "What's bothering you?"
"Nothing."
"There's something. We're friends, Abeno-san, I can tell when you're more than usually antisocial."
Abeno's brow furrowed. He considered for a long moment, then crossed his arms and glared down at the tabletop. "Today's the anniversary. Of Aoi's disappearance."
Ashiya's stomach sank. The former Master of the Mononokean was Abeno's closest companion throughout his childhood—a mother in every way but blood, if Ashiya understood their relationship correctly. Abeno never mentioned his biological parents; Aoi and the Underworld triad were the only family he'd ever introduced Ashiya to, and the only family Ashiya believed he had.
"I'm sorry," Ashiya said softly.
"I forgot." Abeno's mouth twisted and he redirected his glare to the balcony door. "Because of this stupid trip."
"Oh." Ashiya pressed his lips together. He wasn't sure what else to say. Everything seemed inadequate. He didn't know Aoi, and although he did have an idea of Abeno's love for her, it seemed like a complicated relationship and he wasn't sure how to approach consoling him.
Abeno clicked his tongue, as if he knew how useless Ashiya was and regretted telling him. Ashiya's stomach sank lower.
"I didn't know Aoi-san, so I... I'm not sure if what I say will be right or make you feel better, but I don't think you need to be so hard on yourself. I know you feel terrible for forgetting the date, and you probably feel like you're letting her down—or by forgetting the date, you're forgetting her. But you know that's not true. You'll always remember Aoi, and she knows that, and you know that. And I'm sure she'd be proud of you, because..."
Ashiya wet his lips. He was doing a lot of talking through a lot of uncertainty, and Abeno wasn't looking at him and his throat and mouth were so dry. "Because forgetting what day it is just means that you're not sad anymore. That you're moving on, and you have things to look forward to now, and you're happy. That you're not letting the past keep you from living. I think Aoi would be happy to know that."
Abeno's throat bobbed in a gulp. Ashiya's heart pounded and the room felt too small and hot for his comfort. Had he said too much? Did he sound trite or cliche, or misrepresent Aoi's character? He had never known her.
He barely knew Abeno, if he really thought about it.
Abeno sighed and turned to him. Ashiya expected annoyance, anger, maybe even tears, but the other teen's eyes were clear. The lines of his face were smooth.
"You're right," Abeno said, and for a minute Ashiya couldn't breathe past the relief filling his chest. "But I still feel like crap," Abeno added, and tightened his arms over his chest.
"I get that. But the best thing you can do, I think," Ashiya said cautiously, "is to try to make this worth it. Have as much fun as you can, so you can show Aoi how well you've grown."
Abeno stared at him. "...You sound like a mom sometimes. Do you know that?"
Ashiya's cheeks burned. "You're not the first person who's said that. I think even my mom has told me that."
Abeno snorted, and, finally, a smile curled the corner of his mouth. Ashiya marveled at it. It was like watching the sun peek through a gray, cloud-clogged sky.
"So you'll come to the hot springs?" Ashiya blurted. "Seems like the most fun thing you can do at this moment."
Abeno's smile flattened and he twisted his mouth to the side, but he said, "I guess."
"How can you not like hot springs? Have you ever been?"
"Of course I have," Abeno scoffed. "It’s not like it’s a unique Mundane world thing; the Underworld has them too. I like hot springs, just not with the people I go to school with."
"So you're shy?" Ashiya laughed. "I never expected that. People do this all the time."
Abeno's cheeks colored. "Excuse me for not wanting to be naked in front of a bunch of strangers."
Ashiya stopped laughing. "But... They're not strangers. They're our classmates... Our friends."
Abeno went very still, the red in his cheeks deepening. After a moment of heavy silence he muttered, "Your friends."
Ashiya froze. Abeno didn't consider any of their classmates friends? Not even Saga and Fusshi? Sure, Abeno hadn't really attempted to socialize with them, or anyone outside of himself, but then Ashiya had assumed that was because Abeno was naturally gruff. Never in a million years did he suspect that Abeno actually didn't like them.
Did he dislike them? Just because you didn't consider someone a friend, that didn't mean you disliked them. But... Did that even matter, actually? Abeno was now trapped on an overnight field trip with people he didn't want to be with.
Are we friends? Ashiya absolutely thought they were friends, but he realized now he never asked—he had just assumed. And he had assumed that Abeno considered Saga and Fusshi friends, too, and apparently that wasn't true, so…. His throat and mouth were so dry they felt gummed shut.
