Chapter Text
Undyne was in the living room with her girlfriend. The fish was questioning Alphys, the same thing she has been doing in the past two weeks.
"NGAAHHHHH! I will find out! YOU WILL SEE!" She punched the table on their house —both have been living together since everything stabilized after the barrier had broken down— almost breaking it in half, if it wasn't for Alphys' nerdiness to predict this and find a way to increase the table's resistance.
"I-I have already told you I won't say! I'm ashamed just to remember, "Alphys tries to not stumble upon words, while putting her hands on her flushed face. Undyne can only cross her arms tightly with (violent) ideas all over the place, wondering how she could get this information.
Perhaps, the whole situation seems confusing with no context, so I'll give it to you.
It all started two weeks ago, when both of them agreed to go out with their friends to a bar-restaurant. Eating a good hamburger while turning a glass of whiskey down their throats and talking about a lot of shit.
They went along with Mettaton, Toriel and Sans. Asgore had chosen not to follow as he thought he was no longer young enough to get drunk, in addition to having to take care of Frisk, Crazy Flower (Flowey), and Papyrus, who, despite being old enough, with 24 years, refuses to even go near anything with merely some alcohol. The total opposite of his brother, who would worryingly exaggerate when drinking . Maybe Papyrus just doesn't want to drink so he won't end up like Sans.
Anyway, getting in the restaurant, it didn't take long for everyone to start drinking. After the incident last Christmas (which everyone celebrated in September for some reason) when Toriel drank so much she had to be locked in the garage and ended up sleeping on the floor, she decided to take it easy and control herself.
Mettaton ordered three bottles of its own patented brand "Sweat Mettaton ™", flavors "Metallic", "Burning" and "Explosive", so he could brag. Sans decided to take one just to joke around, but it was a terrible idea. In his words: "it has the most indecipherable taste I have ever put in my mouth," and the best way he could find to describe it was that it felt like he "was licking a hive and a toilet at the same time." He thought it was better to drink something else.
"Oh dear!" Mettaton leaned back for dramatic effect. "If that's how you're feeling, it means it's working!"
"i... don't even want to know what it would be like if it wasn't working."
After some inconsistent talking, Mettaton finally loses all of his fancy composure and starts to look like an animal eating, Undyne is now making everyone deaf —and Toriel is talking a little louder too— and Alphys has started to slip into her words as she keeps saying inappropriate things. Sans was the one who drank the most, but somehow he still was able to continue, bottle after bottle, like it was just water, and he didn't even flinch. Everyone (the freaks) questioned him about it, and the answer "I don't have a stomach" was not valid, since everyone there was made out of magic and didn't have one either.
With the craziness running rampant, in some mysterious way, the conversation becomes about love and sexual life.
"Look," Toriel began between hiccups and laughter. "I'm more experienced than you in the matter, I've dated about eight times and was married once. You are practically children, so I'll give you a tip: marriage can be happy for now, but it can always turn into some asGORE!"
"Oh! If that's the case, I better get married soon and then make a scene. The drama is what matters, Miss Toriel!" Mettaton chewed with his mouth open, spilling food all over his face, because his composure had already been lost at this point.
"Does As-Asgore… have a big dick?" Alphys asked without much thinking and immediately regretted it. Sadly for her, the indecencies she normally thinks were slipping up due to the alcohol, going out in the world so everyone could hear her thoughts about hot people.
"Honestly, I've seen bigger ones."
"NO, TORIEL! YOU'RE DESTROYING THE BIG GUY'S REPUTATION!" Undyne roared with laughter, carrying everyone with her.
"I've heard that you were very popular before you got married, weren't you? Talk to the cameras, darling!"
"Aha ha… I think you could say that! But that was in my younger days, now I'm out of shape," Toriel says looking down with a little of embarrassment.
"W-what? If I was not already committed to a very beautiful fish, I would accept someone like you without any problems."
"ALPHYS!!!" Undyne screamed in an offended way.
