Chapter Text
Law wasn’t the kind of boy who enjoyed reading. He had made that quite clear to her within weeks of traveling with him. Rinwell loved to read, would often jump into a book about magic or history before bed, and would always get so excited about finding new ones. She thought that maybe if he found a book about fighting or preparing meat or farm animals, he would spend some time reading like she did.
“Books are boring.” She had glared at him that night many months ago, but Rinwell had huffed and sat down with her book and ignored him for the rest of the night. Over a span of a few weeks, she noticed him oddly becoming more interested in reading. She would never see him flip a page, and his eyes would never move, but he always looked happy.
She had asked him about it once, to which he replied, “I like books! All the pictures are cool to look at, and I’m learning a lot more!”
Rinwell simply shook her head and rolled her eyes. He wasn’t reading to learn; he was sitting with books to look smart. And if Rinwell hated anything, it was people being fake.
Then he told her why he feigned interest, and suddenly, she felt bad for doubting him. “I just…I guess I kinda want to talk to you more. So if I were to be excited about books, we could talk about books, right?”
Law may not have been the smartest kid on the planet, but he was nice. He could handle her mood swings. He knew she really didn’t want to be alone when she told him she wanted to be alone. He would sit by her side without a word when she was sad, but trying hard not to show it. It didn’t matter to her that he would never be able to talk about history and astral energy with her. What mattered was that he was there, easy to talk to about everything else, and always doing what he could to make her happy.
All those times Law tried to show off his supposed love for books always happened during daylight or right as they were setting up camp. Soon, Rinwell started to notice him acting differently. When she had to keep watch, she would catch him rolling over on his side, his back to her and everyone else, then he would reach into the bag by his head to search for something. He would always pull out a leather-bound book, then use his body as a shield to hide it from anyone who was possibly awake.
It happened once. She shrugged it off.
It happened twice. She tried to watch him and find out what he was doing, but thought it rude, and it wasn’t her business.
But it soon became too much for her. As someone who enjoyed reading, Rinwell was determined to figure out what had caught his attention so much that it warranted him hiding such a thing from her, and everyone else.
Rinwell knew better than to come right out and ask him. He would freak out, his supposed secret out in the open, and he could easily burn the book and she would never know. Her next best option was to ask Alphen if by chance Law had confided his secret to him, but Alphen wasn’t the best at keeping secrets himself. If he knew, he would likely tell her, but then he would likely tell Law she had been asking. Dohalim wouldn’t know, and gods help her if he tried to investigate for her…
One night, after they had set up camp, all three boys disappeared into the forest, saying something about training and rocks. Shionne and Kisara didn’t seem too worried about it, believing they were finding an excuse to leave dinner to the women, but Rinwell finally had the chance she had been waiting for.
“Um, can I ask you a question?”
Her voice was soft, and she spoke with mild hesitation, catching both Shionne and Kisara’s attention quickly. “What’s wrong, Rinwell?”
It was a crazy idea. If Law wanted to keep his secrets, who was she to judge? About a book? Was it really that big of a deal?
To hell with it. “I notice Law reading sometimes at night, but he’s…trying to hide the book. I don’t think he’s sleeping that well because of it.”
A smile came to Kisara’s face, and Rinwell could feel her cheeks burn. “And you’re worried about him, are you?”
“W-What? No! I was just wondering why he had to read so late at night and why he had to keep it hidden.”
Kisara continued to beam at her until Rinwell finally looked away.
Shionne, however, pulled the ground out from under her. “He’s a boy. He probably found some cheap pornographic novel and that’s why he’s reading at night when he thinks no one is looking.”
“Shionne.”
“He’s that ripe age, is he not? It’s a pretty normal thing for a boy his age to be doing.”
Rinwell felt sick to her stomach. There was no way. Law was a good kid. He never once struck her as the type to fall victim to a graphic novel, or worse, one with pictures. He wasn’t a normal teenage boy. He had been through a lot. He was always so focused on fighting and making sure his farm animals were taken care of…
“It was just a thought.”
The more she thought about it, the more Rinwell worried Shionne was right. Why else would Law try and hide it? Why else would he only indulge so late at night, the only time no one would ask him what he was doing?
