Archive of Our Own

He didn’t know why he was there. It was the middle of the night, but he couldn’t sleep, his thoughts were constantly going back to that day… He’d been scared. Not really for himself, more for Eddie and Christopher. God, if anything happened to them… Shit.

Buck ran a shaky hand over his face. He was sitting in his car, at three am, in front of Eddie’s house. He didn’t know why. It was the second night after all that went down, and he thought he was fine- he was fine. During the day, he was great. But then night came, and he crumbled. Last night he slept more or less okay, exhausted after the day he had had. Tonight, everything came rushing back. He had his fair share of stressful calls, but that- that was fucking horrible. If Eddie got shot again, Buck honestly didn’t think he’d be able to handle that. And if the guy made good on his threat to- he couldn’t even think about that. There was no threat anymore, the guy was dead, but still, he just wanted to know they were safe.

So, he got into his car and before he knew it, he was in Eddie’s driveway. He didn’t plan on coming here, he just felt so restless at home, he decided to leave his apartment. And then he just automatically drove here. He wasn’t sure what to do now. He didn’t want to wake Eddie and Chris, but he also didn’t feel like getting back to his apartment. As ridiculous as it might have seemed, he felt better even being just closer to them. But he didn’t wanna be a weirdo and sleep in his car in front of their house.

Before he could decide what to do, the front door opened, and Eddie came out of the house, wearing a t-shirt and shorts, his hair messy from sleep, and a confused frown on his face. He looked cute. Buck couldn’t help but smile, and feel a little relieved when he saw him. He didn’t know why, he knew Eddie was home, he knew he was safe. Still, he felt much more relaxed when he actually saw him.

Seeing Eddie up surprised him, too, and before he could get out of the car, it was Eddie who opened his car door, from the driver’s side.

“Hi.” Buck said quietly with an awkward smile and a freaking wave.

“Buck, what are you doing here?” he sounded tired more than anything.

“Sorry, did I wake you?” well now he felt bad.

“Nah, I woke up and was getting a glass of water and saw your car through the window.” he explained. “Why are you here at three in the morning?” he repeated.

“Couldn’t sleep.” Buck sighed. “I don’t know, sorry.” he chuckled nervously. “I just- After what happened-” he took a shaky breath. What the fuck was he doing. They were fine. “Sorry, I’ll go home.” he added, deciding to get it the fuck together, and deal with whatever he was feeling on his own. He didn’t need to bother Eddie, he had his own stuff, and those panic attacks… As if Eddie needed his sorry ass here on top of everything else.

“Don’t be stupid. Come in.” he opened the door wider. Before Buck could protest, Eddie raised his eyebrow and made that ‘don’t even try arguing with me’ face. Buck had no choice but to get out of the car, lock it, and follow Eddie home. “Something to drink? Water, beer, anything else? You’re staying the night.” he added, already knowing that Buck was gonna say he couldn’t drink, because he was driving. Damn, Eddie knew him so well.

“Thanks, I’m good.” Buck said, then went to the living room and sat on the couch. Eddie joined him a minute later, with two glasses of water. Buck raised an eyebrow, but then he realized his throat was fucking dry, so he took the glass and downed it in three sips. Eddie smirked, sitting down next to him. That guy really knew him too well.

“So. You wanna talk about it?” Eddie asked, turning towards him. 

“I don’t know.” Buck exhaled loudly. “I just, I keep thinking about, you know- Uh, I was- I was so fucking scared, Eddie.” he whispered the last sentence, not looking at his best friend.

“I know.” Eddie said softly. 

“And when he talked about Chris-” he hid his face in his hands. God. He didn’t wanna cry. Everything turned out fine, what the hell.

“I know.” Eddie repeated, this time a little angrier. Buck understood. He was pissed, too. He was angry and scared, and so fucking tired.

“If anything happened to you or Christopher-” Buck started again, but was cut off by Eddie.

“It didn’t.” he put his hand on Buck’s shoulder. “Hey, look at me.” Buck did. Immediately and involuntarily. How was it possible that it was so easy for Eddie to get him to do anything… It was annoying, sometimes. Eddie looked into his eyes, and smiled reassuringly. “We’re all fine, Buck.”

“I know that.” Buck licked his lips nervously. His mouth and throat were dry again. “I just needed to, uh, see you, I guess. And make sure you’re fine. Both of you.” he admitted. “It’s stupid.” he looked away again.

“It’s not. I get it.” Eddie took his hand away from Buck’s shoulder, but somehow it was on Buck’s knee now. It was comforting, to have even just a little bit of physical touch. Kind of a reassurance that he’s actually there. “Truth be told, I could sleep on the floor in Christopher’s room for the next month, just to make sure nobody’s gonna hurt him. But I’m trying not to drive myself crazy enough to do that.” he chuckled lightly. “And I know you love him, and you’d, uh, take a bullet for him.” he snorted. “Sorry.”

“I would.” Buck said, meaning it with all his heart. He’d die for both of them. They were the two most important people in his life. “And that’s not funny.”

“Yeah, maybe not.” Eddie shrugged, his hand slipping off Buck’s leg, that felt oddly cold now. “I just- our lives are kinda ridiculous sometimes. Normally ‘I’d take a bullet for you’ is just something people say. And we…” he shook his head. “I mean, I was shot. And two days ago we were held at gunpoint. It’s fucking crazy.” 