"I-I SAID IF I WAS NOT ALREADY WITH YOU!"
"FUHUHU… MOTHERFUCKER!"
She slapped her girlfriend maybe a little too hard on the back, with laughter going through her teeth. Undyne was aware that she wouldn't really be cheated on, as she knew her partner's gayness.
"Speaking of relationships that came to an end, when I was still a little ghost, I dated the most annoying guy in my life, oh my!"
"was it jerry?"
"No, Sans, it wasn't Jerry. I USED TO BE STUPID, BUT I STILL HAD STANDARDS!" He snorted with another bite of his food "Although I only agreed to date him to be kind (as every good elegant gentleman would do). He used to leave his trash at my house, and he didn't even say good morning to me. He looked like an even worse version of Sans.
"ouch." Sans winked with one eye in mockery.
"But anyway, I've never really got into any stable relationship, oh! Not even after getting this body, it was hell just to lose my virginity, for god!"
"IS BETTER TO LOSE VIRGINITY LATE THAN IN A WEIRD ASS WAY!" Undyne shouted, and had to be stopped by Toriel who told her to lower her voice, since the conversation was kind of strange to be heard in a public place. Not that she had much room to talk, since she was the one who kept screaming at the Christmas party. Undyne continues her sentence "AH, uh, yeah, sure!! But I lost my virginity in the SHITTIEST WAY POSSIBLE! It was with a cute girl who studied with me at Waterfall College. We decided to go to Snowdin, in the middle of the forest, because she was afraid her parents would catch the girl doing that kind of thing and get PISSED. The only problem is that Snowdin is FUCKING COLD! I WAS FREEZING! It was so uncomfortable. The freezing just went away when I got to Hotland!"
"Oh god, UNDYNE!" Alphys let out her drunken laughter.
"Yeah, HA! But like… unlike Mettaton, I even had some really cool dates. They weren't that serious, but they were relatively stable for someone who had just entered college." She stopped herself to take a sip of her drink. "Yeah, I also used to make out with some random people at parties, but I don't think I ever 'stayed' with someone in particular several times. There was always a lot of drama with people who did that."
"Honey, you had this chance and you didn't take it? I had no choice but to help out at the Blook Farm, and I've always wanted to live College Drama, just like the movies!"
"I admit that I also experienced many of these at university," Toriel confessed, a little embarrassed, remembering those moments.
"I bet Alphys was the only one in her class who didn't get involved in anything because she didn't have the bravery to go out," Mettaton said with a silly smile. "Oh my, how was she able to lose her virginity?"
"M-MET-TATON!" She covered her face between laughter and shyness. "You're right, in college I was never one to go to parties, they were terrible. I only lost my virginity at the end of the last school year, with a classmate of mine who said every fucking moment that he was 'good in bed.' I ended up going out of my way to talk to him because I was a little desperate. It was worse than I'd imagined it being."
"I expected that from you, Alphy."
"Shut up, Mettaton! For your information, I had something you would be envious of! First, after I got out of college I had sex other times, and second, I had a secret friendship with benefits for at least a couple years while working as a royal scientist!"
Suddenly, the table that had been so noisy a second ago fell silent as they faced Alphys. "Oh no," was the only thing she could think of when she realized what she did. She had just revealed one of her biggest secrets, which she didn't want to tell even after the revelation about the amalgamates. Revive monsters as frightening versions of themselves? All it takes is a kid going crazy to convince you to tell it to the world. Now, talking about your accidental sexual intercourse born out of extreme despair of burning horniness? No, no way, she didn't want to humiliate herself like that, especially considering who was the other person in the relationship.
"Alphy, darling, you had a what?"
"Heh ha ha… I… huh, you know… it happens."
The awkward situation made her silent. What was she supposed to say?
"Oh my STARS! THIS IS THE LAST THING I WAS EXPECTING FROM YOU!"
"Fuck, Alphys, YOU'VE NEVER TOLD ME ABOUT THAT!"
