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The first time happened to be her first night in Bright Moon.
She had spent half the night tossing and turning in the gigantic, fluffy bed that was gifted to her along with all of the other things she was given in the last twenty-four hours.
It felt so surreal. Less than 24 hours ago, she was promoted to Force Captain, which was a position she only dreamed of getting. And now, she couldn’t even imagine why she wanted it in the first place.
It all happened too fast. She found the sword, became She-Ra, found out everything she grew up to believe was a lie, and pledged her allegiance to Bright Moon.
Then there was Catra.
Catra.
All of those years they spent together... gone in the blink of an eye.
Catra wasn’t to blame for not coming with her, but why would choose to stay in the Horde of all places? After all of the pain and suffering they went through, that wasn’t for any kind of good, wouldn’t she want to leave?
What was happening at The Horde right now, anyway? Do they know why she’s not coming back? Did they miss her? Was Catra thinking about her?
No, The Horde is evil, she needed to remember that.
Great, now she can't sleep. The bed was too big and too soft, her mind was wandering at millions of miles per hour, and her recent late-night encounter with Angella didn’t help in the slightest.
But most importantly, Adora felt alone. The silence echoing along the walls sent a shiver down her spine in a way she hated.
She’s never slept by herself before. Growing up in the barracks with all of the other cadets made little time for any moment filled with peace and quiet. Rogelio’s thunderous snoring and Lonnie’s endless tossing and turning was something she never quite thought she’d miss.
She also missed the way Catra would curl up at the end of her bed. Her soft breathing filled the air with all of the comfort she needed. When Adora woke up first, as usual, she’d gently nudge Catra awake, earning a hiss in return. Because of this, Adora would either just wait patiently for her to wake up, or drag her out of bed herself. The second option always seemed to be more effective.
Adora quickly came to the conclusion that pining would get her no closer to sleep than she already was. So, she did the only thing she felt was rational, she went to sleep in Glimmer’s room.
When she did, she still didn’t get any sleep that night. Glimmer’s bed was too high up for her own relief, and Glimmer’s body heat didn’t provide the warmth that Catra’s did. Yet, it was either this or sleeping with the ghosts of her past. She decided to make do with what she had.
It was only the first night.
However, the morning to come was even worse.
Adora could tell Angella and the others had only tolerated her as She-Ra. Yet, when she was plain old Adora, she was just another remnant of The Horde. The Horde that had caused so much pain and suffering for all of Etheria. And somehow, Bright Moon was supposed to trust this ex-soldier because she was the key to saving the world. It’s none of her business what they think of her, but it didn’t make it hurt any less.
It shouldn’t matter. Her purpose was to serve the Rebellion as She-Ra and defeat the Horde. She could just do that without making any friendly connections with the people.
But could she even do that? What would “defeating the Horde” even look like? Of course, she wiped out a whole squadron of Horde soldiers yesterday, but taking out the Horde as a whole? It seemed entirely impossible.
And what would happen after they accomplished their mission? Would anyone still want her then? And more importantly, what would happen to Catra?
No, she was just overthinking this. That was a problem for future Adora to deal with, a problem for She-Ra. Right now, all that mattered was reforming the Princess Alliance and protecting any innocent civilian she could.
On the second night, Glimmer and Bow had offered her a new bed to her exact solace, and they even offered to sleep next to her.
It was moments like these where Adora didn’t regret her decision, because at the end of the day, she always had them. And there were also moments when they were fighting. The adrenaline she felt taking out troopers gave her little time to think about the consequences of her actions.
At night it was an entirely different story.
She still faced insomnia the next night, and the night after that. It would get easier, she knows it will. Right now Adora was in the healing process, she just needed to keep telling herself that.
* * *
The second time was in Salineas.
Adora was repairing the Sea Gate when the Horde attacked. When she appeared.
It was the first time they’d seen each other since Thaymor. It had been a week and there Catra was, perched on Adora’s sword without a care in the world.
She looked the same, but something about her demeanor felt different. The insults whispered to Adora, they were unlike the ones they’d always tease each other with back in the Fright Zone. These ones were meaner, threatening, even.
And the way she touched her was far from the playful pushing and shoving they did from time to time. Catra had scratched her, punched her on purpose. And the way she did it was so effortless too.
All the while, showing off her new position as Force Captain. Adora couldn’t help the pang she felt in her chest while looking at the green pin displayed upon Catra’s shirt, and a bit of confusion.
Why did Catra automatically get her promotion? Did she ask for it? Unless, it was just some mind tactic to get Adora to come back. That made sense. She knew how Shadow Weaver could be. And today, she found out how Catra could be too.
Shadow Weaver must have sent Catra here to get under her skin. Probably too busy to do it herself. And Catra had proved her right.
As Adora laid sprawled out on her bed, she replayed the words Catra had said to her over and over in her head:
“Come on, Adora. Hasn’t this gone on long enough?”
She lets out a frustrated sigh, shifting into a fetal position.
