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Zoe was eight years old. Mama and Daddy weren't home. The babysitter was on the phone with her boyfriend, and Lucas was in the garage messing with Daddy's tools. Zoe was gonna mess with his things, too.
She climbed the stairs to the bedroom she was forbidden to enter. Her heart beat fast as she opened the door and peeked inside. She knew no one was home to get her in trouble, but the risk was such a thrill.
She climbed onto the big, soft bed and started jumping on it. She laughed and laughed, but she got bored rather quickly. She lay down on the bed and looked around the room for a new not-allowed activity to try. Maybe she could get into Mama's makeup. Or try on her shoes.
Zoe got up and opened up the wardrobe. She browsed through the various articles of clothing and slipped on some of Mama's cardigans, tossing each of them aside immediately. Then her eyes landed on one of Daddy's suit jackets. Cautiously, she pulled it off the hanger and put it on.
It was simple and black, not like the colors and patterns of Mama's cardigans. The sleeves were too long and the shoulders were too wide. As she stared at herself in the mirror, she felt something new deep within her chest. She looked so…
"There you are, Zoe! You're not supposed to be in here!"
The babysitter yanked the jacket off of her and started gathering clothes off the ground. "Why did you make a mess? Your parents are gonna be home any minute. I'm gonna be in so much trouble…"
Zoe helped her clean up. They were done and downstairs before Mama and Daddy came home. They pretended nothing ever happened.
Zoe was ten years old. She made a fuss every Saturday morning.
"Why does Lucas get to wear pants to temple? I don't want to wear my stupid dresses!"
"Girls wear dresses to temple, Zoe," said Mama as she brushed Zoe's hair. "That's just how it is."
Zoe crossed her arms and pouted.
After service, while Mama and Daddy were talking with the other grown-ups, Zoe went outside. She ran and played tag with the boys. She "accidentally" fell and mud splattered all over her dress. She went back inside so everyone could see what she'd done. Daddy laughed. Mama looked mortified.
Mama let her wear pants from then on.
Zoe was twelve years old. Her Bat Mitzvah was coming up. She had been studying so hard and she knew she was ready. She was so excited.
Today, Mama was taking her dress shopping. Zoe followed her numbly around the store.
"Don't you like this one, Zoe?" Mama held up a green dress; she knew it was Zoe's favorite color.
Zoe shrugged. "I guess."
They went to the dressing room to try it on. Mama helped her zip up the back and they looked in the mirror.
Zoe saw herself and burst into tears. She was so excited for her Bat Mitzvah. It would be ruined if she had to wear a dress.
Mama knelt down and took Zoe's hands in her own. "What's wrong, baby?"
Zoe tried to answer, but she could barely get a word out.
"You don't want to wear a dress?"
Zoe shook her head.
Mama hugged her. "It's okay, Zoe. If it means that much to you, you don't have to wear a dress."
Zoe was fourteen years old. There was a new girl at school. Her parents let her wear bright red lipstick, and all the girls were jealous. Zoe, too, felt jealous, but she didn't know why. She didn't want to wear lipstick.
At lunch, Ellen and the other rich girls invited the new girl to sit with them. Zoe told herself it didn’t matter, but for some reason it did.
Zoe had a class with her seventh period. She learned that the girl’s name was Olivia. Her last name started with an A, so she sat next to Zoe. Zoe was too shy to talk to her, and she didn't know why. Zoe was never shy. Luckily for her, Olivia struck up a conversation with her a week later.
“I went to your softball game last night. You’re really good, Zoe.”
Zoe was taken aback. “You went? Really?”
Olivia shrugged. “I like sports. Is that so hard to believe?”
It shouldn’t have been. "Thanks. I've been playing since I was eleven."
At Zoe's next game, she looked for Olivia in the stands. Olivia waved. Zoe waved back. When Zoe slid into home, she heard Olivia cheering her name, even louder than Daddy.
They talked in seventh period every day. Zoe found out that Olivia's dad was in the army, that she moved too much to have any friends, and that she wore lipstick because it got everyone's attention. Even though they talked a lot, Olivia never sat with Zoe at lunch. She still sat with Ellen.
One day, Olivia wasn’t at lunch. That was weird, because she’d been at her locker this morning. Zoe excused herself to go to the bathroom. Sure enough, there was Olivia, putting on makeup at the sink. Olivia made eye contact with Zoe in the mirror.
“Hiding from Ellen?” asked Zoe.
“Yup.”
“Why do you sit with her if you don’t like her?”
Olivia shrugged. She puckered her lips at the mirror and pulled out her lipstick. Zoe couldn’t stop staring.
“My softball team’s having an end-of-season party at my house this weekend. You can come if you want. Even though you’re not on the team.”
“I’d like that.” Olivia applied her bright red lipstick. Zoe watched, mesmerized.
"I really want to kiss you," Zoe said with a sudden surge of confidence.
Olivia slowly capped her lipstick and put it away. She turned to face Zoe. After a few moments of consideration, she stood on her tiptoes and kissed her for a few seconds before stepping back.
Zoe blushed. She found herself at a loss for words, which was unusual. Instead of talking, she bent down for another chaste kiss. She could feel Olivia’s lipstick rubbing off on her, but she didn’t care.
“Ahem!” someone cleared her throat in the doorway. Both girls whirled around to see Ellen staring at them with a raised brow.
“I take you under my wing, Olivia, and this is how you repay me? You’d rather lezz out in the bathroom than sit with me?”
