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Everyone was quiet when they arrived at the station. The only sounds at the moment were the coming from the doors of the engine and ladder as the firefighters exited the vehicles.
All the first responders were poker faced, trying to not show whatever they were feeling, trying to not jinx it with a bad thought, as they stared at the floor to avoid eye contact with any of their brothers or sisters –well, only one sister at the moment.
It was the captain’s voice that broke the silence.
“Today has been… rough… to say the least, and the shift is not even halfway over.” Beckett started as he removed his helmet from his head. Everyone was surprised to find out the captain did have a voice tone that didn’t show condescendence or mockery. He was very somber. “However, you all heard chief McCallister, you can have the rest of the day off. I’m gonna call B-shift, you can all go after they arrive, just put your gear away.”
Everyone nodded and a few whispered a chorus of quiet “Yes, captain,” at his direction before starting to walk towards the turnout room.
Beckett was turning around to head to his office but changed his mind at the last minute to talk to the team again. “Someone, please, get me an update on Hughes, Miller and Aquino.”
“I’ll go to the hospital.” Travis was the first to speak, pushing his jacket and helmet in Maya’s hands for her to grab.
“Thanks, Montgomery.” Beckett said, finally exiting the barn.
Travis turned to look at Maya for a second to nod at her, the blonde nodding back, before taking off, still in his turnout pants, and run all the way to the hospital.
The lieutenant stared at his back as he ran away until he was out of her sight. She released the breath she didn’t realize she was holding and entered the turnout room where all the others were already cleaning their gear.
She placed Travis’ stuff on his area first, his jacket and helmet were clean since he had been on triage the whole time and hadn’t even worn them for long or near any debris.
Unlike Travis, Maya had helped with the evac and to close the gas valve, so her gear wasn’t just dusty, it was also a little bit wet. It was gonna take some time to get it all clean.
The Olympian placed her helmet on its place and started to take off her jacket when she felt someone approaching her.
“You should go to the hospital.” The owner of a very deep voice said.
Maya turned around and tilted her chin up a little to look at the man in the eyes, necessary thanks to their very prominent height difference. “I have to get this cleaned first and then wait for B-shift, you heard Beckett.” She replied as she slid her arms out of the fireproof clothes.
“Don’t worry about Beckett, I’ll cover for you.” Sullivan grabbed Maya’s jacket from her hands. “And I’ll clean this up. Go support your family.”
The woman observed the former Marine’s expression for a moment. He was serious, as always, but she could also see a hint of sadness and dread in his eyes. “Aren’t they our family?” She countered because, even if he had stabbed her in the back, she followed the code and every firefighter was part of her family, including him. Robert might not be her favorite person but she would worry –just a little bit– if something happened to him.
The tall man refrained from scoffing, chosing to shake his head instead. “They are. But I won’t pretend my relationship with them is as important as yours.”
Maya nodded slowly and then looked down as she pushed the suspenders off her shoulders. “Thank you.”
“We’re good.” Was his only answer as he backed away slightly, Maya’s jacket still on his hands.
The lieutenant didn’t say anything further, she just stepped out of her turnout pants and shoved her feet into her normal boots before turning around and leaving the room at a fast pace. She ran up the stairs, going up two at a time, to go to her locker and grab her phone, deciding to slide down the pole on her way out to avoid Beckett’s office as she exited the station.
Once outside, she ran the three blocks to the hospital, but she didn’t do it at her fastest because, deep down, she was afraid to find out something she didn’t want to. She wanted to remain ignorant for a little bit longer.
She debated with herself wether she should enter through the ER or through the main entrance of the hospital, the last option winning ultimately… she didn’t want to waltz into the ER to see her friends coding on an trauma room.
Maya entered the hospital and made her way to the lounge on the third floor –that place she and her team had visited way too many times for her liking as they waited for news after someone got injured– where she suspected she would find either Warren, Gibson or Montgomery, and if she didn’t, she would ask someone in the nurses’ station.
She immediately spotted Jack sitting on one of the chairs in the lounge, back curved, forearms resting on his thighs, head hanging between his shoulders. She rushed to his side, crouching in front of him to try to meet his gaze.
“Jack.” Maya started, lifting a hand to squeeze his shoulder. She felt him tense under her touch. “Jack, how’s Vic? And Miller? Are they okay?”
Jack clenched his jaw and squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to look at the woman.
“Jack,” she insisted, “answer me, please.” She managed to keep her voice from trembling even if she was scared by Jack’s silence.
