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After all this time Yeonjun finally came to a grand revelation about himself.
He realized that he really is a fool.
Three years later, and he finally feels at peace. He’s falling asleep on the couch as his members watch some random Netflix movie after a hard day of work. It’s rare to have time to have fun and rest, so they take advantage of it whenever possible. Honestly, there was nowhere else that Yeonjun would rather be. Nowhere that he could imagine himself being in.
He’s really living out his dreams. The dreams he had as a child when dancing was just a hobby, and his dreams were just a faint thought in his head. Years of stressful training and hard work made him so afraid of ever debuting, yet he was here. He made it.
But, of course, nothing ever goes along as planned. And Yeonjun did not get here the way that he thought he would.
You see, Choi Yeonjun has always been an idiot.
Once upon a time before TXT formed, before he even met the rest of the boys, Yeonjun was just another bright-eyed trainee at Bighit trying his best to stay afloat. He was naive and would bend over backward for others. He wanted people to like him, and he wanted to make it in this industry.
It was difficult from the very start.
Bighit would stick all the trainees in a worn-down, stuffy, hot dance room. But that wasn’t the hard part. The hardest part was that there was never any reassurance. Yeonjun never felt safe. Even when he started climbing up the ranks. Every month he would see new trainees come and go. Some stayed longer than others but so many left or just never improved.
But Yeonjun stayed and some other trainees also stayed.
Among some of these trainees, Yeonjun soon found his own group of friends. These trainees became a lifeline for Yeonjun. They kept each other honest, and they practiced hard together. They laughed together and trained together. They became best friends. And after months of them practicing together, Yeonjun became so incredibly sure that they would all debut together. You see there was no doubt in Yeonjun’s mind.
He was going to debut with Wooyoung and Yeosang.
They took him under their wing and to Yeonjun they were the coolest and most talented people he had ever met. Yeonjun knew with everything he had that they would make it. It would be a total disgrace if they didn’t. So naturally, Yeonjun started imagining their future together. Yeonjun pictured all of them debuting together in the same group under Bighit. It was meant to be. The other boys loved BTS as well and they followed each of their comebacks religiously. It only made sense to also debut under the same company as them.
It was destiny. It was meant to be. Yeonjun was sure of it.
Yeonjun was very naive.
Even when the other boys would discuss their insecurities about their own skills and how they weren’t sure if Bighit would actually debut a group anytime soon, Yeonjun never took their worries too seriously. Because Yeonjun along with every other trainee had the same fears.
Yeonjun never worried because he would see how they stayed stable on monthly evaluations and kept improving. Yeonjun strived to catch up to them so that he wouldn’t get left behind. They would constantly earn number one spots while eventually Yeonjun also started to chart higher than some trainees that had been there longer than him. And this quelled his own fears, at least for a little bit. And that’s when the rug was pulled under his feet.
Yeosang left first.
To another company. He broke the news to both of them slowly and gently. This company might debut a group soon and he didn’t want to wait any longer until he was way too old to debut. Yeonjun couldn’t blame him. Because that was a horror story that they were all afraid of. Training for years only to never debut and eventually becoming too old for any company to ever want you. And you end up losing your youth and years of your life that can never be taken back.
And you are left with nothing.
So no, Yeonjun couldn’t blame him. But that didn’t stop his eyes from tearing up. Yeonjun felt his heart break a little. And then he looked at Wooyoung’s reaction and it hurt even more. He looks so lost and destroyed. Yeonjun knew that Wooyoung had the same hopes as him. To debut together.
Yeonjun could already see the end.
He tried his hardest to stay strong for Wooyoung. To cheer him up when the absence of Yeosang became too loud. And he worked harder than ever before. You see, Yeosang’s words struck a nerve within him. Yeonjun knew that he was getting older too. And even though Bighit was planning a group, he also knew that plans could easily fall through in this industry. And nothing was ever a sure thing.
Even though his leaving hurt, Yeonjun couldn’t be angry.
And then the other shoe fell.
Wooyoung sat him down one day after a grueling practice and he had a serious look on his face that Yeonjun rarely saw. And somehow Yeonjun knew that he was going to leave him too.
“I heard that Yeosang’s company is looking for more trainees.”
Yeonjun sat frozen.
“Yeonjunnie, I’m sorry but something in me is just telling me that I should go there. I think that my time here is done.”
