Chapter Text
'Will you tell me?'
'You know...that's what I'm actually trying to decide.'
'Why wouldn't you tell me?'
'Because...it's hard to explain. And you probably won't believe me.'
'Would you believe you?'
'Probably not at first, no. But I would hope...after taking time to think about it properly, and to think about how much I trusted myself to tell me the truth...that I would believe me, yes. In time, anyway.'
'I'd like you to tell me, Yuki. Give me a chance, before you start doubting me again...please?'
Yuki sat on the bed, one hand holding his steaming cup of tea and the other covering Machi's hand as it rested on his knee. For what felt like an eternity they sat there in silence, Yuki's expression meditative as he stared at the tea, watching the gently curling cloud of steam as it rose up and faded away.
Machi didn't say anything, and he appreciated her silence. They had always been able to be like this together: quiet, without it feeling awkward or uncomfortable. Machi had even just made a comment about that, as they’d walked back to her apartment through the swirling snow: about how they could be together in silence and how it didn't mean that either of them was hiding something.
He had smiled at her words...and known they were a lie.
They had been a couple for over five months now; he knew her, and she knew him, better than almost anyone. They had been vulnerable with each other in ways he had never been; even Tohru's knowledge of him paled beside Machi's, in almost every way.
In almost every way, except for one.
And Yuki's eyes flicked from the cup of tea to their joined hands, resting together on top of his knee.
Machi's hand, small and delicate, but with a grip of iron; his own hand, larger and longer, holding hers every bit as tightly.
As if he was afraid if he didn't, then her hand, and she, would slip away...and be lost to him.
They had been through so much together, he and Machi both. They had both felt pain and rejection; both groped blindly for love, acceptance, and affection. They had found it in pieces and fragments; in the carefree laughter and support of brothers they hadn't originally clicked with; in the warm, comforting smile of a single friend. But most of all, they had found it in one another: in another person who could look at them and see not 'the Prince' or 'the Weirdo' but see Yuki and Machi: real people who weren't, and never would be, perfect, but also weren't, and never had been, broken.
Machi had seen Yuki for what he actually was, not what the rest of the school, and the rest of the world, believed him to be. She had seen him as he was and loved him anyway; even with his selfishness, and with his insecurities.
With his immaturity.
With his cowardice.
And with the way he always thought he knew best, even when he so very clearly didn't.
‘I love you, and I've told you, and I am telling you again now: I don't care. I don't care what those girls or anyone else thinks about me, or says about me, or tries to do to me. I just care about you, Yuki. And I hate...hiding this...out of fear...out of your fear...that I could get hurt. You say...you hate...letting them get this far? Then stop them! You say...you're in a cage...that you hate. Leave it! Stop letting...other people...dictate your choices! If you said you wanted...us...to be private...for your own sake...I could understand. But you don't! And I don't, either. You say you're jealous of people like Tohru and Kyo...we could be that, Yuki. I want to be that. No matter what it makes people say, or think, or do...it doesn't matter.’
'It's not that easy, Machi. You know what they can be like-'
'-Yes, I do, and I don't care. You shouldn't, either. If you don't want them to have that power, you need to stop letting them take it.'
When he was spiraling into darkness, guilt, and insecurity, Machi had been there to pull him out of it, as surely as she had once been there to break down that storage room door. She had been there for him, so many, many times; seeing past the mask of 'perfection' he’d always tried to project the to the man inside who just wanted to be liked, and loved, for himself.
Even if that sometimes meant being disliked, as well.
And she had loved that man, and encouraged that man, and trusted that man...
'Don't you trust me, Yuki?'
More than anyone else in the world.
Yuki's heart was pounding as he looked at their hands, but his face and demeanor were both calm. And he remained calm as he lifted his head, bright grey eyes meeting dark ones as he studied her face, searching for even the tiniest hint of uncertainty or doubt.
He wasn't shocked that there wasn't any to find. Machi was many things; she had her own demons, and her own insecurities. But once she committed to something, she stayed committed, and the eyes that looked back at his were focused...and beseeching.
She trusted him. She had told him, and shown him, that fact in so many, many ways...
It was time he showed her just how much he trusted her.
Taking a deep breath, Yuki asked, "Do you remember, when you came with me and my friends to the Sohma beach house last summer, you asked me about our animal nicknames?"
He could see that the question had taken her off-guard, but she nodded, and Yuki smiled.
