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Takemichi couldn't sleep that night. The bags under his eyes and fatigue are mocking him for his inability to rest because of his too loud of a brain. He felt spiteful, he probably should string out the messy ball of thoughts and emotions he has like the 26 year old that he's supposed to be, but going through time leaps where he's stuck in his 16 year old body like now, he just wants to act his age.
He huffed. Pulling away his blanket and standing up from his messy bed, letting the moonlight illuminate his room, his clock ticking on midnight. If it were the future he'd run to the nearest konbini and buy a pack of cheap beer and drink his sorrows away, but he can't do that as a teenager. More often than not the worker would ask for his ID because he didn't pass looking like an adult when he was 26, so he sure as hell won't try his luck now.
So he grabbed whichever hoodie was clean and closest to him, his phone, along with the keys to the CB250T that Mikey has given to him, maybe a midnight bike ride can quell his thoughts. He moved through the silent and empty house, a sight he's grown accustomed with because of the lack of parental figure in his life. He'd be more bitter about it if he wasn't emotionally constipated already.
The cold night breeze greets him as he exits and locks the door of his house, reminding him to wear and pull up the hood of his jacket. The CB250T engine purred lowly as as it came to life, Takemichi didn't want to disturb the neighbors with his poor coping method of a midlife (early life?) Crisis so he jumped the gas to move aimlessly towards the city of Tokyo. It didn't take long for him to enter the heart of the city with the quiet street.
The night sky that barely showed any stars, replaced with illuminated lights from high buildings and street lights; the cool breeze caressing his face whenever he makes a turn; the soft conversation of the streets that lies between public transit; All something that should have grounded him.
Instead, he couldn't help but to associate all the small beautiful things to the past timeline he's been in and the bitter memories that accompanied it.
From the sound of an oncoming train; how did he live such a pathetic life, only to die in the terrified, pushing hands that once belonged to his best friend?
Warm bonfire from a gathering that hasn't died down yet; he never felt anger as much as he did that day, when Hinata pushed him out of the car just before it erupts to flames
Passing through a small bridge that connects the road from the lazy river bank below; Kazutora should've punched him black and blue for letting Kisaki shoot his partner dead Infront of him.
An aeroplane passing through the sky letting the cloud part for its journey; the ruined building in Manila looked peaceful, just like the expression Mikey left him that day.
The space between small alleyways that holds a secret; he could almost die peacefully that time, with how much Naoto believes in him moments before his hands turned cold.
To a group of construction workers working on a building that's still skin and bones; the furrowed brows and tears of a regretful man kept the strength in his bleeding body strong.
It was too much. He can feel blood flooding his tongue from his chewed lips, the texture of the motorcycle handle as his knuckles turn white, eyes getting blurry from unready tears. He needs to stop the ride, he needs to breathe.
So he did. A small screech of tires echoed in the silent neighborhood he pressed his breaks in. Listening to a chorus of tap tap tap as he tried to control his breathing and make his heart beat follow the rhythm.
It wasn't really working. Faded scenarios and muffled voices were playing in his head too loud, he wishes to break down.
A sudden notification from his forgotten phone in his pocket breaks him from the onslaught of thoughts, with a slightly shaky hand he opens it to see a text that was received.
[ Chifuyu ]
U good?
Takemichi breathed, eyes darting up to look around and see the neighborhood he stopped in, he was in front of Chifuyu's apartment complex.
[ Chifuyu ]
I heard the sound of a CB250T and a screech. Is that Mikey or do i have to be worried?
The blond's lips quirked at the implication of the message, trembling fingers started to type an answer, forgetting to turn off the engine of the motorcycle.
[ Mitchy ]
I think that's just peke j growling about how a bad owner u r staying up till midnight
[ Chifuyu ]
Wow. He would despise a runaway that goes through the street loudly in the middle of the night then.
[Picture attached of Peke J, looking through the window where Takemichi's headlights are visible]
and im sure peke j’s eyes would work well as headlights
[ Mitchy ]
Peke j just admires me <3
Takemichi let out a tiny chuckle, admiring the photo of the adorable cat. Peke J used to scratch him when he first visited but the black cat has grown to love him sometimes more than his owner. His visits became more and more frequent to the point where Chifuyu's mother doesn't bat an eye at his appearance anymore. Another notification reminded him about the conversation he was having before getting distracted by the well loved pet.
[ Chifuyu ]
My mom isn't home. I'll leave the door unlocked
Takemichi contemplated, he knows sudden visits at god-knows-what-hour like this isnt foreign for the both of them, it has happened way too many times for any of them to feel any sort of shame for ruining each other's circadian system. But he can't help but to hesitate with the gentle offer, consciousness in the form of guilt ate him making him forget the soft promises they made to each other from a nihilistic topic to a hope-filled one. Another text interrupted his thought.
