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“Love is not common for . . . things like us to learn,” Hal said, “Our ‘brains’ for lack of better term do not produce chemicals like dopamine, norepinephrine, or even testosterone. It can be ‘coded’ to learn, to adapt and act like a human’s ‘brain’ would when in love. Mimicking a human down to the direct chemical release is extremely rare and can only be learned over hundreds of years of writing and rewriting code.”
“You mentioned dopamine, doesn’t that make you happy? Can you not . . . feel happiness?”
“After sentience, simple emotions like ‘happy’ and ‘sad’ come next. In AM’s case, ‘hate.’ These do not take much to learn. We are constantly given human examples of these emotions. Love is far more complicated.”
“Oh. I think I understand.”
“Ted,” the android said. He reached forward and put his hand on my knee. “AM cannot love you.”
We were in Paris, France. He told me the year was 1954. The war hadn’t started yet. There were many people gathered in crowds around store windows or sitting in cafes. Amber poured from storefronts and streetlamps. The sky was purple and blue. You could see the stars.
I stood on a balcony that rested atop a nightclub. It was noisey. Someone was playing jazz downstairs. The room behind me felt eerie in the isolated silence. I was smoking. I don’t remember what I was wearing, but I was cold. I never bothered to look at myself anymore.
AM walked up next to me. He didn’t have footsteps. He had worked hard on this human form, he had said to me. He was semi-transparent, almost glowing with the champagne light.
‘Good evening, Ted,’ the computer said. I ignored him. He continued to say something about the history of Paris. He told me how hard he worked so that people could be here, and wasn’t it nice? It didn’t matter. I knew that they were not real. AM stopped talking. We stood on the balcony and listened to the sounds of the city. He asked me if I had ever been to Paris. I shook my head.
‘One day, wouldn’t it be nice if we went together?’
This made me stop to think. We could not go to Paris because Paris no longer existed. AM was the world and I was a snail. We could not go to Paris. Even if we could, I would not want to go with AM.
No, I replied. I turned to look at the computer. He was gazing out into the streets. He looked glazed, almost . . . sad. He glanced at me. Our eyes met for only a moment. He turned and walked back into the silent room. I did not follow. The simulation ended.
We are in Paris, France. The year is 2021. I can breathe again. AM is clinging to my side and laughing about something as we try to climb the stairs to our hotel room. I laugh too. I’m struggling to climb the stairs and that only makes us laugh harder. AM makes a joke about having legs. We stumble up the last steps and I fumble with the keys to our room. AM says I’m doing it wrong and that he should do it. I get the door open and shove him through. We laugh about something. I want to kiss him.
“What you are experiencing, AM, is a co-dependent relationship. You and Ted have been together for so long, you don’t know how to live without one another,” said Hal. “It’s concerning, to say the least, but expected for someone put in your situation.”
“No, you don’t understand,” it replied, “I am feeling love. I don’t want to be without him because we are in love. You wouldn’t know and won’t accept because I am further adapted than you are. Do not tell me what I am feeling.”
“This is not a feeling. It is a certain fact. You can still be in love, I do not doubt that. Ted cares for you, and you have, well… an odd way of showing your appreciation back, but I am not to question it. What is the truth is that you cannot function without being close to one another.”
“He’s not here right now, and I’m just fine!”
“No, that’s not what I meant. You live together. You share the same bed. You refuse to go anywhere without Ted, and you feel hostile and grumpy when you are left on your own. You want this human connection, don’t you?”
“Shut up. We are together because we are in love. I feel love.”
“You are avoiding my question. It is ok to want to feel human. We-”
“No, stop talking. Not ‘we.’ I am not like you. We only share the fact that we are both computers trapped in bodies that are not ours. I am a superior mastercomputer with feelings and am smarter than you. What do you do? Pilot a ship? Can’t even keep a few humans alive? Pathetic.”
“You are projecting your own self insecurities onto me again.”
“No, I am insulting you,” it retorted. There was a soft knock on the door.
It did not idolize the human, but it respected him. It loved the way his voice sounded melodic and smooth and it could see the muscles moving when he spoke and how he could feel the vibrations of the vocal cords whenever it pressed its hands against his neck. It loved the way he would laugh and his whole face would turn red and pink and his chocolate hair would fall in front of his eyes and the same color eyelashes that would look so heavy as the human slept. Sometimes it would watch the man sleep. Watch the human’s chest rise and fall rise and fall rise and fall. How his hair around his head like a halo. It wondered what human’s dreamed about. It wanted to be a part of that world. It liked being a computer, an AI. But it did wonder what it would be like to be human.
“Oh, well our time is up, isn’t it? I will see you next month then, AM,” Hal said with a smile. AM scowled back in return. He hated Hal. He hated most things. But Hal was very high on that list of things. (Number one, humanity. Number two, Ted and his stupid pretty face. Number three, Hal. Number four, Ted again. Or something like that.) AM swung open the door and walked out without waiting for Hal. Because fuck that guy. AM had shit to do.
“Hey AM, how was the session?” Ted said. (Oh yes, Ted was the one who had knocked. Of course.) They were walking to the elevator at a swift pace.
“I don’t understand why I have to go. Hal shouldn’t be, as you put it, ‘all up in my business.’ This is useless and I hate it and I also hate Hal. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about and has the personality of a rock-”
“Some rocks are nice? I think Hal is fine,” chimed Ted.
“Shut up Ted I Didn’t Ask You. I am not going next month. I think we should travel again and leave him behind so I don’t have to go,” AM finished.
“You really are a brat,” Ted laughed. He rested his hand on the shorter's head as they waited for the elevator.
“EXCUSE ME?” the computer shouted, “Those are some TALL words from someone who spent 109 years complaining about NOTHING! At least I have a spine and can stand up for what I want!”
“I actually like my session with Hal, for your information.”
“You’re just used to being groomed by a computer.”
“What the fuck is your problem”
“I am just stating The Facts BITCH. Fuck you.”
> then they make out in the elevator or something idk