"I told you, that night, that they went back to when we were all very young, and they do. Back to when all of us were born, as a matter of fact," he said, glancing past Machi to look out the window, his gaze now on the steadily falling snow. "Because they defined us all, from the moments we were born. Because, for our whole lives...that was who we were."
Machi was silent; he knew, without looking at her, how intensely she had to be listening.
She had always done that, he knew; always tried so very, very hard to understand.
Inhaling, Yuki turned and looked back at Machi, his eyes once more locked on hers. "You asked me to tell you, Machi, and I am. I know...it all sounds crazy," he said, laughing almost painfully. "But it's real...or it was. All of it," he said. "And no matter how unbelievable it sounds...I need you to try and believe me."
Machi's brow was furrowed, her expression once more of intense concentration. And after a moment, she nodded, her grip on his knee tightening.
"I will, Yuki. I told you,” she said, giving him a little smile. "All I ever wanted is for you to feel you can trust me."
"And I do," Yuki said, giving her a little smile in return.
Even if it terrified him, for so many reasons.
But he had been ready to tell her over five months ago; the path might have changed, but the destination was the same. It would always have to be the same, because without this...without him trusting her enough to see every part of him, body and soul, past and present...how could they ever truly have a future?
If she couldn't accept him as he had been, how could she understand who he had become?
She deserved to have the chance to know. If she was going to stay by his side, if she was going to let him love her...then she needed the chance to know.
It was time.
Yuki took a deep breath, then looked out the window. "From the moment I was born, I had my feet in two worlds. In one world, I was Yuki Sohma; myself, me," he said softly, watching the snow. "And in the other...I was the Rat," he continued quietly. "The most 'blessed' member of the Zodiac."
Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Machi twitch, and once again, he smiled.
"That's right," he said. "Like in the old folktale. Except in our case, Machi...that banquet was real."
He paused for a moment, gathering himself. For all that he'd planned to tell her the truth before, it felt much harder now; he couldn't just hug her now to prove his point. He had nothing to support what he was saying, except his own conviction and her trust in him.
It had to be enough. There was no other option.
"The legend, in the case of the Sohma Family, was real. In a time when myth and legend were still part of this world, God and the animals of the Zodiac all existed. And they made a promise to stay together throughout eternity, which they did: dying, and being reborn, in the bodies of members of the Sohma Family."
Yuki took a deep breath. "There were fourteen spirits, all together. One for God, one for each of the thirteen animals. And each spirit could only possess one person at a time, a person who would be...marked...by their possession. We would have hair and eye color like the animal we were possessed by, share certain behaviors or traits. We could communicate with our animal, and our animals would be attracted to us-"
"-Rats," Machi said, quietly, but suddenly enough to make Yuki jump. And as he looked at her, blinking, she said, "That's why there were so many rats, living on the school grounds? Even though they brought in exterminators, at least three times?"
Yuki didn't know how to feel in the face of her quiet, matter-of-fact statement, and he almost wanted to laugh.
"Likely, yes," he admitted, and Machi gave him a thoughtful look as she said,
"But the rat problem was over when we came back from summer break this year...along with the cat problem," she said, "and the rabbit infestation."
"Yes, they were," Yuki said softly, and Machi took a deep breath as she searched his eyes. Then she asked,
"Because it's over?"
And Yuki's smile was brighter than the sun as he repeated, "Because it's over."
Teacups on the headboard, the two of them cuddled together, Machi held tightly in Yuki's arms. And Yuki's smile as he cuddled her remained bright, the heady mixture of relief and incredulity and joy almost too much to handle.
"So your hair and eyes...are because you're the Rat," Machi said.
"Were," Yuki corrected, "but yes."
Machi thought for a moment, then she asked, "What was Ayame?" Yuki's look in response to that question was one of surprise, and Machi blinked at him before frowning. "Wait, he wasn't one?"
Yuki managed to recover, saying, "It didn't necessarily run in immediate families, it simply had to be children born to Sohmas-"
"-But Ayame has white hair and yellowish-green eyes," Machi said, her tone once more matter-of-fact. "And if they're natural..." she cocked her head to one side, then gave him a hesitant look. "Snake?"
Yuki's smile was sheepish, and he kissed her hand. "Yes," he admitted, "he was."
Machi smiled herself. "The eyes seem very...reptilian. I would have guessed the Dragon, otherwise."
Yuki almost choked on his laugh. "The actual Dragon likely wouldn't appreciate the comparison," he said, and Machi promptly blushed as she stammered,
"I'm so sorry, I didn't think-"
"-Don't apologize," replied Yuki, smiling at her. "It's honestly a valid reason; no one would guess he was the Boar, looking like that, and I'm impressed by your reasoning."
