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"It's March," Jungkook points out, looking up over his book.
Jimin ignores him.
He's sitting cross legged at the other end of the room, stitching pieces of cloth together by hand. There's a mess of materials next to him - his tape measure, a bunch of coloured chalks, worn out paper with patterns and measurements drawn on them.
Jimin is serious about this.
But it's only March.
"It'll be May before you know it," Jimin says. "It's never too early to prepare."
"I didn't see anyone else preparing."
"Even better. Then I'm getting a head start."
Jungkook watches him sew the cloth together with expert motions.
He has a test tomorrow. Jimin probably does too. But in spite of that he's here stitching his clothes for Pride.
Jungkook didn't even know that people did that.
The colours on the cloth that Jimin has laid out - they're so bright. So lovely. So very Jimin.
They say I am who I am.
I know who I am.
Jungkook stares at his book without reading.
/
To be honest, Jungkook doesn't think he should go to Pride.
It feels like trying to barge into a place he doesn't belong.
He knows he shouldn't feel that way. Jimin has told him over and over that Jungkook doesn't have to know who he is, that he's only in his twenties and has a whole life ahead of him, that Pride is for anyone who would feel at home there - and Jungkook knows this.
He knows that Jimin is right.
But Jungkook is a little afraid that he isn't anything.
He isn't straight. He doesn't think he's gay.
He doesn't even know what gender means to him.
Pride is for people who are colourful, unapologetically themselves. People who dare to love, people who dare to demand their rights to a life.
And here's Jungkook. Who doesn't even want someone to love. Who doesn't care who he's seen as - a boy, a girl, it doesn't matter to him.
And if it doesn't matter, if Jungkook doesn't have enough feelings - then he doesn't belong there.
He's just taking up space.
He's standing next to people who are so very themselves, and trying to pretend that he's one of them when he isn't. Just because he wants to belong somewhere.
Maybe Jungkook should sit this out.
He's dreamed of the parade all year. There are no clear pictures of it, no proper videos for security reasons, but Jimin tells him stories.
He tells him how it feels to stand together, to realize that nothing can keep them down.
Jungkook dreams of that feeling every day. But he doesn't think he has the right to feel it.
He doesn't have a himself to be proud of being.
He just has hope that he'll figure it out, and can belong somewhere someday.
/
"Do you need me to take you to the store?" Taehyung asks one day.
It's April.
It's far too close to Pride.
Everyone is buried in exams and chaos. Jungkook is exhausted and sleep deprived, heating up some ramen to fuel an all-nighter, when Taehyung appears at the door.
"What," Jungkook asks.
"Jimin said you hadn't figured out what to wear yet," Taehyung says. "I don't have an exam tomorrow, want to go to the store?"
"It's okay hyung, I'll just wear something I have."
"You sure?"
There's nothing judgmental in his tone, just surprise.
Maybe because Jungkook's usual style doesn't look like it would fit in at Pride.
Dark hoodies and worn out jeans - he'd look like a regular college student who didn't have a life. The sort of person you can't tell anything about, whose clothes add nothing to their story.
Jungkook's clothes make him feel like the void.
Not a boy, not a girl, not anyone else either.
He's the sort of invisible that doesn't belong at Pride.
Maybe he'd be laughed at. For walking into what should be the best day ever looking like it was just another day for him.
Maybe it would make someone angry.
But Taehyung doesn't say anything about it.
"You want to get something better to eat?" he asks instead.
Jungkook stares at his ramen, and nods.
/
He's in the library, half asleep over his books, when Min Yoongi sits down across from him.
"Hey," Yoongi says, "I was looking for you."
There's no reason for Yoongi to be looking for him.
Yoongi is the unofficial head of the campus' unofficial LGBTQIA+ club. It wasn't his idea to make the club, but he's the only reason it's stayed active, and is very much the reason why it's been undetected by staff, so the whole club pretends he's the head anyway.
He's on good terms with Jimin and Taehyung, but Jungkook doesn't know how to talk to him.
Yoongi is pan, and open about it. He's the sort of person who Jungkook sees working for NGOs or turning the government inside out to make the world better.
"Why, hyung?" he asks, nervous.
"You never responded to the email survey," Yoongi says. "I'd asked how many people from the club needed transport to get to Pride."
"Oh," Jungkook realizes. "Right."
He hadn't responded to the survey because he didn't think he'd go.
He thought ignoring it meant no one would ask.
"Yeah," Yoongi says. "I need to figure out how to get us all there - if you're going with your friends that's fine, but if you need help then I'm trying to figure out what vehicle to hire."
"Oh," Jungkook says again.
There's an awkward silence.
Jungkook's heart beats too loud.
He can't lie. It's rude to tell Yoongi that he'd join them if he's going to ditch at the last minute.
But there's no way he can tell Min Yoongi that he isn't going to turn up for the parade.
Min Yoongi, who's dedicated his whole life to this.
