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weakness.
i wasn't weak. i couldn't afford to be weak.
vulnerability in the abyss got you killed. shedding tears around your master got you killed. hesitation got you killed.
i was fourteen the last time i showed weakness around others.
crying wasn't an option. it never was.
the tsaritsa would sneer. skirk would haul me up, hold me by the face and spit in my face.
i don't remember the last time someone showed genuine kindness to me.
zhongli-xiangsheng's kindness was simply material. he used me.
signora hated me. every single one of my fellow harbingers hated me.
i was simply a troubled child, someone to be looked down upon.
my hands curl into my hair. i can't break. i can't cry, i can't do this.
why do i have to hurt? why can't i not care, why can't i not feel anything? why do i have to be like this?
why me? why, why? what did i do to deserve this?
i should've stayed home that day. i could've lived normally. i could've kept my parent's love. i could've never been sent to the fatui.
it hurts so much. i can't cry, i can't, i don't want to, i can't. i'll get laughed at, i'll get told to get it together, i'll be treated like a ruined child. i can't do that. i can't show them that i'm human.
they spill from my eyes. i want to claw my heart out and scream, hold it between my fingers and watch it beat miserably.
i want to watch myself die here and now.
click.
no. no, no, no, no, no one can see me like this.
no one. i can't, i can't let them see me like this. i can't let them know. they can't know.
"ajax?"
i scream. my fingers curl into my hair and pull. i hope i ripped some out.
the voice was so impossibly tender. if i was a fool, i'd even say it was concerned. worried. caring.
i hear footsteps approach gently.
go. go away, please, please, please. don't touch me, don't look at me. leave me alone. please.don't go. stay. hold me. please.
i feel his warm hand on my own. it pulls my fingers from my hair, quelling their shaking. i gulp air desperately, refusing to open my eyes.
i can't look at him. i'm so humiliated. i feel so ashamed.
"ajax."
i can't do it.
"you're alright. you're safe."
but i'm not. how could he tell me i'm safe when i'm not?
i want to be.
i can't be.
"ajax, please look at me."
his hand cups my cheek. i finally look up.
diluc's eyes twinkled. i wail.
they were safe. secure, warm.
diluc's lips spread into a small smile. i reach out to hold his face, running my thumbs over his skin. my fingers rub over his stubble, over the rough skin of his cheeks.
i can't stop crying. he doesn't sneer. he doesn't laugh, he doesn't leave.
a silent plea is held in my eyes. he understands.
his hands pull me into his lap. he tucks my head under his chin, enveloping me in his arms.
safety floods my senses. i completely break.
i scream against his chest. his grip tightens around me.
i know this hurts him. i know it does. that's why i hate being like this around him. i know it places a burden on his already heavy heart.
i wanted to be strong for him. so he wouldn't worry. so that when i disappear, he won't worry.
"you're choking. breathe."
his palm rests on my back.
"match my breathing."
its hard. doesn't he know its hard? i can't do it. i can't.
his chest moves steadily under my cheek. his finger traces my spine rhythmically with his breath.
despite myself, my lungs cooperate.
"there we go."
he holds me so tenderly. how? how does he do it, how can he love me like i'm the most precious thing in the world, how can he love me knowing what i have done? i can't even love myself.
how can he kiss the hands that stain with blood? how can he hold the face that was the last thing so many people saw?
how can he look at this pathetic display and still love me?
"diluc."
i speak his name like a prayer. i hold onto his shirt like a child. he simply hums, carding his fingers through my hair.
"i'm sorry."
"you don't need to apologize for being human."
i slam my fist weakly against his chest.
"being human almost got me killed."
"you're not in the abyss anymore."
"it follows me everywhere."
"not here. ajax, you're safe."
safe. was i?
diluc holds me tighter.
"the abyss won't hurt you here. i can promise you that."
... would i be a fool to believe him? would i be a fool to believe in his empty words?
they didn't sound empty.
"don't let me fall, diluc. please. not again."
"i won't. i won't let you fall."
i wrap my arms around his waist. he curls his gentle fingers into my hair.
the abyss still gnawed at my bones, dug its claws into my skin and dragged, desperate for my flesh.
diluc gripped me tighter, refusing to let go. refusing to let me drown again.
he let me be vulnerable. he let me let go. he let me feel safe and small again.
for that i am ever grateful.
he let me do what i let him do.
he lets me be human again.