Chapter Text
It was nine thirty on a Thursday evening when it happened.
Katsuki was listening for the forth time in a row to his drum solo on full blast in his headphones and miming said drum solo with his hands. Given the volume of music and the fact his eyes had been closed in the darkness, he was thoroughly surprised when a strip of light invaded his peace, forcing his eyes open against his will and hissing like a vampire.
Someone was opening his bedroom door.
His response to this was immediate. He jumped straight up. He couldn't see who had opened his door, but it didn't matter as he quickly flew himself toward the slip of light, eyes wild and hands popping threateningly. "What the fuck do you think you're doing barging into my room!?"
He ripped the door wide open. He was met with a pair of wide green eyes staring at him fearfully, and two pale crooked hands waving at him in an anxious manner. It was Deku, and he looked terrified.
"Kacchan! I'm sorry I did knock but you didn't answer, and I only meant to test the door in case something bad had happened to you, I didn't think it would be open! I'm sorry for disturbing you."
At the sight of the nerd he hesitated at the doorway, and felt his anger calm down a few pegs. Honestly the sight of the other was a surprise, as his rival was never normally bold enough to come to his door, and had never attempted to open it. He had expected shitty hair and dunce face to be the subject of his wrath, and annoyingly the fact it was De-Izuku was a slightly intriguing development calming his anger down somewhat.
He stared him down for a few moments with an icy look. They looked at each other for a few moments. Kasuki angry and Deku looking apologetic and nervous. When he felt that the other had been stared out for an acceptable period of time he huffed, rolled his eyes and walked back into the room. He flicked a lamp on his way back to bed, and deliberately left the door open in silent invitation.
He perched himself on the bed with his legs crossed, and after another few moments whereby Deku was clearly hovering outside awkwardly he huffed again and growled. "Well, come in then! You better make it quick I was just going to sleep."
Izuku gave an 'eep' noise, and quickly scrambled into the room, closing the door behind him.
Once inside Izuku eyed the room awkwardly. He glanced around clearly taking in his surroundings, and wringing his hands in an awkward fashion. It was clear that the other didn't know where to place himself and was unsure how to start whatever he had come to say. "You're room is really nice Kacchan, and so neat and tidy!"
Kasuki rolled his eyes again. "I know it is. Well sit your ass down before it starts looking untidy." He gestured to other end of the bed.
Izuku nodded and rushed to perch himself at the foot of Katsuki's single bed. He was still sitting bolt upright and looking uncomfortable. Katsuki launched a pillow at him, and he took the hint shuffling back, and put the pillow behind himself to get more comfortable. Katsuki would not admit to this, but he felt himself relax somewhat at this small communication. Despite their arguments and issues, he could always rely on the other to get his silent communication unlike anyone else. He didn't have to spell every gesture out, the other just got it. Despite his flaws Izuku was smart and read him like a book.
They where still sat in silence after another minute and Katuki took back his previous kind thought about the other. He huffed, "Well?"
"Well what?"
Katsuki growled."Well, you just barged into my room at 09.30pm. You better hope you have something useful you're going to tell me De-Izuku!"
Izuku flushed and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "Oh yeah. Sorry Kacchan, I do. I am just not too sure how to start is all. You make me feel a little nervous and it throws me off." He laughed awkwardly. "And I told you, Deku is fine. Don't hurt yourself."
Katsuki wanted to yell, however this would reinforce that fear Deku just mentioned. He had made a promise to himself to have more patience with the other, and he wasn't going to over-right the apology he had made when reuniting. He counted down in his head from ten. He took a deep breathe and slowly breathed out to calm his immediate temper. His therapist had mentioned how being honest with emotions can help with anger and he made a feeble attempt at this to try and calm the other.
"I'm sorry about yelling." He stated gruffly, and felt awkward himself. He was looking firmly away from the other as he said this, and felt his skin flush uncomfortably. "I was practising the drums and didn't hear you knock." He left out that he'd felt embarrassed about this interuption, because this was a step too far in terms of honesty.
Out the corner of his eye he could see Izuku gaping at him and looking flushed himself. Clearly shocked at this second apology from the other male in the space of a few days.
Izuku was quick to respond, this time sounding more confident. "Oh I didn't realise! I can't see the drums though? Did you hide them somewhere?" He looked around, and was clearly puzzled.
