Work Text:
Jin Guangshan woke up filled with anticipation. He didn’t know why, but what he did know…
He always saw lots of his little toys when he woke up feeling this way. Smiling, he excitedly emerged from his bed. He had to put on his best robes in order to get the best dolls.
(Bustling around the town, a few thousand young maidens shuddered, feeling like they suddenly needed a bath.)
Jin Guangshan was having the time of his life . He’d already known he would see lots of pretty dolls today because of his feeling in the morning, but this…
This was really something else.
He dragged his gaze from side to side, making sure he fully absorbed every maiden’s, ahem, assets , on his stroll through the market. There were so many ! Jin Guangshan hadn’t seen so many pretty toys in weeks ! He’d thought they’d all left after that silly little accident he had with the soup, the frog, and that cute little girl…
Ah, whoa, he thought when he saw a pair of cute sisters crossing his path, I really need to get some of these for myself .
Just as he was planning to finally swoop in and make his handsome move, the mass of maidens unexpectedly turned to the North, and walked off. Interesting , thought Jin Guangshan with a smirk, and followed them.
(While he didn’t usually walk behind others, this time he was willing… it got him the most special view.)
Thousands of pretty things were gathered just outside of the town, and Jin Guangshan almost drooled at the sight. They were milling around, speaking in high voices, giggling, laughing, and oh , what a good day it was indeed.
Slithering through the crowd, Jin Guanshan took a good look at all the sights served to him on a silver platter, feeling as if he truly did deserve this experience after such a stressful and pent-up week. He’d been working so hard on planning a wedding for that legitimate son of his. That boy had better be grateful, Jin Guanshan was missing out on some great action for his sake!
His frustration was cut off when the dolls, again in unison, turned toward a voice beginning to speak at the edge of the forest. It was— yes! It was one of the two sisters!
“Welcome to the Lanling meeting, everyone!” it shouted with its nice, melodic voice. “For those of you who don’t know, not that I think there’s anyone here who doesn’t, Laoshi can’t make it today, as he’s— ah, well… busy .”
At this, the crowd giggled in harmony, and Jin Guangshan felt his soul ascend. Heaven, here he comes!!
The other sister continued the address, but Jin Guangshan had already become bored. Turning to the side, he began walking through the crowd in search of a prime specimen, making sure to use his most attractive strut. It was irresistible, his playthings never failed to fall at his feet!
After a while, he paused next to a gorgeous one, and began to put his skills in practice. This one wouldn’t last a minute
What? Did it just blow him off? Surely he understood this wrong— nope, it was walking away. He took in the ( great ) view a bit mournfully, but moved on.
He saw a cute one, and tried again, but this one turned to walk away even before he reached it. What was up with that ?? Jin Guangshan was starting to get angry .
At last, he spied a young one. It looked about sixteen— the prime age! A young one like this would never be able to fend him off for too long. Without hesitation, he slid into the spot next to it.
He was ignored.
This was to be expected, however, so he decided to begin a conversation.
“Hello there, young maiden.”
It peeks at him from the corner of its eyes. Jin Guangshan knew it was going to respond, he just knew—
“Ah… hello?”
Caught.
“Apologies for the distraction, young maiden, but I happened to come across this… gathering, and I’m a bit confused? What’s all this about?” Jin Guangshan knew that younger people tended to enjoy explaining things to their elders. He’d utilized this knowledge on many occasions, with a staggering rate of success. Oh, he was so excited for this one!
It seemed the cute little thing was finishing its explanation already (something about a fan club?), so Jin Guangshan decided to strike while the iron was still hot.
“Well, pretty maiden, I apologize, but it sounds a bit boring to me. Maybe the two of us could find something… more fun to do, yes?” Come on, come on already, Jin Guangshan was so pent up—
“Apologies, sir, but I myself do find this fun. Maybe later?”
Damn!
“Come on, don’t be like that,” Jin Guangshan said, impatient. “What I have in mind is much more fun, I promise !”
“Uhm, no thank you,” was the little thing’s response, and it moved to step away from him. No way .
Jin Guangshan grabbed its arm. “Come on —"
“ Someone’s harassing Xiao Lu!! ”
Before he even knew what happened, Jin Guangshan was already being held face down on the ground by at least ten strong arms. What the fuck? He was a cultivator! How was this even possible?
The shouts of “get some rope!” and “get a chair!” snapped him out of his shock, and he began to struggle. For a beautiful moment, he almost thought he’d freed himself, but suddenly his hands were being tied up with rope!
Hell no! Jin Guangshan began kicking his legs and squirming like an eel, he would never let these bitc—
Jin Guangshan woke up tied securely to a chair, stood on a podium before a few thousand furious women.
In any other circumstance, he wouldn’t have minded this at all. In fact, this had previously happened to him in a few dreams. No, he wouldn’t have minded this, if only there hadn’t been piles of rocks on the ground and in the girls’ hands! In the front stood the two sisters and the young one he had grabbed, with the biggest rocks of all, and—
Ouch .
Jin Guangshan looked down at the fresh bruise on his hand, already a vivid purple.
“As if I would let anyone but the Yiling Laozu grab at me,” said the little one.
What??
“The Yiling Laozu? Little maiden, are you insane? That— that beast is a disgrace —”
And the shower started.
For what felt like hours, maybe years , Jin Guangshan was assaulted with rocks of various shapes and sizes. Only due to his above-average cultivation was he able to survive! He endured the agony through screams and wails and shrill shrieks, until his body was more bruise and blood than flesh.
Just when he thought he would truly succumb, the onslaught suddenly stopped. During that simple breather, he lost consciousness once again.
Coda:
After stopping the group of women from throwing rocks at his father (he would have asked what that was about, but he already knew his father had probably deserved it) and sending his battered form back to Jinlintai with a few guards, Jin Zixuan turned back toward the assembly.
… they looked very pleased with themselves.
For a while, Jin Zixuan and the crowd stared at one another, unsure of what to say.
Jin Zixuan thought, You know what? I’d better not waste this opportunity. Zixuan, it’s time to finally get over your shame!
“Greetings, ladies. Um,” he began, then almost chickened out right away. But, no! He had to do this!
Taking a deep breath to try and quell the blush on his face, Jin Zixuan continued; “I’m unsure what to do to make my betrothed the happiest woman in the realms. I was wondering if, well, if any of you might have any suggestions…?”
Thousands of eyes lit up at once, and Jin Zixuan felt that he really should have listened to his instincts…