Work Text:
Never be so kind, you forget to be clever
Never be so clever, you forget to be kind
Never be so polite, you forget your power
Never wield such power, you forget to be polite
Tobio had spent the better part of his life alone. Alone in his room, alone in his house, and alone on the volleyball court. At a certain point in time, the never ending silence actually became companionable. He was used to the silent nights, the empty rooms, and echoing corridors that the ones he loved once walked.
No more.
Most nights the only sound echoing from his spacious house was the rhythmic sound of the volleyball he was setting above his head while laying down. He was hyper aware of the way each finger felt when gravity brought the ball back to him. Most nights he would count how many sets he could do, just to distract himself from the ever present loneliness lurking in the back of his mind.
Up.
Down.
Up.
Down.
Up.
Down.
Over and over until he had trouble keeping his eyes open. Until he couldn't think and think and think anymore.
Tobio remembers a time when things weren't like this. When his parents were home, and his sister would barge into his room and call him grumpy and cute and they would spend the day together, just because. Before Kazuyo-san had left them.
Left him.
When he died, it wasn't unexpected. His family knew he was unwell and only getting worse. But none of them were prepared for the hole he would leave behind. A hole no one seemed to be able to fill or mend. There was a rift forming between them all. Parents and children and siblings all being torn in different directions, but no one knowing how to fix the gap that grew wider as each day passed.
Kazuyo would be ashamed. If he saw what remained of his family, he would be disappointed in all of them. How did they go from a lively house full of people who loved each other, who actively sought each other out and talked, and ate breakfast, and smiled, and laughed, and said "I love you."
How did they end up here?
When Kazuyo died, he took his family with him. All at once, nobody knew how to live, how to act, how to keep on going. Things were never the same, and the gaps between them all grew and grew and grew and now all Tobio can do is watch from the other side of the canyon and wish for the family that once was.
His parents all but through themselves into their jobs. Long stays in foreign countries, brief texts alerting Tobio of money being transferre into his bank account. Messages that read, "Be good. If you need anything call."
"I need you," Tobio used whisper to the white walls of his bedroom. Wishing that he could reach out and talk to his parents, or to Miwa. He wished he could talk to someone who actually felt liek they would give a damn about the boy that cried himself to sleep more often than not. And God did he wish he could talk to Kazuyo again.
Miwa was hesitant to leave her brother behind, Tobio knew this, but she did have a life to live. She needed to go to university, and find out who she was and what she was doing. She didn't like the idea of leaving Tobio to fend for himself, but he was not hers to raise he didn't need to say the one thing Tobio already knew: She needed to get away. She needed an escape from the deafening sadness and the constant reminder that he was never coming back and the life they once knew was over.
She needed out.
Tobio remembers standing in the doorway with her, the last of her bags backed and zipped away. Tobio couldn't fathom how her whole life fit in so few bags.
She had hugged him tight and kissed his forehead before telling him to be good and that he would be okay.
He remembers biting his cheek so hard that the metallic taste of blood covered his tongue. He wouldn't cry in front of her, wouldn't hinder her leaving. At 13 he knew that tears wouldn't stop someone from leaving.
He didn't say that be wouldn't be okay. It felt like he would never be okay again. Nothing would be.
The door clicked shut and from that moment the silence really started. And for a long time, it never went away.
Tobio was alone.
---
Looking back on that time now, Tobio can see what losing Kazuyo did to his family. They were never quite right after that. He and Miwa were able to mend their relationship, and now at 25, he knows he has a sister who would drop everything to help him and vise versa. It took a lot of time, a lot of talks, and a lot of tears. Something that didn't come easily to either of the Kageyama siblings. Too proud to admit defeat or ask for help.
But they worked things out, they grew and learned that grief does terribly cruel things to people. Can break them in ways that you don't expect. Sometimes people are a lot like glass and when you shatter, you don't break even. Jagged pieces never fit quite right again. But with time, and patience, and a steady hand, you can place the fractured pieces back together and start to feel some semblance of whole. You may still have cracks and chips, but you learn to deal with damage.
Thats what Tobio and Miwa did. They talked and healed and helped each other pick up the broken pieces. They both also had help along the way. Both had friends and chosen family who helped them move on, and talk, and feel the things that had been weighing down on their shoulders. They were allowed to grieve and feel the emotions that they had kept locked up behind clenched teeth for far too long.
Tobio knows who has to thank for the majority of his breakthroughs. Knows that one person looked at him and was able to see past the prickly, mean, and generally sad boy that he saw. He was able to pick him apart and expose the parts that Tobio had tried so hard to cover up with crass and spite and attitude.
Sure, there were other people who helped him as well. He has many people and many friends to thank, but Shouyou was the one who fought and clawed to tear away at the bricks of Tobio's walls.
Shouyou was the one who laughed, and fought, and cried with Tobio through everything. He knew Tobio was an asshole and put up with him anyway. He learned why Tobio was the way he was and gave him the tools to do better. To be better.
Tobio knew that he owed alot to the bright ball of sunshine that infiltrated his life one twinkling laugh after the other.
In the past, he knew Kazuyo-san would have been disappointed, but now, he hopes that he can look down on what remains and be proud of his grandson. Sure, some things are still a little broken, and maybe they would never be fixed, but he hopes he looks down and smiles at what Tobio has created for himself. At the legacy he will leave behind. It's not the life Tobio expected to have, but it is the life he loves.
He has his family, his boyfriend, and the knowledge Kazuyo bestowed upon him. It felt like the earth had shattered when he passed and Tobio wasn't sure if he would ever recover. He wished he would have asked more questions, asked for more stories, asked him how to be, how to exist in a world where he wasn't in it.
Tobio knows better now. He knows that Kazuyo is still around. He still hears his voice in his head, and knows that Kazuyo is still with him. Just because he died, doesn't mean his lessons, and his presence died with him.
Tobio knows he's still around.
If I didn't know better
I'd think you were still around
I know better
But I still feel you all around
I know better
But you're still around