Katsuki huffed again, and was still avoiding eye contact. He couldn't prevent the sharpness in his voice this time. "I practice in my head, and was miming my moves." He rolled his eyes at having to explain this. "I'd be waking half the dorm if I practised for real."
Despite his harsher tone, Deku still seemed more relaxed. He gave a small laugh. "Of course, sorry Kacchan. Well thank you for apologising, although I don't blame you for being angry. I probably should have come at the weekend or at a better time, but I felt like I needed to come now." He once again rubbed his neck awkwardly. He didn't seem afraid any more now though, so Katsuki took this as a small victory.
"Its fine. What do you want to talk about?"
It was Deku's turn to flush and turn away. "I...I actually had lots I wanted to say but now I'm here I feel like it's gone out of my brain."
Katsuki gave the other time and didn't reply. He was counting mentally to keep himself calm, and he could see the other was nervous. However after what felt like another two minutes of silence Katsuki stood up, getting impatient. "Look Izuku, I'm pretty tired and we can talk another time..."
Izuku jumped up, and grabbed the corner of his tank top seeming anxious again. "NO." He pulled Katsuki back down to the bed. He flushed dropping the material at the icy look off the blonde.
Izuku took a deep breathe and blew out his cheeks. An expression of determination came over his face that Katsuki recognised as his expression when entering a fight.
"Kacchan I wanted to say thank you."
Katsuki blinked, started. Izuku continued, awkwardness suddenly gone and replaced by a determined expression.
"I know you don't like this stuff. I know you don't like to acknowledge emotions or think about anything you see as 'weak', but I need to say thank you."
He was looking directly at Katsuki whilst making this declaration, who had to turn away, suddenly uncomfortable. Damn nerd was so damn earnest.
"If you didn't say those things to me back there I never would have listened. I know we have our issues Kacchan, but you have no idea how much it meant to have you tell me the truth about how you felt and I had to make sure you knew that."
Izuku paused, and his voice became less confident for the next part. Losing volume and sounding smaller. Katsuki could see him looking away himself from their conversation.
"I had lost all hope. I felt like I didn't deserve anyone’s help and felt like I had to do it all alone." His voice cracked, and Katsuki knew that tears were coming."Kacchan, thank you so much for looking out for me. I know the others did too, but I know I wouldn't have listened to them in the same way I could listen to you."
Katsuki felt himself flush and he couldn't help a small slither at pride from this sentence. However something niggled him. "That's bullshit Izuku. Why would you listen to me above the others?"
Izuku gave a sad smile. "Because I know you care the least about me. So if you was offering to help then it means I really needed it."
Katsuki was making a conscious effort to maintain calm and change his ways in communicating with the other, but the anger was back instantly at that sentence. He glared, instantly furious. "What did you just say Deku?"
Izuku blinked at him, and was confused again. "I said that you care the least and..."
Katsuki shuffled toward him and grabbed his arms either side, anger clear. "I heard you. How the hell do you think that Deku?" He growled. "You heard my speech, you know the truth now. How can you still say I don't give a shit?!"
"Kacchan you're hurting me, let go!" The other didn't let go but he did loosen the grip somewhat. He was still up close and glaring. "I know you care somewhat and I appreciated your speech. You shout at me all the time though, and I annoy you. I know I do! I just meant if even someone who I annoy cares then everyone else must care a whole lot is all!"
Kasuki growled again. He let go of the other and stood up. He began pacing around, hands in his hair and looking thoroughly stressed out. Izuku was looking on confused.
After a few moments of pacing Katsuki re-directed his attention to the other male, clearly making his mind up about his next words.
"I shout at everyone!"
"Yeah I know but..."
"I get angry at everyone!"
"I know Kacchan but..."
"You're my best friend!" He burst out in frustration.
Izuku blinked at him. Both boys went silent at the admission. Katsuki had been glaring face on and in a rage when making this confession, however soon switched his gaze elsewhere at the look on the other's face, a flush taking over his face after realising what he had said.
Izuku's face went bright red and his big green eyes filled with tears. He was looking at Kasuki as though he'd saved his first born child.