Could she seriously not see the reason why she left The Horde in the first place? That being She-Ra wasn’t some rebellious phase she could just get over?! Being She-Ra was never her choice. Leaving was.
“This is what you left me for?!”
The anger in her tone was evident, but what staggered Adora more was that Catra thought she had left her.
She couldn’t actually believe that, could she?
No, she gave Catra the chance to come with her the same day she found out the truth, and refused. Despite knowing everything Adora didn’t, she still rejected her offer. And now she’s saying Adora was the one that left her?!
It wasn’t too late. Catra could still leave, but she isn’t. So what does she want? Why is she blaming her?
Forget it. Understanding Catra’s true intentions would forever be a foreign concept.
Adora moves again, this time to the other side of the bed.
“When did you get so weak?”
What hurt the most about that sentence weren’t the words themselves, but because she was right. She-Ra was an eight-foot-tall goddess with a magical sword, and was taken down by Catra in the span of thirty seconds.
It was never like this in The Horde. Adora was always praised by her fellow peers by even doing the simplest disarmings. Yet, things are different now. She felt like she was walking on eggshells around everyone. She had to please Etheria, defeat the Horde, and on top of it all, she now had to fight Catra.
Adora gave up on tossing and turning from right to left, and laid down on her stomach instead.
Maybe this was what Bow and Glimmer meant when they told her she needed to get some sleep, but she was restless! How could she not be when all of this information was dumped on her hours prior?!
She might not ever find out the answer to that question, but what she did know was that she needed to rest her mind. Only if it was for a little while.
She wouldn’t be so weak next time. Especially when she sees Catra again.
***
Princess Prom was when she saw her next.
This was the first time she had ever been invited to an extremely formal event and she had planned every possible scenario that could happen, but what didn’t expect was Catra showing up.
Out of all the places she could feasibly come to, she just had to be here!
The moment Catra had walked through the entrance, Adora felt her blood turn cold. At first, she thought it was her mind playing tricks on her or someone who just really looked like Catra, but then she spotted Scorpia. Arms linked with Catra’s.
And their outfits…
Where’d they get those anyway?! The fanciest thing Catra owned was her training uniform, so where the hell did that suit come from?! It was so so...
Okay, maybe she was getting a bit off topic…
So she made her new plan to spy on Catra all night and stop… whatever she was doing. And hopefully, get some answers.
Unfortunately, all of her plans so far have yet to succeed.
Catra knew very well what she was doing when she showed up here in that damn suit with Scorpia as her date.
She knew Adora would jump to conclusions. That she wouldn’t let her out of her sight from the beginning to the end of the ball.
She knew her almost too well.
So she entrusted Scorpia with their sinister plans because she knew just how crazy she drove Adora.
It wasn’t fair in the slightest.
Especially when they had their first dance.
Catra’s grip was so gentle, unlike the way it had been in their previous encounter. Her movements were extremely agile, like she had spent her entire life learning this dance.
And when she dipped Adora, the rest of the world faded away to nothing but them two. Their faces were so close, Adora could hardly breathe.
It took more than a moment to fully register Catra’s words. Then, they were back to fighting and Catra’s grip was no longer gentle.
Adora finally had the upper hand on Catra, but she froze again. Having no idea what to do. Before either of them could decide, ice crumbled beneath them and they were falling five meters per second.
The last thing Adora saw of Catra was her taking Bow, Glimmer, and the sword away on one of the Horde’s ships.
By the time Adora finally came back to level ground, only one thought roamed her head; how could she have let this happen?
Of course, with her following Catra around, no real trickery could be done by her. It was all Scorpia, Lonnie, and Kyle.
She should’ve known not to fall trap to Catra’s word or that damn smirk of hers, but what was there to expect? How could she have known Catra would be at the prom? How could she have known that she was after something bigger than getting under her skin? But most importantly, how could she have known Catra could make her feel this way?
Adora replayed their moment on the rooftop over and over again. How close their faces were, and this time it was in more of a soft manner. Catra’s eyes weren’t full of the hatred she held before, but held surprise, wonder, and kindness in them. And all Adora could do was only mirror that.
Did Catra feel the same regret she had? Only about not leaving? She had to. There had to be something, anything that could possibly give Adora hope that Catra was not really her enemy now.
Even if they were unsaid words.
But even if Catra’s mind was filled with guilt, she still kidnapped Bow and Glimmer. And there was no excuse for that.
They didn’t do anything wrong. What could the Horde want with them? They were being dragged into a situation that was out of their control.
And it was all Adora’s fault.
She shook the thought out of her head. Now was not the time to mourn. Right now, she needed to calm down and strategize how to get Bow and Glimmer back.
How can she do either of those things? She doesn’t know yet.
***
It was in the First Ones Temple when she finally gave up.
When Catra gave the sword back in the Fright Zone, it only confirmed to her that Catra had missed Adora.
And knowing that, Adora was to do everything in her power to make Catra admit it.