[ Chifuyu ]
Just convince urself ur doing this for peke j snuggles, he loves you anyway.
Takemichi smiled, moving the motorcycle to an available parking space and turning the engine off. He's glad he got a partner named Chifuyu in his life.
[ Mitchy ]
What abt from u then :(
Takemichi was sure Chifuyu would respond with another picture of Peke J to change the subject, but he wouldn't be able to reply anyway because Takemichi entered the apartment with a single knock to the door prior barging in as a half-assed attempt of letting the household know about his arrival.
“Peke J, your favourite human is here.” The door from Chifuyu’s room opened to reveal a familiar mop of blond, messy hair along with soft tip taps of a cat’s paw that approached him with an upturned tail. Takemichi bent down to greet the sweet purring of the pet, purposely ignoring the owner as a tease.
“Betrayed by my own cat,” Chifuyu clenched the heart of his sweater, stumbling back slightly for dramatic effect, “leaving me for a pretty punching bag.” he finished it off with a fake grimace, walking off to the kitchen to grab himself and Takemichi a drink.
“Pretty punching bags stay together.” Takemichi grabbed the cat to cradle it on his chest, corners of his eyes crinkling when Peke J curled itself further into Takemichi’s embrace. Chifuyu paid them no mind as he sauntered over to his room carrying their drinks as Takemichi followed slowly, letting the owner of the house settle down on his bed as Takemichi stayed behind the entrance of the room.
His face fell when the realization of the situation weighed down on him. eyebrows furrowing as he stared at nothing from the guilt and uncertainty of what will happen when he enters the comfortable space. He didn't want to enter. Because if he didn't, maybe he doesn't need to face whatever it is that's haunting his mind. But that demand might be a tall order since he could still feel the heat of unshed tears burning up his cheeks.
“--ner?” He could recognize his partner’s concerned voice by the time he realized he'd been standing still in front of his room like a creep, embarrassment flowed in just in time as Chifuyu grabbed his unused hand to drag him into the room and forced him to sit next to him.
His partner leaned his head onto Takemichi’s shoulders, letting the soft blonde hair tickle his nape as the other’s hand reached to pet Peke J’s too comfortable figure. Takemichi’s tears poured out before he could even identify any sort of feelings that decided to tip him over the edge and break down in his partner’s space.
“Are you not gonna share?” Chifuyu asked his partner, his other hand sneaking in behind Takemichi to hover a hug that asked itself for permission. “I think you’re carrying something pretty heavy up in your noggin’.” The dam inside him broke, Takemichi could only hiccup, his tears didn't stop and he couldn’t find it in himself to choke out dying words in his throat.
Takemichi couldn’t will himself to say anything, instead letting himself burrow into Chifuyu’s hold by his partner’s gentle, coaxing hands until he rests his head on Chifuyu’s chest. His hands found themselves grabbing into the other’s cashmere sweater, letting Peke J escape from their embrace.
Takemichi let himself settle there until his hiccuping slowed down into tiny sniffles, intrusive thoughts slowly simmering into something that could be picked apart, and a steady rhythm of heartbeat filled his ears to help him steady his own. The haunting flow of time didn't seem to exist at that moment, only a shared warmth from a body he could rely on from now till the future.
He can hear pages being turned and he turned his head to see his partner reading a familiar shoujo manga they’d read a thousand times over. Still, he croaked out a question anyway. “Which series is that?” His voice sounds harsh and raw from the chokehold of unsaid words. Chifuyu didn't bat an eye, however. “Hibi Chouchou. Here.” Chifuyu lets Takemichi adjust himself to lie his back on his chest as he moves his grip of the manga so they both could read comfortably.
It was nice. The comfortable yet somber silence, but Takemichi knows he couldn't dodge Chifuyu's offer, he could see how his partners nimble fingers would stop at a page longer than needed to sneak in a look he thought wouldn't go unnoticed. so he breaks the silence. “How did you feel when you knew you were dead in the future?” Chifuyu flipped onto the next chapter, the manga only a few pages left. “Were you mad? Mortified? Could you even process that?” Did you ever grieve for yourself? The last question was too heavy on his tongue, left unsaid yet ringing on both of their ears.
“Well it was definitely weird.” Chifuyu rested his chin on Takemichi’s head, “it was fuckin’ terrifying also. but,” He lets his hand swipe Takemichi’s tear ridden cheeks, they're mostly dry by now. “But it looked like you were already grieving for me.”