The man opened his eyes but his jaw was still tense and his hands had closed into fists. “Hughie is okay, she has some electrical burns and her heart seems okay but they’re gonna keep monitoring her.” He repeated what Bailey had told him and Ben after they wheeled Dean’s body in, still not looking at Maya, oblivious to the fact that in that very moment Travis was about to tell Vic the dreadful news.
The Olympian sighed in relief. “That’s good, she’s okay.” She nodded slightly, the corner of her lip quirking up. “What about Dean? Are the doctors still working on him?”
Jack’s face contorted in pain at the mention of his best friend, his fists shaking by how hard he was clenching them.
Maya understood his body language right away but that didn’t mean she wanted to believe it. “No.” She shook his head. “No, he’s not…” She could feel the tears gathering in the corner of her eyes, ready to roll down her pale cheeks. “Tell me he’s okay.”
The male lieutenant shook his head furiously, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes and almost clawing at his forehead. “I can’t… I couldn’t…” He choked on his own words. “I couldn’t save him, Maya. I…” He took a sharp breath.
The blonde finally lost the battle against her own tears when she closed her eyes, dropping her chin so it almost touched her chest.
“He’s gone... I couldn’t save him.” Jack shakily repeated, his hands going to the back of his neck, digging his nails on the skin as he lowered his head.
Maya, on the other hand, looked up to see her friend again. His whole body was shaking, his skin was pale and his voice was raw. She couldn’t even beging to imagine what Gibson was feeling at the moment. Sure, they all have lost people on the job, Miller was not the first or last firefighter to die on the line of duty but he was definitely the hardest loss so far for 19.
Ripley’s dead had, for some reason, affected her more than she thought it would but it still hadn’t been that hard. Before the skyscraper fire, she just saw the chief as her boss, someone you respect, of course, but their relationship was strictly professional. She valued his insight, his opinion, and when he told her she would make a fine lieutenant and eventually a captain, she felt so proud of herself, even if she had to tone it down for Andy. Then, after the skyscraper, he had acted as interim captain until Sullivan arrived and the relationship grew with the whole team. They trusted his orders on every call, they learned with him, but the chief also learned that 19 was willing to bend the rules to keep the team safe and, he wouldn’t say it but, it made him happy, to see such a great team. And suddenly he died. He walked out of that fire a dead man and no one knew. It was hard, harder when they found out about his relationship with Vic. Maya had cried the day of his funeral even if she kept denying it because she didn’t think she had with the right to feel that way because Ripley was just a boss to her, she didn’t want to take away from Vic’s true pain. But at the end, she gave in, she cried and felt sad, just as everyone in 19, everyone in the entire SFD. And then, they kept going.
When Rigo had died, Maya felt guilty for putting him and Jack together but, ultimately, his death didn’t affect her. He was part of the station, sure, but he was from B-shift, they weren’t close. Had the incident not happen, Rigo would have gone back to his regular shift and A-shift would not see him other than in passing. They all had gone to his funeral, of course, but they let his true friends grieve him and, after that, it was over. No tears, no reminiscence of old time, just… a few weeks of wearing the black band around their badges and that was it.
Then, Pruitt died, heroically so. And because of the way he died, saving everyone, it was hard to wish he hadn’t done it. Besides, he was already dying. They all knew. They were somewhat prepared for losing him –well, except for Andy but that’s understandable. Maya felt Pruitt’s death deep in her bones because, while she was incredibly grateful for his sacrifice, she could not ignore the small thought that she helped him die by placing that ladder into position and that’s something that would always be with her. A decision she made that saved her team but got her hero killed. And yet, she had moved on. Everyone had, even Andy.
But now, with Miller… one can’t say it’s unexpected. Anyone of them could die every time they’re on shift. But that doesn’t make it less shocking. Station 19 is the best in the city for a reason: they love the job and they’re great at doing it. They’re careful, they’re thorough, they’re strong, they’re fast and they’re brave. The perfect team. And Miller was an important part of the team. He was as important to every member of 19 as blood family or more important even. But for Jack, that was multiplied tenfold. He and Dean went back to their academy days, almost 10 years ago. They didn’t start with the right foot but once they solved their problems, they became inseparable. Of course they had had ups and downs but, what friendship doesn’t? Dean was Jack’s Andy and Maya didn’t know what she’d do or how she’d feel if her best friend in the world died.
The blonde stood up from her crouched position and wrapped her fingers around Jack’s wrists. “Stand up.”
The male lieutenant jerked away from Maya, trying to free himself from her grasp but the Olympian was not a quitter.
“Jack, stand up, please.” She asked again, gently pulling him up by his suspenders. He fought it at first but quickly gave in, letting the woman pull him to his feet.