So when she found out Catra had followed her to the temple, it was the perfect opportunity to do so.
And she was so close.
The memories they both re-lived made her feel even guiltier about leaving. They had grown up together, so her leaving must have been out of left field to most people. Mostly Catra.
Growing up in the Fright Zone wasn’t all bad it was out to be. Mainly when Adora was oblivious as to what the Horde was really capable of.
They taught her how to be a cutthroat, ruthless warrior, gave her all of the bare necessities and friends, whose faces she sometimes couldn’t shake.
Yet, they did more bad than good.
They fed her ration bars for goodness’ sake! Worked her till she was blue in the face and shunned any sign of vulnerability. But above all, Shadow Weaver was mainly what she ran away from.
And after a taste of an actual kind and loving environment, Adora knew there was no way she could ever go back.
She wanted the same for Catra, but deep down, knew it wasn’t possible.
She hoped the memories that the temple showed them would, somehow, convince Catra that she can’t go on without Adora, and so she would finally come with her.
And things did go well. They teased each other like old times, which felt more natural compared to their foregoing, unsuitable fighting.
Except when Adora had saved Catra, yet again, there was that same envious look in her eyes from before.
But why? All she did was save her and Catra acted like she did the worst thing in the world. It didn’t make sense. She never saw any problem with it before. So why did she have a problem with it now?
And she didn’t realize it at the time, but that was when Adora was slowly losing her.
She tried persuading her one more time, trying to say all of the right words to make her think.
Then, they had to go and play that memory…
The one Adora remembers as the worst day of Catra’s life. A reminder of the toxic domain she had once called her home.
She didn’t remember it to be as brutal as revisiting it. They were both caught, they should have both been held accountable. And yet, Catra was the one that was punished.
That couldn’t have been it. Adora would’ve left a lot sooner than what was the case.
For years she watched Catra be emotionally and physically abused while she was given all the praise there was to offer.
Could she have really been so blind? She always thought Catra didn’t mind not getting the rewards or the fame, that it was all just some game to her.
She was stuck and Adora left her there. And now, here they were. Broken promises and broken hearts that were far from fixable.
Catra didn’t want Adora to come back because she didn’t want her to reclaim her position. Not because she missed her or regretted her ultimate decision, but because she truly never wanted to see her again.
And that stung more than anything.
No, that was a lie. What stung more than anything was when Catra had betrayed her.
When she said that Adora leaving was the best thing that ever happened to her. All these years, Adora’s friendship wasn’t truly sentimental.
When Catra walked away is when Adora honestly broke. Her heart was beating out of her chest, her entire body became numb, and her vision only blurry.
Maybe this was the hurt Catra had been hiding in all of these years. And Adora let her take it.
Before, Catra had been saying empty threats and wearing a mask to hide the pain she had felt because of Adora’s absence. But now, she proudly displayed the feelings she’s been hiding for years.
Now, when they see each other again, it will be a true fight between enemies. The Catra she knew was gone and there was nothing to do to bring her back.
And going back to the Horde would never bring back her happiness. So, she did what she could.
She let go.
***
“Just let me brush it!”
Adora whips around to see Catra being chased by Glimmer with a hairbrush in her hand.
“No!” Catra exclaims, sprinting across the room to Adora.
“Don’t let her touch me! She’s gonna torture me!” She says while her and Glimmer circle around Adora.
They circle around Adora a couple of times before Glimmer huffs, “Do you always have to be this dramatic?”
“Come on, guys,” Bow interjects. “If we’re late to Scorpia’s first ball, she’s gonna kill us.” He pulls Glimmer into a side-hug.
“Fine. You’re off the hook...this time.” she snickers, looking over at Catra, who was sticking her tongue out.
Bow and Glimmer begin to leave the room, while Catra stays behind with Adora.
“You coming?” Catra asks, holding out her hand for her to take.
Adora studies Catra for a little bit. Her hair is tied up in a high ponytail, she’s wearing a formal suit with a cape Adora had specifically picked out for her. She’s never looked more beautiful.
It takes a moment to process her words. It feels, as though, for a moment Adora is experiencing deja vu. But living the life she was now, it felt like that every single day.
Having the weight of the world off her shoulders, surrounded by the people she loved, and no more Horde.
All the years of unresolved questions and tensions running through her head could only be cured by one person: Catra.
Adora’s heart had broken in two when they were separated, but was slowly put back together when they reunited.
And now, looking at Catra who gave her a look only reserved between the two of them, what more could she ever want?
Shadow Weaver was wrong. Becoming Force Captain and conquering Etheria wasn’t what Adora had always wanted. It was this.
To be loved by the person she always had.
“Hey, Adora,” Catra drops her voice to an octave. “Are you okay?” The concern is evident in her eyes and that almost brings Adora tears
“Yeah,” she finally replies, gently taking her hand. “Let’s get going.”
They walk out of the door together, hand in hand
And for the first time in a long time, she was glad she chose to leave the Horde in the first place.