Ashiya swallowed. "Abeno-san..."
Actually, no. Maybe he didn't want to ask the question after all. You shouldn't ask a question you might not like the answer to.
"You're my friend," Abeno said, apparently reading the anxiety on Ashiya's face. His voice was rough, begrudging, like it was an embarrassing question he'd rather not answer. But he had answered.
Ashiya felt cool relief ripple down his spine. "Okay. That's good. You scared me for a second." He smiled. It was a little wobbly from the nerves still working their way out of his system. Abeno pursed his lips, uncoiled his arms, and slid his hands down over his thighs.
Evidentially, they were both feeling awkward.
"Okay. So." Ashiya paused, trying to find his bearings. "We don't have to go in the hot springs right now, then. We can go later, maybe, when there's less people?"
"...You can go now. We can go. I said I would."
"Yeah, but..."
Abeno huffed and stood up. "Obviously you came here to have fun with your friends, and I'm not going to be the reason you sit inside all day feeling miserable."
"Yeah, but I don't want to be the reason you hang out with people all day feeling miserable," Ashiya countered. "You're my friend too. I want you to be happy."
Abeno's golden eyes flashed peevishly. "Shut up and let's go. Before I change my mind." He crossed to the door.
"That's what I'm saying, though!" Ashiya scrambled to his feet. "Maybe I've changed my mind, and we—"
Abeno pulled the door open and almost walked straight into Saga and Fusshi. The four boys paused and blinked at each other for a moment.
"Hot springs are closed to us tonight," Fusshi said. "They'll let us in tomorrow." He slipped into the room, Saga closely behind.
Abeno glanced back at them, then said, "I'm going to get another futon. We're short one." He closed the door behind him before Ashiya could volunteer to join him.
"He seems better," Saga said. His voice and expression were blank, and Ashiya couldn't tell if he meant the comment to be sarcastic. Ashiya inwardly sighed and sat back down at the kotatsu.
"Since we can't go in the hot springs," Fusshi drawled, searching through the bags of snacks he and Saga had brought, "let's party in here instead." He pulled out a bottle and carefully placed it on the table. He and Saga sat down and smiled.
Ashiya stared at the cloudy beverage, a sense of unease welling up in his stomach. "Is that...alcohol?"
"Sake," Saga clarified. "My dad knows a guy who brews his own stuff. I've always wanted to try it."
"Oh. So... Your dad gave this to you to try?" Saga and Fusshi stared at him. Ashiya bunched his shoulders and tried again, "You...stole it?"
The tips of Saga's ears turned pink. "Stealing is a bit harsh...."
"Borrowed without intent to return?" Fusshi offered.
"Yeah. That's better."
"Oh. Right. So... You're going to drink this?" Ashiya was trying to be cool, but he didn't think he was being successful. He knew that breaking the rules and teenage debauchery was a thing, supposedly a rite of passage at his age, but he had always sort of thought it was something that was played up in tv and movies for intrigue. He never imagined it as reality, and especially never imagined it as part of his reality.
"Well..." Saga shared a look with Fusshi and shifted his weight from one side to the other. "I mean, we were thinking about it. It could be fun." He was sounding less sure by the minute. Ashiya realized his questions were killing the mood, but he couldn't keep them from spilling out.
"You do this a lot?"
"No," Fusshi said, shrugging. "I've never drank before. Other than a sip of my mom's wine, but that doesn't count. You?" Saga and Ashiya shook their heads. "Well," Fusshi nibbled his lower lip as he stared down the sake bottle. "Let's just take a sip. If we hate it, then we'll know it's not worth it. Right?"
Saga twisted the top off the bottle and tentatively took a sip. He considered, swallowed, and handed the bottle to Fusshi. "Tastes alright to me. Actually, better than the wine and beer my parents usually drink."
Fusshi took a gulp. "Hm. Not bad. You want to try, Ashiyan? You don't have to," he added after seeing the look of apprehension on Ashiya's face.
The thing was, Ashiya wasn't against underaged drinking, but he had never done it or thought about doing it, so now that the opportunity was before him, he had no frame of reference. It's not like he had no experience with alcohol, though. Like Fusshi, his mom let him take sips of her drinks when they were at home, and Chisa once or twice offered to let him drink a beer with her, on the condition he stay in the house and not tell their mother. He had never taken her up on the offer; he didn't like beer that much.
