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There were times, when Kris wasn’t exactly in sync with their soul, when they started aching so much that they wanted, needed, to get that soul out of their chest. Battling against it, without tearing it out of them to make it stop, was putting them through so much pain. Their chest would feel like it was on fire, about to explode from the pressure. It was almost as if the soul, itself, wanted to get out, despite needing their body.
Those last few days, ever since they’d first discovered the Dark World, they’d been fighting more and more.
They weren’t sure why, sometimes it just started aching. It felt like the soul wanted to do something else, that Kris didn’t, even though they weren’t sure themselves of what they wanted to do.
Too bad it didn’t just happen behind the closed door of the bathroom, or of their bedroom.
They were back in the Dark World, with Susie. They’d been going around, trying to get the darkeners, that still weren’t agreeing to Lancer’s ruling, to come back to the castle with them, and to give a chance to the little, round, spade.
They were battling against strong darkeners, ones who weren’t really known for following orders, nor for being very kind.
The fight was already quite hard, as Kris and Susie tried to dodge the attacks, Ralsei barely managing to heal them enough for each turn.
But, then, Kris’ soul started acting up again, in the middle of the fight.
They hissed under their breath, trying to not have their friends notice it. The pain was so unbearable, tearing at their chest, as they tried to get their soul to dodge the attacks.
“Kris?” Ralsei seemed to have noticed, despite their best effort to hide it. “Are you alright?”
“Look out!” Susie called out, as another attack came onto them.
Kris managed to dodge it, just in time, but, the pain was so unmanageable, that they staggered, barely able to stay on their feet, as they reached out to grab at their chest.
No, not now! Kris thought, cursing their soul.
“Kris!” Susie and Ralsei called out as they were attacked again, this time not being fast enough to dodge all of it.
A hot, white, pain flashed through them, as they were struck in the shoulder. They could feel the sudden, warm, liquid rolling down from where they got shot, could feel how bad it must have looked, but, they were already busy with something else at the moment.
“Kris!” They could hear their friends crying out to them, worried, as Kris fell to their knees.
“M’fine!” They called back, although they really weren’t, and they knew there was no way this would reassure them.
“No you’re not!” Susie countered, managing to get in front of them and block the next attack.
“I’ll heal you!” Ralsei hurried to them, starting to cast their spell.
“Don’t bother about me!” Kris snapped, for some reason. “Just, focus on this stupid fight!”
“What the-” Susie was taken aback from their reaction, almost forgetting to block another blow.
“My healing isn’t working much!” Ralsei called back to Susie, worry and concern on his face.
“What do you mean ‘your healing isn’t working much’???” Susie exclaimed, hissing as she was pushed back by the next attack.
“I don’t know what’s happening.” Ralsei shook his head. “My healing isn’t working on them. It’s not healing the wound.”
“What the fuck is happening?!” She yelled out as she gave up trying to Act on the darkeners, throwing her axe their way.
“Kris!” Ralsei exclaimed again, as Kris’ breath caught up in their throat for a moment, another painful intake of their own battle with their soul. “What’s wrong? Hang in there!” He cried out to them, starting to panic.
Stop it! Leave me alone! Kris internally yelled at their soul, as it seemed to be trying to punch its way out of them. This isn’t the right time for this shit!
They were so busy trying to fight their own soul, that they didn’t notice when the fight ended, Susie having managed to make the darkeners run away from them, threatening them just enough to make them go away.
“Kris! Hey?!” Susie was calling to them again, a firm paw on their shoulder as she tried to get their attention. “Pull yourself together!”
“Oh! It’s working again!” Ralsei suddenly exclaimed, as his healing spell finally started to stop the bleeding of the wound.
“There you go.” Susie sounded relieved as Kris finally seemed to come back around, the grip on their chest, as the pain finally started to relax a little, their soul seeming to calm down now that the fight was over, for some reason. “Hey.” She greeted them back, as if they’d been passed out, or something.
“Sorry about that.” Kris felt like they had to apologize, looking down as they let their hand fall from their chest to join the other on the ground.
“Whatever.” Susie knelt down in front of them, looking uncharacteristically compassionate. “How are you feeling?”
“Are you feeling better?” Ralsei asked as well, still trying to heal the wound. “You really scared us out there…”
“I’m fine. I’ll be fine.” Kris muttered, not liking that they had to see them like this, even less in the middle of a bad battle. “I’m sorry.”
“You don’t look so fine. You’re quite pale, actually.” Susie mentioned, cracking a smile when Kris looked back up at her with an annoyed look.
“You did lose a lot of blood, though.” Ralsei noted, ignoring the bad joke. “Are you really feeling alright?”
Kris nodded. They tried to get up, to prove their point, but, just as Ralsei had pointed out, they’d lost a lot of blood, making them feel very faint as they pushed themselves up.
“Wow! Easy there.” Susie cried as she caught them before they could fall.
“Please, don’t move. You need to rest.” Ralsei asked, concerned.
“Yeah, you’re clearly not as well as you said.” Susie frowned at them as they groaned.
She guided them to sit down again, Ralsei getting back to his spells. He really wanted to get that wound fixed up, although it still seemed quite unaffected by his magic. He’d just managed to close the wound, but the wound itself wouldn’t go away.