"But how?" Questioned Mettaton leaning on the table "How did you manage to talk to the person without stuttering and dying mid-sentence?"
"I… It's just- it was kind of, you know, kind of… by accident?"
"Oh! I understand, I understand,” Toriel gave a big, welcoming smile, which made the terror bubbling on Alphys' skin calm down. "When I was young I used to find myself in so much trouble! I was a party animal, and used to end up in the most complicated situations with random people who got into my bed by accident."
"WOW, I WANT A LIFE LIKE THAT!" Mettaton announced while shouting, accompanied by laughter from Toriel, who didn't understand that man, but liked to talk to him anyway.
"i don't understand you, buddy. who knows how to get the energy to do all these things," Sans finally speaks after a long time of watching the chaos in the distance.
"Yeah, but you're always tired to the bone, Sans!"
"yeah, fur you is different, right, Tori?"
Only the two of them laughed. Everyone else just stared. Even the other tables stared.
"NGAAAHHHH! WHAT A TERRIBLE JOKE, OH MY GOD!" Drunk Undyne screamed, laughed, and almost threw a glass bottle to the ground (if it wasn't for Alphys to be the voice of common sense).
"Ok, but…" Mettaton said, trying to come back to the previous subject "how did you do it, Alphy? How did a relationship like that start for you? Who was the one?! I want details, darling!"
"Ahm… I think it was when I... was very desperate, romantically and sexually… haha," Alphys mumbled looking for words to explain the experience. "I don't know exactly why the person offered, considering that it would be very weird for both of us, but desperation spoke louder. We agreed to drink enough so neither of us could recognize each other. It was supposed to be just once, but it ended up happening by accident other times, and when I least expected it, I had a friendship with benefits. I just remember wanting to SCREAM. I ALMOST THOUGHT I'D DESTROYED A FRIENDSHIP, AND NOW I LOOK BACK AND I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW IT ALL HAPPENED."
"OH MY GOD, ALPHYS! YOU SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME," Undyne shouted and pulled her girlfriend closer "WHO WAS IT???"
"YES, TELL US, ALPHYS! FOR OUR AUDIENCE'S SAKE!" Mettaton pretended to be holding a microphone and handing it to Alphys, who was really confused "W-which audience?"
"WE ARE THE AUDIENCE, ALPHYS! OBVIOUSLY!" Poor Alphys, with her friend interrogating her like that, she was absolutely panicking.
Toriel was hearing everything —not that she had any choice given the volume of the conversation— and was interested too. "I'm getting curious now!" she said, and soon Sans also agreed "yeah, it's true..."
"HA HA HA, LIKE I'M GONNA TELL! This is my biggest secret, and I wouldn't reveal it."
"WHAT? YOU'LL LEAVE ME HERE WITHOUT KNOWING? FUHUHU… WATCH AS I MAKE YOU OPEN YOUR MOUTH, NERD!"
It was a hell of a scandal, everyone trying to get Alphys to tell them who the mystery person was. Toriel and Sans were less active, though they also questioned her a bit, Sans was the one least trying as he was too busy stuffing more and more bottles of alcohol, and some others of ketchup he had ordered, in his mouth. Undyne and Mettaton, on the other hand, wouldn't give up. Their determination was very admirable. It lasted considerable hours after they were already leaving the establishment and walking the streets, and even after they had already made their way home.
Mettaton kept texting, almost indecipherable, drunk messages, insisting she should tell him "who the fuck ate her ass saying 'no homo'," until the texts suddenly stopped as he'd passed out sleeping over his cell phone. Undyne continued to mumble a few "Tell me who it is..." as fatigue and drink prevented her from developing the sentence. The next day arrived, and the determination to get Alphys to give at least a hint of who the person was hadn't yet gotten away.