“I understand,” was all that Yeonjun could say because what else could he say.
Don’t go. Please don’t leave me.
“You can come with me,” Wooyoung said semi-desperately.
Yeonjun shook his head.
He couldn’t handle the thought of quitting the company. He wasn’t as brave as them.
Wooyoung grinned sadly at him and sighed.
“Figured you wouldn’t, but I had to try.”
“I’ll be cheering you on always. And I’ll be watching you on stage when you make it,” Yeonjun said brightly trying to hide his bitterness and sadness.
Yeonjun was kind of right. One day he would be standing in the same stage as them during award shows. Smiling from afar and proudly looking at each of his friends, because they had all made it. Just not in the way that he thought they would, but at that time Yeonjun had no idea.
At that time, he watched as various trainees that he had met throughout the years got their shot at debuting or gave up, while he remained a trainee. At that time, he congratulated his friends and watched them live out his dream.
At that time, his future felt shattered.
After Wooyoung left Yeonjun threw himself into training like never before. And he rose even higher. Every monthly evaluation brought further improvement and eventually, he started earning first place in some of them. Maybe it was sadness or anger or this terrifying fear of not ever debuting, but Yeonjun wanted everyone to know that he belonged here, and he was going to make it.
He had been there long enough that he was friendly with the staff and with other trainees that remained. But he made sure to not be too friendly. Some would call him intimidating but he was never mean or rude to anyone. He just made sure to let all the new trainees know that his scores were high and that it would stay that way.
And he made sure to never fool himself again into thinking that making it into a successful group was about friendship. Not for any company. He had been there long enough to navigate the complicated waters of trainee life. He realized that competition brought the ugliest side of some people and the weakest in others.
Yeonjun needed to be strong.
Then one day a new batch of trainees came along. Most of them seemed unremarkable and Yeonjun knew that he would never see most of them again after a few months. One caught his eyes though because it was impossible not to.
This new trainee had the biggest eyes he had ever seen, and he was so terribly young. So young that Yeonjun once again felt angry at himself for getting older. The clock was ticking for him, and newer, shinier trainees were coming.
Yeonjun tried his best to show the new trainees the ropes because he knew that it was his responsibility due to his age. It was an unspoken responsibility that he didn’t like, and he took on a bit bitterly. He would rather focus on his own training rather than helping others, but he didn’t want to be rude. So, he made sure that everyone knew that he was there for them if they needed help or had questions, but he didn’t seek the new trainees out himself.
However, he made an exception for the new trainee with big eyes. His name was Taehyun and something about him made Yeonjun want to take care of him. Maybe because he saw the same passion in his eyes. The same all-consuming need to succeed. He watches Taehyun train day and night. Hears him singing whenever he can. He would see the way that Taehyun’s eyes shifted across everyone sizing them up and then looking at the scores as he slowly improved as well.
Taehyun was smart and quick-witted. He was more mature than Yeonjun had ever been when he was his age. Maybe that’s why Yeonjun tried to take care of him more. Because he knew that no matter how mature he might seem, it was partially an act.
Taehyun was still a child.
So Yeonjun tried his hardest to help him get better and to make him laugh whenever he could. He would act unreasonably silly sometimes just to see Taehyun smile. Sometimes, Yeonjun would tease too much which would lead to bickering, but Taehyun never got mad for too long. They learned quickly what made each other tick and respect quickly followed.
They ended up going to America together along with other trainees so they could train. They did train a lot, but Yeonjun also made sure that they had fun because this was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and Taehyun has never been to California before. Yeonjun made sure to show him around and to keep him safe in the foreign country.
They would visit beaches and eat at random cheap restaurants. Taehyun would look at him whenever he couldn’t translate something. And Yeonjun would often lead him. It made Yeonjun feel…warm. Because Taehyun looked up to him and followed his words so honestly. And Yeonjun had never felt the need to take care of another person, Yeonjun never thought that he could be that kind of person. Yeonjun was used to being the one that would get taken care of in friend groups.
But Taehyun made him want to be a better person.
Yeonjun knew that he shouldn’t get his hopes up. But he couldn’t help but hope that maybe one day he could debut with Taehyun.
From there on, Yeonjun kept his eyes on him as well as on their scores.
Months after coming back from America, another batch of trainees came in and Yeonjun wanted to groan.
Why couldn’t Bighit just make a decision already?
