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Chapter Text

"The furocious huntress stalks silently through the bushes, closely observing her purrey."

In truth, there were no bushes. In fact, the girl muttering the completely fictitious narrative sentence was perched behind an unusually large tea kettle, peering over its lid at a cotton candy imp, who was completely oblivious to her presence.

"Sensing the purrfect time to make her move..." she said, unsheathing her claws.

"She strikes!" With that, the girl dramatically vaulted over the top of the tea kettle, sending the lid flying into a bank of little cubes. The imp turned to face its assailant, but before it could begin to act, the girl had brought down her claws through it, slicing the creature into seven long, flat pieces. They flopped to the ground before disappearing entirely, leaving only a modest amount of grist, which the huntress collected eagerly.

For Nepeta Leijon, the day seemed just like any other in the game. And yet, at the very edges of her perception, she could tell that, ever so subtly, something about it was different.

It was almost like it was... louder.

HEY KID.

She almost ignored the strange bit of speech that just popped into her head. Who could it be? It wasn't any voice she recognized.

THE LITTLE CAT GIRL.

But there it was again. If it wasn't a memory, then was it a... a voice in her head? Was she going crazy? Oh god, she really didn't want to be going crazy.

YER THE ONE WHO CARES ABOUT ROMANCE RIGHT.

No, if it was her own head, she wouldn't be asking herself such silly questions. Of course she liked romance! It was practically her favorite thing in the world!

I SEEN THE SCRIBBLES IN YER CAVE.

So if it wasn't her, it must be someone watching her. She looked up at nothing in particular and pointed to herself.

YEAH YOU. THE LITTLE BROAD WITH THE CAT HORNS POINTIN AT HERSELF.

Okay, it could see her, but could it hear her?

"What do you want?" she asked. At first she felt a little silly talking to nothing in particular, but then she remembered she does that all the time anyway when she's roleplaying. Then that just made her feel a little sillier.

I WANT YOU TA STOP MESSIN AROUND AND KISS THE BOY.

"What boy?"

THE ONE ALL OVER YER WALLS. THE SHOUTY RUNT WITH THE NUBBY HORNS.

A look of desperate terror came over her face. "You know about that?! Listen, you can't tell anyone about it! I mean nopawdy!"

WHOA WHOA TAKE IT EASY KID. I AINT TELLIN ANYBODY ABOUT YER LITTLE CRUSH.

She sighed in relief. The last thing she needed was her OTP getting out. "Thank you," she said.

ONLY OTHER KID I TALKED TO WAS SOME RUNT IN A WHEELCHAIR.

"You mean Tavros?" she asked, then realized what a silly question it was. Of course it was Tavros. And considering the voice hadn't even asked for her name yet, it probably didn't even know who Tavros was.

I TOLD HIM TA KISS THE GIRL BUT HE WOULDNT LISTEN.

"Wait, what? Kiss who? Vwiskers?" Certainly not Vriska... right?

THE WHOLE SPECTACLE WAS EMBARRASIN. I DONT EVEN WANT TA TALK ABOUT IT.

Her shoulders slumped. "Well, then, what do you want?"

I WANT YA TA GO AND KISS THAT BOY.

A streak of olive painted itself across her cheeks. "What? But I can't just kiss him!"

YER IN LOVE WITH THE LITTLE RUNT RIGHT.

"Well, yeah..." she said, her blush intensifying ever so slightly.

THEN WHAT ARE YA WAITIN FOR. JUST GO KISS THE BOY.

"But I can't! You don't understand! If I just kiss him, he'll think I'm weird, and things will get all awkward between us and he'll never speak to me again!" Her face was burning green, and she was suddenly a little upset that she didn't know exactly which way she should be shouting.

WELL THEN YA GOTTA USE YER FEMININE WILES TO SEDUCE HIM.

"Feminine w..." What the hell was it talking about? "What the hell are you talking about?"

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT MAYBE YER NOT QUITE OLD ENOUGH TA GET THAT YET.

The voice was starting to get on her nerves. "Then what should I do?"

ALRIGHT LOOK KID. YER THE HERO A HEART RIGHT.

"Yes!" she proclaimed, striking a heroic pose. "I am the Rogue of Heart! Even though I'm not really sure what that means yet."

THEN JUST DO THE HEARTY THING AND MAKE THE RUNT FALL IN LOVE WITH YA.

"What hearty thing? Could you be a little more descriptive?"

JUST DO THE HEARTY THING.

"Okay..." she said. She then tried to do the hearty thing.

DO THE HEARTY THING.

She is still attempting to do the hearty thing.

DO THE HEARTY THING DO THE HEARTY THING DO THE HEARTY THING DO THE HEARTY THING.

She is having trouble bringing herself to do the hearty thing.

YOU DO THE HEARTY THING THIS INSTANT.

She cannot do it. She cannot do the hearty thing.

WHAT THE HELLS THE MATTER WITH YOU YA LITTLE RUNT.

"I don't know how to do the hearty thing, okay?! I don't even know what the hearty thing is!"

WELL THEN FIGURE IT OUT.

"Well, how?!"

JUST FIND ONE A THE LITTLE SALAMANDERS OR WHATEVER WEIRD LITTLE CREATURES YA GOT WANDERIN AROUND YER PLANET AND TALK TO EM.

"Do I have to? That sounds silly." 

YOU WANNA KISS THE BOY RIGHT.

"Well... yeah."

THEN FIGURE OUT HOW TA DO THE HEARTY THING.

"Okay, fine!" She began to march off, but she stopped and turned around. "But just fur the record, I think you could affurd to be a little more pawlite!"

***

"The brave Rogue... ventures deeper into the Denizen's lair... and even though it's dark and spooky and creepy... she isn't scared!"

Nepeta Leijon was scared out of her goddamned mind.

She had been doing her quests, and the voice seemed to be pleased, although it was constantly urging her to just use her heart powers and kiss the boy. But she insisted that it wasn't time yet, and that she had to master her heart powers if she wanted to guarantee her success. That always seemed to quell its... enthusiasm for romance, at least temporarily.

But now she had almost mastered her powers, and all of her quests were complete but one: confronting the Denizen. The consorts, whatever they were (axolotls, she almost remembered?), assured her that she was ready to challenge the beast. And although she had ascended to the top of the echeladder, and bought all the most powerful fraymotifs boondollars could buy, and even spent an enormous amount of grist combining items with her claws until they were so sharp and so deadly that the air itself seemed to cut itself upon them, standing in this tunnel, peering into the darkness beyond, she didn't feel ready at all.

But she pressed on anyway, if not for her own sake, then for his.

As she pushed herself further through the brown passageways--this deep below the surface, the sugary cubes had been crushed into a dark and bitter molasses--she expected to encounter monsters, or puzzles, but she found neither. Even after she was certain the journey itself was harmless, she still carried herself with trepidation, knowing that the true threat waited at the end.

After what seemed like days, the path began to straighten and widen, and, forcing herself to continue, Nepeta found herself in a massive spherical chamber. The enormous structure certainly wasn't natural, but its inner surface was warped with the tensions of eons, and massive caramel stalactites loomed from above, some even having grown into the floor itself to form great columns around the center of the chamber. She would have guessed the place was hundreds of thousands of years old if she hadn't known it was created a little over a week ago.

A massive shadow loomed at the bottom of the chamber, slowly rising and falling with the motion of breathing. A low rumble echoed periodically throughout the room, reverberating off the walls until it seemed to come from every direction at once. It was her Denizen, and it was asleep.

She stepped forward nervously, fruitlessly hoping to get a better look at the creature. "Hello? Are you there?" she asked quietly. "Are you awake?" The Denizen continued to sleep.

Well, if she was asleep, then Nepeta would just have to wake her up. "Psyche!" she shouted. "Wake up!" The sound suddenly halted, and she saw the shadow in the middle of the chamber slowly rise.

Suddenly, the walls of the chamber began to glow, flooding the entire room with a pink-white light. And there, in the center of the chamber, towered an enormous figure, shaped like a troll, but without horns or hair or even arms. Her entire figure was smooth and white, as if she were carved from marble, except for her eyes, which burned internally with an intense pink fire. But her most notable feature was the two massive insectoid wings that sprouted from her back. They as well were pink, the same fuschia as emanated from her eyes and from the chamber's edge, but were inlaid with patterns in a thousand other colors, golds and greens and blues and every color from the hemospectrum and beyond. They drew hearts--an utterly massive, uncountable number of hearts--of all sizes and colors, connected by an inscrutable maze of lines.

It was Psyche, the Denizen of Heart, and Nepeta had just stepped into her demesne.

Every bone in her body screamed out for her to run, to escape, to leave this place while she still had her life and never return, but she made herself stay. Her stomach churned, her blood boiled, and all her muscles went numb but the ones in her legs, but she forced herself to stay. Every single piece of her gnashed and wailed and bellowed at her to leave, for his sake.

Every piece but one: her heart. And her heart told her that for his sake, she had to stay.

So she stood her ground. She remembered the advice of the consorts, that she would have to issue a challenge. Conjuring all her strength, she raised an arm to point her claws at the Denizen, and cried with all the fake bravado she could muster, "Psyche! I, Nepeta Leijon, Rogue of Heart, have come to challenge you for dominion over this planet, the Land of Little Cubes and Tea!"

Acknowledging her command, Psyche leaned forward and lowered her gaze to meet the little troll's. Looking directly into her face, she was beautiful, almost, in a terrifying sort of way. Although she had followed her consorts' advice, she still feared she may have done something wrong, and that any moment Psyche would flare her nostrils and incinerate her in a gout of pink flames, or maybe flick her eyelids and rip her soul into a million pieces. But instead, she opened her mouth, and spoke.

"Very well, Rogue. I accept your challenge." Her voice was filled with unimaginable power, but it didn't boom, didn't thunder, didn't cause the ground to shake, but instead seemed to quake inside her, sending convulsions throughout her every bone, every nerve, every vein. "What are your terms?"

Her terms? She was shocked that Psyche was acknowledging her almost as an equal, but she rationalized that perhaps, after all of her questing and developing her powers, she had begun to rival even the Denizen in power. Nonetheless, she didn't allow herself to lower her guard.

"We will have a contest of strength. A strife!" she began, figuring that a boss fight was what the designers of this game had in mind. "If I win, you will release your grip of tyranny on the people of this land, and you will grant me mastery of my pawers as a Hero of Heart! And if I lose..." she hesitated. She wasn't sure what would happen if she lost. "If I lose, you may do with me what you will!"

Psyche raised her head, but did not avert her gaze from the Rogue, as if taking her challenge with contempt. "A contest of violence. How typical for your species." Her wings moved behind her, and Nepeta saw some of the hearts and lines begin to glow, all in the colors of the hemospectrum, and she could almost see a story form within them, a story of thousands of years of death and bloodshed and conquest. "I will accept these terms, but if you would listen, I would offer an alternative."

Another set of terms? Did the Denizen not want to fight her? In truth, even though it looked as if she might be bargaining from a position of strength, Nepeta did not truly want to fight the Denizen. "Furry well, I'll hear them," she said, lowering her claws.

"Interesting. Perhaps you are different from the rest," Psyche said, once again lowering her gaze to meet the troll's head on, and the faintest of smiles appeared on her marble lips. "My terms are as follows. Instead of any sort of physical conflict, I will ask only that you make The Choice. Depending on The Choice you make, I shall give you a Task. Complete this Task, and I will accede to your demands."

An unusual request, but Nepeta supposes it can't be harder than fighting her. "What is The Choice?"

"I cannot tell you until you have accepted my terms."

"Okay, fine. And if I succeed in this Task, you'll give me efurrything I asked fur?"

"Once you have made The Choice and accepted The Task, I will release my hold on the consorts of this world. And once you have completed The Task, I will grant you mastery of the powers of Heart." Psyche once again leaned back and raised her head slightly, and her mouth curled into what almost appeared to be a smirk. "In addition, once you have finished, I can guarantee you the thing you truly came here for, though you did not ask for it."

Nepeta gasped as slightly as she could manage. "You mean..."

"Yes. The heart of the boy."

Inside her head, she squealed and shouted for joy, but then she stopped to consider what Psyche had said. "I want his heart, yes... but I don't want it taken furom him by furce!"

Psyche chuckled, sending a shiver through her entire body. "I did not say I would give it to you. I said only that I can ensure that you would have it."

Nepeta furrowed her brow. How could Psyche guarantee he would love her without some sort of potion or magical spell? Nonetheless, she seemed confident in what she said. "Okay. And what catpuns if I fail this Task?"

 "Then you and your entire timeline shall be doomed."

"What?! No! Furget that! That's too much!"

"Allow me to clarify," Psyche said, and her smile vanished. "In truth, your timeline is already doomed. I cannot specify where or when it happened, but at some point in time, it strayed too far, and the events meant to guarantee its existence never took place."

"W...what? So this entire timeline is doomed? What does that mean?"

"It means this iteration of this universe has failed to guarantee its own creation. As such, its existence is a paradox. And in time, it will be dealt with in the same way that all paradoxes are dealt with: it will slowly be destroyed, inch by inch, and every piece will be cast into the Furthest Ring."

An insurmountable sense of dread came over Nepeta. "Well, then... what can we do? How are we suppawsed to stop this timeline from not existing?"

"There are ways of temporarily and even permanently protecting a doomed timeline from the mechanisms that dispose of them. Should you accept the Task, I will protect your universe for its duration. And should you succeed, I can ensure its permanent existence, as a branch of sorts."

Hearing those words, Nepeta's decision was already made. "If that's the case, then I have no choice but to accept!"

Psyche leaned back once more, her back standing straight up, and a smile once again returned to her face. "Very well. I will now give you The Choice." With that, all the light in the chamber seemed to redirect and point itself directly at Nepeta, casting faint shadows in every direction around her.

"As a Hero of Heart, you are blessed with power over the hearts and souls of other living beings. With your powers, you may read the hearts of others, ease them when they are troubled and mend them when they are broken. You may even stir emotions in them directly, be them joy, or sadness, or hatred, or even love. You could, with practice, control one's every feeling, dictating their every emotion as a conductor directs an orchestra."

The smile on Psyche's face becomes a frown, and Nepeta thinks she can almost see sadness in the fires of her eyes. "Right now, you twelve, you and all your friends, are suffering. You are all coming of age, coming to realize how much you rely on each other, how much you need each other, and how much you love and how much you hate each other. Each of you has suffered all the pains of love, those of the love rejected, the love false, the love inadequate, and perhaps most painful of all, the love unrequited." True enough, she thought, and her gaze fell to the ground.

Psyche continued. "As a Hero of Heart, you can bring peace to the hearts of you and your friends, but how you do so is only for you to decide. So The Choice is this: with your powers of Heart, will you bring your friends peace swiftly and directly, shaping their emotions as you see fit? Or will you use your powers only to guide them, and wait for them to find peace of their own free will?"

Nepeta considered her quandary carefully. "So I can use my pawers just to help my furiends, or I can use them to just plain make them happy? Like mind control?"

"Not mind control, exactly. You would control their emotional states, making them feel love or indifference where none existed before. Their reactions would be entirely their own."

Psyche's answer wasn't entirely convincing. "How is that not mind control?"

"If you see no difference, then I cannot tell you otherwise."

"Well, I don't want to just furce my furiends to fall in love with each other against their will! Howefur you dress it up, it doesn't sound right!"

"So you have made your decision?"

She hesitated. She really didn't want to manipulate her friends into loving each other, but at the same time, there was one stupid, selfish little thing she had to wonder about.

"Before I answer, can I ask... does he love me?"

Psyche's features softened, and the sadness Nepeta swore she saw in her eyes returned. "No," she said, and Nepeta's heart sank. "But he may, in time. And whatever decision you make, should you complete your Task, I can assure you he will reciprocate your affections."

The answer was heartening, but vague, so she extended the question. "What do you mean, you can assure me?"

"It is not a vow to act, nor a prophecy of things to come. It is merely a promise. A highly educated guess, if you will, that after your Task is complete, his feelings for you will be the same as yours for him."

"Well... I guess that'll have to be good enough."

"So you have made your decision?" she repeated, the intonation identical to the first.

"Yes I have," Nepeta said, her voice unwavering. "I'll only use my pawers to guide my furiends and help them, and nefur to manipulate them!" The amount of certainty with which she said it almost frightened her.

"Very well," Psyche said, and leaned back to her full height once more. She closed her eyes, as if processing her decision. For a brief, lingering moment, Nepeta thought she may have made the wrong decision. Then Psyche's eyes opened once more, and she returned her gaze to the troll. "You have chosen wisely. I will now give you The Task." Nepeta was relieved but still nervous, wondering what labor her Denizen had in store for her.

"Your task is this. In your society, romance is divided into four quadrants. I am only interested in two in particular: those you call matespritship and moirallegiance." All the hearts faded from her wings but twelve, all in very familiar colors, and a dizzying lattice of red and white lines connected them. "For you and each of your friends, you must find both a matesprit and a moirail. Once you have found a suitable match for each, The Task will be complete."

Nepeta blinked, then suddenly realized what Psyche was asking her to do. "So... you want me to ship them?"

Psyche's face was emotionless, but nonetheless she was visibly confused. "I do not understand your question."

"I mean... you want me to put them all in relationships."

"If that is what you mean by 'shipping,' then yes."

She almost couldn't believe it. "But I've already been doing that anyway!"

"You have been speculating possible relationships between your friends, but you have done nothing to make them reality," Psyche said, her brow furrowed, and Nepeta suddenly felt she might not have been taking this seriously enough. "With the powers you have gained on your quests, there is nothing stopping you from doing so, save only the restrictions you have placed on yourself by The Choice you have made."

"Hey, yeah! With my Heart pawers, I'll be able to help efurryone with their relationships! That's great!" Even though she knew it wouldn't be easy, Nepeta was genuinely excited that she'd actually be able to make her ships really happen.

"There are a few more conditions," Psyche said. "Firstly, you must abide by the restrictions of The Choice you have made. Second, you must not tell any of your friends the terms of this Task." She leaned forward once more, staring into Nepeta's eyes intently. "And lastly... the boy you love... you must save your relationship with him for last. And you must not tell him or anyone else your true feelings for him until it is time."

Nepeta hesitated once more. She couldn't tell him until she'd dealt with everyone else? But maybe that was what it took for him to love her. And maybe if she told him why she was doing this, he would be horrified that it was all for such a silly reason.

Her decision was made. "I accept."

"Very well. I wish you the best of luck on your endeavor," Psyche said, standing straight once more. "Now if you wish, I may transport you back to the entrance to my lair. I understand it is a long and arduous trek to reach this place from the surface."

"Wait, befur you do that," Nepeta started, and she swore she saw Psyche cock her head the slightest bit, "can I just ask you a question?"

"I suppose. What is it?"

"Why are you doing this?"

Psyche's features softened once more, and Nepeta saw the fire in her eyes dim to a glow. "I have seen what fate has in store for you and your friends, what happens in the proper timeline. It is... cruel." She cast her gaze downward for a moment, then returned it to meet the troll's, a faint smile once again gracing her face. "I suppose I just wanted to see a timeline in which you are all happy, because I believe that you all deserve as much."

"Oh," Nepeta said, and returned Psyche's smile with a beaming grin of her own. "Well, thank you!" Any trace of fear she felt for the Denizen was gone, replaced with respect.

"The pleasure is mine, truly," Psyche said, her smile growing larger. "Now I think you should run along. You have a Task to complete."

"Of course!" Nepeta said, and turned to leave, but then suddenly remembered the Denizen's previous offer. "Er, well, if you could just take me to the surface..."

No longer worried about maintaining her imposing image, Psyche chuckled. "Of course, my dear. Once again, I wish you the best of luck."

"Thank you! I won't let you down, I swear!" Nepeta said, locking her legs together and giving the Denizen a salute. "Oh, and, uh, goodbye, Psyche! It was really nice meeting you!"

"And you as well, Nepeta. Goodbye."

The pink light of the chamber pooled and intensified around Nepeta, and brightened until all she could see was light. Then, as suddenly as it began, the light faded, and she found herself standing once again at the entrance to the Denizen's lair.

***

In the axolotl village, the consorts were celebrating Nepeta's triumph over the Denizen. Once again the tea flowed freely from the Nine Great Kettles, and the axolotls could thrive as they had once before (even though she knew the kettles had been stopped up since the planet existed). "The Rogue has won! Our Hearts are mended!" the eager throng of amphibians cried as they showered her with praise and sugary confetti. She considered telling them that Psyche hadn't truly been defeated, and that her Task was not yet complete, but she decided against it. May as well let the axolotls have their fun.

Before her thoughts could turn to other matters, a loud voice turned her thoughts to it for her.

HEY KID.

"Yes?" she asked, figuring the crowd of consorts couldn't hear her over their celebration.

CAN YOU DO THE HEARTY THING YET.

"I sure can!"

WELL DO THE HEARTY THING.

"Why, whatefur do you mean?"

I MEAN MAKE THE SHOUTY RUNT WANNA KISS YA.

"Well, I'm going to make him want to kiss me, but I'm not gonna use my heart pawers to do it!"

WELL THEN WHAT ARE YA GONNA DO.

"I'm gonna use my feminine wiles to seduce him, of course!"

HAHA YEAH NOW YER GETTIN IT KID.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some shipping to do!"

GO GET EM KID.

Nepeta indulged the axolotls in one last round of heroic theatrics, then left them to their business. Her Task clear in her mind, she took off for the gate back to her hive.

She had an important job to do.

Chapter Text

Chapter 2

The Face That Launched a Thousand Ships

CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board :33 < THE SHIPPING WALL.

CAC: :33 < *the rogue of heart flutters to the ground on her beautiful olive wings, throwing purretty gr33n sparkles efurry which way*
CAC: :33 < hi efurryone! *she retracts her wings back into her adorable pink coat*
CAC: :33 < now you all know how much i love shipping, but until now its just b33n a hobby
CAC: :33 < but now that were the only twelve trolls left in the WHOLE MEWNIVERSE, shipping has become more impurrtant than efur!
CAC: :33 < and its supurr impurrtant that efurrypawdy gets along so that our numbers dont dwindle any further!
CAC: :33 < so now im ameowncing my intention to ship ALL THE TROLLS
CAC: :33 < all of them!
CAC: :33 < efurryone will have matespurrits and meowrails and well all get along and be the best team efur!
CAC: :33 < so if anypawdy n33ds any red relationship advice, f33l fr33 to talk to me!
CAC: :33 < ill be happy to put my shipping expurrtise to good use!
PAST arachnidsGrip [PAG] 2:08 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PAG: Aaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha.
PAG: Seriously, Leijon? You just couldn't keep your stupid little matchm8ker game to yourself?
PAG: What, did you run out of room to draw in your cave?
PAG: Or do you seriously think that doodling stick figures all over the walls like a gru8 with a dented think pan suddenly m8kes you an expert on rel8ionships????????
CAC: XOO < rraawwwwrrr shut up vwiskers, this is serious!!!
CAC: :33 < ive b33n doing my quests and i know more about heart than youll efur know about light, even after you cheated your way to the top!
PAG: Of course you do, sweetie. Of cooooooourse you do.
PAG: 8ut do you honestly think any8ody's gonna w8ste their time talking to you about their rel8ionship pro8lems when we've got g8es to clear and denizens to kill????????
PAG: Hahahahahahahaha, oh man, our gloooooooorious leader's pro8a8ly gonna flip his shit when he catches wind of this!
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCG: YOU KNOW, NORMALLY THAT WOULD BE A COMPLETELY ACCURATE ASSESSMENT OF MY REACTION TO THIS.
CCG: MY SHIT WOULD DEFINITELY BE SIMULTANEOUSLY RISING AND ROTATING IN AN EXTREMELY AGITATED MANNER.
CCG: EXCEPT THAT FOR THE PAST WEEK, YOU ASSHOLES HAVE BEEN COMPLETELY FUCKING NEGLECTING YOUR IN-GAME DUTIES SO THAT YOU COULD WASTE MY TIME TALKING ABOUT YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS
CCG: SO I'M KIND OF FUCKING RESERVING JUDGMENT FOR NOW.
PAG: Wh8t????????
PAG: So my plan for every8ody to god tier is a no-go, 8ut Spastic Cave Girl's 8ig Shipping Adventure gets an instant thumbs-up?!
CCG: WELL SORRY IF MURDEROUS PSYCHOTIC SPIDERTROLL'S FANTASTIC FUCKING SUICIDE PACT DIDN'T FLY RIGHT TO THE TOP OF MY TO-DO LIST!
CCG: IT'S ON THERE, THOUGH, RIGHT UNDER PEELING MY SHAME GLOBES OFF WITH A MAGNESIUM COAGULATE SHREDDER.
PAG: Oh gr8, thanks for that lovely mental image, Karkat!!!!!!!!
PAG: God, am I the only one who actually gives a shit a8out winning this stupid game????????
CCG: NO, WE ARE THE ONLY ONES WHO ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT WINNING THIS STUPID GAME.
CCG: BUT AS LONG AS THE REST OF THESE ASSHOLES KEEP PESTERING ME ABOUT THEIR STUPID PERSONAL DRAMA, I'M GOING TO BE ACCOMPLISHING EXACTLY FUCK ALL.
CCG: SO IF DELEGATING RELATIONSHIP BULLSHIT DUTY TO FUCKING NEPETA OF ALL PEOPLE IS THE ONLY WAY TO SPARE US ALL THE INDIGNITY OF OWING OUR COLLECTIVE ASSES TO A DERANGED FAIRY LUNATIC WITH AN ORANGE HOODIE AND DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR, THEN THAT'S JUST A RISK I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE.
CCG: EVEN IF IT ENDS UP BEING A FUCKING HORRIBLE IDEA.
CAC: :33 < itll be amazing, youll s33!
CAC: :33 < already the relationship charts and compawtibility grids are unfolding in my mind!
CAC: :33 < i have so many ships in the fire, you dont even know!
CAC: :33 < or in the water, i guess
CCG: OH MY GOD THIS IS GOING TO BE A TRAINWRECK.
FUTURE cuttlefishCuller [FCC] 6:12 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCC: Well, I )(appen to t)(ink it's a GR---EAT ID---EA!
PAG: Well, I happen to not give a shit what you think, Peixes!!!!!!!!
FCC: VRISKA, S)(UT T)(-E GLUB UP!!!! >38O
FCC: ANYWAY! Since we're all one big team now, we all need to work toget)(er!
FCC: And w)(at betta way to make us do t)(at t)(an to ensnare us all in an elaborately woven net of relations)(ips?
FCC: We'll be an unbreakable battle fleet, twelve mig)(ty s)(ips strong, unified in a single goal, cras)(ing t)(roug)( t)(e end game in an unstoppable wave of destruction!
FCC: Wit)( t)(e occasional stop for fist bunps and sloppy makeouts, of course.
CCG: HUH, I ACTUALLY DIDN'T OF IT THAT WAY.
CCG: EXPLOITING OUR SPECIES' NATURAL TENDENCY FOR OBSESSING OVER RELATIONSHIP BULLSHIT TO FORCE US TO WORK AS A COHESIVE UNIT INSTEAD OF A BUNCH OF PAIL-CHASING WIGGLERS.
CCG: IF IT WORKS, IT'S MORE THAN A LITTLE BRILLIANT.
CCG: IT'S ALMOST... DEVIOUS, ACTUALLY.
FCC: Y-EA)( it is! 38D
CAC: :33 < guys, i just want efurrypawdy to be happy and work together!
CAC: :33 < this isnt some big scheme to make you all dance at my clawtips like adorable shadow pawppets!
FCC: S)(OR-E it isn't, Nepeta!
FCC: *GLUBS SUSPICIOUSLY...*
FUTURE twinArmageddons [FTA] 2:22 HOURS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTA: ii hate two admiit iit, but vk iis probably riight.
FTA: thii2 ii2 the 2hiitiie2t iidea ii've ever heard.
PAG: And just how much do you h8 to admit it, Sooooooolluuuuuuuux?
FTA: ii hate it 2o fuckiing much that ii
FTA: oh waiit, ii don't giive a 2hiit enough about you two tell you how much.
PAG: 8ah, fuck you too!!!!!!!!
FTA: whatever.
FCC: Sollux, w)(y do YOU )(ave suc)( a problem wit)( t)(is?? It's just a little )(armless s)(ipping!
FTA: the problem ii2 ii'm fiine the way my 2hiips are riight now.
FTA: and ii don't want 2ome crazy roleplayiing broad wreckiing my liife iin the name of her weiird real liife fanfiiction 2hiit.
CAC: :33 < im taking purrent ships into consideration!
CAC: :33 < and im not gonna go around forcefurry sinking them with my heart pawers like some kind of sepurration ninja vice grip pinching your hate stem!
CAC: :33 < if i really want to sink your ship, ill just start with some purrobing questions, and only resort to romantic comedy-esque shenanigans if things become despurrate
CAC: :33 < and furankly, if your relationship cant stand up to a few simple questions, maybe it just wasnt meant to be in the furst place!
PAST caligulasAquarium [PCA] 3 DAYS AGO responded to memo.
PCA: yeah wwhats the fuckin problem sol
PCA: you scared your little liaison wwith my ex moirail is gonna collapse like the house a fuckin bullshit cards it is
FTA: haha wow, ed'2 accu2iing ME of beiing iin2ecure.
FTA: 2eriiou2ly, iit'2 liike you pulled thii2 argument 2traiight from the defiiniitiion of hypocrii2y.
FTA: ju2t fliipped through the diictiionary untiil you found a piicture of your2elf, de2perately clutchiing a paiir of goggle2.
FCC: O)( for cod's sake, you two, don't start t)(is again!
PCA: pipe dowwn fef this practically doesnt evven concern you at this point
FCC: )(A)(A)(A WOW, ---ERIDAN, YOU'R---E SO GLUBBING FUNNY!!!!
FCC: Well fluke t)(is, I'm outta )(ere!
FCC: And for t)(e record, it's still a fantastic idea!!!
FCC: GLUB GLUB GLUB! >38U
FCC ceased responding to memo.
FTA: wow, way two go, ed. really worked the charm on that one.
PCA: shut your fuckin mouth mustardblood this wwouldnt evven be an issue if you hadnt poisoned her against me wwith your bullshit dyin and revvivvin gambit
FTA: oh yeah, ii DELIIBERATELY got my2elf kiilled by beiing 2tuck on alterniia whiile a dyiing horrorterror melted my fuckiing braiin.
FTA: whatever, ii 2aiid my piiece, ii'm not goiing two 2tiick around to argue wiith a delu2iional hiip2ter 2ea douche.
FTA ceased responding to memo.
PAG: Hahahahahahahaha, wow.
PAG: That has to 8e the most pathetic display of romantic incompetence I've ever seen.
PCA: oh PLEASE vvris like youre any fuckin better
PCA: i see the wway youre blackflirtin wwith sol and i dont knoww if youre actually wwaxin for him or if youre just tryin to make me jealous but either wway its flippin LAUGHABLE
PAG: Oh my God, Ampora, you're so full of shit that any moment now, you're going to go off like a time 8om8 and paint your whole shitty planet purple.
CCG: OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
CCG: LOOK, WHATEVER GODAWFUL QUADRANT THIS IS, COULD YOU TWO ASSHOLES WORK IT OUT SOMEWHERE ELSE?
PCA: look kar i really need to talk to you
PCA: im just sittin on my lousy fuckin planet killin angels and drinkin faygo and i got fuckin nobody to talk to about all this searious shit thats happenin to me cmon
CCG: OKAY SHITSTAIN, YOU WANT ME TO TALK TO YOU?
CCG: FINE, HERE ARE SOME GENUINE, HONEST-TO-FUCKING-HATE WORDS STRAIGHT FROM MY LIPS TO YOUR STUPID SEA-DWELLER HEADFINS:
CCG: STOP KILLING YOUR FUCKING CONSORTS, STOP WASTING OUR GRIST UNLESS YOU'RE GOING TO KILL SOMETHING THAT ACTUALLY FUCKING DROPS IT,
CCG: AND FOR GOD'S SAKE, STOP DRINKING THAT CLOWN PISS YOU CALL FAYGO, YOU MISERABLE PILE OF FUCK.
PCA: okay seariously
PCA: wwhys evverybody alwways talkin shit on faygo
PCA: its just soda
PCA: ivve been messin wwith the alchemiter and some a these flavvors are pretty fuckin good
CCG: NO NO NO I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS SHIT AGAIN.
CCG: IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE, ASSHOLE, THIS IS THE FUTURE.
CCG: AND I'VE BEEN TALKING TO YOU ABOUT YOUR STUPID FUCKING PROBLEMS AND DESPERATELY TRYING TO GET YOU TO STOP DRINKING THAT GODAWFUL SLUDGE FOR THE PAST THREE DAYS.
CCG: HEY, HERE'S A FANTASTIC FUCKING IDEA! WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO NEPETA?
CCG: I'M SURE SHE'S ECSTATIC AT THE THOUGHT OF LISTENING TO YOUR PATHETIC WHINING.
CAC: :33 < er...
CAC: :33 < i mean, i will if i have to!
PCA: ugh
PCA: i was hopin to avvoid returnin to the scene a that particular crime against the quadrants for the rest a my days
PAG: W8, what?
PAG: Oh my God, Eridan, did you seriously try to hook up with Nepeta????????
PAG: Aaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
PCA: look it made sense at the time ok
CAC: :33 < okay lets talk about something else now!
CAC: :33 < anything else
PCA: cmon nep you didnt evven givve me a fuckin chance
CAC: XOO < WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS!!!
PCA: yknoww youd think after savvin a girls life and bringin her lusus back from the fuckin dead shed be a little fuckin GRATEFUL
CAC: XOO < NO NO NO NO NO
CAC banned PCA from responding to memo.
CCG: NEPETA, I AM SO SORRY, I HAD NO IDEA.
CCG: I THOUGHT HITTING ON A BRAIN-DAMAGED CAT GIRL WAS BENEATH EVEN HIM, BUT I GUESS HE JUST TOOK A FLYING LEAP UP THE DOUCHELADDER EVER SINCE FEFERI DROPPED HIM LIKE A SACK OF SHITTY HIPSTER POTATOES.
CAC: XOO < THIS IS STILL A THING WE ARE NOT TALKING ABOUT!!!
PAG: Hahahahahahahaha, if you actually want to get that guy's rel8ionship 8ullshit under control, you're gonna need all the luck in the world.
PAG: Too 8ad it's all mine!!!!!!!! >::::D
CAC: :33 < yeah, i think ill deal with him later
CAC: :33 < like
CAC: :33 < furever later
PAG: Some people just can't 8e helped.
PAG: And some people are just so awesome, they don't NEED any help!
CCG: LIKE NOT YOU.
PAG: Like m--oh fuck you Karkat!!!!!!!!
CCG: SO I TAKE IT YOU'RE THE FORMER, THEN.
PAG: Look, unlike the rest of you gru8s, I can sort out my own rel8ionship affairs without the help of some pathetic kittycat roleplayer girl!
CAC: :33 < really? so youve already got efurrything figured out?
PAG: Yep, I've got a 8ig secret plan and everything!
PAG: And once it all unfolds, everything will fall into place and I'll fill all the quadrants!
PAG: All of them!!!!!!!!
CAC: :33 < ok, so whats this big secret plan of yours?
PAG: Well, if I TOLD you, it wouldn't be very secret, would it????????
CAC: :33 < well, could you spare a few details in purrivate?
CAC: :33 < maybe we could work on it together!!
PAG: No, I can't divulge a single 8it, 8ecause if I do, you'll pro8a8ly just screw it up!!!!!!!!
CCG: HEY NEPETA, I'LL GIVE YOU A LITTLE HINT.
CCG: THE SECRET PLAN IS SHE HAS NO SECRET PLAN, BECAUSE SHE'S SECRETLY COMPLETELY FULL OF SHIT.
PAG: Shut the fuck up, Karkat!!!!!!!!
CCG: WHY, WHAT'S YOUR ACTUAL PLAN, TO SWEEP EVERYONE OFF THEIR FEET WITH YOUR WINNING PERSONALITY?
CCG: IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE, VRISKA, EVERYONE KIND OF FUCKING HATES YOU. AND NOT EVEN IN A CALIGINOUS WAY.
CCG: MOST OF US EITHER WANT TO MURDER YOU OR JUST KIND OF FIND YOU ANNOYING.
PAG: What the fuck do you know???????? There are people who like me!!!!!!!!
CCG: NAME FUCKING ONE.
PAG: Kanaya likes me!
CCG: SHE'S YOUR MOIRAIL, SHE'S OBLIGATED TO LIKE YOU.
CCG: AND FRANKLY I DON'T EVEN THINK SHE WANTS TO BE YOUR MOIRAIL ANYMORE, SO SHOWS YOU HOW MUCH THAT'S WORTH.
PAG: What? 8ullshit!!!!!!!!
PAG: Anyway, Tavros likes me! I know he does!
CCG: YOU THREW HIM OFF A GODDAMNED CLIFF, YOU FUCKING IDIOT, WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE LIKE YOU.
PAG: Oh come oooooooon, I m8de it up to him!
CCG: NEWS FLASH, VRISKA: GIVING SOMEBODY WHOSE LEGS YOU BROKE A WHEELCHAIR DOESN'T COUNT AS "MAKING IT UP" TO THEM.
CCG: EVEN IF IT IS A REALLY BADASS WHEELCHAIR.
PAG: What the fuck ever! He totally loved it, and now we're adventuring together and 8eing awesome, so you can just deal with it!!!!!!!!
CCG: HOLY SHIT, VRISKA, YOU ARE COMPLETELY DELUSIONAL.
CCG: HE DOESN'T LIKE YOU LIKE THAT. AT ALL.
CCG: NOT EVEN A LITTLE.
CCG: OR ARE YOU FORGETTING THAT HE TOLD ME ABOUT THE PUPA PAN INCIDENT?
CAC: :33 < the what?
PAG: K8rk8t, if y8u s8y an8ther w8rd, y8u'r8 g8ing to f8nd y8urs8lf sl8tting y8ur thr8at with y8ur 8wn s8ckl8!!!!!!!!
CCG: AHAHAHA, OKAY FINE.
CCG: I'LL JUST SAY THIS: IT'S AS EXACTLY AS PATHETIC AS IT SOUNDS.
PAG: F8ck y8u!!!!!!!!
CCG: OKAY, SO ANYBODY ELSE? OR IS IT JUST THOSE TWO?
PAG: Karkat, I'm not gonna sit here and name aaaaaaaall the people who like me just for your amusement!!!!!!!!
CCG: SO THAT'S A NO.
CAC: :33 < i like you, vwiskers!
CCG: WHAT, WHY THE FUCK DO YOU LIKE HER.
CAC: :33 < beclaws even though she acts mean and nasty all the time, i know d33p down shes really a good purrson!
CCG: NO SHE FUCKING ISN'T, SHE'S A HORRIBLE PERSON.
CCG: SHE'S A MASS MURDERING BITCH WHO FEEDS PEOPLE TO SPIDERS AND MAIMS HER OWN FRIENDS FOR HER AMUSEMENT.
PAG: Yeah, all those things Karkat just said are true, and I don't even care, 8ecause they're all reasons why I'm completely awesome!
CAC: :33 < well if youre such a bad purrson, then why did you help tavros?
CAC: :33 < and why did equius tell me you were planning to steal aradias robot body and give it to her yourself?
CAC: :33 < why would you do ANY of that unless you felt bad fur what you did to them??
PAG: I have my reasons and they're my own, okay?! So just can it!
CAC: :33 < vwiskers, i just want to help!
PAG: What are you gonna do, w8ve your magic fairy shipping wand and hope some8ody falls in love with me?
CAC: :33 < no!! theres no magic involved whatsoefur!
CAC: :33 < im just going to use my shipping pawers to s33 people youd be compawtible with that you might not even have thought of
CAC: :33 < then ill use my status as a neutral purrty to subtly push and prod you towards each other!
CCG: AND, FAILING THAT, SHE WILL APPARENTLY RESORT TO ROMANTIC COMEDY-ESQUE SHENANIGANS.
CAC: :33 < yes, thank you karkitty!
CCG: SO PLEASE FAIL THAT, BECAUSE THAT SOUNDS FUCKING AMAZING IN THE WORST POSSIBLE WAY.
PAG: It sounds fucking stupid is what it sounds like!!!!!!!!
CAC: :33 < itll be pawesome, youll s33!
CAC: :33 < ill pair all you trolls together so hard, you wont even know what hit you!
CAC: :33 < and then, after its all said and done and youre rolling in a big pile of all the red f33lings you could ever want, youre gonna look back and think, "man, how stupid i was to deny nepetas pawesome heart pawers????????"
PAG: Yeah, if I ever find myself using idiotic cat puns, I'll just hang myself, thanks.
FUTURE gallowsCalibrator [FGC] 5 DAYS FROM NOW responded to memo.
FGC: >8D
FGC: HOW TH1CK 4ROUND W4S YOUR N3CK 4G41N VR1SK4?
PAG: What?
FGC: H3H3H3
PAST grimAuxiliatrix [PGA] 2:00 HOURS AGO responded to memo.
PGA: Thirteen And One Quarter Inches
FGC: 4H, TH4NK YOU K4N4Y4
PGA: Always Glad To Help
PAG: Hey, wh8t the h8ll!!!!!!!!
FGC: DONT WORRY VR1SK4, 1LL M4K3 1T SHORT3R TH4N TH4T
FGC: 1 KNOW YOU L1K3 1T 4 L1TTL3 SNUG >8]
FGC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3
FGC ceased responding to memo.
PAG: Gr8, Kanaya, thanks a lot for giving out the circumference of my neck to our resident noose enthusiast! Really fucking appreci8 that!!!!!!!!
PAG: Why don't you just give out important details of my anatomy to any nutjo8 who asks????????
PGA: Really Vriska How Do You Know She Isnt Simply Making You A Nice Ascot
PGA: Or Perhaps A Striking Cerulean Cravat
CAC: :33 < h33 h33, or maybe a cat collar with a little bell on it!!
PAG: Arrrrrrrrgh, shut uuuuuuuup!!!!!!!!
PAG: Look, this whole shipping plan is stupid, okay? It's stupid and it's dum8 and it's all a 8ig w8ste of time!!!!!!!!
PGA: You Have Voiced This Opinion Several Times In This Very Memo
PGA: And Yet Here You Are Still Responding
PGA: You Realize You Could Just Sign Off At Any Time Right
CAC: :33 < yeah vwiskers, why are you still here if you think my idea is so dumb??
CAC: :33 < i think maybe youre sticking around beclaws you want some advice!
PAG: Aaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha, yeah right!!!!!!!!
PAG: I'm fine! I've got my romantic life under control!
PAG: I don't need your help finding a moirail, 8ecause I already have one!
PAG: And I don't need your help finding a m8sprit, 8ecause I've got irons in the fire, okay?!
PAG: Frankly, the fact that any of these other douche8ags need any advice at all is kind of em8arrassing!
CCG: AND JUST HOW ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE TAVROS FORGET THAT YOU'RE A NARCISSISTIC PSYCHOPATH WHO BROKE HIS LEGS AND MAKE HIM FLUSHED FOR YOU?
PAG: I never said it was Tavros!
PAG: And even if it was, it's none of your fucking 8usiness!!!!!!!!
CAC: :33 < i know youre already in a meowrallegiance with kanaya
CAC: :33 < but is it working out?
CAC: :33 < you dont sound like youre furry happy with her ://
PAG: What? We're gr8! Never 8een 8etter!
PAG: So why don't you just 8ug off and keep your stupid catgirl snout out of my love life!!!!!!!!
PGA: Really
PGA: Are Those The Particular Words You Would Use To Describe The State Of Our Relationship
PAG: Yeah, I don't know, whatever!
PGA: Thats Interesting
PGA: Considering That In The Past Several Days You Havent Attempted To Contact Me Once
PGA: And A Grand Majority Of My Attempts At Communicating With You Have Been Ignored
PAG: So what, just 8ecause you're my moirail means you always need to 8e 8ugging and fussing and meddling in my affairs????????
PGA: Not Always
PGA: But Its Generally Assumed That There Is Some Sort Of Bare Minimum Of Imposition Involved Which We Have Collectively Failed Utterly To Meet
PAG: God, Kanaya, why don't you just air out all our dirty laundry while you're at it?
PGA: I Would Prefer To Discuss This Sort Of Thing In Private
PGA: If Only There Were Some Specifically Designated Person With Which I Could Express My Feelings
PAG: What the hell is that supposed to mean????????
PGA: Urrgh Just
PGA: Nevermind
PGA ceased responding to memo.
CCG: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA WOW.
CCG: NEPETA, I THINK YOU AND YOUR SWEATY STACK OF SHIT MOIRAIL NEED TO STEP UP YOUR GAME, BECAUSE THESE TWO ARE ABOUT TO GIVE YOU SOME SERIOUS COMPETITION FOR BEST PALEMATES IN FUCKING PARADOX SPACE.
PAG: Sh8t the f8ck 8p K8rk8t!!!!!!!!
PAG: W8ll, gr8 j8b, Nep8ta!!!!!!!! W8y to g8!!!!!!!!
PAG: G8d, I tho8ght y8u wer8 try8ng t8 h88k pe8pl8 8p, not 8r8k th8m 8p!!!!!!!!
CAC: :33 < im not!!! :((
CAC: :33 < kanaya, if youre still reading this, just talk to me in two hours, okay?
PAG: 8h ye8h, t8lk to h8r s8me m8re, th8t'll r8ally h8lp!!!!!!!!
CCG: YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT, DO EXACTLY THAT.
CCG: IN FACT, JUST DEAL WITH ALL OF VRISKA'S BULLSHIT RIGHT NOW.
PAG: Wh8t!!!!!!!! Why????????
CCG: BECAUSE IF THIS IS GOING TO BECOME AN ACTUAL THING, I DON'T WANT YOU CONSTANTLY FLOODING THESE MEMOS WITH YOUR SELF-OBSESSED BULLSHIT.
CCG: SO NEPETA, AS YOUR LEADER, I AM ORDERING YOU TO SHIP THE FUCK OUT OF VRISKA THIS INSTANT.
CCG: SHOWER HER WITH SO MANY SHIPS THAT SHE WON'T KNOW WHAT TO FUCKING DO WITH THEM.
CAC: :33 < h33 h33, sir yes sir!!
PAG: N8!!!!!!!! Th8s is 8ullsh8t!!!!!!!!
PAG: I 8lready t8ld y8u I d8n't w8nt your f8cking h8lp, 8kay????????
PAG: So just ST8Y TH8 F8CK O8T 8F M8 L8F8!!!!!!!!
CAC: :33 < ill show you vwiskers!
CAC: :33 < ill make you happy even if i have to drag you kicking and screaming the whole way!
PAG: W8ll, y8u W8LL!!!!!!!!
PAG: S8 j8st F8CK 8FF!!!!!!!!!
PAG ceased responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < okay, vwiskers is now purriority number one!
CAC: :33 < all other shipping activities are to be suspended until opurration: closing the serket is complete!
CAC: :33 < this wont be easy, but i think i know juuuust where to start...
CAC: :33 < *the rogue unfurls her wings and flies away, an epic shipping gambit already being furmulated in her mind*
CAC ceased responding to memo.
CCG: OH MY GOD THIS IS GOING TO BE FUCKING HILARIOUS.
CCG ceased responding to memo.
CAC closed memo.

***

Nepeta had her work cut out for her, that much was certain. She knew from the moment the idea for her great work entered her head that it wouldn't be easy, but starting with Vriska of all people? This was going to take all of her strengths as a shipper, she knew. It would take perseverance, and empathy, and more than a little cunning...

And perhaps most important of all, it would take refreshments.

Nepeta spun and leapt from her seat, plucking a few of her land's sugary cubes from her desk (the little things seemed to get everywhere) before traipsing over to her tea set. The conversation with the spidertroll (and weren't there some other people in there too? She had very nearly forgotten) had left her mentally drained, and she desperately needed the precise mixture of caffeine and sugar that only her kettle could provide. She poured herself a cup of the mystery brew--she wasn't sure exactly what kind it was, as she'd collected it directly from one of the many streams and rivers that flowed throughout her planet--and plunked two of the cubes in before taking a long sip. The beverage's effect was nigh-instantaneous, and she felt a pleasant energy surging through her body in great waves.

So enthralled was she in her tea-drinking ritual that she very nearly didn't notice a new Trollian window popping up on her grubtop. But seeing the line of jade text appear on the screen... and then another... and then another (oh, Kanaya) immediately snapped her out of her trance. Once again bright and alive and full of energy, and now faced with a friend in desperate need of a pleasant conversation, she practically pounced into her chair, ready to tackle anything paradox space could throw at her.

