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“No, Legolas! I forbid you from ever seeing him again!” Thranduil said, angrily standing up from his elf-throne in order to intimidate his son.
“But, father! He loves me, and I love him! You can’t separate our love!” Legolas yelled, stamping his foot down in frustration.
“Don’t talk back to me like that! Go to your room right now!”
Legolas scoffed and stormed off to his room, making sure to slam the door behind him as loudly as possible.
“Shall I check on him sir?” One of Thranduil’s elf guards asked.
“Leave him be. I’ll talk to him over dinner. We’re having beef stroganoff tonight; his favorite. That’ll get his mind off of things.”
Meanwhile, in Legolas’s room, Legolas was laying on his bed, staring up at the ceiling.
Stupid father. He can’t tell me who I can and can’t see.
The elf turned his head and eyed the corded telephone on his bedside table. He sat up and reached over for it, bringing it onto the bed next to him. He began dialling his boyfriend’s number, holding the phone up to his pointed ear. After a few seconds of ringing, someone on the other line picked up.
“Gloin speaking.”
“Good evening, sir. This is Legolas of the Woodland Realm. Um, i-is Gimli there?
“What?! Why, you’ve got a lot of nerve contacting me, elf!” Came the angry voice on the other end. “What on Middle Earth could you want my lad Gimli for?”
“Oh, um. I-I was wondering if-”
The elf was suddenly interrupted by another voice coming from the other end of the line.
“For pity’s sake, father! I’m not just a wee child any more! Give me the phone!”
Legolas felt his heartbeat quicken. It was the voice of his love, Gimli!
“Legolas? Is that you?” Gimli asked, his tone having changed drastically now that he was speaking to his beloved.
“Gimli! I’ve missed you so much. Father has me grounded, but I wish to see you.”
“Aye, as do I with you, my love. But you know how we dwarves are! None of my kin would approve of me getting involved with an elf.”
“Such a shame. If only they, and my father, could see the truth of our love.”
“If only they could appreciate the blinding beauty of elves!”
Legolas blushed and twirled the phone cord around his finger.
“And elves, the rugged handsomeness of dwarves.
Gimli also blushed.
“Oh, Gimli. He can’t keep me here. I shall come for you tonight.”
“How will you leave?”
“I have a plan. I promise, my love. We will see each other soon.”
“I shall await your arrival with bated breath!”
Legolas smiled and hung the phone up, placing it back on his dresser. He looked at his alarm clock: 6:22. It was the time that his father prepared dinner every night, so Legolas knew he’d be distracted. Legolas got out of bed and left his room.
He snuck down the hallway and out the back door, slipping Thranduil’s spare key into his pocket. Legolas then got into his dad’s 2005 Subaru Forester and drove out of Mirkwood and toward the Mines of Moria or wherever the fuck Gimli lives.
But first, he needed to make a stop somewhere else.
~~~
Aragorn was sitting at his couch watching reruns of Grey’s Anatomy when he heard a knock at the door. He groaned with annoyance and got up to answer it. He was pleasantly surprised to see his BFF Legolas at the door.
“Legolas! What brings you here?” Aragorn said happily, pulling his friend into a very tight, homoerotic embrace.
“I’m going to take Gimli out for dinner. Wish to join us?” Legolas asked, gayly twirling a strand of his golden hair around his finger.
“Of course. It’ll be just like old times…” Aragorn said with a smile, reminiscing on the old days out on the road, killing orcs and shit.
“Let’s go, then!”
So Legolas and Aragorn got into the car and drove off towards Dwarf Town to get Gimli.
When they arrived, the two bros knocked on the door, probably hurting their knuckles in the process because it’s like one of those huge stone doors.
The massive door swung open, nearly knocking the two of them back into that nasty lake with the weird octopus thing in it. Standing in the doorway was GIMLI!!!
“Legolas! Aragorn! How great it is to see you!” The dwarf beamed, rushing forward and bringing his bros into as tight a hug as his short little arms could manage.
“Gimli, my love! It has been too long since I’ve held you in my arms!” Legolas said, kneeling down and running his fingers through Gimli’s gnarly red beard hairs.
“Come now, gentlemen. I’m hungry.” Aragorn interrupted their gay little moment.
The lovers looked at him.
“Let’s hunt some pork.”
“Yes!” Gimli cheered.
They all got into the Subaru Forester and drove off to Minas Tirith for their long awaited dinner at Famous Dave’s. None of them really liked the place all that much, they just had to pick some barbeque joint to eat at in order for Aragorn’s pun to make sense. Also, Faramir worked there.
So, they ate their ribs and brisket and shit. But since the manager for the restaurant was Grima Wormtongue, who didn’t give a shit about the establishment’s hygiene, Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli all got botulism from the grody food and died.
Then, Famous Dave’s was sued by Gloin, Thranduil, and Arwen for the deaths of their loved ones. The class action lawsuit resulted in a five hundred million dollar settlement for their families, which, combined with public outrage over the company’s negligence, caused the chain to file for bankruptcy. Wormtongue was sentenced to 20 years in prison for his lack of food hygiene protocols, but was paroled just 3 years into his sentence.
The end.