Katsuki immediately growled and plonked himself back on the bed. His face now bright red. "This is why I never say these things you damn nerd! Why the hell do you have to look at me like that?”
"Kacchan"
His voice sounded breathless and tearful. Katsuki huffed and looked over despite reservations. "What?"
"Can I hug you?"
Katsuki rolled his eyes, face still hot."Fine."
Izuku flung himself at the other with such force he was pushed flat onto the bed and almost hit his head on the wall.
"Nerd! I said you can hug me not knock me out."
Izuku laughed sheepishly. "Sorry Kacchan." He withdrew and was rubbing his neck.
Katsuki rolled his eyes and rearranged his position. His shuffled himself back into the bed and had his legs facing down rather than perching sideways. When the other didn't resume the hug he opened his arms in a silent invitation.
Izuku grinning and flung himself at Katsuki again. This time in a more comfortable position.
They hadn’t done this together since they where about 5 years old, and Katsuki certainly never did such ‘touch-y feely’ crap with any of his other friends, yet he found himself weirdly enjoying the contact. Izuku buried his face into his chest, and without thought he found himself wrapping his arms around the smaller male and pulling the other in deeper.
The other let a few more tears fall, and Katsuki huffed. “Nerd, I just told you something nice for a change. Why are you crying?”
Izuku pulled back, wiping his eyes and looking embarrassed again. “I’m sorry Kacchan. I’m just confused. I didn’t even know you viewed me as a friend, never mind a best friend. I would have thought Kirishimi was your best friend.”
Katsuki suddenly felt a lead weight crash in his stomach. He felt the walls closing up, and he withdrew his arms suddenly self-conscious. Why was he so stupid, the nerd wouldn’t want to be his best friend. What the hell was he thinking saying something like that after all the crap he’d put the other through.
Izuku instantly detected the change in body language. “Woah woah, Kacchan I didn’t mean that in a bad way!” Surprisingly the other man threw himself deeper at him. He wrapped his arms tighter around Katsuki’s middle, clinging on like a monkey.
Katsuki pushed at the other, suddenly feeling trapped by the friendly contact. “Kacchan!” Izuku yelled in frustration, but did pull away. He eyed Katsuki from a distance again, brow furrowed.
“Why do you have to be so difficult!” Izuku huffed in uncharacteristic frustration. He crossed his arms and sat beside him on the bed, clearly in a huff.
Katsuki gaped at the display before matching the anger on reflex. “You’re the one barging into my room in the middle of the night….”
He was cut off immediately. “No.” He stopped talking, mainly through shock. Izuku continued. “No, you aren’t doing this.” He faced Katsuki head on, face of determination. “We finally talk civilly for once, and I say one thing you disagree with, so you clam up! Do you have any idea how difficult that is Kacchan?”
Katsuki remained silent, arms crossed and looking resolutely at the wall. He was listening reluctantly.
“Kacchan I know you find this stuff hard.” Out the corner of his eye he saw Izuku comb a hand through his hair, looking stressed. “I do too, but… You just told me I’m your best friend, and a few weeks ago you apologised to me and saved my life when I thought you hated my guts. I thought you did it because you’re a hero and that’s what hero’s do. Now you say you actually really care about me. I’m just… Confused.”
The more Izuku spoke the bigger the wave of emotions crashed in Katsuki’s chest. He suddenly felt trapped squeezed next to the wall, and shuffled quickly down the bed feeling hot all over. He felt embarrassed by this conversation and when this happened the anger built, as was his natural programming. He shuffled to the edge of the bed and stood up. He pointed a finger to the door. “Get out.”
Izuku looked pained. He was doing his hand waving again. “Kacchan.”
“I said get out Deku!”
“Kacchan please.”
Katsuki gave his most menacing glance. “Deku leave right now, before I hurt you.”
Izuku stood up, and he looked ready to cry again. He walked toward the door, and just when he had his hand on the handle ready to leave his stopped suddenly. Katsuki saw his fist clench around the door and he turned around. He didn’t look at Katsuki again when he spoke the final sentence. “When you’re ready to speak to me Kacchan. You know where I am.”
He marched out the door without looking back.
___________________________
The next two weeks felt like hell for Katsuki. Prior to this conversation, he and Deku had been on good terms with each other and it was only when they weren't again that it was noted how much this had been the case.