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

GA: I Apologize For Leaving Your Memo So Melodramatically
GA: I Had Wished To Speak With Vriska But I Afraid I May Have Allowed My Frustration With Her To Get The Best Of Me
GA: In Any Case I Continued To Read It Until The End
GA: And While I Can See That It Will Most Likely Be An Arduous Task I Agree With Karkats Assessment That You Should Deal With All Of Her Quote Self Obsessed Bullshit End Quote First
GA: If This Is In Fact Your Intended Course Of Action I Will Be Happy To Assist In Any Way I Can
GA: Nepeta Are You There
AC: :33 < yes sorry!!! i was just getting some tea
GA: Oh Of Course
GA: I Can See Why You Would Require Refreshments After Such A Long And Enervating Conversation
AC: :33 < yeah, it was a doozy!
AC: :33 < i wanted to talk about some of my ships and how id be going around asking people questions
AC: :33 < but the whole thing just degenerated into vwiskerschat!
GA: Yes Vriskachat Is A Thing That Tends To Happen
GA: Any Conversation That Goes On Long Enough Tends To Be Pulled Into The Insurmountable Gravitational Pull Of Her Ultramassive Ego
GA: And Then Falls Into The Event Horizon From Which No Light Or Meaningful Discussion Can Escape
GA: Its Sort Of Like The Coriolis Effect
GA: With The Bonus Punchline That This Comparison Implies The World Revolves Around Her Thus Once Again Referencing Her Overly Uncritical View Of Herself
AC: :33 < ://
AC: :33 < you sound like youre purretty mad at her
GA: Sorry
GA: I Just Havent Had An Opportunity To Discuss This With Anyone
GA: Most People Arent Overly Eager To Talk About Vriska Believe It Or Not
AC: :33 < yeah, i can s33 why
AC: :33 < after that confursation im not really too excited to talk about her even more
AC: :33 < but i have my orders so i guess i have to!
GA: Of Course
GA: Everyone Has An Important Job To Do
AC: :33 < yes!
AC: :33 < even if you have to make up a job fur yourself to do!
AC: :33 < but is it okay if we talk spurrcifically about your meowrallegiance with her?
GA: I Suppose So
GA: It Is The Proverbial Earmammoth In The Block At This Point
GA: And Until We Deal With It It Will Burden Us With Its Demanding Diet And Large And Difficult To Dispose Of Leavings
GA: Not To Mention Causing General Distress To Hive Guests With Its Oversized Posterior And Its Abnormally Shaped Ashen Reproductive Organs
GA: What Spurrcifically Did You Want To Talk About
GA: I Mean Specifically
AC: :33 < h33 h33! X33
AC: :33 < anyway, i just wanted to ask how it was working out
AC: :33 < no offense, but it s33ms pretty dysfunctional
GA: No Its True
GA: It Wasnt Even Really Working Out Before The Game Started
GA: But Since We Entered Things Have Only Gotten Worse
GA: We Hardly Ever Speak And What Few Conversations We Do Have Are Brief And Confrontational
GA: I Think
GA: I Think She Might Resent Me For All The Times I Tried To Hold Her Back
AC: :33 < im not sure thats true!
GA: You Arent
AC: :33 < well, she s33med really upset when you left the memo
AC: :33 < she s33med really afuraid that you were actually going to break up with her
AC: :33 < so i think she still cares about you, shes just confused
GA: Really
GA: Well
GA: Maybe Its My Fault
GA: I Think Ive Been Much Shorter With Her Ever Since
GA: Well Since She Started Pursuing Tavros
AC: :33 < is it okay if i ask what the deal with that is?
GA: I Suppose
GA: Shes Been Infatuated With Him For Some Time Now
GA: But She Cant Seem To Decide If Her Feelings For Him Are Red Or Black
GA: And He Hasnt Reciprocated Any Of Her Advances Of Any Color
GA: Which Isnt Really Helping Matters
GA: Youd Probably Be Better Off Asking Him About It
GA: I Try My Best To Ignore The Whole Situation
AC: :33 < yeah, ill purrobably talk to him after this
AC: :33 < but fur now, i guess i should ask...
AC: :33 < do you want to try to work things out with vwiskers?
GA: I
GA: Well
GA: I Do
GA: But In Truth
GA: I Dont Think
GA: I Want To Be Her Moirail Anymore
AC: :33 < really??
GA: Yes
AC: :33 < but you still want to be furiends with her?
GA: I
GA: Yes
AC: :33 < well thats purrobably pawssible!
GA: Im Not So Sure
GA: Im Afraid That If I Terminate My Relationship With Her That Shell Hate Me
GA: And I Just
GA: I Dont Want Her To Hate Me
AC: :33 < kanaya, stop me if im wrong here
AC: :33 < but do you really just want to be furiends with vwiskers?
GA: Uh
GA: What Do You Mean
AC: :33 < i mean, do you want to be anything...
AC: :33 < more?
GA: I
GA: Um
GA: Im Not Sure If I Should
GA: Well
AC: :33 < kanaya, i just want to help you!
AC: :33 < but in order fur me to help you, i n33d you to talk to me!
AC: :33 < i wont tell a soul, i swear!
AC: :33 < i guarantee you one hundred purrcent shipper-patient purrivilege!
AC: :33 < so please just talk to me!
GA: Okay Okay
GA: Im
GA: Im Flushed For Her
GA: Im As Flushed For Her As The Rivers Of Lopah And I Have Been Ever Since Probably The First Night I Met Her
GA: And The Only Reason I Ever Wanted To Be Her Moirail Was To Be Close To Her And It Seemed To Be The Best I Could Do
GA: But All I Ever Did Was Bug And Fuss And Meddle In Her Affairs And Never Tried To Stop Her From Doing Dangerous Things Because I Didnt Want Her To Regard Me As An Enemy
GA: But In Being So Permissive I Just Let Her Destroy Her Own Life And Now She Probably Hates Me Even More
GA: And The Pupa Pan Incident Was Just The Culmination Of Just How Much Ive Completely Ruined Everything Between Us And I Just
GA: All I Want Is For Her To Not Hate Me
GA: All I Want Is For Her To
GA: To Love Me
GA: God What Is Wrong With Me
AC: kanaya, kanaya, it's okay!!
AC: theres nothing wrong with you!
AC: and youre not a bad person for becoming her moirail just to be close to her!
AC: you were young and in love and neither of you really knew what it meant to be in a relationship like that!
AC: and even if you hadnt been flushed for her it wouldve been unfair to put such a nice and compassionate and well-adjusted troll in a moirallegiance with someone as dangerous as her!
AC: but its just cruel to ask you to be stern and temperate and even-handed with someone when your heart blinds you to all of their flaws and only lets you see all the wonderful things about them!
AC: and it shouldnt have gone on, but the only reason it did is because people think its only about keeping dangerous trolls in line, when its really so much more than that!
AC: its about understanding someone completely, all of their strengths and all of their flaws, and always wanting to help them, even if you have to hurt them to do it!
AC: and its not fair to ask you to be someones moirail if you cant bring yourself to hurt them even a little!
AC: and i think you deserve to be her matesprit, and i think she deserves to have a matesprit like you, because youre one of the kindest and gentlest and most considerate trolls ive ever known!
AC: and i know she probably loves you too, even if she just doesnt know it yet!
GA: She Does
AC: yes!!!
GA: How Do You Know
AC: because even after everything youve endured, after everything shes put you through, you dont hate her, and she knows it!
AC: and even after all the bugging and fussing and meddling youve subjected her to, she hasnt tried to end your relationship!
AC: and maybe at times shes said she hates you, but she just meant she hates you as a moirail!
AC: and if she hates you as a moirail, what else could be keeping her from just up and leaving you?
GA: You Mean
GA: You Think That Her Trepidation To End Our Pale Relationship May Be Caused In Some Part By Her At Least Subconsciously
GA: Reciprocating My True Feelings For Her
AC: exactly!!!
GA: Hm
GA: I Hadnt Thought Of It That Way
AC: shell love you back, i know she will!
AC: just trust me!
GA: Yes
GA: I Think Trusting You Is The Right Thing To Do
GA: I Dont Know Exactly How Much Of What You Just Said Is True
GA: But I Think I Needed To Hear All Of It
GA: So
GA: Thank You Nepeta
AC: :33 < h33 h33, no purroblem!
AC: :33 < im always happy to help a furiend in n33d!
GA: I Appreciate It
GA: And Im Really Sorry For Being So Melodramatic About This
AC: :33 < romance is serious business! its okay to be melodramatic about it!
GA: Yes I Suppose So
GA: Ill Admit At First I Wasnt Certain Exactly How Seriously To Take You On This Whole Ordeal
GA: But It Seems I Underestimated Your Understanding Of Troll Romance
GA: So I Think Youll Make A Great Matchmaker
GA: For What Little My Word Is Worth
AC: :33 < its worth a lot, kanaya! thank you!
AC: :33 < so i guess i should talk to tavros now
AC: :33 < and then i guess ill have to talk to vwiskers...
GA: I Wouldnt Suggest Speaking To Vriska Immediately
GA: She Has Probably Recovered From Her Previous Doldrum And Currently Believes She Is Infallible
GA: And Shes Pretty Much Impossible To Deal With When Shes Like That
AC: :33 < ugh, yeah, youre right
GA: I Would Suggest Finding Another Point In Time To Bother Her When She Is More Emotionally Susceptible
AC: :33 < yeah, but when will that be?
GA: Its Impossible To Say For Certain
GA: But Such A Vulnerable Mood Could Be Triggered By Any Sufficiently Distressing Occurrence
AC: :33 < would it be pawssible fur such an event to be...
AC: :33 < engin33red?
GA: Um
GA: If Youre Implying The Course Of Action I Believe Youre Implying
GA: I Think That Would Be Adequate
AC: :33 < would you be willing to do that?
GA: If Thats What It Takes
GA: Then Yes
AC: :33 < kanaya, if youre not okay with it, i wont ask you to do it
GA: No
GA: I Think Such A Drastic Action Might Be Necessary
GA: Even If It Pains Me To Do it
AC: :33 < okay, but dont do anything yet
AC: :33 < let me talk to tavros first, okay?
GA: Of Course
AC: :33 < and then together we can furmulate a plan to sw33p miss serket off her f33t and make her horns ofur h33ls flushed fur you!
AC: :33 < it will be CLAWRIOUS
GA: Uh Wow
AC: :33 < what?
GA: I Just Never Imagined You Could Be So
GA: Devious
AC: :33 < why does efurryone k33p saying that??
AC: :33 < im not devious!!!
AC: :33 < well
AC: :33 < okay maybe i am
AC: :33 < but sometimes people are so good at deceiving themselves that you have no choice but to deceive them to make them s33 the truth!
GA: And See
GA: That Was A Genuinely Compelling Observation On An Aspect Of Troll Nature
GA: Nepeta What The Hell Happened To You
AC: :33 < what happened is
AC: :33 < someone gave me a choice!
GA: Thats A Really Cryptic Answer
GA: I Wasnt Even Aware That You Were Capable Of Being Cryptic
AC: :33 < okay, talk to you later, kanaya!

arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA].

GA: I Suddenly Dont Understand Anything

grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

Nepeta slumped back in her chair. Being emotionally supportive was exhausting work! She'd actually worked up quite a sweat, so she yanked her cat hood off and messed up her hair to shake some of it out. Hoping to quench her sudden thirst, she reached again for her tea cup, but being so caught up in the conversation, she must not have noticed she'd drained it to the last drop. In brazen defiance of every known code of etiquette, she walked over to the tea set, snatched the kettle, and set it down right next to her grubtop. It was going to be a long day.

Before she even thought of speaking to Tavros, she poured herself a cup of brew and took a long, greedy sip. Once again the righteous elixir filled her with zest, and she almost felt herself being buoyed up the wings of a million invisible butterflies, or something equally adorable. Ready to ship once again, she opened the Trollian window, mentally preparing herself for whatever romantic drama bomb Tavros could throw at her.

arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling adiosToreador [AT].

AC: :33 < *ac hops up on tavroses shoulders and nuzzles against his big cool horns*
AT: oH, uH, hI nEPETA,
AC: :33 < hi tavros!
AC: :33 < *she says, and then stops roleplaying beclaws she wants to talk about serious stuff*
AT: aH, yES, i SUPPOSE IT'S HARD TO BE SERIOUS WHEN,
AT: yOU'RE PRETENDING TO BE A CAT,
AC: :33 < it really is!
AC: :33 < anyway, i guess i should ask first
AC: :33 < did you read my memo?
AT: iF YOU MEAN THE ONE ABOUT SHIPPING, tHEN YES,
AT: i READ THAT ONE A WHILE AGO,
AT: vRISKA WAS YELLING AT ME NOT TO LISTEN TO YOU, iF YOU TALKED TO ME,
AT: wHICH YOU ARE NOW, aND,
AT: i GUESS, uH, i AM ANYWAY,
AT: sO THEN i SAW YOUR MEMO, aND i READ IT,
AT: aND THERE WERE SOME OTHERS TOO, bUT THEY WERE LOCKED, oR SOMETHING,
AT: bUT YES, i READ IT,
AC: :33 < okay, good
AC: :33 < well thank you fur listening to me even though vwiskers told you not to!
AT: yOU'RE WELCOME, i GUESS,
AT: jUST, uH, pLEASE DON'T TELL HER,
AC: :33 < i wont tell her a thing, i purromise!
AT: oKAY, tHANK YOU, fOR PROMISING THAT,
AT: sO i GUESS, uHH, wE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT vRISKA NOW,
AC: :33 < unfurtunately, yes
AC: :33 < whats going on with you and her?
AT: wELL, uH, i THINK SHE'S, uHH,
AT: fLUSHED FOR ME,
AT: oR MAYBE THE OTHER ONE,
AT: tHE BLACK ONE,
AT: aND IT'S, uH, kIND OF UNCOMFORTABLE, rEALLY,
AC: :33 < i can s33 why it would be
AC: :33 < do you have any f33lings fur her?
AT: tHAT'S KIND OF THE THING THAT MAKES IT UNCOMFORTABLE,
AT: i MEAN, i KIND OF LIKE HER, bUT NOT REALLY, uH,
AT: lIKE THAT,
AT: aND i KIND OF HATE HER TOO, i GUESS,
AT: bUT NOT REALLY ALL THAT MUCH, eiTHER,
AC: :33 < you dont hate her all that much?
AC: :33 < really?
AT: yES, i KNOW, sHE DID THE, uH
AT: tHE THING WITH,
AT: mY LEGS,
AT: bUT, wELL, sHE FEELS REALLY BAD ABOUT IT,
AT: i CAN TELL, eVEN THOUGH SHE NEVER, uH, aCTUALLY SAYS IT,
AT: aND SHE TRIED TO MAKE IT UP TO ME, iN HER, uHH,
AT: wELL, hER WEIRD, mESSED UP SORT OF WAY,
AC: :33 < does this have something to do with the pupa pan incident i k33p hearing about?
AT: uHHHHHH,
AT: cAN WE, uHHH,
AT: nOT TALK ABOUT, tHAT, uH,
AT: pARTICULAR THING,
AC: :33 < okay okay fine
AC: :33 < so i guess i should ask
AC: :33 < do you like her?
AT: wELL, uH,
AT: i LIKE THINGS, aBOUT HER
AT: i MEAN, wE GO ON ADVENTURES, aND THOSE ARE FUN,
AT: aND i LIKE THE WAY SHE LIGHTENS UP, wHEN WE DO THAT,
AT: bUT ALL THE OTHER TIMES, sHE'S JUST REALLY INTENSE,
AT: lIKE, sHE'S MEAN, aND NASTY, aND INSULTING,
AT: eVEN WHEN i TRY TO BE NICE TO HER,
AT: aND OTHER TIMES, sHE GETS REALLY HARD ON HERSELF,
AT: aND IF i TRY TO HELP HER, sHE GETS REALLY MAD,
AT: iT'S JUST, iT'S REALLY,
AT: fRUSTRATING, i GUESS,
AC: :33 < hmmm, interesting
AT: iS IT,
AC: :33 < kind of!
AC: :33 < anyway, do you think youre flushed fur her?
AT: i'M, uH, pRETTY SURE i'M,
AT: wELL, nO,
AT: i'M DEFINITELY SURE i'M NOT,
AC: :33 < okay, thats good actually!
AT: uH, iT IS,
AC: :33 < yes!
AC: :33 < ive got another ship fur her flushed quadrant in mind!
AT: uH, wHO IS IT,
AC: :33 < i cant tell you that yet!
AC: :33 < look, i n33d to deal with all of vwiskers relationship stuff furst
AC: :33 < but since shes so dumb about stuff like this, im purrobably gonna have to spurring some sort of elaborate trap on her
AC: :33 < and itd purrobably really help if you were in on it!
AC: :33 < so would you be willing to help me?
AT: sO YOU WANT ME TO HELP YOU,
AT: wITH SOME SORT OF,
AT: sNEAKY ROMANCE AMBUSH,
AT: oN vRISKA,
AC: :33 < yes!
AT: tHAT'S KIND OF, a WEIRD THING,
AT: fOR YOU TO BE PLANNING,
AC: :33 < what do you mean?
AT: iT JUST SEEMS,
AT: rEALLY, uH,
AC: :33 < please dont say devious!
AT: uH,
AT: i WASN'T GOING,
AT: tO, UHH,
AT: sAY THAT,
AC: :33 < then what were you gonna say?
AT: uHHH,
AT: iT'S NOT IMPORTANT,
AC: :33 < well then, will you help me?
AT: wELL, iF WE PERFORM THIS,
AT: sNEAKY, bUT DEFINITELY NOT DEVIOUS,
AT: rOMANCE ATTACK ON vRISKA,
AT: iS SHE GOING TO TRY TO, uH,
AT: rETALIATE, aGAINST US,
AT: oR, pARTICULARLY, uH,
AT: mE,
AC: :33 < no! i wont let her hurt anyone!
AC: :33 < anyway, were gonna wait to do it until a point in time when shes more emotionally susceptible
AC: :33 < so shell purrobably be too busy beating herself up to beat anypawdy else up!
AT: oH, oKAY,
AT: tHAT IS DEFINITELY,
AT: sOME WORD THAT ISN'T DEVIOUS,
AC: :33 < ill admit that purrt is kind of devious
AT: oKAY, gOOD,
AT: bECAUSE IT IS,
AC: :33 < so will you help me?
AT: i THINK i WILL, YES,
AT: vRISKA REALLY DOES NEED HELP,
AT: aND SHE PROBABLY WON'T GET ANY, uNLESS IT'S FORCED UPON HER,
AT: oKAY, tHAT SOUNDED KIND OF DIRTY, aND i SUDDENLY WISH i HADN'T SAID IT,
AT: bUT YES, i'LL HELP YOU,
AC: :33 < thats great! thank you tavros!
AC: :33 < tell you what, ill talk to kanaya
AC: :33 < shes my other accompawlice in all this
AC: :33 < and then well all work together to make a big sneaky plan to get through all of her dumb emotional purroblems and ship ALL of her ships!
AC: :33 < ALL OF THEM
AC: :33 < well, actually just half of them
AT: yES, iT IS PROBABLY BEST,
AT: tO JUST DO THE HALF,
AC: :33 < yeah, i dont really care about the other two quadrants anyway!
AC: :33 < though, i might have an idea fur one of them...
AT: uH, wHAT,
AC: :33 < well talk about it later!
AC: :33 < ive gotta go talk to kanaya!
AT: cAN i ASK ONE QUESTION, rEALLY QUICKLY,
AC: :33 < uh, sure
AT: iS KANAYA, nOT HAPPY WITH HER,
AC: :33 < well
AC: :33 < she doesnt want to be vwiskers meowrail anymore
AC: :33 < but i cant say any more about it until i talk to her!
AT: oKAY, tHAT'S FAIR, i GUESS,
AT: i MEAN, iT'S TERRIBLE, kIND OF,
AT: bUT i GUESS, yOU HAVE A SHIP IN MIND, oR SOMETHING,
AC: :33 < h33 h33, you could say that!
AC: :33 < talk to you soon tavros!
AT: tHAT'S KIND OF, uH,

arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling adiosToreador [AT].

AT: a CRYPTIC ANSWER,
AT: oH, uHH, oKAY,

adiosToreador [AT] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

Already the gears were turning in Nepeta's head. Soon, with the help of Tavros and Kanaya, she would plot the sneakiest, most devious (but benevolently so!) shipping attack paradox space had ever known. Vriska would be shipped so utterly and so thoroughly that envelopes full of tiny pieces of her would be spread all throughout the incipisphere. Nepeta would bury her in so many ships, people would think Her Imperious Condescension herself had given the order to conquer her. Working with her friends, she would formulate the perfect plan.

But first, she needed to use the load gaper. All that tea just goes straight through a girl.

Chapter Text

Chapter 3

Serket Breaker

"It's done," Kanaya said with a sigh as she shut her grubtop.

The three of them, Nepeta, Tavros, and Kanaya, had assembled in Nepeta's hive on the Land of Little Cubes and Tea. They were seated at a small, circular table with one of the planet's native tea sets laid out at its center. Together they had spent the past day planning their sneaky romance ambush on Vriska, and now it was time to put it into action.

"You let her down easy, right?" Nepeta asked, then took an anxious sip of tea.

"I should hope so," said Kanaya, but not without a twinge of guilt in her voice. "I made it clear that I was terminating our moirallegiance because I believed it was harmful to both of us, and specifically not because of any personal dissatisfaction with her."

"Still, I'm sorry to make you do that," Nepeta said.

"It's fine, really. Had I not ended the relationship now, it only would have slowly faded anyway." Kanaya sighed once more and averted her gaze from the table. "Still, I hope she believed me. More than anything, I don't want her to hold it against me."

"Uh, Kanaya," Tavros started, startling the two girls, though not visibly. "I think that if your, uh, moirallegiance wasn't working, it's a good thing that you're ending it. And I think, eventually, at least, she'll realize it was the right thing to do, even if she does hold it against you. I mean, at first."

"Thank you, Tavros," Kanaya said, and bowed to him slightly.

"You, uh... you really like her, right?"

Kanaya drew in her breath. "More than I can express in words."

"That's good," said Tavros, and he cast his vision down at the table. "I think Vriska, uh, probably deserves a matesprit like you, and not a lousy one, like me."

Kanaya leaned over the table towards Tavros, her hands perched on its edge. "Tavros, I think you'll make a fine matesprit. You just need to find the right person."

Tavros looked her in the eye. "Thanks, Kanaya," he said, then averted his gaze once more. "For saying that, I mean. I don't know if it's true, but..."

His self-deprecation was interrupted by an alert from Nepeta's grubtop. "Guys, it's Vwiskers!" she said, and set her tea cup down, settling both hands on the keyboard to deal with the undoubtedly emotional spidertroll.

arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

AG: Nep8ta, wh8t the f8ck did y8u s8y to h8r!!!!!!!!
AC: :33 < vwiskers, what are you talking about?
AG: You kn8w what the f8ck I'm t8lking a88ut!!!!!!!! I mean Kan8ya!!!!!!!!
AG: She just 8r8ke 8p with m8!!!!!!!!
AC: :33 < oh no! :((
AC: :33 < i talked to her, but i told her not to do anything yet!
AG: 8ullsh8t!!!!!!!! I KN8W you p8t her up to th8s!!!!!!!!
AC: :33 < i swear i didnt!!
AC: :33 < what did she say?
AG: Some cr8p a8out how it w8s 8ad for 8oth of 8s and how she'd 8een "negl8ctful in her d8ties as a m8ir8il" or some crap like th8t.
AG: And she kept s8ying, "Vr8ska, I don't h8 you, I d8n't h8 you."
AG: 8ullshit!!!!!!!! If she d8esn't h8 me, why w8uld she 8r8k up w8th me????????
AC: :33 < i dont know, but i know she doesnt hate you!
AG: Of c8urse she h8tes me! Why w8uldn't she h8 me?
AG: She's alw8ys 8ugging and fussing and m8ddling with me, 8nd she pro8a8ly just got s8ck of it and s8id, "F8ck it, I'm d8ne with Spidertr8ll!!!!!!!!"
AG: "Just k8ck her to th8 cur8, just l8ke ev8ry8ody else alre8dy h8s!!!!!!!!"
AC: :33 < its not like that at all!!
AG: Th8n why????????
AG: I figured of 8ll the trolls in the w8rld, at least Kanaya would alw8ys 8e a8le to put 8p with me.
AG: And even though she w8s always 8ugging me and messing with my pl8ns........
AG: I already kind of miss her.
AG: ::::(
AC: :33 < vwiskers, i think you really n33d someone to talk to right now
AC: :33 < i mean, in purrson
AC: :33 < so why dont you come ofur to my hive?
AC: :33 < we can drink tea and talk about your purroblems
AC: :33 < and itll be pleasant and relaxing and i think itll be really helpfur!
AG: No!!!!!!!! I'm not going over to your stupid hive to have a little tea party with you!!!!!!!!
AC: :33 < then what are you gonna do?
AG: I don't know, I'll........
AG: ........I'll just sit on LOMAT and fucking mope to myself, I guess, since every8ody hates me.
AC: :33 < vwiskers, i already told you i like you
AG: 8ullshit.
AC: :33 < im serious!
AG: Well........
AG: This isn't a part of some stupid trick, is it?
AC: :33 < vwiskers, all i want is to share a warm befurage with you and help you with your relationship purroblems
AG: ........
AG: Okay, fine.
AC: :33 < yes!!! thank you vwiskers!
AC: :33 < you wont regret it, i swear!!
AG: I'll 8e the judge of that!
AG: Just to 8e clear, I'm only doing this 8ecause I literally have no8ody else to talk to.
AG: So don't think we're suddenly friends or something, okay?
AC: :33 < whatefur you say, vwiskers
AG: I'll 8e over in a little 8it.
AC: :33 < thats fine!
AC: :33 < efurrything will be ready when you get here
AG: And if you tell any8ody a8out this, I swear I'll kill you.
AC: :33 < ill k33p that in mind!
AG: And Nepeta?
AC: :33 < yeah?
AG: ........
AG: Thanks.
AC: :33 < hey, no purroblem!
AC: :33 < anything to help a furiend in n33d!
AG: Yeah, whatever.
AC: :33 < s33 you in a bit!
AG: Eh.

arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

"Alright, she'll be here in a bit!" Nepeta said, closing the chat window. "And that means you guys need to get out of here!"

"Okay," said Tavros, and backed his rocket chair away from the table. "I really hope this works..."

Kanaya rose and began to leave, but stopped and turned to Nepeta. "Nepeta... are you sure you're ready to do this?"

"Please," Nepeta said, and she cracked her knuckles. "I was hatched fur this kind of thing."

***

Nepeta had been tidying up the cave--picking up loose hides, wiping up the blood smears all over the floors, even sweeping all the little cubes into a great big pile (and then captchaloguing it--didn't want to send any pale signals here)--when she glanced out the window and saw a faint trail of cerulean sparkles growing in the distance. Vriska was here.

As she approached the front door--she was suddenly glad she'd added a door to what was once simply a giant hole--she briefly wondered if she was doing the right thing. She'd broken up Vriska's moirallegiance just to put her in a vulnerable mood--and if she was wrong about her feelings about Kanaya, she'd have ruined their relationship forever. But her heart told her she was right, and if she couldn't trust her heart, what could she trust?

Nepeta took a deep breath and opened the door. Outside she saw Vriska fluttering to the ground, so she ran out and waved to her enthusiastically. "Hi, Vwiskers!" Vriska withdrew her wings back into her jacket--she'd swapped her Thief of Light attire for her original outfit, slightly modified to accommodate her new protrusions--and threw a single arm in the air briefly in a halfhearted wave.

"So how was your trip?" she asked, just trying to make conversation.

"Well, I didn't see Kanaya, so that's..." Vriska started, but trailed off, her thought dying somewhere in the gap between bitterness and regret. Nepeta immediately felt bad for asking.

"Look, let's... go in my hive, and you just make yourself at home," Nepeta said, desperate to change the subject. "I'll make you some tea." She grabbed Vriska's wrist, as if to make the invitation binding, and half-dragged her into her hive.

"I guess this place isn't bad for a hole in the ground," Vriska said as she took a seat at the table, and Nepeta was glad she was at least trying to be polite.

"I tried to clean up a little, but I guess some of the bloodstains have set in," she said, and laughed to herself, earning her a cocked eyebrow from Vriska. She went ahead and poured them both a cup of tea, dropping two little cubes into her cup. "Would you like any sugar?"

Vriska picked up her cup and took a quick swig. "No thanks. It's too sweet already."

"Yeah, it's all a little sweet around here," Nepeta admitted, taking a sip of hers. She shivered a little as the sugary brew took its usual effect on her. They both continued drinking, and an awkward silence settled over the table.

Vriska was the one to break the silence. "So what are we supposed to talk about?"

Nepeta had been nursing her cup of tea close to her mouth, but now she set it down and put her curled her hands together on the table. "Well, we're suppawsed to talk about your purroblems."

"Well, you know what my purroblem is," Vriska said, emphasizing the pun mockingly. "It's Kanaya breaking up with me."

"Well, maybe I should ask..." Nepeta started, carefully considering how to phrase the next question. "Why is that a purroblem?"

Vriska glared at her, "What you mean, why is that a purroblem? She's my moirail! We're not supposed to just break up!"

"Look, did Kanaya say why she wanted to end your meowrallegiance?" Nepeta asked.

"Yeah, but she just said some bullshit about being bad for both of us," Vriska said, looking away and flipping her arms in the air in frustration, "and about how she was a bad moirail or something. Whatever!"

"Do you think she was a bad meowrail?" Nepeta asked with genuinely curiosity.

"I don't know," Vriska said, and crossed her arms, still not making eye contact. "What's a good moirail supposed to do, anyways? Stop me from doing bad things? Because she sure didn't do that!" She rolled her eyes, trying to seem dismissive, but still obviously hurt.

"That's the common conception," Nepeta said, "but I think there's more to it than that."

"Like what?" Vriska said, once again looking Nepeta in the eyes. "Am I supposed to stop her from doing bad things, too? Stop Little Miss Well-Adjusted over in her tower in the middle of the fucking desert from subjecting the world to her awful rainbow drinker fanfiction?"

"No!" said Nepeta a little too loudly, startling Vriska, if only momentarily. "It's about more than just holding each other back! It's about listening to each other and understanding each other, and knowing all the good and bad things about each other! And it's about always wanting your moirail to improve and never taking any stupid excuses, and always wanting to help them, even if you have to hurt them a little to do it!"

Vriska was taken aback by her sudden speech and scrambled to react to it. "Well, we weren't that, okay?!" she said, her voice suddenly taking on a sharp edge. "But even if we weren't... God, I don't know." She leaned over the table, staring into her teacup.

"Vriska, your moirallegiance was a sham to begin with," Nepeta said, her voice filled with scorn she wasn't aware she was capable of. "Kanaya ending it was just a formality."

"You don't understand!" Vriska shouted, suddenly rising from her seat and looking Nepeta dead in the eyes. "Kanaya was the only person I had left!" She continued to stare for a moment, then broke off, pacing around with her hands clenched in front of her. "After all the stupid things I've done, she was the only person who actually cared about me. Now that she's gone, I don't have anything." She let out a disgusted sigh. "Even Tavros doesn't want me, and I've practically been throwing myself at him."

"Vriska, there are still people who care about you," Nepeta said, knowing she was right.

"Bullshit!" Vriska turned to her and shouted. "Like who? And don't even say it's you! A day ago you hated me just as much as everybody else, and now the only reason you care is because of your stupid little shipping game!"

"It isn't a game, Vriska!" Nepeta shouted, and rose from her seat as well. "I seriously want to help you!"

"Well, you can't!" Vriska fired back, and turned away from her, facing the wall. "It's too late for me. I just..." She looked at the ground and sighed. "I fucked up. I did too many bad things, and now everybody hates me."

Nepeta slowly walked toward her. "It doesn't matter how many bad things you've done, Vriska."

"Of course it does!" Vriska shouted, still staring at the ground. "I'm just a bad person. I'm a fucked up little ball of hate that can't feel anything but black for anybody."

"You're not a bad person, Vriska," Nepeta said, and laid a hand on Vriska's shoulder.

She slapped it off. "Yes I am!"

"No you're not!" Nepeta shouted, and whirled Vriska around, grabbing both her shoulders and looking her in the eyes. "You're a good person, I know you are! And you know how I know? Because if you were a bad person, you wouldn't feel bad about all the bad things you've done! But you feel horrible, and it eats you up inside, and you want to make up for it! And I know you want to be a good person, but you wouldn't want to be a good person unless you already were a good person!"

Nepeta released Vriska's shoulders, and she took a step back. It didn't look like she had a response ready, so Nepeta kept going. "Vriska, it's not your fault the way you are. You were doomed to be messed up from the minute your lusus picked you. I can't imagine how awful it was, being forced to drag trolls to their deaths every day just to avoid being culled. But I think in order to cope, you sort of had to... cut yourself off. You didn't let yourself get attached to anyone, because you knew there was always the possibility that you'd have to kill them just to survive. Or you'd have to kill one of their friends, and then they'd hate you, and you'd have to kill them too. So if anybody tried to get close to you, you'd just drive them away with petty little barbs and insults, and eventually you internalized it that if anybody made a red advance toward you, they were either mocking you or trying to get you killed.

"And that worked, kind of, when you were on Alternia. But you're not on Alternia anymore, and you don't have to kill anyone anymore." Nepeta reached out and grabbed Vriska's hand, then clasped her other hand over it. She expected her to pull away, but her only reaction was to look down at it. "You don't have to be that person anymore, Vriska. You can be the person you've always wanted to be."

Vriska looked up at her, her face full of pain and regret and more than a little bewilderment. "How?" she asked, her voice cracking a little.

"You just need someone to help you," Nepeta said, and she allowed the faintest smile to grace her lips.

"Like who? You?" Vriska asked, then glanced down at their hands. Nepeta suddenly felt a little embarrassed at how supportive she was being, and she released her grip on Vriska's hand. She hoped this didn't count as pale infidelity, then briefly tried to recall if pale infidelity was even a thing. Whatever, she had more important things to worry about.

"No, not me," Nepeta said, her mouth still curled in an enigmatic smile, "but I've got someone in mind." She wandered over to the door and loudly called, "Oh, Tavros!"

Vriska's expression instantly hardened into one of concern. "Wait, what?"

As Tavros drifted into the room on his rocket chair, it changed again, from concern to anger, and she glared at Nepeta furiously. "Nepeta, what the fuck is this?! You said it would be just the two of us!"

"Just give me ten minutes, Vriska, okay?" Nepeta pleaded, hoping she hadn't squandered what goodwill she'd managed to accumulate with her. "Just ten minutes, and then you can do whatever you want. You can even kill me, I don't care!"

Vriska's glare deepened. "I'll give you eight."

"Fine," said Nepeta. "Now please, both of you come to the table."

Vriska took her seat once more, and Tavros slid up at the place across from her. Nepeta settled herself to the side between the two of them. "Uh, hi, Vriska," Tavros said with a little wave.

Vriska just crossed her arms and looked away. "Whatever."

"Now look," said Nepeta, and she curled her hands together on the table's surface. "I don't really know what's going on between you two, and I'm not sure either of you knows what's going on between you two either. So I want all three of us to get to the bottom of it together. And that's why," and she paused to take a deep breath, "I want to be your auspistice."

"What?!" Vriska screamed, and she slammed her fists on the table as she rose from her seat, knocking her teacup over. "No! This is bullshit! We don't need an auspistice!"

"Vriska, please--" Nepeta started, but didn't get to finish.

"No, fuck you!" Vriska interrupted, her eyes suddenly full of anger--and fear. "I thought you were trying to help me! So why the fuck do you want to want to tear me and Tavros apart?!"

"I'm not trying to tear you apart!" Nepeta shouted, rising from her seat to try to meet Vriska at eye level. "I just want to see how you two actually feel about each other! Because right now, just based on what I've heard, your relationship is unstable and uneven and a burden on both of you!"

"It's not a..." Vriska started, but the rest of the sentence couldn't escape her throat for some reason. "I mean..."

"Vriska, I just want you both to get your feelings out in the open," Nepeta said. "Then we'll know what kind of relationship you two have, instead of having to guess."

"Uh, Vriska," Tavros started, and the two girls turned their heads to him. "I think it's a good idea."

"Well, of course you would," Vriska said and sat down once again, slumping back in her chair. "You've never given a shit about me from the very beginning."

Nepeta sat down once more. "Tavros, is that true?" She grabbed an empty teacup and filled it with tea.

"No," Tavros said, and Nepeta deposited the teacup in front of him. He idly picked up a cube and dropped it in.

"Bullshit!" said Vriska, and she leaned over the table towards him. "I've made eight thousand passes at you, red and black both, and you haven't returned a single one!"

"Vriska, I," he stammered, "I have a lot of feelings, about you. But, I mean, they're all, uh, conflicted." He picked up his teacup and took a sip.

Nepeta looked over to him. "What kind of feelings, Tavros?"

"Well," Tavros said, and looked at Vriska, forcing himself to maintain eye contact and occasionally failing. "There are a lot of things I, uh, like about you. I mean, you're brave, and you're confident, and you can be nice, when you want to be. Like, when we go on adventures together, it's fun, because you're not so wound up and angry, like you usually are."

He looked down into his teacup. "I mean, a lot of the time, you're mean and nasty, even when people are just trying to be nice to you. And you always act like a loner, like you don't need anybody, and you push people away, and then you complain about how everyone hates you."

Tavros kept looking down at the table. "But I think..." he started hesitantly, "I think the thing I like least about you... is sometimes, you get in these moods, where you hate yourself, and everyone else, and if anybody tries to help you, you just snap at them, and push them away, and I wish..." He looked up at her. "I wish there was something I could do about it." She returned his glance for a moment, then looked away.

"Thank you, Tavros," Nepeta said, then turned her attention to Vriska. "What about you, Vriska? How do you feel about Tavros?"

Vriska glared at her. "You really want to know? Fine," she said, and turned to Tavros. "Tavros, I hate you. I've hated you since the first day I met you. I hate you because you're weak, and you're stupid, and you're naive, and you're a coward, and you play games for girls, and you believe in stupid shit like fairies. But the thing I hate most about you," and Nepeta could see her arms shaking from how hard she was clenching her fists, "is that after all the hate I've poured into you, you've never hated me back. Never!"

She leaned back from the table and looked away. "And I hate it, because you make it so hard to hate you! You're always so nice and agreeable and never wanting to fight with anybody. You didn't even fight the monsters on your planet! And you're always trying to be nice to me and help me, even when I treat you like shit! And I thought, maybe..." She looked at him briefly, then cast her gaze back down into her teacup. "I thought I might like you. And I thought, maybe, you might like me too. So I tried it. I gave you a shot at being my matesprit, and you just... you fucking blew it!"

Tavros had been looking at her, but he nervously glanced into his teacup. "Vriska, it was just... it was so sudden, and weird, and there's just... there's so much about you that I just, I can't get past."

"I know, I know," Vriska said and leaned her head back over her chair, staring at the ceiling. "No matter what happens, I'll always be the bitch who broke your legs. I don't even know what I was thinking." She sighed. "God, I still don't even know what I'm thinking. There's too much I hate about you for me to like you. And I can't hate you, because you won't hate me back. You're too weak to be my matesprit, and too nice to be my kismesis."

"I'm sorry, Vriska," Tavros said.

"Don't be sorry!" Vriska shouted, and she threw herself upright, clamping her hands on the table and leaning over it towards Tavros. "That's your problem, that you're sorry! You're the sorriest troll I've ever seen!" She took her hands off the table and leaned back into her chair. "I thought if I helped you enough, I could make you stronger, and maybe you'd be good enough to be my matesprit. And I thought if I insulted you enough, you might actually grow a spine and hate me back. But I guess it didn't work."

Nepeta felt the need to interrupt. "So you did both? At the same time?"

"Yeah, I know, it was stupid," Vriska said. "But whenever I tried to help him, I'd just get so frustrated, and ended up insulting him. And whenever I insulted him, he'd just take it, and I'd feel bad about it and want to help him again."

"Do you still want to help him?" Nepeta asked.

Vriska hesitated, flipping her overturned teacup back upright. Nepeta filled it before she finally answered. "Yeah, kind of. I just... I feel bad for him, I guess, I don't know."

Nepeta grinned mischievously and took a long sip of tea. "Then maybe... the two of you should be moirails!"

Vriska's eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets, and even Tavros seemed taken aback by the suggestion. "What?! Are you fucking kidding me?!" Vriska yelled.

"Think about it, Vriska!" Nepeta said. "You like Tavros, right?"

"Well, kind of, but--" Vriska started, but Nepeta completed her thought.

"But you hate that he's weak, and that he's too nice. But you want to change those things, and you want to help him change, right?"

"I guess," said Vriska, still not keen on the idea.

Nepeta turned to Tavros. "And what about you, Tavros? You like Vriska, don't you?"

"Uh, yeah..." Tavros said, trailing off because he knew he'd probably just get interrupted.

"But you hate that she's always so mean, and that she beats herself up over stuff. And you want that to change, right?"

"Yeah, I..." Tavros started, then looked up at Vriska. "I want to help you, like you've been trying to help me."

"So you both want to help each other," Nepeta said, reaching her arms out to point her hands at the two of them. "So you should be moirails! You both hate each other enough to see what's wrong with each other, and you like each other enough that you want to do something about it! It's perfect!"

Vriska seemed to be warming up to the idea, but she was still a little hesitant. "So wait, what exactly would a moirallegiance between us entail?" she asked, then took a swig of tea. "I mean, I've had a moirail before, but this seems... different somehow."

"Look, all you have to do," Nepeta said as she poured herself another cup of tea, "is talk to each other about each other's problems, and about what you think you should do to fix them."

"But it can't be that simple, can it?" Vriska asked. "I mean, what if I try to tell Tavros what to do, how I honestly think he could improve, and he doesn't listen to me?"

"And what if," Tavros interjected, "what if I try to help Vriska, and she just insults me, or tells me I'm stupid?"

"Well," Nepeta said, "you just have to promise each other that you'll listen to each other and give each other equal say, and you have to promise that you'll at least try to follow each other's advice."

"Okay, fine," Vriska said, and turned to fully face Tavros. "Tavros... if you promise that you'll try to listen to my advice and let me help you, then I promise I'll hear you out and try not to be so mean to you."

"Okay, I promise," Tavros said with surprisingly little hesitation. Vriska responded by reaching her fist out over the table. Tavros extended a fist of his own, and they both pushed them together in a gentle bunp.

"Yes!" Nepeta shouted, and she jumped out of her chair and clapped to herself. "I'm so happy fur you two! I just know you'll be great together!"

"Yeah, I guess," Vriska said, and leaned back in her chair and sighed.

"You don't sound very happy, Vriska," Tavros said with a look of concern.

"Look, it's..." Vriska started, not certain how to say what she was feeling. "It doesn't have anything to do with this. It's just... Kanaya." She leaned forward and crossed her arms on the table. "I still don't get why she dumped me."

"Do you still want to be her moirail?" Tavros asked.

Vriska shook her head. "No, I think she was right about our moirallegiance not working out. But still... something about the way she said it made it seem so final. Like things between us could never be the same again." She slid her teacup closer to herself and stared into it sullenly. "And she kept saying she didn't hate me. What did she mean?" She sloshed her tea around a bit, then took a sip.

Nepeta smirked and asked, "Why don't you ask her yourself?"

Vriska cocked her eyebrow at Nepeta. "You don't mean..."

Before she could finish her thought, Kanaya stepped into the room. She was wearing a long, sleeveless cerulean dress with a high black collar and a black belt around her waist. On her arms she wore long cerulean gloves tipped in black, with the fabric extending across her hands to wrap around her middle fingers. Emblazoned on her chest was her symbol in jade, snared atop an octagonal black spider web.

Vriska rose from her seat and stepped away from the table towards her. So many emotions were running through her head, anger and relief and regret and sorrow and something else she couldn't identify. All she could manage to say was, "Kanaya?"

Kanaya clasped her hands together at her waist. "Vriska," she said, then closed her eyes while she took a quiet breath. "Everything I said to you before was true. I truly believe that our moirallegiance was poisonous to both of us. And I believe that was mostly my fault. I never served my role properly, never cared for you the way a moirail should have. And I ended it because I believe you deserve someone who will be a better moirail than I have been."

Vriska gave her a pleading look. "But why? What made you do this? Was it something I did? Something I said?"

Kanaya looked to the ground. "It wasn't caused by any wrongdoing on your part." She looked up at Vriska, conviction burning in her eyes. "I don't hate you, Vriska. You must believe me when I say that."

Vriska's expression was unchanged. "Then why?" she asked, her voice soft and desperate.

"I..." Kanaya started, then averted her gaze once more to the ground. "There's something I've wanted to tell you for a long time, but until I spoke with Nepeta, I couldn't bring myself to do it." She looked over to Nepeta, who gave her a silent nod. She placed a hand over her chest, took a deep breath, and looked directly into Vriska's eyes.

"I'm flushed for you."

Vriska's eyes widened, but the look on her face wasn't one of surprise, but of understanding. It was as if the last piece in a thousand-piece puzzle had been put in its place, but before that moment, her mind could only focus on that one single gap, completely unable to infer the picture from the hundreds of other hints. But now the image was complete, and she could ignore it no longer, and it was so obvious that she felt like a fool for never having seen it.

With the initial revelation out of the way, the rest came, Kanaya thought, almost embarrassingly easily. "I have been since probably the moment I met you, and I've always wanted to tell you, but I could never find the courage. And I thought maybe as your moirail, I could make you love me the same way, but all I was doing was hurting you. And I saw that our relationship was degenerating, and I couldn't stand the thought of the two of us slowly drifting apart, so I..." She choked up suddenly, and she could see jade tears welling up at the edges of her vision.

"Kanaya..." Vriska started, but couldn't find the words to continue, so she simply opened her arms towards Kanaya. She fell into them and clung desperately to Vriska, burying her head in her shoulder, and Vriska found herself returning the embrace a little more tightly than she expected to.

"I don't hate you, Vriska," Kanaya said, straining to keep her composure. "That's why I've been such a bad moirail. And I just..." She stifled a sob. "I just hope you don't hate me for it."

"I don't hate you, Kanaya," Vriska said, her voice soft and earnest. "I don't think I can."

Kanaya sniffled. "Really?"

"I mean, when you first told me you were breaking up with me, I tried to get mad at you," Vriska said, looking down over Kanaya's shoulder and sighing wistfully. "But then I remembered all the little things about you that I loved. I loved how you were always encouraging me and reassuring me, no matter how badly I screwed up. And I loved how whenever I tore up one of my jackets or my FLARPing outfit, you'd always get so excited to make a new one with your little fetish for tailoring, and you'd always retake my measurements, even though I'm sure you had them memorized. And I loved how you'd occasionally just demand I let you wash my hair, and then you'd spend half an hour just brushing it while we talked about nothing at all."

Kanaya ran her fingers through Vriska's hair. "Your hair is filthy, by the way," she said, starting to regain her composure.

Vriska laughed. "I know. But I don't want to wash it. I like the way you do it too much."

She looked down at the floor and sighed again. "After that, I realized I couldn't be angry with you. Instead, I was scared. I was terrified that you hated me," she said, her grip on Kanaya tightening the slightest bit, "and that I was going to lose all that forever. Because even though I hated the way you were always bugging me as my moirail, there was always something I liked about you. And it took me until just now to realize what it is."

Kanaya gasped slightly. "You mean..."

Vriska gently unwrapped Kanaya's arms from around her and stepped back, then took her hands. "Kanaya... I'm flushed for you too."

Kanaya's heart soared in her chest. "Really?" she asked, as if it were too good to be true.

"Yes, really," Vriska said, and smiled, and Kanaya realized all over again just how pretty Vriska was when she genuinely smiled.

An atom bomb of emotions exploded in Kanaya's head, and there were suddenly a thousand different things she wanted to say, and she tried her best to say all of them. "Vriska, I'm so happy, and I'm overjoyed, and I've waited so long for this, and there's so much I want to--"

"Kanaya," Vriska said, and Kanaya was instantly silent. She lowered both of their sets of hands, and her smile curled into a smirk. "Shut up and kiss me."

So Kanaya did. She released Vriska's hands and threw her arms around her shoulders, and she kissed her, suddenly and violently and passionately. Vriska was shocked at first by the intensity of it, but soon she was returning Kanaya's affection perfectly in kind, and they shuffled awkwardly about the room until Kanaya pinned them both against the cave wall. Nepeta cheered and clapped the entire time, and by the time Tavros joined in the applause, they were both embarrassed enough to stop. 

Vriska leaned against the cave wall and panted, her cheeks streaked with cerulean and her lips smeared with Kanaya's matching lipstick. "Wow."

Kanaya's face was likewise glowing jade, and she covered her mouth, suppressing a laugh. "Sorry," she said, but obviously not sorry, "I've been waiting a long time for that."

Vriska just grinned. "If I'd known you were such a good kisser, I would have done it sooner, moirails or not."

Kanaya let herself laugh this time, but suddenly stopped and frowned, and her shoulders slumped. "But really, Vriska, I'm sorry to have put you through that."

Vriska kicked herself up from against the wall and grabbed Kanaya's shoulder. "Stop apologizing," she said, looking her in the eyes. "It was both of our faults. Probably even mine more than yours. I was a pretty lousy moirail too."

"Yes, I suppose that's true," Kanaya said, her frown flattening into a near-smirk. "But I think it was simply an issue of compatibility."

"Yeah, I think you're right," Vriska said. She looked at the ground and laughed to herself. "This is gonna sound corny as hell, but honestly, I can't think of anything I want to change about you."

Kanaya laughed. "You're right," she said. "That did sound corny as hell."

"Hey!" Vriska gawked with mock offense, and lightly punched her arm. "Whose side are you on?"

"Yours. From now on," Kanaya said, and wrapped her arms around Vriska, leaning in to kiss her again. This time it was calmer and more controlled, but still lingered with passion. Kanaya grinned and said, "Tell you what. Why don't we go to my hive and I'll make you some new clothes?" She fingered the roughly torn holes in the back of Vriska's jacket. "Maybe something that will accommodate your wings a little better."

"And then what?" Vriska asked with a smirk.

"And then we can both have a dip in the ablution trap, and I'll wash your hair for you, just the way you like," Kanaya said as she brushed her hands through Vriska's hair.

"And then what?" Vriska repeated, still smirking.

"Well, I can't imagine there's much more we could do after that," Kanaya said, and suddenly a devilish grin painted itself on her face. "Though I can think of a few things that might be better done before we participate in any ablutions..."

Vriska's face suddenly turned bright cerulean, and she laughed as she tried desperately to cover her blushing cheeks. "Good lord, Kanaya Maryam, I had no idea you could be so raunchy!"

"I told you," Kanaya said, "I've been waiting a long time for this."

Vriska looked her in the eyes. "I would love that. But there's something else I have to do first. Something for Tavros."

Kanaya removed her arms from around Vriska and clasped both of her hands in her own. "I understand. For what little I know on the subject, I think you'll be great moirails."

"That means more than you realize, Kanaya," Vriska said, and gave her a quick kiss on the lips before she walked back to the table. She pulled the unused chair next to Tavros out, turned it toward him, and sat down.

"Tavros, before anything else, there's something I want to do for you, if you'll let me," she said, her voice completely lacking its previous sharp edge, and filled with genuine sweetness, not the usual saccharine venom of deception. "I want to try to make up for the awful things I've done to you. Maybe not everything, but at least the one worst thing I can think of." She put his hands together and clasped them with her own. "I want you to walk again. And I want you to fly. And I don't mean in your dreams, or in a little rocket car, I mean really fly. But in order for me to help you, you have to trust me." She looked into his eyes, desperate and pleading. "Can you trust me?"

Tavros was silent for a moment, not out of hesitation, but more out of surprise at how this whole chain of events had turned out. Vriska Serket, the girl who broke his legs in a fit of romantic hatred, was now asking him to trust her, and even better, he did, completely and utterly. And most amusing of all, he found himself mentally kicking himself for not letting her murder him on a slab of cold stone earlier.

"Yes," he said, without a trace of doubt in his voice. "I trust you, Vriska."

"Thank you," she said, and she let go of his hands, but not before giving him another fist bunp. She rose from her chair and turned to Nepeta.

"Nepeta..." she started, then gave her a menacing grin. "That was more than eight minutes."

Nepeta gasped and covered her mouth. "Oh no! I'm sorry, Vwiskers, I--"

Vriska gave her a dismissive wave. "I'm just kidding, I don't care about that. I owe you one, Nepeta." She looked to Tavros, and then to Kanaya. "Well, two, actually."

"You don't owe me anything," Nepeta said. "I strongarmed Kanaya into breaking up your meowrallegiance, and then I spurrung this whole ambush on you."

"I'm only counting that as one," Vriska said, crossing her arms.

"Okay, fair enough," Nepeta said with a grin.

"Look, I..." Vriska started, then looked down, fidgeting with the cuffs of her jacket. "Thanks for giving me a chance. I don't think something like this ever would have happened for me without your help."

"It's no purroblem, Vwiskers, really," Nepeta said with a little wave.

"No, really," Vriska said, looking up at her, "you have a gift for this kind of thing. At this rate, you'll have us all shipped up in no time."

"Thank you, Vwiskers," Nepeta said, touching her hand to her chest. "It means a lot coming furom one of my most vocal critics."

Vriska laughed. "Yeah, right. And I'll try not to fill your memos with any more of my self-obsessed bullshit."

Nepeta laughed back. "Hey, as long as you're nice about it, you can say whatefur you want."

"Sure," said Vriska. "Anyway, I think we should go now." She turned to Kanaya. "Kanaya, after I'm done with this, I'll come straight to your hive."

"I'll make sure everything is ready for you," Kanaya said with a slight bow. "Just troll me once you're on your way."

"Of course," said Vriska, and they exchanged a loving wave. She turned to Tavros. "You ready to go, palemate?"

"Yeah, just, uh..." Tavros turned to Nepeta. "Thanks a lot for helping us. Vriska and I both, I mean."

"It's my pleasure, really," Nepeta said, struggling to remain humble. "I just really hope this works out fur you two."

"I think it will," Tavros said with a grin, then backed his rocket chair away from the table. "Okay, I'm ready to fly," he said to Vriska as he hovered toward the hive's entrance.

Vriska hustled up to his side. "Well, you better get ready to walk!" she said with a grin, and they fist bunped once more. She turned her head back to Nepeta. "Thanks again, Nepeta!"

