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It wasn’t that Kunikida and Dazai weren’t speaking. It was just that there was nothing to say, not really. Dazai was pouting over his phone, doing whatever people did on TikTok or Instagram or Twitter or whatever social media platform had caught his interest this time, as Kunikida checked over his Ideal for the next few weeks, where, according to his schedule, Dazai would recuperate and Kunikida would make his final decisions for college. As he matched his text logs with with the notes in his Ideal, he noticed something odd--he had marked his text conversation with Rokuzou as important--something he should go over later--but there was no corresponding note in his Ideal.
“That’s odd,” he murmured, clicking on the text conversation.
“What is?” Dazai asked, barely glancing up from his own phone.
“I marked my text conversation with Rokuzou as something important to get back to on my phone, but it isn’t in my Ideal at all.” The texts were as he remembered them, Rokuzou telling him where Dazai was, and Kunikida wondered if that was it--if he’d marked the texts just so he’d know where to go to find his brother. But--no, the marks were from earlier. Kunikida paused, remembering a vaguely confusing text he’d gotten from the other teenager. “Maybe it was a reminder to myself to ask you what ‘gives good head’ means?”
Dazai snickered. “You really don’t know?”
“No? Should I?” Kunikida asked.
“It means a blowjob, Kunikida,” Dazai said, still snickering. “It means he’s really, really good with his tongue-- and he is, too.”
Kunikida’s face turned bright red. “How do you know that--why did he say that to me--”
“Wait,” Dazai cackled, “he told you he gives good head?! Let me see, let me see!”
“No!” yelped Kunikida, but he was too slow to keep his phone away from Dazai’s quick fingers, and Dazai quickly scrolled up through their texts, snickering to himself. Then, as suddenly as he’d grabbed the phone, his snickers faded.
“Oh,” he said. A small, satisfied smile curled against his cheeks. “I see why you marked it...Kunikida, he apologized! This is great!”
Kunikida frowned. “Apologized? For what?”
Dazai blinked at him before tossing the phone. “Ugh, fucking bullying you? And treating you like shit ‘cause of the Azure King?”
Kunikida skimmed over the text. “That’s...huh.” He bit his lip, before making a note in his Ideal. “I suppose I ought to respond, then. I’ll think about what to say later.”
“You don’t need to,” said Dazai, who was both chronically lazy and allergic to apologies, and tried often to convince his brother to be the same.
“It’s polite, Osamu,” Kunikida said, turning off his phone and tucking it away. “Besides, I want to.”
Rokuzou glanced at the texting app one more time before huffing and collapsing against the couch. Katai glanced over from his futon, where he was busily hacking into a gacha game to increase the rates of his favorite character.
“What’s up?” he asked.
“Nothing,” Rokuzou said. He refreshed the app again before shutting it off.
“You don’t look like it’s nothing.” Katai considered, before transferring a couple thousand gacha gems into every single account on the game’s server and leaving the program, prepared to try to get his unit once more. “Wanna talk about it?”
“It’s so dumb. Like, it’s literally so dumb, mainly because I am an idiot.” Rokuzou opened Angry Birds and started on level 237.
“So are literally all of your attempts at getting a datemate, and I listen to all of them,” pointed out Katai.
“Okay, one, literally fuck you, I’m smooth and that’s not dumb. I’m a fuckin’ great flirter. Two, this is more important than that. I think.”
Katai raised his eyebrows, impressed. “More important than the fact that you’ve dated even less people than I have?”
“Fuck you, dating simulators and catfishes don’t count,” Rokuzou said.
“They weren’t
both
catfish,” Katai said. “One of them just wanted to make her girlfriend jealous. It still counts. Besides, I’ve played more dating simulators than you anyway, so who’s the real loser here?”
“Still you,” said Rokuzou. “Though I did notice that you actually did your dishes for once in your life, so...congratulations?”