Within two weeks, in between conversations, Undyne would throw a "haha like the person who ate your ass" and this, in the end, became kind of an inside joke. However, on that afternoon, for some reason, Alphys teased a little saying that Undyne would never know anyway. It piqued the woman's curiosity, and now we are in the scene from the beginning.
"Ok, but you're really never going to tell me??"
"What? Why would you need to know?" Alphys laughed mid-sentence. "Want me to call the person for a threesome?"
"Is this an invitation?"
"W-what?"
"IS IT AN INVITATION OR NOT? IS THIS HOW I FIND OUT WHO THE PERSON IS?"
"N-NO, WAIT!" Poor Alphys almost fell when she tried to take steps backward and slammed herself into a chair nearby. "I mean, WOULD YOU REALLY TAKE IT? UNDYNE??"
"I DON'T KNOW, ALPHYS, I'M DESPERATE!"
"If I called, I doubt they would accept."
"Wait, are you really giving this as an option?"
The embarrassment was noticeable amidst the absolute silence, in which the two could do nothing but look around anwardly.
"I accept."
"UNDYNE???"
"IT'S THE ONLY WAY, ALPHYS! NGAHHHHHH!"
It wasn't by far the only way, but desperate situations lead to desperate solutions. In the end, Alphys did call, since she was really horny, as we all can tell. Magically, the person accepted. It was more of an "accept in irony" though. For example, when you use emojis to make fun of some situation or when you download those shitty mobile games "99% can't beat this level" just to keep saying "wow, how hard" while playing, prolonging the syllables to make some kind of faulty joke that no one will hear. As a matter of fact, if you do that, you're dumb.
But anyway, the case is the same here. The person accepted it for the joke and the ridiculousness of the situation, which is a very stupid way to make any decision, because you're going to end up fucking yourself in the ass, in this case, LITERALLY fucking yourself in the ass.
They agreed that it would be next Saturday, because Saturday was a free day and then there was Sunday to rethink their life choices before they had to go back to work on monday. The problem is that, until Saturday, they still had four days left, so they already had their previous moment of asking "am I that stupid?" The answer is yes.
The four days before Saturday felt like they lasted months, especially for Undyne, who had accepted everything without knowing exactly what she was going for. Judging by Alphys' dubious tastes, the person could literally be anyone from a really hot person to someone who doesn't bathe and has weird fetishes, and Undyne was scared of what it could be. The suspense was killing her, and she no longer remembered why she had agreed to all of that.
Alphys, on the other hand, was truly being murdered by her own insecurities. She had no idea how she had gotten herself into a situation like that, between her girlfriend and her ex-"eat ass as friends", or whatever she was supposed to call them. This could only be something merely bearable or a complete disaster, the option of it going "well" never existed. Someone has to hold the poor girl, as she is about to lose her hopes on the world.
The mystery person only laughed when they remembered it, like it was the most casual thing on the planet.
And after the four slow, anxious days, which seemed to last triple the time, it was finally the long-awaited Saturday.
And it was also the time when everyone regretted that.
"Holy shit, Alphys, that was a mistake," Undyne says with clearly nervousness in her voice.
"Yeah…" Alphys couldn't even speak properly, her anxiety was so big it could be used in an electric power generator that would power at least three houses. Undyne was pretty anxious too, since soon she'll know who had fucked her girlfriend before her, and then they were going to eat each other too.
Speaking like that, it sounds even worse.
And cutting through the scene like lightning, the doorbell rings. Alphys almost fell out of her chair. She noticed that she wasn't even a bit prepared for that revelation, but now it was too late, and her horniness had sealed her fate. Undyne, on the other hand, could feel the adrenaline pumping through her body because she would FINALLY know who the person was, but that would be in exchange for her ass. There were better ways, Alphys could just have admitted who it was, Undyne could have stopped insisting, but now, there's no turning back. The situation was too bizarre and too strange, no one would have the bravery to stop it. The final frontier was one and the same with the door that Undyne opened, IT WOULD BE THE GATES TO THEIR LAST SHAME!
"... Sans?"
"hey."