Did they not believe in Yeonjun enough to start forming a group? Why keep adding more people?
Yeonjun was annoyed, but once again he went and introduced himself.
That’s when he noticed a taller boy that stood out from the rest of them.
He looked so...soft.
A round soft face with cute dimples and soft black hair that Yeonjun wanted to touch. He was also surprisingly tall with gangly limbs hanging awkwardly.
He introduced himself loudly and Yeonjun could tell that he was incredibly nervous and eager.
Cute.
But Yeonjun had been there long enough to know how long someone would last. And Soobin’s nervous voice and shaking hands made Yeonjun think that he wouldn’t last long in this industry. Some people were just too...soft.
It wasn’t a bad thing to be, but Yeonjun just didn’t see the inner strength needed to last.
But damn, he was handsome in such a boyish way. Like a lead character in a high school romance novel. Yeonjun almost felt jealous but then the rest of the trainees asked Soobin who he thought the most handsome trainee was and Soobin looked straight at him.
He picked Yeonjun.
Oh.
Well, Yeonjun decided not to be jealous because there’s nothing like being complimented by another pretty boy. And secretly, Yeonjun sometimes felt insecure about his looks. He knew he was far from unfortunate, but he had seen various handsome trainees during his time, and it would make him insecure because he couldn’t control how others thought of him. He couldn’t always be the best-looking person in the room. At least, not if Soobin was in the same room.
They keep their distance at first.
And it irked Yeonjun.
Because he’s used to people going up to him and asking for advice with their dancing or just wanting to be friends with him. Yeonjun knows that he is easy to like and that he attracts people. But Soobin didn’t bother. He was never rude about it, and he greets Yeonjun politely whenever he’s in front of him, but he never tries to go further than polite conversation. It makes Yeonjun feel invisible, but he tries his hardest not to let it get to him.
Because Soobin doesn’t seem to get friendly with any other trainees either. Yeonjun figures that maybe he’s just too shy and he tells himself that Soobin won’t last long anyway so why bother trying to bridge the gap. But then more trainees come along, and more trainees leave, and somehow Soobin remains.
Yeonjun looks at Soobin scores along with his and Taehyun’s every month.
Yeonjun stays at the top and watches as Soobin struggles to stay in the middle.
It took a long for Yeonjun to realize that Soobin’s kindness and quiet nature did not make him weak.
Then they meet Huening Kai and Yeonjun realizes that Soobin isn’t as shy as he thought he was.
Soobin takes one look at soft, baby-faced Huening Kai and sticks to him like glue. They become best friends and Yeonjun sees them together always. He tries not to feel jealous but how could he not?
Huening Kai didn’t even have to try and yet Soobin opened up to him in a way Yeonjun would never know. Yeonjun had no reason to feel this way. Soobin wasn’t his to keep. He wasn’t some shiny toy that Yeonjun could possess. But still… Yeonjun was annoyed.
Yeonjun couldn’t even be mad at Huening Kai though, because that boy looked and acted like an angel. He was also so shy and insecure that even Yeonjun wanted to hug him whenever he looked upset because he couldn’t get a dance move right.
Huening Kai was not a natural dancer, but he sure could sing.
An angel voice for an angel boy.
But that didn’t stop Yeonjun from dragging Huening Kai to the scoreboards one day when Soobin was missing. He looked afraid of him which Yeonjun did not like, but he was petty enough to ignore it.
“Do you see who’s first place in dance?”
Huening Kai’s big shy eyes ignored Yeonjun’s eye contact, but he quietly spoke Yeonjun’s name.
“Do you see who’s first place in vocals?”
“Yeonjun,” he repeated shyly.
“Do you see who’s first place in rapping?”
Now Huening Kai frowned.
“Yeonjun.”
“Do you see who’s first place overall?”
“You,” Huening Kai finally looked up at him and even though he still looked terrified, Yeonjun could swear that he also looked impressed. Or maybe in awe at Yeonjun. Or maybe he was just terrified, and it was all in Yeonjun’s head. Either way, Yeonjun felt satisfied with himself. Because, in some twisted way, even though he couldn’t be number one in Soobin’s heart, Yeonjun was still number one in Bighit.