But this was sake, a rice wine, and Ashiya did like the white wines his mom sometimes had with dinner. This was a safe space, Saga and Fusshi were his friends, and the likelihood of them getting in trouble was slim, unless the teacher came by for a surprise inspection. It could be fine to try just a sip.
Abeno would hate it. Ashiya fisted his hands in his lap. The Master of the Mononokean was so strait-laced he didn't even drink what the Legislator offered him on their visits. He would probably be shocked and appalled to find them all in here drinking stolen wine.
But he's not here right this second and it's only one sip.
Ashiya glanced at the door, then took the bottle from Fusshi. The sake tasted smooth and a little sweet, with hints of citrus. Similar and yet not to white wine, and vastly better than beer.
He raised his eyebrows at Saga and Fusshi. "It's good."
The other boys smiled, relief and camaraderie coloring their faces, and scooted closer to the kotatsu. Saga and Fusshi continued trading the bottle between each other, chatting idly about school and tv, Ashiya joining in where necessary. He didn't drink any more of the bottle, though, because Abeno was sure to walk in any second and he didn't want to melt under his look of scalding disapproval if he caught Ashiya with a bottle of alcohol tipped to his lips.
Except, the minutes ticked by and Abeno didn't return. At first, Ashiya felt confusion. The front desk wasn't that far away, but maybe they needed to grab a fresh futon from the back? A few minutes later, and nerves crept in. Had Abeno run into trouble? Did he find a youkai in need of help?
I should check on him. Abeno wasn't feeling well today, maybe he needed a friend again. Ashiya pushed to his feet. "I'm going to find Abeno-san."
Saga and Fusshi turned to him. "Oh, okay. Sure," Fusshi said. Pink tinged his cheeks, and Saga, too, was working up to a light flush.
"Text us if you need anything," Saga added.
Text! Right, I have a phone! Ashiya pulled out his phone and fired off a text message.
Hey, where are you?
Abeno wasn't a good texter at the best of times, so Ashiya didn't wait for a reply before heading for the door. His phone chirped. He paused with one hand on the door handle.
Walking. Be back later
Are you okay? I can walk with you. Saga and Fusshi are—Ashiya paused mid-text, considered—fooling around. They won't miss me
I'm fine. Stay there. Have fun with your friends
Ashiya's brow furrowed. What’s that supposed to mean? An honest well wishing? A cry for help? Sarcasm? Texting was so ambiguous. I'm gonna go anyway.
Ashiya opened the door and his phone buzzed again. Seriously, don't come
He's a mind reader! The corner of Ashiya's mouth quirked up.
I'm coming. You shouldn't sulk, it's not good for you
Shut up I don't want you near me
Ashiya's mouth popped open. "So rude!" Saga and Fusshi glanced at him. Ashiya glared as the next text came quickly on the heels of the last.
Hang out with your "happy" friends
Absolutely dripping with anger and sarcasm. Abeno's texts just proved how much he needed a friend right now. Ashiya called his phone, but it went instantly to voicemail. Universal code for purposely declined. Ashiya gasped in offense and sent another text and then another with no answer.
What was he supposed to do now? Go running around the grounds trying to find his mopey jerk friend who didn’t want his company? He should just let the ingrate be.
Ashiya growled and closed the door as hard as he could without sounding like a complete asshole to the rest of the guests. "So. Rude!"
"What's up?" Saga asked.
"Abeno-san is being dumb and ignoring me."
Fusshi shook his head. "That's lame."
"It is!"
"You should drink more of this," Saga said, and held out the sake bottle. "He can do what he wants, but you should at least have fun. That's what we came here for, right?"
"Yes," Ashiya sniffed. "Yes, it is. I should be having fun. With my friends.” Saga shook the bottle at him. Ashiya huffed and took it. He gulped down a mouthful as he dropped down between Saga and Fusshi.
"I try to be a good friend to him, you know?" Ashiya grumbled. "But he's always so... So closed off. Like, cold. Hot and then cold."
Saga and Fusshi murmured sympathetically. "Drink up. Forget about him for tonight, clear it up in the morning," Saga said, patting Ashiya's back as he took another pull from the bottle. Ashiya thought it was good advice and he did his best to follow it.
Saga and Fusshi let him finish the last fifth of the bottle, and Ashiya felt much better after that. He was also glad he had eaten, because he was pretty sure he was tipsy. The world looked blurry and his head felt floaty and strange.