“I don’t think Law is like that, Rinwell. He’s likely intimidated to tell anyone he likes to read after he’s made bold statements that he thinks it’s a waste of time.”
Yes. That had to be it. Even if it didn’t make her feel less nauseous, and Shionne’s reasoning sounded so much more convincing. Had that always been what he talked about with Alphen? Not that he could talk about sex with the girls, or Dohalim, but…
She had to find out. If he really was reading porn, she had a right to know. He always sat next to her. He always talked to her. And if he ever had pictured her in that same light as those girls in his damn book, Hootle would feast on his dead body.
When she was up at night, she studied him as discreetly as she could. And every night, whether she was on duty or tossing and turning, he always had his back turned and hiding his book.
Rinwell knew she had to find out the truth soon. Every time Law would sit next to her, she felt disgusted by him and walked away. When he tried to poke fun at her, she would slap his hand away before he could touch her. Law eventually stopped trying to talk to her, or sit next to her, and Alphen had even asked her if everything was okay between the two of them.
That night, she made her move. Law had fallen asleep, and she noticed he left his bag farther away from his body than she would expect of someone with something to hide. Rinwell took a deep breath, relieved she had volunteered to keep watch on a night Law was too tired to read, then slowly took one step towards him.
He looked so peaceful, the flames illuminating his face and making him look so young. Maybe she needed to respect his privacy. He hadn’t been able to enjoy a lot of things in life, and he deserved to have something to keep him going. Not that she approved of his choices, but like Shionne had said, it was normal. If anything, Law deserved to be normal rather than a fighter with the weight of the world on his shoulders.
Still, she had to know. As horrible as that was. She was upset with it, sure, but if she had been judging him for the wrong reasons, she would feel terrible. There was still a good chance Kisara was right and Law was too embarrassed to tell anyone he had found a good book.
As quickly as she could, Rinwell fumbled through his bag to find the same dark brown book he had hidden from them all. It was small, and it didn’t have a title on the front, or any kind of embroidery. It was a plain leather cover. Somewhat worn around the spine. It made her more curious about what could possibly be inside the book.
So, she opened it up, ready to put her dilemma to rest, and swallowed back the bile coming to her throat. If this really was a pornographic novel, she would throw it in the fire and then throw him in the fire.
Something that caught her off guard immediately was the fact the words were handwritten. It wasn’t weird, and she couldn’t say she had ever got her hands on an adult book before to know if they were written as neatly as this was. Weren’t they typed out so they could be produced in greater numbers? Who wrote porn with a pen?
Then she read the page she had flipped to and felt her heart sink into her stomach.
This wasn’t a book.
It was a journal.
It was Zephyr’s.
Law must have found it, or someone had given it to him back when they were in Ulzebek. Because now that she thought about it, he had been reading well past bedtime a few days after they had left.
Rinwell felt terrible, but she was quick to shut the book and throw it back into his bag. She fell back into her seat and threw her hands to her face, her mind a giant mess and her heart racked with guilt. She had judged him as a teenage pervert who tried getting too close to her, when in reality, he was a son trying to be closer to a father he lost tragically.
She hated to cry, but that night, she was so angry with herself that she cried into her hands.
However, Law continued to keep his distance for days, afraid she would snap at him over something that wasn’t even true. It tore her up for weeks, until she had to talk to him about it. She caught him putting meat on some skewers to roast over the fire, alone, and she knew it was now or never.
“Um, can I…can I talk to you?”
Her voice startled him, and he dropped a piece of meat on the ground, nearly stabbing himself with the skewer. “R-Rinwell?”
There was still a small pile of meat he hadn’t touched yet, so she took the seat beside him and started to help. It gave her hands something to do. “I-I’m really sorry…about how I’ve been acting…”
His features softened and his shoulders relaxed. It didn’t make her feel any less anxious herself. “Ah, it’s okay. I figured I just did something wrong again.”
She stabbed a flank of beef, wishing she could go back in time and just ask him what he was hiding rather than think so negatively about him. “I…I um…”
He turned his eyes to her. She thought the wooden stick would splinter in her hand. But the longer she kept the words to herself, the more she would distance herself from him and he would be sad over nothing he did wrong.
