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Today has been shitty, so so shitty. Maybe shitty doesn’t cover it enough.
Mark is ready to go to bed and sleep for 14 hours, pretending this day never happened and it was just a fruit of his wide imagination, some kind of material from his nightmares. There’s no way these many things can go wrong in only one day.
He gets home expecting his roommate to be out, his head is so fuzzy and he’s so far gone that he can’t even remember his schedule. He’s really not in the mood for his teasing, or to talk.
“Welcome home, Smark, you look like shit,” Donghyuck greets him from his bed, looking at him over his laptop. So not out, great.
“Gee thanks Hyuck. I totally appreciate it,” Mark groans, throwing his backpack somewhere on the floor and moving to fall face straight into his bed.
He lets out a scream as his head hits the mattress.
“You're welcome. Had a tough day?”
“The worst. I just don’t want to exist anymore,” Mark says but the sound is muffled by his pillow. He’s pretty sure Donghyuck understood him anyway, he always does. “This sucks.”
“I get it,” he hears the bed sheets rustling and despite not being able to see it, he knows Donghyuck is coming to him. Tap, tap, tap. He’s near him. “I’m sorry you had a bad day, but now you can rest, yeah?” he feels a hand gently combing through his hair. “Did you eat anything?”
Mark simply shakes his head and groans.
“That’s okay. I can make you something. What would you like to eat?”
The older boy finally raises his head and looks at Donghyuck, who is sweetly smiling at him.
Sometimes it’s like this. Mark feels bad, gets into his head too much, or has a terrible day, it doesn’t matter. Donghyuck is always there for him, despite his constant teasing, and sometimes his mean laughter, he is always ready to help Mark, be there for him, reassure him, cook him a meal, play a movie, listen to his rambling and complaining.
Today is a little different. He’s never been this touchy. He never comforted Mark physically, the boy knows that he’s always been a little weird about touching people and giving affection. But it feels nice, it feels right to have Donghyuck running his fingers through his scalp, and it would feel even nicer to have him in his arms. He would never voice that thought out loud, though. He doesn’t want to think about what it could imply.
“I’m not hungry.”
Donghyuck rolls his eyes. “Don’t be stupid, you need to eat,” he pulls his hands away from his hair and Mark can’t help but whine at the loss of contact. “How about I make you some toast? You like toast, right?”
“That would be nice, actually,” Mark nods. “Thank you.”
“Alright. Be right back.”
Just like that he leaves, leaving Mark lying miserably in his bed, staring at the ceiling and remembering everything that went wrong today.
Woke up late, didn’t have time to have breakfast, missed the bus, had to run to his exam, completely forgot everything he studied, rained on the way home, the coffee machine stopped working, the list goes on and on. He sighs.
“Was it that bad?” Donghyuck asks, struggling to close the door to their room with his leg while he is holding a plate and a mug.
Mark gets up and grabs the mug, his hand brushes against Donghyuck’s, causing him to shiver. “Just a lot at once,” he sets the mug and the plate on his bedside table and looks at Donghyuck.
“Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really, just wanna eat the toast and maybe go to sleep for a bit.”
“Okay...Do you want me to leave for a while? So you can-” Donghyuck suggests but he quickly interrupts him.
“No, please. It’s okay.”
“Okay. Let me know if you need anything, alright?”
Mark nods and Donghyuck smiles at him. It’s warm and comforting. Mark realizes that the tightness on his chest is loosening up, he doesn’t feel as bad anymore. Maybe coming home to Donghyuck was the right choice.
♫♫♫♫♫
Mark mentally curses himself for being clumsy and awkward.
He had an important job interview today. It’s not like he needs the job, he just feels bad for making his parents pay for everything, his tuition, the apartment, his food, his hobbies, he just wanted to help somehow, but obviously, like always, he messed it up.
He choked up when the interviewer asked him questions, he tripped while walking to the office, almost spilled water on the interviewer and one of his shirt buttons popped out. But what hurt more wasn’t his actions, it was the way the interviewer glared at him and she almost spat out that they would email him the results in a few days, with that tone that actually means “I hope I never have to see you again.”
He feels himself tearing up. He’s not one to cry, it’s very rare for him to shed some tears, it mostly happens when he’s frustrated and he can’t help but be frustrated with himself. For not having better social skills, for not tying his sneakers properly, for having shaking hands. He blinks the tears away, he’s not about to cry over this.
He opens the apartment door, ready to jump into the comfort of his bed and allow himself to cry but instead he is surrounded by a sweet pastry smell. Vanilla, chocolate, and there’s something else he can’t really pick up.
“Hi, Melt,” Donghyuck greets him, waving his little pink-dotted spatula.