Soobin must have found out about Yeonjun’s immature act, and the following day he caught his eyes across the dance studio. Usually, Soobin was always the first to look away from eye contact, yet his stony eyes stared straight through Yeonjun. Soobin looked…disappointed at him. Not quite angry, but just so unsatisfied. He took his eyes away from Yeonjun and put his arms around Huening Kai who was sat next to him talking quietly to Soobin.
Soobin did not talk or look at Yeonjun for the rest of that week.
And Soobin really put in the effort to help Huening Kai become better. It confused Yeonjun because he never saw Soobin reach out to help other trainees. Yeonjun never realized that Soobin was skilled enough to teach others about dancing. Yet here he was slowly rising in scores every month, gaining attention from the higher-ups in Bighit who would come watch the trainees, and nurturing Huening Kai with tender words and ready hugs.
It was impressive and confusing.
Because Yeonjun took one look at Soobin and thought he had him figured out. But he was wrong. Because Soobin stayed and was succeeding. Despite his shyness and weaknesses and softness. Soobin dropped out of high school quietly one day, and Yeonjun saw him even more.
Soon, Soobin spent as much, if not more time, in the training room than Yeonjun.
Yeonjun could never keep his eyes away from him.
Then Beomgyu arrived.
Yeonjun still remembers clearly being in the dance room with all the rest of the trainees surrounding him. Yeonjun knew he was like the sun to them. He wasn’t being conceited. He simply was always surrounded by other trainees because for some reason they thought that being close to him meant that they would debut together. Like somehow Yeonjun could rub off on them. Yeonjun was almost annoyed by their constant attention, but also flattered.
How couldn’t he be?
However, Soobin remained the one trainee that wasn’t attracted to Yeonjun’s orbit.
So, it once again made him angry when he saw Soobin walk in with the brand-new trainee and already look friendly with him. He never realized until years later that Soobin was simply a comforting person and if he saw someone looking lost and scared and alone, he wanted to help.
Yeonjun was never alone, and he made sure to never show weakness. So, he and the rest of the trainees stood up and met the new trainee. He was small and doll-like.
Pretty and soft.
Maybe I’m just not Soobin’s type, Yeonjun thought bitterly.
Beomgyu was so painfully shy that first day that Yeonjun once again couldn’t blame him for holding Soobin’s gentle attention.
By the end of that week, Yeonjun realized just how talkative and outgoing Beomgyu could be, and he realized that he really needs to stop judging people for their first impression.
Beomgyu became quick friends with both Yeonjun and Soobin somehow. Yeonjun found him to be quite unique. Not like the other trainees that hung on Yeonjun’s every word. Beomgyu was honest like Taehyun could be but far more chaotic. Loud sometimes and horribly quiet during others. Either always ready for a laugh or stressed out with trainee life. Sometimes Yeonjun could grow annoyed at him, but Soobin was always patient.
Either way, Beomgyu had a way about him that made it impossible to say no to. It almost helped bridge the gap between Soobin and Yeonjun. Because sometimes Yeonjun would get dragged along when Beomgyu wanted to hang out with Soobin. And most of the time Huening Kai followed Soobin, and Taehyun followed Yeonjun.
They didn’t all become the best of friends, but they grew familiar with each other. They got to know each other a bit more. They would often sneak out and do the one thing that they all had in common. Which was to eat at cheap restaurants and stuff themselves while hiding from the staff. It was a small act of rebellion, but it was something that tied them together.
They were a strange combination, at least Yeonjun thought so.
Then the day finally came.
Bighit was making their decision. No one knew how it started but soon gossip spread throughout the trainees. Yeonjun heard his name being whispered along with them and it made him even more nervous.
What if he didn’t get picked?
What if after everything and all the hours spent, Yeonjun still wasn’t good enough?
Yeonjun realized he really wasn’t as strong and brave as he thought. Because if he got rejected it would completely destroy him.
The day started out normal. If not for the whispers, and eventually Yeonjun got called into a meeting. Which wasn’t that unusual. It was normal to have meetings about his development as a trainee. What was unusual was that he wasn’t the only one called in.
Soobin, Huening Kai, Taehyun, and Beomgyu got called in afterward.
Oh.
Things don’t change completely afterward.
The five of them don’t become best friends. They don’t debut immediately. And they still trained with other trainees. Some, even younger than before.
But now they get pushed into one tiny apartment and they have special private lessons with just the five of them and other meetings with important people from the company. They still haven’t crossed the finished line. They have to prove to the company that they can be a successful group. There are other trainees that could easily take their spots if they failed.
