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It’s been several months since Feng Xin had that conversation with Xie Lian. Heavenly duties have kept all three of them busy, especially Mu Qing for some reason. Feng Xin had attempted to approach Xie Lian again to express some of his thoughts and realizations, but they hadn’t had the chance to talk given that Crimson Rain Sought Flower was always in the vicinity.
Xie Lian said it’s because Hua Cheng doesn’t want to part with him for too long.
Feng Xin knows it’s because Hua Cheng is being nosy.
He knows enough about the Calamity now to realize Hua Cheng is as big of a gossip as any other Heavenly Official. Maybe even worse. The only difference is that Hua Cheng’s gossiping ends with him, unlike with the other officials.
In any case, Xie Lian’s advice was enough to hold him through the months. Even if he hasn’t had the chance to restart the conversation, he’s decided to go forward with his plan: he’s going to talk to Mu Qing. Now, the only issue was finding the perfect moment to talk.
Normally, this wouldn’t be a problem when they practically shared territories and their palaces were so close to one another. But every time Feng Xin went to the Xuan Zhen Palace, the junior officials said Mu Qing was absent or occupied with some duty. Likewise, none of their missions had mixed and they haven’t gone on a joint mission all this time. Mu Qing seemed to have been getting more prayers than usual, but of a very different kind to what they were used to, if the lack of fighting was anything to go by.
However, it was strange that this phenomenon was only happening to Mu Qing. When such a thing happened, it wasn’t long until Feng Xin himself was bombarded with similar prayers. Yet months have gone by with this same pattern. So what were these new prayers about? And why hadn’t they been arriving at his palace as well?
Out of curiosity, and in the hopes of stumbling upon Mu Qing, Feng Xin decided to take the day to visit some of his temples (that were conveniently beside Mu Qing’s). He donned his Nan Feng disguise and left the Heavens, readying himself for a long day ahead.
After visiting some of his temples and having some unfortunate encounters with female followers, Feng Xin decided to rest in a teashop. As a god, he didn’t need to eat or rest, but interacting with mortals was always draining. Especially with those of the opposite sex.
The teashop he was resting in had an open front, allowing him to see across the street to the temples that stood side by side. One of them was, of course, a Nan Yang temple while the other was a Xuan Zhen temple. He had long grown used to the sight of female followers entering and exiting his temples between giggles and hushed voices. What he wasn’t used to seeing, on the other hand, was the quiet, almost solemn-looking gaggle of women entering and exiting the Xuan Zhen temple.
He’d noticed throughout the day that more women than usual were entering Mu Qing’s temples. As well as couples and younger men. Odder than that was the apparently new color scheme the temples had. While most of the temples remained the same, new additions in black, grey, white and purple were added to the decorations. In this particular temple, he could see silk cloths of these colors hanging from the beams, creating a pattern that almost looked like flags.
Huh, what an interesting notion.
Taking a few more minutes to admire the temple as he finished his tea, Feng Xin reviewed his plan in his head. He wanted to make sure that the conversation would go smoothly, without misunderstandings that could lead them to a fight. He still wasn’t completely sure that his feelings for Mu Qing were those of love, but he couldn’t deny the sensations that came over him whenever he thought of the other. Baring the obvious lack of sexual attraction, he could almost say he felt the same way as with Jian Lan.
Almost because some of the feelings Mu Qing gave him were strikingly different.
He assumed that was normal, as Mu Qing and Jian Lan were completely different people. It’d be natural they’d give him different feelings. Even if he had felt like he wanted to spend the rest of his life with them.
The way things had ended with Jian Lan, though… It was more than obvious their relationship couldn’t be fixed further than co-parenting their son. (That is, if Cuocuo ever accepted him as such.) His current feelings for Jian Lan were complex, but they were mostly those of nostalgia and guilt. He was confident that he retained none of the previous love and passion he felt for her. (Even if that knowledge sat wrong with his sense of loyalty.)
Now, his feelings for Mu Qing .... Well, that’s what he hopes to finish untangling with their talk.
If only he could find that Sweeping General. He thinks he’ll scream if he doesn’t get done with this soon.
He really doesn’t want to scream.
… Especially not at Mu Qing.