With the bottle gone, they started chatting freely about their lives. Saga and Fusshi carried most of the conversation since they were closer and had things they could actually talk about and have regular people relate to. Ashiya’s life wasn’t very interesting apart from his work with Abeno, and he couldn’t talk about that. And he wouldn’t want to, anyway. He didn’t want to think about Abeno and his rude face.
But eventually Saga and Fusshi brought him up.
“How did you two even become friends?”
Ashiya frowned down at the tabletop. “He saved me.”
“Saved you?” Saga and Fusshi leaned forward, eyes wide.
“Uh…” Ashiya cleared his throat. Awkward. He couldn’t tell them that story, since it was about youkai. He should have made something else up, but his mind didn’t feel quick enough to make up any sort of excuse. “Yeah. Um. I…fainted and he helped me get to the nurse’s office.”
The other two boys laughed. “Of course!” Fusshi said. “We can expect nothing less from Hanae-chan of the Nurse’s Office.”
Ashiya flushed and shrugged his shoulders.
“But makes sense,” Saga said. “Abeno helped you, so you feel like you owe him a debt.”
“Oh yeah.” Ashiya blew out a breath. “I owe him a big debt. So much debt, I’ll have to work for him forever to pay it off.”
Saga and Fusshi apparently thought this was hilarious, and Ashiya couldn’t help but laugh, too. It was a little ridiculous when he thought about it.
Fusshi sucked in a big breath and laid down, his feet tucked under the kotatsu. “Ahh… Aw, man. All of a sudden I really wish I had a girlfriend.”
“What?” Saga laughed. “That’s random.”
“I don’t think so. Drinking makes me want to kiss someone.” He lifted his head a little and peered down his nose at them. “Doesn’t it?”
Saga nibbled his lip, the tips of his ears turning a brighter shade of red. Ashiya hoped his ears weren’t that red. Or his face for that matter. But he felt really hot, so chances were he was as flushed as Saga was.
“I don’t know. I guess. A little,” Saga said, clearing his throat.
“I’ve never kissed anyone,” Ashiya mumbled. He didn’t know why he felt the need to share this personal admission, but it was the first thing that came to mind when his friends turned their glassy eyes on him.
“Oh yeah. No, me neither,” Saga and Fusshi chorused.
“But I really want to,” Fusshi said. “Like, right now. That’s what the alcohol does to me. Is what I was saying.”
“Yeah." Saga stared down at Fusshi and pressed his lips together over a smile. "I feel that.”
Fusshi laughed. “Yes! See? Who’re you thinking of? Fujioka? It’s Fujioka, isn’t it?”
“What!” Saga sputtered. “No way! It isn’t!”
“Sure, whatever you say,” Fusshi teased. “And you, Ashiyan? You have a crush on anyone?”
“Oh, um… I don’t—”
The door clicked and the room’s occupants jumped guiltily. Abeno walked in. His hair was mussed, as though he had been running his fingers through it, and his cheeks were a healthy pink from what Ashiya assumed was the exercise of walking about the grounds. He looked happier and more peaceful, and Ashiya was happy to see his mood had improved.
"Abeno-san! Welcome back!"
Abeno looked at him strangely. His gaze swept Saga and Fusshi's smiling faces, then fixed on the empty bottle in front of Ashiya. Abeno's eyes narrowed, his lips parting slightly in question.
"Yes, we're drunk," Fusshi said, sitting up and smiling deviously.
"Buzzed," Ashiya corrected. The flush on his face started to burn with a faint undercurrent of shame. Just as he suspected, Abeno did not look pleased with the situation.
No, let's not think about that! Ashiya's mind screamed. We already decided: Abeno-san is a meanie and a party-pooper and we are going to have fun.
"And we're not sorry about it," Ashiya announced. He accidentally spoke way louder than he intended and both Fusshi and Abeno flinched in surprise. Saga laughed so hard tears beaded at the corners of his eyes.
"Ashiya, shut up, you're gonna wake the whole ryokan!" Saga whisper-yelled between giggles. He crawled around the table and half hugged, half smothered Ashiya by slapping a hand over his mouth. Ashiya pushed him off with a muffled, laughing protest.
Abeno crossed his arms and glared daggers between Saga and Ashiya. His jaw kept working like he badly wanted to spit something out, but he said nothing and just glared and glared, his peaceful aura shattered.