Olivia looked down at her shoes in shame. Ellen kept talking.
"I always knew you were a dyke, Zoe. But you, Olivia? I don't think you're gay. You're just a slut."
They stood in tense silence for several moments before Ellen turned around and left. Olivia quickly followed. “Wait!” Zoe called, but she didn’t.
Alone, Zoe turned to look at herself in the mirror. Lipstick was smudged unevenly across her mouth. She wet a paper towel and scrubbed it off so hard she split her lip and it began to bleed.
The principal called Zoe into her office that afternoon.
“I hear you kissed Miss Abrell in the bathroom today, Miss Baker. You know that goes against school policy.”
Zoe’s face burned with shame.
“I will be calling your parents tomorrow. You have a chance to tell them tonight, so they can hear it from you rather than me.”
Zoe never felt more afraid in her life than she did that night. She didn’t touch her dinner, and she didn’t speak or make eye contact with either of her parents.
Daddy sat her down on the couch. “What’s the matter, Zoe?”
Zoe started to cry. “I… I have to tell you something.”
“I’ve always said you can tell me anything,” he said gently. That just made her feel worse. He was going to be so ashamed of her.
"I kissed a girl today, Daddy," Zoe sobbed. She hid her face in her hands, too embarrassed to look at him.
“Oh, Zoe… Did you think I’d be mad at you? I’m not mad at you. Come here.” He pulled her in for a hug, and she cried into his chest.
“I love you. I’ll always love you. You’ll always be my daughter. And there’s nothing wrong with you. It’s okay if you want to kiss girls. I’m sorry if I ever made you feel like I’d be mad at you if you did.”
“You didn’t. I was just scared. A girl was mean to me, and I got in trouble.”
“You don’t deserve that. You’re such a brave girl for telling me.”
Olivia didn’t come to Zoe’s party that weekend. Zoe didn’t see her until Monday. She still sat with Ellen at lunch, but she didn’t wear lipstick anymore. She gave Zoe the cold shoulder when she tried to talk to her. Zoe cried almost every night for the next month.
Zoe found out through the grapevine that Olivia was moving again this summer. That meant that today was her last chance to talk to her. Zoe caught up with her as she was walking home, even though it meant Zoe would miss the bus.
“Go away, Zoe. You know I’m not supposed to talk to you.”
Well, it was better than being straight-up ignored, at least. “I need you to know something, Olivia. It doesn't have to be me, but it's okay to like girls. There's nothing wrong with you."
Olivia didn't smile, but something changed in her eyes. "Maybe someday I'll believe you."
Zoe was sixteen years old. She wasn’t afraid to kiss girls anymore, and she wasn’t afraid of what anybody else thought about her, either. She announced that she was a lesbian at dinner one night. Nobody seemed surprised, but Daddy and Mama were nice about it. Lucas rolled his eyes. It kind of hurt.
Mama cut Zoe's hair when she asked. Mama told her she looked beautiful.
Zoe waited for Lucas at the bus stop after school, but he didn’t come. When she saw the bus rounding the corner, she knew something was wrong. He was never this late. Anxiously, she went off to find him.
Find him she did. He was behind the gym with three other senior boys. They seemed to be talking, but Zoe was too far away to hear anything. Lucas backed away with his hands up, and one of the boys grabbed him by the shirt collar. This was bad.
“Hey!” she shouted, storming up to them. Everyone turned to look at her. The boy put Lucas down.
“Who’s this, Lucas?” he taunted.
“Stay out of this, Zoe,” Lucas ordered, but Zoe never let Lucas tell her what to do.
“Leave my brother alone!”
“Ohh, so he’s your brother, huh?”
“Haven’t you heard? The freak’s got a dyke for a sister. That means it’s okay to hit her!” The boys laughed.
“What did you just say to me?” Zoe stomped up to him, clenching her fists.
“Stay out of this, Zoe,” Lucas warned.
Zoe didn’t listen. She kicked their leader in the crotch and socked him in the nose. He cried out and fell to the ground. She kicked him while he was down.
One of the other boys slapped her hard across the face. “You’ll pay for that, bitch.”
“Don’t fucking touch my sister!” Lucas tackled the boy to the ground, who hit his head on the pavement. “Zoe, run!”
“Not without you!”
The third boy reached out at Lucas. Zoe took the softball bat out of her backpack and swung it down on his arm. He yelled in pain.
Zoe grabbed her brother by the hand and pulled him away. “Lucas, let’s go!”
He didn’t have to be told twice. They ran as fast as they could toward the woods, where no one would follow them. They didn’t stop running for a long time.
Zoe was eighteen years old. Lucas was home from college for the summer. As much as she hated to admit it, she’d missed him.
For some reason, Lucas took Grandma’s old room off the rec room instead of staying in his old bedroom. She didn’t know why.
She approached his door to invite him to watch a movie with her. When she got close, she could hear him talking to himself. He must have been playing a game with someone.
“Dude, don’t say that.” There was a pause. “My sister’s gay.” Another pause. “I don’t care what else you say, just not that one.”
Zoe smiled. She backed away and left. She’d invite him later.
Zoe was twenty years old. She and Mama sat in the dining room, drinking coffee. They watched Eveline parade around the room in a feather boa and a plastic tiara. She had far too much energy for this early in the morning.
"Well, Mama, you finally have a daughter who will let you put bows in her hair and dress her up like a little doll. I'm sorry I could never be that for you."
Mama put a hand on Zoe's. "Don't be sorry. I love you just the way you are."