Jungkook presses his fingers into his palms, unsure of what to say.
Yoongi waits patiently.
"I'll come with my friends," Jungkook says at last.
Yoongi's eyebrow furrows. "Okay. Which ones?"
Another terrible pause.
"Jimin hyung?" Jungkook tries.
Yoongi's eyebrows furrow further.
"Jimin said he'd come with us weeks ago," he says. "Do you need to check with him again?"
He's taking out his phone, ready to dial - always so ready to help and it makes Jungkook feel like shit.
"No, no, I - uh, I'll just find someone else to come with, it's okay."
Yoongi stares at him, slowly setting his phone back on the table.
The worst thing about Yoongi is that it's impossible to hide anything from him.
"Are you afraid of me?" he asks quietly.
"What? No."
"Someone else in the club? Is anyone giving you a hard time? If they are then I'll deal with it, you don't need to avoid us."
Jungkook waves his hands no. "No, hyung, really, everyone is so nice. They're great."
"Then why are you so scared to come with us?"
"It's not like that, I - " Jungkook takes a breath.
It's just better to say it.
"I don't think I'll come to Pride."
"Oh," Yoongi says, surprised.
For a moment he doesn't say anything.
There isn't a hint of disappointment on his face, he just looks like he's been thrown off guard.
"Do you want to talk about it?" he asks gently.
Like he knows there's something more to it.
/
Jungkook has never really - talked to Yoongi.
He always skirts around him, smiles at him and laughs with him but keeps his head down. The only people he hangs out with in the club are Jimin and Taehyung. He sticks by their side at club meetings, and hides as much as he can.
This is the first time he's really talked to Yoongi.
And it's so easy.
He tells Yoongi about how - he doesn't seem to be anyone. It's like he's defined by the lack of what everyone else seems to have. Everyone is someone, some part of the vast spectrum, and Jungkook is just - empty.
He can't figure out a gender because all he feels is a lack of it.
He can't figure out who he's attracted to because he doesn't feel attraction.
He's heard all the words, asexual, agender, genderqueer, aromantic, ace - but Jungkook doesn't know if he's one of them, or if he's just broken.
That's when Yoongi's eyes get a little more concerned.
"There's nothing broken about it, Jungkook-ah," he says quietly. "If anything I'm sorry."
"Why are you sorry?"
"There was no one in the club you could relate to, huh?" he says almost to himself. "Must have felt left out."
Jungkook opens his mouth to say something, but no words come out.
It's not that he's left out - it's that he's probably supposed to be.
He's trying to squish himself into a place where he doesn't belong because he doesn't fit in anywhere else either.
"That's what I thought too, you know?" Yoongi says.
Jungkook starts.
He can't imagine Yoongi not fitting into the community. Yoongi is like - the definition of the community.
Jungkook has never seen someone else so himself.
"I didn't figure out I was pan for a long time," Yoongi says. "I only realized in my second year, can you imagine?"
"Really?"
"Really. And, well - it seemed stupid to make a big deal about it."
Jungkook frowns. "What do you mean?"
"Because it didn't really matter who I was attracted to, yeah? That's how it felt. I didn't need anyone to accept my sexuality, I could just as easily fall in love with a woman and live my whole life never breathing a word about it."
Yoongi leans forward, one elbow on the table, reaching out to tap Jungkook on the forehead.
Tap, tap, tap.
Jungkook stares at him, transfixed.
"But that's just the fear talking," Yoongi says. "You're so used to trying not to take up space, to keep your head down where you can. You think that if you can hide it then it's not a big deal. Well, maybe you can hide it, but that doesn't mean it's not an overwhelming part of you."
Jungkook bites his lip, turning away.
"And maybe you don't know who that is," Yoongi says. "It's okay to be undecided too, it's okay to go your entire life without labels. That's not what pride is about."
"It is, though," Jungkook says. "It's about being yourself."
"It's about being yourself," Yoongi agrees. "And this - " He takes Jungkook's hand in his, holding it in a tight grip to make his point. "Is you."
Jungkook wavers despite himself, tears coming up, but he holds them back.
"You don’t know that," he says. "What if - what if it isn't? What if five years later I find out I'm just straight and I just hadn't - had those feelings yet?"
"Then that's fine too," Yoongi says. "No part of you is set in stone. All that matters now is - do you feel at home, calling yourself queer?"
He does.
He feels more at home than anywhere else, even though he can't figure out why.
"Then that's all that matters," Yoongi says. "I'm taking you to Pride." He picks up his phone again, typing something into the screen.
"What if - I don't know what flag to hold?" Jungkook asks quietly. "Will anyone be pissed?"
"If anyone is pissed I'll eat them," Yoongi says, far too easily. But he looks up at Jungkook, eyes serious. "All of us had no idea who we were once. I tried out a ton of labels before one stuck. What's important is that you don't force yourself into a label that you're uncomfortable with before you're ready for it."