"Kyo was the Cat," Machi said quietly, "And Momiji was the Rabbit. Even if I hadn't heard you all call one another those things, I feel like I would have known," she said, smiling slightly. "Momiji really is very rabbit-like, isn't he?"
"He's certainly very energetic," Yuki agreed, and Machi nodded before saying,
"I suppose we're lucky we don't live in a rural area; I feel like it would have been a lot harder to deal with a school surrounded by cattle."
Once more Yuki was surprised, and Machi smiled.
"Hatsuharu was the Bull, wasn't he? With his hair, and the way he was always so calm...except for when he was provoked," she said, glancing at Yuki. "That time he destroyed the classroom...it was shocking, how aggressive he was," she said, her voice contemplative. And her expression was a little guilty as she glanced up at Yuki, admitting sheepishly, "I actually liked it. There was something very satisfying about watching everything get thrown around like that...even though I know it caused a lot of trouble for him."
"I can understand you thinking that," Yuki said, hugging her close. "Fortunately, those incidents didn't happen all that often as he matured, but yes...you're right," he admitted. "Haru was the Ox."
Machi thought about that for a little bit, then looked at him. "So you all had these traits, and behaviors, from the time you were born. Is that how they knew you had a spirit, or guessed you did? Because you had that hair color, or acted a certain way? Did the animals start appearing right away, even when you were babies?"
"Well..."
So much for the easy part.
"People possessed by the Zodiac spirits were always born two months early, which was a sign, but the bigger one was always...the way we'd transform."
Machi stared at him. "Transform." Yuki nodded, and she inhaled before asking, "into...?"
"Our animals," Yuki said. "It would happen when our bodies got weak, or when we were embraced by a member of the opposite sex."
Machi went still, and her expression went almost totally blank before she suddenly burst out, "Wait, what?"
"I know!" Yuki held up his hands. "That part never made any sense to any of us, but...yes," he repeated. "If we were hugged, or held, or embraced by a member of the opposite sex who wasn't a fellow member of the Zodiac, we would transform into our animal."
The transformations alone were tough to swallow; he wasn't surprised she was struggling with the 'hugging' part, when that part in particular made perhaps the least sense of it all.
But he had to give her credit; she was trying.
"So if a girl...hugged you..." she said, blushing furiously, "you would turn into a rat?"
He nodded. "That's right."
"A human-sized rat?"
"No, a rat-sized rat. A completely normal-looking, nondescript, normal-sized rat."
She was still staring. "For how long?"
"It varied. Sometimes a few seconds, sometimes a couple minutes. Then we'd change back, unless we were still being held or hugged."
He was watching her cautiously, wincing internally at the struggle he saw there. He was asking a lot of her, he knew...
"That's why you always kept girls at an arm's length," Machi said slowly. "Why you never let anyone hug you, or get close enough to. Why you always did that little dance around Kimi."
Yuki was once more surprised, especially that she'd noticed how careful he was with Kimi. "That's right."
"All four of you used to do that," Machi said softly, her expression thoughtful, "Or at least, you, Hatsuharu, and Momiji. You were all subtle about it...but you all always kept your distance. Because you would transform?"
"That's right," Yuki said, and Machi exhaled, then looked at the two of them, and the way they were sitting with his arm around her.
"So sitting like this-"
"Wouldn't have been possible," Yuki said quietly. "Not like this, not hugging, not holding each other...at all."
Once again, Machi was fighting to process, then she looked at him again. "Was it normal, for the spirits to leave?"
That time Yuki did laugh. "No. For generations, the cycle was fixed. You'd be born possessed, you'd die possessed," he said, pain and sorrow briefly flashing across his face. "Then, eventually, someone new would be born with that spirit, and the cycle would begin again."
"What happened?" Machi asked, looping her arms around his waist. And at the fierceness of her grip, Yuki couldn't help but smile.
"Miss Honda happened," he admitted, his smile once more brightening. "She found out about all of us, and she was allowed to keep living with us...and she and Kyo fell in love," he said, his voice gentle and meditative. "And when they both admitted it, and she hugged him anyway, knowing he was going to transform...that was it. The Curse ended, for all of us, when the Cat broke free. All at once, our spirits were gone. The Rat was gone," he said, "and I was just...Yuki."
Machi considered that thoughtfully, then a knowing smile crossed her face. "The day we started dating...the day we kissed, and you held me for the very first time...when you said you had said 'goodbye' to someone who had always been with you-"
"That's right," Yuki said, beaming at her. "You were right there, Machi, when I became free."