He’s using the flowery apron Mark gave him last year for Christmas and he just looks so adorable. Fluffy hair, batter spilled all over his face, his cheeky smile. Mark wants to hug him so badly.
“Hi, Hyuckie.”
“How did the interview go? I made cookies, or am in the process of making them. I thought it would take you longer, sorry? But it’s a little ‘congratulations for doing well’ or an ‘I’m sorry it didn’t go as expected, you're still great’ kind of thing,” he waves his arms around trying to get his point across, and Mark can’t help but break into a smile. Donghyuck is just too nice. Mark doesn’t deserve him.
“It was shitty. But it’s okay, it wasn’t meant to be I think.”
The pink-haired frowns. “It’s their loss, you know? You’re great and smart and hardworking and even if you’re a little lame they’re stupid for not hiring you. I’m sure you’ll find something much better! Fuck that company!”
Mark laughs, it bubbles in his chest. “Thanks. I’m okay, I think.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. Thanks, Hyuck. I really wanna try those cookies now,” he licks his lips and gets closer to where the other boy is baking.
“Yes!” he claps his hands together. “I’m sure you’ll like them! I made plain sugar cookies, and then I have some chocolate ones… they’re in the oven. And then there’s gingerbread but those are for Jaemin because he apparently likes them.”
“Ew.”
“Ew is right. I don’t get that boy, I truly don’t,” Donghyuck mixes the batter one more time, and Mark tries to dig a finger into it, only to get slapped by the spatula the other was holding. “Hands off my cookies, Lee. You’re not gonna eat raw cookie dough.”
“But it’s good.”
“And can also kill you. Just wait a bit for the chocolate cookies, and go wear something more comfortable,” he raises an eyebrow and Mark looks down at what he’s wearing.
“What’s wrong with this?”
“Too formal, makes me feel outshined. You can't be looking better than me in my own home.”
Another laugh. “Sure, I'll go change.”
♫♫♫♫♫
“Why can’t you just listen to me for once?” Mark groans.
“I’ve tried listening to you, many times, and it always ends up the same, so I’m sorry if I can’t keep doing it,” Johnny replies, Mark can’t see him but he’s pretty sure his brother’s face is red right now, and he’s trying not to lose control. “You can’t just-”
“So you don’t trust me? Is that it?”
“Sometimes I think I trust you too much, Mark. And look where that got us.” he’s angry now, his voice closer and closer to yelling out at him and Mark knows he won’t be able to handle it if Johnny yells at him. “You just can’t handle some situations and it’s okay.”
“I’m not a kid anymore! I’m 22!”
“But you’re acting like a kid! If you’re an adult, then act like one. Make us see you as an adult.”
Mark chokes up. “I- You know what? Bye. I don’t wanna talk to you right now.”
“Don’t you dare hang up on me, Mark Lee.”
But he does.
His hands are shaking as he hangs up the call. His breathing is heavy, he doesn’t know what to do. No matter how hard he tries it’s always the same, they see him as a little kid no matter what he does.
“Mal?” Donghyuck calls from his side of the room. He’s lying down, head against the bed as he scrolls through his phone, or at least he used to be. Mark thinks the yelling probably caught his attention. “Are you okay?”
Mark shakes his head as he can’t bring himself to speak a word, he’s afraid of what his voice will sound like.
“Shit. I’m sorry.”
“‘s okay,” he mumbles.
“I know you don’t really like touch but... do you want a hug?”
“Yeah. Please.”
His voice is small but Donghyuck hears him loud and clear. He sets his phone to the side and rushes to Mark’s bed, elbowing his side with the way he fell into the bed. He lets out a huff and brings his hand to his elbow, smoothing it.
“You okay?”
“Yeah sorry, I just got excited. It’s not every day that the Great Milk wants to give me affection.”
“One more word and I’m kicking you out of this bed.”
Donghyuck dramatically gasps. “You wound me.”
“Shut up. Just give me a hug.”
Donghyuck smirks, and oh how Mark wishes he was in the right mind state to wipe that annoying smug look out his face.
He settles for leaning further into Donghyuck’s arms when they’re tightly secured around him. He never knew hugs could feel this nice, maybe it's a Donghyuck thing.
“Is it that bad?” the pinkette asks.
“No.”
“See? I’ve always told you my hugs are great and can cure everything.”
Mark lets his head rest against the other boy’s chest and listens to his heartbeat. Thump, thump, thump. It helps him calm down, helps him forget the fight he just had with his brother and the consequences that will let themselves be known later.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Donghyuck asks, hand running through his hair like it did the other day. Mark’s heart decides that he enjoys this a little too much.