“I read a page of your dad’s journal, the other day…”
Rinwell couldn’t face him, so she didn’t know how he had taken her statement. The only sounds came from the crackling wood burning in the fire. He remained quiet. She could barely breathe, let alone speak. Dinner was either going to be burned or not cooked at all…
“Oh,” was what he said when he finally spoke to her. She couldn’t tell if he was surprised, disappointed, angry, anything.
It crushed her. “I’m so sorry. I caught you reading to yourself a lot and then…someone put this thought in my head that you were reading…um…never mind. I’m really sorry. That’s all I wanted to say.”
Rinwell pushed herself to her feet and scampered away just as quickly as the unfinished skewer fell from her hands. Tears lined her eyes, that self-hatred and bitterness coming back to slap her in the face. Law was an innocent kid, a great soul, and she mentally belittled him in the worst possible way. What kind of friend was she? How could she think that an apology would even be good enough?
To her surprise, Law had finished cooking their dinner and brought each of them his prized beef skewers with a smile on his face. She was relieved, and slightly disappointed, when he chose to sit next to Alphen rather than sit next to her. Everyone seemed normal, and the conversations weren’t anything unusual. Rinwell chose to be as quiet as she could, feigning a small stomachache when Kisara eyed her curiously.
She noticed then that Law had looked at her as well, but quickly turned his head before she could meet his eyes.
Rinwell volunteered to stay up for the first few hours of night watch. Kisara tried to convince her to sleep, since she had been up for the past few nights. She was able to tell the older woman that she wasn’t tired, that her mind was a jumbled mess, and she wouldn’t sleep even if she wanted to.
Whether Kisara knew she was faking her sickness or chose to look past it, Rinwell never knew, but she didn’t argue any further.
When she was sure everyone had either fallen asleep or had moved a conversation (Alphen and Shionne) far enough away, Rinwell covered her face with her hands and cried again. She couldn’t believe she was so emotional over discovering Zephyr’s journal, but it really hit her hard. Not only because she dared to believe Law was one of those typical teenage boys, but because she had to shatter that personal connection he had with his dad. It hadn’t been her place, and she now had to live with the consequences.
Hootle stirred beside her, and Rinwell dropped her hands and threw herself to her feet in a second. Law stood next to her, his one hand held between them, his other gripping the book she had found over a week ago. She didn’t know what he wanted, but he also hadn’t asked for her attention. He was likely just passing by her and misread Hootle’s reaction.
“Um, can I…sit next to you?”
Rinwell was so surprised by his question that she almost laughed. “What?”
He scratched the back of his head, his eyes avoiding her completely. “I uh, I’m sorry. For hiding this from everyone.”
Her heart slammed against her ribs. “Why? You shouldn’t be sorry. It wasn’t any of my business. You have a right to-,”
“It took me some time,” he interrupted, his shyness gone, replaced with a hint of regret and remorse. “Nayth handed this to me before we left Calaglia. I honestly didn’t want to read it. I was scared of what I would find. But the more I read, the more I feel like it shouldn’t be something to hide. So…I was, um, hoping that since you were up…”
A small part of her wanted to punch him in the stomach, scream at him because he should be angry with her, then run away. Another part of her wanted to hug him, tell him she was sorry for thinking so little of him, and she would very much like to listen to him share this part of his life with her.
The latter part won out, minus the hug. She thought it would be too awkward. “Y-You really want to talk to…to me?”
His smile almost had her in tears again. “Sure! If you want. It’d be kinda nice to get a lot of this off my chest.”
Rinwell nodded her head instead of risking choking on her words. Law lowered himself to the crate next to where she was standing, then he surprised her and patted the spot directly beside him.
She wouldn’t deny him anything after all the things she had thought about him. She just really hoped he didn’t ask why she wanted to snoop around instead of ask him about it directly. Once she was seated, trying her best to keep a small gap between their thighs, she watched him hold the journal by the spine and lean to rest on his knees.