“Oh, that was actually Kunikida, he came over here yesterday and yelled at me for thirty minutes while deepcleaning my house. Apparently Dazai’s come out of the coma, and also kicked him out of the hospital room for running himself into the ground with worry, so he came here and tried to worry over me until I slipped him some melatonin gummies and he knocked right out for thirteen hours,” Katai said. “And he says I have bad sleep habits! Anyway, have you apologized to him yet? I will literally give you his number.”
“Oh, yeah, a coupla weeks ago,” Rokuzou said. “He hasn’t responded yet, though.”
“Oh, so that’s why you keep checking your texts,” Katai said. “And here I was thinking you’d finally resorted to being someone’s side piece.”
“Hey!” Rokuzou said. “And, no. It’s just. He hasn’t. Responded.”
“Oh. Yeah, that kinda sucks.” Katai paused. “He didn’t say anything about it to me yesterday, either. He did ask how you were doing, though.”
“What did you say?”
“I told him that you had a debilitating video game addiction and that I was checking you into a rehab center, effective imme-- what no I already have five of her!” Katai groaned, slamming his head into his pillow. “Stupid game. Stupid rates. Just give me my best girl, please.”
Rokuzou snickered. “What’s that you were saying about a debilitating video game addiction?”
“Eat my balls.”
Dear Rokuzou,
I recently read over your apology, and
Dear Rokuzou,
I accept
Dear Rokuzou,
Kunikida groaned, capped his pen, and slammed his head onto his desk. He didn’t--he just didn’t know what to say. Everything with Rokuzou--God, it had been years ago that it was relevant, and after Dazai had deleted Rokuzou’s number from his phone Kunikida had taken all his feelings about them, packed them into a little box, and shoved it into a corner of his mind, and now--he didn’t even know how to start to unpack them, let alone actually--deal with them, write them down in a text saying--
What did he even want to say?
He wanted to accept Rokuzou’s apology and gracefully offer him his forgiveness, but he wasn’t sure there was anything to forgive, at all. He wanted to warn him away from dating Dazai--but they weren’t dating, just...having sex. He wanted to talk to him. He wanted to never see him again. He wanted to learn how to play a video game from him. He wanted to thank him for his hand in saving Dazai. He wanted to--
He didn’t know what he wanted. Everything was so--so much. There was the hospital, and college, and high school, and finals, and--and this damned apology, that had just come at the worst possible time, and--what even would be a good time, really? Kunikida didn’t want it. He didn’t need it. God, it had been his fault in the first place that Officer Taguchi had been killed--why was Rokuzou apologizing?
Kunikida rubbed at his face before standing and heading downstairs. Hopefully the motion and the cup of coffee he was going to make for himself would provide him with some answers, although honestly it wasn’t too likely. This was just--a lot. Just so much. He almost wished that Rokuzou had never apologized. Things would be so much simpler that way.
Still, he couldn’t help but admit that the apology had felt...good, somehow. He had, for whatever reason, felt glad to get it. Perhaps he should include that emotion in his response, if it wouldn’t be too presumptuous of him.
Would it be? Would he seem rude if he said that, among all the terrible emotions the apology had dragged from his Pandora’s box of memories, there was a slight--happiness, and relief? Somehow? Kunikida didn’t know. Didn’t want to know, honestly, because if he fully figured out why he might...the good feelings might outweigh the bad ones, and if he was glad Rokuzou was apologizing, then he’d just be cruel and vindictive and an all-around terrible person.
Kunikida knocked back the coffee in a single bitter, scalding gulp and made himself a second one.
“Wow,” Yosano said from behind him, causing him to jump and nearly spill the coffee all over his hands. “Something’s got you really riled up, then, huh?”
Kunikida shot her an annoyed glare over his mug. “Shouldn’t you have moved back into your apartment by now?”
She shrugged. “Shachou went out with Fukuchi last night, I’m babysitting.”
“This isn’t last night, and the boys are twelve. They’re perfectly old enough to be home alone,” Kunikida pointed out.