"Bye, you two!" Nepeta shouted to them and waved. "Don't have too much fun!"

The two left, and Nepeta turned her attention to Kanaya. "Nepeta," Kanaya said, and she placed a hand on Nepeta's shoulder. "Thank you so much for this."

"Always glad to help," Nepeta said with a smile, but then tilted her head down and frowned just the slightest bit. "I know how hard it can be, loving someone without them loving you back."

"Nepeta," Kanaya said with a look of concern, "is there someone you feel that way about?"

Nepeta shook her head and gently removed Kanaya's hand from her shoulder. "It's not impurrtant." She looked back up and smiled. "Anyway, you should get back to your hive. You've got a big date to worry about!"

Kanaya laughed softly. "Yes, I suppose so. I hope I didn't get too... graphic when I was describing my plans," she said, and her cheeks faintly glowed jade.

"Hey, don't worry about it," Nepeta said with a laugh. "If I had to wait that long, I'd purrobably have some puretty graphic ideas too!"

Kanaya just nodded and grinned. "Well, if you ever need to talk to someone about your own relationship problems, you may feel free to confide in me."

"Thanks, Kanaya," Nepeta said. "It means a lot, really."

"It's no problem at all," Kanaya assured her. "Anyway, I suppose I should get going."

"Yes, you should!" said Nepeta, and slid an arm around Kanaya's shoulder as she walked her to the entrance. "I think you've got a long night ahead of you!" she said with an impish grin.

Kanaya blushed once more. "Yes, I... think you're right." They reached the door. "Anyway, goodbye, Nepeta. I hope to talk to you again soon."

"Of course! Just keep me updated on the memos!" Nepeta said and opened the door for her.

"I would be happy to," Kanaya said as she stepped out the door. Before she left for good, she turned back once more. "And again, I can't thank you enough for this."

"You're welcome, Kanaya," she said, then added with a smirk, "and I encourage you to have entirely too much fun!"

Kanaya just laughed. "I will take your advice to heart. Once again, farewell."

"Bye, Kanaya!" Nepeta shouted, and gave one last wave and shut the door. As she strutted back into her hive, an immense feeling of satisfaction came over her. It really did feel good to help people with their relationship problems, she thought. Perhaps her ends weren't entirely selfless, but did it matter if the means were good? She pondered the dilemma for a moment, but soon her mind turned to more important matters.

She suddenly realized she was utterly parched.

Well, nothing a nice cup of tea couldn't fix.

***

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

CG: NEPETA, HELP ME THE FUCK OUT HERE.
AC: :33 < uh, sure, karkitty
AC: :33 < what is it?
CG: OKAY, JUST HEAR ME OUT FOR A MINUTE.
CG: A FEW HOURS AGO, VRISKA TROLLED ME ABOUT SOME BULLSHIT PROBLEM OF HERS.
CG: APPARENTLY KANAYA BROKE UP WITH HER, OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT.
CG: SO I DID WHAT ANYONE WOULD DO: I LAUGHED MY ASS OFF AND CALLED HER AN IDIOT.
CG: THEN I TOLD HER IF SHE REALLY NEEDED ADVICE, SHE SHOULD TALK TO YOU.
CG: THEN AN HOUR OR TWO LATER, I JUST HAPPEN TO BE PASSING THROUGH LOSAZ
CG: AND WHO SHOULD I SEE BUT VRISKA, BEING ALL PALE WITH FUCKING TAVROS OF ALL PEOPLE.
CG: SERIOUSLY, THEY WERE FIST BUNPING LIKE NOBODY'S GODDAMNED BUSINESS.
CG: AND ALSO, HIS LEGS WORK NOW??
CG: SO I ASKED HER WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED, AND SHE SAID, AND I QUOTE
CG: "I TOOK YOUR ADVICE."
CG: SO I GUESS WHAT I'M ASKING IS
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO VRISKA?
AC: :33 < i shipped her!
CG: SERIOUSLY?
CG: HER AND TAVROS?
AC: :33 < yep! theyre meowrails now!
CG: SEE, AT FIRST GLANCE, THAT LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING HORRIBLE IDEA.
CG: AND WHEN I FIRST SAW IT, I HONESTLY THOUGHT THAT PARADOX SPACE MIGHT BE PLAYING SOME SORT OF HILARIOUS TRICK ON ME.
CG: BUT APPARENTLY SHE'S SOMEHOW BECOME LESS OF A HORRIBLE FUCKING PERSON THAN SHE WAS JUST HOURS AGO.
AC: :33 < she was nefur a horrible purrson, karkitty!
CG: YES SHE FUCKING WAS, HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THIS.
CG: SHE WAS A HORRIBLE EVIL BITCH TO LITERALLY EVERYONE SHE EVER INTERACTED WITH.
AC: :33 < but that was all just an act!
AC: :33 < she had to act that way to cope with being furced to kill people efurryday just to avoid being culled!
AC: :33 < she wouldnt let herself get close to anypawdy beclaws she was afuraid shed end up hurting them
AC: :33 < so she pushed efurrypawdy away with petty hatred
AC: :33 < and eventually she just internalized it that she couldnt f33l anything but black fur anypawdy, and that she wasnt worth any red f33lings at all!
CG: OH.
CG: THAT'S, UH
CG: SURPRISINGLY CLOSE TO MY OWN THEORY.
CG: I FIGURED THAT THE HATE SIDE OF HER BRAIN WAS SO OVERWORKED THAT IT EVENTUALLY JUST GAVE OUT, AND ALL SHE COULD MANAGE WAS A PATHETIC, WATERED DOWN VERSION OF TRUE CALIGINOUS HATE
CG: AND ON THE FLIP SIDE, THE PITY LOBES OF HER BRAIN HAD ATROPHIED COMPLETELY FROM DISUSE.
AC: :33 < pity?
CG: YOU KNOW, THE WHOLE SMORGASBORD OF EMOTIONS RESPONSIBLE FOR RED ROMANCE, AMONG OTHER THINGS.
AC: :33 < karkitty, thats silly
AC: :33 < redrom isnt about pity, its about love!
CG: OH GOD.
CG: LOOK, I'M NOT ABOUT TO GET INTO THE WHOLE SCHISMATIC DEBATE WITH YOU, OKAY?
CG: LET'S JUST SAY YOU'RE ENTITLED TO YOUR DISGUSTINGLY SACCHARINE OPINION, AND I'M ENTITLED TO MINE.
AC: :33 < okay fine
AC: :33 < can i continue?
CG: SURE, THIS IS ACTUALLY KIND OF INTERESTING.
AC: :33 < anyway, shed convinced herself that she was a bad purrson, and that nobody would ever have red f33lings fur her because efurrypawdy hated her
AC: :33 < so all i had to do was show her she was wrong!
AC: :33 < i showed her she wasnt a bad purrson, and that all she had to do was just reach out to people!
AC: :33 < and i showed her that there were people who had red f33lings for her, like tavros and kanaya!
CG: WAIT, WHAT HAPPENED WITH KANAYA?
AC: :33 < theyre matespurrits now!
CG: WHAT?
CG: I... WHAT?
CG: SERIOUSLY?
AC: :33 < yep! kanaya had b33n flushed fur vwiskers furom the furry beginning!
AC: :33 < and vwiskers actually became flushed fur her too at some point, she just didnt realize it!
CG: HOW THE FUCK DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT THIS?
AC: :33 < well, vwiskers didnt even know herself
AC: :33 < and kanaya nefur told anyone about her f33lings, as fur as i know
CG: NOT EVEN ME? THE RELATIONSHIP GUY?
CG: I FEEL A LITTLE BETRAYED FOR SOME REASON.
AC: :33 < well, im sure if she wanted to tell anypawdy about it, it would have b33n you!
AC: :33 < but i was the furst one to just ask!
CG: HUH.
CG: OKAY, SO THAT'S KIND OF WEIRD, BUT IT'S FINE, I GUESS.
CG: BUT VRISKA AND TAVROS??
CG: AS PALEMATES????
AC: :33 < i know it sounds like a horrible idea
AC: :33 < but vwiskers really did care about tavros!
AC: :33 < all the time when she was flipping betw33n black and red, she always wanted to help him!
AC: :33 < and he really wanted to help her, too!
AC: :33 < all he wanted was fur her to be nicer, and not to hate herself so much!
AC: :33 < so even though she thought she was flushed or black fur him, i knew they were both pale fur each other!
AC: :33 < and all i had to do was show them that!
CG: AND EXACTLY HOW THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT?
AC: :33 < i pawspisticed fur the two of them!
CG: HAHAHAHA, THAT'S HILARIOUS.
CG: OKAY, SERIOUSLY THOUGH, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO.
AC: :33 < seriously, thats what i did!!
CG: BULLSHIT.
CG: I ABSOLUTELY REFUSE TO BELIEVE THAT YOU, NEPETA LEIJON, ARE CAPABLE OF ANY SORT OF ASHEN ADVANCES TOWARD ANYONE.
AC: :33 < its true! you can ask kanaya, she can back me up!
CG: OH, I FUCKING WILL, BELIEVE ME.
CG: ANYWAY, ENOUGH ABOUT THE SPECIFICS OF ALL THIS SHIPPING BULLSHIT.
CG: HOW THE FUCK DID YOU EVEN GET ANY OF THIS THROUGH VRISKA'S INCH-THICK SKULL IN THE FIRST PLACE?
AC: :33 < well, i knew i would nefur be able to get through to her in one of her normal moods
AC: :33 < so, to tell the truth
AC: :33 < i made kanaya break up with her just to make her emotionally susceptible
AC: :33 < beclaws i knew she really cared about kanaya
AC: :33 < so when i dealt with her, she was really depurressed, but open to change
CG: SERIOUSLY?
CG: YOU BROKE HER AND KANAYA UP JUST TO GET HER IN A VULNERABLE STATE?
AC: :33 < im not purroud of it, karkitty!
CG: YOU SHOULD BE, THAT IS FUCKING DEVIOUS.
AC: :33 < yes yes i know!
AC: :33 < anyway, once she was like that, i invited her ofur to my hive
AC: :33 < under the purretenses of a pleasant confursation ofur warm befurages
AC: :33 < and when she got there, i confuronted her on her f33lings and got to the root of her purroblems
AC: :33 < and when she tried to tell me she was a bad purrson, or that she couldnt love anyone, or that efurrypawdy hated her, i refuted her points!
AC: :33 < and i told her all the reasons why she really is a good purrson!
AC: :33 < and after that, she was a little more willing to listen
CG: OKAY, SO LET ME SEE IF I'VE GOT THIS STRAIGHT.
CG: FIRST, YOU MEDDLED WITH HER LOVE LIFE JUST TO GET HER IN A MOPEY, SELF-HATING MOOD
CG: AND THEN YOU INVITED HER OVER FOR A TEA PARTY.
CG: AND THEN WHEN SHE GOT THERE, YOU JUST COMPLETELY FUCKING ANNIHILATED HER WITH PRAISE AND ENCOURAGEMENT.
CG: YOU TOOK VRISKA SERKET AND LOVINGLY RIPPED HER APART, PIECE BY EVERLOVING PIECE, AND RECONSTRUCTED HER IN THE IMAGE OF A GIRL WHO'S SURPRISINGLY NOT BITCHY.
AC: :33 < i didnt reconstruct her, karkitty!
AC: :33 < she was always like that!
AC: :33 < she was just afuraid to show it!
AC: :33 < and all i had to do was show her it was okay to love people!
CG: OKAY, ALLOW ME TO CORRECT MYSELF.
CG: YOU COMPLETELY FUCKING ANNIHILATED THE HARD OUTER SHELL OF THE CREATURE WE KNOW AS VRISKA SERKET WITH HEARTFELT ADULATION.
CG: AND ONCE YOU WERE DONE, ALL THAT WAS LEFT WAS THE BEAUTIFUL, GLISTENING, SURPRISINGLY NOT BITCHY PEARL THAT WAS HIDDEN UNDERNEATH IT ALL ALONG.
CG: AND THEN YOU TOOK HER WEIRD, CONCUPISCENT FEELINGS TOWARDS TAVROS AND STRAIGHTENED THEM OUT INTO A MOIRALLEGIANCE, APPARENTLY UNDER THE GUISE OF AN AUSPISTICE
CG: (I STILL DON'T FUCKING BELIEVE YOU ON THAT, BY THE WAY)
CG: AND THEN YOU SOMEHOW MADE HER REALIZE THAT SHE WAS FLUSHED FOR HER FORMER MOIRAIL, WHO WAS ALSO FLUSHED FOR HER, AND THEY PROCEEDED TO HAVE SLOPPY MAKEOUTS.
AC: :33 < yep!
CG: AND THAT IS ALL EXACTLY HOW IT WENT DOWN.
AC: :33 < puretty much
CG: AND YOU'RE TELLING ME ALL OF THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENED.
CG: IN CONFIDENCE.
AC: :33 < yeah, i guess so!
CG: HOLY SHIT.
CG: <3
AC: :33 < hmmmm?
CG: UHHH, NOTHING.
CG: WELL, LOOK, GOOD JOB ON THAT AND ALL.
CG: I MEAN, TOP OF THE LINE SHIPPING, REALLY.
CG: AND, UH, KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK, I GUESS.
AC: :33 < so you want me to k33p doing my shipping thing?
CG: YES, ABSOLUTELY.
CG: IN FACT, AS YOUR LEADER, I ORDER YOU TO KEEP DOING IT.
CG: JUST SHIP THE FUCK OUT OF ALL OF THESE TROLLS.
AC: :33 < even you?
CG: UH
CG: WELL
AC: :33 < dont worry karkitty, ive got somepawdy special in mind fur you!
CG: THAT IS
CG: ACTUALLY FUCKING TERRIFYING FOR SOME REASON.
AC: :33 < h33 h33!
AC: :33 < anyway, im gonna repurrt the success of opurration: closing the serket on the shipping wall
AC: :33 < so hopefurry ill s33 you there!
CG: UH, YEAH, SURE.
AC: :33 < ok, bye karkitty!

arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG].

CG: I SUDDENLY UNDERSTAND JACK SHIT.
CG: AND SOMEHOW THAT DOESN'T BOTHER ME.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

Chapter Text

Chapter 4

A Thief in the Light, a Prince in the Shadows

CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board :33 < THE SHIPPING WALL.

CAC: :33 < *the rogue of heart sits at her shipping desk, reviewing her relationship charts*
CAC: :33 < *s33ing you enter, she looks up and says*
CAC: :33 < oh hello again! welcome to the second memo!
CAC: :33 < furst of all, thanks to sollux for setting up the tempurral locks!
CAC: :33 < im not really sure how they work, so ill let him explain it
PAST twinArmageddons [PTA] 22 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PTA: iit'2 not that hard to under2tand, really.
PTA: ba2iically anybody further iin the future than 30 miinute2 can't re2pond two the memo.
PTA: and anybody further iin the pa2t than 30 miinute2 can't even viiew iit.
CAC: :33 < yes! thank you sollux
PTA: hey, don't thank me.
PTA: ff wa2 the one twii2tiing my arm iintwo doiing it, for whatever rea2on.
PAST cuttlefishCuller [PCC] 12 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCC: Because NO SPOIL-ERS!
PCC: T)(AT'S C)(---EATING!!
PTA: that ii2 2uch a 2hiity rea2on that iit'2 hone2tly kiind of adorable.
PCC: YOUR STUPID FIS)(Y FAC--E IS S)(ITTY AND ALSO ADORABL--E!!
PTA: eheh yeah, iit kiind of ii2.
PCC: Glub glub glub!! 38D
PCC: ANYWAY, the R-E-EL reason is just to avoid weird time s)(it in general!
PCC: I don't want a sc)(ool of stupid past and future Carpkats invading t)(ese memos too!
PTA: ugh, yeah, kk ii2 ju2t 2o 2tupiid 2ometiime2.
PTA: ii offerred two 2et up blockiing on hii2 2hiitty memo2, but he gave me 2ome bull2hiit excu2e about not wantiing two 2top any future 2elve2 from 2endiing back u2eful adviice.
PTA: truth ii2 ii thiink he get2 off on yelliing at hiim2elf.
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 24 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCG: THAT IS SUCH A HEINOUS FUCKING ACCUSATION THAT I'M HONESTLY NOT SURE WHERE TO BEGIN.
PCG: SO I GUESS I'LL START HERE:
PCG: IF YOU'RE HONESTLY INSINUATING THAT I HAVE ANY SORT OF CALIGINOUS INCLINATIONS TOWARD MY TEMPORALLY DISPLACED SELVES, YOU MUST HAVE YOUR HEAD LODGED SO FAR UP YOUR NOOK THAT YOU MUST BE GENTLY EXFOLIATING YOUR FACE WITH YOUR OWN FECES AS WE SPEAK.
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 18 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: HEY PAST ME, JUST AN UPDATE.
PCG: OH GOD, YOU'RE NOT ABOUT TO PROVE HIS POINT, ARE YOU?
FCG: NO, I JUST WANTED TO LET YOU KNOW THAT HERE IN THE FUTURE, SOLLUX'S HEAD HAS MOVED EVEN FURTHER UP HIS DIGESTIVE TRACT, AND HIS STUPID BESPECTACLED FACE IS STEWING IN HIS OWN DIGESTIVE ACIDS AT THIS VERY MOMENT.
PCG: EXCELLENT, AN EXCHANGE WITH ONE OF MY FUTURE SELVES HAS RESULTED IN ME RECEIVING PERTINENT FUTURE INFORMATION WITHOUT ANY EXCHANGE OF HOSTILITIES WHATSOEVER, PLATONIC OR OTHERWISE.
PCG: SCORE ANOTHER ONE FOR KARKATS EVERYWHEN.
FCG: RIGHT, THE SCORE NOW STANDS AT KARKAT 563, SOLLUX ASSHOLE.
PTA: wow, you iin2ulted me two tiime2 42 miinute2 apart.
PTA: hell2 of u2eful exchange of iinformatiion there, bro.
PTA: fuck iit, relea2e the floodgate2, let'2 ju2t have fiifty fuckiing kk2 iin every memo.
PCG: IT'D BE A HELL OF A LOT FUCKING BETTER THAN FIFTY FUCKING SOLLUXES IN EVERY MEMO.
PCG: JUST AN ENDLESS YELLOW STREAM OF ALTERNATING BLOATED HACKER AUTOFELLATIO AND MISERABLE WHINY SELF-FLAGELLATION.
FCG: OR HEY, HOW ABOUT FIFTY SOLLUXES AND FIFTY FEFERIS?
FCG: TAKE THE TWO MOST ANNOYING FUCKING QUIRKS IN EXISTENCE, PAINT THEM IN EYE-SEARING STRIPES OF MUSTARD AND GRAPEFRUIT, AND UNLEASH THEM UPON THE ENTIRE TIMESTREAM LIKE A SUICIDE-INDUCING PLAGUE.
PCG: HOLY FUCK, I THINK WE MIGHT HAVE A DOOMSDAY SCENARIO ON OUR HANDS.
PCG: HEY ARADIA, ARE THERE ANY TIMELINES WHERE OUR MEMOS GET FLOODED WITH LITTLE MISS FISH PRINCESS AND THE BIPOLAR WONDER'S CONSTANT INSUFFERABLE FLIRTING AND WE ALL GO BLIND?
CURRENT apocalypseArisen [CAA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAA: n0
CAA: thats stupid
CAA ceased responding to memo.
PCG: OH.
PCG: THAT WAS A JOKE, BUT OKAY.
PCC: Ug)(, Karcrab, S)(UT UP!!!
PCC: Multiples of you are bad enoug)( w)(en t)(ey're fig)(ting wit)( eac)( ot)(er, but some)(ow you're even WORS-E w)(en you agree on t)(ings!
PCC: And I'd rat)(er talk to a )(UNDR-ED Solluxes t)(an ANY two of you!!
CAC: :33 < karkitty, i have to agr33
CAC: :33 < this whole thing is getting kind of silly!
PCG: OH, WHAT, SO VRISKA GETS A FREE PASS TO SPOUT HER SOCIOPATHIC DRIVEL ALL OVER YOUR MEMOS, BUT AS SOON AS A FEW KARKATS TRY TO DOUBLE TEAM A SMUG PRICK OF A PROGRAMMER, IT'S SUDDENLY A PROBLEM?
FCG: YEAH, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T NOTICE, SOLLUX WAS SPREADING SOME PRETTY VICIOUS FUCKING LIBEL ABOUT US.
FCG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO, JUST SIT HERE AND TAKE IT?
PCG: OR IS THIS THE PLACE WHERE PEOPLE ARE JUST ALLOWED TO MAKE BASELESS SPECULATION ON WHATEVER IDIOTIC KISMESISSITUDES THEY CAN THINK OF?
PCG: BECAUSE HERE'S ONE: NEPETA <3< BASIC FUCKING DECENCY.
CAC: XOO < rawwrrr shut uuuuuup!!!!
CAC banned PCG from responding to memo.
CAC banned FCG from responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < im trying to make an impurrtant ameowncement, but you k33p pushing it back with your stupid time shit!!
FUTURE centaursTesticle [FCT] 21 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCT: D --> Language, Nepeta
CAC: :33 < oops, sorry equius :((
CAC: :33 < oh, that reminds me!
CAC: :33 < i n33d to talk to you about something!
FCT: D --> Yes, I know
FCT: D --> We have already di%ussed it from my perspe%ive
CAC: :33 < ugh, s33?
CAC: :33 < these self-furfilling time loops are exactly the kind of crap im trying to avoid!!
FCT: D --> Nepeta
CAC: :33 < i know, language, sorry!!
CAC: :33 < is that all you came here fur, to tell me to watch my meowth?
FCT: D --> Well
FCT: D --> That, and possibly to remind you to speak to me
FCT: D --> Time 100ps are admittedly not my area of e%pertise
CAC: :33 < ok, ill talk to you after i close this memo
CAC: :33 < unless you want to stick around fur some shipping advice!
FCT: D --> No
FCT: D --> Abso100tely not
CAC: :33 < come oooooon!
FCT: D --> I refuse to take any further part in this f001ishness
FCT ceased responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < fine, whatefur!
CAC: :33 < anyway, i have an impurrtant ameowncement to make!
CAC: :33 < i hereby ameownce that opurration: closing the serket was a total success!
CAC: :33 < all of her ships have been completely and utterly shipped!
CAC: :33 < and i dont really know why she hasnt respawnded yet!
CURRENT arachnidsGrip [CAG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAG: Yeah, yeah, I'm here!!!!!!!!
CAG: Sorry, I'm just a little lightheaded right now.
CAG: Lost quite a 8it of 8lood recently, haha.
CAC: :33 < oh no really???
CAC: :33 < what happened?
CURRENT grimAuxiliatrix [CGA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CGA: Basilisk Ambush
CAG: Right, that was it, 8asilisk am8ush.
CAG: Sneaky 8astards, those 8asilisks.
CAC: :33 < kanaya! care to break the news yourself?
CGA: With Pleasure
CGA: Vriska And I Are No Longer Moirails
CGA: We Are Now Matesprits
PCC: 38O
PCC: R-E-E-E-ELY??
CAG: Ohhhhhhhh yessssssss.
CAG: >::::D
PCC: W)(ale, t)(at's FINTASTIC!!
PCC: I am SO )(APPY for you two!!!
PTA: ff, ii'm okay wiith beiing happy for ky, but do you really have two be happy for vk?
PCC: Y-ES I DO!!!
PCC: It is a joyous occasion, and I am -EXCIT-ED for ALL PARTI-ES INVOLV-ED!!!
PCC: And if you've got a problem wit)( it, you can just GLUB OFF!
PCC: >38U
CAG: Yeah, Sollux, why don't you just hop off my 8ulge already????????
PTA: oh, for fuck'2 2ake.
PTA: for the la2t tiime, II AM NOT FUCKIING FLIIRTIING WIITH YOU.
CAG: Oh, suuuuuuuure you aren't.
PCC: NOBODY CAR-ES ABOUT T)(IS RIG)(T NOW.
CAC: :33 < yeah, i have to agr33 with fefurry
CAC: :33 < this isnt the time or the place fur blackrom, guys!
CAC: :33 < or platonic hate or whatefur stupid thing it is!
PTA: ugh, whatever. fuck thii2, ii'm out.
PTA ceased responding to memo.
PCC: W)(AL-E FIN-E TH-EN, YOU BIG POUTY J-ERK! 38P
PCC: So )(ow did you two become flus)(ed for eac)( other?
CGA: Well
CGA: To Tell The Truth
CGA: I Have Been From The Very Beginning
PCC: Reely? 38?
CGA: Yes
CGA: I Never Really Wanted To Be Vriskas Moirail In The First Place
PCC: T)(at... explains a lot, actually!
CGA: And While I Ended Up Being A Pretty Terrible Moirail To Her Overall
CGA: I Nonetheless Must Have Succeeded In Ingratiating Myself With Her In My Own Way
CGA: As When I Confessed My Affection For Her She Reciprocated With Remarkably Little Hesitation
CAG: God, Kanaya, you m8ke it sound like I just hopped into your w8ing arms!!!!!!!!
CGA: Well
CGA: You Kind Of Did
CAG: I didn't even!!!!!!!!
PCC: )(-E )(-E )(-E!
CAG: Look, 8efore, Kanaya was just my moirail.
CAG: I regarded her as a nuisance at 8est.
CAG: 8ut there were all these little things I kind of liked about her.
CAG: And in retrospect, all of those things were a little redder than I should have expected from a palem8.
CAG: 8ut I was totally 8lind to it all, 8ecause I'd convinced myself I was a 8ad person and I wasn't worth any8ody's red feelings.
PAST twinArmageddons [PTA] 20 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PTA: who 2ay2 you 2tiill aren't?
CAG: Can it, Captor!!!!!!!!
PTA: eheheh, fuckiing owned.
PTA ceased responding to memo.
CAG: Not flirting with me my ass!!!!!!!!
CAG: Anyway, Nepeta sprang this incredi8ly devious romance am8ush on me, of which I won't reveal too many details in case she wants to do it to some8ody else.
CAC: :33 < that purrobably wont be necessary
CAC: :33 < im k33ping my claws crossed, anyways!
CAG: And she 8asically completely wrecked my shit and showed me what a tool I was 8eing for thinking like that.
CAG: So when Kanaya confessed to me, I realized I could pretty much have all the things I liked a8out her and none of the stupid moirail stuff I h8ted a8out her.
CGA: And We Could Kiss Too
CAG: Oh god, YES.
CAG: I'll admit when I first said I was flushed for her, I was maaaaaaaay8e 88% certain.
CAG: 8ut the kiss sealed the deal pretty much forever.
CAG: Just a heads up to any potential kismesisses: Kanaya Maryam is an amazing fucking kisser.
CAG: And a really good 8iter too, incidentally.
CGA: Vriska That Is Not Information For A Public Forum
CAG: Whoops, sorry.
CGA: No Youre Not
CGA: But Its Okay
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha, yeah, you're right.
PCC: W)(ale, I am R-E-ELY --ECSTATIC for you two!
PCC: And I'm glad somet)(ing good came of your moirallegiance, even if it wasn't w)(at you were expecting!
PCC: But Vriska, if Nepeta really did s)(ip ALL of your s)(ips, then w)(o's your morayeel now?
CAG: Well, I'll just let him introduce himself!
CURRENT adiosToreador [CAT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAT: uH, oKAY,
CAT: i AM THE MOIRAIL,
CAT: iT'S ME,
FUTURE gallowsCalibrator [FGC] 4 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FGC: WH4T!!!!!!!
FGC: YOU H4V3 GOT TO B3 FUCK1NG K1DD1NG M3!!!
CAG: Ugh, I kneeeeeeeew this was going to happen.
FGC: L1K3
FGC: 1S TH1S 4 TH1NG TH4TS 4CTU4LLY H4PP3N1NG?
FGC: N3P3T4, D1D YOU S3R1OUSLY M4K3 TH3S3 TWO MO1R41LS???
CAC: :33 < i know it sounds weird, but yes!
FGC: WHY WOULD YOU 3V3R DO TH4T
FGC: 3V3R
CAC: :33 < maybe you should just ask them!
FGC: F1N3 1 W1LL!
FGC: VR1SK4, WH4TS YOUR 4NGL3 1N 4LL TH1S?
CAG: What angle? There's no angle!
FGC: YOUR D3L1C1OUS BLU3B3RRY T3XT C4NNOT COV3R TH3 FOUL ST3NCH OF YOUR L13S, M1SS S3RK3T!
CAG: Ugh, I'm not lying, I'm serious!!!!!!!!
CAG: All I ever wanted was for Tavros to 8e stronger.
CAG: Nepeta helped me realize that after she completely destroyed me with all her caring words and self-affirming things to say.
FGC: WH4T, D1D SH3 4USP1ST1C3 FOR YOU TWO OR SOM3TH1NG?
CAG: Uh, yeah, that's exactly what she did.
FGC: VR1SK4 WH4T D1D 1 JUST S4Y 4BOUT YOUR ST1NK1NG L13S
CGA: Actually Nepeta Really Did Auspistice The Two Of Them
CGA: And She Was Surprisingly Competent At It Given Her What I Would Assume Is Complete Inexperience
CAC: :33 < thank you, kanaya!
CAC: :33 < it means a lot coming furom the master
CGA: Your Approach Was Undoubtedly Unorthodox
CGA: But Then Again I Have Never Heard Of An Ashen Entanglement Where Moirallegiance Between The Feuding Parties Was The End Goal Or Indeed Even The End Result
CGA: So I Believe Your First Auspisticism May Have Actually Set A Precedent Of Some Sort
CAC: :33 < wow!!
FGC: TH1S 1S SO COMPL3T3LY R1D1CULOUS
FGC: T4VROS WHY TH3 H3LL WOULD YOU GO 4LONG W1TH TH1S??
CAT: wELL, vRISKA REALLY WANTED TO HELP ME,
CAT: aND THERE WERE THINGS i KIND OF LIKED ABOUT HER,
CAT: bUT THERE'S A LOT THAT'S REALLY, mESSED UP ABOUT HER,
CAT: aND, tHE TRUTH IS, i WANTED TO HELP HER TOO,
FGC: SH3S TH3 R34SON YOU N33D H3LP 1N TH3 F1RST PL4C3!!!
FGC: 1 M34N
FGC: WH4T WOULD 4R4D14 TH1NK?
CURRENT apocalypseArisen [CAA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAA: im 0k with it
FGC: UGH
FGC: 1 SHOULD H4V3 S33N TH4T ON3 COM1NG
CAA: believe it 0r n0t i have 0ther things t0 w0rry ab0ut than the relati0nship status 0f my teammates
CAA: like just as an example the fact that this entire timeline is d00med
CAA: like even m0re d00med than usual
CAA: and yet despite that immutable fact it isnt being disp0sed 0f in the manner d00med timelines usually are
CAA: meaning this timeline has p0ssibly attracted the attenti0n 0f s0me unspeakably p0werful extradimensi0nal entity wh0 is pr0bably manipulating it t0 its 0wn inscrutable ends as we speak
FGC: UH
CAA: but d0nt let me interrupt y0u
CAA: clearly the fact that 0ne tr0ll is n0w in a relati0nship with an0ther tr0ll is m0re imp0rtant
CAA: ill simply put 0ff b0thering any 0f y0u ab0ut the inc0mprehensibly p0werful 0therw0rdly being c0ntr0lling the fate 0f 0ur entire existence until y0uve res0lved this issue
CAA: s0 s0rry t0 have tr0ubled y0u with my insignificant pers0nal pr0blems
CAA: ribbit
CAA banned herself from responding to memo.
FGC: ...
FGC: W3LL NOW 1 F33L STUP1D >8[
CAC: :33 < terezi, you kind of are being stupid!
FGC: >8O!!!
FGC: N3P3T4, 1 3XP3CT3D TH1S K1ND OF S4SS FROM VR1SKA, BUT NOT YOU!
CAC: :33 < you arent even giving vwiskers a chance!
CAC: :33 < thats the purroblem, nopawdy was willing to give her a chance!
CAC: :33 < how is she efur suppawsed to change if efurrypawdy just assumed she was irred33mable?
FGC: 1 W4S TH1NK1NG 4 SHOCK COLL4R, M4YB3?
CAC: XOO < no, thats dumb!!
CAC: :33 < she n33ded somepawdy to help her
CAC: :33 < and tavros wanted to help her!
CAC: :33 < and she really wanted to help him too!
CAC: :33 < and maybe their reasons werent entirely pale, but i convinced them the best way to help each other was being meowrails!
CAC: :33 < in fact, im purretty sure vwiskers has already helped him in a really big way!
CAG: Yeah, we took care of that first thing.
CAG: And now my little Pupa really can fly!
CAG: <>
CAT: vRISKA, i BELIEVE WE AGREED,
CAT: yOU WOULDN'T USE, tHAT PARTICULAR ALLUSION YET,
CAG: Oh right, sorry.
FGC: SO YOUR F1RST 4CT 4S H1S MO1R41L W4S TO P1N H1M TO 4 ROCK 4ND ST4B H1M TO D34TH?
FGC: R34LLY PROM1S1NG W4Y TO ST4RT
CAT: tEREZI, i DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND,
CAT: tHIS TRANSFORMATION IS, sYMBOLICALLY SPEAKING, hIGHLY SIGNIFICANT,
FGC: WH4T, HOW
CAT: lOOK, tHINK OF IT THIS WAY,
CAT: bEFORE, kANAYA TOLD ME i SHOULD GIVE MY CONFIDENCE A NAME, sO i NAMED IT rUFIO,
CAT: bUT THE THING IS, rUFIO WAS NOT REAL,
CAT: hE WAS IMAGINARY, a FAKE,
CAT: lIKE A MADE UP FRIEND, tHE WAY FAIRIES ARE,
CAT: bUT THE THING IS, aFTER DOING THIS,
CAT: i HAVE THESE BIG FLAPPY WINGS, aND ALL THESE COOL WIND POWERS,
CAT: sO BASICALLY, fOR ALL INTENTS AND PURPOSES, i AM A FAIRY,
CAT: wHICH MEANS i AM A FAKE, mADE UP THING, bUT ACTUALLY REAL,
CAT: aND THIS IS KIND OF A LOGICAL LEAP, bUT i THINK IT'S FAIR TO ASSUME,
CAT: i AM rUFIO,
CAT: iT'S ME,
CAT: }:)
FGC: ...
FGC: WH4T
CAT: wELL, bASICALLY, wHAT THAT MEANS IS,
CAT: i AM THE ACTUAL, pHYSICAL EMBODIMENT OF MY OWN CONFIDENCE,
FGC: T4VROS TH4T 1S TH3 DUMB3ST TH1NG 1 H4V3 3V3R H34RD
FGC: LOOK, VR1SK4 OBV1OUSLY H4S SOM3 K1ND OF 1NS1D1OUS H1DD3N 4G3ND4 H3RE, 4ND YOU 4R3 PL4Y1NG R1GHT 1NTO H3R H4NDS
CAG: I don't have any insidious hidden agenda!!!!!!!!
CAG: Look, I just........
CAG: I like helping him, okay?
CAG: I kind of........ get off on it in a weird way, honestly.
FGC: BL4R!!!!!
FGC: VR1SK4 TH4T 1S FUCK1NG D1SGUST1NG, WHY WOULD YOU T3LL M3 TH4T
CAG: 8ecause I have no reason to lie a8out something like this!!!!!!!!
CAG: Why would I want ANYONE to think I have a 8izarre fetish for helping adora8le dorky kids 8ecome 8adass immortal demigods unless it was true????????
FGC: W3LL
FGC: 1 4M 4DM1TT3DLY H4V1NG D1FF1CULTY CONC31V1NG 4 PL4N WH1CH H1NG3S UPON BOTH TH4T B31NG F4LS3 4ND 4NYON3 3LS3 TH1NK1NG 1TS TRU3
CAG: Even if I COULD think of a plan like that, I would deli8er8ely not act on it, 8ecause simply 8y definition, it would have to 8e a really shitty, stupid plan.
FGC: OK4Y F1N3
FGC: 1LL 4SSUM3 YOUR3 B31NG G3NU1N3
FGC: FOR NOW
FGC: BUT T4VROS, 4R3 YOU R34LLY OK4Y W1TH TH1S??
FGC: 1 M34N
FGC: SH3 BROK3 YOUR L3GS, FOR FUCKS S4K3!
CAT: tEREZI, tHAT DOESN'T EVEN MATTER ANYMORE,
CAT: i MEAN, yEAH, vRISKA HURT ME BEFORE,
CAT: bUT IN MY OWN WAY, i KIND OF HURT HER, tOO
CAT: bUT nOW WE'RE MOIRAILS,
CAT: aND ALL THAT MATTERS IS, sHE DID SOMETHING AWESOME FOR ME,
CAT: aND NOW i WANT TO DO AWESOME THINGS FOR HER,
CAG: Aaaaaaaaargfsdkhflkhgfssdffa
CAG: Tavros, you have to WARN me 8efore you say something as cool and adora8le and 8adass as that!!!!!!!!
CAG: <>>>>>>>>!!!!!!!!
CAT: hAHA, oKAY,
CAT: <>
FGC: OK4Y OK4Y GOD
FGC: 1 TH1NK 1M GO1NG TO B3 S1CK
FGC: G3T 4 P1L3 4LR34DY
PCC: O)( my COD, you two are SO GLUBBING ADORABL---E!!!!
PCC: I just KNOW you'll be GR-EAT morayeels!
PCC: And Vriska, don't take t)(is t)(e wrong way, but I t)(ink just getting your s)(ips toget)(er )(as made you a muc)( nicer person already!
CAG: No, you're a8solutely right.
CAG: It's kind of hard to 8e in a 8ad mood after a ridiculous cat girl just waltzed into my life and gave me everything I ever wanted 8ut was too afraid to ask for.
CAC: :33 < h33 h33! youre welcome, vwiskers!
FGC: UUUUGH F1N3
FGC: 1LL L3T TH1S L1TTL3 TR4V3STY OF JUST1C3 BY FOR NOW
FGC: BUT VR1SK4
FGC: 1F TH1S TURNS OUT TO B3 Y3T 4NOTH3R OF YOUR W1CK3D SCH3M3S
FGC: 1M M4K1NG 4 NOOS3 3SP3C14LLY FOR YOU
FGC: >8]
CAG: And how can you do THAT when you don't even know how thick around my neck is????????
FGC: UH
FGC: HOW TH1CK 4ROUND 1S YOUR N3CK 4G41N
CGA: I Told You That Yesterday Four Days From Now
FGC: ...WH4T?
CAG: Oh hey, that reminds me!
CAG: Kanaya, when am I going to get that striking cerulean cravat?
CAG: I need something to cover up all these 8ite marks on my neck.
FGC: OH GOD WH4T
CGA: You Mean The Bite Marks From The Recent Basilisk Ambush
CAG: Yes, of course that's what I mean!!!!!!!!
CGA: Well I Suppose I Could Bring My Tailoring Supplies To Your Hive And Make One For You Almost Immediately
CAG: That would be gr8, thank you!
CGA: And In The Unfortunate And Extremely Unlikely Event That Another Basilisk Ambush Should Occur
CGA: You Can All Rest Assured That It Will Be Attended To Immediately And That Not A Single Drop Of Blood That May Be Spilled Will Go To Waste
CGA: <3
CAG: <33333333
FGC: BL444444R!!!!!!
FGC: VR1SK4 1F YOUR PL4N W4S TO D1SGUST M3 1NTO NOT W4NT1NG TO T4LK TO YOU 4NYMOR3
FGC: TH3N 1TS WORK1NG >8[
CAG: I keep telling you, I don't have a plan!!!!!!!!
CAG: Look, I realize I've done a lot of 8ad things, 8ut I'm trying to 8e a 8etter person now.
CAG: And I'm........
CAG: I'm really sorry for 8linding you, Terezi.
CAG: And I'm sorry for what I did to Tavros and Aradia, too.
CAG: And it's pro8a8ly too much for me to ask you to forgive me........
CAG: 8ut can you at least give me a chance to m8ke it up to you?
FGC: ...
FGC: 1LL TH1NK 4BOUT 1T
CAG: That's all I can ask.
CAG: Thank you.
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCG: UGH.
CCG: THIS IS SO WEIRD.
CAG: What's weird?
CCG: THIS WHOLE "YOU BEING NICE" THING.
CCG: I DON'T THINK I'LL EVER GET USED TO IT.
CAG: Well, it's a permanent thing, so you'd 8etter!!!!!!!!
CAG: And if you can't deal with that........
CAG: Well, sorry, I guess.
CCG: IT'S JUST
CCG: SO BIZARRE.
CCG: JEGUS
CCG: I MEAN
CCG: WAIT, WHAT DO I MEAN?
CCG: I'M SO OVERWHELMED, I HAVE TO MAKE UP NEW WORDS TO EXPRESS HOW UNNERVING THIS IS.
FGC: J3GUS
FGC: >8D
FGC: 1 L1K3 1T
FGC: J3333GUUUS
FGC: H3H3H3H3H3
CGA: Okay Vriska If You Were Serious About That Thing With The Cravat Ill Be Over There As Soon As Possible
CAG: Of course I was serious!!!!!!!!
CAG: I never joke a8out fashiona8le accessories.
CAG: Just, in the unfortun8 and extremely unlikely event of a 8asilisk am8ush, could I ask you not to spend toooooooo much time cleaning up after it?
CAG: I've got a 8ig day planned with Tavros.
CAT: yES, wE HAVE A LOT OF ADVENTURING TO DO,
CAT: aND THEN, aFTER THAT,
CAT: wE'LL HAVE OUR FIRST FEELINGS JAM,
CAT: }:D
PCC: Oh S)(-ELL yes.
CGA: Yes Thats Fine
CGA: I Dont Want To Keep You All To Myself
CGA: Well I Mean I Do
CGA: But Im Just Trying To Be Considerate Here
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha, it's okay, Kanaya.
CAG: See you soon.
CGA: I Will Be There Immediately
CAG: <3
CGA: <3
CGA ceased responding to memo.
CAT: sO i SUPPOSE,
CAT: i SHOULD TAKE MY TIME GETTING THERE,
CAG: Yeeeeeeeeah, pro8a8ly.
CAG: 8ut hey! There'll still 8e plenty of time for adventuring!
CAG: We'll do some quests, kill some 8easties, get some loot, may8e even gear you up to kill your Denizen!
CAC: :33 < hey wait, dont kill your denizen!
CAG: Huh? Why not????????
CAC: :33 < well, i mean
CAC: :33 < just talk to it furst, okay?
CAG: Um........ okaaaaaaaay????????
CAC: :33 < just trust me!
CAT: yES, i BELIEVE THAT TRUSTING HER,
CAT: iS THE RIGHT THING TO DO,
CAG: Okay, okay, fine.
CAG: So I'll see you soon?
CAT: yES, i'LL DEPART IMMEDIATELY,
CAT: bUT i WON'T, uH, cOME IN YOUR HIVE,
CAT: uNTIL i SEE kANAYA LEAVE,
CAG: Again, pro8a8ly a good idea.
CAG: I'd h8 for you to stum8le onto the aftermath of a 8asilisk am8ush.
CAT: hAHA, rIGHT,
CAT: sEE YOU SOON, vRISKA,
CAG: Later, palem8!!!!!!!!
CAG: <>
CAT: <>
CAT ceased responding to memo.
CAG: Now, if there are no o8jections, I need to prepare my hive for an impromptu tailoring session.
FGC: Y34H Y34H, TH3 PROS3CUT1ON R3STS
FGC: GO DO WH4T3V3R UNSP34K4BLY D3PR4V3D TH1NGS YOUR3 GO1NG TO DO W1TH K4N4Y4
FGC: BUT JUST R3M3MB3R
FGC: 1N TH3 1NC1P1SPH3R3
FGC: WH3N YOU CROSS TH3 L1N3
FGC: YOUR N3CK 1S M1N3
FGC: >8]
CAG: Okay, Terezi, I get it!!!!!!!!
CAG: Jegus, hop off my 8ulge already!!!!!!!!
FGC: H3H3H3H3H3
FGC: J3GUS
FGC: 1T N3V34 STOPS B31NG 4 FUNNY TH1NG TO R34D
CAG: It DOES seem like an awfully funny word.
CAG: Jeeeeeeeeguuuuuuuus.
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha, it's even funny to type!
CCG: FUCK, WOULD YOU TWO SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT JEGUS ALREADY.
CCG: IT'S NOT A WORD. IT'S NOT EVEN LIKE A WORD.
CCG: IT'S A STUPID MADE UP THING THAT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING, OR EVEN COME CLOSE TO MEANING ANYTHING.
PCC: J-EGUS, Karcrab, you are R-E-ELY getting worked up about Jegus!
CAG: W8, is it a proper noun?
CCG: IT'S NOT ANYTHING, JUST SHUT UP.
PCC: I don't know, it just felt like it s)(ould be carpitalized!
FGC: L3TS JUST S4Y J3GUS 1S 4 P3RSON FOR NOW
FGC: 4ND W3 C4N WORK OUT TH3 R3ST OF TH3 D3T41LS L4T3R
CCG: I FUCKING HATE ALL OF YOU.
PCC: Okay, okay, let's stop being retarded for a minute!
PCC: Vriska, I )(ope your first feelings jam goes SWIMMINGLY!
PCC: And I wis)( you t)(e B-EST of luck in ALL your s)(ips!
CAG: Well, thank you, Feferi!
CAG: 8ut I can assure you, the luck is already all mine! >::::D
PCC: Oh, of COURS-E! )(ow silly of me to forget!
PCC: But )(-EY! After your sc)(edule clears up, do you t)(ink maybe we could... )(ang out or somet)(ing?
PCC: I mean, wit)(out Sollux, since )(e's suc)( a big )(ard)(ead!
CAG: Feferi, correct me if I'm wrong here........
CAG: 8ut are you asking to 8e frieeeeeeeends with me????????
PCC: No, I'm asking to be FRONDS wit)( you!!
PCC: But t)(e only difference is spelling.
CAG: Why, this is so scandalous, I can scarcely 8elieve it!!!!!!!!
CAG: 8ut yeah, that sounds cool.
PCC: AW-ESOM-E! 38D
FCC: But for now, I'll just reef you to your devices!
CAG: Yeah, I'm 8ooked all day today, so just hit me up tomorrow.
CAC: :33 < well vwiskers, have fun!
CAC: :33 < and if you efur n33d any advice with your relationships, f33l fur33 to talk to me!
CAG: Sure thing, Nepeta.
CAG: And thanks again for m8king all this happen for me.
CAC: :33 < well, thank you fur giving me a chance to help you!
CAG: Well, thank YOU for giving me a chance at all!
CAC: :33 < well, thank YOU fur...
CAC: :33 < i cant think of anything after that ://
CAG: Hahahahahahahaha, don't worry a8out it.
CAG: Oh hey, Kanaya's here already!!!!!!!
CAG: L8er!
CAG ceased responding to memo.
FGC: J3GUS
FGC: N3P3T4 WH4T D1D YOU DO TO H3R
CAC: :33 < i just gave her a chance!
FGC: BULLSH1T
FGC: SH3S L1K3 4 COMPL3T3LY D1FF3R3NT P3RSON NOW
FGC: OR 4T L34ST SH3S 4CT1NG L1K3 ON3
CAC: :33 < terezi, she was a nice purrson all along!
CAC: :33 < she just n33ded somepawdy to crack her hard outer shell to reveal the beautiful, glistening, surpurrisingly nice purrl that was hidden underneath all along!
FGC: BL44444R!!!
FGC: 1 DONT W4NT TO 1M4G1N3 VR1SK4 4S 4 B34UT1FUL GL1ST3N1NG 4NYTH1NG!!!
CCG: ALRIGHT LOOK, NOW THAT SPIDERTROLL IS DONE SPOUTING HER SELF-OBSESSED BULLSHIT, IT'S TIME FOR ME TO ISSUE MY FUCKING ORDERS HERE.
CCG: NOT THAT ANYONE IS EVEN PROBABLY STILL READING THIS AFTER BEING FORCED TO SIT THROUGH ALL THAT DISGUSTINGLY SAPPY DRIVEL.
FCC: Well, I t)(oug)(t it was sweet!
CCG: YOU THOUGHT YOUR CHTHONIC ABOMINATION OF A LUSUS WAS SWEET.
CCG: SO YOUR OPINION MEANS PRECISELY FUCK ALL.
FCC: Well, GLUBBING FIN-E T)(-EN! >38U
CCG: AS COMPLETELY IDIOTIC AS IT FEELS TO MAKE THESE WORDS COME FROM MY FINGERS
CCG: NEPETA, KEEP SHIPPING ALL THESE TROLLS.
CCG: JUST SHIP THE FUCK OUT OF ALL OF THEM.
CAC: :33 < sir yes sir!
CAC: :33 < any purrticular trolls you want me to ship furst?
CCG: NO, NOT REALLY, JUST DO WHATEVER.
CAC: :33 < alright!
CAC: :33 < then starting now, ill start doing random shipping sw33ps!
CAC: :33 < so if i come out of nowhere and ask you about your f33lings, dont fureak out and assume ive got some zany plot in store fur you!
CAC: :33 < its all one hundred purrcent random, i assure you!
FGC: WH4T TH3 H3LL 1S 4 SH1PP1NG SW33P
CAC: :33 < its just where i ask you who you might be interested in fur a matespurrit or a meowrail!
CAC: :33 < its all compawletely confurdential, i wont tell anypawdy!
CAC: :33 < well, maybe i will if two people really like each other and are just too dumb to tell each other!
CCG: I HATE TO ADMIT IT, BUT THE IDEA OF "RANDOM SHIPPING SWEEPS" IS SOMEHOW LESS RETARDED THAN IT SOUNDS.
CCG: BUT IT SOUNDS ABOUT AS RETARDED AS A GRUB ON SOPOR, SO DON'T READ TOO MUCH INTO THAT.
FGC: Y34H, 1T ST1LL SOUNDS PR3TTY STUP1D >8/
PCC: It's a GR-EAT idea!
PCC: We all just need somebody to talk to about our feelings!
PCC: And w)(o betta t)(an a searious s)(ipper on a searious mission to s)(ip t)(e fuck out of ALL of t)(ese trolls??
CAC: :33 < exactly!!
FGC: LOOK N3P3T4
FGC: YOUR3 MY FR13ND 4ND 4LL
FGC: BUT TH1S WHOL3 SH1PP1NG QU3ST 1S S3R1OUSLY TH3 DUMB3ST FUCK1NG TH1NG
CCG: HEY, LAY THE FUCK OFF, TEREZI.
FGC: WH4T!!!!
CCG: LOOK, I REALIZE IT SOUNDS STUPID AS HELL, BUT NEPETA KNOWS WHAT THE FUCK SHE'S DOING.
CCG: I MEAN, YOU SAW WHAT SHE FUCKING DID WITH VRISKA, DIDN'T YOU??
CCG: THERE WAS A SERIOUSLY DEGENERATE TRIANGLE GOING ON THERE, AND SHE HANDLED IT WITH A MATCHMAKER'S DEFTNESS THAT WOULD LEAVE TROLL WILL SMITH GREEN IN THE FACE WITH ENVIOUS RAGE.
FGC: 1M ST1LL NOT SO SUR3 4BOUT VR1SK4
CCG: OH, WILL YOU JUST GET OVER YOUR MASSIVE HATEBULGE FOR HER ALREADY??
FGC: >8O!!!!!
FGC: 1TS NOT 3V3N L1K3 TH4T!!!
CCG: WELL THEN WHAT THE HELL IS IT?
CCG: IT DOESN'T TAKE A SEER OF FUCKING MIND TO SEE SHE'S DISGUSTINGLY SERIOUS ABOUT ALL THIS SAPPY ROMANCE SHIT.
CCG: AND I KNOW YOU DON'T EVEN GIVE A FUCK THAT SHE BLINDED YOU.
CCG: SO WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE BUT AN ENORMOUS, THROBBING BLACKCRUSH?
FGC: W3R3NT YOU TH3 ON3 COMPL41N1NG 4BOUT 4BSURD C4L1G1NOUS SP3CULAT1ON JUST MOM3NTS 4GO?
CCG: THAT WAS PAST ME, HE'S COMPLETELY FULL OF SHIT.
CCG: FUTURE ME IS OBVIOUSLY ONLY AGREEING WITH HIM IN THE FUTURE TO MAKE SOLLUX LOOK LIKE AN ASSHOLE.
FGC: UGH WH4T3VER
FGC: JUST DO WH4T3VER TH3 H3LL YOU W4NT N3P3T4
FGC: NOT L1K3 1 C4N STOP YOU
CAC: :33 < youll be singing a diffurent tune after ive shipped you!
FGC: Y3S 1 W1LL
FGC: 1T W1LL B3 4 STUP1D 1D1OT TUN3 FOR STUP1D 1D1OTS
FGC: >8P
FGC ceased responding to memo.
CCG: NEPETA, DON'T LISTEN TO HER, SHE'S JUST PISSED OFF ABOUT VRISKA.
CAC: :33 < yeah, i figured shed be like that
CAC: :33 < but i dont care about anypawdys stupid little grudges!
CAC: :33 < im here to help efurrypawdy!
PCC: You know, Carpkat, you were AWFULLY quick to Nepeta's defense back t)(ere...
CCG: WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
PCC: O)(, not)(ing...
PCC: Glub glub glub! 38D
PCC ceased responding to memo.
CCG: SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
CCG: WHATEVER, YOU HAVE YOUR ORDERS.
CCG: I'M DONE HERE.
CCG ceased responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < alright!
CAC: :33 < look out, trolls, beclaws the rogue of heart is now officially on the purrowl!
CAC: :33 < *the rogue hurries you out of her shipping office and shuts the door, eager to return to her shipping plans*
CAC ceased responding to memo.