There was a gaping silence between the two boys over the coming days. Kasuki felt he was licking his wounds at the perceived rejection, and Isuku felt afraid to make the blonde more angry and wanted to stick with what he’d said about waiting for the other to come to him for a change.
As two of the key members of the class this shift had polluted the atmosphere of the whole class. Katsuki had felt glances thrown between the two of them almost constantly, and he felt ready to claw his way out of his own skin as a result.
They weren’t bosom buddies like Deku was with round face and four eyes, and they weren’t bro’s like he was with Kirishima and Kaminari, but they had been good. They supported each other in getting better, offering banter and competition on a daily basis. Sometimes Deku would talk his ear off during or between classes, and they’d reached the point where Katsuki would not just put up with it, but occasionally offer his own thoughts back.
Since ground beta their relationship had been improving at a calm and steady pace. Slowly at first, but with an added layer of respect and care since Deku had returned, so it seemed strange to see the two clearly giving the other a wide berth.
Fortunately apart from a few probing questions from Shitty Hair and some attempts at breaking the tension with humour from dunce face no one dared to ask Katsuki about the evident tension going on, however he overheard people whispering to Izuku probing him with questions which the nerd laughed off and diverted away from the best he could. For this Katsuki was silently grateful. It was embarrassing enough that he’d opened himself up to Deku that way without it being spread around the rest of the extras in his class.
Despite this conflict being with Deku alone, he had found himself withdrawing from others as well, feeling a strange weight over his shoulders which stopped him having the will to engage with any of his classmates (even more so than usual).
Katsuki was a man of action, not someone who reflected. Unfortunately the comments by Izuku had thrown his own hypocrisy into light, and it wasn’t something he’d been finding easy to come to terms with. Katsuki had always considered himself a straightforward person, someone always honest and direct. To know that Izuku had misinterpreted their relationship to the point of not recognising Katsuki viewed him even as a friend went totally against this philosophy.
The problem was Izuku was completely right.
Despite their relationship improving Katsuki knew that he never treated Izuku with the same (reluctant) patience he had for his other friends. Yes, Katuki was brash in his approach with everyone, but he knew that this would always be worse with the greenette.
Yet at the same time Katsuki cared more for Izuku than his other friends, and this discrepancy he could not explain, even to himself.
He didn’t fully understand himself the way he felt about the other.
Since he could remember Izuku had always got to him more than anyone else ever could. With his persistent kindness, his care and the lack of self protection he had, it pissed him off. Izuku possessed the qualities of a hero even without a quirk, and it made Katsuki feel inferior. He could admit to this now, and knew these feeling were the main reason behind his anger and aggression toward the other for most of their lives. Not to mention the fact Izuku never took care of himself and put himself first.
At the same time though, Izuku would try to support him and understand him in a way no one else was able to. He had always been a steady presence of kindness, offering praise and support no matter how much he pushed him away. He could see the good in others, and for some reason could see the good in Katsuki no matter how awful he had been. On the one hand it pissed him off, but on the other it made him feel capable of being better.
All of his emotions became enhanced when it came to the other. He could become more impatient, more angry and more aggressive in approach when in Izuku’s prescence. At the same time he incited more care, more calm and more happiness then anyone else as well.
Yes, this relationship was not as easy as the one he had with shitty hair, but shitty hair did not develop him and support his growth the same way that Izuku did.
Izuku made him a better person. He made him understand the importance of winning to save.
Explaining this to the other though, when he barely understood it himself felt like a mountainous task. The only way he felt able to articulate this was telling the other that he was his ‘Best Friend’, but somehow he knew this didn’t quite capture it.
Having analysed their relationship Katsuki could now understand why Izuku had felt confused by the conversation and by his actions. From an outside point of view he could see why he struggled to believe Katsuki’s words. He felt a gnawing guilt in his stomach that not only had Izuku not realised how important their relationship was, he hadn’t even thought that Katsuki considered him a friend.
Katsuki was never someone the most articulate with words, and knew that any attempts to express these thoughts verbally would result in embarrassment all around, and likely more arguments.
He had to show him instead.
Rather than giving any more apologies, Katsuki had to find a way to show the other why they where best friends.
There was only one problem with this.
Katsuki had no idea how to make friends.