“Yeah.” Buck exhaled heavily. 

“Point is,” Eddie continued. “I get how it feels. If it wasn’t for Christopher being here, I know that I’d be driving to your place to check on you, too.” he admitted.

“Really?” Buck couldn’t help the note of doubt in his voice, and he was sure it was visible on his face anyway.

“We’ve had this talk before.” Eddie’s voice was more firm now. “You’re not expendable, Buck. And I-” he paused and took a deep breath. “I don’t know what I’d do if anything happened to you.” he reached his hand out again, and took Buck’s hand in his, and after a moment of hesitation, Eddie intertwined their fingers. What was happening there? “I’m glad you’re here.”

“Here, as in…?” Buck asked stupidly, earning an eye roll.

“Here, as in alive, obviously. But also here, as in, right here.”  his voice got softer, and he squeezed Buck’s hand. Buck looked at their clasped hands and couldn’t look away. They were literally holding hands now. It wasn’t something they normally did. Buck was so confused.

“You, um, you were really awesome there.” Buck blurted out. “I honestly don’t know how you did it. I would never be able to keep my cool like that.” he chuckled.

“I needed us both to make it.” was all he said. Then, after a longish while of sitting in silence, Buck stifled a yawn, and that’s when Eddie spoke up again. “You wanna keep talking, or get some sleep? It’s late, this conversation probably wasn’t what it should’ve been anyway, but we’re tired. We can talk it all over tomorrow, or any other day. We’ll deal with this together, okay?” his free hand took Buck’s chin to make him look at Eddie. “I’m always here for you, Evan.” he said with a soft smile, and Buck was once again surprised at the use of his name. It sounded strange, no one really called him that, aside from his parents or sometimes Maddie. But when Eddie said it, it sounded good. Buck even liked it a little. 

“Can I-?” he started, but had to clear his throat. “Can I just, uh- This is fucking stupid.” he turned his head away.

“Just don’t wake him up.” Eddie chuckled, obviously already knowing that what Buck needed was to see Chris, to just, just make sure he’s fine. Obviously he was, but he still needed to see him… he couldn’t explain it.

Buck smiled and got up, letting go of Eddie, which was harder than he expected. He just wanted to keep holding his hand, forever. It was grounding, in a sense, but also just really nice and comforting, and intimate. 

He tried to be as quiet as possible, as he opened the door to Chris’ room. He smiled, seeing him sound asleep in his bed. He was fine. Feeling tears in his eyes, Buck quickly closed the door. Once again, this was fucking stupid. Why was he crying? They were all fine. And he knew that, it’s not new information. Maybe he was just relieved to be home. To be with Eddie and Christopher. Two people he loved the most.

“Hey.” he heard Eddie whisper. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” Buck nodded, walking over to him and wrapping his arms around Eddie, his face hiding in the crook of Eddie’s neck. “I think I am now.” he whispered, and felt Eddie’s arms wrap around him and hold him close. 

“You wanna go to bed?”

“I don’t wanna let go.” he admitted, because it was late and dark, and quiet, and he was exhausted, and he honestly couldn’t care less how it might sound. He loved Eddie. He might never get to have him in the way he’d want, but he has him as a best friend. And best friends could hug, and he just wanted to stay like that for as long as he could.

“We can cuddle.” Eddie said, a little nervousness mixed with amusement in his voice. Was Eddie… inviting him to sleep in his bed? With him? Buck didn’t expect that turn of events. “Come on, before you fall asleep while standing up.” he added with a chuckle.

“Yeah, okay.” Buck reluctantly pulled away, but then he felt Eddie grab his hand again, then lead him to the bedroom. Buck was already in his pajamas, and he took the shoes off at the door, so they just went straight to bed. 

Buck expected it to be awkward, at least at the beginning, but it wasn’t. At all. Quite the opposite, actually. It was the most comfortable he’s been in a fucking while. He let Eddie hold him, and play with his hair, and later, when Buck was already almost asleep, he felt Eddie intertwine their fingers again. It was unlike anything else they ever did, and Buck couldn’t help but think that, if Eddie acts like that, maybe there was some hope for Buck’s feelings to be reciprocated… Maybe.

“Hey, Eds?” he slurred sleepily.

“Hm?” Eddie hummed right next to Buck’s ear. Oh God, he was so close. Buck should be nervous. The guy he’s been in love with for years was in bed with him, cuddling him and holding his hand. But that guy was also his best friend, a person Buck felt more comfortable with than with anyone else. 

“I-” he paused, an ‘I love you’ almost slipping out of his mouth. That was not the time for that, though. “Thank you.” he decided to say, sighing happily, as Eddie’s thumb started to gently stroke his hand, while their freaking fingers were intertwined. Damn, this was a scene straight out of a dream. That night was certainly something. 

“For what? I didn’t do anything.” Eddie’s voice sounded like he was half asleep, too. “Besides, I’d do anything for you.” he added so quietly Buck almost didn’t hear. He wasn’t sure if he hadn’t imagined it. Either way, it was amazing, and it allowed him to fall asleep with a giant grin on his face. And to think he couldn’t even fall asleep at all back at his place. “Go to sleep, we’ll talk tomorrow.”

Soon enough, they were both asleep. And that was the best sleep he’s had in a long time. He was truly home.