CAC closed memo.

***

Nepeta pondered for a moment. Now she had free license to ship whoever she wanted, and all sorts of ships were already forming in her head. But suddenly, she remembered something more important: she still had to talk to Equius! Didn't want to cause a paradox or something silly like that. She quickly opened a new Trollian window and started a conversation with her moirail.

arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT].

AC: :33 < *ac is laying on cts robotics pile, playing with some loose wires furom a ropawtic arm*
CT: D --> Nepeta
AC: :33 < *s33ing ct, she drops the arm and happily pouncegr33ts him!*
CT: D --> If there is a point to this harassment, please get to it
AC: :33 < sh33sh, equius, why are you so grumpy??
CT: D --> I am merely
CT: D --> Irritated
CT: D --> That you would publicly engage in this "shipping" nonsense without my e%press consent
AC: :33 < oh, i didnt even think about that
AC: :33 < sorry :((
CT: D --> I forgive you
CT: D --> But please be more considerate in the future
AC: :33 < okay
AC: :33 < but you know karkitty ordered me to k33p shipping, right?
CT: D --> Yes
CT: D --> I understand he commanded you to focus your efforts on Vriska
CT: D --> And while I would rather you not associate with the cer00lean-b100d at all
CT: D --> It is not my intent to foment sedition
AC: :33 < to what??
CT: D --> Just do the Vriska thing
AC: :33 < oh, i already did!
CT: D --> What
AC: :33 < i already found her a matespurrit and a meowrail
CT: D --> But
CT: D --> You just started yesterday
CT: D --> It's 100dicrous that you could fill her quadrants so quickly
AC: :33 < well i did!
AC: :33 < now kanaya is her matespurrit and tavros is her meowrail
CT: D --> But that's
CT: D --> Give me a moment
AC: :33 < okay
CT: D --> Ok
CT: D --> As preposterous as it sounds, apparently you aren't lying
AC: :33 < of course im not lion!!
CT: D --> But
CT: D --> Vriska is one of the most distin%ly unlikable people I have ever had the displeasure of knowing
CT: D --> Or at least was
CT: D --> How did you do that
AC: :33 < thats what i wanted to talk to you about, actually
CT: D --> Really
AC: :33 < yeah
AC: :33 < s33, i was talking to vwiskers
AC: :33 < trying to help her with her purroblems
AC: :33 < and things got kind of
AC: :33 < uh
AC: :33 < pale
CT: D --> Oh
AC: :33 < yeah ://
CT: D --> Oh my
AC: :33 < im sorry, equius! :((
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> Did she, um
CT: D --> Reciprocate
AC: :33 < no, not really!
AC: :33 < it was all on my end!
CT: D --> Ok
CT: D --> And it was just once, right
AC: :33 < yes!
AC: :33 < well, actually
CT: D --> What
AC: :33 < befur that, i got kind of pale with kanaya, too
CT: D --> I
CT: D --> E%cuse me for a moment
CT: D --> I'm suddenly perspiring
AC: :33 < im really sorry!
AC: :33 < i just wanted to help them so badly!
CT: D --> Nepeta
CT: D --> Do you find my ability as a moirail to be
CT: D --> Inadequate
AC: :33 < no!! its not like that at all!!!
AC: :33 < nopawdy could EFUR replace you as my meowrail!
AC: :33 < beclaws i know nopawdy understands me the way you do!
AC: :33 < i was just trying to help them, thats all!
AC: :33 < i just got a little carried away
CT: D --> So
CT: D --> You were simply following orders
AC: :33 < yes!
CT: D --> And you felt that applying your skills as a moirail was the best way to e%ecute your mission
AC: :33 < i guess, kind of
CT: D --> That is a%eptable
AC: :33 < really?
CT: D --> Your intentions were pure
CT: D --> You were simply carrying out your orders in the way you felt best suited your e%pertise
CT: D --> So yes, it's fine
AC: :33 < well, thank you fur being so understanding, equius!!
CT: D --> You're welcome
CT: D --> Besides, I believe most of our teammates could benefit from the skills of an e%pert moirail
CT: D --> Even if only temporarily
CT: D --> And I believe you will find that as moirails go, you are simply the best there is
AC: :33 < but how can i be the best meowrail
AC: :33 < when clearly YOURE the best meowrail??
CT: D --> No, you are tr00ly the best moirail
CT: D --> It's you
AC: :33 < lets just compurrmise and say were BOTH the best meowrails!
CT: D --> Yes, that is a%eptable
AC: :33 < yes! another misunderstanding conquered!
CT: D --> E%cellent
AC: :33 < <>
CT: D --> <>
CT: D --> Anyway, is that all you wished to di%uss
AC: :33 < well, i guess you havent read the latest memo yet
AC: :33 < but karkitty told me to k33p shipping!
AC: :33 < so maaaaybe
AC: :33 < i could start with you!
CT: D --> No
CT: D --> This is una%eptable
AC: :33 < come oooon!!
CT: D --> If you abso100tely must ship me
CT: D --> You will do it last
AC: :33 < i cant do that!!
AC: :33 < what about second to last?
CT: D --> That is
CT: D --> Unusually specific
CT: D --> But fine
AC: :33 < okay, i wont ship you yet
AC: :33 < but can we at least talk about who i MIGHT ship you with?
CT: D --> Why
AC: :33 < beclaws therell be less options if you wait fur so long!
AC: :33 < you might have to choose betw33n tavros and sollux, or something like that!
CT: D --> Nepeta
CT: D --> I have told you at length not to bring up this nonsensical pairing between me and the mudb100d
AC: :33 < i think youd be cute together!!
CT: D --> No
CT: D --> You will stop
CT: D --> I command you to stop
AC: :33 < okay fine!
AC: :33 < ill admit its a crack ship anyway
CT: D --> It tr00ly perple%es me how you form001ate these absurd pairings
CT: D --> Why can't you ship me with Aradia, for e%ample
CT: D --> Or perhaps the indigo b100d
AC: :33 < beclaws those are both cr33py and weird!!
CT: D --> No they aren't
AC: :33 < yes they are!
CT: D --> No
AC: :33 < yes
CT: D --> No
AC: :33 < yes
CT: D --> They aren't
AC: :33 < yes they totally are!!!
CT: D --> How are they creepy or weird
AC: :33 < you tried to put a chip in aradias heart to make her flushed fur you!!
CT: D --> That was
CT: D --> Admittedly out of line
AC: :33 < anyway, she spends more time slapping you than kissing you!
CT: D --> Some of those slappings were a%idental
AC: :33 < whatefur, just admit it!
AC: :33 < shed rather be your hissmesis than your matespurrit!
CT: D --> No
AC: :33 < yessss yes yes yes!!!!
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> What about the indigo b100d
AC: :33 < you dont even like anything about gamz33!
AC: :33 < all you care about is his stupid blood!
CT: D --> His b100d is not "stupid"
CT: D --> It is the highest, purest b100d a landdweller can possess
CT: D --> It is tr00ly
CT: D --> E%quisite
AC: :33 < cr333333py!!!
CT: D --> It is not creepy
CT: D --> It is the way of our society
AC: :33 < our society doesnt exist anymore, equius!!
CT: D --> So you would have us di%ard all of our e%isting traditions
AC: :33 < no, just the stupid ones like the hemeowspectrum!!
CT: D --> The hemospe%rum is not stupid
AC: :33 < yes it is!!
AC: :33 < its stupid and its unfair and you and that cr33p eridan are the only ones who even give a shit about it anymore!!
CT: D --> Nepeta, watch your language
AC: :33 < ugh, sorry
CT: D --> I refuse to di%uss this any further
AC: :33 < well, we have to di%uss it eventually!
CT: D --> Fine
CT: D --> Later
CT: D --> But if you would not ship me with either of those two
CT: D --> Who would you ship me with
CT: D --> And if you say the fudgeb100d, I am di%onne%ing
AC: :33 < i wasnt going to!
AC: :33 < actually, befur i dealt with vwiskers, my top ship fur your matespurrit was kanaya!
CT: D --> Uh
CT: D --> Really
AC: :33 < yeah!
AC: :33 < beclaws shes really nice and classy and supurr pawlite!
AC: :33 < and you guys could do all sorts of supurr classy stuff together!
CT: D --> As silly as those reasons are
CT: D --> I occasionally interact with Kanaya as her server player
CT: D --> And she is a%ually quite pleasant company
CT: D --> And though she is merely a jadeb100d
CT: D --> She does carry herself with unusual grace
CT: D --> And her position as keeper of the Matriorb is respe%able in its own right
CT: D --> Nepeta, as f001ish as this may sound
CT: D --> That would a%ually be an a%eptable ship
AC: :33 < yeah, s33?
AC: :33 < im better at this than you think!
CT: D --> But now she is with that cer001ean h001igan
CT: D --> So it hardly matters
AC: :33 < well, there are others!
CT: D --> Like who
AC: :33 < hmmmmmm
AC: :33 < what about terezi?
CT: D --> No
CT: D --> I find her fi%ations on roleplaying and punitive violence to be distasteful
CT: D --> And frankly
CT: D --> Her olfactory habits are a bit
CT: D --> Disturbing
AC: :33 < yeah, she is kinda weird
AC: :33 < ooh ooh hey!!
AC: :33 < what about
AC: :33 < you and fefurry?
CT: D --> Uh
CT: D --> The seadweller
AC: :33 < yeah!
CT: D --> Surely you have been sch001fed on the eternal b100d feud between landdwellers and seadwellers
AC: :33 < yeah, but who cares about that!
AC: :33 < shes really nice and sw33t and she has a great sense of humor
AC: :33 < and shes like a purrincess so shes supurr classy and noble purretty much by default!
CT: D --> She is not a princess, she is an heiress
CT: D --> She stands in line to inherit the entirety of the Alternian empire
CT: D --> Due to her royal tyrian b
CT: D --> Oh god
AC: :33 < what?
CT: D --> Her b100d
CT: D --> I hadn't even thought about it
CT: D --> It's just so
CT: D --> E%quisitely purple
AC: :33 < yeah yeah, who cares about her stupid blood?
AC: :33 < she also has an apurreciation for fauna, just like you!
CT: D --> My goodness
CT: D --> The mere thought is making me sweat
AC: :33 < i guess shes in some kind of relationship with sollux right now
AC: :33 < but im not sure if theyre matespurrits or meowrails
CT: D --> Fiddlesti%
CT: D --> I already require a fresh towel
AC: :33 < are you even listening to me??
CT: D --> Yes, sorry, it's just
CT: D --> I'm having such
CT: D --> 100rid thoughts about her b100d
AC: :33 < ugggghhh, you and your cr33py blood fetish again!
CT: D --> It's unthinkable
CT: D --> She's a seadweller
CT: D --> A mortal enemy of landdwellers
CT: D --> But her tyrian b100d is so
CT: D --> So pure
AC: :33 < yknow, with her impurrial blood
AC: :33 < im puretty sure shes naturally dispawsed to being...
AC: :33 < commanding
CT: D --> Hrrrrrk
CT: D --> Oh god
CT: D --> This towel is abso100tely drenched already
CT: D --> Shit
CT: D --> I mean
CT: D --> Oh goodness, pardon my language
CT: D --> This is just
CT: D --> So OBSCENE
AC: :33 < ugh, okay, just stop!!!
AC: :33 < i was just joking!
AC: :33 < god, you are so weird!
CT: D --> Yes
CT: D --> Let's stop talking about this now
AC: :33 < well, thats all we really had to talk about
AC: :33 < oh, except you n33d to read my latest memo!
CT: D --> Why
AC: :33 < beclaws you reminded me to talk to you in the memo
CT: D --> Oh
CT: D --> A time 100p
AC: :33 < at least, i think thats why
AC: :33 < i dont get this weird time shit at all!
CT: D --> Language, Nepeta
AC: :33 < oops, sorry :((
CT: D --> Were you using any of this e%cremental language in your memo
AC: :33 < uh
AC: :33 < well
CT: D --> Gracious, Nepeta, what will I do with you
CT: D --> I can't stop you from col100ding with lowb100ds
CT: D --> But don't let their foul vernacular pol100t your speech
CT: D --> I suppose I'll have to admonish past you in the near future
AC: :33 < yeah, thats actually what you did
AC: :33 < or do, i guess
CT: D --> Oh
AC: :33 < ugh, now i dont know if you respawnded to my memo to remind me to talk to you or to tell me not to cuss!
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> Now I don't either
AC: :33 < time loops are so stupid!!
CT: D --> Yes
CT: D --> That 100% to be something we agree on 100%
AC: :33 < well, i guess ill leave you to do that
CT: D --> Very well
CT: D --> But should you ever need emotional support
CT: D --> You can always 100k to me
AC: :33 < of course! thats what meowrails are fur!
AC: :33 < <>
CT: D --> <>
AC: :33 < talk to you later, equius!
CT: D --> And I will talk to past you immediately, Nepeta
CT: D --> Goodbye

centaursTesticle [CT] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

Nepeta closed the Trollian window with a satisfied sigh. Now that her conscience was clean of possible pale infidelities and Equius had at least mostly approved of her actions, she was free to ship whoever she wanted. She briefly pondered her next move. Should she find a matesprit for Tavros? How about a new moirail for Kanaya? Maybe she should nail down just what's going on between Sollux and Feferi before it complicated things.

But before she could put any of her thoughts into action, a new Trollian window popped up on her screen, dashing her hopes. And as she processed the lines of purple dialogue filling the window, a single thought popped into her mind: Oh god, not this asshole.

(And then another: Language, Nepeta.)

Chapter Text

Chapter 5

Hope Springs Eternal

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

CA: alright i knoww youre done talkin to your swweaty asshole moirail by noww so i need to fuckin talk to you about somethin
CA: an dont evven pretend like youre not there
CA: honestly wwhere the fuck else wwould you evven be
CA: by my wwatch you literally just finished gabbin to him about wwhatevver musclebeast leavvins you twwo jaww about seconds ago
AC: :33 < ugh
AC: :33 < howd you know i just finished talking to equius?
CA: cause he said hed just finished talkin to you 21 minutes in the future on your ridiculous fuckin memo
CA: and that wwas 21 minutes ago
CA: and 21 - 21 = 0 meanin that particular thing is happenin right fuckin noww
CA: wwoww imagine that the seadwweller is capable a elementary temporal reasonin and basic fuckin arithmetic
AC: :33 < so you were just counting down the minutes until you could talk to me?
AC: :33 < you are so cr33py
CA: oh PLEASE nep dont evven assume your of anythin more than marginal fuckin importance to me
CA: i just made a mental note to contact you later wwhile i movved on to more important things i had to do OF WWHICH THERE ARE SEVVERAL
AC: :33 < like what?
AC: :33 < killing angels and drinking soda?
CA: none a your fuckin business alright
CA: as a proper seadwweller ivve alwways got to be makin neww schemes
CA: its nothin a fuckin olivve blooded dreg wwould understand
AC: :33 < ugh, whatefur
AC: :33 < why didnt you respawnd to the memo?
CA: that wwhole thing wwas fuckin disgustin
CA: i dont knoww wwhy vvris of all peoples spillin her fuckin guts out about all her red feelins but the wwhole thing made me wwanna retch
CA: seariously nep wwhat the fuck did you do to my former kismesis
CA: she used to be a proper fuckin scourge a the seas and noww shes more like a wwiggler storybook princess
AC: :33 < i just convinced her to try being nice
AC: :33 < maybe YOU should try it sometime!
CA: yeah fuckin right
CA: the day you sea me bein nice is one day before you sea me swwingin from my hivve by my fuckin neck
AC: :33 < well, it worked fur vwiskers!
AC: :33 < she tried it, and now shes got a loving matespurrit and a pawesome meowrail!
AC: :33 < hows being a big stupid jerk working fur you?
CA: god nep youre gettin really wworked up ovver this
CA: i mean im flattered but honestly i got important fuckin things i wwanted to talk to you about here
AC: :33 < why would you be fl
AC: :33 < uuurrrghrgrhhggh
AC: XOO < ERIDAN I AM NOT FLIRTING WITH YOU!!!
CA: please nep wwere not evven fuckin talkin about this right noww
AC: :33 < ugh
AC: :33 < fur once we agr33 on something
AC: :33 < so what do you want
CA: alright look
CA: i saww wwhat you did to vvris
CA: and by saww it i mean i literally saww the wwhole sappy fuckin disgustin spiel
AC: :33 < what?
AC: :33 < how did you s33 it?
CA: because im your fuckin servver player remember
CA: i can sea evverythin that goes on inside your fuckin hivve
CA: or did you actually fuckin forget about howw i brought you into the game and savved your fuckin life
CA: YOURE FUCKIN WWELCOME BY THE WWAY
AC: :33 < argh, i actually completely furgot about that!! XPP
CA: wwoww THATS a fuckin surprise
AC: :33 < but why were you watching me?
AC: :33 < do you watch me all the time, you big cr33p??
CA: ugh please
CA: i check on it occasionally and most a the time youre not evven there
CA: an evven wwhen you are youre usually doin somethin like paintin on your wwalls or trollin on your grubtop
CA: an then i swwitch it off cause believve it or not i dont get off on wwatchin an autistic cattroll do boring shit
CA: AND NO I DONT WWATCH YOU IN THE HYGIENEBLOCK GIVVE ME A LITTLE FUCKIN CREDIT HERE
CA: but yesterday i saww you wwith tavv an kan an you wwere wworkin on some kinda big devvious plot
CA: so can you blame me for wwantin to sea that shit go dowwn
AC: :33 < yes i can!
AC: :33 < in fact, here i am blaming you right now!
CA: ok nep is that gesture really necessary
AC: :33 < aha! youre watching me right now!
AC: :33 < youre such a big cr33py weirdo jerk!!
CA: really fuckin mature nep
CA: howw wwould you like it if i sent a screenshot a this to your swweaty palepal
CA: im sure hed disapprovve a these lewwd hand formations
CA: wwait i mean 100d
AC: :33 < hed purrobably understand since its directed at you!
CA: alright fine
CA: howw about i send him some evvidence i collected a you wwaxin pale for vvris instead
AC: :33 < what!!!
CA: i havve the screenshots nep
CA: you holdin her hand and lookin like youre about twwo seconds awway from tacklepouncin her into a fuckin pile
CA: really scandalous stuff i can assure you
AC: :33 < eridan, are you seriously trying to blackmail me???
CA: blackmails such an ugly wword
CA: wwait wwhat am i sayin blackmails a beautiful fuckin wword
CA: so yes im blackmailin you
AC: :33 < well too bad!!
AC: :33 < beclaws thats what i was talking to equius about and he completely understood!
CA: oh please
CA: nep thats such a fuckin transparent bluff
AC: :33 < send it to him, s33 if i care!
CA: im wwarnin you nep this wwill completely destroy you
AC: :33 < just do it, ampurra
CA: wwell dont say i didnt wwarn you
CA: sendin it noww
AC: :33 < good!
CA: ok
CA: uh wwoww
CA: holy shit nep i had no idea eq wwas capable a bein so fuckin rude
CA: like hes threatenin to rip my fuckin throat out for evven snoopin on you like that
CA: aaand he just blocked me
AC: :33 < h33 h33, told you so!
CA: wwell shit
AC: :33 < dont you mean
AC: :33 < whale shit??
CA: look nep leavve the nautical puns to the fuckin seadwwellers alright
AC: :33 < i guess i just took the WIND OUT OF YOUR SAILS
AC: :33 < and now youre DEAD IN THE WATER
CA: ugh
AC: :33 < you shouldve known that LOOSE LIPS SINK SHIPS
CA: ok holy shit just fuckin stop already please
AC: :33 < and why should i, eridan?
AC: :33 < or would you purrfur i just block you instead?
AC: :33 < beclaws i dont really f33l like doing anything fur you right now!
CA: alright look
CA: extortion didnt wwork
CA: but im not too proud to beg
CA: so please nep youvve gotta fuckin help me
AC: :33 < why?
CA: because im a miserable fuckin wwreck
CA: all i evver did since the beginnin a this fuckin game wwas alienate evverybody around me
CA: an noww im stuck on this shitty fuckin planet killin fuckin angels wwith this shitty fuckin gun and nobodys evven wwillin to givve me the time a fuckin night
CA: an i cant fuckin take it anymore
CA: im so lonely nep
CA: please
AC: :33 < well...
AC: :33 < why do you want my help?
AC: :33 < im just a stupid kittycat shipper cave girl, arent i?
CA: nep no i
CA: look just hear me out here alright
CA: i saww the wway you handled vvris
CA: and it wwas the most amazin fuckin thing ivve evver seen
CA: you wworked your heart magic on her like a proper fuckin wwizard a the quadrants
CA: wwait i mean
CA: you wworked your heart science on her like a proper fuckin empiricist a the quadrants
CA: wweavvin black into pale and pale into red like a fuckin alchemist
CA: wwait shit alchemys just the fake magic vversion a chemistry
AC: :33 < whats your point here?
CA: my point is i saww what you did for kan and vvris
CA: an i wwant you to do that for me and fef
CA: i wwant you to make her flushed for me
AC: :33 < i cant make fefurry do anything!
CA: wwhy the fuck not
CA: you did it to vvris didnt you
AC: :33 < i didnt make vwiskers do anything either!
AC: :33 < i didnt use some magic spell to make her fall fur kanaya or something stupid like that!
CA: oh come on nep im not suggestin you used any kinda magic
CA: but clearly you did somethin
AC: :33 < look, vwiskers always liked kanaya
AC: :33 < she just didnt think she was flushed fur her
AC: :33 < beclaws she didnt think she could have red f33lings fur anypawdy!
AC: :33 < all i did was show her that she already did
AC: :33 < fur kanaya and tavros both!
CA: ok so do that for fef
AC: :33 < but i dont know if fefurry actually likes you like that!
CA: sure she does
CA: i mean kan broke up her moirallegiance wwith vvris cause she wwanted to be her matesprit right
CA: wwho says fef isnt doin the same thing
AC: :33 < i think fefurry wouldve b33n a little more furthcoming about it than that
CA: wwhat the fuck does that evven mean
AC: :33 < it just s33ms like shed be a little more direct!
AC: :33 < i mean, kanayas always kind of cagey and withdrawn
AC: :33 < but fefurry purretty much wears her heart on her sl33ve
AC: :33 < oh wait, she doesnt even have sl33ves!
AC: :33 < if she liked you like that, i dont think shed really have any reason withhold it furom you
CA: so youre sayin she doesnt lovve me
CA: or pity me or wwhatevver fuckin wword wwere usin here
AC: :33 < im not saying that!
AC: :33 < im just not sure if shes flushed fur you
CA: howw is that any fuckin different from wwhat i just said
AC: :33 < theres other kinds of love besides flushed love!
CA: I DONT WWANT ANY OTHER KIND OF FUCKIN LOVVE
CA: all i wwant is for her to be my matesprit
CA: i just
CA: im so flushed for her it physically fuckin hurts
CA: please nep youvve got to at least try to get her to lovve me
AC: :33 < alright, look
AC: :33 < ill talk to her, okay?
AC: :33 < ill s33 if she could maybe be flushed fur you
CA: wwhat youre just gonna ask her about me
CA: that seems kinda obvvious
AC: :33 < i wont just ask about you!
AC: :33 < itll be a random shipping sw33p
AC: :33 < just not so random
AC: :33 < ill ask her about both her quadrants and s33 who she might be interested in in general
CA: alright fine
CA: just dont go plantin any ridiculous shippin ideas in her head
AC: :33 < ill do my best!
CA: oh and
CA: uh
CA: thanks nep
AC: :33 < yeah, no purroblem, i guess
AC: :33 < ill just open another window now
AC: :33 < brb

arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC].

AC: :33 < *AWOOOOOGA! AWOOOOOGA!*
AC: :33 < attention citizen!
CC: Glub??
AC: :33 < you are now being subjected to a random shipping sw33p!
AC: :33 < do not attempt to resist!!
CC: O)( no, not a random s)(ipping sweep!
CC: Now all my )(ig)(ly illicit and dubiously legal s)(ips are S)(OR-E to be confiscated!!!
AC: :33 < we will now conduct a full body search!
AC: :33 < please remove your clothes!!
CC: 38O!!!!!
AC: :33 < h33 h33, just kidding!
CC: W)(ale I s)(ould s)(ore )(OP-E so!!!!
CC: W)(ere would I even keep a s)(ip in my clot)(es??
AC: :33 < are you kidding me??
AC: :33 < you could hide a whole fl33t in that goofy skirt of yours!
CC: )(--EY!
CC: It's a little somet)(ing called STYL-E!!
CC: And t)(is skirt was totally IN t)(e day everybody on Alternia died!
CC: W)(ic)( means it'll stay IN pretty muc)( forever!!!
AC: :33 < okay okay, enough talk about fashion
AC: :33 < i have some shipping to do!
CC: Very w)(ale.
CC: I t)(row myself upon t)(e mercy of t)(e s)(ipping court!
AC: :33 < the shipping court HAS no mercy!
CC: O)( no!!! 38C
AC: :33 < now, to begin
AC: :33 < i suppawse we should start with the pawbvious question
AC: :33 < whats up with you and sollux?
CC: Yea)(, I guess t)(at is t)(e obvious place to start.
CC: I mean, I R-E-ELY like Sollux. I do!!
CC: But I'm not reely s)(ore w)(at quadrant we're in!
AC: :33 < really?
CC: Yea)(! I mean...
CC: I've asked )(im about it, but )(e's never given me a straig)(t answer.
CC: I T)(INK )(e wants to be matesprits, but )(e's never tried to make it offis)(ial!
AC: :33 < huh, that's weird
AC: :33 < what do you want to be?
CC: T)(at's t)(e t)(ing. I don't reely )(AV-E a preference!
CC: I'd be )(appy being matesprits OR morayeels!
AC: :33 < really?
AC: :33 < youd be okay with being his meowrail?
CC: I wouldn't just be OKAY wit)( it!
CC: I'd LOV-E to be )(is morayeel!
AC: :33 < wow, thats a really rare attitude to s33!
AC: :33 < it s33ms like most trolls think meowrallegiance is worse than matespurritship somehow
CC: W)(ale, most trolls are just DUMB!
CC: Moirallegiance is just as good as matesprits)(ip! Maybe even B-ETTA!
AC: :33 < oh, i agr33!!
AC: :33 < i think equius has done more fur me than any matespurrit ever could!
AC: :33 < i mean, sometimes we get on each others nerves
AC: :33 < but were both a meowllion times better off fur being together!
CC: --EXACTLY!!
CC: I reely envy you sometimes, Nepeta! You and -Equius are suc)( GR-EAT morayeels!
CC: I wis)( I could )(ave somet)(ing like t)(at wit)( Sollux...
AC: :33 < really?
CC: But I'd love to be )(is matesprit, too!!
CC: I just t)(ink )(e reely needs a morayeel.
CC: We're )(appy toget)(er most of t)(e time, but sometimes )(e's so mopey and miserable, it just drives me CRAZY!
AC: :33 < yeah, hes really moody sometimes
AC: :33 < maybe ill talk to him about it when his shipping sw33p comes up!
CC: O)( COD, )(e's not gonna like T)(AT...
AC: :33 < well he can just deal with it!!!
CC: )(a)(a)(a, Y-EA)(! T)(AT'S t)(e spirit!!
CC: Glub glub glub!! 38D
AC: :33 < well, i guess well leave that in the air fur now
AC: :33 < now, to move on to the next most purressing issue...
CC: -Eridan?
AC: :33 < yeah ://
CC: *SIIIG)(...*
CC: I suppose it's inevitable.
CC: Are any of t)(ese t)(oug)(ts going to find t)(eir way to )(im, by any c)(ance?
AC: :33 < only if you think itll help
CC: ...
CC: You know, maybe it will.
CC: I just don't t)(ink I could ever be in a romantic relations)(ip wit)( )(im.
AC: :33 < really?
AC: :33 < why not?
CC: W)(ale, it's just...
CC: Before t)(e game, I tried R-E-ELY )(ard to be a good morayeel.
CC: But )(e foug)(t me every step of t)(e way!
CC: And it just got -EX)(AUSTING trying to keep )(im out of trouble w)(ile )(e was constantly resisting!
CC: I mean, I t)(oug)(t )(e )(AT-ED me!
CC: I figured )(e was just -ENDURING me in t)(e way only a particularly dangerous morayeel can.
CC: After we entered t)(e game, I figured ending our moirallegiance would be doing )(im a FAVOR!
CC: W)(en )(e confessed )(e was flus)(ed for me, I was )(onestly s)(ocked!
AC: :33 < so you dont want to be his meowrail?
CC: Definitely not.
AC: :33 < could you s33 yourself being his matespurrit?
CC: I... w)(ale...
CC: Did )(e put you up to t)(is?
CC: Is )(e suggesting I broke up wit)( )(im as a part of some Kanayaesque quadrant-flipping gambit?
AC: :33 < is kanayaesque a word now?
CC: Y-ES! Please update your dictionary.
AC: :33 < h33 h33, furst thing!
AC: :33 < anyway no, im just curious
CC: W)(ale, t)(e t)(ing is...
CC: T)(is is going to sound )(orrible of me, but...
CC: After everyt)(ing )(e put me t)(roug)( as )(is moirail, it's INCR-EDIBLY )(ard not to resent )(im for it.
CC: I mean, I looked after )(im for SW-E-EPS, and it was like )(e didn't even care about me!
CC: No matter )(ow )(ard I tried to crack )(is s)(ell, )(e was ALWAYS walling me out wit)( )(is endless emotional t)(eatrics!
CC: And w)(en I was t)(e one w)(o needed support, )(e acted t)(e same way!
CC: Our moirallegiance was always completely one-sided.
CC: )(ow do I know our matesprits)(ip wouldn't be t)(e same?
CC: I mean, I know )(e wants me to love )(im, but w)(o says )(e'll R-E-ELY love me back?
CC: I just...
CC: I don't t)(ink I can trust )(im.
AC: :33 < wow...
AC: :33 < im sorry, fefurry :((
CC: No no no, I'M sorry! I'm talking your fins off about my stupid relations)(ip baggage!
AC: :33 < hey, thats what im here fur!
CC: Still, I feel bad for unloading on you like t)(at.
CC: I mean, I don't )(ate -Eridan. I still want )(im to be )(appy.
CC: I want )(im to find a matesprit w)(o reely loves )(im.
CC: I just don't t)(ink it can be me. 38(
AC: :33 < its okay, fefurry
AC: :33 < you cant furce things like this
AC: :33 < anyway, ill find a really good matespurrit fur him, trust me!
CC: W)(ale, I'm S)(O-RE you can find someone WOND-ERFUL for )(im!
CC: If anyone can, it's you!
AC: :33 < thank you, fefurry!
CC: Glub glub! 38)
AC: :33 < anyway, enough about eridan
AC: :33 < are there any other candidates fur your ships?
CC: )(mmm, I don't know! I )(aven't t)(oug)(t about it all t)(at muc)(!
CC: -Especially since I'm not really s)(ore w)(at's going on between me and Sollux!
AC: :33 < well, lets start with matespurrits furst
AC: :33 < any ideas?
CC: Besides Sollux, not reely!
CC: Do you )(ave anyt)(ing on your wall for me?
AC: :33 < well, befur i shipped her with kanaya, my otp fur you was with vwiskers!
CC: R-E-ELY??
AC: :33 < yeah! beclaws youre both fun and adventurous and you love the ocean!
AC: :33 < and shes a tough, battle hardened pirate and youre a nice bubbly princess with the weirdest dark streak, and i think youd just play off each other really nicely!
CC: ...I can sea it, actually.
AC: :33 < i imagine you two pirating together, taking purrisoners and f33ding their lususes to yours, then taking the captives back to her hive
AC: :33 < then you talk about what a big dork eridan is while you brush each others hair, beclaws you both have really long hair and i think its cute fur some reason
AC: :33 < and then she offers you a flagon of mead, and of course you accept, because itd be impawlite to refuse
AC: :33 < and after your third cup, you suddenly find yourself falling on top of her, and she just looks up at you with a mischievous grin as she slides her hand under your
AC: :33 < er
CC: 38|
AC: :33 < uh
CC: It sounds like you've put...
CC: A LOT of t)(oug)(t into t)(is.
AC: :33 < i
AC: :33 < may or may not have written a piece of fiction about it
CC: I... sea.
AC: :33 < anyway lets talk about something else now!!
AC: :33 < since shes with kanaya now and therefur thats pawbviously something thats nefur going to catpun so we dont have to talk about it efur again!!!
CC: Yes okay let's do t)(at!!!!!
CC: Any ot)(er suggestions?
AC: :33 < well, this is gonna sound goofy
AC: :33 < but what about equius?
CC: -Equius? I )(adn't ever really t)(oug)(t about )(im like t)(at.
AC: :33 < well, i know he s33ms like kind of a cr33py jerk
AC: :33 < but hes actually a really nice, considerate, noble guy if you can get past that!
AC: :33 < and he has an apurreciation for fauna, kind of like you!
AC: :33 < and i can tell you hes a GREAT meowrail, fur what thats worth!
CC: Wow, Nepeta, you're R-E-ELY trying to sell me on )(im!
AC: :33 < well, yeah, kinda
AC: :33 < all his other matespurrit ships are cr33py and weird!
CC: I don't know, isn't )(e kind of a )(emospectrum purist?
CC: And doesn't )(e )(ave somet)(ing against seadwellers? -Eridan was always carping about )(ow "disrespectful" )(e was.
CC: I'm not s)(ore we'd be t)(at compatible. 38/
AC: :33 < yeah, hes really stubborn about stupid traditions
AC: :33 < but maybe i can make him change!
AC: :33 < im his meowrail, after all, thats what im suppawsed to do!
CC: W)(ale, it's wort)( a s)(ot!
CC: )(eck, I t)(ink you s)(ould do t)(at even if you AR-EN'T s)(ipping )(im wit)( me!
CC: T)(e )(emospectrum is stupid anyway!
AC: :33 < i agr33 completely!
AC: :33 < but lets put that ship aside fur now
CC: Yea)(, okay.
AC: :33 < actually, i cant really think of anypawdy else fur your flushed quadrant
AC: :33 < tavros, maybe?
CC: Tavros seems nice, I guess, but I don't reely know )(im all t)(at well.
AC: :33 < yeah, its kind of hard shipping fur you, since you nefur really got to know most of us all that well!
CC: Guilty as c)(arged. One of t)(e many drawbacks to being royalty.
CC: W)(ale, w)(at about my pale quadrant? Any ideas t)(ere?
AC: :33 < just a few
AC: :33 < what do you think of kanaya?
CC: Kanaya's cool, I guess! I talked to )(er occasionally before t)(e game started.
CC: I'm not s)(ore )(ow muc)( kelp s)(e'd really need from me, t)(oug)(.
CC: S)(e seems pretty well-adjusted as it is!
AC: :33 < well, shes not really furthcoming about her purroblems
AC: :33 < im sure she has plenty!
AC: :33 < theyre just not really pawbvious
CC: I'd probably be a bad morayeel for )(er, t)(en. I'm T-ERRIBL-E about reading people t)(at deeply!
AC: :33 < yeah, maybe
AC: :33 < hey, what about karkitty?
AC: :33 < hes really upfront about his purroblems!
CC: )(a)(a)(a, o)( COD, I'd probably drive )(im CRAZY!
CC: )(e'd just be like, "HEY FUCKASS, STOP BEING SO FUCKING NICE ALL THE TIME, FUCK FUCK FUCK"
AC: :33 < h33 h33! yeah, purrobably!
CC: I'd be willing to be )(is morayeel, I guess, but I'm not s)(ore )(e'd be willing to let me!
AC: :33 < hmmm, maybe not
AC: :33 < well, thats all ive got, really
AC: :33 < unless you can think of anypawdy else?
CC: No, not reely!
AC: :33 < huh, i guess this sw33p wasnt that purrductive at all!
CC: It's okay!
CC: I mean, I've already KIND OF got one quadrant filled already!
AC: :33 < yeah, i guess
AC: :33 < i really hope you and sollux can figure that out!
CC: I )(ope so too!
CC: I'll talk to )(im about it again, and )(opefully )(e won't be suc)( a big )(ard)(ead about it t)(is time!
AC: :33 < yeah, ill get to him eventually, too!
AC: :33 < anyway, im done here, so i guess ill let you go!
CC: )(ey, wait!
CC: Before you go...
CC: W)(ale...
AC: :33 < hmmm?
CC: Could you, maybe...
CC: Send me t)(at... certain piece of fiction?
AC: :33 < :oo
AC: :33 < really??
CC: Yes reely, just send it!
AC: :33 < well, okay...
-- arsenicCatnip [AC] sent cuttlefishCuller [CC] the file "maiden voyage (vs/fp) [tw: dubcon, bloodplay].doc" --
AC: :33 < its one of my older works, so the writing isnt the greatest
AC: :33 < and please dont send it to anypawdy else, okay??
AC: :33 < i dont want word of my rpf getting out!
AC: :33 < fefurry are you there
CC:   38O
CC:  38:O
CC: 38 :O
CC: Nepeta, t)(is is...
CC: T)(is is OBSC-EN-E!
AC: :33 < sorry!
CC: And for some reason... INCR-EDIBLY arousing!
AC: :33 < oh god
AC: :33 < im thinking i should leave now
CC: T)(anks for t)(e fic!
CC: Wait, )(ow do I make a winking goggles emoticon?
CC: 3P)
CC: T)(at's not very good, but it'll )(ave to do.
AC: :33 < okay yeah bye!!!!!

arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC].

CA: good lord youre takin your swweet fuckin time here
CA: wwhat the fuck are you twwo evven talkin about
CA: howw long does one a these shippin swweeps normally take
CA: assumin theyre a thing youvve evven done before
CA: wwhich i suddenly realize is a fuckin stupid thing to assume
CA: seein as you literally just announced youd start doin em like fivve fuckin minutes ago
CA: god damnit
CA: ok seariously wwhats the fuckin holdup
CA: are you twwo wwritin some kinda horrible fanfiction together or somethin
CA: i cant sea howw else this could possibly take this fuckin long
AC: :33 < there was absolutely no fiction involved!!!!!
CA: wwhoa ok
CA: wwell wwhatd she say
CA: is she wwillin to givve me a chance
AC: :33 < um...
AC: :33 < no
CA: wwhat
CA: thats it just fuckin no
CA: really shes not evven wwillin to consider it
AC: :33 < i dont think shell efur be flushed fur you
AC: :33 < im sorry eridan :((
CA: WWHAT
CA: i
CA: seariously youre that fuckin confident
CA: did you evven fuckin try to convvince her
AC: :33 < i think you should just s33 what she said
-- arsenicCatnip [AC] sent caligulasAquarium [CA] the file "sorryeridan.txt" --
CA: oh god
CA: she resents me
CA: she cant trust me
CA: she thinks i HATED her
CA: i
CA: fuck
CA: this is all my fuckin fault isnt it
CA: ivve been sabotagin evverythin for myself from the fuckin beginnin wwith my constant fuckin emotional theatrics
CA: god
CA: i cannot BELIEVVE wwhat a complete fuckup i am
AC: :33 < its okay, eridan
CA: howw the fuck is it fuckin ok in any fuckin wway wwhatsoevver
AC: :33 < maybe fefurry doesnt want to be your matespurrit
AC: :33 < but she still wants you to be happy!
AC: :33 < she wants you to find another matespurrit
AC: :33 < and i do too!
CA: I DONT WWANT ANOTHER FUCKIN MATESPRIT
CA: all i wwant is her
CA: thats all i evver fuckin wwanted
CA: an noww that i knoww for a fact i cant fuckin havve her i dont sea the fuckin point anymore
CA: may as wwell just check out noww and savve myself the rest a my fuckin useless life
AC: :33 < what????
CA: fef wwas the only thing that made my life wworth livvin
CA: an if shell nevver be mine in this life i may as wwell just end it noww
CA: just step out a my hivve and let the angels kill me
AC: oh for fucks sake, would you just STOP IT!!!!!
CA: wwwwhat
AC: this is just more of your overdramatic bullshit!!
AC: youre not going to kill yourself over a fucking breakup!!
AC: its not the end of the world! its not even the end of your relationship with her!!
AC: she said she wants you to be happy! she said she doesnt hate you!
AC: did you ever consider being friends with her?
AC: have you even tried to talk to her since she broke up with you??
CA: wwell
CA: once or twwice but not really
AC: well why not???
CA: you dont understand nep
CA: it fuckin hurts to evven talk to her
AC: well, why would you want to be with her if it hurts to talk with her???
AC: did you even enjoy talking to her when you were moirails??
AC: i mean at all??
CA: no it wwas a fuckin chore
CA: she wwas alwways hasslin me and basically constantly givvin me shit ovver all my goals and aspirations
AC: so why do you think everything would suddenly become perfect if you were matesprits???
CA: because moirails havve to givve you shit about stuff like that
AC: and what would she do if she was your matesprit? just ignore it??
AC: she was giving you shit about it because she HATED It, and she couldnt get over it, and she wanted it to change!
AC: i mean, youre a racist genocidal hemospectrum worshipper whos constantly trying to kill all landdwellers
AC: and shes a peace loving all accepting heiress who wants to throw out the hemospectrum and couldnt bring herself to harm a cuttlefish!
AC: literally the only thing you have in common is that youre seadwellers!
AC: how could you POSSIBLY put aside your differences to be matesprits??
CA: wwell
CA: i guess it wwouldnt be easy
AC: it wouldnt even happen!!
AC: i mean, what do you even like about her??
AC: what is it thats so fucking great about her that you wont even give the other eight eligible trolls out there an ounce of consideration???
CA: wwell i mean
CA: shes swweet an shes smart an shes funny
CA: theres no shortage a things to like about her shes perfect
AC: SHE IS NOT PERFECT!!!!!!
AC: shes not the flawless goddess you make her out to be, shes just a person!!!
AC: and there are all sorts of things about her that you probably hate but you wont admit to because youve built her up in your mind as the ideal matesprit!!
AC: shes naive and overbearing and condescending and obnoxious and really pretty insensitive sometimes!
CA: wwhoa nep wwhat the hell
AC: im not saying shes a bad person, its just that she has failings!
AC: there are all sorts of things you hate about her and you damn well know it, but youre just ignoring them because you think itll all go away once shes your matesprit!
AC: well guess what, it doesnt fucking work that way!!!
AC: if you ever actually did become matesprits, youd realize all the things about her you cant stand, and shed see everything she hates about you, and the whole thing would just collapse!
AC: because frankly, you two would be fucking TERRIBLE for each other!
AC: there are so many deal breakers for the both of you that its a wonder that youre not fucking kismessises by now!!!
AC: but none of that even occurred to you, because you never even cared about her!!
AC: all you cared about was this big perfect matespritship youd built up in your head!
AC: i mean, have you seen the words youve been using?
AC: you want to have her, and to make her yours, like shes a fucking object that you can possess???
AC: shes a person, eridan!! with feelings!!
AC: and you can never have her as a matesprit if she doesnt love you, and she doesn't!!!
AC: and if you still want her, well, stop wanting that!!
AC: you two were never meant to be matesprits in the first place, and its completely obvious to everyone but you!!!
AC: its not fate, its not destiny, its not serendipity, its not true love transcending all boundaries, its just a stupid idea you got so worked up over that you thought it was the end all be all of existence!!
AC: she doesnt love you, and you dont even love her, so just fucking DEAL WITH IT!!!!!
AC: there are other trolls out there, and frankly, every single one of them is a better match for you than her!
AC: so just get over it, move on, find somebody else to be your matesprit, and get on with your fucking life!!
AC: and for fucks sake, DONT FUCKING KILL YOURSELF, YOU STUPID PIECE OF SHIT!!!!!!!
CA: i
CA: nep
CA: holy shit
AC: :33 < ...sorry
CA: no i mean
CA: youre right
CA: youre absolutely fuckin right about evverythin you just said
CA: shes not wworth this
CA: not wworth takin my fuckin life ovver in any case
CA: but
CA: it hurts nep
CA: knowwin wwhat an unbelievvable hurtful piece a shit i wwas
CA: i mean i knoww i already burned my bridge wwith fef
CA: an im better off just findin another one instead a tryin to rebuild it from the charred fuckin cinders
CA: an im really fuckin sorry in advvance for ovverextendin this awwful fuckin metaphor
CA: but howw do i knoww i can evven set foot on another bridge wwithout settin it ablaze too
AC: :33 < what do you mean?
CA: ugh i kneww that metaphor wwas a piece a shit
CA: wwhat im sayin is fef is the swweetest nicest troll i evver kneww
CA: fivve minutes ago id a said present company excluded but good lord girl youvve got some caliginous fuckin fires in you and quite frankly its kinda fuckin scary
CA: an maybe a little somethin else but im gettin off here
CA: fuck TOPIC i meant gettin OFF TOPIC here
CA: anywway the point is you havve to be a really fuckin contemptible scumbag to wwork up any sorta bad blood wwith somebody like fef
CA: an seein as thats exactly wwhat i fuckin did that pretty much makes me crowwn fuckin prince a contemptible scumbags evverywwhere
CA: so if fef of all people isnt wwillin to givve me a second chance wwhy wwould anybody else feel like extendin a first
AC: :33 < youre not a scumbag, eridan
CA: you cant possibly fuckin mean that
AC: :33 < okay, you kind of are a scumbag
CA: there noww wwere gettin somewwhere
AC: :33 < h33 h33!
AC: :33 < sorry, anyway
AC: :33 < youre not hopeless
AC: :33 < you just n33d a little help
CA: so you wwant to help me
AC: :33 < of course i want to help you!
AC: :33 < i just have a few conditions
CA: alright fine name em
AC: :33 < furst of all, we do things my way
AC: :33 < ill take your suggestions, but you dont get to give me orders
AC: :33 < okay?
CA: ok sure
AC: :33 < and second, im not finding you a hissmesis
CA: oh please nep
CA: i dont evven wwant your help findin a fuckin kismesis ok
CA: im brewwin my owwn fuckin plans for my black quadrant as wwe speak
CA: so ivve kinda got it under fuckin control
AC: :33 < suuuure eridan, whatefur you say
CA: alright fine is that it
AC: :33 < well...
AC: :33 < oh! one more thing!
AC: :33 < you have to apawlogize to me fur the little incident on lowaa
CA: god nep youre really twwistin the fuckin knife here
AC: :33 < h33 h33, what can i say?
AC: :33 < i just like s33ing you squirm fur some reason!
CA: wwell wwhat specifically am i apologizin for here
CA: i mean are you mad that i evven asked at all
AC: :33 < no! i dont blame you fur expurressing interest
AC: :33 < its just... the way you asked
AC: :33 < it was really cr33py and kind of mean
CA: alright alright
CA: ill admit demandin your hand in matespritship as compensation for bringin you into the game wwas pretty fuckin loww a me
CA: or should i say lowwaa me
CA: fuck ok that wwas a terrible fuckin pun sorry
CA: anywway the wway i took your response wwas fuckin uncalled for too
CA: an bringin up the wwhole thing again on your memo wwasnt cool either
CA: so sorry about all that
AC: :33 < okay, apawlogy accepted!
AC: :33 < i furgive you, eridan
CA: thanks i guess
CA: so wwill you help me noww
AC: :33 < yes!
CA: ok great
CA: so wwhere do wwe start
AC: :33 < we start with the most pawbvious thing
AC: :33 < shipping!
CA: oh for gods sake nep is that your answwer to fuckin evverything
AC: :33 < eridan, i really think you n33d a matespurrit!
AC: :33 < itll help you get ofur this whole fefurry thing!
CA: nep i dont knoww if i can evven handle a matespritship right noww
CA: i still kinda feel like the wworlds biggest piece a shit for the wway i treated the only person ivve evver been flushed for
AC: :33 < well, can we at least talk about who might eventually be a good match fur you?
CA: wwell i guess
CA: but for obvvious fuckin reasons the slates completely fuckin blank on my side
CA: you got anythin for me on your little shippin wwall
AC: :33 < actually, no
CA: wwhat wwhy the fuck not
CA: i saww vvris an ar an evven fuckin gam on there wwhy the fuck wwould you exclude me an not any a that fuckin freakshoww
AC: :33 < equius ordered me to erase you furom my wall after
AC: :33 < well, uh
CA: after wwhat
AC: :33 < after i shipped him and you
AC: :33 < as matespurrits
CA: oh god
CA: i guess i cant fuckin blame him for that
CA: wwevve pretty firmly established in this vvery fuckin convversation evven that thats not gonna fuckin wwork out
AC: :33 < yeah ://
AC: :33 < but we can still brainstorm!
CA: alright fine
AC: :33 < okay, what about tavros?
CA: no
AC: :33 < why not?
CA: because hes a fuckin mudblood alright next question
AC: :33 < thats a stupid reason!!!!
CA: ok howw about that hes moirails wwith vvris an im not gonna get flushed for my ex kismesises little fuckin protege
AC: :33 < thats... a better reason, i guess
CA: hey wwhat about you
AC: :33 < what about me?
CA: i mean you as my matesprit
CA: askin as nicely an uncreepily as possible here
AC: :33 < eridan...
AC: :33 < i was gonna say i dont like you like that
AC: :33 < but furankly i just kind of dont like you purriod
CA: ok fair enough
AC: :33 < i was also gonna say im sorry
AC: :33 < but im not really ://
CA: its fine i get it
CA: that wwas kinda the answwer i wwas lookin for anywway
AC: :33 < what? why?
CA: wwell if there wwere any red feelins betwween us it wwould just get in the wway a things
AC: :33 < what things?
CA: this wwhole helpin me thing
CA: thats obvviously wwhat i meant
AC: :33 < yeah, youre purrobably right
AC: :33 < oh my god oh my god i just got the best idea!!!!
CA: wwoww really wwhat
AC: :33 < what about...
AC: :33 < you and terezi?
CA: ter huh
CA: thats
CA: intriguin
AC: :33 < think about it! you have so much in common!
AC: :33 < you both love roleplaying
AC: :33 < and you both hate vwiskers!
CA: is that it
CA: cause thats not a fuckin lot in common
AC: :33 < well, maybe not
AC: :33 < but i just thought about it and you two would be really cute together!!
CA: im not sure id call anythin about ter cute
CA: but id be lyin if i said i hadnt pursued her before
CA: evven if it wwas for the most part just to try an piss off vvris
CA: an ill admit theres somethin about her fierce intellect and cold calculatin demeanor thats bizarrely attractivve for some reason
CA: an theres nothin at all bizarre about the wway she fills out that little legislacerator outfit a hers i mean good lord
AC: :33 < okay okay stop! XPP
AC: :33 < so you might be interested in her?
CA: yeah but wwhats the fuckin point
CA: i mean ivve gone for it before and she shot me dowwn evvery fuckin time howw are things gonna be any different noww
AC: :33 < well, befur you were flushed fur fefurry
AC: :33 < and she purrobably thought your advances were just a ruse to get at vwiskers
AC: :33 < but now things are diffurent!
CA: its a sound theory i guess
CA: but honestly nep i dont think my expandin an collapsin bladder based aquatic vvascular system is in the right place to go lookin for a matesprit right noww
AC: :33 < call it a heart
CA: wwhat wwhy
AC: :33 < beclaws im not the rogue of expanding and collapsing bladder based aquatic vascular systems!!!
CA: ugh fine but the point still stands
AC: :33 < well, when will you be ready?
CA: i dont fuckin knoww
CA: i feel like after wwhat i did to fef i dont evven deservve a fuckin matesprit
AC: :33 < of course you do!!
AC: :33 < look, i think you really n33d someone to talk to this about
AC: :33 < someone who will really listen to you about this and help you work through it
CA: like wwho you
AC: :33 < no, not me!
CA: but thats wwhat wwere doin right noww isnt it
AC: :33 < yeah, but i think you n33d something a little d33purr
AC: :33 < and im already in a commitment like that
CA: wwait
CA: are you suggestin wwhat i think youre suggestin
AC: :33 < i think you n33d a meowrail, eridan
CA: god damnit
CA: wwhy the fuck wwould i need a fuckin moirail of all the things
AC: :33 < it wont be like what you and fefurry had!
AC: :33 < itll just be somepawdy you can talk to anything about, and theyll listen to you and tell you how to impurrove!
CA: wwell
CA: that doesnt sound so bad i guess
AC: :33 < of course, youll have to do the same fur them
CA: ugh sea theres the problem
CA: judgin by my experience wwith fef im terrible fuckin moirail
AC: :33 < that was diffurent!!
AC: :33 < you were flushed fur her!
AC: :33 < meowrails have to be honest with each other, and you cant be a good meowrail if youre withholding a big secret like that!
AC: :33 < and after being trapped in the wrong quadrant fur so long, you start to build up a resentment that just poisons the whole thing
AC: :33 < its the same thing that happened with kanaya and vwiskers!
AC: :33 < but if your heart is in the right place, a meowrallegiance is the greatest thing in the world!
AC: :33 < if you could have something like me and equius have, youd be a meowllion times happier, i guarant33 it!
CA: yeah
CA: i guess thatd be nice
CA: havvin somebody that gavve a shit about me enough to threaten to removve somebodys protein chute for deignin to survveil upon me wwithout my express consent
AC: :33 < h33 h33!
AC: :33 < theres a little more to it than that, but yeah
CA: but wwho wwould be stupid enough to wwant to take a crack at my ludicrously ovverstuffed emotional baggage like that
CA: besides you a course
AC: :33 < hey!!!
AC: :33 < i was coerced into this!
CA: yeah yeah fair fuckin point
AC: :33 < well, lets s33
AC: :33 < what about karkitty?
AC: :33 < you two are furiends or something, arent you?
CA: yeah kar and i havve a good thing goin
CA: wwell wwe used to anywway
CA: wwed talk about our problems an all the trials an tribulations a the quadrants
CA: but after the wwhole thing wwith fef i probably talked his fins off so much that hed probably rather kill me than hear another fuckin wword
AC: :33 < well, he might be willing to give you a chance!
CA: nah id rather he didnt
CA: i feel kinda bad for evven wwhinin to him the wway i did
CA: sides hed probably just givve me shit about it constantly
AC: :33 < h33 h33! fair enough!
AC: :33 < hmmmmm
AC: :33 < kanaya, maybe?
CA: wwell
CA: i talked to kan evvery noww and then before the game
CA: but i wwas alwways just carpin to her about vvris an fef
CA: nevver really gavve any consideration to her problems an im pretty sure she fuckin kneww it
CA: i dont sea wwhy shed think things are any different noww
AC: :33 < but things are different now!
AC: :33 < you and vwiskers arent kismesisses anymore
AC: :33 < and now youre trying to get over fefurry, not get with her!
CA: i guess
CA: i just think itd be a little uncomfortable
CA: wwe both had flushcrushes on our moirails but she got hers an i ruined all chances a gettin mine
AC: :33 < oh, i didnt even think about that...
CA: anywway the last thing kan wwants to hear is me wwhinin about fef
CA: an i strongly suspect thats the vvast majority a wwhat any givven feelins jam is gonna consist of
AC: :33 < hmmmm
AC: :33 < this is harder than i thought it would be!
CA: nep youre highly underestimatin the amount a bridges ivve burned in my short life in this univverse
CA: at this point im just a lone man on an island ringed wwith a thousand burnin bridges
CA: the barrier a charred debris is so thick that evven the mightiest vvessel could nevver breach it
CA: no man can evver reach the shores so i havve only an endless stream of pissed off angels to keep me company
CA: so here ill sit killin em and swwillin faygo for the rest a my days
CA: until i inevvitably go blind from diabetes
AC: :33 < h33 h33 h33!! X33
AC: :33 < you paint a purretty bleak picture, eridan
AC: :33 < but i dont think its that bad!
CA: wwell it kinda fuckin is
AC: :33 < can i ask you a question though?
CA: shoot
AC: :33 < whats with the whole faygo thing?
AC: :33 < i dont remember it being a thing that existed befur
CA: wwell i wwas thirsty an it just so happened some moron flung a bottle a the stuff into the ocean
CA: an it just so happened to reach my hivve at that vvery serendipitous moment so i gavve it a shot
AC: :33 < serendipitous?
CA: alright alright itd been sittin around for a wwhile
CA: i only evven drank it at gams urgin
CA: i thought itd taste like seagoat discharge but honestly its just soda
CA: ivve been concoctin some new flavvors by futzin wwith the alchemiter and a feww of em are actually pretty damn decent
AC: :33 < why were you taking refureshment advice from gamz33?
CA: wwell i wwas tryin to reach kar but he was busy with some important game business or wwhatevver
CA: so i talked to gam and somehoww the topic drifted to faygo
CA: big fuckin surprise there am i right
AC: :33 < hey, i didnt even think about gamz33!
AC: :33 < what if he was your meowrail?
CA: wwhat
CA: are you fuckin searious
AC: :33 < sure, why not?
CA: because itd be an entire fuckin relationship built upon soda are you fuckin kiddin me
AC: :33 < well, think about it!
AC: :33 < you n33d someone to talk to about your purroblems
AC: :33 < but nopawdy is willing to listen, right?
CA: not anybody i can fuckin think of
CA: cept
CA: except a fuckin sopor addled clowwn wwhos nevver had any fuckin problem just sittin dowwn an lettin any motherfucker speww their fuckin wwords at him
AC: :33 < exactly!
CA: ugh i cant believve im actually considerin this
CA: wwhy wwould i evver wwant to be palepals wwith a slime eatin buffoon wwho cant hold a train a thought for fivve minutes wwithout zonin out
CA: the guys a disgrace to highbloods evverywwhere
AC: :33 < s33, this is good!
AC: :33 < youre actually concerned about him!
CA: wwhoa wwho said i wwas fuckin concerned
CA: i just dont wwant the guy to be such a complete fuckup is all
AC: :33 < well, then you have two reasons to be meowrails!
AC: :33 < he can help you with your relationship purroblems
AC: :33 < and you can help him not be such a complete fuckup!
CA: i
CA: hrm
CA: wwell i guess hes not gonna shape up all on his fuckin owwn
CA: an i guess nobody else is linin up to be his fuckin moirail
CA: or mine for that matter
CA: ah the hell wwith it
CA: im wwillin to givve it a shot if he is
AC: :33 < thats great!!!
AC: :33 < tell you what
AC: :33 < ill set up a shipping sw33p with him right now
AC: :33 < and if hes willing, i can set you two up fur a f33lings jam!
CA: alright fine
CA: actually im gonna step awway from the grubtop for a wwhile
CA: breww up some neww faygo vvarieties or somethin i dont knoww
AC: :33 < okay, sure!
AC: :33 < ill just talk to you later!
CA: hey uh nep
CA: before you go
AC: :33 < yeah?
CA: thanks for all this
CA: i mean tryin to help me an all
AC: :33 < hey, its no purroblem!
CA: no it kind of fuckin wwas a problem
CA: ivve been bein a huge piece a shit and i guess i just needed somebody to point it out to me
AC: :33 < youre not a piece of shit, eridan
CA: nep
AC: :33 < okay, you kind of are a piece of shit
CA: ok there wwe go
AC: :33 < h33 h33!
AC: :33 < anyway, you just n33d a little help
AC: :33 < none of us are really bad people, eridan
AC: :33 < we just n33d help sometimes
CA: evven you
AC: :33 < yes, even me!
CA: ok
CA: wwell hey
CA: if you evver need to just completely lose your shit and flip out at somebody feel free to come to me
AC: :33 < what?
CA: look nep you cant be nice a hundred percent a the fuckin time
CA: i can sea the fuckin maelstrom a fury blowwin under that swweet an innocent mien a yours
CA: you cant keep that shit bottled up forevver it fucks wwith your head
CA: so if you evver feel like lettin loose wwith an unholy tempest a rage like the one you spat at me ten minutes ago id alwways be happy to entertain it
CA: im lookin again at that rant an its fuckin beautiful to behold
AC: :33 < um
AC: :33 < okaaaaaaaaaay?
CA: just tryin to help nep
CA: think about it
AC: :33 < ill k33p in mind, i guess!
AC: :33 < though im not really sure itll be necessary
CA: are you pawwsitivve
AC: :33 < oh, im ferry certain ind33d!
CA: this isnt going to become a compurrtition is it
AC: :33 < i shore hope naut!
AC: :33 < im a little out of my depth when it comes to ocean puns
AC: :33 < im a fish out of water, you could say
CA: wwell the cats out a the bag noww
CA: may as wwell admit im not furry good at cat puns either
AC: :33 < youre fine!
AC: :33 < anyway ill go talk to gamz33
AC: :33 < and i guess ill talk to you sometime after that
CA: yeah ill just hit you up wwhen im done wwith this shit
AC: :33 < okay, talk to you later, eridan!
CA: yeah bye

arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling caligulasAquarium [CA].

CA: i think
CA: this is the beginnin of a beautiful relationship

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC].

Chapter Text

Chapter 6

Edge of the Rainbow

arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

AC: :33 < *ac furry sneakily and silently cr33ps through tcs hive*
AC: :33 < *s33ing her oppurrtunity to strike, she crouches down in purrepurration...*
AC: :33 < *and jumps into tcs horn pile!!*
AC: :33 < *little horns go flying efurrywhere in a deafening chorus of honks and squeaks!!*
TC: WhOoOaAa, SiStEr, YoU aLl Up AnD sCaReD tHe MoThErFuCkIn TiTs OfF oF mE wItH tHaT mAsTeRfUlLy MoThErFuCkIn ExEcUtEd HoNk JuMp!
TC: NoW aLl My ImAgInArY hOrNs ArE iN mOtHeRfUcKiN dIsArRaY.
AC: :33 < h33 h33!
AC: :33 < hi gamz33!
TC: WeLl ShIiIiT, wHaT's AlL tHe MoThErFuCkIn SiTuAtIoN tHaT wOuLd BrInG mY mAiN mOtHeRfUcKiN cAt GiRl To Up AnD cHaT oN mE lIkE tHiS?
AC: :33 < well, actually, this is a shipping sw33p!
TC: Oh, OkAy, A sHiPpInG sWeEp.
TC: WhAt'S mOtHeRfUcKiN sHiPpInG sWeEp AgAiN?
AC: :33 < well, i just wanted to talk to you about relationships!
AC: :33 < maybe s33 if we can find you a matespurrit and a meowrail!
AC: :33 < have you b33n reading my memos?
TC: YeAh, I kInDa ReMeMbEr SkImMiN aLl ThOsE mOtHeRfUcKeRs OnCe Or TwIcE
TC: BuT iTs AlL kInD oF a MoThErFuCkIn HaZe.
TC: ThOuGhT i SaW sOmE sHiT aBoUt TaVbRo BeIn AlL mOtHeRfUcKiN fRiEnDlY oN vRiSkA oF aLl ThE pEoPlE.
TC: So I'm NoT rEaLlY mOtHeRfUcKiN sUrE hOw MuCh Of ThAt I jUsT uP aNd MoThErFuCkIn ImAgInEd.
AC: :33 < no, that actually catpunned!
TC: WhOa, ReAlLy?
AC: :33 < yeah! theyre meowrails now!
AC: :33 < and i think theyre really happy together!
TC: WeLl ShIiIiT, tHaT's MoThErFuCkIn AwEsOmE, sIsTeR!
TC: HaHaHa, TaVbRo AlL uP aNd TaMeD tHe MoThErFuCkIn SpIdEr!
TC: FuUuCk, I'm FeElIn As I sHoUlD cOmPoSe A rAp On ThEiR mOtHeRfUcKiN hOnOr Or SoMeThIn.
AC: :33 < h33 h33! it is puretty pawesome
AC: :33 < so, can we talk about shipping now?
TC: WeLl If YoUr HeArT's AlL mOtHeRfUcKiN sEt In It, I gUeSs I cOuLd ObLiGe On ThAt ShIt.
TC: NeVeR wAnTeD tO bE a MoThErFuCkEr WhO wOuLd Up AnD nOt TaKe SoMe AdViCe FrOm HiS mOtHeRfUcKiN fRiEnDs.
AC: :33 < okay, great!
AC: :33 < well, normally i start with the flushed quadrant
AC: :33 < but pawnestly
AC: :33 < and dont take this the wrong way
AC: :33 < but i dont really have any idea who could be your matespurrit!
TC: NaH, sIsTeR, i GeT wHeRe YoU'rE mOtHeRfUcKiN cOmIn OuT oF.
TC: CaN't Be AlL tHaT mAnY mOtHeRfUcKeRs GeTtIn ThEiR fLuSh OuT oN a MiRtHfUl MoThErFuCkEr LiKe Me.
TC: EvErYbOdY's AlL gOt ThEiR oWn ReLaTiOnShIpS aNd ShIt To AlL mOtHeRfUcKiN wOrRy ArOuNd.
TC: MeAnWhIlE i'M jUsT gEtTiN mY mOtHeRfUcKiN cHiLl Up HeRe OuT oF mY mOtHeRfUcKiN hIvE, sIpPiN fAyGo AnD mAkIn A fEw PiEs.
AC: :33 < well...
AC: :33 < we have to think of something!
AC: :33 < efurrypawdy n33ds a matespurrit, even you!
TC: WeLl, If ThAt'S wHaT yOu'Re AlL mOtHeRfUcKiN fEeLiNg, I gUeSs I cAn'T bE tHe GuY wHo AlL uP aNd DiSaGrEeS aT yOu.
TC: BuT i'M mOtHeRfUcKiN cHiLl Up On It OnE wAy Or AnOtHeR.
AC: :33 < well, lets think about it
AC: :33 < maybe i can think of somepawdy fur you!
TC: ShIt, i GuEsS.
AC: :33 < hmmmm...
AC: :33 < i purrobably shouldnt be suggesting this
AC: :33 < but what about equius?
TC: Aw MaN, eQuIuS iS dEfInItElY a ChOiCe BrO.
TC: We ShOoT tHe ShIt AlL tHe MoThErFuCkIn TiMe, SiStEr.
TC: He'S aLwAyS cOmIn At Me On HiS fEeLiNgS aNd ShIt, TrYiN tO mAkE sEnSe AbOuT tHe HeMoSpEcTrUm AnD aLl ThAt NoIsE.
TC: I dOn'T kNoW iF i WaNt To Be KiSsIn AfTeR tHe DuDe, ThOuGh.
TC: I'd JuSt Be Up FoR hAvIn A nIcE mOtHeRfUcKiN sIt DoWn AnD jAmMiN a BiT wItH hIs FeElInGs AnD sHiT.
AC: :33 < >://
TC: ShIiIiT, wHaT's GoT yOu AlL mAkIn A mOtHeRfUcKiN fAcE lIkE tHaT?
AC: :33 < it sounds more like you want to be his meowrail than anything
TC: DoEs It? FuCk, I dOn'T kNoW, mAyBe ThAt'S iT.
AC: :33 < gamz33, i am his meowrail!
AC: :33 < so i really dont apurreciate you saying that!
TC: AwWwWw ShIt, ThAt ToTaLlY uP aNd SlIpPeD mY mOtHeRfUcKiN mInD!
TC: I'm NoT tRyIn To StEaL hIm AwAy ArOuNd YoU oR aNy ShIt LiKe ThAt.
TC: FuUuCk, LoOk At ThIs GuY aLl Up AnD bEiN a MoThErFuCkIn ToOl.
AC: :33 < look, just furget i brought this up, okay?
AC: :33 < i dont even like the idea of you and equius being matespurrits
AC: :33 < he doesnt even like you, except fur cr33py weird reasons
AC: :33 < i only brought it up beclaws i couldnt think of anything else
TC: Oh.
TC: WeLl MoThEr FuCk.
TC: :o(
AC: :33 < its okay! ill think of something else
AC: :33 < maybe
AC: :33 < god, this is really hard!
AC: :33 < well, lets s33...
AC: :33 < alright, you brought terezi into the game, right?
TC: ShIt YeAh I dId, SiStEr!
TC: HoNk.
AC: :33 < so you purrobably interacted a lot with her
AC: :33 < what about her as your matespurrit?
TC: WeLl ShIt, TeReZi'S oNe CoOl LaDy AnD aLl.
TC: BuT fRaNkLy, ShE kInD oF mOtHeRfUcKiN sCaReS mE.
TC: ShE's AlWaYs HaNgIn ShIt ThRoUgH tReEs AnD tAlKiN lIkE jUsTiCe AnD aLl ThAt NoIsE.
TC: AnD i AiN't NeVeR bEeN a MoThErFuCkEr To JuDgE aNoThEr BrOtHeR eVeN wHaT iS a PrOpEr MoThErFuCkEr.
TC: So I gUeSs ThAt'S kInD oF aLl WhAt A tUrN oFf Is.
AC: :33 < yeah, it was a bit of a stretch
AC: :33 < i dont think she really likes you like that either
AC: :33 < or even at all, really
TC: YeAh, ShE kInD oF gAvE uP a MoThErFuCkIn ViBe UnDeR sOmE eFfEcT lIkE tHaT.
AC: :33 < okay, so not terezi
AC: :33 < sooo
AC: :33 < your serfur player was tavros, right?
AC: :33 < what do you think of him?
TC: UhH...
TC: WeLl, ShIt, I mEaN...
TC: TaVrOs Is DeFiNiTeLy A cHoIcE bRo.
TC: NaH, wAiT, tHaT's VaStLy MoThErFuCkIn UnDeRsTaTiNg JuSt HoW pArTiCuLaRlY bRoTaCuLaR hE iS.
TC: It'D bE mOrE aCcUrAtE tO uP aNd SaY hE's A gIaNt MoThErFuCkIn RiB oF pRiMe, GrAdE-a BrO.
TC: AlL gRiLlEd Up To SmOkY bRoWn MoThErFuCkIn PeRfEcTiOn AnD dRiPpInG wItH dElIcIoUs MoThErFuCkIn BrO jUiCeS.
AC: :33 < wow, this is making me hungry all of a sudden
TC: ShIiIt, I gUeSs ThAt MeTaPhOr AlL uP aNd GoT aWaY fRoM mE lIkE aN iMp WiTh OnE oF mY mOtHeRfUcKiN pIeS.
TC: BuT yEaH, i'M sAyIn, TaVbRo'S dEfInItElY a CoOl MoThErFuCkIn DuDe.
TC: AnD, uH...
TC: FuCk, I mEaN, i GuEsS iT'd Be PrEtTy MoThErFuCkIn NiCe BeIn MaTeSpRiTs To HiM.
TC: WeLl, ShIt, It'D bE mOrE tHaN nIcE, iT'd Be A sTrAiGhT uP mOtHeRfUcKiN mIrAcLe Is AlL wHaT iT wOuLd FuCkIn Be.
AC: :33 < :oo
AC: :33 < gamz33, are you...
AC: :33 < are you flushed fur tavros?
TC: Uh...
AC: :33 < its okay! you can tell me!
AC: :33 < i wont tell anypawdy, i swear!
TC: WeLl, FuCk, OkAy.
TC: YeAh, I'm PrEtTy MuCh StRaIgHt Up FlUsHeD tHe FuCk OuT oN tAvBrO.
TC: As DeEp In ThE mOtHeRfUcKiN rEd As AnY mOtHeRfUcKeR cAn Be To AnY oThEr MoThErFuCkEr.
TC: ShIt'S bEeN bUrNiN a WiCkEd HoLe ThRoUgH mY mOtHeRfUcKiN hEaRt FoR a WhIlE nOw AnD iT fEeLs RiGhTeOuS aS sHiT tO cOnFiDe At AnOtHeR mOtHeRfUcKeR aBoUt It.
AC: :33 < wow, that is so great!!
AC: :33 < i couldnt think of a matespurrit fur tavros, either
AC: :33 < but now that i think about it, you two would be pawesome fur each other!
TC: ShIiIt, ThAt'S rEaL nIcE oN yOu To SaY aNd AlL.
TC: BuT i ThInK i MiGhT hAvE fUcKeD tHaT sHiT uP aS hIgH aS aNy PaRtIcUlAr PiEcE oF sHiT cAn Be FuCkEd.
AC: :33 < why? what catpunned?
TC: WeLl, BeFoRe We Up AnD gOt Me OnTo ThE gAmE, i KiNdA...
TC: I aSkEd HiM iF wE cOuLd MaYbE aLl GeT sOmE sLoPpY mAkEoUtS oN.
TC: AnD sEeInG lIkE wE hAvEn'T bArElY eVeN mOtHeRfUcKiN sPoKeN sInCe ThAt CrItIcAl PoInT, i'D sAy ThAt PaRtIcUlAr StRaTeGy WaS a DrAsTiC mOtHeRfUcKiN fAiLuRe.
TC: I'm AfRaId I jUsT uP aNd ScArEd ThAt BrOtHeR aWaY fOrEvEr By BeIn AlL sO mOtHeRfUcKiN fOrWaRd As ThAt.
TC: HoNk :o(
AC: :33 < well...
AC: :33 < you kind of put him on the spawt, right?
TC: ShIt YeAh, SiStEr.
TC: I jUsT tOoK tHe MoThErFuCkIn SpOt AnD aLl SlAmMeD tHaT bRoThEr RiGhT dOwN tHe CeNtEr LiKe A sKeE bAlL tAbLe At A dArK mOtHeRfUcKiN cArNiVaL.
TC: GoT fIfTy MoThErFuCkIn TiCkEtS aNd ExChAnGeD eM fOr A bIg StUfFeD cHoLeRbEaR wItH "bRoThEr, YoU'rE bEiN wAy ToO mOtHeRfUcKiN uPfRoNt" EmBrOiDeReD oVeR iT.
AC: :33 < well, he was purrobably just nervous!
AC: :33 < i mean, until recently, he hasnt b33n furry good at dealing with sudden surpurrises like that
AC: :33 < and maybe he just hasnt talked to you beclaws hes afurraid he hurt your f33lings!
TC: WeLl FuCk, I gUeSs ThAt'S a PoSsIbIlItY aNd AlL.
TC: BuT sHiT, iF i CoUlD hAvE tHe MiRtHfUl MeSsIaHs GrAnT mE oNe MoThErFuCkIn MiRaClE, iT'd Be To NeVeR uP aNd DoNe ThAt ShIt WiThIn ThAt PaRtIcUlAr MoThErFuCkIn MaNnEr.
AC: :33 < well, i still think it would work!
AC: :33 < in fact, im updating my wall right meow
AC: :33 < im circling you and tavros a bunch of times and writing "oh yesssss!" under it with a little heart in furont of it
AC: :33 < do you want me to help you win him ofur?
AC: :33 < we could set up a big devious plan and efurrything!
TC: FuUuUcK, sIsTeR, tHaT's AwFuL mOtHeRfUcKiN rIgHtEoUs On YoU tO oFfEr AnD aLl.
TC: EsPeCiAlLy SeEiN aS wE'rE pRaCtIcAlLy MoThErFuCkIn StRaNgErS.
TC: BuT i'M aLl ThInKiN iT'd Be BeSt To JuSt Up AnD lEt ThAt ShIt SiT uNdEr ThE mOtHeRfUcKiN bAcKbUrNeR fOr A wHiLe.
TC: MaYbE wE'lL aLl GeT a MiRaClE dOwN oN tHiS sHiT aNd It'Ll AlL aNd JuSt WoRk ItSeLf ThE mOtHeRfUcK oUt.
AC: :33 < well, if you say so
AC: :33 < wow, this shipping sw33p has b33n a lot more purrductive than i thought it would be!
AC: :33 < i didnt think pinning down your matespurrit would be that easy!
TC: HaHaHa, YeAh, I gUeSs ThE fUcK nOt.
TC: It'S lIkE a LiTtLe MoThErFuCkIn MiRaClE hApPeNeD jUsT oN yOu.
AC: :33 < h33 h33, i guess so!
AC: :33 < anyway, lets talk about your pale quadrant
AC: :33 < any ideas?
TC: WeLl, ShIt, ThErE's A mOtHeRfUcKeR oR tWo I wOuLdN't MiNd BeIn MoThErFuCkIn PaLeBrOs To.
TC: KaRkAt'S aLwAyS sEeMeD lIkE a MoThErFuCkEr WhO cOuLd UsE sOmE hElP gEtTiN hIs MoThErFuCkIn SeTtLe DoWn On.
AC: :33 < really? karkitty?
TC: YeAh, SiStEr.
TC: I kNoW hE's AlWaYs MoThErFuCkIn GeTtIn AlL mAd AnD sHiT tOwArDs Me AnD pRoBaBlY dOeSn'T gIvE hAlF a ShIt AbOuT mE rIgHt ThE fUcK nOw.
TC: BuT i AlWaYs FeLt LiKe It WaS fOrEtOlD oN tHe MoThErFuCkIn StArS oR sOmE sHiT tHaT wE'd EnD uP bEiN mOiRaIlS.
AC: :33 < seriously?
TC: FuCk, I dOn'T kNoW.
TC: ThAt CoUlD aLl JuSt Be My HeArT uP aNd TeLlIn Me FaKe ShIt.
TC: WoUlDn'T bE tHe FiRsT mOtHeRfUcKiN tImE iT's HaPpEnEd, I gUeSs.
AC: :33 < hmmmmm...
AC: :33 < any other pawssibilities, you think?
TC: ShIt YeAh, ThErE's A wHoLe MoThErFuCkIn DoUbLe RaInBoW oF pOsSiBiLiTiEs, SiStEr.
TC: I mEaN, tErEzI's A cLaSsY mOtHeRfUcKiN lAdY, aNd I wOuLdN't MiNd GeTtIn My SiT oN aNd HaViN a MoThErFuCkIn JaM wItH hEr.
TC: Or I'd Be Up FoR cHiLlIn WiTh SoLlUx AnD aLl TaLkIn AbOuT mOtHeRfUcKiN gHoStS oR wHaTeVeR sHiT hE's AlWaYs On Up AbOuT.
TC: FuCk, I'd EvEn Be MoThErFuCkIn DoWn FoR lAyIn On ThE hOrN pIlE wItH kAnAyA aNd LeTtIn HeR gEt HeR mOtHeRfUcKiN mEdDlE oN.
TC: I gUeSs I'd Be AlL uP fOr BeInG pAlEbRoS wItH aNy MoThErFuCkEr WhAt'S wIlLiNg To PuT uP wItH mE.
AC: :33 < wow
AC: :33 < well...
AC: :33 < what about eridan?
TC: ErIdAn?
TC: AnGrY mOtHeRfUcKeR wHaT's AlWaYs TaLkIn AbOuT kIlLiN aLl MoThErFuCkIn LaNd DwElLeRs ErIdAn?
TC: ShIt, I gUeSs I'd Be Up FoR cRaCkIn An IcEcOlD wItH hIm AnD sPiLlIn SoMe ShIt On OuR fEeLiNgS.
TC: BuT fRaNkLy, ThE bRoThEr KiNd Of AlL mOtHeRfUcKiN sCaReS mE.
AC: :33 < hes not scary!
AC: :33 < hes just kind of a douche
TC: HaHaHa, WhAt?
AC: :33 < i mean, i know up until now, hes b33n a huge asshole
AC: :33 < and furankly, he still is kind of an asshole
AC: :33 < but i talked to him, and he said hed be willing to be your meowrail!
AC: :33 < he just really n33ds somepawdy to talk about his f33lings to
TC: FuCk, ReAlLy?
TC: I mEaN, tHaT's MoThErFuCkIn RiGhTeOuS aNd AlL.
TC: BuT sHiT, pAlEbRoS wItH eRiDaN?
TC: JuSt SeEmS kInD oF mOtHeRfUcKiN wEiRd FoR sOmE rEaSoN.
AC: :33 < look, think of it this way
AC: :33 < hes basically karkitty
AC: :33 < minus any red33ming qualities whatsoefur
TC: ShIiIiT, sIsTeR's AlL gEtTiN hEr MoThErFuCkIn HaRsH oN oN tHiS sEaDwElLiN mOtHeRfUcKeR!
TC: HoNk HoNk HoNk! :oD
AC: :33 < h33 h33, sorry!
AC: :33 < hes not a bad guy
AC: :33 < theres just something about him that just really annoys me purrsonally fur some reason
TC: HaHaHaHa, FuCk, CaN't BlAmE a SiStEr FoR aLl WoRkIn HeR mOtHeRfUcKiN dIsLiKe At AnOtHeR bRoThEr.
AC: :33 < well, would you be willing to be his meowrail?
TC: WeLl...
TC: ShIt, WhY tHe MoThErFuCk NoT?
TC: I gUeSs I'd Be WiLlIn To GiVe ThAt ShIt A sHoT iF hE iS.
AC: :33 < thats great!!
AC: :33 < so how about i set you two up fur a f33lings jam?
TC: WhOa, AlReAdY?
AC: :33 < sure!
AC: :33 < itll just be a way of testing the waters
AC: :33 < to s33 if you two will work out together
TC: WeLl FuCk, AlRiGhT, i GuEsS.
AC: :33 < great!
AC: :33 < im gonna talk to eridan again soon, and then we can work out the time!
AC: :33 < and ill tell him to bring some faygo, too!
TC: AwWwWwW yEaH, sIsTeR, tHaT's ThE kInD oF mOtHeRfUcKiN pLaN i CaN aLl Up AnD gEt WoRkEd ThE fUcK uP aBoUt!
AC: :33 < h33 h33!
AC: :33 < alright, talk to you in a bit, gamz33!
TC: YeAh, PeAcE, mY mOtHeRfUcKiN cAtSiS.
TC: HoNk HoNk :o)

arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling terminallyCapricious [TC]

***

"I can't believe I'm actually fuckin' goin' through with this."

"Eridan, you're being a tool again. Just stop."

Nepeta and Eridan were walking towards the entrance to Gamzee's hive on the Land of Tents and Mirth, and she was not about to let this asshole get cold feet now.

The seadweller slid a single hand over his face, grasping his he was certain soon-to-be-aching forehead. "Seariously, it fuckin' amazes me that I'm reduced to goin' to a fuckin' doped up sideshow act for emotional support," he said with a sigh.

Nepeta stopped and turned to face him fully, clenching her fists and glowering. "God, Eridan, would you just shut up?! It's not that big a deal!" He'd stopped as well, and was glancing over at the oliveblood through the fingers over his glasses. "It's not going to reflect on you purrsonally, so there's nothing to be empawrassed about. So stop being such a fucking douche already!"

Eridan just barely stifled a laugh at the last remark (what was so funny? Nepeta had to wonder), then released his brow from the prison of his palm. "I'm sorry, Nep," he said, and looked off to his other side. "I'm just... I'm nervous, alright? I'm afraid I'm gonna fuck somethin' up and end up havin' to crawl back to Kar. Or Kan, or anybody else, for that fuckin' matter."

Nepeta relaxed, and sympathy lifted her features once more. "You'll do fine. All you have to do is be honest, and listen to him, and try to help."

"Yeah, I guess," he said, and resumed walking, with Nepeta following shortly after. "I'm not embarrassed about it. I'm just makin' excuses here." He laughed and glanced over at her. "'Sides, if anybody should be embarrassed by their fuckin' moirail, it's you."

"Hee hee!" Nepeta couldn't help but giggle. "Exactly! There's no glory in just having a meowrail. It all comes furom helping them impurrove. There's an old saying that goes," and she closed her eyes and raised a single finger in the air as she recited, "'A matespurrit is someone you put on a pedestal, and a meowrail is someone you pull out of a hole.'"

Eridan chuckled. "But it's supposed to go both ways, right? How do two people pull each other out of two separate holes?"

"That's easy," Nepeta said with a grin. "You use a rope! You just throw it over and one purrson climbs out with the other as a counterweight!" She stroked her chin for a moment, suddenly feeling the need to extend the metaphor. "Or if you're really ambitious, you could just both climb out at the same time!"

"So you're not givin' me a moirail," Eridan said bemusedly, "you're givin' me a rope."

"Purrcisely!"

Eridan looked away. "Well, at least if this whole thing falls through, I've got somethin' else I can fuckin' do with it," he muttered.

Nepeta glared at him. "Eridan," she said, more angry than concerned.

"It was a fuckin' joke," he spat at her. "God, Nep, give me some fuckin' credit here."

The pair at last reached the entrance to Gamzee's hive, and Nepeta gave the door a rhythmic knock. There was a brief cacophony of horns, followed by silence. In the meantime, Eridan spread his arms and looked down to survey himself. He turned to Nepeta and asked, "How do I look?"

Nepeta just snickered. "Eridan, he's not gonna care how you look."

"Yeah, I fuckin' know that, but still," Eridan said, rolling his eyes.

"Alright, fine," Nepeta said and turned to appraise him. "You look like a dork. Is that good enough?"

Eridan just slumped his shoulders and sighed. "Yeah, yeah. Seariously, Nep, this is some wiggler-level shit." Nepeta just giggled in response.

The door to the hive swung open, and Gamzee greeted the two bickering trolls with a wave and a vacant grin. "Well, if it isn't just the two motherfuckers I was all hopin' to motherfuckin' see!"

"Yeah, imagine that, we're here right when we fuckin' said we would be," Eridan said. He waved his hands in front of him mockingly. "It's a motherfuckin' miracle."

Nepeta lightly elbowed him in the ribs. "Eridan, be nice."

Eridan sneered and gave her a sidelong glance. "What'd I say about bein' nice?"

"I remempurr what you said," she retorted, and grabbed the end of his scarf and rubbed it in her fingers. "And I'd suggest you get a much thicker scarf."

Gamzee took the whole tangent in stride. "Well shit, come in," he said, gesturing into his hive, "make yourselves up in fuckin' home." The two stepped through the doorway and advanced into his leisureblock, and Gamzee followed after them. It had all the standard trappings of a living area, though there were a distressing lack of chairs that weren't stuffed with leguminous protein objects, and horns and drained Faygo bottles littered the floor.

Eridan turned to Nepeta. "Remind me again why you have to fuckin' be here."

"I'm just here to make sure efurrything goes smoothly," Nepeta said with a grin, then suddenly shot Eridan a glare and jabbed an accusatory finger at him. "And to make sure you don't back out on this."

Eridan scoffed. "Please, Nep, I have every fuckin' intention a' stayin' here," he said, then jabbed a finger right back at her. "I just think it'll be weird havin' a little fuckin' voyeur watchin' us while we're tryin' to jam on our private fuckin' emotions."

Nepeta just rolled her eyes at him. "Eridan, I don't get off on watching amateur feelings jams. Seriously, I don't even want to be here." She chuckled and added, "Anyway, it won't be anything I haven't seen befur."

"I'm not embarrassed or anythin'," Eridan said and looked away, though the slight purple flush in his cheeks said otherwise. "I'm just afraid of givin' you more fuckin' ammunition."

"Hee hee!" Nepeta giggled once more. "Please, Eridan, you've already given me enough material to make fun of you fur sweeps. This is nothing."

"Well, hey," Gamzee cut in, "if you motherfuckers want to make yourselves comfortable, you can get your sit on any motherfuckin' place." He moved over to a low set coffee table (which Nepeta and Eridan were both certain had never had coffee on it) surrounded by bean bag chairs and flopped himself into the nearest one.

"Actually, Gam," Eridan started and turned to face him, "before we get to anythin' else, there's one thing I've got to fuckin' get off my chest here. I've been dyin' to fuckin' talk to somebody about this for the longest fuckin' time, and nobody's even willin' to give me a fuckin' chance."

Nepeta suddenly looked concerned. "Eridan, I'm not sure if you should--"

"Nep, please," Eridan interrupted her, extending an open palm in her direction. "I've got to get this shit on the table right fuckin' now."

Gamzee looked at him as soberly as he could (which still wasn't very sober). "Alright, brother, what is it?"

"You want to know what it is?" Eridan said, advancing toward the coffee table. "Here's what it fuckin' is." He suddenly produced a large cooler from out of his sylladex and dropped it on the tabletop with a loud thud. He flipped the lid open, and inside were dozens of bottles of Faygo in all varieties of colors, resting in a bed of ice.

"I've been makin' all these different fuckin' flavors a' this shit, and there isn't a single motherfucker who's willin' to try any of 'em."

Gamzee rose and beheld the spectrum of soda with awe. "Holy shit. It's like a whole motherfuckin' double rainbow of Faygo. This is..." He stopped to wipe a single indigo tear from his eye. "This is a motherfuckin' miracle."

"Actually, it's just basic fuckin' punchcard alchemy, but whatever," Eridan said, and snatched up a bottle of grape for himself. He gestured to the cooler. "I mean, help yourself."

Gamzee grabbed one at random, a bottle full of blue liquid with a yellow label, but as soom as he picked it up, the soda inside turned red. He stared at the bottle in disbelief. "Whoa, this one changes colors or some shit."

"Oh yeah, that's Appleberry Blast. It's blue or red dependin' on which way you're lookin' at it." He suddenly sneered. "Made it usin' that asshole Sol's stupid fuckin' glasses."

Gamzee shifted the bottle in his hand, watching the colors change, before he finally cracked it open and took a swig. "Aw shit, it's like two motherfuckin' flavors at once!" he said with a satisfied grin, and he retook his place in his bean bag chair.

"Yeah, leave it to mister two of fuckin' everything not to be satisfied with one fuckin' flavor," Eridan said as he opened his own Faygo, then took a sip. He looked over to Nepeta. "Hey Nep, you want a soda? There's bound to be a flavor in here you'd like."

"Uh," Nepeta said through a forced grin, and looked away. "No thanks."

"Aw, c'mon, Nep, it's not that fuckin' bad," Eridan said, and plucked a bottle of olive-colored soda from the cooler. "Look, you like tea, right? This one's green tea, it's got to be at least tolerable."

"Well..." she said hesitantly. "Alright, fine, give it here."

Eridan smirked and gave the bottle a few vigorous shakes before he tossed it to her. "Wiggler-level shit, I know." She just gave him an annoyed look and decided she didn't want to open it just yet.

"Well thanks, brother, this is motherfuckin' righteous on you," Gamzee said, and turned toward his victualblock. "Why don't you just get your motherfuckin' sit on and I'll fetch us a pie."

"No, god damnit, Gam," Eridan suddenly growled, "we're not havin' a fuckin pie!" Gamzee stopped and turned to look at him, a dazed expression on his face. Eridan slumped his shoulders. "Sorry, it's just... Gam, you shouldn't be eatin' that shit. It puts holes in your fuckin' brain."

Gamzee continued to stare for a moment, then suddenly frowned. "Well, shit, if that's all how you motherfuckin' feel, I guess I've got to hear you the motherfuck out."

Eridan raised an eyebrow at him. "What, seariously? Just like that?"

Gamzee shrugged. "Yeah, brother. I know you probably all got my best motherfuckin' interest on your heart, so who the fuck am I to up and disagree?"

"Uh," Eridan started, and glanced over to Nepeta, who just smiled and gave him a thumbs-up. "Well, fuck, okay. That was kind of a major fuckin' bullet on the agenda, so now I got nothin' 'cept to talk about feelin's."

"Shit yeah, motherfucker," Gamzee said, and flopped back down in his bean bag chair. "Have a motherfuckin' seat," he said, patting the bag next to him, and Eridan obliged, carefully draping his cape over the back so he didn't sit on it. They sat in quiet for a moment, enjoying their beverages.

"So..." Eridan ventured after a while, "did you want to go first?"

"Nah, you start," Gamzee replied, and took another swig of his soda. "Just spill that shit like a Faygo you up and forgot was in your motherfuckin' hand in the first place, so you all went to scratch your head or some shit and it all just motherfuckin got everywhere."

"Yeah, alright," Eridan said, and looked down into his Faygo. He took a sip, then laughed to himself. "Y'know, it's funny. If we'd done this a day ago, I'd a' been complainin' about how Sol was stealin' Fef away from me, and there was this massive fuckin' conspiracy against me." He took another swig. "But then somethin' happened to me that made me realize what a fuckin' tool I was bein'."

"Well, shit, brother, what happened?" Gamzee asked, moving his head toward Eridan, but not looking at him. "Was it a motherfuckin' miracle?"

"No, it wasn't a fuckin'--" Eridan snapped, but suddenly stopped himself. "Well, maybe it kind of was a fuckin' miracle." He glanced at Nepeta, who just rolled her eyes at him.

"Hahaha, fuck yeah," Gamzee said, briefly raising his Faygo in a toast. "Preach it, motherfucker."

"Not much to fuckin' tell, I'm afraid," Eridan mused, taking a quick swig of soda. He motioned to Nepeta. "Tried to rope her into pullin' some kinda fuckin' ruse to make Fef flushed for me. Instead she tore me a new set of gills an' laid my every fuckin' iniquity bare before me like a filleted fuckin' mackerel." He laughed to himself. "An' now I'm sittin' here drinkin' Faygo with a fuckin' clown at her goddamn behest." Nepeta tried and failed to stifle a giggle, and Eridan just shot her a dirty look in response (albeit one garnished with the slightest smirk).

"Fuck, bro," Gamzee said with a laugh, "there's your motherfuckin' miracle right there."

Eridan gave him a sidelong glance. "What's a fuckin' miracle?"

"The fact that a brother like you and a motherfucker like me could all get our sit on and spit with each other like we're motherfuckin' palebros," Gamzee replied, and looked out one of his windows into the colorful sky of his land. "Ain't a motherfucker alive what could've foretold a fuckin' union as this." He waved his empty hand in the air. "Motherfuckin' miracles."

Eridan stared at him slack-jawed for a moment. "Gam, that's the stupidest fuckin' thing I've ever heard." After another beat, he raised his bottle of Faygo into the air. "But fuck, I'll drink to it." Gamzee simply chortled, and they bumped their sodas together in a toast, then each took a long swig in unison.

Nepeta decided now was a good enough time to give the soda in her hand a try. She carefully opened it--it didn't fizz up that much, thankfully--and took a wary sip. The indulgence didn't escape Eridan's detection. "Hey Nep, how is it?" he turned and asked her.

She just waggled her free hand side to side in front of her. "It's drinkable," she said unenthusiastically. It was actually pretty decent, but she wasn't about to tell him that.

Gamzee looked over to Eridan. "So what's all this motherfuckin' noise around the fishsister and Mr. Cherries and Berries?"

"Well, the thing is..." Eridan started, and looked down at the floor. "Me an' Fef were moirails up until just recently. But I was flushed for her the entire fuckin' time. Like, murder-the-fuckin'-world-for-her flushed." He sighed. "But as soon as I got in the fuckin' game, she dumped me. Ended our moirallegiance. Wasn't even willin' to consider somethin' redder. Just ran off with that fuckin' mustardblood first chance she got."

Gamzee frowned. "Shit, I'm sorry, bro," he said mournfully, rubbing Eridan's shoulder.

Eridan reached his hand up, wanting to pull Gamzee's hand off him, but suddenly thought fuck it and dropped it again. "Nah, it's my own fuckin' fault," he said, then took another swig of Faygo and resumed looking at the floor. "The whole fuckin' time we were moirails, I was a piece a' shit to her. I was just constantly blockin' her off with my theatrical fuckin' bullshit. An' I never even gave her feelin's a fuckin' inch a' consideration." He sighed once more and pressed his free hand against the side of his head. "She thought I hated her, Gam. And in retrospect, I don't fuckin' blame her."

He turned to Gamzee, purple tears welling in his eyes. "Am I even a good person, Gam?" he asked, his voice starting to crack. "Do I even deserve a fuckin' matesprit?"

Gamzee moved his hand further around Eridan, rubbing his back. "Sure you fuckin' do, brother," he said with a sympathetic smirk. "I mean, yeah, you fucked up every which motherfuckin' way it's possible to fuck in that specific direction, but at least you know you motherfuckin' did it. Gives you a leg up after every other motherfucker what ever fucked somethin' up."

"Yeah, I guess," Eridan said, wiping the moisture from his eyes.

Gamzee leaned in a little closer. "You still wanna be her matesprit?"

Eridan broke eye contact with Gamzee, looking at the floor again. "Nah, I've pretty much given up on that," he said ruefully. "She deserves a better fuckin' matesprit than me anyway."

"Motherfucker, that is not true," Gamzee said sternly, prodding his bottle of Faygo into Eridan's chest for emphasis. "You're every fuckin' bit the matesprit she deserves. You're just not the one she motherfuckin' needs right now."

Eridan looked up at Gamzee, a curious look on his face. "What do you mean?"

"You're a good motherfucker, brother," Gamzee said, looking him in the eyes. "And you'd be a miracle of a matesprit, I can motherfuckin' tell. She just can't see that shit 'cause she's all sour off your motherfuckin' breakup."

Eridan's mouth curled into the tiniest smirk. "You really think so?"

"Motherfucker, I know so," Gamzee said, bumping his Faygo into Eridan's chest once more.

"Shit, that's nice a' you to say, Gam," Eridan said, and he looked away, a faint purple flush spreading through his cheeks, "but I still don't fuckin' know. I think she'd be happier with somebody else." He knocked back his Faygo for a quick swig, then paused for a moment in contemplation. "Or maybe..."

"You would," Gamzee ventured to guess.

Eridan let out a long, bodily sigh, his broad frame sinking into his amorphous seat. "Maybe," he said despondently. "Fuck, I don't know. I mean..." He paused to take a breath. "I'm still flushed for her. Course I'm still fuckin' flushed for her. Have been for sweeps, and it's not just gonna up and fuckin' disappear overnight. But..." He sighed once more. "Now every fuckin' time I think about her, I think about what a fuckin' asshole I was to her, and I can't fuckin' take it."

Gamzee just frowned. "Well, shit, bro. Not sure what all to motherfuckin' tell you."

"Yeah, I know," Eridan said, taking a swig of Faygo, then staring up at the ceiling. "It's fuckin' easy to fall in love with somebody, but how the fuck do you fall out?"

"I don't know, motherfucker," Gamzee said, then patted Eridan on the back. "But maybe I can motherfuckin' help."

Eridan laughed. "Thanks, Gam," he said, a grin creeping its way onto his face. "Hell, I think even airin' this shit out to somebody has helped me out a lot already."

"Any time, brother," Gamzee said, raising his Faygo in a toast. "Keep the motherfuckin' icecold flowin', and I'll hear you the motherfuck up." Eridan just laughed again and bumped his soda into Gamzee's.

The two sat in silence for a moment, drinking their Faygo, before Eridan piped up. "You flushed for anybody, Gam?" he turned and asked, his voice full of genuine curiosity.

Gamzee didn't respond immediately. "Yeah," he eventually muttered, staring at the floor.

Eridan looked over at him, a mild look of concern on his face. "Well, who?" he asked, then glanced over to Nepeta. "Unless that's too private."

Nepeta gave a dismissive little wave. "I already know."

Gamzee continued to stare at the floor, his cheeks beginning to flush indigo. Eridan nudged him with his elbow. "C'mon, I'm not gonna give you shit over it or anythin'."

"Tavros," Gamzee muttered, looking away.

"Tav? The fuckin' fudgeb--" Eridan snapped, then suddenly caught himself. "Well, I mean... that's not so bad. I guess. I mean, you two are friends or somethin', right? Sorry, I get all this shit third-hand from Kar."

Gamzee slumped down in his seat. "We were, up before I went and fucked it up."

Eridan cocked an eyebrow. "What happened?"

Gamzee sighed. "I jumped the motherfuckin' gun," he said dejectedly. "Propositioned him to some sloppy makeouts down from the motherfuckin' purple. Scared the brother off."

"Aw, shit, I'm sorry, Gam," Eridan said with a supportive pat on the shoulder.

"Ain't your fault, motherfucker," Gamzee said, lightly jabbing a fist into Eridan's rib. "I'm the dumb motherfucker what fucked it all over."

"Well, wait," Eridan said and turned in his bean bag chair, leaning into it on his side, "just how bad are we fuckin' talkin' here? What did he say?"

Gamzee at last lifted his head and turned to Eridan. "That's just it, motherfucker, he didn't say shit," he said. "Just stopped motherfuckin' talkin' and signed off before a while."

"Well, that's not a fuckin' rejection," Eridan said, trying his best not to sound amused, "that's just fuckin' Tav. I mean, yeah, you probably spooked him good, but that doesn't mean the end of the fuckin' ride for you two. You might still have a chance."

"Yeah, maybe," Gamzee said, looking away again.

Eridan clamped a hand on his shoulder. "No, Gam, look at me," he said, and Gamzee complied. "I think you should fuckin' go for it. I mean, between us, we're the two loneliest brinesuckers in fuckin' paradox space. I think one of us deserves a shot at true love."

Gamzee looked him in the eyes, smiling weakly. "You think so?"

Eridan just smirked. "Motherfucker, I know so," he said, and bumped his bottle of Faygo into Gamzee's chest.

"Well, shit, brother," Gamzee said with a smile, "if that's all how you're motherfuckin' feeling over that subject, I guess I've got to up and fuckin' oblige." He looked away again. "But I don't know if I can just up and confess this shit to him."