With a deep breath, Feng Xin stands and pays for his tea. He’s curious about the changes in Xuan Zhen’s temple, so he makes his way towards it. Once he’s close enough to the temple, he spends a few seconds admiring the craftsmanship. Personally, he’s never bothered with how his temples looked, but General Xuan Zhen was known for being picky and fastidious when it comes to his own temples. The good thing about it is that, since both Generals are known to fight, Nan Feng’s followers also keep his temples in top shape so that they can compete with the Xuan Zhen’s followers. Truly, he’s never had to worry about his temples.
When a young couple exits the temple, Feng Xin waves at them to get their attention. He makes sure to avoid the woman without being too obvious, and speaks to the man directly.
“Apologies, I just wish to ask some questions regarding this temple.” Feng Xin said, attempting to look and sound like the young man he was currently under the guise of.
“Are you also coming to hear the wisdom from the wandering cultivator?” The woman asked. Her eyes gleamed with satisfaction and pride, as if the mere fact that people wanted to hear out this cultivator was reason to celebrate.
Feng Xin looked at her for a second before turning away. He was beginning to feel his skin crawl. He wishes interacting with women were easier. Sadly for him, women tended to perceive his discomfort as him being shy and thus only made them crowd over him, making the feeling worse. That’s probably why he never felt better when dealing with women.
“I didn’t know about this wandering cultivator.” He asked, making sure his voice remained steady. “Is he in the habit of preaching in the Xuan Zhen Temples?”
The woman made a soft noise, one he recognized as the one women typically made when they realized he was ‘shy’. This was the sound that preluded all the cooing and crowding, so he prepared mentally for the outburst that was sure to come.
Contrary to what he expected, the woman didn’t say anything to him. Instead, she squeezed her partner’s hand and softly whispered she’d wait at the teashop. And then did just that, leaving the two of them alone.
The man turned towards him with a content smile. “We apologize if we made you uncomfortable. To answer your question, the wandering cultivator is a recent development for the Xuan Zhen followers. Some months ago, a woman called Zihao Daiyu received a vision from General Xuan Zhen himself after meeting with a wandering cultivator in black and grey robes. In the vision, Xuan Zhen Jiangjun talked about a new aspect of his worship and informed us of a wandering cultivator that would be preaching in his temples to further explain it.”
Feng Xin was still slightly stunned at the woman’s odd behavior, so it took him a few seconds to really understand what the man had told him. When the information sinked in, he frowned. “A new aspect of his worship?”
The man nodded. “Fu-daozhang is currently inside the temple and he’s still receiving visitors. If you’d like to know more about it, then you should hurry before he’s done for the day.”
“Right.” Feng Xin looked at the open temple doors, trying to see if he could see inside. He turned to the mortal again, nodding his head in thanks. “Thank you, I’ll ask him then. And, about before—” He hesitated, trying to find a way to not sound rude or weird.
“There’s no need to explain.” The man shook his head. “We’re devoted followers of General Xuan Zhen and we’ll be following the new aspects of his worship. We won’t judge people’s preferences anymore and we won’t ask either. We merely hope we didn’t offend you or make you uncomfortable.” He added the last part with a bow.
Feng Xin was, quite understandably, stunned into silence. He didn’t understand a single thing of what had happened in the whole interaction. Remembering his manners, he told the man to not apologize and that it was fine, parting with some last words of gratitude. He walked to the temple’s entrance in long strides, avoiding the other mortals leaving the temple.
Once inside the temple, he located a temple attendant who could direct him to this ‘Fu-daozhang’ the man had mentioned. The attendant took him to the back of the temple, where there was an inside garden. In there, a group of people surrounded a man in black and grey robes, raptly paying attention to his words. Some made questions in hushed whispers, which the man answered back patiently. After several minutes of this, the people gave their thanks, bowing to the man.
It was then when Feng Xin managed to get a good look at the man. His appearance may be different, but he easily recognized the General of the Southwest.
So this was what was keeping Mu Qing so busy, huh.