“I always wanted to know how he met my mom. What they were like before I was born. But if anything, I learned my dad was a big softie for her. Heh.” He chuckled to himself, but she was so impressed with the ease he could speak to her about topics he had never spoken about to anyone. “Kinda reminds me of me and y…”
She caught his face darkening, but he shook his head before she could ask him what he was going to say. “They were pretty good fighters, though…”
“I bet you were a nightmare as child,” she added with a playful jab to his ribs. “I can see you being a picky eater, or running around trying to fight things ten times your size, then crying because you got a bump on your head.”
Law broke out into a smile, then shook the book in his hand. “Oh, I’m sure you’d enjoy a few of these for sure.”
She listened intently as he went on to tell her that he was, not surprisingly, a very picky eater. That he liked to chase after cats or other animals, which oftentimes led him away from his parents. He liked to jump in ponds to swim with the fish, but he supposedly wasn’t a great swimmer. He had an odd fascination with fire as a child and came a little too close to the flames a few too many times. He would run too fast to try and catch up to his dad and skin his elbows or knees or even his face. He liked to wear his dad’s armor and yell loudly, his “spirit roar,” which often attracted a few wild zeugles.
He even showed her Zephyr’s own words, stating, “this boy is going to give me gray hair, but I would never love him any less.”
Law then laughed softly, and Rinwell sensed the pain, the sadness. Before he could even speak again, she carefully placed her hand on his forearm to try and comfort him. While the smile didn’t fade from his lips, his voice was much too quiet for her liking.
“He wrote about what it was like to hold me for the first time. How he swore he would do anything to protect me, to keep me strong and healthy, and he would always love me no matter what.”
Her fingers tightened around his arm as he lifted his free hand to his head. “He wrote about coming home to see his wife dead, and I was long gone. He said the guilt consumed him for years, being unable to save her, and being unable to love me the way he felt he should have.”
She saw the tears come to his eyes and Rinwell felt her heart break. “I had to face the fact that I would never make things right between us, but it was always my fault. My dad did everything he could to show me he loved me. But more than that, he never ran away from his guilt, his regrets. He chose to be a leader, not a coward like me! And now I’m just left with these words knowing I can never tell him how sorry I am and…and…”
His voice was growing louder and louder until she couldn’t take it anymore and wrapped her arms around his shoulders. A few second later, he dropped his head to her shoulder and lifted his arms around her back, holding her as tightly as he could.
“I-I miss him…I miss him so much…”
It was like someone had taken her heart out of her chest and sliced it clean in two. She was hurting in a way she never thought she could without a physical injury. All she could do to try and heal his pain was hold him as best she could. Every now and then, she would run her hand up and down his back, something she remembered her parents had done to her when she was scared and crying a lot. She could only hope it comforted him all the same.
Law would cry softly into her shirt, or squeeze his arms, or grit his teeth in anger. Rinwell wanted to tell him it was okay, that he had a piece of his dad with him now, but it wouldn’t be enough. What Law really wanted was his dad, and she would never be able to bring him back, no matter how badly she wished it, or how badly she studied magic to see if it could be possible.
“S-Sorry…” He peeled his face away from her, wiping a hand over his eyes and trying to put on a smile. “I…I didn’t mean to…to go on like that…”
She bravely searched for one of his hands, giving it a light squeeze to keep him from apologizing for something he didn’t need to be sorry about. “Don’t.”
A small trace of light returned to his eyes the longer he looked at her, until she felt his smile was genuine. “Thank you.”
Rinwell leaned back against him, her head falling to his chest, and she shifted around to be able to reach out for the book he still held in his hand. “Will you tell me more? If you want. I don’t want you to push yourself.”
She half expected him to push her away, or tell her there wasn’t much else he wanted to talk about. He did quite the opposite and rested his head against hers, his arms hanging loosely around her middle. Given she had never let anyone hold her like this, and she had never been so close to him before, she was oddly comfortable with him. Like she didn’t belong anywhere else.
Then, he opened the book like he was about to tell her a bedtime story. She could hear his voice in his chest, soft, deep, and proud. Every now and then, he would chuckle, or she would poke him when he would deny ever doing what his father claimed he had done, and it always brought a smile to her face.
They had finally found a book to enjoy together, and she hoped Zephyr was just as happy as she was.