"No, no, I'm not sayin' you should do somethin' fuckin' stupid like that," Eridan said with a sudden surge of enthusiasm. "We've got to come up with a fuckin' strategy for this shit. Plot out some big fuckin' ruse to make him fall for you." He signaled over to Nepeta. "Hell, we can even get her in on it. Don't let the cutesy facade fool you, she's fuckin' devious."

"Hee hee!" Nepeta giggled. "But really, I'd be happy to help!"

"Yeah, see?" Eridan said, turning back to Gamzee. He pointed a finger at him. "Look, you stick by me, and I'll get all your shit sorted out. Get you off the slime, get you a matesprit, shit, I'll even get you a fuckin' kismesis if you want one."

"Well, shit, brother," Gamzee said, "you'd do that for me?"

"Course, Gam," Eridan said, and raised a fist in his direction. "What are moirails for?" Gamzee smiled and raised his own, and they bunped most heartily.

Nepeta squealed and clapped--or came as close to clapping as she could with her right hand occupied by a bottle of Faygo. "That's great! You really want to be meowrails?"

"Sure, why not?" Eridan asked with a smirk. "Gives me somethin' to fuckin' do."

She turned to Gamzee. "And Gamzee, you want to, too?"

"I don't see why the fuck not, sister," Gamzee said, raising his Faygo to her. "We're just two motherfuckers lookin' out on each other."

"This is great!" Nepeta exclaimed, pumping her fists in excitement. "I think you two will be pawesome fur each other!"

"Yeah, sure we will," Eridan said, then pointed his bottle of Faygo at her. "Hey, you want to stick around? Help us with this big fuckin' scheme of ours?"

Nepeta brushed the idea off with a polite wave. "Actually, I think I've occupied enough of your time fur now. You two deserve some time alone."

"Yeah, fine, this ain't no fuckin' free show anyway," Eridan said with a dismissive wave of his own. "You got enough feelin's here to get your pale rocks off for fuckin' sweeps."

Nepeta giggled. "Yeah, it's getting me all hot and bothered, let me tell you!" She started toward the hallway leading back to the hive's entrance. "Anyway, have fun, you two!"

"Hey, Nep, before you go," Eridan started, and Nepeta stopped and turned to him. "Thanks for this."

"Yeah, thanks, sister," Gamzee said, raising his Faygo. "You're a motherfuckin' miracle all up in yourself."

Nepeta raised her own Faygo bottle in a long-distance toast. "No purroblem, you two! Just doing my job." She lowered the bottle once more and took a sip. "Oh, and I'll be making another memo soon, so be ready to post on it!"

"Yeah, yeah," Eridan said, rolling his eyes, "brag to the whole fuckin' world about givin' me a morail, I get it."

"I didn't give you a meowrail, Eridan," Nepeta replied with a smirk, "I gave you a rope."

Eridan just laughed. "Yeah, yeah, fair fuckin' point," he said, and raised his bottle of Faygo to her. "See you around, kid."

"Bye, you two!" Nepeta said with an enthusiastic wave, and finally made her way out of Gamzee's hive. As she walked away, she reflected on the whole situation. She was satisfied that yet another ship had been realized, and Eridan and Gamzee really did seem to want to help each other, but she still felt like something was missing. She stopped and turned to the hive, but still couldn't figure out what it was. It wasn't until she looked into her hand that it suddenly hit her.

She needed some real fucking tea.

She turned to make her way back to her hive, tossing the half-empty bottle of Faygo behind her.

***

CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board :33 < THE SHIPPING WALL.

CAC: *the rogue of heart suddenly bursts into the m33ting hall, the spoils of another successful ship gleaming in her hands*
CURRENT caligulasAquarium [CCA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCA: look nep do wwe really havve to do this
CAC: :33 < hey! you interrupted my introduction!
CCA: god nobody evven givves a shit about your stupid introductions
CAC: :33 < more like nopawdy gives a shit about your stupid face!
PAST centaursTesticle [PCT] 15 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCT: D --> Language
CAC: :33 < equius, stay out of this!
CAC banned PCT from responding to memo.
CCA: i mean do you really havve to announce this
CAC: :33 < why wouldnt i ameownce it?
CCA: look i just
CCA: i kinda wwant to keep the wwhole thing loww key ok
CAC: :33 < oh, well in THAT case
CAC: :OO < i am INCREDIBLY PLEASED to VERY PAWBLICALLY AMEOWNCE that ERIDAN AMPURRA and GAMZ33 MAKARA are officially MEOWRAILS!!!!
CAC: :OO < IS EFURRYPAWDY NOT INCREDIBLY HAPPY TO HEAR THAT???
CCA: god damnit
CCA: i just fuckin set myself up for that one didnt i
FUTURE twinArmageddons [FTA] 12 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FTA: eheheh, yeah dude, you pretty much diid.
CCA: oh great here comes the fuckin peanut gallery noww
CCA: thank you so fuckin much for this nep
CAC: :33 < h33 h33! youre welcome!
FTA: 2o where'2 the lucky clown now?
CCA: ugh fine may as wwell drag him into this
CURRENT terminallyCapricious [CTC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTC: ShIt, YeAh, I'm MoThErFuCkIn HeRe.
CTC: HoNk HoNk HoNk! :o)
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 3 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
CAC banned PCG from responding to memo.
PAST carcinoGeneticist [PCG] 1 MINUTE AGO responded to memo.
CAC banned PCG from responding to memo.
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCG: GOD DAMNIT, WHY DO I KEEP GETTING FUCKING BANNED.
FTA: eheheheh, ii 2ee you've dii2covered how the temporal lock2 work.
FTA: np deciided to tiighten the lea2h on you after the iinciident on the previiou2 memo.
CCG: THAT IS SO FUCKING STUPID, WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT.
CCG: NOW I'VE GOT TO MARCH IN PERFECT FUCKING LOCKSTEP WITH THESE MEMOS IF I EVER WANT TO RESPOND TO THEM?
FTA: liike that'2 even a fuckiing problem.
FTA: you've already been re2pondiing two them iin real fuckiing tiime from the very begiinniing, mii2ter wannabe troll hiitch.
CCG: SHUT UP.
FTA: wow, niice comeback, bro.
CCG: NO SERIOUSLY, SHUT UP, I CAME HERE FOR A REASON.
CCG: NAMELY, GAMZEE, ARE YOU SERIOUSLY MOIRAILS WITH ERIDAN NOW?
CTC: FuCk YeAh, BeSt PlAtOnIc MoThErFuCkIn FrIeNd.
CTC: We PrEtTy MuCh Up AnD mAdE tHaT sHiT mOtHeRfUcKiN oFfIcIaL.
CCG: OH.
CCG: WELL THAT'S
CCG: KIND OF WEIRD, BUT OKAY, I GUESS.
FTA: 2eriiou2ly, ed, ii can't beliieve you were 2o fuckiing de2perate for company that you let np 2et you up iin a moiirallegiiance wiith thii2 fuckiing guy.
CCA: shut the fuck up sol im fuckin searious about this
CCA: ivve got all sorts of plans for this motherfucker right here
CCA: im gettin him off fuckin sopor for one fuckin thing
CCA: then wwere gonna fill all the rest a his fuckin quadrants out and basically get all his fuckin shit together
CCA: its gonna be fuckin glorious
PAST adiosToreador [PAT] 10 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PAT: wHOA, uH, hANG ON,
PAT: yOU'RE TAKING HIM OFF THE SLIME,
CCA: yeah thats pretty much priority fuckin one right noww
PAT: wELL, yOU SHOULD PROBABLY, bE CAREFUL,
PAT: hE TENDS TO BEHAVE A BIT, uH,
PAT: eRRATICALLY,
PAT: wHEN HE FORGETS TO EAT IT,
CCA: tavv i appreciate your concern and all but i think ivve got this under fuckin control
CCA: wwere in full detox mode ovver here
CCA: pretty much goin straight up cold featherbeast
CCA: evven drained the slime outta the fuckin recuperacoon
CCA: gonna fuckin suck sleepin on a pile a empty faygo bottles but its a sacrifice im wwillin to make
PAT: wAIT, yOU MEAN,
PAT: yOU STARTED ALREADY,
CCA: wwell yeah
CCA: its kinda the first thing on the fuckin agenda
CCA: dont wworry about it tavv ill take good care of him
PAT: oH, i'M SURE HE'LL BE FINE,
PAT: i WAS MORE WORRIED ABOUT, uH,
PAT: yOU, sPECIFICALLY
CCA: wwhat
PAT: wELL, lOOK, iF ANYTHING BAD HAPPENS,
PAT: jUST CONTACT ME,
CCA: i think ill be fuckin fine but ok
CTC: HeY tAvBrO!
CTC: WhAt tHe FuCk Is Up My BrOtHeR?
CTC: HoNk HoNk! :o)
PAT: oH, uH, hEY gAMZEE, nOT MUCH,
PAT: i JUST GOT DONE WITH MY FIRST FEELINGS JAM WITH vRISKA,
PAT: sO THAT WAS PRETTY COOL,
CTC: AwWwWwW sHiT yEaH, bRo!
CTC: TaVbRo TaMiN tHe MoThErFuCkIn SpIdEr!
CTC: SpIlL tHaT sHiT, bRoThEr FrOm AnOtHeR gRuBmOtHeR!
PAT: hAHA, wELL,
PAT: mUCH MUTUAL CONCILIATION WAS REALIZED,
PAT: aND IT WAS VERY PRODUCTIVE FOR ALL PARTIES INVOLVED,
PAST arachnidsGrip [PAG] 8 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PAG: Whoa, hey, Tavros, easy with the pillow talk!!!!!!!!
PAG: This is kind of priv8 stuff here!!!!!!!!
CTC: HaHaHa, SpIlL aLl ThAt ShIt, TaVbRo!
CTC: SpIlL iT lIkE a FaYgO yOu AlL sHoOk Up ToO mUcH aNd OpEnEd It!
CTC: FoAm AlL sPrAyIn EvErYwHeRe MaKiN iT rAiN a MiLlIoN mOtHeRfUcKiN mIrAcLeS dOwN uP tHe MoThErFuCkIn SkY!
CTC: SoMe Of ThAt ShIt GeTs In OnE oF yOuR pIeS aNd It'S aNoThEr MoThErFuCkIn MiRaClE aLl ItS oWn!
PAT: wELL, i DON'T WANT TO GET TOO HORNOGRAPHIC,
PAT: bUT SEVERAL FIST BUNPS WERE HAD,
PAT: aND A PILE MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN INVOLVED,
PAG: Uuuuuuuugh, Tavros, you're em8arrassing me!!!!!!!!
PAT: hAHA, vRISKA, iT'S NOTHING TO BE EMBARRASSED ABOUT,
PAT: aLL WE DID WAS TALK ABOUT FEELINGS,
CCA: yeah vvris
CCA: i mean gam an ivve been jammin all night ovver here
CCA: ok shit wwhen i say it that wway it sounds dirty
CCA: but seariously its not a huge deal
PAG: Sorry, I'm just kind of used to moirail stuff 8eing more intim8.
PAG: Like when your moirail m8kes a 8unch of skimpy outfits and t8kes pictures of you trying them on.
PAG: Or when you t8ke a 8ath and your moirail scru8s down your whole 8ody for you.
CCG: UH
CAC: :33 < er
PAG: ........Neither of those are actual moirail things, are they?
CAC: :33 < no, not really!
PAG: God damn you, Kanaya!!!!!!!!
FUTURE grimAuxiliatrix [FGA] 17 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FGA: I Would Say Im Sorry
FGA: But Im Seriously Not Even A Little Sorry
PAG: Hahahahahahahaha, <33333333
FGA: <3
FGA ceased responding to memo.
FTA: ugh, could you two 2eriiou2ly ju2t fuckiing 2top wiith the con2tant pda2 already?
CCG: OH WOW, SOLLUX, IS IT REALLY ANNOYING WHEN TWO PEOPLE ARE CONSTANTLY FUCKING HITTING ON EACH OTHER IN THESE MEMOS???
CCG: WHATEVER COULD HAVE POSSIBLY MADE YOU FUCKING THINK THAT?????
PAG: Yeah, you're really one to fucking talk, lover8oy!!!!!!!!
PAG: Flirted with any heiresses l8ely?
FTA: the diifference between me and ff and you and kn ii2 that you're a fuckiing annoyiing biitch.
PAG: No, the difference is that me and Kanaya are m8sprits!!!!!!!!
PAG: What does that make YOU, Mr. Commitment????????
FTA: that'2 not any of your fuckiing bu2iine22, vk.
FUTURE cuttlefishCuller [FCC] 8 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCC: Yea)(, Vriska, t)(is R-E-ELY isn't t)(e time or t)(e place for t)(is, so please just let it go!
PAG: Okay, okay, I'll drop it, 8ut only for your s8ke.
PAG: Seriously, you can't let this douche8ag string you along forever.
FCC: VRISKA.
FCC: >38(
PAG: Dropping it!!!!!!!! It's dropped!!!!!!!!
CCA: oh uh
CCA: hey fef
FCC: )(ey -Eridan.
FCC: I'm R-E-ELY )(APPY for you! And I'm glad you found anot)(er morayeel!
FCC: And I )(ope t)(ings go SWIMMINGLY for you two!
CCA: yeah thanks
CCA: look uh fef
CCA: just wwhile youre here
CCA: theres somethin i wwanted to say to you
FCC: U)(... w)(at is it?
CCA: its not anythin desperate or stupid so just hear me out ok
CCA: i just wanted to say
CCA: im really sorry for the wway i treated you wwhen wwe wwere moirails
CCA: i wwas basically a complete piece a shit to you an i nevver gavve any consideration to your feelins an you had evvery fuckin right to wwant to end it
FCC: -Eridan, t)(at's not entirely true!
CCA: no it is entirely fuckin true
CCA: i wwas a complete asshole to you and you deservved better
CCA: an i realize at this point ivve pretty much fuckin sunk all hope a you bein my matesprit
CCA: but i hope at some point wwe can at least be friends
FCC: Of course, -Eridan! I would LOV-E t)(at!
CCA: yeah i figured
CCA: but for noww i think
CCA: itd be for the best if wwe just kinda avvoided each other
CCA: not for anythin youvve done mind you
CCA: its just that right noww evvery time i think of you i think of wwhat a complete fuckin scumbag i wwas and
CAC: it hurts fef
FCC: I understand, Eridan.
FCC: Whenever you're ready to talk to me again, I'll be there.
FCC: And for the record, I'm really sorry for the way things turned out between us.
CCA: fef dont apologize it wasnt your fault
FCC: Yes it was!
FCC: Well, I mean, it was both of our faults, probably.
FCC: Look, just don't blame this whole thing entirely on yourself.
FCC: You're a great guy, Eridan. I really mean that.
FCC: I hope you and Gamzee can help each other the way we never did.
FCC: And I hope you find a matesprit who can make you happier than I ever could.
CCA: thanks fef
CCA: for the record i hope things work out with you and sol too
CCA: or whoever else youre thinkin about pursuin
FCC: Thank you, Eridan.
FCC: And whenever you want to talk to me, please feel free.
FCC: Hopefully sooner rather than later.
CCA: of course fef
FCC: But I've wasted enough of your time.
FCC: I t)(ink I'll just reef you abalone for now!
CCA: its fine really
CCA: wwait i mean reely
CCA: just
CCA: havve a good life fef
FCC: You too, -Eridan!
FCC: Glub glub glub! 38D
FCC ceased responding to memo.
FTA: wow, that wa2...
FTA: 2urprii2iingly mature of you, ed.
CCA: and as for you sol
CCA: lets just say this little black thing betwween us is fuckin OVVER
CCA: that ship has fuckin SAILED my friend
CCA: from noww on youll find nothin but platonic dislike from me
FTA: oh no, ed, ii'm cru2hed, really.
FTA: what could have ever cau2ed thii2 paiinful riift between u2?
CCA: i dont wwanna revveal too many details
CCA: but lets just say ivve got a kismesis in mind thatll make our little fling look like the grubs play it alwways fuckin wwas
PAG: Wow, really, Eridan?
PAG: Just who is this maaaaaaaagical h8crush of yours????????
CCA: for fucks sake vvris theres nothin fuckin magic about it
CCA: and dont evven fuckin flatter yourself thinkin its you
CCA: that ships sailed so far its fuckin sunk
CCA: its twwenty thousand leagues under the fuckin sea by noww
PAG: Hahahahahahahaha, whatever.
PAG: I'm so over our pathetic little kismesissitude, it needs a telescope to even see me.
PAG: I'm just wondering who the unlucky target's going to 8e.
CCA: not that its any of your fuckin business but im not evven the fuckin instigator here
CCA: just recently the clouds parted and dowwn from the blisterin sun descended an awwesome and terrible obsidian angel wwreathed in searin wwings a vviridian flame
CCA: then she opened her beautiful maww and wwith a single wword she completely fuckin annihilated my shit in the blackest a caliginous flames
FTA: ed, what the actual fuck are you even talkiing about.
PAG: Yeah, this is starting to sound like some kind of fucked up su8jugglator cult story.
CCA: and the best part is she doesnt evven realize wwhat the fuck she evven did
CCA: like she pretty much just threww out this amazin black solicitation in the most blatant fuckin wway possible and then just treated it like it wwas this completely innocent thing
CAC: :33 < eridan, as much as i hate to interrupt you
CAC: :33 < which is not at all
CAC: :33 < beclaws i kind of dont even like you
CAC: :33 < this really isnt the place to talk about blackrom!
CCA: yeah yeah i knoww
CCA: probably shouldnt evven be disclosin shit about it in such an obvvious fuckin wway
FTA: yeah, well, good luck wiith all that weiird 2hiit you were ju2t talkiing about.
FTA: and thanks for not beiing 2uch a fuckiing tool about me and ff.
CCA: youre not wwelcome asshole
CCA: just cause wwere not rivvals anymore doesnt mean wwere suddenly fuckin friends
FTA: ii wouldn't havve iit any other way, ed.
CCA: an good luck tryin to find somebody to fuckin replace me
PAG: Oh, I wouldn't even worry a8out that, Eridan.
PAG: Sollux is unlikea8le enough that finding some8ody that h8es him should 8e gru8's play!
FTA: oh god, vk, don't even 2tart.
PAG: That is, unless he's a complete fucking idi8 who's too stupid to know a good kismesis when he sees one!!!!!!!!
FTA: vk, for the la2t tiime, ju2t fuck off.
FTA: ii am not even iintere2ted iin you liike that.
FTA: and for fuck'2 2ake, 2top fuckiing talkiing to ff.
PAG: Why? Are you her moirail or something????????
PAG: Oh, that's right! She's just some girl to you!
PAG: So may8e YOU'RE the one who should just fuck off!!!!!!!!
FTA: vk, 2hut the fuck up!
FTA: what'2 goiing on between me and ff ii2 none of your fuckiing concern!
PAG: Well, it's o8viously none of yours, either!!!!!!!!
PAG: May8e I'm just looking out for her, you ever think a8out that????????
FTA: 2iince when are you 2o iintere2ted iin ff, anyway?
FTA: do you want to murder her, too?
PAG: Oh, you s8n of a f8cking 8ITCH!!!!!!!!
CAC: XOO < WHAT DID I JUST SAY!!!
CAC: XOO < NO BLACKROM!!!
CAC banned PAG from responding to memo.
CAC banned FTA from responding to memo.
PAT: uH, wOW,
PAT: wHAT EVEN JUST HAPPENED,
PAT: lIKE,
PAT: sHOULD i BE CONCERNED FOR vRISKA'S SAFETY RIGHT NOW,
CCG: I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT, TAVROS.
CCG: SOLLUX IS KIND OF FUCKED UP SOMETIMES, BUT I DON'T THINK HE'S GOING TO TRY TO KILL HER.
CCG: IF ONLY BECAUSE IT'D GO AGAINST THE POINT HE'S TRYING TO MAKE.
CCA: ok im just gonna fuckin say it
CCA: anybody else get a fuckin bulge just from readin that
CCG: OH MY GOD NO SHUT UP.
CCA: ok ok battin dowwn the fuckin hatches here
CCA: look kar wwhile im airin shit out i may as wwell say
CCA: im sorry for bein such an annoyin piece a shit to you about this wwhole thing wwith fef
CCG: NO, MAN, DON'T EVEN WORRY ABOUT IT.
CCG: YOU HAD A LOT OF EMOTIONAL WEIGHT INVESTED IN IT, AND SHE JUST KIND OF PULLED THE FUCKING RUG OUT FROM UNDER YOU.
CCG: NOW I FEEL KIND OF SHITTY FOR BEING SUCH A DICK TO YOU ABOUT IT.
CCA: kar dont be sorry
CCA: i really wwas bein a fuckin tool to you
CCA: i wwas just wworkin more a my fuckin emotional theatrics on you the wwhole fuckin time
CCA: couldnt evven drop the fuckin pretenses for a friend
CCG: ERIDAN, JUST
CCG: FORGET IT, OKAY?
CCG: I UNDERSTAND.
CCA: ok
CCA: so
CCA: wwe cool
CCG: WE COOL.
CCA: thanks kar
CCA: youre a true fuckin friend
CCG: DON'T SWEAT IT.
CCG; JUST TAKE CARE OF GAMZEE, OKAY?
CCG: HE FUCKING NEEDS IT.
CTC: AnD yOu TaKe CaRe On YoUr OwN mOtHeRfUcKiN sElF, bEsT pLaToNiC mOtHeRfUcKiN fRiEnD.
CTC: HoNk. ;o)
CCG: UH, RIGHT.
CCG: SURE THING, GAMZEE.
CCG: I'LL GET RIGHT FUCKING ON THAT.
CCG: AND IF YOU EVER WANT TO TALK ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS OR ANYTHING, BY ALL MEANS, FEEL FUCKING FREE.
CCA: thanks kar i really appreciate it
CCG: I REALIZE THIS IS KIND OF A SHITTY THING TO ASK, GIVEN THE WHOLE SHITSTORM WITH YOU AND FEFERI
CCG: BUT ARE YOU THINKING OF LOOKING FOR ANOTHER MATESPRIT YET?
CCA: as a matter a fact i fuckin am
CCA: got a prime target in my crosshairs right fuckin noww
CCA: nep an i are devvisin such a brilliant fuckin scheme to wwin em ovver theyll nevver see it comin
CCA: wwoww fuck i just realized that wwas a really shitty wway a sayin that nevvermind
CCG: WELL SHIT, I'D LOVE TO GET IN ON THAT.
CCG: I HEAR ABOUT NEPETA PULLING ALL THESE INSANE ROMANTIC COMEDY-ESQUE SHENANIGANS AND IT GIVES ME THE WEIRDEST FUCKING BULGE.
CAC: :33 < h33 h33, what?
CCG: WAIT, SHIT
CCG: I JUST REALIZED THAT WAS LIKE COMPELTELY THE WRONG FUCKING WAY TO SAY THAT.
CAC: :33 < well, id love fur you to get involved, karkitty!
CAC: :33 < but this purrticular plan is r3333ally complicated already!
CAC: :33 < there are already a lot of people involved
CAC: :33 < im afurraid if i try to add any more, itll all collapse upawn itself!
CCG: JEGUS, YOU MAKE IT SOUND LIKE A FUCKING DIAMOND HEIST.
CCG: GODDAMN IT WHY DID I JUST SAY JEGUS
CAC: :33 < h33 h33!
CAC: :33 < well, it kind of is!
CAC: :33 < except a diamond isnt the purrticular jewel were after!
CCG: YEAH YEAH, THE REAL TREASURE IS THE HEART OF THE GIRL, OR SOME OTHER SHITTY METAPHOR LIKE THAT, I GET IT.
CAC: :33 < actually, the jewel metafur is slightly more literal in this case
CAC: :33 < but only a little!
CCG: WHAT?
CAC: :33 < im giving too much away already!
CAC: :33 < just wait!
CAC: :33 < itll be clawrious, youll s33!
CCG: OKAY, MORE CAGEY BULLSHIT, GOTCHA.
CCG: WELL, IF YOU EVER WANT TO WORK ON SOME ZANY PLOT TOGETHER, HIT ME THE FUCK UP.
CCG: I WILL GLADLY BE THE TROLL KEVIN JAMES TO YOUR TROLL WILL SMITH.
CAC: :33 < wow, karkitty, im flattered!
CCG: RIGHT, WHATEVER.
CCG: ERIDAN, DON'T FUCK UP TOO BADLY WITH GAMZEE.
CCG: GAMZEE, DON'T ANNOY ERIDAN TOO MUCH.
CCG: TAVROS, UH... NOT REALLY SURE WHAT TO SAY TO YOU.
PAT: i DON'T KNOW, mAYBE,
PAT: dON'T LET vRISKA KILL OR MAIM ME AGAIN,
CCG: AHAHAHAHA YES, THAT IS THE PERFECT THING TO SAY, GOOD WORK.
CCG: AND NEPETA, KEEP FUCKING SHIPPING.
CAC: :33 < sir yes sir!
CCG: AND FOR GOD'S SAKE
CCG: PLEASE NEVER STOP SAYING THAT WHENEVER I GIVE YOU AN ORDER.
CAC: :33 < h33 h33, sir yes sir!!
CCG: YOU DIDN'T ASK, BUT YES, ADDING THE GIGGLE IS ACCEPTABLE.
CCG: ANYWAY, I'M THE FUCK OUT.
CCG ceased responding to memo.
PAT: yEAH, i SHOULD PROBABLY GO, tOO
PAT: vRISKA'S PROBABLY GOING TO BE FUMING ABOUT sOLLUX SOON,
PAT: sO i'LL NEED TO, uH,
PAT: cALM HER DOWN ABOUT THAT,
PAT: };)
CTC: AwWwWwW sHiT, tAvBrO's AbOuT tO gEt HiS mOtHeRfUcKiN pAlEbRo On!
CTC: EvAcUaTe ThE mOtHeRfUcKiN pReMiSeS, bEcAuSe SoMe SeRiOuS mOtHeRfUcKiN cOnCiLiAtIoN iS aBoUt To Go ThE fUcK dOwN!!
PAT: hAHA, yEAH,
PAT: tHANKS, gAMZEE,
PAT: aND i REALLY HOPE YOUR MOIRALLEGIANCE WORKS OUT,
CCA: yeah thanks tavv
CCA: it seems like you an gam are really good fuckin friends
CCA: so hopefully wwe can talk more
PAT: uH, yEAH, sURE,
PAT: sO, gOOD LUCK TO YOU TWO,
PAT: aND i KNOW i ALREADY SAID THIS,
PAT: bUT, bE CAREFUL WITH THE SOPOR,
CCA: yeah of course
PAT: oKAY, wELL,
PAT: bYE,
PAT ceased responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < okay, well, that about wraps up this memo!
CAC: :33 < unless either of you have anything else to say
CCA: nah not really
CTC: YeAh, We'Re PrEtTy MuCh MoThErFuCkIn GoOd, CaTsIs.
CTC: ExCePt MaYbE fOr AnOtHeR cHaNcE tO uP aNd SaY tHaNkS fOr AlL tHiS sHiT aGaIn.
CCA: yeah sure lets go wwith that
CCA: thanks for settin all this up
CAC: :33 < hey, no purroblem!
CAC: :33 < just following my orders! ;33
CCA: but yeah thats it
CAC: :33 < great!
CAC: :33 < so i guess we can just close efurrything up here!
CCA: oh god youre not gonna do a stupid fuckin closin roleplayin narration are you
CAC: :33 < hey, screw you, my narrations are pawesome!
PAST centaursTesticle [PCT] 18 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCT: D --> Nepeta, language
CAC: :33 < equius, this doesnt even concern you, so just SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!!
PCT: D --> Hrrrrk
CCA: yeah eq if your fuckin moirail wwants to insult me she can damn wwell use wwhatevver fuckin language she wwants
CCA: so wwhy dont you just mind your owwn fuckin business
CAC: :33 < yeah, equius!
PCT: D --> I
PCT: D --> But
PCT: D --> This is
CAC banned PCT from responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < ugh, now i dont even f33l like doing a narration!
CAC: :33 < thanks a lot, eridan, you stupid douche!
PAST centaursTesticle [PCT] 17 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
CAC: NO
CAC banned PCT from responding to memo.
CCA: im doin you a fuckin favvor those things are embarrassin
CAC: :33 < well maybe i dont want any favors furom you!
CCA: wwell seein as i owwe you one youre gonna fuckin get it
CAC: :33 < ugh, this is so stupid!!
CAC: :33 < now i dont even know how to end this memo!
CAC: :33 < so im just banning efurryone!
CAC banned CCA from responding to memo.
CAC banned CTC from responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < howd the opawning narration even go?
CAC: :33 < something about bursting into the room with treasure
CAC: :33 < oh fuck it, im just banning myself
CAC banned herself from responding to memo.
PAST centaursTesticle [PCT] 16 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PCT: D --> NEPE
PCT: D --> Oh
PCT: D --> Um
PCT: D --> Fiddlesti%
CAC banned PCT from responding to memo.

CAC closed memo.

Chapter Text

Chapter 7

Sidelines

gallowsCalibrator [GC] began trolling apocalypseArisen [AA].

GC: H3Y
AA: what
GC: OH 1M GR34T 4R4D14, HOW 4R3 YOU
AA: is that all
GC: NO TH4TS NOT 4LL!!!! >:[
GC: 1M TRY1NG TO T4LK TO YOU 4R4D14
AA: 0k
GC: 1T K1ND OF S33M3D L1K3 YOU W3R3 FR34K1NG OUT 1N TH3 M3MO Y3ST3RD4Y
GC: SOM3TH1NG 4BOUT 4N 1NCONC31V4BLY POW3RFUL 3NT1TY M3DDL1NG W1TH OUR T1M3L1N3
AA: yes
AA: thats still s0mething im d0ing
GC: SOOO
GC: D1D YOU W4NT TO T4LK 4BOUT 1T
AA: i d0nt kn0w
AA: will talking ab0ut it help
GC: M4YB3 1T W1LL M4YB3 1T WONT
GC: BUT W1LL NOT T4LK1NG 4BOUT 1T H3LP?
AA: n0
GC: TH3N 1 SHOULD TH1NK TH3 4LT3RN4T1V3 1S 4 WHOL3 LOT FUCK1NG B3TTER!
AA: 0k
AA: well
AA: this timeline is d00med
AA: i kn0w i keep saying that but its kind 0f a big deal
AA: im still n0t sure h0w 0r when exactly it diverged fr0m the alpha timeline but it was s0mewhere in the past week
GC: HOW DO YOU KNOW 1TS DOOM3D 1F YOU DONT KNOW WH3N 1T H4PP3N3D?
AA: well
AA: im n0t supp0sed t0 tell y0u this
AA: but a l0t 0f things that arent supp0sed t0 be happening are anyway
AA: s0 screw it
AA: ive been maintaining a private bulletin b0ard t0 serve as an archive 0f inf0rmation useful t0 myself
AA: and by myself i mean every instance 0f myself in this and all 0ther extant timelines
AA: it c0ntains am0ng 0ther things a detailed l0g 0f all the events that transpire in the alpha timeline up t0 several weeks after the defeat 0f the black king
AA: and it states in n0 uncertain terms that any deviati0n fr0m such events indicates 0nes presence in a d00med timeline
GC: W41T
GC: SO YOU 4LR34DY KNOW HOW 3V3RYTH1NG GO3S?
AA: i kn0w h0w everything is supp0sed t0 g0
AA: and h0w it d0es g0 in the alpha timeline
AA: but in this timeline things have deviated significantly
GC: BUT YOU S41D B3FOR3 TH3R3 W4S SOM3TH1NG D1FF3R3NT 4BOUT TH1S T1M3L1N3
GC: 1T W4SNT B31NG D1SPOS3D OF OR SOM3TH1NG
AA: right
AA: parad0x space has mechanisms f0r eliminating any existence that is parad0xical in nature
AA: 0ur universe was created thr0ugh an unspeakably elab0rate series 0f stable time l00ps
AA: and 0f c0urse vari0us elements fr0m 0ther d00med timelines and even 0ther universes play vital r0les in this transacti0n
AA: any deviati0n fr0m this tightly scripted sequence 0f events will result in the failure 0f the universe t0 create itself thus making its existence a parad0x
AA: and thus any timeline that strays fr0m the events 0f the s0 called alpha timeline is d00med t0 be sl0wly and inex0rably destr0yed
AA: but even th0ugh this particular iterati0n is undeniably d00med it seems the pr0cess 0f its destructi0n has been p0stp0ned
GC: OK4Y
GC: SO WH4T SHOULD B3 H4PP3N1NG R1GHT NOW?
AA: right n0w this instance 0f 0ur universe sh0uld be sl0wly disintegrating
AA: f0r an instance t0 st0p existing entirely can take several sweeps
AA: but generally pe0ple g0 crazy and start murdering each 0ther f0r n0 apparent reas0n l0ng bef0re then
GC: WHY?
AA: i d0nt kn0w
AA: its a d00m thing i guess
GC: SO TH1S V3RS1ON OF OUR UN1V3RS3 1S DOOM3D
GC: BUT 1TS NOT F4D1NG 4W4Y TH3 W4Y 1T SHOULD B3
AA: essentially yes
GC: TH4T 4LMOST S33MS L1K3 4 GOOD TH1NG
GC: SO 1M 4SSUM1NG 1TS 4 HORR1BL3 TH1NG FOR SOM3 R34SON
AA: kind 0f
AA: the 0nly reas0n i can think 0f f0r the pr0cess t0 st0p is that s0me entity with p0wer 0ver the entr0pic mechanisms of parad0x space is actively h0lding them back
AA: and m0st such entities that i kn0w 0f are incredibly p0werful and unspeakably malev0lent
GC: JUST MOST OF TH3M? >:/
AA: there are 0thers 0f c0urse
AA: and alm0st certainly still m0re that i am unaware 0f
AA: but i assume their g0als w0uld be in direct c0ntradiction t0 th0se 0f the af0rementioned malev0lent 0nes and w0uld likely draw their ire
AA: and thus their preservati0n eff0rts w0uld be equally danger0us t0 us if n0t m0re s0
GC: W3LL
GC: WH4T COULD TH1S 3NT1TY W4NT FROM OUR T1M3L1N3?
AA: i d0nt kn0w
AA: ive tried expl0ring the timeline but with0ut the restricti0ns 0f being the alpha timeline there are an inc0nceivable number 0f branches
AA: s0me 0f them have actually started decaying again
AA: usually because 0ne 0f the players died
AA: but there are c0untless 0thers where all the players are alive and relatively speaking everything is fine but the pr0cess resumes anyway
AA: its kind 0f ann0ying
GC: Y34H, 1T SOUNDS L1K3 1T WOULD B3 >:[
GC: H4V3 YOU TR13D V1S1T1NG 4NY OTH3R T1M3L1N3S?
GC: M4YB3 3V3N TH3 4LPH4?
AA: n0
AA: the rttu suggests leaving a d00med timeline results in an even faster death than usual
AA: usually by expl0ding
GC: RTTU?
AA: s0rry r0ad t0 the und0ing
AA: its the name 0f the b0ard
GC: H4H4H4H4 TH4TS 4 STUP1D N4M3
AA: 0_0
GC: 1T SOUNDS L1K3 4 B4D TH1RD P4RTY FL4RP MODUL3
AA: ha i guess it kind 0f d0es
AA: ribbit
Gc: H3H3H3H3H3 >:D
Gc: 4NYW4Y
Gc: 1F TH1S T1M3L1N3 1S B31NG PROT3CT3D
GC: M4YB3 TH4T PROT3CT1ON WOULD 3XT3ND TO YOU 3V3N 1F YOU L3FT
AA: hm
AA: i didnt think 0f that
AA: but if it d0esnt and i try it ill pr0bably expl0de
AA: 0f c0urse even if i d0 there will still be a timeline where i decided n0t t0 try it s0 it d0esnt really matter
GC: TH4TS 4 PR3TTY C4V4L13R 4TT1TUD3 TO T4K3 ON YOUR OWN D34TH
AA: im a time player
AA: we have t0 be 0k with this kind 0f thing
GC: 1 GU3SS >:|
GC: BUT TH3R3 M1GHT B3 4 R3L14BL3 W4Y OF T3ST1NG 1T R1GHT NOW
AA: h0w
GC: S1MPL3
GC: W3 D3L1B3R4T3LY CR34T3 4 BR4NCH
GC: 1LL FL1P 4 CO1N 4ND T3LL YOU TH3 R3SULT
GC: 1F 1TS H34DS YOU GO TO TH3 4LPH4 T1M3L1N3 4ND H4NG OUT FOR 4 WH1L3
GC: 4ND 1F 1TS SCR4TCH YOU SW34R N3V3R TO TRY TO HOP TO 4NOTH3R T1M3L1N3
GC: TH3N 31TH3R W4Y YOU TR4V3L B4CK TO R1GHT 4FT3R 1 C4LL3D 1T
AA: s0 if i expl0de in the alpha timeline ill have a n0n d00med aradia t0 replace me immediately
AA: and if i c0me back safely there will be tw0 0f me
AA: but 0ne 0f them will c0me fr0m a pr0perly d00med timeline and thus alm0st immediately expl0de
AA: and whichever 0ne survives will indicate the pr0per c0urse 0f acti0n
GC: 3X4CTLY! >:]
AA: w0w
AA: maybe y0u sh0uld have been the time player
GC: YOUR3 4 F1N3 T1M3 PL4Y3R
GC: 1 M4Y B3 GOOD 4T TH3 WHOL3 T3MPOR4L LOG1ST1CS TH1NG
GC: BUT YOUR3 4 LOT B3TT3R 4T DY1NG
AA: 0_0
GC: OK4Y TH4T W4S 4 SH1TTY TH1NG TO S4Y
AA: its 0k
GC: NO 1TS NOT 0K!!!
GC: 1 PR3TTY MUCH JUST SH1T 4LL OV3R YOUR F33L1NGS 4ND 1TS NOT COOL
AA: i am a tin can
AA: r0b0ts d0nt have feelings
GC: OK4Y 1M 4LMOST 3NT1R3LY C3RT41N TH4TS S4RC4SM
GC: 4ND TH3R3FOR3 COMPL3T3LY S3LF D3F34T1NG
AA: sarcasm isnt a feeling n00kstain
AA: ribbit
GC: >:O
GC: 4R4D14 YOU 4R3 G3TT1NG DOWNR1GHT S4SSY W1TH M3!!!
AA: s0rry
AA: i d0 have em0ti0ns n0w
AA: m0stly anger
AA: n0 sh0rtage 0f lust either 0_0
AA: but thats ab0ut it as far as i kn0w
GC: >:P
GC: 1 GU3SS 3QU1US R34LLY H4D H1S PR1OR1T13S STR41GHT
AA: ugh yes
GC: "UGH Y3S"
GC: TH4TS PR3TTY MUCH TH3 SUMM4RY OF YOUR R3L4T1ONSH1P 1SNT 1T
GC: D --> 4R4D14 DO3S TH1S ROBOT BODY 100K 4%3PT4BL3 TO YOU
GC: UGH Y3S
GC: D --> 4R4D14 W1LL YOU K1SS M3 NOW
GC: UGH Y3S
GC: D --> 4R4D14 W1LL YOU PL34S3 SL4P M3 4 L1TTL3 H4RD3R
GC: UGH Y3S
AA: 0k
AA: please st0p
GC: H3H3H3H3 F1N3
AA: can we d0 the thing with the c0in n0w
GC: SUR3
GC: 4R3 YOU R34DY FOR TH3 N1GH 1NCOMPR3H3NS1BL3 PROB4B1L1ST1C T1M3 B1FURC4T1ON TH4T 1S 4BOUT TO UNFOLD??
AA: just flip the fucking c0in ne0phyte
GC: ...WH4T?
AA: i d0nt kn0w
AA: im n0t even sure why i said that
AA: in retr0spect its a really stupid thing t0 say
AA: 0_0
AA: but seri0usly flip it
GC: OK4Y
GC: 1TS H34DS
AA: 0k
AA: 0h w0w
GC: WH4T?
AA: just an expl0ding aradiab0t
AA: n0 big deal
AA: ribbit
GC: SO D1D YOU V1S1T TH3 4LPH4 T1M3L1N3?
AA: yes
GC: GR34T!!! >:D
GC: SO NOW YOU KNOW YOU C4N V1S1T OTH3R T1M3L1N3S W1THOUT 3XPLOD1NG!
AA: yes
AA: thats actually
AA: extremely helpful
AA: thank y0u terezi
GC: NO PROBL3M, H3H3
GC: BUT JUST 1N TH3 1NT3R3ST OF FULL D1SCLOSUR3
GC: 1 SHOULD PROB4BLY T3LL YOU
GC: 1 D1DNT 3V3N LOOK 4T TH3 CO1N 4FT3R 1 FL1PP3D 1T
GC: 1 JUST GU3SS3D 1T W4S H34DS
AA: 0f c0urse
AA: n0 d0ubt i was predestined t0 d0 this anyway
AA: even in a d00med timeline we cant escape the icy grip 0f fatalism
AA: but its fun t0 pretend
GC: >:/
GC: TH4T M4K3S M3 F33L 4 LOT L3SS CL3V3R 4LL OF 4 SUDD3N
AA: its 0k
AA: time makes f00ls 0f us all
AA: but at least y0u didnt expl0de
GC: H4H4 Y34H, 1 GU3SS
AA: s0 i sh0uld pr0bably investigate this s0me m0re
AA: we can talk ab0ut it later
AA: 0r right n0w i guess since i can time travel
GC: 1 TH1NK 1LL T4K3 4 BR34K FROM T4LK1NG 4BOUT DOOM3D T1M3L1N3S 4ND 3XPLOD1NG ROBOTS FOR NOW
AA: fair en0ugh
GC: UNL3SS YOU W4NT TO T4LK 4BOUT SOM3TH1NG 3LS3
AA: n0t really
AA: d0 y0u
GC: W3LL...
AA: is it ab0ut vriska
GC: UGH Y3S >:[
GC: 1 DONT TRUST H3R
GC: HOW C4N SOM3BODY CH4NG3 L1K3 TH4T OV3RN1GHT?
AA: shes always been easily influenced
AA: y0u kn0w that m0re than any0ne
GC: W3LL, Y34H
AA: i d0nt think she ever wanted t0 d0 any 0f the bad things she did
AA: she was just manipulated int0 d0ing them by a number 0f malefact0rs
GC: L1K3 WH1T3 T3XT GUY?
AA: am0ng 0thers
AA: but i think he was resp0nsible f0r the m0st pertinent wr0ngd0ings
AA: she w0uldnt have ch0sen t0 d0 what she did t0 y0u 0r me 0r tavr0s with0ut his influence
GC: M4YB3 NOT
GC: BUT TH4T DO3SNT JUST 4BSOLV3 H3R OF 4LL BL4M3!
AA: thats redundant
GC: WH4T
AA: abs0lve means t0 rem0ve all blame
AA: y0u d0nt have t0 say 0f blame afterwards
GC: BL4R WHO C4R3S 4BOUT TH4T!!!
AA: s0 what d0 y0u want
AA: revenge
GC: K1ND OF
GC: SOM3TH1NG MOR3 TH4N "H3Y YOUR3 4 GOOD P3RSON NOW, YOUR3 FR33 TO GO," 1N 4NY C4S3
AA: it pr0bably w0uldnt help
GC: TH4TS 34SY FOR YOU TO S4Y
GC: S1NC3 YOU 4LR34DY GOT YOURS
AA: n0t really
AA: i killed her because i had t0
AA: it was in the script
GC: YOUR3 T3LL1NG M3 YOU D1DNT G3T TH3 L34ST B1T OF S4T1SF4CT1ON OUT OF B34T1NG VR1SK4 N34RLY TO D34TH?
AA: n0
AA: i felt n0thing
AA: well
AA: there was a temp0rary rush in my blue bl00ded veins simply fr0m partaking in vi0lence
AA: but after that there was n0thing
GC: >:/
GC: HOW C4N YOU NOT B3 M4D 4T H3R?
AA: she was just playing her part
AA: like i was playing mine
AA: my death was necessary f0r the alpha timeline t0 pr0ceed
AA: as was hers
GC: 4ND YOUR3 JUST F1N3 W1TH TH4T
AA: im 0k with it
GC: W3LL YOU SHOULDNT B3!!!
GC: W1TH YOUR T1M3 POW3RS YOU C4N S33 TH3 TR1LL1ONS OF W4YS TH1NGS COULD UNFOLD
GC: BUT 1N TH3 3ND TH3R3S ONLY ON3 W4Y YOU C4N DO TH1NGS
GC: NO M4TT3R HOW SH1TTY 4ND 4WFUL 1T 1S
GC: 4ND TH4T SHOULD M4K3 YOU 4NGRY 4S H3LL!
AA: i came t0 peace with it a l0ng time ag0
AA: y0u kind 0f have t0 as a time player
GC: D1D YOU KNOW YOUD B3 TH3 T1M3 PL4Y3R?
AA: yes
AA: the v0ices t0ld me i w0uld die c0untless deaths
AA: but 0nly ever c0me back t0 life 0nce
GC: TH3Y S41D YOUD COM3 B4CK?
AA: yes
AA: but its debatable what they meant
AA: they c0uld have meant my pr0t0typing myself
AA: ribbit
AA: 0r inhabiting this r0b0t
AA: they c0uld mean s0mething else i guess
AA: but i d0nt see any 0ther revival menti0ned in the rttu
GC: HMM
GC: 1 DONT KNOW HOW 3LS3 YOU COULD COM3 B4CK
GC: BUT 1TD B3 COMPL3T3 BULLSH1T 1F VR1SK4 G3TS TO 4ND YOU DONT
AA: im 0k with it
GC: BL4R STOP S4Y1NG TH4T!!!
AA: 0_0
GC: 1TS NOT R1GHT TH4T SH3 G3TS TO L1V3 4ND YOU H4V3 TO ST4Y D34D!
GC: 3SP3C14LLY WH3N SH3S TH3 ON3 WHO K1LL3D YOU!
AA: s0 what
AA: w0uld it be better if she was dead t00
GC: K1ND OF >:/
AA: l00k
AA: terezi
AA: revenge is a l0sers game
AA: the l0ser gets hurt
AA: and the winner gets n0thing
GC: ...
AA: if y0u really want t0 get back at her
AA: maybe y0u sh0uld play an0ther game entirely
GC: >:?
GC: L1K3 WH4T?
AA: i d0nt kn0w
AA: im n0t even sure what that means
AA: it just seemed like a g00d thing t0 say
GC: HRM
GC: W3LL
GC: WH4T3V3R
AA: d0 y0u n0t want t0 talk ab0ut this anym0re
GC: NOT R34LLY
AA: 0k
AA: well
AA: thanks f0r talking t0 me terezi
AA: it was actually really helpful
GC: H3Y, NO PROBL3M >:]
GC: NO OFF3NS3, BUT 1T S33MS L1K3 NOBODY 3LS3 3V3R T4LKS TO YOU
AA: n0 y0ure right
AA: i think m0st pe0ple find me mildly 0ffputting 0_0
GC: W3LL, YOU K1ND OF 4R3
GC: BUT H3Y, 1 4M TOO!
GC: W3 C4N B3 M1LDLY OFFPUTT1NG TOG3TH3R
GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3 >:D
AA: ha yeah
AA: s0
AA: can we talk m0re later
GC: OF COURS3!
GC: 1 4LW4YS LOOK FORW4RD TO T4ST1NG MOR3 OF YOUR D3L1C1OUSLY R1CH M4ROON T3XT
AA: i th0ught y0u liked bright red better
GC: OH 1 DO, BUT M4ROON 1S GOOD TOO
GC: 1TS SO D33P 4ND D3C4DENT, L1K3 D4RK CHOCOL4T3, OR MOL4SS3S
GC: >:]
AA: ha
AA: i wish i had a smiling em0tic0n i c0uld type
AA: 0u0
AA: n0 that l00ks stupid
GC: H3H3H3 Y34H 1T K1ND OF DO3S
AA: 0h well
AA: well
AA: ill talk t0 y0u later i guess
AA: th0ugh i guess itll be different laters f0r b0th 0f us
GC: H4H4 WH4T3V3R >:P
GC: GOOD LUCK W1TH YOUR 1NV3ST1G4T1ON
AA: thanks
AA: 0k bye
GC: BY3 4R4D14

apocalypseArisen [AA] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC].

***

arachnidsGrip [AG] began trolling adiosToreador [AT].