Even as the man looked away, the Olympian could see his eyes were red and well as his cheeks from crying. “What?” He barked and then sniffled, crossing his arms over his chest as if to shield himself.
The woman cupped Gibson’s cheeks to make him look at her. “It’s not your fault.” She wiped away a new tear traveling down his face. “You and Ben did everything you could. Sometimes we just…” The knot in her throat stopped her for a second, her forehead puckered and her lips frowned. “We can’t save everyone. And it’s no one’s fault.”
Jack’s eyes shut making more tears escape them. Maya immediately pulled him into a hug, wrapping her arms around his neck. The man, in return, slid his arms around his friend’s waist and dipped his head to bury his face into her neck as he started sobbing. The blonde could only hold him tighter, resting her cheek on his shoulder as more tears silently rolled down her face.
They remained like that for several moments, minutes even. Jack crying, face hidden onto Maya’s shoulder and neck and the blonde doing the same but quietly to allow Jack to have his feelings. He never liked being vulnerable –neither did Maya– but she knew he needed to get it all out in order to get through it. Jack bottling up his feelings was bad not just for him but for the entire team and they could not handle another loss.
Finally, Jack let go of Maya, using his shoulder to get some tears off his face before rubbing his nose with the back of his hand. She backed away two steps, not without giving Jack’s other hand a squeeze before releasing it.
Neither said anything else, they just sat next to each other on the lounge still processing the news.
Then, Maya pulled out her phone for a moment to text Carina where she was, hoping her wife was already at the hospital with her patient.
“Where are Travis and Ben? Are they with Vic?” The female lieutenant turned her face slightly towards Jack and asked as, after some time, the waiting area started to fill with firefighters. Some were from station 88 who had aided them in the fire, losing one of their own, too. Maya recognized a few more firefighters of other stations in civilian clothing. Station 23 was not there yet but she assumed they were in the same situation as 19, waiting for the other shift before going to support their captain.
“Last time I saw Ben was when we arrived and I haven’t seen Montgomery at all.” The man replied, still looking at his feet, not wanting to meet anyone’s gaze.
“I’ll ask about Vic.” Maya commented, standing up and patting Jack on the shoulder once before approaching the nurses’ station. She wiped the tears away from her cheeks and cleared her throat. “Excuse me, could I have an update on Victoria Hughes?”
The nurse looked up from the computer, stopping for a second to look at Maya’s uniform and to all the people behind her. Everyone in the hospital had heard about the burst pipe line and that a few firefighters were injured. “Of course, just give me a moment, please.” The nurse said as she quickly typed the name on the system.
The firefighter nodded, folding her arms over her chest.
“Victoria Hughes, she’s being transferred into the CCU by Dr. Altman’s orders. She’s presenting some arrhythmias so Dr. Altman wants to keep a close eye on her.” The nurse said, giving Maya a tight smile.
The lieutenant mimicked the nurse’s smile and tapped the desk gently. “Thank you.” She let lout a sigh of relief, remembering all the good things Carina always said about Teddy.
She was turning around to return to her seat when she spotted her wife going down the stairs with a worried expression on her face. The blonde moved closer to the steps and immediately wrapped her arms around Carina’s middle when she reached the bottom, the doctor hugged her by the neck in return.
The embrace didn’t last long as Carina pulled away, cradling Maya’s face between her hands, making the firefighter slide her hands back to the doctor’s hips. “I’m sorry I took this long to come here, my patient’s BP didn’t go down and I had to stay with her until it did.” She explained, brushing a stand of hair behind Maya’s ear. The blonde’s pain was visible still under the collected mask she wore, Carina had noticed since she first saw her by the nurses’ station, but now up close, the Italian felt like a fist wrapped around her heart. She didn’t want to ask, fearing the worse, but she had to. “How’s everyone? I didn’t get the change to ask anyone here.” Her voice was low as she gazed into those blue eyes she loved so much, the same ones surrounded by redness at the moment.
The firefighter’s facade broke down in a second, her features twisting in grief. “Vic’s okay but Dean…” she trapped her bottom lip between her teeth as she looked down, shaking her head. “He didn’t… he didn’t make it.”
“Oh, bambina…” The brunette pressed her forehead onto Maya’s own. “I’m so sorry.” Her hands drifted lower, sliding underneath her wife’s arms to hug her tightly against her as the blonde started crying again.
