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Kai fidgeted with the sleeve to his gi, tracing the metallic knuckle guards on his gloves as he sat anxiously, waiting for Lloyd to finish up with his shower. Guilt sat in the pit of his stomach like a rock, the knowledge of his mistreatment of the boy gnawing at his mind like a starving animal, begging and pleading to finally be addressed after so long.
It had been years ago. He had only been about 15. Lloyd had never even given any inclination that he was angry or upset with the ninja for what they did.
That knowledge didn’t work to ease his discomfort at all though; considering it was Lloyd, master of avoiding conflict, he doubted the boy would actually ever confront one of them if he was upset. His track record had shown them just how well he could bundle up and hide emotions, all in the name of keeping the peace and being a ‘good leader’.
“Kai?”
The brunette's head snapped up as he watched Lloyd walking into the room; comfy looking green pyjamas hung from his body as he ruffled his shaggy blonde hair to a near-dry state with a fluffy white towel. He looked a little confused as to why Kai was sitting on his bed, sure it wasn’t uncommon for the pair to let themselves into each other's rooms but it was usually when the other was already inside- it was rare to find one half of the pair waiting for the other somewhere like that.
“I wanted to talk to you. Sorry, I probably should have said something before, right?”
“No it’s fine”
Lloyd hummed as he sat down on the bed, leaning comfortably against his older brother, snuggling his face into his shoulder. Kai noted briefly that his hair smelled like that sickly sweet children's shampoo Lloyd had for bath-time whenever he was small- the scent was supposed to be strawberries but really it was more like chemicals. Considering the implications of Lloyd having chosen to use his regression gear, he quickly came to the conclusion that Lloyd was most likely feeling unusually sensitive or soft today, or perhaps he was just teetering on regressing. Either way he made a mental note to watch his language
“What’s on your mind, hot head?”
“Lloyd.”
Kai sighed, the guilt weighed heavy on his chest. Lloyd's childhood was hard enough without them interfering and yet they had gone and made it worse! Sure, they warmed up eventually but no child would ever deserve to be treated the way the ninja had initially treated him. Even if they were young too, it didn’t excuse the fact that they had practically bullied a child for misbehaving.
Although it was illogical to hold himself to a higher standard than the other ninja, Kai still considered himself to be the most at fault. He had experience with kids, he had raised Nya and not once had he ever considered doing anything that horrible to her! The fact that he had laughed along while they took young Lloyd and hung him off a pole by his hood, while they /mocked/ him, made him want to either cry or throw up. It was disgusting and he had no excuse for how he had acted. It didn't matter if he had already apologised through actions, Lloyd needed a verbal apology, he needed confirmation that Kai knew how messed up what they did was.
“Back when we first met..” Kai felt his heart break as he saw Lloyd scowl a little at the memory “I was really cruel to you. I shouldn’t have acted that way, you were a child, you didn’t know any better.”
The words felt like sandpaper against his skin. Too little, Too late. He could never fix what he had done.
“Kai? What are you talking about? I stopped caring about that ages ago”
“I...I’m so sorry” The words were choked and painful, they sounded as if they had been torn from his throat through sheer will alone “I really messed up. I can’t stop thinking about it. You were just a kid”
If there even was a waver in his voice, he refused to acknowledge it, he couldn’t tear up, he couldn’t make this about him. FSM, it was so hard to pull himself together- the guilt was unbearable, knowing how much he must have hurt his baby brother felt like a punch in the gut. All he wanted was to keep Lloyd safe but in the process he had become one of his first bullies.
Grasping his chin between the palm of his hands, Lloyd turned his face to look him in the eyes- the action proving to be too much for the man who’s tears began to unapologetically cascade down his cheeks. If you asked, he’d say that he wouldn’t consider this crying- sure there were tears but there were no sobs, no whimpers, no cries, he was simply weeping for the death of Lloyd’s childhood, something they couldn’t give back to him no matter how hard they tried.
“We hung you up on that Pole. No child deserves to be treated like that”
By now, Kai had scooped the boy up in his arms and was littering familial kisses and pecks anywhere he could reach really. Usually Kai wasn’t as physically affectionate- his love language was most certainly touch but he tended to let other people initiate it first, having lived alone with Nya (who had very clear limits on how much affection she liked) for so long, he had just got into the habit of waiting for the other person to let him know they wanted it. That being said, he was emotional right now and Lloyd had never turned down hugs and kisses.
“You’re my baby brother and I was so so mean to you. You were just a kid, you are just a kid! I just need you to know I’m sorry, I can't stop thinking about how we- how I treated you.”
It seemed as though bringing up his childhood had made Lloyd a little emotional as well; Kai couldn’t blame him honestly. It was an overall bad experience and if he could go back and let Lloyd grow up all over again he’d do that in a heartbeat. Sniffling a little, Lloyd crawled into Kai’s lap, effectively closing the gap between them and snuggling as close as he possibly could.
It was no wonder the team always teased them for being clingy.
Dismissing the thought, he was quick to wrap his arms around the kid and pull him closer, resting his chin on top of Lloyd's head so his baby brother was snuggled up tightly.
“Don’ gotta be sorry Kai”
Lloyd had murmured, thumb dangerously close to slipping between his lips as he busied one hand with playing with Kai’s hair (usually this would be put to a stop fairly quickly but he was about to shower anyway so he didn't mind if the kid messed it up a little.) It was painfully obvious just how right Kai had been about him being teetering on a younger headspace, he just knew his little bro so well.
“Was a meanie too. Stealed all the peoples candies''
Kai’s heart just about shattered from hearing that.. Had Lloyd really been blaming himself all this time? The poor child had really thought he deserved that treatment…
Pulling Lloyd as tight as he could, Kai ran his fingers rhythmically through his blonde hair, still soggy from his shower.
“You never deserved that, greenie. I stole when I was a kid too, we were in similar situations for a little while, y’know? Nobody ever hurt me like that though. You shouldn’t have even been in a situation where you had to steal to eat in the first place”
A heavy sigh ran through his lips as he felt his brother slowly starting to relax again. The trembling of his shoulders was far easier fixed than the boy freezing up.
“None of it was your fault, You got dealt a really bad hand and your situation was horrible. It wasn’t your fault. The adults in your life failed you and while I can't talk for them, I can talk for myself. Lloyd, I am so so incredibly sorry for how I treated you. I love you so much.”
“Kai..”
Wriggling around a little, he moved so that his arms were wrapped around his big brother’s chest, smaller body still shaking a little under the stress. It was okay though, all the bad was gone, he was safe, his caregiver was here to protect him! He didn’t need to worry about anything because he had the best big brother in the world.
“Love you. Not angry. Know you’re not like that no more”
Feeling the blonde nuzzling his face into his collarbone, he gently pat his back, tracing little shapes as he whispered little stories and poems to help calm the boy down- another habit stemming from his time raising Nya.
“Maybe we get your baby stuff out now, Green Machine, I feel like we have a tiny boy on our hands”
Kai sighed contentedly, he’d just have to take his turn in the shower tomorrow because there was absolutely no way he was going to be leaving Lloyd to take care of himself on his own.