AG: Tavros, we've got kind of a pro8lem here.
AT: oH, uH, vRISKA,
AT: wHAT'S THE PROBLEM, eXACTLY,
AT: dID YOU ALCHEMIZE SOMETHING HIGHLY EXPLOSIVE AGAIN,
AT: bECAUSE IF IT'S THAT, yOU SHOULD PROBABLY TALK TO kANAYA,
AG: Noooooooo, it's not anything stupid like that!!!!!!!!
AG: It's........ kind of em8arrassing, actually.
AG: And I pro8a8ly should have 8rought it up during the feelings jam, 8ut I was afraid to talk a8out it face to face.
AT: wOW, tHIS SOUNDS KIND OF SERIOUS,
AT: wHAT IS IT,
AG: Well........
AG: You remem8er how a few days ago, during the sneaky romance am8ush, I was talking a8out how I was trying to m8ke you stronger so you'd 8e good enough to 8e my m8sprit?
AT: uH, yEAH, bUT,
AT: uH,
AT: wAIT, yOU DON'T MEAN,
AG: Weeeeeeeeell........
AT: oH,
AT: oH WOW,
AG: W8, just hear me out for a second, okay????????
AG: I mean, as it turns out, 8ecoming your moirail has 8een INCREDI8LY effective at m8king you a stronger, cooler, MUCH more attractive guy.
AG: And that silly little flushcrush I used to have on you is starting to act up again in a really 8ig way.
AG: 8ut the thing is, I'm happy with Kanaya!
AG: I mean, I'm reeeeeeeeally happy with Kanaya!
AG: And I'm really afraid all these feelings I'm having are going to cause pro8lems 8etween us somewhere down the line.
AT: yES, i CAN SEE WHY THIS WOULD CAUSE PROBLEMS,
AT: aND, tO TELL THE TRUTH,
AT: sINCE WE BECAME MOIRAILS, yOU'VE BECOME MUCH NICER, aND COOLER,
AT: aND i COULD SEE MYSELF, uH, rECIPROCATING,
AT: i MEAN, aSSUMING, fOR SOME TERRIBLE REASON, wE STOPPED BEING MOIRAILS,
AG: See, that's the other thing!
AG: I really love 8eing your moirail, too!
AG: And while I'd pro8a8ly like 8eing your m8sprit, I don't really want to give up on our moirallegiance!
AG: So 8etween that and Kanaya, it's really stressing me out.
AG: Uuuuuuuugh, this is so em8arrassing to talk a8out!!!!!!!!
AG: I'm 8lushing so hard right now, I'm afraid one of these 8ite marks on my neck is gonna 8urst open and start spraying cerulean all over the place.
AT: hAHA, vRISKA, iT'S OKAY, i UNDERSTAND,
AT: i APPRECIATE YOUR BEING FORTHCOMING ABOUT THIS,
AT: aND i REALLY LIKE BEING YOUR MOIRAIL, tOO,
AT: aND i DON'T WANT kANAYA TO GET HURT EITHER,
AT: sO i THINK IT'S A REAL PROBLEM,
AG: See! Look at that!
AG: Look at that whole 8rown 8lock of text right there!
AG: That's you 8eing an AWESOME fucking moirail!!!!!!!!
AG: I must have 8lown all my luck to get a palem8 like you, and that's why I was unlucky enough to 8uild up this stupid flushcrush!
AT: wOW, vRISKA, yOU'RE REALLY FLATTERING ME HERE,
AT: i MEAN, yOU'RE A REALLY GOOD MOIRAIL, tOO,
AT: eVEN THOUGH WE'VE ONLY BEEN MOIRAILS FOR, lIKE, a DAY OR TWO,
AT: yOU'VE ALREADY HELPED ME A LOT,
AT: sO DON'T THINK YOU DON'T DESERVE ME, oR SOMETHING LIKE THAT,
AG: Man, Tavros! You're so smooooooooth!
AG: You're giving a lady the pale vapors here!!!!!!!!
AT: oKAY, sERIOUSLY, stOP,
AT: i AM NOW ALSO BLUSHING, bECAUSE OF HOW SILLY YOU'RE BEING,
AT: sO WE ARE BOTH GREAT, aND THAT IS THAT, eND OF DISCUSSION,
AG: Okay okay, fine.
AG: We are 8oth pretty gr8.
AG: I'm sorry, I'm 8eing ridiculous a8out this whole thing.
AT: vRISKA, yOU'RE NOT BEING RIDICULOUS,
AT: iT'S A LEGITIMATE CONCERN,
AT: aND FRANKLY, i'M NOT REALLY SURE WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT,
AG: Weeeeeeeell........
AG: I can think of ONE thing we could do a8out it........
AT: wHAT'S THAT,
AG: We could find you a m8sprit!!!!!!!!
AT: oH, uH,
AT: i GUESS, wE COULD DO THAT,
AG: Well, think a8out it!
AG: If you had a m8sprit, there'd 8e a lot less tempt8ion for 8oth of us!
AG: And I wouldn't feel so 8ad a8out 8la88ing to you a8out Kanaya this and Kanaya that all the time.
AT: wELL, yEAH, bUT,
AT: wHO WOULD WANT ME, aS THEIR MATESPRIT,
AG: Tavros, you are a cool, strong, handsome, confident guy, and any8ody would 8e lucky to have you as their m8sprit!!!!!!!!
AG: You could have practically any8ody you wanted!
AG: Hell, you could even have me! 8ut o8viously we're trying our 8est to avoid that for now.
AG: So really, the question is, who do YOU want as your m8sprit????????
AT: wOW, i DON'T KNOW,
AT: i HAVEN'T REALLY ABOUT THIS ALL THAT MUCH,
AT: aND BY THAT, i MEAN, aT ALL,
AG: Okay, well, how a8out I throw out some suggestions, and you just tell me what you think of them?
AT: wAIT, aRE YOU,
AT: sHIPPING ME,
AG: I sure am!!!!!!!! ::::D
AG: Who says Nepeta's the only one who gets to ship people?
AT: wELL, oKAY, gO AHEAD,
AG: Alright, what a8out Feferi?
AG: I just recently started talking with her, and it turns out she's actually pretty cool!
AT: oH, wOW, fEFERI,
AT: sHE SEEMS REALLY NICE, i GUESS, bUT,
AT: i DON'T REALLY KNOW HER ALL THAT WELL,
AT: aND ISN'T SHE WITH sOLLUX, oR SOMETHING,
AG: Man, who cares a8out Sollux!!!!!!!! He's just a 8ig dork.
AG: And he's not even a cool dork, like you, he's just a 8ig douchey whiny idi8 dork.
AG: Man!!!!!!!! I don't know what it is a8out that guy, 8ut even thinking a8out him gets me steamed.
AT: uH, i SHOULD PROBABLY ASK,
AT: wHAT'S GOING ON BETWEEN YOU TWO,
AG: What's going on is that he's a stu88orn asshole and isn't even willing to give me a chance!!!!!!!!
AT: yOU KNOW, yOU NEVER DID APOLOGIZE TO HIM,
AT: i MEAN, tECHNICALLY, yOU HURT HIM TOO,
AG: Man, whatever!!!!!!!! I didn't do a thing to him!!!!!!!!
AT: vRISKA,
AG: Okay, okay, fine, so I did.
AG: 8ut may8e I just don't want to apologize to him 8ecause he's stupid smug piece of shit!!!!!!!!
AT: vRISKA, i REALIZE THIS IS WHOLE ENTANGLEMENT IS,
AT: sOMETHING i, dON'T REALLY HAVE MUCH EXPERIENCE WITH,
AT: bUT YOU SHOULD PROBABLY, aPOLOGIZE TO HIM ANYWAY,
AG: Yeah, yeah, I know I should.
AG: And I pro8a8ly will at some point.
AG: If he's even fucking willing to hear me out.
AG: Which he pro8a8ly won't 8e, 8ecause he's such a sanctimonious self-a8sor8ed fuckhead!!!!!!!!
AT: yES, yOU'VE MADE YOUR OPINION QUITE CLEAR,
AG: Hey, we totally got off-topic here!
AG: We were suppoooooooosed to 8e talking a8out you and Feferi!
AT: wELL, i THINK, gIVEN MY RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU,
AT: aND THE WHOLE sOLLUX THING,
AT: iT PROBABLY WOULDN'T WORK OUT,
AG: Ugh, yeah, you're pro8a8ly right.
AG: I guess that rules out Terezi too, huh?
AT: mOST LIKELY, yEAH,
AG: Man, Tavros, don't let me sink aaaaaaaall your ships!!!!!!!!
AT: iT'S FINE, rEALLY,
AT: jUST TRY TO THINK OF SOMEONE,
AT: yOU HAVEN'T COMPLETELY ALIENATED,
AG: Tavros, that really isn't as easy as it sounds!!!!!!!!
AG: 8ut fine, I'll try to think of some8ody else.
AG: Hey, what a8out Nepeta!
AG: Man, you two would 8e soooooooo adora8le together!!!!!!!!
AG: Oh dear, I can't decide if this mental image percolating here is cute as shit or hot as fuck........
AT: uHHH,
AG: Okay, that was lascivious to a completely unaccepta8le extent.
AT: kIND OF, yEAH,
AT: bUT ANYWAY, nEPETA IS COOL, i GUESS,
AT: bUT i MEAN, wE'VE BEEN ACQUAINTANCES FOR A WHILE,
AT: aND i THINK, iF SHE WERE INTERESTED IN ME LIKE THAT, sHE'D HAVE SAID SOMETHING BY NOW,
AT: i MEAN, sHE'S BEEN FRIENDLY WITH ME, bUT,
AT: wELL, sHE'S FRIENDLY WITH EVERYONE,
AT: aND ALSO, hER MOIRAIL REALLY DOESN'T LIKE ME FOR SOME REASON,
AT: i'M NOT REALLY SURE WHY,
AG: What, Equius? That's just him 8eing a huge tool, as usual.
AG: Pro8a8ly doesn't like you 8ecause you're a "mud8100d" or something ridiculous like that.
AT: nO, i THOUGHT IT MIGHT BE THAT, bUT,
AT: iT'S LIKE, hE GETS REALLY DISGUSTED, wHENEVER i MENTION nEPETA, sPECIFICALLY,
AT: i DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS,
AG: Equius Zahhak is truly a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, wrapped in an eight-inch thick layer of oh my god who gives a shit a8out this guy.
AG: So is that a no on Nepeta?
AT: i GUESS, fOR NOW,
AG: God, Tavros, you're killing me here!!!!!!!!
AG: Shipping is a lot harder work than Nepeta m8kes it out to 8e.
AT: sORRY,
AG: No no no, it's fine. May8e I'm just approaching it the wrong way.
AG: Let's try this from the other way. Mo8ius dou8le reacharound style.
AG: Has any8ody ever expressed interest in 8eing YOUR m8sprit????????
AG: 8esides me, o8viously.
AT: uH, nO,
AT: nOT THAT i CAN THINK OF,
AT: wELL, eXCEPT,
AT: uH,
AG: Who????????
AT: wELL, uH,
AT: bEFORE i BROUGHT HIM INTO THE GAME,
AT: gAMZEE, uH,
AT: pROPOSITIONED ME,
AG: Oh.
AG: Gamzee.
AT: yEAH,
AG: Well hey! What do you think of him?
AT: i DON'T KNOW,
AT: i MEAN, wE'VE BEEN GOOD BROS FOR A WHILE,
AT: aND WE HAVE A FEW THINGS IN COMMON,
AT: lIKE, fOR EXAMPLE, wE BOTH LIKE SLAM POETRY,
AT: aND HE'S ALWAYS BEEN REALLY NICE TO ME,
AT: bUT i NEVER REALLY THOUGHT OF HIM LIKE THAT,
AG: Well, now's your chance!
AG: What do you think of him like that?
AT: wOW, tHIS IS KIND OF EMBARASSING, tO TALK ABOUT,
AT: i MEAN, iF i WAS ACTUALLY CONSIDERING gAMZEE,
AT: aS A, uH, pOTENTIAL MATEPSRIT,
AT: wOULD YOU THINK IT WAS RIDICULOUS,
AG: Of coooooooourse I wouldn't think it was ridiculous, Tavros!
AG: If you think you'd 8e happy with him, that's all that matters!
AG: I wouldn't think you were ridiculous even if you thought you'd 8e happy with someone like Equius.
AG: Or Sollux.
AG: Or Eridan.
AG: Or Karkat.
AG: Man, I just named four assholes off the top of my head, and they were all 8oys!!!!!!!!
AG: I'm starting to think girls might 8e the fairer sex after all.
AG: Suddenly reeeeeeeeally glad I had an in with Kanaya.
AG: 8ut seriously, Tavros, I won't judge you one way or the other.
AT: oK, wELL,
AT: i'M ACTUALLY, uH, tHINKING ABOUT IT, rIGHT NOW,
AT: aND i GUESS, i THINK,
AT: i WOULD BE OKAY WITH, bEING HIS MATESPRIT,
AG: You'd 8e "okay" with it?
AT: wELL, i DON'T KNOW, i MEAN,
AG: Tavros, cut the crap here, okay?
AG: Do you like Gamzee or not?
AT: wELL, yEAH,
AG: Okay, do you like him enough to 8e his m8sprit?
AT: yEAH, i GUESS,
AG: Tavros, stop guessing and give me a str8 answer!!!!!!!!
AT: oKAY, oKAY, yES,
AT: i LIKE HIM ENOUGH FOR THAT,
AG: So do you WANT to 8e his m8sprit????????
AT: uH, wELL,
AG: Stop thinking a8out it and just answer it!!!!!!!!
AG: Yes or no!!!!!!!!
AT: yES,
AT: oH, wOW, oKAY,
AG: Really?
AT: yES, i'M COMPLETELY CERTAIN OF THAT SUDDENLY,
AG: No 8acksies?
AT: nO BACKSIES,
AG: Well, that's gr8!!!!!!!!
AG: You should totally go for it!!!!!!!!
AT: uH, wHAT DO YOU MEAN,
AG: I mean ask him to be your m8sprit!
AG: He pro8a8ly still feels the same way a8out you, right?
AT: wELL, tHAT'S THE THING,
AT: wHEN HE ASKED ME, i, uH,
AT: i DIDN'T HANDLE IT VERY WELL,
AT: aND i'M AFRAID, i MIGHT HAVE HURT HIS FEELINGS,
AG: Well, what'd you say?
AT: uH, nOTHING,
AT: i JUST SORT OF, sAT THERE,
AT: nOT SAYING ANYTHING,
AG: Well, THAT'S a surprise.
AT: vRISKA,
AG: Yeah, okay, that was mean, sorry.
AT: wELL, i MEAN,
AT: i PROBABLY SHOULD'VE SAID SOMETHING,
AG: Ugh, who cares a8out what you should've done?
AG: Just do something now! Ask him out!
AG: I mean, he still seemed pretty friendly towards you on that last memo, so it's not like he h8es you or anything!
AT: yOU REALLY THINK SO,
AG: Tavros, I'm a8solutely certain of it.
AG: So just go talk to him a8out it!!!!!!!!
AT: vRISKA, i'M NOT SURE IF i CAN JUST,
AT: gO TALK TO HIM ABOUT IT, oUT OF NOWHERE,
AG: Oh, come oooooooon!!!!!!!!
AG: You o8viously like him, and he o8viously likes you, so just go talk to him!!!!!!!!
AT: yOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT, BUT,
AT: iT JUST,
AT: iT SEEMS SO SUDDEN,
AG: Tavros, stop 8eing such a wiggler and just do it!!!!!!!!
AT: oKAY, sERIOUSLY, vRISKA,
AT: i'M NOT READY FOR THIS,
AT: sO PLEASE JUST STOP,
AG: Okay, okay, fine.
AG: I won't force you to do anything you're not ready to do.
AG: 8ut you 8etter get ready to go talk to him!
AG: 8ecause the time's gonna come when you're gonna have to, and you 8etter 8elieve it'll 8e sooner rather than l8er!
AT: wELL, i GUESS i COULD,
AT: tHINK OF WHAT i'LL SAY,
AT: iN THE NEAR FUTURE, aPPARENTLY,
AT: iT'S JUST, iT'S KIND OF INTIMIDATING,
AT: sO, sORRY ABOUT BEING SO, uH,
AT: nERVOUS ABOUT THIS,
AG: Tavros, it's fine, I get it.
AG: Well, kind of. Second-hand, as it were.
AG: Not that it's something I've had a pro8lem with personally.
AG: Well, w8, may8e that's not entirely true........
AG: Oh, whatever, I'm getting off the point here!!!!!!!!
AG: The point is, I get why you wouldn't want to rush into something like this, so just t8ke as much time as you feel like you need.
AG: Then try to t8ke a little less than that.
AT: hAHA, oKAY,
AT: tHANKS, vRISKA,
AT: yOU REALLY ARE A GOOD MOIRAIL,
AG: Hey, I just learned from the 8est!
AT: pFFF, wHATEVER,
AT: nOW YOU'RE JUST FLATTERING ME,
AG: No, seriously! 8efore we got together, I didn't know the first thing a8out 8eing a moirail.
AG: Everything I knew, I picked up from Kanaya, and it's 8ecoming increasingly o8vious that she was never quite the palest of palem8es.
AG: Not that I'm mad or anything. I wouldn't trade our time together for anything in the world.
AG: Except may8e a chance to 8e m8sprits sooner.
AG: I mean, o8viously that'd 8e prefera8le to our moirallegiance-8ut-not-quite and all the frustr8ing 8ullshit it entailed.
AT: vRISKA, yOU'RE RAMBLING,
AG: Oh god, I am, aren't I?
AG: Just another 8ad ha8it I'm picking up from Kanaya.
AG: God damn you, Kanaya!!!!!!!!
AT: hAHAHA, yES,
AT: sHE'S SUNK HER TEETH INTO YOU QUITE EFFECTIVELY,
AG: Oh man, tell me a8out it.
AG: She's sunk her teeth into me more times than I can count.
AG: And I wouldn't have it any other way <33333333
AT: uH,
AG: W8, you meant that metaphorically, didn't you?
AT: yES,
AG: Well, yeah, I mean, she's done that, too.
AT: oKAY, i THINK,
AT: tHIS CONVERSATION NEEDS TO END NOW,
AG: Hahahahahahahaha, fair enough.
AG: All told, though, it was incredi8ly productive!
AG: I got this 8ig em8arrassing issue off my chest, and we agreed on a way to possi8ly allevi8 it!
AG: Just two of the palest of palem8es, doing their moiraily thing!
AT: yES, iT WAS VERY HELPFUL,
AT: fOR BOTH OF US, eVEN,
AG: Yes it was!!!!!!!!
AG: 8ut really, Tavros, I'm sorry for 8eing so ridiculous a8out this.
AT: vRISKA, iT'S FINE, rEALLY,
AT: iF ANYTHING, i'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD BE APOLOGIZING,
AT: fOR BEING SO HANDSOME AND ATTRACTIVE,
AG: Tavros, you don't have to apologize for........
AG: W8, was that sarcasm????????
AT: oH YES,
AT: sARCASM WAS MOST CERTAINLY THE THING THAT THAT WAS, }:D
AG: Wow, that's awesome!!!!!!!!! I didn't know you had it in you!!!!!!!!
AT: wELL, oF COURSE,
AT: sARCASM IS PRETTY MUCH,
AT: tHE HALLMARK OF COOL, cONFIDENT GUYS,
AG: Uhhhhhhhh........
AG: I don't know if that's completely true........
AG: 8ut whatever! It's good anyway!
AT: sO ANYWAY, i GUESS WE'RE DONE HERE,
AG: Yeah, pretty much!
AG: 8ut remem8er, Tavros, you have to think a8out what you're going to say to Gamzee!
AG: So think a8out it!!!!!!!!
AT: yES, oF COURSE,
AT: i'LL GET ON THAT RIGHT AWAY,
AT: hMMM, mAYBE i'LL EVEN WRITE A POEM, oR SOMETHING,
AG: What, like a sonnet?
AT: nO, acTUALLY, iT WOULD BE, uH,
AT: a SLAM POEM,
AG: ........
AT: iT'S KIND OF A THING, wITH US,
AG: ........Okaaaaaaaay, you just go ahead and do that.
AG: I'm gonna go hang out with Kanaya.
AT: gREAT, sOUNDS LIKE A PLAN,
AG: Okay, 8ye, Tavros!!!!!!!!
AG: <>
AT: rIGHT, bYE,
AT: <>

arachnidsGrip [AG] ceased trolling adiosToreador [AT].

***

centaursTesticle [CT] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA].

CT: D --> E%cuse me, jadeb100d
CT: D --> Wait, I mean
CT: D --> Kanaya
GA: Oh Uh Equius
GA: You Havent By Any Chance Been Uh
GA: Monitoring The Activities In My Hive In The Past Few Days Have You
CT: D --> No
CT: D --> If this is about the cer001ean b100d
CT: D --> I wasn't even aware of your union until just recently
CT: D --> And since then I have been careful to be respe%ful of your privacy
GA: Oh Okay
GA: Well Thank You Equius
CT: D --> Of course
GA: So Anyway
GA: What Did You Wish To Discuss
CT: D --> Oh, nothing in particular
CT: D --> I was simply 100king to indulge sort of meandering conversation that is occasionally enjoyed by acquaintances
CT: D --> In fact, I order you to engage me in such a di%ussion
CT: D --> I mean, if that's ok with you
GA: You Realize How Pointless It Is To Issue A Command And Then Ask Me Whether Or Not Its Okay For You To Issue It Right
CT: D --> Of course I do
CT: D --> But as your superior, it is my e%c100sive responsibility to give you orders
CT: D --> But I respe% you enough that I do not wish to give you an order you are uncomfortable with
GA: Okay Look
GA: Lets Just Say From Now On
GA: Whenever You Ask Me For Something Like A Normal Troll Well Both Assume Youre Issuing Me An Order With A Trivially Met Escape Clause
GA: And Likewise Whenever I Ask You For Something Well Both Assume Im Simply Making A Humble Request As Your Inferior That Is By No Means Binding In Any Way Whatsoever
GA: Does That Sound Acceptable To You
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> I suppose it would greatly simplify things
CT: D --> Very well, I'll do that from now on
CT: D --> And I order you to do the same
CT: D --> I mean, if that's ok with you
GA: If It Means Youll Never Say That Again Then A Thousand Times Yes
CT: D --> Very well
CT: D --> These assumptions will be implicit for the foreseeable future
CT: D --> So
CT: D --> Can we just talk now
GA: That Would Be Okay With Me
CT: D --> E%cellent
GA: Was There Any Topic You Wished To Start With
CT: D --> Well, I suppose I should start with a statement
CT: D --> That is
CT: D --> I'm e%tremely happy for you for finding a matesprit
GA: Well Thank You Equius
GA: Your Happiness For Me Is Greatly Appreciated
GA: But Nonetheless It Cannot Hope To Match The Happiness Im Feeling For Finally Being Able To Be In A Matespritship With Vriska
CT: D --> Well, of horse
GA: Uh
GA: Horse
CT: D --> I mean course
CT: D --> It was a pun, I'm sorry
GA: Equius Its Okay To Make Puns
CT: D --> Thank you
CT: D --> Having your e%press consent is certainly to my behoof
GA: Hahaha Okay
CT: D --> In any case
CT: D --> It sounds like you love her a great deal
GA: Oh Yes
GA: There Are Just So Many Things I Love About Her That Its Almost Impossible For Me To List Them All
CT: D --> Well, you're free to try
GA: Really
CT: D --> Yes, please
GA: Okay
GA: I Love The Sound Of Her Voice When She Speaks Without Pretense
GA: And I Love The Way She Smiles When She Does So Earnestly
GA: And I Love That I Can Make Her Laugh And Smile And Speak To Me So Sweetly Simply By Being Myself Without Even Having To Try
GA: And I Love That When Im With Her She Seems To Become A Different Person
GA: Not A Better Person But Perhaps A More Loveable Person
GA: And I Love That When Were Alone Together She Utterly Submits Herself To Me And I Utterly Devote Myself To Her And We Almost Seem To Become A Single Consciousness Sharing Two Bodies
GA: And Im Really Revealing Entirely Too Much Here Arent I
CT: D --> No, it's ok
CT: D --> I envy you, a%ually
CT: D --> I wish I could find someone who loved me as deeply as it 100ks like you love her
GA: Im Sorry Equius
GA: Are Things Going Poorly Between You And Aradia
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> They're going about as well as could be e%pected
CT: D --> No, a%ually, they're even worse than that
GA: Haha
CT: D --> What
GA: Im Sorry
GA: I Just Think Its Funny How The Simple Addition Of The Word Even Completely Changes The Meaning Of The Previous Sentence
CT: D --> Oh
CT: D --> Yes, I suppose so
CT: D --> Ha
GA: Well What In Particular Is Causing Problems Between You
CT: D --> I'm not tr001y certain
CT: D --> In truth, our relationship has always been strained
CT: D --> I've come to e%pect her to be distant and a100f with me
CT: D --> But recently she has been even more so than usual
GA: She Seemed To Be Expressing Concern Over Some Sort Of Metaphysical Spacetime Quandary In A Recent Memo
GA: Perhaps That Is The Root Of The Problem
CT: D --> Possibly
CT: D --> But I think it has simply e%acerbated an e%isting animosity
CT: D --> My moirail recently suggested she would rather be my kismesis than my matesprit
CT: D --> And I'm afraid she may be corre% in that conc100sion
GA: Im Very Sorry To Hear That Equius
GA: But You Know Nepeta Helped Me A Great Deal With My Own Matesprit
GA: Shes Surprisingly Adept At Dealing With Relationship Issues
GA: Have You Considered Asking Her For Assistance With Your Difficulties With Aradia
CT: D --> Er
CT: D --> No
CT: D --> She a%ually disapproves of our relationship
CT: D --> She says it's
CT: D --> Creepy
CT: D --> And also
CT: D --> Weird
GA: Oh
GA: Well
GA: It Kind Of Is
CT: D --> Uh
CT: D --> Is it
GA: Well Its Just
GA: The Whole Making Her A Robot Body Filled With Your Own Blood Thing Is A Little Unsettling
GA: Wait I Forget Is It Your Own Blood Or That Of Another Presumably Dead Blueblood
CT: D --> Er
CT: D --> Is one worse than the other
GA: I Think One Of Them Is Yes
GA: But Only A Little
CT: D --> So
CT: D --> The answer doesn't a%ually matter
CT: D --> Does it
GA: No Not Really
CT: D --> Hrm
GA: Forgive Me If This Is Rude Of Me To Ask But
GA: Do You Actually Love Her
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> I did
CT: D --> When she was alive, she was the pinnacle of grace and beauty
CT: D --> And though she was a mere rustb100d, I could not help but find myself smitten
CT: D --> But now, it seems like she has
CT: D --> Changed
CT: D --> I mean, the physical attra%ion still e%ists
CT: D --> But she has become cold and unemotional
CT: D --> And violent
CT: D --> A more fitting personality for a b100b100d, I suppose
CT: D --> And yet
CT: D --> It's just not the same
GA: Oh Wow
CT: D --> I'm sorry, this line of di%ussion is completely inappropriate
CT: D --> I should be telling this to my moirail
CT: D --> But
CT: D --> I can't, for some reason
GA: Its Okay I Understand
GA: It Sounds Strange But I Think A Moirail Can Be So Close That There Are Things Its Almost Impossible To Tell Them
GA: Please Dont Think Of This As Pale Infidelity Or Anything Like That
CT: D --> Yes, of course
CT: D --> There's nothing pale about this
CT: D --> You're simply acting as a
CT: D --> Confidant
GA: Sure Lets Go With That
CT: D --> Ok
GA: Though I Should Probably Confess To You
GA: A Few Days Ago I Had A Conversation With Nepeta Regarding My Feelings About Vriska And I May Have Um
GA: Confided In Her As Well
GA: And She Responded In A Way That In Retrospect Seems Very
GA: Uh
GA: Supportive
CT: D --> I know
CT: D --> She told me about it
GA: Oh
GA: So You Dont Have A Problem With That
CT: D --> It's simply her way of helping the team
CT: D --> She assured me she's not 100king for another moirail
CT: D --> And I believe her
GA: Well Thank Goodness
GA: Im Glad You Dont Think Im Trying To Steal Her Away From You Or Something Nonsensical Like That
CT: D --> Of horse not
CT: D --> The mare thought is 100dicrous
CT: D --> And it behooves us both to put it out to pasture
GA: Haha Okay
GA: Well
GA: If Youll Forgive My Perhaps Uncharacteristic Boldness In Asking Such A Personal Question
GA: Is There Anyone Else Youve Considered For Your Flushed Quadrant
CT: D --> Er
CT: D --> Kind of
GA: Kind Of
GA: ?
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> The only other troll I've seriously considered is
CT: D --> The indigo b100d
GA: Oh
GA: Gamzee
CT: D --> Yes
GA: Well
GA: What Do You Like About Him
CT: D --> Abso100tely nothing
CT: D --> In fact, I despise him in almost every way
CT: D --> The only reason I considered it is because he is my only e%isting superior on the hemospe%rum
GA: Equius
GA: I Mean No Offense To You Personally When I Say This
GA: But That Is Quite Possibly The Absolute Worst Reason For Wanting To Be Someones Matesprit Ive Ever Heard
CT: D --> Yes
CT: D --> Nepeta e%pressed a similar opinion
CT: D --> Naturally, it's another idea she considers cr33py
CT: D --> I mean creepy
GA: Well
GA: Are There Any Ideas She Doesnt Consider Creepy
CT: D --> She did make a few suggestions of her own
CT: D --> For e%ample, before your e%isting entanglement with the cer001ean b100d, she would have suggested you for my flushed quadrant
GA: Oh
GA: Uh
GA: Really
CT: D --> Does that strike you as 100dicrous
GA: Well
GA: I Hadnt Even Thought About It Before
GA: I Mean The Thought Literally Never Crossed My Mind
CT: D --> Well, Serket's intervention has neatly prec100ded it
CT: D --> So there's little point in reaching a conc100sion on it now
GA: Yes I Suppose So
GA: Well Did She Have Any Other Suggestions
CT: D --> Er
CT: D --> Yes
CT: D --> But it's a little
CT: D --> Pec001iar
GA: It Cant Be That Unusual
GA: Unless She Suggested Someone Like Tavros
CT: D --> Hrk
CT: D --> Could you
CT: D --> Please refrain from suggesting any sort of relation between me and the mudb100d in the future
GA: Um Okay
CT: D --> I mean
CT: D --> The mere idea is abso100tely 100dicrous
CT: D --> And it tr001y perple%es me how the thought keeps resurfacing
CT: D --> It just causes me to
CT: D --> Perspire
GA: Yes Of Course How Thoughtless Of Me
GA: It Was Never My Intention To Force You To Sully Your Rapidly Dwindling Supply Of Fresh Towels
GA: I Shall Do My Best To Avoid Implying Feelings Of Any Sort Between You And Mister Nitram In The Future
CT: D --> Thank you
CT: D --> I simply find him
CT: D --> Particularly offensive for some reason
GA: Nonetheless Weve Gotten Off Topic Here
GA: What Was This Strange Suggestion That Nepeta Offered For Your Matesprit
CT: D --> Well, it was
CT: D --> Uh
CT: D --> The heiress
GA: Oh
GA: Feferi
GA: Okay That Actually Is Kind Of Unusual
CT: D --> My sentiments e%actly
GA: Well I Mean Its Unusual
GA: But Its Not Completely Ridiculous
CT: D --> What
CT: D --> No, it is completely ridiculous
CT: D --> She is a seadweller
CT: D --> The feud between landdwellers and her kind is ancient and well-recorded
CT: D --> It would be abso100tely una%eptable for us to enter any sort of amicable relationship
CT: D --> But at the same time
CT: D --> She is the heiress apparent to the imperial throne
CT: D --> She stands to become r001er of the entirety of the Alternian Empire
CT: D --> Her royal tyrian b100d places her at the top of the hemospe%rum, the very ape% of society
CT: D --> That she would ever deign to a%ept the hand of a meager b100b100d in matespritship is unthinkable
CT: D --> The thought of being her matesprit strikes me as simultaneously completely disgusting and abso100tely terrifying
CT: D --> And the two feelings combine into something strangely
CT: D --> E%citing
GA: Ha
CT: D --> What
GA: Sorry Its Just Funny That You Used That Particular Word
GA: Anyway Equius I Think Youre Seriously Overthinking This
CT: D --> How so
GA: Well You Keep Making All These Judgments Based On What Society Would Think
GA: When Society Has Been Reduced To Exactly Twelve Trolls Of Which I Think Youre The Only One That Actually Cares About Things Like This
GA: Besides You The Only Troll I Can Think Of That Grants The Hemospectrum Or Ancient Feuds Any Credibility Whatsoever Is Eridan
GA: And Really I Think He Was Only Humoring Them To Serve His Own Ends
GA: Judging By The Most Recent Memo It Seems Even He Has Discarded Them Because They Now Conflict With His Own Bottom Line
CT: D --> So
CT: D --> You're saying it would be to my behoof to follow the seadweller's e%ample
GA: Essentially Yes
CT: D --> That is
CT: D --> Uniquely depressing
GA: Okay I Can Certainly Understand You Feeling That Way
GA: But You Should Probably Know That The Young Miss Peixes Cares Little For These Traditions And In Fact Actively Despises Them
CT: D --> What
GA: Oh Yes She Holds A Great Deal Of Contempt For The Hemospectrum And All The Social Stratification That Results Directly From It
GA: And Even Before The Game Began She Held Onto The Idealistic Notion Of Uniting The Two Races Of Trollkind In Peace And Harmony
CT: D --> I
CT: D --> Seriously
GA: Yes
CT: D --> So
CT: D --> In the abso100tely absurd scenario that I were to attempt to court her
CT: D --> She would not see me as a b100b100d
CT: D --> But as simply
CT: D --> A troll
GA: Most Likely Yes
CT: D --> Well that's
CT: D --> A%ually terrible
GA: What Exactly Is Terrible About That
CT: D --> I had thought my status as a b100b100d may confer me some sort of advantage
CT: D --> But with that fa%or e%cluded, I can see little else I could offer over the eight other eligible trolls
GA: Equius Youre Really Not Giving Yourself Enough Credit Here
GA: I Mean Youre Not A Bad Person
GA: Its Just
GA: Okay I Want To Pay You A Compliment Here
GA: But Its Going To Be More Than A Little Backhanded And It Also Has A Dirty Word In It
GA: Is That Okay
CT: D --> Yes, go ahead
GA: Okay
GA: The Thing Is
GA: Youre Actually A Pretty Likeable Guy When Youre Not Being A Pretentious Classist Asshole
CT: D --> Oh wow, ok
GA: Youve Been Thankfully Sparing With The Condescending Hemospectrum Talk In Your Conversations With Me
GA: And For The Most Part Ive Actually Genuinely Enjoyed Talking To You
GA: I Mean You Have Some Backwards Views And Some Unsavory Habits
GA: But Putting All That Aside I Honestly Find You To Be An Incredibly Kind And Considerate And Gentle Person
GA: And I Might Even Consider You My Friend If You Would Let Me
CT: D --> A friend
CT: D --> Really
GA: Yes Really
CT: D --> Kanaya, I
CT: D --> I don't know what to say
CT: D --> E%cept that
CT: D --> I'm honored that you would consider me your friend
GA: Equius Its Not That Big A Deal Really
CT: D --> I suddenly require a towel
CT: D --> To wipe away all these tears
GA: Um
GA: Okay I Cant Tell If That Was A Sincere Statement Or A Joke
CT: D --> The statement itself is 100% fa%ual
CT: D --> But nonetheless, I found the sentiment humorous
CT: D --> So really, it's both
CT: D --> You are free to laugh
GA: Hahaha Okay
GA: See Thats Another Thing Equius
GA: You Actually Have A Sense Of Humor Which Is Something I Think Most Of The Others Dont Even Realize About You
GA: If You Werent Always Putting On These Airs Of Superiority I Honestly Think Most Of Us Would Actually Like You
CT: D --> You tr001y believe so
GA: Equius Im Completely Certain Of It
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> Perhaps you're right
CT: D --> Nepeta has e%pressed similar views on my adherence to Alternian traditions
GA: You Should Probably Listen To Her
GA: She Undoubtedly Has Your Best Interests At Heart
GA: And From My Brief Experience With Her I Can Tell She Is Almost Certainly An Excellent Moirail
GA: Or At Least A Better Moirail Than I Ever Was
CT: D --> Yes
CT: D --> She is tr001y the best there is
CT: D --> But you shouldn't be so quick to di%redit yourself
CT: D --> Judging by this conversation alone
CT: D --> Which is, of course, 100% platonic and not pale in any way whatsoever
CT: D --> I can conc100de that you would be an e%cellent moirail
GA: Now Youre Simply Flattering Me
GA: The Only Moirallegiance Ive Been In Was A Complete Failure
GA: Even If I Did Manage To Salvage Something Wonderful From The Smoldering Wreckage Of It
CT: D --> That was a special case
CT: D --> There were e%tenuating circumstances, as it were
CT: D --> It's understandable that tension would e%ist
GA: Yes Of Course The Tension Was Understandable
GA: But A Good Moirail Wouldve Actually Addressed The Issue And Attempted To Do Something To Resolve It
GA: But Instead I Took The Cowards Way Out
GA: I Just Took The Relationship Vriska And I Had And Twisted It Into A Shallow Mockery Of What I Wanted It To Be
GA: She Trusted Me To Be Her Moirail And I Utterly Betrayed That Trust
GA: And I Joke About It To Her But Whenever I Think About The Way I Handled Our Relationship It Honestly Disgusts Me
GA: The Whole Basis Of A Functional Moirallegiance Is Honesty And Sometimes I Wonder If I Can Truly Be Honest With Anyone
CT: D --> Well
CT: D --> You're being honest with me right now
GA: Uh
GA: I Guess I Am
CT: D --> Er
CT: D --> I didn't mean to imply we were sharing any sort of pale feelings here
CT: D --> We are, of course, completely platonic friends
GA: Yes Thats Absolutely Right
GA: We Are Simply Confiding In Each Other As Confidants Are Wont To Do
CT: D --> Yes
GA: Yes
CT: D --> Uh
CT: D --> Is it just me
CT: D --> Or has this di%ussion suddenly become
CT: D --> Awkward
GA: Im Sorry Its My Fault
GA: I Just Started Rambling To You About My Own Personal Hangups And I Sort Of Got Out Of Hand
GA: And If You Want To End The Conversation Now I Understand Completely
CT: D --> Kanaya
CT: D --> Speaking as your friend
CT: D --> I STRONGLY believe you should 100k for a moirail
CT: D --> And I tr001y think anyone would be e%tremely lucky to be in a moirallegiance with you
GA: Thank You Equius
GA: I Dont Know If Thats True But Its Nice Of You To Say Regardless
CT: D --> It is abso100tely 100% true
CT: D --> In fact, I order you to believe it to be true
CT: D --> And I must specify that this order is e%empt from the usual trivially met e%ape clause we would normally assume would be inc100ded
GA: Haha Okay Fine
GA: I Suppose As Your Inferior I Have No Choice But To Follow Your Thoroughly Binding Command
CT: D --> E%cellent
GA: You Really Are A Good Person Equius
GA: And I Honestly Believe You Could Have Anyone You Wanted As Your Matesprit If You Just Relaxed A Little
GA: And If You Actually Are Thinking Of Pursuing Feferi Then I Wish You The Best Of Luck And Would Be Happy To Assist You In Any Way I Can
CT: D --> That means a great deal to me, Kanaya
CT: D --> Thank you
GA: Of Course
GA: What Are Friends For
CT: D --> I don't a%ually know
CT: D --> I've never had one that wasn't simultaneously an enemy
CT: D --> So this is a learning e%perience for me
GA: Haha
GA: Anyway Anytime You Wish To Talk To Me Id Be Happy To Indulge You
GA: But For Now Were Skirting Dangerously Close To Pale Infidelity So Its Probably Best That This Particular Conversation Ends
CT: D --> You know
CT: D --> For all the talk of pale infidelity
CT: D --> I'm not even sure if it's a thing that a%ually e%ists
GA: Really
CT: D --> Yes, really
CT: D --> But then, I suppose it's best not to take unnecessary ris%
GA: Yes Of Course
CT: D --> But I'm always open to a friendly di%ussion myself
CT: D --> So if you ever need someone to talk to, you are free to conta% me
GA: Thank You Equius
CT: D --> Of horse
CT: D --> What are friends foal
GA: Hahaha Right
CT: D --> I'm sorry, these hoofbeast puns are gelding rather filly
CT: D --> I should've colt myself befoal they got out of hoof
CT: D --> But I suppose I've beaten this dead horse thoroughbredly enough
CT: D --> I'll spare you and not trot out anymare
GA: Okay Please Stop
GA: I Am Now Actually Literally Laughing Out Loud And Vriska Got Here A Few Minutes Ago And Shes Looking At Me Like Im Insane
GA: Which I Must Be To Be Reduced To Tears By Something As Ridiculous As A Barrage Of Unsolicited Horse Puns
GA: Now Im The One Who Requires A Towel
CT: D --> Haha
CT: D --> Anyway, I didn't realize your matesprit was there
CT: D --> I won't keep you any further
GA: Its No Problem At All Really
GA: But I Hope To Talk To You Again Soon
CT: D --> Count on it
GA: You Mean Canter On It
CT: D --> Ha, yes
CT: D --> That is abso100tely what I mean
GA: Sorry Im Done
GA: Ill Let You Go Now
CT: D --> Ok
CT: D --> Goodbye, Kanaya
GA: Goodbye Equius

centaursTesticle [CT] ceased trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA].

Chapter Text

Chapter 8

A Chance to Glow

caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]

CA: nep no time to talk just go this memo its a fuckin emergency
CA: http://tinyurl.com/ohgodimgonnafuckindie
AC: :33 < what??
AC: :33 < uh, okay

CURRENT caligulasAquarium [CCA] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board oh my fuckin god wwhat the fuck is goin on here im about to die

CCA: fuck fuck fuck
CCA: ok wwevve got a serious fuckin emergency on lotam
CCA: an im kinda trapped here an i dont knoww wwhat the fuck to do so somebody please fuckin help me
FUTURE carcinoGeneticist [FCG] 3 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCG: WHAT
FCG: ERIDAN, WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON.
CCA: its gam
CCA: hes gone fuckin crazy
CCA: i dont knoww wwhat the fuck happened but he just fuckin snapped
CCA: an noww hes dartin around the hivve like a fuckin lunatic wwith some sorta super speed powwers or some shit
CURRENT centaursTesticle [CCT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCT: D --> So the day has finally come
CCT: D --> The subjugglator within him has awakened
CCT: D --> We are all doomed
FCG: OH MY GOD
FCG: ERIDAN, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO????
CCA: i dont knoww i just wwoke up an he wwas like this
CURRENT adiosToreador [CAT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAT: wAIT, yOU SAID,
CAT: yOU TOOK HIM OFF THE SOPOR, rIGHT,
CCA: yeah its all fuckin gone
CCA: not evven any in the fuckin recuperacoon
CAT: yOU MEAN,
CAT: hE WASN'T EVEN SLEEPING IN IT,
CCA: no he wwent to sleep on a fuckin legume sack
CCA: meanwwhile i wwas gettin nice an cozy in the faygo pile wwhen i wwoke up to this fuckin psychotic clowwn
CAT: oH GOD,
CAT: oKAY, tHIS IS WHAT HAPPENS, wHEN HE FORGETS TO TAKE THE SLIME,
CAT: bUT IF HE DIDN'T SLEEP IN IT, iT'S PROBABLY EVEN WORSE THAN USUAL,
CCA: yeah wwell its pretty fuckin bad right noww
CCA: he hasnt tried attackin me yet or anythin but hes playin fuckin mind games wwith me
CCA: an hes rantin about killin all lowwbloods an seadwwellers an its gettin kinda fuckin disturbin
CAT: oKAY, wELL,
CAT: dON'T MAKE ANY SUDDEN MOVEMENTS,
CAT: aND DEFINITELY DON'T ATTACK HIM, bECAUSE,
CAT: hE'LL PROBABLY KILL YOU,
CAT: oR YOU'LL KILL HIM, mAYBE
CAT: aND NEITHER OF THOSE THINGS IS VERY GOOD,
CCA: believve me i dont wwanna havve to kill him
CCA: but im startin to wwonder wwhat the fuck else i can do at this point
CAT: wELL, dO YOU HAVE ANY SLIME AVAILABLE,
CCA: course ivve got fuckin slime
CCA: its all in my fuckin sylladex
FCG: OH MY GOD ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME
FCG: GIVE HIM SOME FUCKING SLIME, YOU NOOK-SNIFFING IGNORAMUS!!!
CCA: no fuck that
CCA: im his moirail not his fuckin dealer
CCA: i wwanna help him not be the guy wwho keeps him drugged up wwith fuckin sopor
FCG: FOR FUCK'S SAKE
FCG: HE'S TRYING TO KILL YOU, YOU DUMB FUCK, IS NOW REALLY THE TIME TO STICK TO YOUR FUCKING GUNS?????
CCA: look somebody please just fuckin tell me theres a wway to calm him dowwn wwithout givvin him anymore fuckin slime
CCT: D --> A subjugglator's b100dthirst is not sated so easily
CCT: D --> Only b100dshed can satisfy it
CCT: D --> If a sacrifice is required, I will gladly be the first vi%im
CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAC: :33 < equius, no!!!
CAC: :33 < im not letting you get yourself killed to satisfy your insane hemeowspectrum submission fantasies!!!
CCT: D --> Nepeta, stay out of this
CCT: D --> It is not something I e%pect a greenb100d to understand
CAC: :33 < i understand it enough!
CAC: :33 < youre offuring to let gamz33 kill you, and im putting my foot down!
CAC: :33 < as your meowrail, i furbid you furom going to lotam!!
CCT: D --> This transcends the bounds of moirallegiance
CCT: D --> It is the highb100d's destiny
CCT: D --> As it is mine
CAC: XOO < grrrr NO IT ISNT!!!
CAC: XOO < EQUIUS, STAY THE FUCK OFF OF LOTAM!!!!!!
CCT: D --> Your
CCT: D --> Impudence
CCT: D --> Is noted
CCT: D --> But I must go
CCT: D --> I'm sorry, Nepeta
CCT ceased responding to memo.
CAC: XOO < ARRRGRGHRGHRGHRGHRGHRGJGARSKHLFSADJBLKJ
CAC: :33 < well, i guess im going to lotam too to stop that idiot furom killing himself!
CAC: :33 < be right there
CAC ceased responding to memo.
CCA: god damnit no
CCA: this isnt wwhat i fuckin wwant at all
CCA: somebody please howw the fuck do i stop this wwithout anybody dyin
CAT: wELL, tHERE MIGHT BE A WAY,
CCA: wwhat is it
CAT: wELL, uH,
CAT: dO YOU KNOW ANYTHING, aBOUT, uH
CAT: sLAM POETRY,
CCA: wwhat
CCA: no i dont fuckin knoww anythin about fuckin slam poetry are you fuckin kiddin me
CAT: wELL, wHEN HE GOT LIKE THIS BEFORE,
CAT: rAPPING ALWAYS SEEMED TO, uH
CAT: cALM HIM DOWN,
CCA: oh god are you fuckin serious
CCA: so wwhat ivve gotta challenge him to a fuckin poetry slam
CAT: nO, i WOULDN'T SUGGEST THAT,
CAT: bECAUSE YOU'LL PROBABLY LOSE,
CAT: aND IF YOU LOSE, hE'LL, uH,
CAT: kILL YOU,
CCA: oh my god
CAT: oKAY, lOOK,
CAT: i'LL COME OVER TO lotam,
CAT: mAYBE i'LL BE ABLE TO PACIFY HIM,
CURRENT terminallyCapricious [CTC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTC: no no no no no.
CTC: MOTHER FUCK NO.
CTC: tavbro stay the fuck away.
CTC: STAY THE MOTHERFUCK AWAY TAVBRO.
CTC: i don't want to motherfuckin hurt you.
CTC: BUT IF YOU MOTHERFUCKING COME HERE I'M MOTHERFUCKING GOING TO MOTHERFUCKING KILL YOU TAVBRO.
CAT: gAMZEE, pLEASE STOP THIS,
CTC: i can't motherfuckin stop it, brother.
CTC: THE MOTHERFUCKING SLIME IS MOTHERFUCKING GONE AND MY MOTHERFUCKING EYES ARE MOTHERFUCKING OPEN.
CTC: and now i know what my true motherfuckin destiny is.
CTC: IT'S TO MOTHERFUCKING KILL EVERY LAST MOTHERFUCKING ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS.
CAT: gAMZEE, i'M COMING TO lotam,
CAT: aND i'M GOING TO DO SOMETHING i SHOULD HAVE DONE A LONG TIME AGO,
CTC: no.
CTC: YOU CAN'T MOTHERFUCKING SEE ME LIKE THIS, TAVBRO.
CTC: just motherfuckin stay away.
CAT: i HAVE TO DO THIS, gAMZEE,
CAT: i'M SORRY,
CTC: HOOOOOOONK.
CTC ceased responding to memo.
FCG: OH MY GOD.
FCG: PLEASE, TAVROS, DON'T HURT HIM.
CAT: kARKAT,
CAT: i CAN'T HURT HIM ANY MORE THAN i ALREADY HAVE,
FCG: WHAT?
FCG: LOOK, MAYBE I SHOULD COME OVER THERE.
FCG: SOMEBODY HAS TO PAP THIS CLOWN INTO SUBMISSION.
FCG: AND IF ERIDAN CAN'T GET HIS SHIT TOGETHER AND DO IT, THEN I'M GOING TO HAVE TO STEP IN.
CCA: god damnit kar you think i didnt fuckin think a that
CCA: he keeps doin this fuckin flash step thing an i cant get a fuckin bead on him
CCA: i cant evven shoosh him let alone fuckin pap him
CCA: evvery time i try to get close to him he throwws a fuckin faygo bottle in my face or makes me trip ovver a legume sack or some shit
CCA: seriously my pranksters gambit is gettin dangerously fuckin loww ovver here
FCG: OH MY GOD, YOU ARE SUCH AN INCOMPETENT BUFFOON.
FCG: MY CONTEMPT FOR YOU AT THIS MOMENT IS LITERALLY PALPABLE, AND I'M CURRENTLY MOLDING IT INTO THE SHAPE OF A GIANT MIDDLE FINGER POINTED RIGHT AT YOUR MORONIC FACE.
FCG: I'M COMING OVER THERE.
CAT: kARKAT, pLEASE, i CAN HANDLE THIS,
CAT: aND IT'S SOMETHING i HAVE TO DO MYSELF,
FCG: GOD DAMNIT, WHY DO YOU KEEP TALKING LIKE YOU'RE ABOUT TO CULL HIM?
FCG: BECAUSE IF YOU'RE DOING THAT, I'M GOING THERE JUST TO STOP YOU.
CAT: nO, lOOK, tHERE'S NO CULLING INVOLVED,
CAT: bUT, i MEAN,
CAT: mY PLAN IS A LITTLE WEIRD,
CAT: aND i DON'T REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW,
CAT: bUT i KNOW IT'LL WORK
CAT: jUST TRUST ME,
FCG: ...
FCG: OKAY, FINE.
FCG: BUT IF YOU KILL HIM, I'M COMING AFTER YOU NEXT.
CAT: iT WON'T COME TO THAT, bELIEVE ME,
CAT: aNYWAY, i SHOULD GO,
CAT ceased responding to memo.
FCG: GOD.
FCG: ERIDAN, YOU ARE SUCH A METEORIC FUCKUP, IT'S ALMOST INSPIRING.
FCG: INSPIRING ME TO PUNCH YOU IN THE FACE.
CCA: you think i dont fuckin knoww that kar
CCA: i wwasnt tryin to drivve gam into a genocidal fuckin rage yknoww
CCA: i wwas tryin to help him
CCA: i figured if he got off the sopor hed be more activve an alert an basically wwouldnt let the wwhole fuckin wworld pass him by
CCA: wwhich i guess wwas a resoundin fuckin success for a givven definition of success
CCA: that bein one wwhich doesnt count him turnin into a vviolent psychopath as a failure condition
FCG: WELL
CCA: god this wwhole thing was a fuckin mistake wwasnt it
CCA: i nevver shoulda become gams moirail in the first place
CCA: im just the shittiest goddamn moirail there evver fuckin wwas
CCA: cant evven help somebody like gam wwithout fuckin things up monumentally
CCA: i cannot BELIEVVE wwhat a fuckin asshole i am
FCG: ERIDAN, JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR A MINUTE, OKAY?
FCG: YOU'RE NOT A COMPLETELY AWFUL MOIRAIL.
FCG: YOU WERE JUST TRYING TO HELP GAMZEE.
FCG: AND YEAH, I MEAN, YOU MAY OR MAY NOT BE IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING IT UP CATASTROPHICALLY AS WE SPEAK
FCG: AND YOU'RE KIND OF A DUMBFUCK FOR BUMBLING INTO THIS WHOLE SOPOR THING ALL GUNGHO IN THE FIRST PLACE
FCG: BUT THE FACT THAT YOU'RE EVEN TRYING SAYS SOMETHING.
CCA: really
FCG: LOOK, JUST LET TAVROS TRY HIS THING
FCG: AND IF THAT DOESN'T WORK, YOU CAN JUST PUT GAMZEE BACK ON THE SLIME AND WE'LL WRITE THIS WHOLE THING OFF AS A WELL-INTENTIONED MISTAKE.
FCG: ALRIGHT?
CCA: wwell
CCA: ok
CCA: shit kar you alwways seem to knoww just the right thing to say
CCA: maybe you shouldvve been gams moirail
FCG: NO, FUCK YOU.
FCG: YOU'RE HIS MOIRAIL NOW, AND THAT IS FUCKING THAT.
FCG: SO GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER AND JUST DEAL WITH IT.
CCA: yeah alright
CCA: oh hey nep just got here
CCA: and shit theres eq right fuckin behind her
CCA: howw the fuck did he get here so fast
CCA: god that fuckin guy
CCA: hes probably got a bulge just thinkin about gettin subjugglated
FCG: ALRIGHT, I APPRECIATE YOU KEEPING ME UPDATED HERE, BUT CAN WE MOVE THIS TO A PRIVATE CONVERSATION?
FCG: IF THE REST OF THESE ASSHOLES WANT THE PLAY-BY-PLAY, THEY CAN GO TO FUCKING LOTAM THEMSELVES.
CCA: yeah sure
CCA: probably airin too much shit out here anywway
CCA: but really thanks for bein supportivve kar
FCG: YEAH YEAH WHATEVER.
FCG: TALK TO YOU ALMOST IMMEDIATELY.
CCA: right
FCG ceased responding to memo.
CCA ceased responding to memo.

CCA closed memo.

***

"Equius, no! You are not going up there!"