"Okay," Jungkook says.
And then, "Thank you, hyung."
Yoongi smiles. "I should be doing a better job," he says, but it's quiet and to himself. "The fuck am I doing, how did we get all the way to April without any agender rep, the fuck - "
Jungkook laughs a bit.
"It's not funny," Yoongi says, still typing on his phone like a crazy person. "I'll find more people for you to talk to and then you'll feel better, you just have to meet people like you, that's what fixes everything - "
Jungkook can't explain it, but he already feels better.
He already feels like he's met someone like him.
/
Yoongi doesn't go back on his promise.
Just a week later, he sends Jungkook a name and a contact number.
This is Jung Hoseok's number, Yoongi has written. He's from SNU. You can talk to him about what it feels like to be on the ace spectrum or agender.
Jungkook doesn't work up the guts to text him for a long time.
But May ticks closer, and the fear in Jungkook's stomach grows.
What if, despite everything Yoongi said - Jungkook didn't belong?
He scrolls through article after article of do ace people belong in the LGBTQ community. The only answers are of course, and obviously with no clear reason, and that leaves him with the dawning horror that there isn't a reason, that no one can come up with one, that Jungkook is just an outsider forcing his way in -
It's the fear that finally makes him text Hoseok.
Hello, I'm Jeon Jungkook. Min Yoongi gave me your number?
The reply is instant.
Heyyy, I've been waiting for your text! Yoongi told me a lot about you.
Texting Hoseok is easy.
His replies are both lighthearted and serious at the same time. He doesn't tell Jungkook much about being ace and genderqueer, as he had expected, but asks questions along side him.
I don't care about pronouns, isn't that weird? Jungkook texts him once. I don't mind what anyone calls me. I don't feel bad being called hyung or oppa. Isn't that weird? Doesn't that mean I don't mind being a man?
And Hoseok doesn't tell him that that's stupid, or try and fix the thoughts, all he says is I wonder that too. Someone called me noona once and that didn't make me feel bad either. It's probably messed up that we're trying to base our identities so much on what makes us feel bad instead of what makes us feel okay.
Jungkook thinks about that sentence for a long time.
I don't know, he says, another day, when he's panicking in the bathroom because he still hasn't figured out what to wear to Pride and if he wants to paint flags on his face or not. I just feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. So what if I don't feel sexually attracted to anyone. Why would anyone care?
Of course no one cares, Hoseok says. Do you care that all these straight boys are straight?
…no.
Doesn't stop them from existing, does it?
LOOOL
Not gonna lie, I worry about this too. It feels like we could bury it down, right? But that's just because we're thinking of ourselves as different. As not part of the norm. There is no norm, Jungkook-ah. That's the whole point.
I guess.
We don't have to pretend to be normal, because there isn't a normal, okay? There's just us.
/
They don't end up hiring a vehicle - instead, they pile into the cars of anyone who owned them.
Jungkook ends up in Yoongi's car, squished between Jimin and Taehyung in the back seat with Namjoon sitting in the front. Everyone is excited, barely holding still, Jimin practically vibrating and Taehyung drawing last minute touches over his rainbow arm tattoo.
It ends up messy, blurring each time Yoongi hits a bump, but he keeps at it anyway.
He's here in a grey t-shirt and his worn out jeans, because ultimately that was all that could feel like him. There's paint on both of his cheeks - the asexual flag on one side, and the agender flag on the other.
He feels - right.
He feels okay.
He considered coming without a flag, but this feels fitting.
By the time they reach the venue, his heart is beating out of his chest. There's heavy security, since Pride in Seoul is still a pretty dangerous thing, and it takes them a while to get across, and Jungkook is so nervous.
"Jungkook?"
He turns, alarmed.
It's Hoseok, smiling at him, looking terribly nervous himself. "Great, I thought it was you! I've been waiting for a while."
"Who's this?" Jimin asks immediately, ready to jump in and fight this unfamiliar face.
"This is Hoseok hyung," Jungkook says. Jimin's eyes widen in recognition, and he holds out his hand for a hand shake.
"Alright," Yoongi says, handing out the flags they'd piled up in the back of the car. He looks nervous, but excited - it's the day he's been waiting for all year.
It's the day they've all been waiting for, all year.
And everyone is so beautiful. So amazing. Jungkook can't stop staring at them and for once, he doesn't feel like an outsider. The air is so thick with hope, with a brief moment of freedom, that he doesn't have the time to do anything but take it all in.
He clutches the flag that he'd brought with him - the entire rainbow, large and colourful and free.
His friends are holding banners above their heads, smiles wide and happy. Slogans all around them like we're here and we're queer and pride not prejudice, flags held up high in the air -
Jungkook raises his flag as well.
It's a moment.
Like shouting out to the world, this is who I am.
I don't know who that is.
But I know I belong here.
And no one can take this away from me.
He raises the flag higher, and grins.