Waiting until the mortals left, Feng Xin stayed behind and watched the other in silence. This was a new skill he had been trying to learn for the past few decades: patience. More often than not, he terribly failed at it. But there were moments like this, unusual moments in which he felt like he had all the patience in the world. Moments in which he felt content with just standing still and watching, enraptured, observing, detailing .
These small moments were the first sign of the change in his feelings towards Mu Qing. Mainly because they often happened when he was with the other. But it wasn’t like he could truly help himself. As long as Mu Qing didn’t notice him watching, he felt like he could stay just like that for all eternity.
Ugh, how disgusting. He was beginning to sound like fucking Crimson Rain.
(He hoped his expression wasn’t anything like Hua Cheng’s. Having those sort of smitten looks would completely ruin him. He’d have to stab himself with his own arrows and die.)
Thankfully for him, he didn’t have to test his new skill for long. Mu Qing had finished talking with the mortals and was turning to leave the garden, when he stopped. Their eyes locked for a second, before Mu Qing rolled his and stood right in place.
Asshole.
Feng Xin bristled, annoyed, and approached the other since obviously Mu Qing wouldn’t move an inch.
“Are you here to become a new follower?” Mu Qing smirked, looking proud and oozing confidence.
Feng Xin tried to not roll his eyes, he really did. “I heard there’s a Fu-daozhang preaching in the Xuan Zhen temples? Apparently some new aspect of worship?”
Mu Qing hummed. For a quick moment, he seemed uncharacteristically vulnerable before cooling his expression. He motioned with a hand to follow him and started walking towards a temple attendant. He mentioned to the attendant that he was done for the day and that he’d be in the private quarters if they needed him. The attendant bowed to him and left. Mu Qing then took Feng Xin to another part of the temple.
This part of the temple was much more quiet and private than the one they had been in. There didn’t seem to be anyone else in this part and Mu Qing sat down at a table that had snacks and a pot of tea. Feng Xin sat beside him without waiting for an invitation. He knew better than to expect one.
“So,” Feng Xin started, “Fu-daozhang?”
Mu Qing rolled his eyes. “It’s from Fu Yao. I didn’t find a reason to use another name.”
“Fair.”
Some uncomfortable silence passed. Suddenly, all of Feng Xin’s well-thought plans had immediately gone out of the window the moment he was right beside the object of his confusion (read: affections).
It really was so much easier to argue. They weren’t meant for cordial conversations like these.
“Why did you come to my temple?” Mu Qing asked. “Finally realized how much better they are than yours? Want to steal some ideas?”
Normally, Feng Xin would rise to the bait. This time, instead, he was far too curious for that. “Actually, I was wondering what’s up with the sudden color scheme?” He realized then that Mu Qing’s robes followed the same pattern. “Ah, is it because of the Fu-daozhang thing?”
Mu Qing stared, narrowed eyes full of too many complex feelings to properly decipher them all. Feng Xin didn’t even bother trying to. He waited, patiently , in a great show of his new skill, for Mu Qing to reply.
Finally, Mu Qing snorted, as if amused and entirely understanding of what Feng Xin had done. “You could say it’s something like that.”
Feng Xin continued waiting, because he had learnt that Mu Qing often needed long stretches of time to properly convey what he wanted.
Xie Lian would be so proud of him. He’ll make sure to tell him next time they speak.
“The colors look nice.” Mu Qing admitted. “But I didn’t ask my followers to use them. It seems they decided to use them as a symbolism of the new worshiping rules.”
“New rules?” Feng Xin asked carefully.
One of the advantages of being gods was that they could implement rules in their worshiping to ensure their followers didn’t go against their morals or what they stood for. Sometimes it was just for preferences. Despite Mu Qing’s perfectionism, he wasn’t one to enforce rules to his followers. Yes, he was picky and destroyed his statues if he didn’t like them until he did, but he had never directly gone temple to temple to enforce a specific rule. He didn’t even have that many rules in the first place! Mu Qing usually just didn’t answer prayers that went against his morals until his followers got the clue. This sort of behavior was new and strange for someone who had remained the same the past 800 years.