“Just fought with my brother. My brother, my mom… they always treat me like a kid, no matter what I do, or what I try to do, they act like I can’t do anything, and that I’m too young and immature. It just pisses me off.”
“You’re the youngest right?” Mark nods. “Well… I think they’re just trying to protect you. They’ve probably been doing that your whole life?”
“They have.”
“You’re their baby, They don’t wanna see you hurt.”
Mark groans. “But I’m grown now. I want to do things on my own without them being on my back all the fucking time.”
“Have you told them that?”
“I’ve tried! I’ve tried so many times but they don’t listen to me I just-” he stops himself to breathe. “I just wish they trusted me.”
“It seems like they care about you. I’m sure they do and I’m sure they trust you… they just aren’t showing it in the best way,” he continues running his fingers through Mark’s hair, sometimes stopping at certain spots to massage and scratch it.
“I know! I know they do… it’s just frustrating.”
“I’m sure it is. But I’m also sure you’ll figure it out, talk it out and fix it. Okay? Everything will be fine.”
“I hope so.”
♫♫♫♫♫
“Alright, Mel. What’s wrong?” Donghyuck asks as he enters their bedroom. Mark is lying down in bed, the covers up to his face.
He whines.
“I don’t know what that means.”
“I wanna drop out.”
“Me too, you’re not special,” the younger boy sits at the edge of the bed. “What happened?”
“Teachers are so mean.”
“They are.”
“I have no idea what we’re talking about in class,” he wails. “I’m gonna fail, and my parents will be disappointed and I’m gonna end up unemployed under a bridge and-”
Donghyuck pulls the covers down and puts his hand on top of Mark’s mouth, not letting him say anything else.
“And I’m the dramatic one?”
Mark mumbles something but it’s unintelligible.
“Listen. It’s okay. We’re all lost in class, we all fail some subjects, we’re all just navigating the world in the best way we can find. It’s gonna be okay.”
Mark nods his head.
“If I uncover your mouth, do you promise to not say anything stupid?” the pink-haired glares at him. Mark nods again so the other boy takes the hand away.
“I couldn’t breathe.”
“It’s what you deserve for being a drama queen.”
“I’m not!” Mark argues.
“You were spiraling but it's okay. How are you feeling?”
“Slightly better. I don’t know. Sometimes I just feel like I don’t know what I’m doing,” he looks at Donghyuck, and the other smiles in a comforting way. It’s bright like usual, his smile is always warm, almost inviting. It’s pretty and Mark would like to know what it feels like.
“It’s okay. We all get like that, but not all of us have great friends like me to pull us out of the stupid mind state.”
Friends . Right. That’s what they are.
“Everyone should have a friend like you.”
“I know right? I’m pretty great.”
“But you know that you can also count on me right? When you’re feeling down or something… I’m always here, I want to be able to comfort you too,” Mark confesses.
Donghyuck coos. “Aw Markie,” he gets closer to him in bed and takes Mark’s hand in his. “You’re a charmer. Don’t worry about me, I’m a tough cookie. I can handle myself just fine.”
The older boy frowns. “Sure.”
“Seriously, don’t worry. This is about you. Do you want some cuddles?”
“Cuddles would be great, actually.”
The other boy coos again and Mark can’t help but heat up. “Look at you, Spark. All cute and wanting cuddles? Who even are you?”
“Shut up.”
“You’d hate that.”
You’re right. I would hate it so much.
♫♫♫♫♫
Turns out that Mark does cry.
Maybe the ‘not crying out of sadness’ thing was wrong because his chest hurts and his eyes are watering more and more by the second.
This week has been terrible. It’s not even just one day, it’s the entire fucking week. He barely even feels real.
He hasn’t seen Donghyuck a lot, both too busy with exams and their own studying. Not to mention the different schedules. His friends are ignoring him — okay that’s rude to say, but Jeno and Renjun have been so focused on each other and their new relationship that they don’t even remember Mark exists. They haven’t hung out with him in a full week, let alone reply to his texts.
He’s been anxious, feeling bad, and he has no one to turn to. Donghyuck is busy, his friends don’t care, he can’t bother Johnny — they're still not on proper talking terms. He doesn't know what else to do and everything is just too much.
He lets the first tears fall and before he knows it he just can’t stop. The tears keep falling and falling splat splat splat on his desk.
He’s so far gone that he doesn't even hear the door opening and much less knows Donghyuck is there until he feels a chest pressed against his back.
“Mark? Mark, what’s wrong? Talk to me, please,” he begs.
Mark just sobs. He can’t stop himself, everything is just too much and he doesn’t even feel like he’s in control of himself anymore. He just cries and cries and cries.
He doesn’t even know where he is or how he feels anymore.