"Don't look so serious, Abeno," Fusshi said. He had recovered his smile and the mischievous glint in his eye. "Come join us."
"I don't drink." Though Abeno looked pissed, his voice was perfectly neutral.
"Oh, pshhh," Fusshi drawled. "No worries. We don't have any more sake anyway. No, no, come sit. We were talking about kissing. Do you want to kiss anyone? Have you had your first kiss?"
Ashiya didn't think it was possible for Abeno to look more offended, but he was wrong. Abeno's expression twitched and he tightened his arms across his chest. He took a step back towards the door.
He's going to run again.
Ashiya's heart kicked in his chest. "Abeno-san—"
A knock resounded through the room and everyone went stock still.
"Boys?" The voice belonged to the trip's chaperone, Sakamoto-sensei. Panic flew across the teens' faces. If they were caught, there would be hell to pay. "Everyone good in there?"
Ashiya, Saga, and Fusshi stared at Abeno with saucer eyes, barely breathing.
Abeno cleared his throat. "Fine," he called through the door.
Silence from the other side. Ashiya could feel his heart pounding in his ears.
"...Alright,” the teacher sighed. “Well, it's curfew now, so no leaving the room for anything but going to the bathrooms, okay?"
"Yeah, fine."
They heard Sakamoto-sensei's retreating footsteps and then all was quiet. Saga released a breath. "Close one. Thanks, Abeno."
Abeno gave him a curt nod, and crossed the room to the balcony. "You do what you want. I'll be out here." He closed the balcony door softly behind him.
Saga and Fusshi exchanged a look and shrugged simultaneously. Ashiya noticed a pattern there: When it came to Abeno, all they really had was shrugs. They reached out to him, but never pursued when he pulled away. Which was fine—should be fine. They made an effort and he refused; they weren't required to do any more. But Ashiya's heart ached for Abeno.
He felt that Abeno wanted to be pursued. That despite his hard exterior and balking, he was hoping for someone to fight for him. Maybe that was what differentiated classmates from friends for Abeno.
"You're my friend."
Ashiya swallowed at the memory of the vulnerability on Abeno's face as he said the words. The fuzziness in his head cleared a little bit and his chest filled with a tingling sadness. Abeno-san is lonely and hurting. He needs me.
Without a word, Ashiya rose from the kotatsu and headed out onto the balcony. He slid the door closed behind him and turned to see Abeno's sharp eyes studying him. The combination of the low light and cool air dulled their gold color to bronze.
"Hey," Ashiya said.
"Hey."
Ashiya expected a lecture on his underaged drinking and foolishness, but after searching his face for one breath more, Abeno frowned, rested his forearms on the railing, and looked out at the zen garden. "Having fun?" he asked quietly.
Ashiya turned the question over in his mind, looking for traps, but if there was anything judging or sneaky in its asking, his muzzy brain couldn't sense it. He joined Abeno against the railing. "Yeah," he answered honestly. "But I missed you."
Abeno's head whipped around and Ashiya's face heated instantly. Too honest! Control your drunk self, Ashiya Hanae!
Luckily, Abeno looked equally embarrassed, and after a moment of disconcerted staring, he looked away and didn’t appear likely to comment.
Ashiya would be lying if he said he wasn't a little disappointed. He kind of hoped Abeno would say he missed him too.
“I’m, um… Sorry if I made you feel left out or uncomfortable. Before. And now. And at any time.”
Abeno snorted and shook his head. “You really are drunk, huh?”
“Buzzed!” Ashiya insisted again, but he saw Abeno was smiling a little and he couldn’t help but smile back. “No, but really. I mean everything I’m saying. I’m not just saying it because I’m tipsy.”
“What are you saying?”
Ashiya chewed his bottom lip. He wasn’t sure what he wanted to tell Abeno, exactly, but he needed him to know that he was important, and that Ashiya cared about him and wanted him to make friends and have fun like a regular teenager should.
"I'm saying," Ashiya started, still casting around for his words even as he began to speak. "You don’t have to hide from me all the time. You don’t have to face everything alone, or feel like you have to step away from me so I can have fun with other people. You’re fun too! I like hanging out with you! And I'm sorry that we drank without you, but you were being all lone wolf and you wouldn't let me help you, and I want to help you and make you have friends, and—"
"Ashiya," Abeno interrupted.