Carina would be lying if she said she was holding Maya that tight only for her sake, to show her she was there to support her. Carina was also doing it for herself. She hadn’t been lying when she told Emmett she was terrified all the time. Back on the scene when the second explosion happened, the Italian felt her heart drop to her stomach, immediately thinking about her wife. Was Maya okay? Where was she? Did someone get hurt? Was Maya injured? And she wouldn’t admit it to anyone, not even Maya, but when she saw two gurneys, one being pushed by the blonde herself, Carina felt so incredibly relieved, even as she realized Miller was on one of those gurneys. She liked him a lot and of course the fact that someone, anyone, from 19 had gotten injured was terrible –not even mentioning his daughter–, but knowing Maya was alive and uninjured was the greatest feeling ever.
And feeling the way the blonde’s shoulders shook as she sobbed onto her chest, clinging to her with everything she had, Carina wanted to keep her wife between her arms, protected from any harm, forever. She didn’t want to let go of her.
But eventually she did.
“Do you want to go somewhere else?” The Italian asked in a whisper, gently wiping a tear from Maya’s cheek and holding back hers.
The lieutenant let out a shaky breath, shifting her eyes between Carina and the firefighters sitting vigil, especially Jack, and back to Carina. “Do you mind if we stay here?” She dug her fingers on the doctor’s hips, her brain starting to register the way she was dressed with a hoodie and leggings.
“Whatever you need.” The Italian replied, pressing a kiss on the corner of Maya’s lips.
The lieutenant nodded, giving the brunette a shaky smile before grabbing her hand and pulling her towards the seat she was occupying previously next to Jack.
Hearing steps, Jack looked up slightly and gave Carina an acknowledging nod before looking down again once the woman did the same. The doctor felt really bad for him, knowing how close he was with Dean and even more now that they had started to talk regularly.
Maya took a seat on the gray chair next to Jack, Carina on the other one, leaving the blonde in the middle. The brunette wrapped an arm around the firefighter’s shoulders, not caring about the hand rest between them, and pressed her temple to Maya’s.
It wasn’t long until some guys from station 23 finally showed up. Maya instantly recognized the annoying lieutenant Andy always complained about, Maddox, as he and another firefighter approached the nurses’ station to ask about their captain. When they turned around to take a seat, Maya stood up to talk to them.
“How’s your captain?” She asked as she shoved her hands in her pockets.
“He’s in the ICU. He has many internal injuries besides the burns so we can’t see him right away.” Maddox answered.
“The nurse told us we could visit later so we’re gonna wait a bit.” The other firefighters, Barnes if Maya remembered correctly, added.
“We heard about Miller through Ruiz. Herrera told him. We’re sorry.” Maddox spoke again.
Maya nodded with a sigh. “Thanks. Uh, do you know where they are? They’re here?”
“Yeah, we dropped Herrera here on the way to the station and Ruiz left after checking some stuff the captain usually does.”
“They must be with Vic then.” The blonde muttered, mostly to herself. “Thank you, guys. I hope everything goes well with captain Aquino.”
“Same for Hughes.”
Maya gave the pair a tight smile before turning to face Carina and Jack.
“Do you think we can go see Vic at the CCU?” The Olympian asked Carina.
The Italian grabbed Maya’s hands and squeezed them as she stood up. “Of course we can.”
The younger woman let go of one of her wife’s hands and reached out for Jack. “Let’s go, Jack.”
The man didn’t react right away but he eventually nodded and slowly got up. Maya started walking, pulling Carina by the hand but stopped when she noticed Jack wasn’t following them. She shared a look with Carina before the brunette wrapped her fingers around Jack’s bicep and pulled him along. The three of them walked to the CCU at a steady pace.
When they arrived, they saw Theo and Travis inside the room, Vic sleeping on the bed, hooked to some heart monitors which showed she was doing good so far. Travis looked away from the unconscious woman for a moment and spotted his friends outside the room. He tapped Theo on the shoulder and gestured at the firefighters and the doctor outside with a head gesture, getting a nod from the other man in return. Then, Travis slid the door of the room open and approached his friends.
Without a word, he placed a hand on Jack’s shoulder and his other on Maya’s and, with Carina right in front of Travis, they all hugged. The group hug lasted several moments and then they pulled away, Maya and Carina still holding hands.
“Did you tell her?” Maya asked, unconsciously squeezing the doctor’s hand tighter.
Travis nodded and folded his arms. “Yeah, I did. And then she went into V-fib and they had to shock her.” He said through his teeth.
Both lieutenants tensed.
“Oh, God, how is she? They told me Dr. Altman wanted to keep her under observation but I thought it was just a precaution.” The blonde rushed to say, trying to not sound too alarmed.