Yeonjun was shocked when he saw who he was grouped with. Taehyun wasn’t a surprise, because Yeonjun felt like he understood him and his work ethic. He had also been here longer than most trainees.
But the rest were concerning.
Soobin was the biggest surprise, and Yeonjun couldn’t figure out if he was happy or not about it.
Beomgyu had been there the shortest amount of time. Yet somehow, he stood out to the company. Yeonjun was jealous but couldn’t fault him for it. Because who wouldn’t stop to stare at him when he walked into the room. Some people were simply made to be celebrities. And Bighit could see it easily.
Then there was Huening Kai. Despite, Huening Kai being slightly younger than Taehyun, he still felt like a baby to Yeonjun. Far too young for this kind of life and it scared him when he realized that the rest of them were still children. Children that were missing their childhoods for something that might never happen. Or something that could go horribly wrong. Because Yeonjun knows that many groups that debut end up failing. Even if they are talented. Anything could happen.
Maybe the world would hate them because they would instantly compare them to BTS. And no one could ever live up to that. Yeonjun knew it. But he also wanted to be someone that was one of a kind in this world. He wanted to be part of a group that people remembered.
Not one that lived in the shadows.
Yeonjun tells Wooyoung and Yeosang that Bighit chose him and the other four members. They don’t sound surprised at all but congratulate him cheerfully.
“Well, obviously. It was always going to be you. They would be fools to let you go,” Wooyoung says proudly.
Yeonjun congratulates them when they tell him that they are debuting later that year. He pretends that he isn’t hurt and maybe he isn’t. Maybe he just feels afraid because nothing is set in stone, and his best friends might become huge, unreachable stars, while Yeonjun wastes time.
Soon, Yeonjun barely has time to talk to them or to his other friends.
He eats, sleeps, trains, sings, raps, and repeat.
Every single day.
He watches his other friends make their debuts with other groups and hopes that one day it will be his turn.
It’s awkward to share one room with four other people.
But they grow used to it.
They spend most of their time in practice rooms and barely see sunshine for months. They grow closer in a way that Yeonjun has never been to other people. Maybe because he was a single child or maybe because he was too tired to hold up any type of persona around them. They saw each other at their worst during that time.
And as a result, they became each other’s comfort.
Yeonjun helps the members as much as he can and foolishly hopes that no one gets kicked out. He plays around with the younger members when things get too serious. Tries to make them laugh and look more their age. He tries his best to patiently listen to them and be there for them, but it’s hard.
Hard to take care of others.
Especially when you’re not sure if you can take care of yourself.
Yeonjun gets cranky sometimes. And too caught up in himself.
Then he looks at Soobin and he makes it look easy.
He comforts the youngest and rarely gets angry. He listens to their worries without judgment. He helps them with their homework, despite the fact that he never got to finish his own schooling. He brings them food on especially hard days. And the members often run to him when they feel sad or angry. He’s so selfless and unaware of how he attracts others. Unaware, of how handsome he looks. Unaware, of how he quietly melts into other people’s hearts.
Effortlessly and quietly.
It’s hard for Yeonjun at first. Because Yeonjun is not used to sharing the spotlight. But that feeling fades away.
He and Soobin form a tentative friendship. It grows slowly, but suddenly Yeonjun is so used to having Soobin at his side.
So used to seeing him every morning and night.
Sneaking out to eat at the cheapest restaurant they can find. Staying up all night and day when the youngest are at school and practicing as much as they can. He gets used to seeing Soobin passed out on the dance room floor or at their dorm’s floors. He carries him to bed a couple of times and tucks him in. And he doesn’t think about how adorable and heartbreakingly handsome he looks sleeping in Yeonjun’s bed.
He lies next to him and is too exhausted to worry about his thoughts. He wakes up and suddenly there’s another body next to him. Huening Kai sleeping between them and looking so innocent and pure that it makes Yeonjun’s heart ache. Because he can’t imagine any of them leaving each other. He can’t imagine debuting with any other people. He can’t only think about himself anymore. He can hear Beomgyu and Taehyun sleeping in their own beds, and it lulls his spinning, panicked thoughts.
Okay, he’ll do whatever it takes.
Whatever it takes to stick together.
Whatever it takes to makes sure the five of them debut together.
And they do.