Their hug was fiercer than any they'd ever shared, Machi's arms like iron and Yuki's every bit as tight as they held each other close, Machi burying her face in Yuki's chest and Yuki nestling into Machi's hair as she choked out, "I'm so happy, Yuki, so very, very happy. Happy you're free, happy you don't have to live like that anymore, happy we can do this-"
"-Me, too," Yuki replied, his own voice emotional. "I was actually planning to tell you all of this then; that's why I wanted to see you that day, so I could tell you the truth. Because I loved you, so very much, and I wanted to be with you, but I couldn't, the way I was, without you knowing. Miss Honda and Kyo loved each other back then too, of course, and I knew he was going to ask her to be with him, and I knew that she was going to say 'yes'...I was so happy for them, but so jealous, at the same time," he said, hugging Machi even tighter. "Because I knew that even though they'd have to worry about him transforming, they would still be so happy, because they loved each other. And even though I knew it was selfish of me, even though I knew it would have been asking so much of you, I wanted that happiness, too. I wanted to at least take that chance."
Machi looked up at him, tears shining in her eyes. "And I would have said 'yes,' Yuki. I would have said 'yes,' even if I was always afraid of you turning into a rat. But I'm really glad you don't," she admitted, and Yuki laughed through his own tears as he agreed,
"Me, too!"
"So all of you are free, now," Machi said thoughtfully, leaning back against Yuki's chest as he nodded at her.
"That's right. All thirteen animals and God were alive, and all of us were released at roughly the same time. One person's Curse had broken years ago, but the rest of us...all of us were freed together, pretty much," he said, smiling.
"How many people know about it?"
"About the Curse at all? Not many," Yuki said. "Our families, and certain members of the inner Sohma Family. Outside of that, it's a very, very small number, a number which I think might just be Miss Honda...and now you," he said, smiling at her.
Machi smiled, then gave him a suddenly anxious look. "If I wasn't meant to be told-"
"- it's fine," Yuki quickly interrupted her. "Obviously I'd prefer if you didn't go around telling anyone else, especially not Kakeru," he said, wincing, "but as far as you knowing...it's fine. It's more than fine," he said, beaming at her as he caressed her cheek. "Because now, Machi...I don't have any secrets from you," he said softly. "This...was it. Now you know the truth."
Machi was beaming as well, though she couldn't help but laugh. "I can't say I was expecting this when I guessed that you were hiding something."
"I doubt most people would," Yuki admitted, then became more serious. "Obviously I don't really have 'proof' anymore, Machi, but we could call Haru, or Ayame, or you could talk to Miss Honda-"
"-I don't need to call anyone, Yuki," Machi said gently, and Yuki blinked as she reached up and closed his mouth. "I told you I'd believe you...and I do," she said, taking a deep breath. "Yes, it's...strange," she admitted awkwardly. "Yes, it doesn't seem...like it should be real. But at the same time...it makes sense, weirdly enough. So many parts of it make sense...and I trust you," she said, smiling at him. "I trust you to tell me the truth, and I believe that you told me it," she continued, her smile brightening. "I don't need to hear anything more, from anyone else."
His smile was dazzling once more as he looked at her, and hers was equally dazzling in return. And as he looked at her, at her open, honest face, the look in her eyes backing up the truth in her words, Yuki couldn't help but hear a voice from another time:
'A person turning into a rat is something no one would understand. People would be sickened by your existence. They'd begin to avoid you, at all costs. You'd be utterly alone. Is that what you want?'
Words could be powerful, and they could be painful. He had been so afraid, once, that those words were true...
But if words could cause fear, they could also bring hope.
'If I forget you, please befriend me again?'
Akito had been wrong. Perhaps there were some people who would have been disgusted, but not all people. Not back then...
And certainly not now.
"I love you, Machi," Yuki whispered, cupping her cheek, and as she looked up at him, Machi smiled.
"I love you too, Yuki," she replied, reaching up to touch his. "And I always will, whether you're a man, or a rat, or...whatever."
Yuki laughed at the baldness of 'whatever,' but he was still beaming, and he continued to beam as he softly said, "Merry Christmas."
Outside, the snow continued to fall, covering the tracks they'd made earlier with a new layer of pristine whiteness. But inside, Machi, for once, didn't mind it. As she sat there with Yuki, holding him close as they kissed, all she could think was that right there, right then, life was oddly perfect.
And in that particular moment, perfection didn't scare her one bit.