“En. My followers will not be allowed to judge or question others preferences, whatever they may be. Public displays of affection that go further than hand-holding won’t be tolerated in my temples, with the only exception of official weddings. My temples will now teach and spread awareness about non-typical relationships, focusing on those that abstain from sexual aspects. My temples will offer protection to those who identify as part of non-typical relationships, even if they’re not currently in one. Those who belittle, insult, or offend these people under my protection will receive severe punishment and won’t be allowed inside my temples. Among other things.”
Mu Qing had said all of this with an air of finality, as if he was reading the conditions in a contract and he wouldn’t change his mind on this. His posture was ramrod straight, more than ready to fight and defend his point if he had to.
Feng Xin didn’t know what to say. He had so many questions to ask, but he wasn’t here for that. This wasn’t the kind of conversation he wanted to have with Mu Qing.
“I see…”
“That’s it? That’s all you have to say about it?” Mu Qing asked with suspicion in his eyes.
“No, I have a lot of questions, but, to be honest, this wasn’t the kind of conversation I was expecting to have.” Feng Xin winced when he noticed Mu Qing’s posture turned defensive.
“And what kind of conversation were you expecting? Wanted to come and criticize me? Tell me to not do this? Tell me to not bother since mortals are just going to forget about it in a few years?”
“No! Of course not!” Feng Xin exclaimed. “I didn’t even know what you were doing until now!”
“So are you saying that you would’ve done that if you knew before?” Mu Qing sneered.
“That’s not it at all! Fuck, Mu Qing, why must you always warp my words to give them the worst possible meaning?!”
It was obvious Mu Qing wanted to go on a tirade, already too defensive from whatever far-fetched thoughts he was having, but in a great show of self-control he said nothing. Mu Qing was also learning to not blow things out of proportion with his overthinking. It was a slow progress, but it worked from time to time.
Truly, Xie Lian must be so fucking proud of them.
Taking a deep breath, Feng Xin continued, “You can do whatever the fuck you want, Mu Qing. If you want to have these new rules, then be my fucking guest. Personally, I’d like to hear your reasoning behind this since it’s so odd for you to enforce rules this way, but that’s something for later. What I wanted to talk about, and was expecting this conversation to be, was us .”
Mu Qing had been relaxing from his defensive posture as he heard, but suddenly tensed all over again with the last part. “Us?”
“Yes, us.” Feng Xin looked away. His nerves were taking over and he didn’t think he could look Mu Qing in the eye. “There’s, there’s something I’d like to talk about, regarding both of us.”
“Is this… an issue with the South?”
“No, it’s not official business.”
“Then what kind of business is it?”
“It’s, uhm, the personal kind?”
“Ah,” Mu Qing looked at him with a carefully blank expression. Then, as if he was being forced, he continued. “Look, I really thought I was holding it well, but if it’s bothering you I’ll work with it. This changes nothing between us and you don’t have to force yourself into reciprocating. In fact, you can just forget all about it—”
"Wait, wait, wait!" Feng Xin raised his hands for lack of a better thing to do. "What the fuck are you going on about?"
Mu Qing frowned, tightening his jaw. "Is this not about the way I look at you? I know that it's bothersome and that there will be nothing between us. Just give it some time and it'll leave on its own."
"The way you look at me? Nothing between us?"
There was no fucking way, right? No way Mu Qing, that emotionally constipated old cat, would ever hold feelings for him. Yes, he had hoped his feelings (?) were reciprocated, but he knew better than that. He wasn’t expecting this conversation to end with the two of them as a couple, rather he was only looking to untangle his feelings and understand them better.
Mu Qing kept his mouth stubbornly shut, probably thinking something along the lines that he’d said too much. That fucking idiot.
“Mu Qing, are you… interested in me?”
“No.”
“If you’re going to deny it, at least try to not look like you ate a sour lemon.”
“That’s just how disgusting I find the mere idea.”
“Don’t fucking roll your eyes at me! What the fuck, Mu Qing! Why didn’t you say something before?!”
“Why the fuck does it even matter?” Mu Qing screamed. His posture was defensive again. “It’s not like you would even care! There’s no way you’d ever want to be with me. If not for our constant fighting, then because I wouldn’t be able to give you what you want!”
That made Feng Xin pause. “What I want?”
Mu Qing sneered, aggravated, defensive, afraid . “I can’t give you sex. I don’t want that in a relationship. I’m not breaking my vows for anyone, not even you.”