“The last time we left the babies home alone, Atsushi and Kyouka set up a fight club in the basement,” Yosano reminded him. “We do not want a repeat of that.”
Kunikida winced at the reminder. “Still,” he said. “I’m a perfectly capable babysitter.”
“You were at the hospital and I doubt you’ve slept at all in the past 48 hours. Seriously, what’s wrong? I know it isn’t anything to do with Dazai, because you definitely would have told me already, we both know I’m the only other person who can actually deal with his bullshit. So what is it?”
Kunikida sighed. “It’s--Taguchi Rokuzou.”
“Oh, the kid who found Dazai?” Yosano said. “Or the one who cyberbullied you for like a year?”
“They’re the same person, so yes,” Kunikida said, taking his cup out from under the Keurig and sipping at it.
“Oof,” Yosano said. “So, what happened? What does he want?”
“He wants...to apologize,” Kunikida said.
“Good for you!” Yosano said. “So what are you going to say?”
“Honestly?” Kunikida said. “I have no clue. I...don’t even know what I feel about it, let alone what I want to do! I mean, all that stuff with him, it has literally no bearing on my life anymore. I don’t care! I don’t want to think about it. But--oddly enough, I’m glad that he sent it.”
“Why is that odd?” Yosano said. “He hurt you, a lot. Even if you are over it, it makes sense to be glad that he regrets it. I mean, at the very least it shows that he’s a better person now.”
Kunikida sighed. “Yeah,” he said, “I know, but...what if I deserved it?”
“What do you mean, what if?” Yosano said. “He was really shitty to you, of course you deserve an apology!”
“No, not the apology,” said Kunikida. “The whole--cyberbullying thing. What if I deserved that?”
“Oh, Doppo…” Yosano sighed. “Of course you didn’t.”
“How do you know?”
Yosano put her purse down and leaned against the table, folding her arms and looking Kunikida in the face. “Okay,” she said, “what if it were one of the babies in your position? Atsushi or Junichiro or Naomi or Kyouka or Kenji. What if they had your exact same life story? How would you feel about the Rokuzou in their life then?”
Kunikida thought on it. “I’d be angry,” he admitted. “I’d be furious that someone had hurt my little siblings like that, and I’d be glad that he felt guilty and apologized.”
“Well then,” Yosano said. “Why can you be angry for the babies but not for yourself?”
Kunikida paused, looked away. “I...don’t know,” he said.
“Think about it,” Yosano said. “It’s okay if you can’t say anything to the apology just yet. Just...don’t shove your feelings all away, alright?”
Later that night, Kunikida pulled out his phone and texted Dazai.
doppowo: Have you forgiven Rokuzou for what he did back when we were all kids?
osamuwu: ngl thats not my place to do that its yours
osamuwu: but im def not happy w him abt it that was rlly fucked up to do to u
osamuwu: why do u ask?
doppowo: You’re friends with him
osamuwu: no we just have sex nd i pay him for hacking we arent friends and tbqh might never be
osamuwu: speaking of youd be well within ur rights 2 never forgive him ever he treated u like shit
doppowo: Thank you for your concern, but I want to be to sort of person who can forgive (most) people if they’re truly sorry and want to better themselves. I may not be able to fully forgive Rokuzou right now, but I want that to change. It would be nice, if we were able to someday be friends again.
osamuwu: look at u all grown up and mentally
osamuwu: if thats what u want im w u 100%
osamuwu: tho if he tries anything shady im absolutely keying his car
doppowo: Well, it’s good to know that you always have my back, at any rate.
Kunikida sighed and turned his phone off, returning to his Ideal. It wasn’t perfect, but he thought he had some idea of what to write to Rokuzou, now.
Dear Rokuzou,
Thank you for your apology. I will confess that I didn’t see it until just recently, and as such apologize for the late response. While I’m still rather unsure about my feelings on the entire matter, I would like to meet up with you to discuss this in person. My availabilities are...