“Shhhh,” Donghyuck shushes him. “It’s gonna be okay, I’m here,” he keeps hugging him from behind, even when Mark bends down to put his head against his knees. “I’m here with you.”
He’s there but Mark can’t really feel him, his skin is itchy, fiery hot, and he so desperately wants to feel Donghyuck’s warmth, but he can’t and it’s making him even more upset.
Hug me, pull me closer, show me I’m not alone.
“Hyuck,” he gasps out. “Hyuck, please.”
“I’m here,” Donghyuck sounds desperate. “I’m here. What’s wrong? Talk to me.”
“I don’t know,” he struggles to say.
“Hey, it’s fine,” the younger boy slides his hand up and down on his back, whispering sweet reassures. “I’m here, I’m here with you.”
“Please don’t leave.”
“I won’t. I promise.”
Mark turns around and falls into Donghyuck’s embrace, pulling him closer and closer until all he feels is Donghyuck. He’s not alone, Donghyuck is here.
“I’m here, Mark.”
I’m not alone.
♪♪♪♪♪
Mark has been feeling great. These past few weeks he managed to do all his exams (and pass with sort-of decent grades), talked things out with his friends, fix things with his brother and his parents. Life, for once, is great. That company he applied to even emailed him telling him that he got the job he applied for, and that he will be starting next week. Finally things are looking up for him.
Today his last class of the day finished early, he went to the bakery next to his apartment, got some pastries (with a huge discount!!), he met up with his friends to have some Boba, he knew the answer to the questions his teachers asked him. Maybe all that suffering paid off.
He gets home, humming his favorite song to himself as he unlocks the door.
It’s all bright and happy, and then there are sniffles.
“Hyuck? You home?” he calls out. No reply.
As he walks to their room the sound gets louder.
“Hyuckie? Hey?”
Donghyuck springs up from bed, looking at Mark with wide red puffy eyes. He mumbles something to himself and tries to hide from the older.
“You’re not supposed to be home-”
“What’s up?”
“Nothing. I-” he tries to wipe the tears off his eyes with his sweater. “I’m okay.”
Mark runs up to Donghyuck, standing in front of him, trying to figure out to do.
“You’ll hurt yourself like this,” he finally does something and gently interlocks their fingers together, pulling Donghyuck’s hands away from his face. “And you’re not. You’re not ‘okay’”
“I’m fine,” he mumbles. “Don’t worry.”
“Hyuck,” Mark looks down at him, and the younger boy shivers. “Of course I worry, I don’t wanna see you like this. What’s up?”
“I lost my scholarship.”
“Fuck.”
“Y-Yeah,” his voice shakes. “I don’t know what to do. I-I don’t have money, I’ll have to move out I’ll- I can’t go back to my parents, they hate me Mark.”
“Hey,” Mark brings his hands to Donghyuck’s face and makes him look into his eyes. “Focus on me.”
Donghyuck blinks and looks at him, his breathing getting more stable as they stare at each other in silence.
“It’s going to be okay.”
“It’s not, I need to find a job and a new place and-”
“Listen. It’s okay, we’ll find you a job. This semester was paid for, right?” Donghyuck nods. “Then you have all summer, you’ll find a job and it’s gonna be okay. We’ll figure this out. I can cover the apartment for a few days, they called me back from that interview, remember?”
Donghyuck laughs through the tears. “ We’ll figure this out?”
“Well… you always make my problems your problems. So I can make your problems my problems as well. They’re our problems now.”
“You’re so cute M&M’s. You don’t need to do that for me-”
“M&M’s, seriously? That’s a new one. But don’t worry, you do much more for me, you don’t even know.”
“What? They’re sweet, you’re sweet. It makes sense. You’re too sweet.”
Mark can’t help but let the smile make its way to his lips and the red to the tip of his ears. “Fine, whatever you say. But listen, I know I can always count on you to depend on, and to be there for me, so... count on me too, okay? If you ever feel like it’s too much, or if you’re sad, or even if you just want to complain. Let me know and I’ll listen. I care about you, so much.”
“Thanks, Mark. Seriously, I’ll try.”
“I know I’m not a Donghyuck, but I’m sure I can be a good friend and comfort you when you need me to.”
“I’m sure you can, Markie,” he giggles and leans into Mark’s hands, which are still holding his cheeks between the palms. “But you do know you’re much more than a good friend to me right?”
“I am?” he asks, confused.
“You are.” Donghyuck smiles.
There are so many things Donghyuck could be referring to, but the way he just leans further into his touch and presses a soft kiss onto his palm tells Mark everything he needs to know. It’s the same way he feels.
They’ll talk about it some other time. There’s no rush.
Mark knows Donghyuck has him, and he’s pretty sure Donghyuck knows he has him too.