Ashiya snapped his mouth shut. Abeno stared at him, his brow furrowed and mouth tight.
Is he mad? Did I make him mad? My head feels all weird.
"You're babbling," Abeno said, exasperated. "And talking too fast and all over the place, and I still have no idea what you're trying to say."
"Oh. Okay. Sorry. Let me try again." Ashiya sucked in a deep breath. "I miss you. I mean it. You’ve been avoiding me basically this whole trip so far. Can’t you just talk to me? Tell me what’s on your mind and we can fix it, together, like we always do when we’re working back home.” Ashiya’s took a step closer, desperate to get his feelings across even if his words were still babbling nonsense. “Just let me in. We're friends, remember?”
Abeno seemed to understand him this time. The color rose in his cheeks and his body shrunk in on itself.
Ashiya understood this was hard for Abeno, both giving and receiving heartfelt confessions. It was his personality more than his upbringing, Ashiya assumed. He imagined that Aoi and the triad showed him lots of affection when he was growing up—even the Executive, in his own way. But despite the love Abeno had received, he still struggled with intimacy. So Ashiya did his best to be patient and wait for him to find a response.
"Yeah. Okay," Abeno said after a painful lull. "You're right, I've been avoiding you. But it's not your fault."
Ashiya nodded but kept his mouth shut to allow Abeno room to continue, even though his alcohol-fueled brain urged him to start talking and pushing again.
"I..." Abeno's face twisted into a sullen expression that made Ashiya's stomach instinctively knot in foreboding. "I miss Aoi, and I'm not enjoying being here," he gestured at the picturesque garden and darkening sky, "as much as I thought I would. I don't like sharing a room with other people, and especially not them." His voice dropped to a low growl, either out of annoyance or because he was worried he would be overheard.
The alcohol burned hot in Ashiya's veins and beat at his temples as he murmured, "Because they're bad influences?"
"What? No, you idiot."
Ashiya flinched and Abeno straightened and paused. A look of regret passed over his face. He scrubbed a hand over his eyes. "No, it's because...you always have fun with them. And I don't. So I'm just in the way."
"...You're jealous."
"I'm not jealous," Abeno said, fiercely. "I don't fit in with them."
Ashiya thought about what Abeno was saying, and how he had been acting, and how he said Ashiya was his only friend. "If it was just you and me staying in the room, do you think you would have more fun?"
"Maybe. Probably."
"Because we're friends and you're comfortable with me."
Abeno frowned at him. "...I guess."
Ashiya smiled slightly. "So you're mad because you don't like to share me with other people. AKA, you're jealous." He laughed at Abeno's scandalized reaction.
"That's not what it is," Abeno insisted.
"Sounds like it. But anyway! Okay, I get it. You feel awkward and left out, and you think everyone would just be happier if you stayed away. But that's not true. I'm not happier. I want to spend time with you, obviously." Ashiya planted his hands on his hips and said in his best surly voice, "So now who's the idiot?"
Abeno raised his eyebrows, but his liquid courage made Ashiya immune to the look which would have made him self-consciously backtrack if he were sober.
Apparently, Abeno caught on, because he huffed and said, "Yeah, alright. I might have been a little bit."
"Ahah! You agree, you're an idiot!"
"Don't push it."
"Yeah, okay." Ashiya smiled at him. "For the record, I don't know if I'd like sharing you either. But you'd have to make more friends for me to be sure."
Abeno muttered under his breath and Ashiya laughed.
"You're cute when you’re shy. Way more approachable."
Abeno bunched his shoulders up to his ears and blushed. "Would you be quiet now? You're embarrassing. Drunkard," he scoffed.
Ashiya chuckled again. He liked seeing Abeno out of his comfort zone. He was definitely cute, with his flushed cheeks, pouty expression, and wind-swept hair. Ashiya wanted to kiss him.
Whoa, wait. Ashiya's heart jumped. What am I thinking?
Abeno must have noticed his panic, because he furrowed his brow and asked, "You okay?"
No. I don't want to kiss, Abeno-san! That would be weird. Super weird. Oh my god, Fusshi was right! Alcohol does make you all... all kissy!
Abeno's expression became more concerned the longer Ashiya stood silently panicking. "Ashiya?" he repeated, taking a step forward and peering into Ashiya's face.
We're friends, for god's sake. And he wouldn't like it anyway.... Right?
Only one way to find out.