“Will you tell us what that was about?” Susie eventually asked, as she watched over Kris, who was avoiding eye contact as much as possible. “That wasn’t all about those guys’ attacks, right?” She pointed out, knowing that there was more to it.
“If there is anything wrong, you can tell us.” Ralsei tried to reassure.
“You could have told us if you were hurt.” Susie added, frowning at the possibility.
“I wasn’t.” Kris huffed.
No way I’m getting away from this, huh? They thought bitterly.
“Then, what was it about?” Susie tried to push, although, clearly not as pushing as she would have been had it been any other time, and circumstances.
“This stupid soul…” Kris muttered, more to themselves than for their friends to hear.
“What do you mean? Your soul?” Ralsei asked, confused.
“What’s up with your soul.” Susie asked.
“It’s not mine.” Kris huffed bitterly. “It’s just, there… It controls me when it wants. It tries to do stupid shit.”
Both Ralsei and Susie looked between each other and back at Kris, confused and concerned about that statement. Susie was ready to say that he was still too hurt and confused, with what had just happened, and that it was making him say weird stuff, but she didn’t have the time.
Somehow, both of them couldn’t really brush it off, either.
“Sometimes,” Kris started up again, knowing that they’d have to talk about it, and not willing to give their friends enough time to argue with them, “It tries to act on its own, despite my will. It tries to get out, and pull me with it.” Kris’ hand came back to his chest, grasping it, the thought of it all making it hurt. “It just hurts.” They huffed bitterly. “I can deal with it, usually. I can tear it out until it’s calmed, until my body can’t continue without it.” They explained, ignoring the way their friends were taken aback by their statement, looking horrified at the thought. “But, sometimes, I can’t do it. I can’t take it out in the middle of a stupid fight.” They grumbled. “I don’t even know what the fuck is wrong with it. Why it acts like that out of nowhere. It’s all bullshit.” They spat, looking to the side, at the ground, where they couldn’t meet their eyes.
“What the fuck…” Was all Susie could say at the moment, shocked at the revelation.
“So… You’ve been battling with a soul that isn’t exactly yours this whole time?” Ralsei summaries, frowning worriedly at them. “And, you usual just, take it out?”
“Yeah. Basically.” Kris nodded, still refusing to look their way.
“That’s…” Susie was still at a loss for words. “How the fuck did you go on with that, without telling us?”
“That must have been horrible.” Ralsei nodded, sympathizing. “I’m sorry, you had to go through all this, for so long, without any help.”
“Yeah. That’s fucked up.” Susie agreed.
“Sure is.” Kris huffed bitterly.
At least, they look like they understand it… Kris thought to themselves, reassured a little.
“Maybe I should try to pacify you next time it happens.” Ralsei thought out loud, as they let Kris rest a little longer, not wanting them to push themselves too hard. “Maybe it would calm it down.”
“Sounds like a good plan.” Susie agree. “You just have to make them sleep. You can put anyone to sleep anyway, it’ll be easy.” She mocked.
“That might stop me from Acting.” Kris pointed out. They’d been quiet most of this time, but they were getting better, and were more ready to get back into talking with them, as if it wasn’t anything particularly different from any other time.
“Well, we’ll just have to cover for you.” Susie shrugged, smiling a little as she noticed that they were finally willing to talk back to them again, looking more relaxed than earlier. “It won’t be too hard.”
“It would still be too dangerous.” Kris argued. “You can’t dodge if you’re protecting me.”
“Well, I’ll just have to throw you out of the way, and then, dodge.” Susie laughed.
“Maybe, it’s not the best idea…” Ralsei chuckled, looking a little uncomfortable at this idea, as Kris glared at Susie, which only made her laugh more.
Eventually, after a while, Kris decided they had enough rest, despite them still being exhausted after all this, and with their shoulder hurting more than they’d noticed while it was all happening. They argued a little with their friends, but, they managed to convince them that they would have to get moving soon anyway, as Susie and them had to get back home soon.
They tried to stay steady on their feet, but, they still needed Susie’s help to walk, as they had still lost too much blood, and were still much too exhausted to stay on their own feet on their own.
Ralsei apologized for not being able to heal their wound fully, before they headed back out of the Dark World, and out of the closet of the school.
“Next time something like that happens, just tell me about it.” Susie had offered, as she’s dropped them in front of their house, not willing to let them go home on their own in their state, but not arguing when Kris asked her to let them go in alone, that they would be fine. “You know, I’m still your friend. I’m still here.” She awkwardly mentioned before going away. “You can talk to me about these kinds of thing…”
Kris had just nodded to it, accepting it, but not promising anything, as they knew they probably would avoid talking about it ever again.
That night, as they laid in bed, trying to sleep despite the pain in their shoulder still very present, they didn’t bother to fight with their soul as it tried to act up again. They weren’t sure how, but, thinking back on how their friends had been with them, when they’d explained the situation to them, quite messily, it seemed to put their own mind at ease, stopping their soul from hurting them from the inside.
I don’t need you to bother me. They don’t care about you, they care about me. I’m not alone, unlike you. They thought to themselves, remembering how little their friends had bothered to worry about the soul itself, more concerned about Kris’ wellbeing.
I don’t need you to control me to have friends anymore.