Feng Xin stared in silence. Of course Xie Lian would be right. Of fucking course. He really was an idiot, wasn’t he?
“Mu Qing, I don’t want that.” He admitted quietly. He looked straight at the other, until Mu Qing dropped his defensive stance in confusion.
“What?”
“I don’t want to have a sexual relationship.” Feng Xin whispered, a blush rising on his cheeks. How could Mu Qing and Xie Lian not blush talking about this?!
Mu Qing looked stricken, like he received a hit he hadn’t seen coming. “You don’t? But… You had that kind of relationship before? Is this— Are you mocking me?”
“Why do you always assume the worst?! I’m not mocking you! Fuck, I know it’s weird, okay? Yes, I had that kind of relationship with Jian Lan, but it’s not—” Feng Xin sighed, slumping down where he sat. “It’s not the kind of relationship I want to have with you.”
“With me? With—” Suddenly, Mu Qing’s cheeks bursted with color. “You want to have a relationship with me?”
Feng Xin raised an eyebrow. “Is that really the thing that made you blush?”
“Shut up and answer me!”
“How am I supposed to do that? I can’t do both at the same time!”
“Fuck you, stop playing with me like this—”
“Yes to wanting a relationship with you. No to the fucking.”
That rendered Mu Qing speechless. Huh, useful knowledge right there.
“Look, Mu Qing,” Feng Xin said softly, “I’ll be honest with you. I’m still not completely sure what my feelings are. It’s weird knowing I like you but not being attracted to you the way I was with Jian Lan. I talked with Xie Lian about it, and he told me the best thing to do would be to talk to you and be open. He said it’s not that weird, that he used to feel the same, and that even now he doesn’t feel much different even with his husband. But I know it’s weird as shit and that I should—”
“You should nothing.” Mu Qing interrupted, a solemn expression overtaking his features. “The way you feel isn’t wrong or weird or bad. It’s who you are. It’s who we are. And we shouldn’t be ashamed of that. This is exactly what I’m trying to teach my followers and it’d be hypocritical of me to judge you for that.”
Feng Xin looked up with a small amount of awe. When did Mu Qing become this cool? Has he always been like that?
Mu Qing cleared his throat, raising a fist to his mouth and looking away. A small blush bloomed on his cheeks. “So you want to be with me, only romantically?”
“I— Is that something you would want?” Feng Xin asked, suddenly nervous. “I don’t know your stand on these sorts of things. I’ve never seen you in a relationship before. I don’t know what you’d be uncomfortable with.”
“We can talk about boundaries. What our limits are, what we expect from this, what to expect in the future.”
“Huh, well, off the top of my head, no sex?”
“Of course no sex, you idiot. We already established that. I meant about other things. Touches, public displays of affection, k-k-kissing...”
Feng Xin made a face at that. “Nothing like Xie Lian.”
Mu Qing made a face too. “Nothing like Xie Lian.”
“But… hand-holding? At least in public. When we’re alone… would it be okay to hold each other?”
“I’m okay with that.”
“As for kisses, huh, on the cheek? Forehead kisses? Hand kisses?”
“En, I’d, I would like that…'' The blush seemed to be a permanent feature in Mu Qing’s face now, even if he still looked like he ate a sour lemon. “Are you not okay with… with kissing, chaste kisses? Making out?”
Feng Xin’s face also bloomed with color as he shifted in place. “I’d be okay with that if you’re okay with that. As long as it doesn’t lead anywhere.”
“It doesn’t have to.” Mu Qing reassured. Then he added, “We can figure that out later.”
“Yeah, okay, yeah.” Feng Xin breathed deeply. He wondered if he was doing the right thing, if this was what he really wanted. “So we’re doing this then?”
“If you still want to, then yes. We can try.”
He doesn’t think he’s ever seen Mu Qing look so vulnerable and open. Realizing that Mu Qing was allowing him to see this, trusting him with this, made a warm feeling flutter in his chest.
Oh, he was already gone, wasn’t he? How stupid.
“En, I want to.”
Even if things didn’t work out in the end, at least he was sure it was something he wanted.
He wouldn’t have it any other way.