"Nepeta, you will release me at once."

The two stood a good distance from the entrance to Gamzee's hive, Nepeta interposing herself between Equius and the structure and attempting to restrain him by his arms. From where they were standing, they could occasionally catch quick glimpses of a blurry figure through the hive's windows, as well as the occasional flying horn or bottle of Faygo. They could also faintly hear the two occupants conversing, with Gamzee constantly babbling about death and murder, and Eridan's attempts at consolation being interrupted with a loud honk or the sharp hiss of an exploding soda bottle, each earning a string of expletives from the terrified seadweller.

"No I won't!" Nepeta shouted, glaring up at Equius and attempting to shake his massive arms, only succeeding in shaking herself against him. "You can't go up there! It's too dangerous! If you go confront Gamzee, one of you is going to get hurt, or probably even killed!"

Equius glowered down at her. "That is none of your concern," he said. "As the highest-blooded of the landdwellers only before him, it is my sole privilege to deal with the highblood."

"So what," Nepeta said, "you're going to try to stop him?"

Equius hesitated. "Er," was all he could manage in response.

"You're not!" Nepeta yelled, beating a hand against his chest. "You're just gonna go up there and kneel before him and let him beat you to death with a club, and you'll just sit there and take it with a smile on your face because you're a fucking idiot!"

Equius grabbed her wrist as delicately as he could, still sending a sharp spike of pain through it and causing her to flinch. "Nepeta, watch your language," he said suddenly and harshly.

"No! I won't watch my language, because you're being stupid!" Nepeta said, futilely attempting to wriggle her arm out of his grip until he released it. "I'm not letting you go up there, and that's that!"

Equius huffed, and a few beads of sweat began to appear on his forehead. "Nepeta, this is not something I expect you to understand, but it is something I must do," he said, his voice shaking with bridled rage. "Now get out of my way."

"No! I'm not getting out of your way!" Nepeta shouted, her arms balled into fists at her sides. "In fact..." She suddenly dropped to the ground and wrapped her entire body around Equius' shins. "I'm getting even more in your way! Now you can't even move without tearing me in half! What do you think about that?"

Equius looked down at her and let out a long, disgusted sigh. "Nepeta, stop this. You're being foolish."

"You're the one who's being foolish, Equius!" she shot back at him. "I'm doing this for your own good!"

The two continued to bicker for a while, with Equius vainly attempting to extricate himself from Nepeta's grip without hurting her, until they were interrupted by the arrival of Tavros. He was garbed in loose-fitting, light blue god tier apparel, and he fluttered to the ground on large brown wings, leaving a trail of cinnamon sparkles in his wake.

"Tavros?" Nepeta asked, disentangling herself from Equius' legs and standing once more. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm here to deal with Gamzee," Tavros replied, his voice unwavering, and filled with what she almost wanted to say was conviction.

"Correction, rustblood," Equius said, stepping between Tavros and Gamzee's hive. "I am here to deal with the highblood. You are entitled to do nothing more than watch."

Tavros just glared at him. "With all due respect, Equius," he spat, making it entirely clear how little that was, "this has nothing to do with you. It's between me and Gamzee."

"No," Equius growled in response, leaning over Tavros, "I am between you and the highblood."

Tavros didn't flinch. "Well, in that case," he said, "I guess you'll just have to step aside."

Equius pursed his lips, and he once again started to perspire. "Is that..." he started, his voice quivering with anger and disgust. "Is that a command?"

"Call it what you want," Tavros said, and took a step closer to look Equius straight in the eyes. "Just get. The fuck. Out. Of my way," he said in a low growl, almost a whisper, and raised a hand to his side. He swept it in front of him in a wave, and Equius was suddenly buffeted out of the way by a sharp blast of wind. Tavros strode confidently through the vacuum left in his wake, and Equius was too shocked to do anything but turn and watch him.

"Gamzee!" he shouted as he advanced toward the hive. "It's Tavros! Come out here and face me!"

The commotion in the hive came to a sudden stop, and after a moment's pause, the front door snapped open and then shut again as Gamzee darted his way through it. He stood fully upright, completely different from his normal slouched stance, and towered several inches over Tavros. Gamzee looked at him sorrowfully, his mouth contorted into a horrifying frown. "Tavbro, why'd you motherfuckin' come?" he said. "I MOTHERFUCKING TOLD YOU TO STAY THE MOTHER FUCK AWAY."

"I came to put an end to this, Gamzee," Tavros replied, looking Gamzee in the eyes earnestly.

"There's only one motherfuckin' way it's gonna motherfuckin' end, brother," Gamzee said. "I KILL EVERY MOTHERFUCKING LAST ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, OR ONE OF YOU MOTHERFUCKING KILLS ME."

"It doesn't have to be like this, Gamzee," Tavros said.

Gamzee looked to the ground, shaking his head. "I've seen the motherfuckin' truth, brother," he said. "I'VE SEEN THE MOTHERFUCKING DESTINY WHAT'S BEEN LAID MOTHERFUCKING DOWN TO ME." He let out a dry, choking laugh. "The Mirthful Messiahs were always a motherfuckin' lie. MY ONLY MOTHERFUCKING PURPOSE FOR EVER MOTHERFUCKING BEING WAS TO EXECUTE ALL YOU MOTHERFUCKERS."

"Gamzee, please," Tavros pleaded, opening his arms plaintively. "Just stop this."

"Wish I motherfuckin' could, but it's not that motherfuckin' simple," Gamzee said, then looked back up at Tavros, his mouth twisted into a snarl. "IT WON'T MOTHERFUCKIN' STOP UNLESS YOU'RE PREPARED TO MOTHERFUCKIN' STRIFE ME."

"Actually," Tavros said, suddenly shifting to a self-assured tone, "I'd prefer if we could settle this in a more traditional way." He held his left arm out, and suddenly a massive boombox materialized in it from his sylladex. He unhooked a microphone from it with his other hand and let it settle at his side.

Seeing this, Gamzee let out a long, honking laugh. "You want to motherfuckin' slam with me, brother?" he asked with a menacing grin. "YOU MOTHERFUCKING KNOW THE MOTHERFUCKING RULES."

"Of course," Tavros said with a smirk. "Winner takes the loser's life."

Gamzee frowned at him. "Don't motherfuckin' do this, Tavbro," he pleaded. "YOU NEVER MOTHERFUCKING BEAT ME IN A MOTHERFUCKING SLAM, AND I DON'T MOTHERFUCKING WANT TO HAVE TO MOTHERFUCKING CULL YOU."

Tavros' face turned to stone. "I'm not going to lose, Gamzee."

Rage clouded Gamzee's mind once more, and his frown again curled into a wicked grin. "Motherfuckin' fine then. THE MOTHERFUCKING CHALLENGER GOES FIRST."

Tavros hit the power button on the boombox and released his grip on it, forming a tiny little whirlwind to lower it gently to the ground. A soft, mournful piano piece started playing from its speakers, and Tavros raised his hood over his head. The two stared each other down, waiting for the beat to drop.

Eridan was watching everything unfold from the the hive's front window, frenetically dictating everything taking place into his huskpad. Seeing an opportunity to escape the hive, he disappeared from the window, then emerged from the hive's back entrance. Tavros and Gamzee continued their standoff, the boombox having transitioned to a strumming guitar piece, and Eridan carefully made his way over a tightrope to where Nepeta and Equius were standing.

"What the fuck are they doin'?" he asked, still tapping on his huskpad.

"It's a poetry slam," Equius answered, but didn't look away from the spectacle unfolding. "The traditional way of settling disputes among highbloods." He huffed out a prideful laugh. "The rustblood has no chance of defeating him. He will certainly be culled."

"I wouldn't be so sure about that..." Nepeta said with a sly smirk.

Eridan just rolled his eyes. "This is the dumbest fuckin' thing I've ever fuckin' seen."

Tavros tapped the microphone to ensure it was working properly, sending a few loud thumps through the boombox's speakers. Suddenly, a pounding beat dropped into the song, and he raised the mic to his mouth and began to rap.

"Okay, so, I know you must be feelin' mad,
All this lack of slime's got you really sad,
But, I just want to tell you, that it's not so bad,
You've got friends who care about you, and they're really glad,
That, uh, you're alright, you're not feeling the bite,
Or, uh, I guess you are, so uh, fuck, nevermind,
But, the point is, you've still got stuff to live for,
Even if you have to stop taking the sopor,
You've got a moirail who cares enough not to drug you,
And you've got all your friends, and maybe even one who loves you,
So like a legislacerator, I'm about to drub you,
Cook up a big souffle of rhymes and serve it up like grubfood,
Wait, I shouldn't mention baking, because of the pies,
So that was probably out of line, and I apologize,
But if you could see the truth and just look past all the lies,
You'd see this world is full of beauty, if you open your eyes."

From the sidelines, Nepeta gave an uncertain grimace. "Was... was that good?"

"No," said Equius flatly. "It was absolute rubbish."

"Well, I mean," Eridan started, proffering a justifying palm in a half-shrug, "the beginnin' was fuckin' awful, but it... kind of got better?"

Equius simply turned and looked at the seadweller, utterly silent. Eridan slumped his shoulders and looked away. "Okay, it was fuckin' garbage," he admitted as he returned to tapping away at his huskpad. "But maybe Gam won't be any better."

Tavros extended the mic and dropped it into Gamzee's waiting palm. The clown raised it to his head, mouth curved in a murderous grin, all the traces of compassion in his expression lost in the heat of subjugglation, and began to rap.

"Your rhymes are weak, and your message is motherfuckin' hollow,
So it's time to spit some rhymes for you to motherfuckin' follow,
No shitblood motherfucker can understand the depths of my sorrow,
So let me try to explain my pain with this mic that I've borrowed,
Ever since I was a fuckin' grub, I believed it was true,
That every brother would be saved by the Mirthful Messiahs two,
But the slime made me blind, clouded my fuckin' mind,
And now I see the truth that was always behind,
My violent activities, profane proclivities,
And it was never any motherfuckin' clownish divinities,
It's this indigo blood poundin' through my fuckin' veins,
Stirrin' me into a bloodlust, drivin' me insane,
And now I know my true purpose was always to cull,
Track down lowblood motherfuckers and cave in their fuckin' skulls,
Ain't no motherfuckin' miracle can stop this rage,
So just do yourself a favor and step off of the stage."

The three spectators looked on slack-jawed. "He's fucked," Eridan piped up.

"Well, it's still going," Nepeta offered hesitantly. "If he can do better, he still has a chance!"

Equius opened his mouth to speak, but the words didn't come out. He simply stood in silence, sweating profusely.

Gamzee slapped the mic into Tavros' open hand, and the brown-blooded troll raised it with a look of determination on his face. A light breeze began to stir the air as he began to rap once more.

"Now I hear what you're sayin, and I know you're not playin',
But I think it's time you listen to these rhymes that I'm layin',
I can see that you're a killer by the mark on your shirt,
But that don't mean that anybody further has to get hurt,
Nature versus nurture, it's all just a debate,
It doesn't make it fate that you'll have to subjugglate,
It's written down in history that you'll succumb to your rage,
But this a whole different chapter, so write up a new page,
I know there's fury smoldering all up in your brain,
But I'm not about to sit and let it up and drive you insane,
You've got friends that want to help you to get over this pain,
Work out the shit that's tangled in your fuckin' membrane,
Your anger is all-consuming, but I know you can fight it,
If it's your destiny to kill, then we'll just have to rewrite it,
Present fate your middle finger, drop your clubs just to spite it,
There's hope for good in all of us, we just have to ignite it."

Equius blinked, his eyes wide. "That was..." he started begrudgingly, "a marked improvement."

"Yeah, I don't know shit about poetry, but that sounded a lot fuckin' better," Eridan replied, still diligently entering keystrokes into his huskpad. "Shit, maybe Tav can actually win this fuckin' thing."

"Yeah!" Nepeta squealed with a little clap, then threw a fist into the air. "Go Tavros!"

As Tavros handed the mic to Gamzee, the highblood's grin vanished, the look on his face shifting from amusement to determination. The wind continued to howl as he started his rap.

"Motherfucker, this fuckin' blasphemy is makin' me choke,
The chucklevoodoos can't be stopped, that's a motherfuckin' joke,
The motherfuckin' urges deep inside me can't be repressed,
I'll cull and slaughter motherfuckers like a demon possessed,
The one reason for my being was a slanderous lie,
Designed to keep me all in line until the day that I die,
But now I've seen the fuckin' truth, and my whole world is shattered,
My whole religion was a joke, all that shit never mattered,
There ain't no motherfuckin' miracles except what we make,
From the tendons that we sever and the bones that we break,
The vaunted paradise I'll beckon with a mythical flood,
From the corpses of my brothers, flowing rivers of blood,
My only way to cope is killin' every fucker I see,
Already killed the only thing that ever mattered to me,
So whoever wins this fuckin' slam, we're both gonna lose,
Either way, the whole thing's fucked, why even bother to choose?"

Equius cocked an eyebrow. "That entire last stanza seems... particularly grim, even given his already dark subject matter," he pondered bemusedly. "What could he be talking about?"

"I think I know," Eridan said, giving Nepeta a knowing glance.

"Yeah, me too," Nepeta said, returning Eridan's look with a smirk. She turned back to the battle. "Now, Tavros! Go for it!"

Tavros looked back to her with a smirk of his own, and he snatched up the mic almost immediately after it left Gamzee's grip. The breeze intensified further, and little funnels of dust and debris began to twist around Tavros as he started to rap.

"Now I can see the only way to get through to ya's destruction,
So let me turn these bitches up to stern to give you instruction,
I'm not the troll you knew, so let me give a fresh introduction,
My name is Rufio, a fuckin' Tavros Nitram production,
Now let me tell you what I think of all these problems you got,
They're all bullshit on a platter, served up steamin' and hot,
Your fuckin' existential crisis is a trifle compared,
To all the fundamental stresses on the staircase-impaired,
But all the difficulties pressed upon me, I overcame,
And now I'm walkin' and I'm flyin', when before I was lame,
When all these challenges come to you, you just can't stay the same,
'Cause developing and growing is the name of the game,
I've overcome so many obstacles, you can't understand,
I've got spiders eatin' from the fuckin' palm of my hand,
I'm not about to let you go insane like destiny planned,
So now the shooshing will commence, and you know it'll be grand."

As the rap intensified, Tavros' voice heightened into a deafening crescendo, reverberating with an otherworldly power. Gamzee and the rest looked on in awe as the vortices swirling around Tavros began to lift him off the ground.

Equius, by this point, was sweating profusely. "He has found The Flow," he said reverentially. "There are no words." He quickly retrieved a fresh towel from his sylladex and began to wipe off his brow.

"Yeah, I think it's fair to say Tav's got a fuckin' monopoly on words at this point," Eridan admitted, the skeptical amusement once in his voice now completely absent.

Nepeta looked on wide-eyed with amazement. "They should've sent Troll Jodie Foster."

Tavros didn't even bother handing the mic back to Gamzee. Instead, he let his brown wings unfurl behind him, sending little clouds of sparkles in all directions. The wind whipped the hood off his head, and the fury of the maelstrom around him would have threatened to drown him out completely had it not been for the boombox amplifying his every word. Gamzee looked up with quickly slipping resolve as Tavros continued his verbal beatdown.

"So let me introduce you to a program I just made up,
It's a two-step intervention to get out of this rut,
Step one is to admit your problem, which you've just done,
And then the motherfuckin' next step's where it really gets fun,
Step two is to submit yourself to a higher power,
Who just happens to be ascending in this glorious hour,
There ain't no jovial divinities to find under Skaia,
So bow down, cause I'm your Verbal motherfuckin' Messiah,
I'll incinerate your sins in all my sickest of fires,
And let my lyrics burn away all your earthly desires,
From Prospit to Derse, everyone will join in congregation,
To bathe in the light of this terminal conflagration,
Your iniquities I'll vanquish, I'll exterminate your anguish,
Turn your weakness into strength with all the vagaries of language,
So it's time you give it up and just snap out of this rage,
Because your horns got handed to you, so bow down to the Page!"

As the whirlwind surrounding Tavros dissipated, the only sounds in the air were the slowly dying winds and the constant pulse of the beats. Tavros touched down to the ground and thrust the mic out in front of him. Gamzee simply stared, his mouth agape and quivering, and after a long pause, Tavros released the mic. A series of loud thumps sounded as it came to a stop on the ground. The beat continued for a moment more until Tavros jabbed a single finger toward the boombox, silencing it with a sharp thrust of wind.

As the beat died, Gamzee collapsed to his hands and knees. He stared into the ground, breathing heavily. "You fuckin' beat me, Tavbro. FAIR AND MOTHERFUCKING SQUARE," he said, his voice cracking, and he began to sob. "Just do it. MOTHERFUCKING KILL ME NOW."

As Gamzee continued to sob, Tavros looked down at him, the look of determination on his face melting into one of pity. "Gamzee, why are you crying?" he asked quietly.

"I didn't motherfuckin' want it to end this way, Tavbro," Gamzee lamented, still not looking up to face Tavros. "DIDN'T WANT TO MAKE YOU MOTHERFUCKING KILL ME." He buried his face in the ground, cradling his hands over the back of his head. "I fuckin' loved you, Tavbro," he said through muffled sobs. "BUT NOW IT DOESN'T MOTHERFUCKING MATTER."

Tavros sighed. "Who says I have to kill you?"

"We both motherfuckin' said it!" Gamzee looked up and cried. "WE AGREED ON THE MOTHERFUCKING TERMS!" He lowered his head and continued wailing.

Tavros furrowed his brow the slightest bit. "Get up," he commanded, and Gamzee complied, though he continued to stare downward.

"Nobody ever said anything about killing, Gamzee," Tavros said matter-of-factly, then smirked. "We said the winner takes the loser's life. It's fairly open to interpretation."

Gamzee sniffled and looked up. "So what are you gonna fuckin' do?"

Tavros laughed to himself. "Something I should've done a long time ago," he said. He stepped forward, reached a hand behind Gamzee's head, and pulled him into a kiss.

Gamzee's eyes widened in shock, but he quickly settled in, returning the kiss in full force. From the sidelines, Nepeta squealed in joy and clapped to herself, Eridan couldn't help but laugh, and all Equius could manage was to flinch and sputter out a wordless amalgamation of shock and disgust. He quickly buried his face in his towel.

Tavros disengaged the kiss with a smile, and Gamzee stared at him, his face full of wonderment. "Tavbro, are you...?" he started, but trailed off, unable to muster the belief to finish his sentence.

Tavros sighed, and his smile slanted into a lopsided frown. "I'm sorry, Gamzee," he said, his voice a curious cocktail of elation and regret. "I really should've done this sooner. When you first..." he looked to the side, and a brown flush filled his cheeks, "...proposed the idea, I never even really gave it a chance. And I really should have reacted to it better."

"Nah, I get it, bro," Gamzee said in an unusually stable voice, neither the menacing whisper nor the bellowing growl of moments ago. "I pretty much up and sprang that shit over you in the worst motherfuckin' way imaginable."

"Yeah, maybe," Tavros said, tilting his head, then turned back to face Gamzee. "But still! I never even thought about what it might be like to be your matesprit. I just pushed the whole thing out of my mind. And I think if I had thought about it..." The frown on his face was once again replaced with a smile. "...I would've really liked the idea."

Gamzee's eyes widened even further, and an indigo blush was barely visible under his facepaint. "Tavbro, are you saying..."

Tavros cut him off by grabbing his hands. "It's not too late, is it, Gamzee?" he asked, looking up at him pleadingly. "Can we still be matesprits?"

Gamzee laughed, and a wide grin covered his face. "Shit yeah we can, brother," he said, and the two leaned in for a long, passionate kiss. Nepeta, wanting to start a tradition, started cheering and clapping once more, and Eridan joined in the applause with a grin. Equius simply muttered something unintelligible into his towel and turned away from the spectacle.

Once they finished, Nepeta scampered up to them. "So do you two really want to be matespurrits?" she asked excitedly, flicking her tail behind her.

"Yeah, we do," Tavros answered with a smile. "That's pretty much all there is to say on the matter."

"That's great!" she exclaimed, doing a happy little jump in place. "I'm so happy fur you two!"

"Not as motherfuckin' happy as I am, sister," Gamzee said, wrapping an arm around Tavros' shoulder and pulling him in tightly.

"As we are," Tavros quickly corrected. Gamzee just laughed in response.

"Well, of course not!" Nepeta admitted. "Ah, this is so exciting! I've got to update my shipping wall right away! And then I'll need to post another memo!"

"I wouldn't be too quick to post that memo, actually," Tavros warned her, and a devious grin crawled across his face. "We've got some... things we need to take care of first."

Nepeta laughed, then quickly raised a hand over her face, to cover both her mouth and the slight olive blush streaking across her cheeks. "Yes, yes, of course! Well, just troll me whenefur you're done!"

Eridan sheepishly approached the couple, and raised two fingers to Gamzee in a lazy wave. "Hey, Gam, you uh..." he started nervously, "You alright?"

Gamzee shot him a thumbs-up. "Better than I ever been on my motherfuckin' life, palebro," he said contentedly.

Eridan returned his thumbs-up and laughed nervously. He looked over to Tavros. "So, uh, you two got this under control?"

"I think so, yes," Tavros said with a smirk. "If anything happens, I always carry some unhealthy incendiaries on me for emergencies."

Eridan laughed a little more freely this time. "Alright, well, I assume you two'll want some privacy." He tilted a thumb towards Nepeta. "Unless little miss fuckin' voyeur over here wants a free show from you too."

Nepeta slapped his arm playfully. "Of course I don't! Shut up!" Eridan slapped back at her, and the two engaged in a brief slapfight as Tavros and Gamzee looked on laughing. 

Nepeta was the first to propose a ceasefire (or ceaseslap, as it were). "Okay, okay, stop!" she shouted, blocking Eridan's weak slaps with her arms. She turned to Tavros and Gamzee. "Anyway! We should purrobably leave you two alone fur now!"

"Yeah, purrobably," Eridan repeated sardonically, rubbing his aching hands. "Have fun, you two."

"That was the plan, motherfucker," Gamzee said with a thumbs-up.

"Nepeta, I'll troll you when we're ready to post on that memo," Tavros said.

"Sure thing!" Nepeta said. "Talk to you soon!" She turned to walk away, grabbing Eridan's cape in an attempt to pull him along.

"Hey, watch the fuckin' cape," he said, slapping her hand away. He issued a final wave to Tavros and Gamzee, then turned to leave as well. The couple returned the wave, then absconded into Gamzee's hive.

"Well, that went surpurrisingly well!" Nepeta said with a grin.

Eridan just looked away. "Eh, I suppose," he muttered. "Maybe I didn't fuck up as colossally as I imagined."

Nepeta reached over and rubbed his shoulder. "Hey, all's well that ends well, right? Don't worry about it."

He shrugged. "Yeah, I guess."

The two very nearly walked right past Equius, who still had his back turned to the hive and his face shrouded in towel. Nepeta tried to yank the towel away from him, succeeding only in getting him to pull it off of his head. "Equius, what are you doing?"

Equius breathed heavily. "That entire spectacle was so... depraved," he said in a desperately puzzled tone. "That a mere rustblood could best a subjugglator in a poetry slam so effortlessly... and that the highblood would willingly relinquish his flushed quadrant to such a lowborn peasant..." He paused his rambling to wipe the significant perspiration from his brow.

Nepeta just rolled her eyes at him. "Ugh, Equius, just get ofur yourself! Gamzee likes Tavros and Tavros likes Gamzee, and that's all that matters!" She tugged at one of his arms. "Now I think they want a little purrivacy, so let's just go!"

Equius lowered his arms to his sides. "Yes, I think leaving this place would... probably be a good idea," he muttered. Nepeta rolled her eyes at him again, and the three of them headed off for the nearest gate off the planet.

***

CURRENT arsenicCatnip [CAC] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board :33 < THE SHIPPING WALL.

CURRENT caligulasAquarium [CCA] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCA: *the rogue of heart tries to wwalk in wwith a shippin update or some stupid shit like that but the prince of hope sticks a foot out in front of her and trips her*
CCA: *she falls stupid kittycat face first into the fuckin floor and he laughs at her as he takes a swwig of faygo*
CAC: :33 < hey!!!
CAC: :33 < how did you even type that so fast???
CCA: hahaha i typed all that up beforehand and just pasted it right as soon as you opened this stupid memo
CAC: :33 < uuugh, youre such an asshole!!!
FUTURE centaursTesticle [FCT] 4 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCT: D --> Nepeta
CAC: :33 < WHAT, equius????
FCT: D --> 100k
FCT: D --> I completely 100% understand your disliking the seadweller
FCT: D --> But if he bothers you that much, why don't you just ban him
CAC: :33 < beclaws i like calling him a douche to his stupid face!
CAC: :33 < its no fun if he isnt around to respawnd
CCA: yeah eq use your fuckin think pan here
FCT: D --> Hrk
FCT: D --> Ok, fine
FCT: D --> But must you really use such foul vernac001ar
CCA: cmon eq think about this
CCA: if nep had to wwatch her language it wwouldnt be fuckin fair at all
CCA: makin her pull her fuckin punches wwhile im droppin enough f bombs to evvaporate all the fuckin seas on alternia
CCA: so just let your fuckin stupid moirail indulge in a fuckin oath or twwo so wwe can levvel the fuckin playin field a bit
FCT: D --> Why are you encouraging this
CCA: cause i like this little rapport wwevve devveloped here
CCA: its amusin as all fuck
FCT: D --> Ugh
FCT: D --> Fine
FCT: D --> But I abso100tely disapprove of this
CAC: :33 < duly noted!
CAC: :33 < anyway, i have an impurrtant shipping update!
CAC: :33 < tavros, would you care to break the news?
CURRENT adiosToreador [CAT] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CAT: wITH PLEASURE,
CAT: wELL, fIRST OF ALL,
CAT: tHE gAMZEE SITUATION, iF YOU WERE AWARE OF IT, hAS BEEN RESOLVED,
CAT: aND SECOND, hE AND i ARE NOW MATESPRITS,
CURRENT terminallyCapricious [CTC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CTC: Shit yeah, motherfuckers!
CTC: Honk honk honk! :o)
CURRENT carcinoGeneticist [CCG] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.
CCG: UH
CCG: GAMZEE?
CTC: Hey, what the fuck is all up, best platonic motherfuckin friend?
CCG: WHY ARE YOU TYPING LIKE THAT?
CTC: Typing like what, motherfucker?
CCG: YOU'RE NOT DOING THAT ANNOYING AS FUCK ALTERNATING CAPS THING.
CCG: OR THE OTHER CREEPY AS FUCK ALTERNATING CAPS THING, FOR THAT MATTER.
CCG: SO BASICALLY, WHAT THE FUCK.
CTC: Awwww fuck man, I didn't even motherfuckin realize that shit.
CTC: I just up and started typin like this all over my motherfuckin own or some shit, I guess.
CTC: Kind of motherfuckin hard to explain why I'd all up and just stop with the annoyin as fuck alternating caps shit.
CTC: Like, before I always felt like there were these two motherfuckin voices screamin to my think pan, fightin for motherfuckin control.
CTC: And then when I went off the slime, it's like they all up and split, takin motherfuckin turns talkin at me.
CTC: But now the only voice I hear is the one of the motherfuckin Verbal Messiah, my main flushbro, Tavros.
CTC: I mean, man, it just feels motherfuckin natural and shit.
CTC: And you just got to be going with what's right at where your heart's up in, you know?
CTC: Honk honk! :oD
CCG: HOLY SHIT.
CCG: THIS IS JUST THE WEIRDEST FUCKING THING I'VE EVER SEEN.
CCG: TAVROS, WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO HIM?
PAST arachnidsGrip [PAG] 16 MINUTES AGO responded to memo.
PAG: You want to know what he did?
PAG: He challenged Gamzee to a poetry slam!
PAG: And he COMPLETELY FUCKING DEVAST8ED HIM!!!!!!!!
CAT: oH, hEY vRISKA,
PAG: Tavros! I saw the whole thing on your computer!
PAG: And it was fucking amazing!!!!!!!!
PAG: Like, I don't even know the first thing a8out slam poetry, 8ut you just utterly annihil8ed Gamzee!
CAT: hAHA, yEAH, i GUESS,
PAG: Seriously, the whole thing was awesome!
PAG: Like, even the part 8efore you started rapping, where Equius was all trying to get in your way for whatever stupid reason.
PAG: And you were just like, "Get the fuck out of my way!" and shoved him aside like a ragdoll!
PAG: God, it was soooooooo cooooooool!!!!!!!!
FCT: D --> Er
FCT: D --> Could we not talk about that part
CCG: WAIT, WHAT?
CCG: WHEN THE FUCK DID EQUIUS BECOME SHOVABLE?
CCG: IS THAT EVEN PHYSICALLY POSSIBLE?
CAT: wELL, iT'S NOT LIKE i USED MY ARMS,
CAT: i USED MY BREATH POWERS,
FCT: D --> Ok, seriously
FCT: D --> Can we please not di%uss this
PAG: What's wrong, Equius?
PAG: Angry that you just got utterly shamed by a lowly "rust8100d"?
FCT: D --> Um
FCT: D --> Kind of
PAG: Hahahahahahahaha.
FCT: D --> For the record, mudb100d
FCT: D --> Your performance was e%emplary
FCT: D --> And your skill at slam poetry is tr001y impressive
FCT: D --> I do not often deign to compliment commoners like this, but you are a credit to your caste
CAT: i'M SORRY,
CAT: aRE YOU TALKING TO ME,
FCT: D --> What
FCT: D --> What is this f001ishness
FCT: D --> Of course I'm talking to you
FCT: D --> Which other mudb100d could I be referring to
CAT: sEE, iT'S JUST KIND OF FUNNY,
CAT: bECAUSE YOU NEVER ACTUALLY USED MY NAME,
CAT: aND IT JUST KIND OF SEEMS LIKE IF YOU WANTED TO TALK TO ME, yOU WOULD REFER TO ME BY NAME,
CAT: dOES THAT SEEM REASONABLE TO YOU, eQUIUS,
FCT: D --> Erm
FCT: D --> Are you
FCT: D --> Are you commanding me to refer to you by name
CAT: i'M JUST EXPLAINING A BASIC CONVENTION OF CONVERSATION,
CAT: iT JUST SORT OF SEEMS LIKE COMMON SENSE TO ME,
CAT: oR IS THAT ONE OF MANY THINGS YOU'RE LACKING,
FCT: D --> Ok
FCT: D --> This is starting to make me upset
PAG: Aaaaaaaahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!
PAG: Tavros, this is fucking amazing, keep going!
CCG: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK IS GOING ON HERE?
CCG: TAVROS, SINCE WHEN DO YOU SASS ANYBODY?
CAT: hAHA, sORRY,
CAT: i'M STILL COMING DOWN FROM THE HIGH OF VERBAL DOMINATION,
CAT: tHIS WHOLE CONFIDENCE THING IS UNUSUALLY EXHILIRATING,
CAT: iT KIND OF MAKES ME FEEL LIKE, sOME KIND OF DEITY,
PAG: Well, if you want to get technical, you ARE a god.
CTC: Technical? Nah, fuck that shit, Tavbro is a literal motherfuckin divinity all up in his own motherfuckin self.
CTC: Born of humble origins, he has suffered the thousand motherfuckin indignities of outrageous fortune and motherfuckin endured.
CTC: And at the motherfuckin end, his most hated motherfuckin foes prostrated before them, and he CONQUERED DEATH ITS MOTHERFUCKIN SELF to claim his rightful motherfuckin place as the King of Kings of Wordtech.
CTC: He is the Verbal Messiah, and I am motherfuckin humbled that I might be his closest motherfuckin disciple.
CAT: uH, gAMZEE, wOW,
CAT: tHAT'S ALL REALLY FLATTERING OF YOU TO SAY,
CAT: bUT REALLY, yOU DON'T HAVE TO WORSHIP ME LIKE SOME KIND OF GOD,
CAT: aND i'D ACTUALLY, uH, pREFER IF YOU DIDN'T,
CAT: iT'S A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE, rEALLY,
CTC: Well, shit, it was never my motherfuckin intention to all up and make a brother motherfuckin uncomfortable.
CTC: How all would you prefer on me to motherfuckin treat you?
CAT: wELL, hOW ABOUT WE JUST ACT LIKE THE BEST BROS EVER,
CAT: wHO MAKE OUT SOMETIMES,
CTC: Well, fuuuuck, I think I could motherfuckin manage on that shit.
CAT: tHANKS, gAMZEE,
CTC: Ain't no motherfuckin thing, Tavbro.
CTC: <3
CAT: <3
CCG: WOW, OKAY.
CCG: NEPETA, SHOULD I ASSUME YOU HAD SOME PART IN THIS?
CAC: :33 < actually, no!
CAC: :33 < i didnt plan any of this at all!
CAC: :33 < it was all just sort of a happy coincidence
PAG: Well, you may not have 8een directly responsi8le for it, 8ut you kind of were indirectly.
PAG: I mean, I'm the one who convinced Tavros he should talk to Gamzee a8out 8eing his m8sprit.
PAG: And this whole thing with Gamzee only happened 8ecause Eridan took him off the sopor.
PAG: And all that stuff only happened 8ecause you hooked us up in the first place.
PAG: So I mean, you could kind of claim responsi8ility, if you really wanted to.
CCA: look speakin a the wwhole sopor thing
CCA: gam i really just dropped the fuckin ball here
CCA: i pretty much fucked up this wwhole moirail thing as much as its possible to fuck anything in any givven direction not evven restrictin ourselvves to just up in particular
CCA: an if you dont wwant to be moirails anymore i completely understand
CTC: Bro, you just need to drop that shit right the mother fuck now.
CTC: You ain't the motherfucker what lost his fuckin head, so you got no motherfuckin right blamin any of that shit for yourself.
CTC: I'm the motherfucker what should be apologizin at your own self for all actin as a motherfuckin psychopath.
CCA: gam dont evven wworry about it
CCA: its all physiological shit nothin you can fuckin do about that
CCA: its my fault for fuckin divvin into this wwhole detox thing head first like a fuckin chump
CTC: Eridan, you all had my best interest all up in on your motherfuckin heart, and that's all that motherfuckin matters.
CTC: And shit, even though this all turned up to be a comedy of errors of divine motherfuckin proportions, all that shit up and worked out to the motherfuckin end anyways, so who gives a fuck around the motherfuckin particulars?
CCG: YEAH, ERIDAN, EVEN THOUGH YOU FUCKED UP IN JUST ABOUT EVERY WAY IMAGINABLE, EVERYTHING WORKED OUT PERFECTLY IN SPITE OF IT.
CCG: DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS?
CCA: wwhat
CCG: THAT RIGHT THERE IS THE MARYAM-GRUBSTER'S COLLEGIATE DICTIONARY DEFINITION OF A MOTHERFUCKING MIRACLE.
CTC: Ahahahaha, fuck yeah, motherfucker!
CTC: I knew you to all up and be a firm believer in the motherfuckin miracles, invertebrother!
CCA: wwell shit
CCA: cant really argue wwith that noww can i
CAT: aCTUALLY, eRIDAN, i SHOULD BE THANKING YOU,
CAT: tHIS WHOLE SITUATION WAS JUST THE MOTIVATION i NEEDED TO ACTUALLY GO THROUGH WITH THIS,
CCA: really
CAT: yEAH, i MEAN,
CAT: vRISKA CONVINCED ME i SHOULD TALK TO gAMZEE EVENTUALLY,
CAT: bUT THIS WHOLE THING WITH THE SOPOR FORCED MY HAND,
CAT: aND i'M REALLY GLAD IT DID, bECAUSE IT WENT PERFECTLY,
CCA: yeah from your perspectivve i guess it kinda did
CCA: i mean you wwere a fuckin badass back there tavv
CCA: all calm an collected an wwalkin up to this murderous fuckin clowwn an challengin him to a poetry slam like its nothin
CCA: wwhat got you evven up the gumption to all fuckin do the shit like that
CAT: wELL, i MEAN, oBVIOUSLY i WAS SCARED,
CAT: bUT i JUST TOLD MYSELF, lOOK,
CAT: iF YOU HAD ONE SHOT, oR ONE OPPORTUNITY,
CAT: tO SEIZE EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED, oNE MOMENT,
CAT: wOULD YOU CAPTURE IT, oR LET IT SLIP,
CAT: aND i KNEW THAT THIS WAS MY ONE SHOT,
CAT: sO i LOOKED DEEP INSIDE MYSELF, aND i FOUND tHE fLOW, AND i JUST SORT OF LOST MYSELF IN THE MUSIC,
CAT: bECAUSE i KNEW AN OPPORTUNITY LIKE THIS COMES ONCE IN A LIFETIME,
CCA: wwell shit
CCA: do you guys really think it isnt that big a deal
CCG: OH, IT'S STILL A COLOSSAL FUCKING DEAL, DON'T GET IT WRONG.
CCG: IT JUST ALL WORKED OUT ANYWAY, APPARENTLY BECAUSE OF SOME INSANE RAP SKILLS TAVROS PULLED OUT OF HIS FUCKING NOOK.
CCG: SO JUST DON'T FUCK UP AS MASSIVELY IN THE FUTURE AS YOU DID TODAY AND EVERYTHING SHOULD BE FINE.
CCA: wwell i think i can manage that
CCA: not really any other problems a this magnitude i can fuckin imagine
CCA: unless it turns out drinkin too much faygo causes murderous clowwn rage too or some inane shit like that
CAT: wOW, i SURE HOPE NOT,
CAT: i'VE BEEN DRINKING THIS STUFF ALL NIGHT,
CAT: aND i THINK MURDEROUS CLOWN RAGE IS THE LAST THING i WANT TO BE SUFFERING FROM RIGHT NOW,
CCG: OH MY FUCKING GOD NO.
CCG: TAVROS, PLEASE TELL ME THAT WAS A JOKE, AND THAT YOU AREN'T ACTUALLY DRINKING THAT HOLOCAUST OF A BEVERAGE YOU CALL FAYGO.
CAT: oKAY, i DON'T REALLY SEE WHAT THE BIG DEAL IS,
CAT: i MEAN,
CAT: iT'S JUST SODA,
CCA: THANK YOU
CAT: i MEAN, sOME OF THESE FLAVORS eRIDAN MADE ARE PRETTY GOOD,
CAT: i LIKE THE CHOCOLATE CHERRY SODA ONE A LOT, aCTUALLY,
CCG: GOD FUCKING DAMNIT.
CCG: THAT IS NOW A FULL QUARTER OF OUR TEAM THAT DRINKS THAT LIQUID WAR CRIME IN A BOTTLE.
CCG: TAVROS, I'M REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU AND GAMZEE BOTH, BUT I JUST ABSOLUTELY FUCKING LOATHE YOU RIGHT NOW.
CTC: Well, shit yeah, brother, what the mother fuck is new?
CAT: yEAH, tHAT'S A FAIR POINT, aCTUALLY,
PAG: Oh hey, I just realized!
PAG: Since 8oth of the moirails of the happy couple are present and accounted for, I think it's juuuuuuuust a8out that time.
PAG: You know what I'm talking a8out, Eridan?
CCA: oh i think i knoww exactly wwhat your fuckin talkin about
PAG: It's time for........
PAG: THE TALK.
CCA: fuck yes the talk
CCA: this is like the best fuckin part a bein palepals
PAG: Gamzee! I'm really glad that you decided to 8ecome Tavros' m8sprit, and I hope you make him the happiest he's ever 8een!
PAG: And if you ever do anything to hurt him, I'll inflict such excruci8ing pain upon you that you'll wish for death, 8ut it will never, ever come!
PAG: Are we a8solutely clear????????
CTC: Clear as motherfuckin crystal Faygo, spidersis.
CTC: Even though Tavbro all worked his motherfuckin pale miracles all over you, frankly you still kinda motherfuckin scare me.
PAG: That's good! You are a8solutely right to 8e scared!
PAG: Spiders may not have a reput8ion for 8eing protective of their young, 8ut if you ever do wrong 8y him, I will fall upon you like a furious mother choler8ear defending her cu8s and rip you apart lim8 8y lim8!
CTC: Shit, you'd all be up on your motherfuckin rights to cull my hurtful ass if I ever got the fuckin idea to do any shit like that.
PAG: Gr8! You have my 8lessings!
PAG: Eridan, your turn.
CCA: wwell shit its kinda hard to followw that but ill do my fuckin best
CCA: tavv i really appreciate evverythin youvve done for gam already
CCA: an im really glad you decided to become his matesprit cause i can tell you he wwanted it more than anything in the fuckin wworld
CAT: oF COURSE, eRIDAN,
CAT: i'M GLAD i COULD HELP YOU AND gAMZEE BOTH,
CCA: an if you evver do anything to harm him ill avvenge myself upon you wwith all the furious fuckin tempest of evvery angel on lowwaa combined
CCA: all the fuckin rap in the wworld wwont be able to savve you once ahabs crosshairs havve pierced a searin hole through your fuckin lungs
CCA: are wwe absolutely fuckin clear on that
CAT: yES, aBSOLUTELY,
CAT: i WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HURT gAMZEE,
CCA: ok good
CCA: formalities out a the wway im really fuckin happy for the both a you
PAG: Yeah, me too!
PAG: I assume you'll want to spend a little more time together?
CAT: yES, iF THAT'T NOT A PROBLEM,
PAG: No pro8lem at all! I'll just go spend some more time with Kanaya.
CCA: actually vvris if its alright could i talk wwith you after this
CCA: wwanted to put a little more wwork into our little scheme
PAG: Oh yeah, the scheme! I totally forgot a8out that!
PAG: Yeah, I'd 8e up for colla8or8ing on that some more.
CAC: :33 < hey, do you guys want my help, too?
CCA: wwell that depends
CCA: havve you done the reconnaissance yet
CAC: :33 < oh no, i still n33d to do that! XPP
CAC: :33 < ill get on that right away!
CCG: THE SCHEME?
CCG: I ASSUME THIS IS THE BRILLIANT SCHEME TO FIND ERIDAN A MATESPRIT THAT WAS MENTIONED ON THE LAST MEMO.
CCA: maybe maybe not
CCG: LOOK, DO YOU GUYS WANT ANY HELP WITH THAT?
CCG: BECAUSE EVERY ROMCOM BONE IN MY BODY IS SCREAMING AT ME TO GET INVOLVED IN WHATEVER SHENANIGANS YOU'RE PLANNING.
CCA: i really wwish you could kar but theres already like four people invvolvved not evven countin the target
CCA: if this scheme gets any bigger its gonna end up devvourin itself like some kinda horrible romance ouroboros
CCG: YES, I'M ALREADY AWARE OF WHAT AN ENORMOUSLY BLOATED LEVIATHAN THIS PARTICULAR PLOT HAS BALLOONED INTO.
CCG: BUT IF YOU OR NEPETA OR ANYBODY ELSE HAS ANY OTHER RIDICULOUS SHIPPING GAMBITS YOU WANT TO ENACT, COULD YOU PLEASE JUST CALL ME FIRST?
CCG: I'M DYING HERE.
CCA: yeah sure thing kar
CCG: THANK YOU.
CCA: anywway i should probably get goin
PAG: Yeah, me too.
PAG: Tavros and Gamzee, have fun, you two!!!!!!!!
CAT: oH YES,
CAT: fUN IS DEFINITELY THE THING WE'VE BEEN HAVING,
CAT: };)
PAG: Hahahahahahahaha, of course.
PAG: Anyway, I'll see you tomorrow, pro8a8ly?
CAT: yES, mOST LIKELY,
PAG: Gr8! Talk to you then!
PAG: 8ye! <>
CAT: <>
PAG ceased responding to memo.
CCA: yeah you twwo havve plenty a fun
CCA: gam i guess ill hit you up tomorroww at some point
CTC: Sure motherfuckin thing, palebro!
CTC: Honk honk! :o)
CCA: an tavv thanks again for all your help
CAT: iT'S NO PROBLEM, rEALLY,
CAT: i HAVEN'T SLAMMED IN A WHILE, aCTUALLY, sO IT WAS NICE TO GET AN OPPORTUNITY,
CTC: Well, the night's still motherfuckin young, bro.
CTC: Still plenty of motherfuckin time for gettin our rap all up on.
CAT: hEY, yEAH, i SUPPOSE THAT'S A GOOD POINT,
CAT: jUST BECAUSE THE BATTLE IS OVER DOESN'T MEAN THE POETRY HAS TO STOP,
CTC: Well fuck if that ain't just the best motherfuckin sentiment what any motherfucker up and fuckin expressed.
CCA: uh
CCA: yeah
CCA: im just gonna leavve you twwo alone wwith that
CCA: havve fun
CTC: You motherfuckin know it, brother!
CTC: Peace the mother fuck out, palebro!
CTC: <>
CCA: heh yeah
CCA: <>
CCA ceased responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < well, i guess that kinda wraps things up here!
FCT: D --> Er, a%ually, if I may
CCG: OH RIGHT, THIS ASSHOLE'S STILL HERE.
FCT: D --> Highb100d
FCT: D --> While I do not agree with your choosing this ignoble lowb100d serf to be your matesprit
FCT: D --> I am in no place to make an obje%ion
FCT: D --> So I wish you the greatest of happiness
CTC: Equius, I all appreciate your motherfuckin sentiment, but you've got to watch what you motherfuckin say up at Tavbro here.
CTC: You can't just all up and motherfuckin insult my matesprit like that, bro, it's not motherfuckin cool.
FCT: D --> Hrk
FCT: D --> I'm sorry
FCT: D --> It was udderly f001ish of me to cast aspersions on your choice of matesprit
FCT: D --> Please forgive me
CTC: Motherfucker, you shouldn't be apologizing at me, you should be apologizing toward motherfuckin Tavbro.
FCT: D --> Uh
FCT: D --> Is that a command
CTC: Yeah, it kind of motherfuckin is.
FCT: D --> Um
FCT: D --> Ok
FCT: D --> Rustb100d
CAT: i'M SORRY, wHO,
CAT: tHERE ARE SO MANY RUSTBLOODS HERE, i HAVE NO IDEA WHICH ONE IN PARTICULAR YOU'RE REFERRING TO,
FCT: D --> Hrgkfghkrglkhgh
FCT: D --> I mean
FCT: D --> Tavros
CAT: yES, eQUIUS,
FCT: D --> I am
FCT: D --> Tr001y sorry for insulting you
FCT: D --> You are not a%ually an ignoble serf
FCT: D --> And even if you were, that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing
CTC: >:o(
FCT: D --> Er, I mean, disregard that last statement
FCT: D --> You are 100% worthy of the highb100d
FCT: D --> And it was e%tremely rude of me to imply otherwise
FCT: D --> So I apologize
CAT: tHANK YOU, eQUIUS, i FORGIVE YOU,
FCT: D --> Now, if you have no more orders, I must sign off
FCT: D --> I suddenly require an e%cess of towels
FCT: D --> And also something to break
FCT: D --> A lot of things to break, a%ually
CTC: Yeah, motherfucker, go for it.
FCT: D --> Very well
FCT ceased responding to memo.
CCG: AHAHAHAHA, THAT WAS FUCKING HILARIOUS.
CAC: :33 < h33 h33, it kind of was!
CCG: SERIOUSLY, I USED TO THINK YOU TWO WERE TERRIBLE.
CCG: WHEN DID YOU BECOME SO AWESOME?
CTC: Well, I'd say it's all thanks for the motherfuckin magic of moirallegiance.
CAT: aND SLAM POETRY, oF COURSE,
CTC: Awwww shit, how motherfuckin rude on me to all up and forget the therapeutic powers of motherfuckin slam poetry.
CAT: bUT YEAH, tHIS NEVER WOULD'VE HAPPENED IF IT WEREN'T FOR vRISKA,
CAT: oR eRIDAN, FOR THAT MATTER,
CCG: AND, OF COURSE, ALL THAT COMES BACK TO NEPETA.
CCG: WHY DOES THAT NOT SURPRISE ME?
CAC: :33 < hey, im not taking any credit fur this one!
CAC: :33 < it was all these two and their meowrails!
CCG: I'M STILL GIVING YOU POINTS FOR GENERAL INVOLVEMENT.
CCG: ANYWAY, I GUESS YOU'VE GOT THIS BIG ERIDAN SCHEME YOU'RE WORKING ON, SO YOU DON'T NEED ANY DIRECTION FROM ME.
CCG: UNLESS YOU WANT DIRECTION FROM ME.
CAC: :33 < i do, actually!
CCG: UH, OKAY.
CCG: DO THAT BIG ERIDAN SCHEME YOU'RE WORKING ON.
CAC: :33 < would you like the giggle or not?
CCG: YEAH, LET'S GO WITH THE GIGGLE THIS TIME.
CAC: :33 < h33 h33! sir yes sir!
CCG: EXCELLENT.
CCG: ANYWAY, TAVROS, GAMZEE, I'M GONNA BE HONEST
CCG: I THINK YOUR ENTIRE MATESPRITSHIP IS A LITTLE FUCKING WEIRD.
CCG: BUT AS LONG AS YOU'RE HAPPY WITH EACH OTHER, WHAT THE FUCK DO I CARE.
CCG: REALLY HOPE IT WORKS OUT FOR YOU.
CTC: Well shit, your blessing is motherfuckin appreciated, best platonic friend.
CAT: yEAH, tHANKS, kARKAT,
CAC: :33 < im really happy fur you guys too!
CAC: :33 < and if you efur n33d any advice, youre fr33 to come to me!
CTC: Mighty motherfuckin nice on you to offer, catsister.
CAC: :33 < and dont efur be afuraid to talk to your meowrails about anything either!
CAT: yES, oF COURSE,
CAT: aNYWAY, wE SHOULD PROBABLY GET GOING, tOO,
CAT: tHERE'S SO MUCH POETRY TO COMPOSE, aND SO LITTLE TIME,
CTC: Awwwwww yeah, my motherfuckin flushbro!
CTC: Now that's a motherfuckin sentiment I can all get beside!
CTC: <3
CAT: hAHA, oF COURSE,
CAT: <3
CTC ceased responding to memo.
CAT ceased responding to memo.
CCG: WELL SHIT, OKAY.
CCG: NOT MUCH ELSE FOR ME TO SAY HERE.
CCG: YOU SURE YOU CAN'T DIVULGE A LITTLE MORE INFORMATION ABOUT THIS NEXT SHIPPING GAMBIT OF YOURS?
CAC: :33 < i really wish i could, but its all so delicately balanced already!
CAC: :33 < im sorry, karkitty :((
CCG: NO, IT'S FINE, I GET IT.
CAC: :33 < maybe next time, you can be involved, though!
CCG: YEAH, I'D LIKE THAT.
CAC: :33 < great!
CCG: OKAY, WELL
CCG: I GUESS I'LL GET GOING.
CAC: :33 < okay, bye karkitty!
CCG: YEAH, BYE, NEPETA.
CCG ceased responding to memo.
CAC: :33 < alright, nothing else to say here!
CAC: :33 < guess ill just do the closing narration and be done with it!
FUTURE caligulasAquarium [FCA] 27 MINUTES FROM NOW responded to memo.
FCA: *the rogue of heart tries to get up off the floor but the prince of hope puts a boot on her back and pours out a forty of faygo right on her stupid fuckin head*
FCA: *then he takes her fuckin shoes and leavves because haha got your fuckin shoes noww wwhat the fuck are you gonna do*
CAC: :33 < arrgrghrflkjfkljggkhgfdhg god damnit!!!!
FCA: aaaaahahahahahahaha
CAC banned FCA from responding to memo.
CAC ceased responding to memo.

CAC closed memo.