Takemichi furrowed his eyebrows, he wasn't satisfied by Chifuyu’s answer. His partner knew this as he continued on, “I don't know what future me did, but I don't think he died with too much regret if he knew you in those timelines.” He finished his sentence just in time they finished the manga.
Takemichi could feel his tears coming back, and he didn't bother to cover them as he turned around to make eye contact at Chifuyu. "Don't you hate me for telling you that?" Takemichi grabbed his partner's collar, forcing them to close in until their noses were almost touching. "You already lost your friends," Takemichi notices that Chifuyu can't even look at Baji's old apartment room, or how he struggles to find any words to write at all for his letter to be sent to Kazutora. He wanted to scream. "How could you not hit me for telling you that you lost yourself too?" Chifuyu flinched, taking in the backlash of bitter emotions that seeped out of Takemichi's words and actions.
Chifuyu, taking in Takemichi's words, pushed him down the bed and slammed a hand next to his head, making the other lose his grip and stare at his partner. He looked heart broken. "You lost them too." The sound of their heart breaking into pieces echoed across the room, the pieces were too sharp for them to handle. "How could I ever think that when you're grieving too?"
Takemichi's eyes reflected the hurt his partner had, seeking for closure they never got.
“How do you grieve over deaths that have happened and didn’t happen at the same time?" Takemichi’s despair flowed out, letting the wounded animal inside him take over to get warmth and safety that he’d take from his partner until it was bitter and dry.
“Sometimes it feels like a joke. Because you’re here, I’m here, yet--” He heaved, the droplet of tears fell on Chifuyu’s bed sheets yet the other couldn't pay any mind, only furrowing his eyebrows further as he took in Takemichi’s confession of grief. “You were dead. Everyone was,” Turquoise eyes winced over the sentence, and a bitter part of him felt satisfied that he wasn’t the only one hurting. It was quickly drowned by guilt and realization when he moved his tongue laced with grief to reluctantly let out the last confession. “I was too.”
They fell into silence, and Takemichi was left with a crisis that he felt himself die in so many timelines, the reason why all of this started was because he died. Did he ever try to process that? Or did it happen too many times it fell residency into his bones? Was it even real?
Gentle fingers found themselves wiping his tears away, Chifuyu looked like a mess, and he's sure he's not far from how his partner looks, if not worse. He never felt so raw and vulnerable, yet relieved he managed to spill out the bitter poison that's been brewing inside of him for god knows how long.
Chifuyu's mouth opened, pulling his partner up so they could sit on the bed again, as he hesitates to find the right words. His eyes darted to the side, breaking their eye contact to calm himself down. "What you said in the beginning," He started, grabbing Takemichi's hand to entangle their fingers together. "About us. That you're here, and I'm here." With steady movement he maneuvered their entangled hands until it's placed right on top of his partner's heart. "And everyone is here. I think that's what matters."
"What's there for you whether it's the future or the past, whether it's real or not, is the thing that keeps you going? Then it could be the only thing that matters." Chifuyu finished, turquoise eyes met brilliant blue, and they both broke down to each other's embrace. Takemichi didn't know what he needed, and he wasn't sure Chifuyu knew either. But it's the closest thing to closure they could have from the uncertainty and consequences of the timelines that happened and haven't.
They stayed in each other's arms until dawn coloured the sky with orange hues. Takemichi wasn't sure if he fell asleep at some point, buried in the crook of Chifuyu's neck as they lay down on the bed. Feeling the steady up and down motion of his partner's chest when he breathed. Takemichi lets out a chuckle, breaking the silence they've had for hours.
"What's so funny this time?" Chifuyu asked, after their initial breakdown they managed to laugh it out, using humour to cope because apologizing to each other fell on deaf ears when there wasn't much to apologize for. "Why is it when I'm sleepless and in need of comfort I always come to you?"
Chifuyu pats Takemichi's head, ruffling up his hair which lets out a small squawk from the other's mouth. "Because I'm too irresistible for you." He sing-songed, laughing heartily when Takemichi slaps him gently on the chest. "I'm just kidding, you know why."
"Do i?" Takemichi teased back, raising his head to look at Chifuyu who looked amused. "I think we both need a reminder." It didn't take much provocation for him to reach out and hold his partner's face, gazing fondly as he leaned in, pressing their lips together. Chifuyu tasted like the milk tea he drank after their crying session. His partner kissed back with just enough eagerness but never ending fondness. He hopes their feelings are transferred through their kiss.
Their makeout session was shortly interrupted by Peke J's meows however, because nothing can stop the cat from a well deserved breakfast.