Travis waved a hand, breathing out to get rid of a bit of the stress he was carrying. “She’s gonna be okay. At least, physically she will but…” He shook his head, furrowing his brow. “I don’t think any of us is gonna be okay for a while.”
Jack lowered his gaze again. His tears had dried already and he didn’t want to start crying again.
The other man’s heart tightened inside his chest. He took a step and hugged Jack, rubbing his back, knowing he would also have a harder time than the rest.
Jack ended the hug a moment later and backed away. “I need a minute.” He mumbled before turning around.
They all looked with sad eyes as Jack disappeared on a corner.
“Where are Andy and Ben? I thought they’d be here.” The blonde asked, leaning against Carina’s shoulder.
“Andy went to get Pru from the daycare and Ben should be around here with Miranda.” Travis explained.
“What will happen to Pru?” The Italian wondered, her forehead creasing.
Travis sighed. “It’s still… I don’t know. I guess Ben and Miranda are gonna take her for the moment but I have no clue what Dean put in writing.”
Carina’s frown deepened. She knew what it was like to lose a parent but she also knew this was not the same. When her mamma had died, she was old enough to understand, to have memories of her and, most important, to get by on her own. And she still had her brother and father, even if she almost never saw Andrea and Vincenzo was difficult to say the least. She wasn’t alone. But Pru had no mom and now her dad was gone and she was too little to understand any of it.
“I’m sure Ben and Bailey will take really good care of her.” The doctor said with a tight liped smile.
Both Maya and Travis nodded.
“Do you wanna go in?” Travis asked, pointing at the room with his thumb over his shoulder.
“No, we’re good here. You and Theo have Vic and someone needs to make sure Gibson is okay too.” Maya stated, nodding at the direction Jack had gone.
“You’re right. He’s gonna need us too.” The man replied. “I’m gonna go back in.”
“Can you text me when she wakes up? We’re gonna stick around but I don’t wanna overwhelm her.” The Olympian said, thinking Vic didn’t need everyone staring at her while grieving.
“Of course, I’ll let you know as soon as it happens.” The firefighter slid the glass door open and went back inside.
“Let’s go find Jack.” Maya started pulling Carina but the brunette didn’t move from her spot. “Carina?”
“Can I have a moment with you first?” The Italian asked, looking at their joined hands and then at the blonde’s eyes.
“Yeah, okay.” The lieutenant softly answered and her wife started pulling her to the other direction, guiding her to an empty on call room and closing the door behind them.
Once inside, Carina hugged Maya again but for longer than before, burying her face in the place where Maya’s shoulder met her neck taking in the faint smell of sweat and smoke, not a millimeter between their bodies.
The firefighter hugged the Italian just as hard, closing her eyes and listening to the sound of her breaths.
“I’m sorry for scaring you.” She muttered onto Carina’s hair. She didn’t need her to say the words for her to know.
“Maya, don’t –” The brunette was going to say she didn’t need to apologize but the blonde interrupted her.
“I know you were scared. I know you are scared every day and I’m sorry for that, for making you go through that.” The firefighter continued. “I wish I could say I’ll be okay but… the fact is that I don’t know that.” She hugged her wife just a little tighter. “There are things even I can’t control but I’ll do my job as best as I can to come back to you… I promise you I will always try my hardest to return home.”
The older woman could feel her tears getting Maya’s shirt wet but she doubted she would care. She just wanted to hold her like that.
“I’m sorry about Dean.” Carina said after a while. She didn’t think it was fair for Maya to be comforting her when she was the one who had lost a friend, a brother. “I’m so sorry he’s gone, I’m…” Her voice cracked. “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”
Maya smiled and kissed the side of Carina’s head. “I know. Thank you.”
They pulled away and, for the hundredth time, they wiped the tears off their faces.
“Can we lay down for a moment?” Carina gestured at the bottom bunk bed.
The blonde grabbed the brunette’s hands and looked at them. “I think we should check on Jack.”
“And we will.” The doctor assured her. “Just ten minutes, please?” She was worried about Jack as well but she needed a moment to rest from the day they had had.
The corner of the firefighter’s lips quirked up slightly. “You can do a lot in ten minutes.”
Carina chuckled. “You know it.” She joked as she pulled her wife, sliding first into the bed and then guiding Maya to lie down next to her, spooning the smallest woman. “I love you, Maya.”
The blonde placed her hand on top of Carina’s as it rested on her stomach. “I love you, too. Never forget that.”
“Never.” She said, kissing the back of Maya’s neck.
.
.
.
And if, while on duty, I must answer death’s call, bless with your protective hand my family, one and all.